Castle looked down at his phone screen when his call went to her voicemail after thirty seconds of ringing. Weird. Usually, she would always pick up as long as her phone wasn't shut off. He knew she did that sometimes after a long day to disconnect from work and the stress of the day. After she had explained it to him, he didn't mind anymore. When he couldn't reach her, he liked to leave her sweet or funny message, something to make her smile as soon as she felt like coming back from her short break from reality.
But not answering his call wasn't something he knew from her. He knew it was ridiculous to waste a thought on it. She was probably showering, maybe even had fallen asleep. She had looked terribly tired the last few days. Most probably, there was a simple explanation for this. And he would have been satisfied with this answer if she hadn't acted strange the whole day.
Now that he thought about it, it hadn't been just today but the day before, too. He couldn't put his finger on what it was exactly. She had seemed absentminded, a little distanced. He had sensed that something was worrying her and had done what he always did, trying to distract her. She wasn't someone to talk about things easily. He had learned and accepted that over the years. And most of the times he was able to pull her back out of her circling thought without even having to know what they were about.
Today, it hadn't worked that way. Weighing his phone in his hand, he let himself fall to the couch. He had told her he wanted to write, and he had tried to. But in the first place, he had said that to give her some space, he knew her well enough to tell when she needed it. He had really tried to concentrate on his new chapter but soon admitted to himself it was pointless. His thoughts wandered back to her again and again.
Yes, she was the type to overthink, worry, and hide in withdrawal for some time. But something about today, something about the look on her face, had been different. She had looked at him like she was what? Scared of him? No, that couldn't be it. But he failed to find a better word for it.
His thoughts started spinning, and he wondered if he had done something to anger her over the last few days. Sure, he had been silly, maybe a little bit annoying and over the top, because he tried to reach through to her in some way. But that couldn't be the reason. She knew him like that, she loved him like that.
He shook his head and tossed his phone on the couch beside him. No, he wouldn't let this pull him into a swirl of overthinking and questioning what was going on. It was enough that she did that. As soon as she would be ready, she would talk to him. And if she didn't and wouldn't find her way back out of her worries alone, he would pull her out, just like he always did.
He reached for the remote from the table in front of him and switched on the TV. He wasn't in the mood to write anymore, so maybe a few episodes of Star Trek would do the job to distract him. When he pressed the button to start the DVD still in the player from the night before, he couldn't help but smile softly, thinking about their current case. He would love to tease her a little about her definition of good science fiction if she was here right now.
He picked up his phone again. Not to call her but to check that it wasn't on mute, just in case. Whenever she was ready, he wanted to make sure he was there. /span/span/p
Kate had somehow managed to drag herself from the bathroom to her bed after the trembling had slowed down, and her muscles felt steady enough to use them again. She hadn't cared about getting undressed, she had just kicked her heels off and let herself fall onto the bed.
She had been lying in the exact same spot, frozen in the same position, for over an hour now. She had lost track of time, but the blue digital numbers on the clock beside her bed told her. She stared at them and watched the minutes pass by. For the last hour, her mind had been washed empty by the adrenaline of the panic attack, her brain too exhausted to start thinking again.
But now, the convolutions of her brain slowly started to pick up their work again. She had tried not to let them for a while, concentrating on the shining blue numbers before her eyes, but it was useless. The realization started to sink in, whether she wanted it to or not.
She didn't even have to question when it did happen. This damn Hampton's trip. That damn condom. And that damn morning-after pill that was clearly good for nothing. It was her own fault. She shouldn't have stopped taking the pill half a year ago, relying just on one method of contraception. Those side effects she had struggled with would be nothing compared to what she would have to face now.
She forced herself out of her frozen state and rolled from her side to her back, staring at the ceiling. What would she have to face now? For a split-second the thought crossed her mind that she had options, she didn't necessarily had to face anything. She felt guilt hitting back at her for allowing herself to even think about it.
