Why is it such a common thing to group women and cars together? There are all those stupid quotes about women being like cars, and I am trying for the life of me to understand why. Where does it come from? I s'pose misogynists. But still.
Cars are easy. She is not.
Which is why I've been sweating under the hood of the Rabbit all day. Not cause it was hard work but because I was thinking about our date later on. It wasn't hot out, it was raining, and the work was totally mindless.
Thing is, I never overthink when I'm actually with Bella; it's the lead-up before I see her that has me walking into walls acting a fool. Billy says he's gonna throw me in the corner and put a dunce cap on me next time I zone out when he's trying to talk to me. Honestly, I deserve it, especially considering the fact I'm sort of flunking in school.
Hail started to pound down on the garage roof that sheltered me. Damn it. Watch, I get the thing finally running, and first drive out, I gotta replace the windshield for hail damage. Would be my luck.
I continued tinkering around under the hood, adjusting the carburetor and spark plugs. The engine still made that annoying ticking noise, which meant the timing belt needed changing. It was a delicate task but still a thoughtless one.
Meanwhile, I'm over here like: "should I bring her something this time? Flowers? Snacks? Her coffee order from Shot in the Dark?"
No, she'd be so embarrassed and would definitely kick me.
The bowling alley we're going to looks so small on the outside I'm not even sure I could fit in it. And yeah, I Googled it. Along with the menu. And yeah, I already know what I'm getting and precisely what bowling ball I want. The lime green one. What other one is there to get? I like to be prepared, is all.
I wiped the sweat beading on my forehead with my bicep. Goddamn, did she make me sweat.
I had one thing left to do on the car until she was all good to go. (Wait, I just had an epiphany: I gendered the car. Is that where the comparison comes from? If so, my next car is gonna be named Sir Kevin Ronaldo.) I grabbed a wrench from my toolbox and tightened a loose fan belt, the last quick fix to complete my masterpiece.
When finished, I dropped the wrench, let it clatter to the floor, and stepped back. I dragged a rag from my pocket across my head and exhaled.
"It's alive!" I said aloud, slamming down the hood. I ducked down into the driver's seat and turned the ignition. Aw, yeah. We're in business, baby.
In my room, I yanked out the nicest casual outfit I could find from my dresser. Dark blue jeans, a crisp white v-neck and my vintage brown leather jacket. I looked in the mirror and smoothed out any wrinkles. Upon closer inspection, I had a few streaks of grease on my face, which I scrubbed off with a washcloth. My hair was also a mess, so I brushed it out, and on my left side, I twisted the hair that framed my face into a braid, the way Bells taught me. She's gonna be proud. I completed the fit with my black utility boots and headed out the door.
—-
I can't lie; I felt cool as hell driving down the rez in the rabbit. I was not gonna let the obnoxious rain stop that. Sadly, Quil or Embry wouldn't be outside to see me driving by, but that's okay; I was excited to show Bella. She'd been watching me work on the thing for months.
When I pulled up to the Swan house, I honked the horn. After fumbling with the radio to shut it off, I noticed it was 7 pm on the dot, just in time.
A few minutes later, Bella came darting out of the house with an umbrella. She wore her light brown parka with the fuzzy hood, those adorable fucking mittens, faded blue jeans, and hunter wellies. She opened the passenger door while hilariously attempting to close the umbrella that wouldn't close.
"Jacob Black! Are you serious right now?! I can't believe it! You finished it!"
Just seeing that glow on her face turns me into that down-bad skunk from Looney Tunes, who's always got hearts floating around his head. Trust me, it makes me wanna puke, too. But I can't help it.
"Get in, you nut. C'mon!"
When she finally got it closed, she threw the sopping wet thing in my lap and tumbled into the passenger seat, slamming the door shut.
"Sorry! I didn't wanna get the new car wet," she said, putting her hand over her mouth, her eyebrows raised.
I dragged the umbrella with two fingers off my jeans and put it down by her feet.
"Honey, it's an '86. You could put your feet up on the dash if you want; I don't care."
