Chapter 47: Coping Mechanisms
As soon as Levi went to gather small groups of soldiers and give orders, Nora turned towards where she had seen all members of the Special Ops Squad earlier—alive and well, at least at first glance. When she spotted them, Sasha was hooking Jean under in a neck-crushing hug; quite the feat, considering how tall he was. Her next victims were Armin and Mikasa, simultaneously. Mikasa was wearing the same subdued but relieved smile as the others, emphasising her prettiness.
Sasha's eyes were brimming with unshed tears as she pulled away. "I'm glad none of you guys died!" she said just loud enough for Nora to hear.
What had happened to Connie had changed them, no matter how many comrades they'd already lost before—and after. Losing someone important always did.
Some Survey Corps lives are worth more than others. Not how Levi had meant it, but just as true in that sense. The thought hurt worse than her knife ever had, which Nora felt was an appropriate punishment for having it in the first place. She dreaded finding out who and how many they had lost today, but the honest truth was, those most important to her were all still here.
Only when Sasha straightened her shoulders, rubbing her eyes dry, did Nora deem it safe to close the rest of the distance. As soon as the group spotted her, their expressions turned… peculiar. A weird mix between embarrassment and morbid fascination.
Oh, right. Seemed they had witnessed the kiss Nora hadn't exactly planned but didn't regret a single second of.
Sasha cleared her throat, eyes skittering to the side. "That just now, uh, was…" She already seemed to regret she had said something, but apparently, she couldn't help herself.
Neither could the others, all standing huddled together and staring at Nora as if she had stripped naked and run across the harbour.
"Unexpected," Mikasa said flatly, finishing Sasha's sentence.
"Worse than the mess hall, weirdly enough," Jean said.
Sasha found her voice again. "Really awkward to watch."
"Kinda sweet." Armin smiled a little, drawing the attention of four bewildered sets of eyes.
"Will you brats shut up?" Just like the others, Nora flinched when Levi's impatient voice sounded behind them. Perfect timing, though. "We have a shitload of work to do. And more could be on us in a flash."
Sasha's brow knitted in concentration. "I can't hear any, for now. Though that changed real quick earlier…"
The war was far from over, but this battle probably was.
"Well then, onto the fun part," Nora muttered, her insides knotting up. She was just loud enough to earn odd but ultimately unsurprised looks from her younger comrades.
"That's right," Levi said. And, to his squad, "You lot survey the damage and take care of the civilians and POWs. Await further command from Hange." Then, out of nowhere, his hand splayed on the small of Nora's back. The warmth of his palm seeped through her clothes and spread to the roots of her hair. "Nora and I will help recover the bodies along the shoreline and investigate where those bastards came from while we're at it."
"Y-Yes, sir," was the collective reply, and they were off, clearly eager to leave.
Armin, however, threw Nora one last smile. Little weirdo. Had he always been that sappy? What had happened to good old awkwardness? That one was easier to deal with and entirely reasonable.
"We'll get a cart and gear you up before we go," Levi said, his business-like tone a stark contrast to his soft touch. Not quite enough any longer to counteract the sick, heavy feeling in the pit of her chest.
She took a deep breath through her nose, then stepped out of his reach, straightening her shoulders. The newly untouched space at the small of her back felt cold immediately. "Alright then. Let's get this over with."
#
They counted on their way along the shore. In some cases, there were no heads to identify the corpses by. In others, the heads were all that was left.
Such as Rob's. Gaunt and slack in death, the dark hair matted with blood.
Nora stared for a good long while, her throat in a big knot. The quiet, competent man who had made it with them through the facility, gone. Marley's retaliation. This was the Scouts' payment, and Rob was one of those who had to pay. Not her, who'd had the idea, or Levi, who'd led them, or Hange, who'd ordered the mission.
Some Survey Corps lives were worth more than others, right? And those lives were Paradis' real currency.