No, she didn't have options. There was just one. This was Castle's baby. His and hers, no way she would be able to do anything to harm it. But still, she felt exactly the same as she had this afternoon at the drugstore. She didn't want this. Not like this and not now.
She had thought about a future with children, yes. And these daydreams hadn't started yesterday but years back. But they had never been something she had focused on, they had just been little playful scenarios in her mind, among many others. She had never been the kind of woman whose main focus in life was to become a mother someday. She had never been sure whether she really wanted children at all. But what she had been sure of for some time now was that if she wanted them, then it would be with Castle by her side.
Well, the time for ifs is over now. The thought felt bitter and frightening. She had never imagined this decision would be taken out of her hands, she had always been so careful. Whenever she had imagined what it could possibly be like to start a family, it had been entirely different. In those pictures, in her mind, they were years into their relationship, not a couple of months. They were living together without it making her feel like she was being cornered, maybe even married. And it was a conscious decision they made together.
These pictures that had always made her feel so warm and curious about what the future might hold for them now splattered into pieces, the sharp edges cutting through the happy feeling they had once brought. What was left was pure chaos, an emotional mess she had no idea how to clean up.
She felt so tired. Her body was exhausted and her mind even more, the panic attack had been the final blow to the last few days. Oh, how she longed for sleep to come, but of course, it didn't. Instead, her eyes remained glued to the ceiling, grey in the dim light shining through the slit in the door. She stared up at it as if she could find any sort of answer there, waited for some form of enlightenment. Of course, that didn't come either.
A baby. Again and again, these words crossed her mind, and she allowed them to. Maybe they would become a little less frightening if she just repeated them often enough, got used to the sound.
A baby. A helpless little creature, completely dependent on her. Gosh, she felt like she had just learned to care for herself in the last six months. How should she care for a baby? Of course, she would be able to feed it, to change it and all that stuff. That wasn't the problem. But didn't a child need more? Didn't it need a mother? And a mother was definitely more than a caregiver. But how was someone as damaged as her supposed to become one?
At least it'll have Castle. This realization felt like a comfort and a dagger to her heart at the same time. He was a wonderful father and would be again, without a doubt. But what would that make of her? The other parent this child would barely have a relationship with because she was still too emotionally distant to build one?
Anger flared in her chest. Why now? Why couldn't this have happened a few years from now when she was ready? When their relationship was ready? Would they even be able to handle a responsibility like this, a commitment like this?
Castle will. She swallowed against the lump in her throat and felt tears rising in her eyes. Yes, Castle would be able to handle this, without a doubt. If someone would screw up this situation, the life of this child, it would be her. She felt sorry for the poor thing that still felt so strange to her. It hadn't asked to come into this world, just like she hadn't asked for it.
And now it would be stuck with her. And the other way around. The first tear spilled from the corner of her eye, rolled down her cheek, and beside her ear to vanish into her hair. Instinctively, she wiped the wet trail from her face. Crying wouldn't change the situation either.
Don't be so weak. She scolded herself. The times when she could allow herself to be weak were coming to an end in a couple of months, just as well as giving in to the desire to run away. How she wished she could just run away from this. But this time it wasn't possible, from this, she couldn't run or hide.
he didn't want them to, but the tears wouldn't stop fighting their way back to her eyes. Exhaling a shaky breath, she allowed a few ones to make their way down her face. Closing her eyes, she thought that maybe she could be weak one more time before she would straighten up and face this. It felt like a relief to let the tears flow. It felt like with them, she cried out the plans and pictures she had had.
Maybe when she cried long enough, it would make room for other images to form. Not right now, but sometime soon, hopefully soon enough to help work through this mess. But right now, the tears were enough to wash away the edge of her anxiety, giving exhaustion a chance to take over and finally pull her down into the sweet salvation of sleep.
When she woke up the next morning - she figured it had to be morning because the warm light of the rising sun was falling through her windows, the blinds open as she hadn't bothered to close them – she felt terrible. She hadn't moved one bit in her sleep, and when she opened her eyes, they met the same view they had fallen asleep to. And even in her laid-down state, the ceiling seemed to sway before her eyes.