She propped up her boots on the dashboard, smiling mischievously. Already, I was beaming. With her, it was immediate.
"Seriously though, you're incredible, Jake." She held her hand up for a high five, and I slapped it, twisting my fingers through hers. She didn't break free from it and allowed our hands to rest on the console.
She hid her face in her hair, blushing no doubt, and glanced out the window.
"Just good with my hands, is all. You better show me up in bowling, though, if you wanna catch up." I rolled away from her block and started down the slippery road. I cringed every time a piece of hail hit the roof.
She scoffed. "Honestly, I'll just accept my defeat now. We both know I'm gonna suck."
"Only with that attitude. You know, when you go into something expecting failure, you knock down your chances of success by about half. Tell me right now that you're gonna beat my ass."
"But you know I'm not."
"And why's that? You have some major advantages over me, missy. Those skinny little fingers of yours can fit in the ball. Look at my sausages," I said, shaking our intertwined hands.
"You got a point there."
"So tell me you're gonna kick my ass. Intimidate me, Swan."
"I, uh, have skinny fingers? And you have freakish monster hands."
I rolled my eyes. "I said intimidate me! Make me shake in my boots. C'mon."
She withdrew her hand, and I saw her shake her finger close to my face in my peripheral view.
"You will never want to go bowling again after tonight," she said in a very theatrical, very bad British accent. "You will see that I am the almighty Goddess of Pins, and I can make each one fall with just my gaze. I'm going to make you cry on those lanes, Black."
We burst out laughing and wheezing at the same time.
"Actually, I think I'm gonna cry right now. Never do that godforsaken accent again, please."
—-
Through the pouring rain and thwacking windshield wipers, I squinted to see the bowling alley's flickering, dimly lit sign.
OPEN• SUNSET LANES • BOWLING • SNACK BAR
I blindly skirted into the lot, hoping not to hit a curb, and pulled into a spot. For a Friday night, I was surprised by how empty the lot was. There wasn't much for people to do in Forks, but the rain must've deterred anyone from trekking out; it was coming down pretty heavy and the hail was looking pretty chunky.
We ran across the lot, hand in hand, kicking up puddles till we got to the colorful entrance. I held the door open for her while I shook off the dripping umbrella.
It was a dinky little joint. We were met with vibrant, retro decor - neon colors and funky patterns covered the walls, and The Doors playing overhead completed the nostalgic vibes.
Come on, baby, light my fire
Come on, baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire
Try to set the night on fire
Try to set the night on fire
Try to set the night on fire
"Oh, this is the place Charlie always raves about. I had no idea it was a bowling alley; he calls it Sunset. He's addicted to the burgers." She pointed to the snack bar's letterboard sign advertising The Best Burgers in Forks. "It's so cute!"
Beyond the snack bar were two pool tables, their green felt tops gleaming under the overhead lights. A couple of older men were focused on their game.
After I paid 15 bucks at the counter and Bella got her shoes (the downside of being Sasquatch is that they didn't carry my shoe size, but the worker was very understanding and had me wipe my boots off on a rug), we went down to the lanes and picked out our balls. There were seven lanes, two occupied by a young couple and a family of four.
"You better be afraid," Bella said, holding the brown and gold bowling ball to her face like a pro.
"Let's see what ya got. Don't drop it on your foot," I said, taking a seat.
She walked up to the approach area, focused for a minute, and threw the ball down the wooden lane. She stood on her tippy toes as she cringed, watching the ball inch closer and closer to the gutter. But it curved back to the center and collided with the pins.
Miraculously, she got a strike.
She jumped around to face me. "Did you see that?!"
"Pfft. Beginners luck." I got up, slapping her waiting hand, unable to hide my proud grin. She did a little victory dance, and I nearly died from how cute she was.
We switched places, and I got into position. I let the lime green ball fly out of my grip, holding my breath as it barreled down the lane. I craned my body to the left, hopping on one foot, attempting to telepathically control it to curve. But alas, it stayed on its course and only took out five pins.
"Aw, dang," I said, snapping my fingers. I jokingly hung my head and dragged my feet back to the seat.