"Hey, soldier." Levi sought Nora's eyes, reaching for her hand—which was clenched into a fist so tight her fingernails hurt her palm, she noticed only now. Levi pried it open with his fingers, waited a few seconds, then gave a quick squeeze and let go. "We're still here. Meaning, we have work to do." He picked up the head, carefully, and laid it—laid Rob—on the cart to the other bodies and body parts.
Nora shook herself out of her stupor, swallowing the sorrow until it was just another heavy, leaden weight in the pit of her stomach.
When they reached the spot where Nora had made the first stand against the onslaught of titans, they continued on horseback, just the two of them. It seemed their losses were—by Survey Corps standards and considering the scope of the attack—kept within reasonable limits. An estimated seventy titans had cost them the lives of around two dozen soldiers and only half as many civilians. Mainly thanks to Levi and the Colossal. Thank fuck they had caught Bertolt back then.
They found what they were looking for only about a mile from where their late afternoon stroll had been so rudely interrupted. Big footprints flattened the sand here, too many to distinguish them.
"Looks like giants emerged straight from the water for an impromptu dance party," Nora said, earning herself an assenting grunt from Levi.
There was no ship in sight anywhere. They must have injected the Eldians all at once and dumped them, scramming immediately after. Low cost, low risk, high potential gain by damaging the harbour and putting a considerable dent in Paradis' military forces.
Shit. Who knew what would have happened if Levi and she hadn't been out, allowing Nora to act as the first line of defence? Would the warning from the watchtower have been early enough?
They would have suffered more losses, that much was certain.
#
A belated dinner was served for everyone in the mess hall of the Survey Corps base. It had survived the battle unscathed. People were waiting outside in gaggles; there wasn't enough space for all soldiers and civilians at once. It went without saying why that was a good thing, though the same couldn't necessarily be said of the full hospital ward.
Tomorrow, some of the soldiers and most of the civilians would be relocated to Shiganshina until further notice. Hange had to go, as well, to report to the government and coordinate repairs. Levi and Nora would stay here, just in case. A reasonable solution, and the one which would let her sleep marginally better. She got antsy just imagining lying around in Shiganshina at night, wondering what might be happening in the south.
Even so, she probably wouldn't get more than two or three hours tonight, and that much only thanks to shifter's fatigue; her entire body felt like lead, eyelids heavy from going titan for so long. Nora felt Levi's sidelong glances at her temple, felt his tense displeasure radiating from him like the heat from a titan. Was he wondering how much this day had shaved off of her lifespan?
Great, now she was wondering.
A tall and a short man exited the mess hall, heading right towards where they stood in line with the squad. In the dark, they had to come pretty close until Nora could identify them: Ayad and Niccolo. When she had given those two a lift to the rooftop of the base, away from the titans' grabby hands, she hadn't been able to see their expressions. At least they hadn't tried to run from her. But some folks didn't have their priorities straight. Yes, her hands were hot and huge and decidedly lacking skin, and she was ugly and scary, but was getting eaten really preferable? She'd snatched them up anyway. They could die when she wasn't watching if they were so inclined.
No one had to force Ayad to stay alive, that much was certain. He was likely delighted about getting to use the Colossal as a lift. At least that was what the big grin on his face now suggested.
The man's nerve was something else. If not for his non-existent physical fitness, he would have made an excellent Scout.
Niccolo, on the other hand, looked worn out, his features haggard, blond waves in disarray. Yet he gave Sasha a warm, relieved smile that seemed out of his control. It died quickly as his gaze landed on Nora.
"You probably expect me to thank you now," he said, voice unreadable, as if the usually so expressive man had taken lessons from Levi. "Think we're even?"
Bloody hell. Not now, not after today, and in front of Levi, to top it off. Nora squared her shoulders, made herself taller, as if that negligible inch made a difference. "That's not how it works, and it's not like your brother had anything to do with my actions today. Regardless, we're all tired, so I suggest as follows: I saved your life, you save what you're about to say for tomorrow."