Carefully, she turned her head to the side, the blurry vision of her burning eyes making it a little difficult to make out the time shown by the blue numbers on her clock. She squinted her eyes to ease the stinging feeling the tears had left and then saw it was still quite early, about 45 minutes before her alarm would usually wake her for work.
Realization hit her hard and made a tight knot form in her stomach. Work. She would have to go to work. With Castle and everyone else there who knew her so well. There was no way none of them would notice something was wrong with her, especially Castle. Not even her best poker face could hide the night she had had and its traces left on her face.
For the first time she could ever remember, she felt like she wanted to call in sick. Just hide under her blanket and shut the world out until she would find a way to deal with this. At least she didn't feel like losing her mind right now. Maybe that was some sort of progress in comparison to last night. But perhaps it was just the exhaustion driving her into numbness.
She lay in bed for another couple of minutes, just like the night before, staring at the ceiling. Trying to figure out what to do and how to face this day. Of all the days coming after that, she didn't dare to think of, that perspective was too overwhelming. All she could deal with right now was one day at a time.
But could she deal with it? She sighed and pushed herself up to sit on the bed. Her limbs felt stiff and her back was sore from laying flat on it for hours. The dizzy feeling in her head intensified, and she had to close her eyes once more to blend out the spinning of the room. The queasy feeling in her stomach built up into nauseousness as she saw stars flickering through her closed eyelids.
Oh God, she couldn't deal with this. How on earth was she supposed to get through this day when she couldn't even get her body to function normally? Nothing was normal anymore, everything was changing. She hated the physical reminder of it, and yet, she couldn't shake it off.
And she couldn't stand sitting here anymore in the muffy air of her bedroom, filled with the anxiety, fear, and sadness she had allowed to flow out here last night. With a little groan, as she moved her tired body to the edge of the bed, she got up slowly, not trusting her body, feeling almost a little disconnected from it. And everything that was going on in it.
With careful steps, she walked into the living room, the dizziness not fading one bit, so she didn't let her hand break contact with the wall as she made her way to the bathroom. The tap was still dripping. The sound sent flashbacks of the previous night ripping through her mind, letting the panic blaze up again. She tried to keep it down, but the feeling made her stomach turn. With two long strides, she made it to the toilet just in time.
Her stomach was empty and had been most of the time for over two days now when she had felt too anxious and nauseous to eat. Spitting out the bile, she pushed herself up again, wondering whether it was her tumultuous emotional state that caused this or the baby.
The baby. She groaned and ran her hand over her face as she swayed over to the sink, wanting to wash the disgusting taste out of her mouth. Her gaze fell down and caught the image of the backside of the white plastic stick still lying there, wet from the drops of water. Her fingers trembled a little when she picked it up and turned it around, once more taking in the two bright pink lines.
Looking up, she met her view in the mirror. She looked even worse than the night before. Pale, exhausted, with greasy hair and sunken-in, puffy eyes. She couldn't go to work like this. Her hand with the little plastic sticks wavered over the trash can, but then she pulled it back and placed it back on the edge of the sink, almost carefully.
She started to take off the clothes from the night before, tossing them into a pile on the floor and stepped into the shower. Her head was still spinning when she leaned it back and closed her eyes to let the hot water run over her face. Resting her hand against the wall to keep herself steady, she let the feeling of the water running down her body consume her. It washed away the sticky and burning feeling the tears had left.
She stood there for a couple of minutes, just letting the warmth comfort her a little bit, calm her down. Washing her hair and then her body, she avoided running her soapy hands over her stomach. It just felt too strange. After a couple more minutes of letting the water flow over herself, she turned it off, stepped out into the cold air of the bathroom, and once more had to secure herself by holding on to the shower door. Furrowing her brow, she waited for the wave of dizziness to pass.