She brushed past me, ball in hand.
"Make way for the Goddess of Pins," she said in that horrid accent.
"Oh lord, not again."
This time, the ball slipped out of her grip prematurely and skated into the gutter.
She turned around on one foot, shrugging.
"Whoops."
"S'pose the Goddess of Pins ain't so powerful after all. You're totally gonna lose," I said, provoking her competitive spirit.
Her face scrunched up, and she crossed her arms in playful frustration.
"Hmmph."
The return spit out my ball, and I gathered it in one hand.
"Lemme show you how it's done, tiny," I patted her head and took her place.
I threw the ball, and it took out one pin.
We both howled in laughter.
"Let me show you how it's done, giant."
She got another strike. She spun around with excitement and tripped over her own feet, crashing to the ground.
"Oh shit, shit! You okay, honey?" I knelt down and scanned her for injury.
Her reddened face didn't reveal any pain, just embarrassment.
"I'm fine," she muttered. I pulled her up and cleared the strands of hair from her face. My thumb lingered, caressing her warm cheek.
"I thought the whole point of these clown shoes was to prevent someone from slipping. Though, who am I kidding? It's you we're talking about here."
"Hush up, you're still losing," she said, nodding to the scoreboard.
"You're somethin' else, you know?" I said, still rubbing her cheek. Her blush deepened, but she stayed looking into my eyes.
The couple from 3 lanes down interrupted us because, of course, they did.
"Hey, are you alright? That looked like it hurt," the blonde girl said.
"Yeah, she okay?" the dude asked.
We turned to them, and Bella answered.
"Um, yes, yes, I'm okay. Sort of a normal thing for me."
"It's true. Imagine the floor was ice at all times. That's how it is in this one's world," I said, pointing my thumb at Bells.
"Okay, good. Also awesome on the strikes. Neither of us came close!" the dude said.
"My girls a natural." In the corner of my eye, I saw her blush even harder. Which obviously was the point.
"Good luck, guys!" The girl said as they both went back to their lane.
Bella ended up kicking my ass for the rest of the hour. We played five games, and I lost track of how many strikes she got while I only got 3. The last game's scoreboard revealed that she scored 170, and I scored a measly 110.
"Damn it, Swan. You showed me the hell up. I'm impressed," I said as she slipped back into her rain boots.
"Couldn't have done it without my hype man."
"I think you've been practicing in preparation for our date. I mean, you even admitted Charlie always comes here for food. You're a sneak."
"Speaking of, are you hungry?"
"When am I not."
"True."
I returned Bella's teeny clown shoes and grabbed us a tray of food. An influx of people trickled in, so it took me a minute to find her sitting at a table in the far back.
"Madame, your grub," I said, placing the tray in front of her. I barely fit in the plastic seat, and the hanging lamp was at eye level, so I had to slide down to meet her gaze. The tray consisted of three deluxe bacon cheeseburgers (two for me), mozzarella sticks, tater tots, and two cokes.
"Ooo, this does look pretty good. Charlie's gonna be jealous when I tell him we came here."
"Where does he think you went?" I asked, biting into my first burger.
"Mmm. I'm not sure; I just said I'm hanging with you. He doesn't seem to care what we do; he trusts you."
"He better. Man's known me my whole life."
"Yes. He's always happy when we hang out," she said, nibbling on a tater tot.
"So are you."
She looked down and started quickly eating. I started humming along to The Stooges song playing around us.
I'm a street-walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm
I'm a runaway son of the nuclear A-bomb
I am a world's forgotten boy
The one who searches and destroys
"Well, duh. You're my bestest best friend," she said, smiling.
"And you're mine." And also sort of the girl of my dreams, love of my life, yadda yadda yadda.
Honey, gotta help me, please
Somebody gotta save my soul
Baby, detonate for me
Yeah, it hurt to be floundering around in the friend zone, but at least I knew she had feelings for me. And I'll take all I can get. I wish so bad she'd tell me. Really, tell me what she feels. I wouldn't need to be anything else; I'd be completely content staying how we are. I just wanted her to say it; I wanted to beg. But I kept my big mouth shut.