"No." The word was spoken with determination, steady in absence of the anger that usually lent Niccolo's voice a tremor when he spoke to her. His hands were clenched into fists by his sides, his gaze averted. "Thank you, Nora."
It was very quiet after that. Nobody moved a muscle. Beside her, Levi was as exceptionally still as he had been the moment Niccolo had addressed her. But Niccolo didn't take it back or indicate in any way that it was sarcasm. Nora swallowed, focused her eyes on a point below his chin. "It's nothing."
"I'm inclined to disagree," Ayad said, who had watched the little spectacle with great interest. "Thank you very much. Of course, I was in this precarious situation because you abducted me in the first place, but let's just overlook that."
For a reason unbeknownst even to her, Nora relaxed, the tight coil in her chest unspooling rapidly. This madman got it right. "I know, I'm nice."
"Above all, you were simply marvellous." He grabbed Nora's wrists, leaning forward, eyes widened in greed. "Pray tell, how did you learn to transform into a half-sized variant of—"
"Leave it for today," Levi said. "We've no time for this shit right now."
Ayad let go of her just before Nora could gather her bearings and tear herself free. His impish grin did not bode well. "You must be so proud," he told Levi. "At least that's what it looked like, earlier. Heartwarming. And a little much for the public."
In the darkness just outside the direct lamplight, Nora's blush remained hidden. Either way, it had been unavoidable the moment she had spotted him after the fight, and so worth it, witnesses be damned.
"No one told you to watch, you perv," Levi drawled.
Ayad's grin broadened. "You know how one just has to look when they witness a traffic accident?"
"Shut up," Nora and Levi said as one, neither with much bite behind it. Somehow, it was hard to keep up the longer they knew the smart-mouth. Especially after a day like this.
A day that didn't seem to be as big a deal if you were just mad enough—or cared little enough—she thought, watching Ayad. But it had been his own life on the line, too. Could you ever trust someone who laughed in the aftermath of death and mayhem? Well, maybe she was the last person to judge. Everyone had their coping mechanisms.
Plus, they'd deal with him later.
#
Kneeling in front of the cupboard, Nora opened the lid of the box that contained all that was left of her childhood. What she was looking for lay right on top: her one and only family portrait, if you could call it that. Two doting parents with their only child was what she saw. A dishonoured traitor son with his lowborn mistress and bastard child, Frank Rosenberg would probably say.
Whoever had painted it had captured their likeness well. Not that she remembered what her father had looked like, but the woman holding Nora's toddler-self in her lap was a young, healthy version of Miriam Weiss alright, her bright smile painfully familiar. Adrian Rosenberg had his green eyes averted at his little family, his expression nothing short of enraptured. His hand was resting on Miriam's shoulder. Little Nora wasn't smiling, but her gaze was round-eyed and unsuspecting, probably as close to serene as someone that age could get.
Her adult version didn't move as she heard the door open and close, well aware Levi would join her in the bedroom in a second. She was too tired, so she kept blinking at the framed picture as he crouched down next to her, inspecting the remnant of a life long gone.
"You weren't kidding when you said you take more after your dad," Levi said, and Nora suddenly realised he was likely seeing this portrait for the first time. At least she couldn't recall ever showing him. "Except for the eyes." His fingertip hovered across her mother's joyful face, just shy of touching the glass. The spark in her dark brown eyes looked just as real, as natural as the countless freckles on father and daughter.
"And the height. Or lack thereof," Nora pointed out, though it was hard to tell from just one picture that had her mum sitting. Her father might have passed down many of his traits to her, but a few extra centimetres hadn't been part of the package. Genetics were weird.
"Is this what you see when you think of them?" asked Levi.
Nora took in the way he was looking at the portrait. Stone-faced, but with razor-sharp focus. She shook her head, not even trying to suss him out. "I rarely remember Mum like this. It's always how she was close to the end."