Was this something she would have to get used to from now on? When she felt steady enough to let go again, she grabbed a towel and dried her body and hair. Wrapping the damp towel around her body, she allowed her eyes to wander back to the test by the sink, her mind awfully aware it was still there. She picked it up once more, the lines just as clear as every time she had looked at them before.
This was really happening, wasn't it? A baby. She would have a baby. They would. It was at that moment it dawned on her that she would have to tell Castle. Or maybe he would just see it on her face the second he would look at her later at the precinct. At least she felt like the news had to be written all over her features, just as evident as these two lines.
Maybe she should call in sick, he would be here within an hour to see what was going on. That would be better than explaining what was happening to him at the precinct. That was the last thing she wanted to do. She looked back up in the mirror once more. The shower had done a pretty good job, with a bit of makeup up she could get herself to look decent for sure.
She straightened her back and gave herself her best try of an encouraging look, even though it turned out rather weak. She could do it. Get through this day, give herself a little bit more time to process all of this and then she would tell him. She knew that would make it all far more real, and once he knew, the wheels would start turning, and things would start to change forever.
For that, she wasn't ready. But she never would be, so what use would it be to delay the inevitable? Also, she longed for Castle to take her into his arms. She didn't want to feel so scared and alone anymore. She wanted him to tell her everything would be alright. Even though she still seriously doubted that.
Turning her back to the mirror and the sink with the test on it, she walked out of the bathroom and back to the bedroom. She felt a little bit more steady now that she had made the decision on how to go on from here. She dropped the towel to the floor and started to get dressed, her back always turned on the mirror to avoid her gaze falling to her stomach.
Kate walked out of the elevator feeling miserable. It was still early. She had headed here right after she had gotten herself decent enough to go to work, feeling like she couldn't stand another minute alone in her apartment, surrounded by the feelings of the previous night. On the drive to the precinct, she had considered stopping somewhere to get something to eat.
Her head told her she needed to eat something, but her stomach wasn't sharing that opinion. So, she had swallowed down the waves of nausea that accompanied her throughout the car ride, pushing every thought of food from her mind. In the parking lot, she had granted herself a couple of minutes in the silence of her car.
She knew this would be a strenuous day for many reasons. In the first place, she had been feeling exhausted for days now, and four hours of sleep after over two hours of crying hadn't done anything about that. And then there was still this case, which she was supposed to enjoy because it revolved around something she would usually be highly interested in. But given the circumstances right now, she couldn't care less about the case. Still, they would probably be able to close it today, and she would be forced to find a way to concentrate on that
And then, most importantly, there was the fact that she would have to face Castle. She looked at the clock of her car and was relieved to find that she would probably have a good thirty minutes before he would show up at her desk with his smile, his joyful attitude towards this case, and her coffee.
Oh, it was a mistake to think about coffee. A stinging wave of bile shot up her throat, but she managed to force it back down. That only made her doubt she could make it through this day without Castle noticing something was going on even more. And knowing him well enough, she was positive he would be able to connect the dots pretty fast if she would throw up on her desk over her coffee.
But she couldn't handle him finding out at work. And she couldn't do it right now. She needed a few more hours to let it sink in for herself. Why, she couldn't tell exactly. It wasn't like she still had to make a decision on how to handle this situation. She avoided thinking the word pregnancy on purpose; no, it was obvious how this would go.
But as soon as she told him, there would be no turning back. Not that there was now. But right now, everything was still somehow hovering over her, not quite yet feeling like it was /spanemspan data-preserver-spaces="true"actually /span/emspan data-preserver-spaces="true"happening. The moment she told him that would change, and everything would come crashing down on her. She just needed a little bit more time to brace herself for that. But she would tell him. Tonight, when the case was closed, she could allow herself to lose her focus. She would tell him tonight.
Determined to handle this day as professionally as possible, she got out of the car and headed into the building. But no matter how much she had set her mind on putting on her best mask, hiding what was going on in her mind, her body didn't seem impressed by her decisiveness.