"On a serious note, I am the happiest I've been in a really long time," she said.
"I know that."
"Thanks to you." Throw that on the list of things people only say to people they have feelings for. Cough, cough.
Look out, honey, 'cause I'm using technology
Ain't got time to make no apology
Soul radiation in the dead of night
Love in the middle of a firefight
"Shouldn't owe your happiness all to one person, Bells."
"Well, I know, I'm not saying- I mean. Never mind." She's gonna drive me to drink.
"Spit it out."
Honey, gotta strike me blind
Somebody gotta save my soul
Baby, penetrate my mind
"It's nothing," she answered. And I nearly bashed my head into a wall but I kept it real cool and ate my mozzarella sticks like a good boy.
"You sorta mess with my mind sometimes."
"Well, I don't mean to." I know she didn't, and I didn't want to push it.
I changed the topic. "Quil and Embry would love this place. We gotta drag them down. Bry would love the music and I bet Quil would probably break bowling records."
"I was thinking the same. Gosh, I need to beat Quil at something. Why is he so good at everything?"
"Cause he's a little gifted weirdo," I snorted.
—
It was no longer raining when we finished eating and stepped outside. The air was damp and breezy. The parking lot was a lot more full than an hour ago. You'd think people living in the rainiest town in the country wouldn't be so scared of the rain, but alas.
I walked towards my car until I noticed Bella wasn't beside me. I twirled around to see her staring up at the sky.
"What's up?" I asked, walking to her side. She pointed to the moon; it hung perfectly full, slightly masked by fog and flowery tree branches.
"It never gets old," she said.
"It doesn't."
"It's still pretty early. Can we go somewhere with a better view?"
"Anywhere. Where ya thinkin'?"
"There's a park up the road; I passed it the other day. Tillicum Park. Also, can I test drive the Rabbit?"
"Sure, sure," I said with a wide smile. Her wanting to hang out for longer always made me ecstatic. "Gotta be careful though, the roads are slick and I have to change out the tires."
It was adorable seeing her so excited to drive my car, something I worked so hard on. It made me burst with joy. The drive was only 3 minutes to the park, but it was never a dull moment with Bells. The park was seemingly empty and dark only being lit by a few streetlamps. The sign Tillicum Park was surrounded by blossoming dogwood trees. White and pink flower petals littered the lot and grass.
"This good?" She asked.
"Perfect."
She slid out of the car, and I followed. I thought she'd want to lay on the hood, but she instead walked down a path that led to a swing set.
"Aw, they're all wet," she said, examining the soaked seats.
"Well, what'd you expect, it was just pouring. Here." I shook off two of the swings and sank into one. No, I did not fit on it well; it may as well been one of those infant swings.
"It's still wet, though. It's fine. I just wanted to see the moon," she said, arms crossed, staring up into the sky again. Leaning forward, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her down onto my lap.
"Jake!"
I started lightly swinging, holding her, while one hand clutched the chain.
"It's pretty," I said, staring at the moon.
"We're gonna break this thing!"
"Nah, we won't. But if so, that'd be hilarious."
"Let me off!"
I swung a bit higher. "Bells, relax, I've got you."
The scent of her strawberry shampoo cut through the lingering vapor in the air, and I felt at home.
She eventually settled and got lost in the moon with me. It looked even brighter now as the clouds evaded it. Crickets chirped blaringly in the grass around us, filling the silence.
I could stay holding her forever. I could stay just like this. Still, I sensed her hesitation, her fear of getting hurt again. It felt like a dagger to the heart. But I'll hold it there for as long as she needs. I'll bear any pain. This pain I felt was still nothing compared to the shit that demon put her through.
She shook her right hand and sucked in her breath as if she was in pain. I allowed my feet to drag on the sand, slowly halting us.
"My wrist kind of hurts now. I guess there's a price to pay for being so good at bowling."
"Mine is a little sore, too, and I got nothing to show for it," I said, reaching for her wrist and massaging it with my thumb.
"Thanks," she muttered.