"Yeah. That kind of stuff tends to stick with you." The focus in his eyes flickered, and for a moment it seemed like he was seeing something else. She didn't want that. She didn't want either of them dwelling on that, when today's horrors were already more than enough.
"I remember that's something that got to me, back when I became a Scout," Nora found herself saying. "The way the soldiers look and act completely like themselves right up until they die. With barely a warning."
As usual, exhaustion had a way of taking away what little filter she had around him.
Luckily, Levi could handle that just fine, certainly better than she, herself. He gave a nod of understanding. "And the screaming doesn't help."
The screams. They carried well, even thirty metres up and more.
Stop. If you have to think about it, make it productive. "Does Hange think Ayad's got something to do with it?" Nora asked. Maybe Levi'd had a chance to briefly discuss this with their commander today.
"Not really," he answered. "This wasn't exactly a rescue mission, and if the bastard values one thing outside of his research, it's his own neck."
Nora inclined her head in agreement. "Though he sure seems to be selective with what he deems necessary to share with us."
"He knows—or suspects—something, at least. He always does. Always thinking one or two steps ahead of a road that's too dark for everyone else. It's like trying to take Erwin by surprise, back in the day."
As unexpected as the comparison was—out of Levi's mouth, no less—it made sense in a weird way. Was it just her trust in his instincts? She was always quick to dismiss her own gut feelings—or trying to, at least—but Levi's were law.
"Did you ever manage?" Nora asked after several seconds of silence, deciding she had nothing of value to add regarding the present. "Surprising Erwin?"
Levi's eyes narrowed as he thought that over. "He wasn't even surprised when I held my blade to his neck." Over the years, he had told her the whole story—how the thug became a Scout—so she didn't bat an eyelid at his answer. Until he added, "That said, I think he wouldn't have bet on you."
"Me?" What about her? Take away the shifting, and she surely wasn't as remarkable as certain other soldiers Erwin had known in his lifetime. Also, that wasn't even what she had asked.
"On your effect on me. Making a mess of things." Levi seemed to be choosing his words carefully as he clarified, speaking a bit slower than usual.
Oh, that. And all it encompassed. The repercussions he was leaving unvoiced right now.
"Me neither," Nora muttered. Something inside her chest felt hot and cold at the same time.
"Tsk." He flicked her forehead as if she'd said something egregiously stupid, then pointed at the picture she still held loosely between her fingers, giving her no chance to protest. "Why were you looking at this just now?"
She sighed, having feared that question. "An experiment that might just as well backfire." He kept staring expectantly, so she explained, "A shit attempt at distraction. And seeing if I can stave off the nightmares, maybe."
She kept her eyes on the portrait, glad she had an excuse to avoid his. When she had found herself alone in here, if only for a few minutes, she had scrambled for something to keep reality at bay until Levi was with her. Nora hadn't dared this before, unwilling to tear open old wounds in addition to more recent ones, but looking at the relic of a time before she had known death had suddenly seemed like the best course of action. Also, the past instilled more anger than fear, while the opposite was the case for the present. She'd rather deal with anger. The grief was inescapable either way.
"You could as well have taken a shower," Levi remarked, though they both knew why she hadn't. No better place to keep your mind running after a day like this.
Nora looked up at him, thankful to find the matching expression to his disapproving tone.
"And pass on the opportunity to see that face? I don't think so." Bold as she was, she tried to take revenge, but he thwarted her plan as always, catching her hand in his before she could even come close to flicking his forehead. So unfair.
She pulled a face. His eyebrows lifted almost imperceptibly.
This was exactly why she'd never let him win at chess.
AN: So, 2023 happened, I guess. Good riddance. I am tempted to explain and bore you with a summary, but that would make me sound rather unhinged, I think.
Anyway, if you're still here (and I certainly understand if not, I would have forgotten all about this in your place) then that's awesome. If you're new, that's awesome too, and you'll have an easier time remembering what the fuck is going on, lol.