The elevator ride was torturous, making her head spin and her stomach cramp. Walking over to her desk, forcing her legs to remain steady, she felt relieved she was the first of the team to get there. Not even Captain Gates had arrived yet. She sat her bag down on her desk and let herself sink onto her chair. Letting her eyes wander over the empty bullpen, she wondered how long she would be able to be here, to do the job she loved, and what would become of her career
Her mind was just about to head into a new twirl of worries when she was interrupted by a churning sound coming from her stomach. Instinctively, her hand shot up, covering it, the unintentional gesture making her heart skip a beat and warmth spread up her spine. Her hand slowly started to move down her belly until it came to rest underneath her belly button.
She stared at it and was almost startled by her thumb slightly caressing over the spot. She tore her hand away and got up, a little too fast, her head protesting profoundly, so she had to grasp onto her desk for support. Confusion spread through her mind, making her shake her head with a deep frown on her face. Where the hell did that come from?
She couldn't even put a name to the feeling that had sparked somewhere deep in her chest only seconds before. But she knew it felt scary and unfamiliar. She didn't want to deal with it right now, not here. She abandoned it by her desk and made her way to the kitchen. Coffee still wasn't a good idea, and food wasn't either. But she longed for something to drink, something cold and maybe sweet to cover up the remaining taste of bile lingering in her throat.
She opened the fridge and immediately spotted a bottle of lemonade, the view alone making her mouth water. There was a post-it with Ryan's name on it, and she hesitated for a second but couldn't resist. She grabbed the bottle, pulled off the post-it to let it vanish into the pocket of her jeans, and opened the lemonade.
The first sip tasted like heaven, making her close her eyes as the cold liquid ran down her throat. In under a minute, she downed the entire bottle. Throwing it in the trash, she opened the fridge once more, looking for anything else, but without any luck.
She closed the white metal door and headed to one of the cupboards. Nothing but refills of coffee beans and cream. Disappointed, she closed it and opened another one, her eyes scanning the little shelves and finding a single package of chocolate chip cookies. Minutes prior, she had felt like she would never feel any form of appetite again, but these cookies suddenly seemed like everything she had longed for in days.
She pulled the package from the shelf and tore it open with her teeth as she closed the cupboard again. The first cookie was gone in a matter of seconds, the second and the third following quickly. Just as she was about to put the fourth one into her mouth, she was startled as Ryan walked into the kitchen.
He stopped, looked at her and the package in her hands, then raised his eyebrows. She felt herself blushing and shrugged her shoulders. "No time for breakfast." She mumbled and headed past him, back to her desk, the cookies still in her hand so she could hide them in her bag for later. When she walked through the bullpen, she could hear Ryan's voice behind her.
"Hey! Who drank my lemonade?" She felt even more crimson rise in her cheeks but chose to ignore it and Ryan. Reaching her desk, she quickly shoved the cookies into her bag and placed it on the floor. Sitting down, a movement flickered into her field of vision just as she put the last cookie into her mouth.
"Good morning." She heard Castle's voice, soft and happy as usual. She forced herself to look up at him and give him a little smile while she was still chewing. Seeing him smile at her, holding her usual coffee in his hands, made her heart ache a little. He was so wonderful, so loving and caring. And she? She was distant and scared. She started to panic when she felt tears stinging behind her eyes.
Get it together. She urged herself, dropping her gaze back to her desk, turning on her computer in a try of distraction. She didn't even have to look at him to know he was looking down at her, confused and slightly concerned.
"You're eating." He stated as he sat down on his chair beside her desk. "Haven't seen you do that in days." He placed the paper cup in front of her, still keeping the smile on his lips.
Kate shrugged her shoulders, trying to make it look casual, the smell of coffee making it hard to keep her composure. She grabbed the cup, but instead of leading it to her mouth like Castle expected, she placed it on the other side of her desk, not looking at it again and instead starting a program on her computer.