I caressed her cool, crescent-shaped scar, and immediately, the dagger was back in my chest. I hated this thing. It was a cruel reminder of what caused her to hallucinate and scream in the night. She'd call me crying at 4 AM over the flashbacks of when James attacked her. Then it snowballed into being reminded of Edward the dipshit. I wanted to cut the scar off her skin.
"It's not fair," I blurted out.
"Hmm?"
"That he'll always have his mark on you." She shifted uncomfortably. Saying this would've been entirely out of the question a few months ago. But after she told me everything about the Cullens, she could talk about it now. She needed to speak to someone about it. Imagine living with a secret like that? I sure as hell couldn't.
"I just wish you never had to go through any of that," I said.
"I wouldn't have changed any of it, regardless of what it's left me with," she whispered.
I never asked if she still loved him. I don't think I could handle the answer. I was more than content knowing she condemned his actions and would never take him back. That was good enough for me. I could live with Bella falling for someone else and being happy with them. I'd be her best man at the wedding. But I couldn't live with her going back to the vampire that preyed, stalked, and discarded her. Cause that would've ended with her death. I don't think I'd be strong enough to sit around and watch that.
"It's part of your story. As bizarre as it is."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It just kills me thinking about it sometimes. What they did to you…" I said.
"I'm better with it now, you know that. I'm getting past it. It'll always be there, yes, but it's not so bad anymore."
"Look at me." She did. And it made me wanna scream how her pupils instantly dilated. "You will never be alone in this life, you hear me? I swear it, Bella, through thick and thin, I'm here. I'll do anything to protect you. I shouldn't have said you mess with my head; none of that matters, and that's my own thing I gotta deal with."
She kept looking at my lips, and it was driving me crazy.
But "I know" was all she said.
Without breaking eye contact, I picked up her wrist and kissed the frigid scar, warming it. She let out a sigh of pleasure.
I then kissed all the way up her wrist, all over her palm, and flipped it over to kiss the top of her pale hand that practically glowed in the night.
"Always," I said.
She was flustered. I could sense her wanting to get up, so I started to lift us up off the seat until the braid in my hair caught in the chain link stopped me from doing so. I plopped back down on the swing, tugging my head to break free.
"Here, let me get it," she said, leaning over to untwist the knotted strands. I let my head rest on the chain, watching her focused face.
"Did I do it right, by the way? The braid?"
"Yes, it looks great, Jake. It was the first thing I noticed."
"Why thank ya."
"There," she said, freeing the braid, and brushing through my hair with her fingers. She got closer to my face and tucked a few strands behind my ear. Her fingers lingered under my jaw, which she started caressing while looking at my lips again.
Godddddddd. Why does she do this to me?
She looked into my eyes, and it was as if she had snapped. As if the last 5 months caved in on us. As if she finally broke through the pane of glass between us.
She leaned in.
And she fucking kissed me.
Just like she always does in my dreams. But it was real this time. So real that it nearly choked me.
I froze.
And she detonated.
She grabbed my face with both hands and moved her lips on mine with a ferocity she clearly couldn't contain. Her desire for me was palpable. She spun her body around, straddling her legs around me.
Once the shock wore off, I matched her kiss.
I pulled her as close as possible to my body and freed the pent-up passion that brewed in my chest. I kissed her deeply, feeling the undeniable current that always raged between us explode. Our mouths moved in a perfect synchronicity.
She moved closer in my lap, her fingers desperately grabbing at the roots of my hair. I wouldn't have even noticed if she ripped my hair completely out.
I moved my lips to the corner of her mouth, to her cheek, down to her neck. She gasped when I lightly bit it, trailing her fingers down my chest. She pulled me back to her lips and breathlessly deepened our kiss.
When she pulled away, she looked bewildered, almost afraid. I couldn't tell if she was going to run or if that was the fear I'd fed myself. My chest tightened. What if this changed things? What if she made a mistake? Losing her was my biggest fear.
With just a few words, she pulled out the dagger that was plunged through my heart. They rushed out; a flowing stream no longer stunted by a dam.
"Jake. I… adore you. All of you. Every part of you. I always have; I just- I just couldn't bring myself to face it. To potentially hurt you. I've made myself sick over this, but I can't fight it anymore." She wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing my cheek, fingers in my hair. Then she was at my ear.
"I'm sorry that I've pushed you away. I needed to process things." She pulled back, and looked into my eyes, all fear gone in her face.
"Just…even when you're angry. Even when you accidentally crush me while you nap. Even when you first wake up. When you're covered in grease, sweating." She exhaled deeply. "I adore you."
It felt like my brain short-circuited. I always knew Bella felt something for me, but that only existed in my brain for the most part. To hear her confirm it made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack. In a good way. In the best way.
Could we really be together though? Through all of the pain she went through, she deemed herself broken. Called herself 'damaged goods." Even compared herself to a car herself, for crying out loud. "I'm not like a car you can just fix up. I'm never gonna run right."
Would I be so stupid to hang onto her like I always have? Not let anyone else in? Could I really let her get even closer? If she ripped it all away one day, the pain would be unimaginable. But I would try for her. If she wanted.
I realized my mouth was hanging open, and I don't think I blinked at all.
"Sorry." I cleared my throat.
"Bella, I-" I stood up, her legs still wrapped around me. I adjusted her in my grip so we were eye level. I was tired of not saying it. I wanted her to know exactly how I felt. What if I died in a car crash one day and never said it? I'd be kicking my ghost self so hard. I need her to know. Her doe eyes were wet and scared again. I didn't want her to be afraid anymore, so I spit it out.
"I love you."
I kissed her nose. "I love you. I've always loved you. There wasn't a moment I didn't. It was only ever going to be you for me."
She broke out into a giant smile, and I couldn't help but mirror it. I kissed all over her face and melted when she giggled. I spun her around and said it one more time solely because it felt good. "I love you."
I set her down on her feet, and she grabbed my hand.
"I love you, too, Jake," she said, her face illuminating in the hazy moonlight.
I knew she meant it; I felt it in my bones.
"I know," I teased. She blushed and tried to hide it by walking away, dragging me by the hand behind her.
"You gotta take me home now."
"Do I haaaave to?"
"Yes. You're going to have to keep it extra punctual now."
"Oh yeah? Why's that?"
She giggled. "Because."
"What are you on about?"
When we returned to the rabbit, I flung her door open for her, but instead of getting in, she laughed in my face.
"I'm so confus-" She kissed my face.
"Because I'm going to tell Charlie you're my boyfriend now."
I could've started levitating right then and there, but I kept it cool and masked my excitement by being a smart-ass.
"Wait, so I wasn't your boyfriend this whole time?" I smirked.
She stepped on my foot.
"You are so annoying."
"Yeah, but you love it."
—-
When I dropped Bella off and was at least a few houses down, I WOOHOO'D probably way too loud. I turned up the radio and sang along every word of the shitty pop song that filled the car, using my fist as a microphone.
"Did you take something?" Billy jokingly asked as I danced my way through our living room.
"Life's good, old man, life is GOOD."
I filled him in on the night as I helped him get ready for bed, putting on his compression socks and collecting his laundry for me to throw in the wash.
He was thrilled for me but was probably more thrilled that this was confirmation his best friend's daughter wouldn't date the vampire again if it ever came back around. I'll take it for now.
When all was said and done, I stripped out of my jeans, threw off my shirt, and plopped into my bed wearing just a pair of boxer briefs.
The rickety old mattress that usually kills my back felt like a cloud. I wanted so badly for Bella to be here with me. I almost reached for the phone to call her but I didn't wanna seem too clingy. The taste of her lips still lingered on mine and that's how I knew this wasn't all just a fever dream. I savored her.
I didn't know where we were headed, how our futures would look, or anything like that.
But what I do know is that there are three things I was pretty damn sure of:
First off, Bella was healing. Day by day, getting over the past that haunted her. Second, she was telling her protective dad, who owns a gun, that I'm her new boyfriend. And third, I was pathetically and stupidly in love with her.
But I'm pretty sure anyone with a brain already knew that last part.