That was strange. "Are you okay?" He eyed her and tried to look for anything to tell him what was going on with her. She looked a little better than yesterday but still not like the Kate he knew. Her gaze seemed clouded, and her features tensed.
She just nodded and mumbled a quiet "Yeah" without looking at him. His heart sank a little deeper. So, he had been right. Something was seriously bothering her. Maybe it had been a mistake not to call her until she picked up last night. Perhaps she would have needed him.
"I called you last night, you didn't pick up." He blurted out, and Kate seemed a little confused. She pulled her phone from her bag and saw the missed call.
"Sorry, I fell asleep as soon as I walked through the door." She smiled at him, but he could see it was forced. Concern started to get the better of him.
"Kate, if I…" He was interrupted by Esposito walking into the bullpen, his firm steps echoing through the still quiet room.
"Beckett, you need to look at this." Kate got up a little too quickly for his taste, he even felt like she was avoiding looking at him. His thoughts started spinning again, trying to find something he might have done wrong. He couldn't shake off the feeling that all of this had to do with him.
But he didn't get the chance to ask her about it. The day went on and quickly got busy. He didn't get one moment alone with her, Kate seemed to take care of that. It made his concern grow even deeper. She shot him a few smiles throughout the day, and when he asked her something, she answered, sounding almost normal, but still, something was wrong. Terribly wrong.
They managed to close the case, but at the end of the day, Castle didn't even care about it anymore. His overimaginative mind had come up with countless reasons and scenarios for why she would act so strange for the last few days. None of them was good.
When they returned to the precinct to gather their things, he followed her to her desk, watching her cautiously. She started to collect her belongings and put them into her bag, almost ready to go, and he couldn't take it anymore.
Would you like to come over tonight? Maybe we could talk about what is going on?" His voice sounded weaker and more scared than he had intended it to. He watched her freeze and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants.
It took her a moment to move, to react. She looked up at him, a weary smile on her face.
"Okay." She mumbled, and the single word made his heart feel heavy. There had been a last bit of remaining hope she would tell him everything was fine, she was just tired. And then she would have come up to him, kissed him, and they would have headed home together.
But she didn't. She did the opposite. She took her back and walked past him towards the elevator. Watching her walk away almost made him lose his mind. He quickly followed her and was relieved they were the last ones to leave so he could blurt out the burning question on his soul.
"Do you want to break up with me?" Again, she froze, but only for a second before she turned around.
Her features were soft, a little worried and confused as she walked back up to him.
"No." She said, shaking her head and cupping her hand around his cheek. He leaned into her touch, feeling the tightness in his chest easing a bit on the certain sound of her answer.
"What would make you think that?" She asked, and all he could do was sigh. How could he put something into words that he couldn't really explain to himself?
"I don't know." He mumbled reluctantly. "You've been acting strange for a couple of days. I figured it might be my fault." He shrugged his shoulders in defeat, and her lips formed a soft smile in response.
Oh, it is your fault.
"No, Castle, you've done nothing wrong." She leaned in and brushed a soft kiss to his lips. It felt strange to kiss him here at the precinct but the look on his face, so scared and worried, made her forget her cautiousness to keep their relationship a secret at all costs. Soon, that would be over anyway.
"Are you sure?" His voice was still layered with doubt, but it eased a little as she firmly nodded her head.
"Absolutely." The last thing she wanted was to make him think she didn't love him or that he had hurt her. A big part of her just wanted to tell him the truth right then and there, but that would be horrible for both of them.
"Let me head home, change, and then I'll meet you at the loft." She stroked her thumb over his cheek once more before she pulled her hand away and headed into the elevator.
He followed her, a little relieved but not really less worried. But whatever it was, it wasn't his fault, she had been able to convince him of that. And maybe he could think of something to cheer her up or at least to make it easier for her to talk. An idea started to form in his mind as the doors of the elevators closed.
They headed to the parking lot and to their separate cars, both of them thinking about meeting each other at the loft again in an hour but having no idea what was going on in the other one's mind.