Chapter 1 First Sight

Bella

Hard to believe there was ever a time when I could be easily distracted by inane, inconsequential things like the children around me. Everyone was just absolutely enthralled by the fact that someone new, from somewhere else, was coming here. Edward Swan, son of the runaway 'bride' who ran out on the Chief of Police. Yes, that was most likely it. Small town people really couldn't help themselves around gossip.

Charlie Swan was revered for being a good man, and a good man he is. I've caught him defending us when some townspeople took their gossiping too far. But more innocently, perhaps the students were curious to see just how different he might be. New experiences, maybe tan in skin tone. He simply saw the sun more. Was that enough to make him a freak to these people? I wonder how they'd react to him...

So far, the girls were already imagining themselves running away with him. I had to stifle a laugh. And the boys were hoping he wasn't as cool as the girls imagined so that he didn't take their interests away from them. There was a bit of jealousy already, along with a twinge of hope that a cool guy would approve of them and validate their existence with his friendship.

What is it like to not feel accepted, be dependent on others for relief, have it, and then not be satisfied?

I'm sure high school students knew but... I could never ask. Trapped in the image they created of me. I didn't even fully understand that. I wish I could read minds. Would it make things easier, or just make things more annoying?

I bet I'd be hearing nothing but how beautiful Rosalie's blond hair was, from her.

"Bella, you're doing that thinking thing again. You get so serious that others think you'll punch them if they dared speak to you." Alice said. I didn't react. I've overheard such a description before.

"Try to soften your expression," she said more softly.

"Don't think I want their company," I responded. How could children like these know what it's like to have lived forever and have forever to live after that?

My family did, however, they didn't experience it alone. Most of them remembered some of their human life: Alice's mate Jasper who was a major in the confederate army, Carlisle who ran away from his Father-priest who likely would have had him burned at the stake if he knew what he'd become. Esme, perhaps. Rosalie certainly did. She murdered all the men that left her for dead. Emmett, not quite but he far from suffered, finding great joy in being able to box grizzly bears.

Alice was the only one with the potential to understand, and yet we couldn't connect. She was held hostage in a psych ward for being able to know the future even as a human, before being broken out by a mysterious man who then took the last thing she had left. Suppose it ended well, was meant to be, she said. She wouldn't have met Jasper otherwise. But, with such trauma, how could I bother her with something so small?

So small, seemingly manageable in comparison, and yet-

"Try to make friends this time around. You'll regret it if you don't," she said ominously.

"Did you see something?"

She smiled to herself connivingly.

"Perhaps,"

It's rare that her 'guessing game' would pique my interest. This wasn't one of those times.

I knew she was right, though. It is easy to make friends.

Alright. No, it's not. But to connect, in general, in a small way, it's easy indeed. I didn't have to be alone in my dark existence. I could chat about homework... I shook my head. The shadow in my head quickly took over.

Homework is meaningless. Pointless. Why did we even bother going to school over and over if we knew everything?

'It give us the excuse to wear all these clothes!' Alice said once. You tend to accumulate things when you live forever. I must admit, I did own a lot of things that I loved that belonged to many different subcultures. Once, we had the greatest costumes for a 20's themed dance. No one knew they were vintage.

Carlise said going to school gave us tasks and forced us to have interactions with others that would keep us from going insane.

I nudged the disgusting chicken tenders, which definitely were not made of meat, roughly.

Cheap connection. Shallow. Not at all what I was yearning for. These people weren't even my family. I was adopted, we all were. I was loved, yes, and I loved them too. But... I was missing something. And they knew it, that too was annoying.

Carlisle said my birth mother begged him to save my life. I've asked him to tell me the story several times even though it was already committed to memory. I could imagine the amount of love she must have had to ask for something so desperate from someone she didn't know. And she somehow knew his secret, Carlisle said. Still, she asked a monster, something otherworldly for help. I could imagine that, but not what it would have felt like to receive her love.

I can't remember anything. All I had, was her engagement ring as a testament of her good wishes, the wish that I would go on and be happy. I had my moments, but darkness quickly set in when the others, who were in a similar predicament, fared better.

I blamed their mates. That company was enough, and I wanted it too.

My adoptive mother, Esme, was great. Fantastic. But I knew she wasn't 'mine'. She would be. Her love would be enough if it weren't for the fact that I was aware I had lived before.

I felt so lost, roaming the earth without my mother, my father- not even knowing who I was. I had to build myself from the ground up, and discover my likes and dislikes. Figure out what I believed in through deadly trial and error. Learn how to walk.

And I had to hide it. I tried, but as vampires, we possessed perfect memory, and so Esme and Carlisle knew, and couldn't un-know. That's why they tried so hard to make me feel better. I ended up a failure again, causing them pain. I don't think telling them I didn't blame them or hate them erased that feeling that they might be wholly responsible.

How heavy is the responsibility for your own happiness...

Edward's perspective.

Renee's goodbyes at the airport were less than stellar. She failed miserably at hiding her happiness, granted, my being gone meant she could finally road trip with her new beau Phil without a worry. She was right to be happy, I just wished I could come first for once.

"I can take care of myself just fine, and I'll call and email," I assured her, though I was the one looking after myself my entire life, for the most part. There was definitely nothing to worry about.

"Don't forget about your dry cleaning. You forgot to get it last Friday," I reminded. I was no better. I was pretty happy at the fact that I wouldn't have to look after her, but I had my doubts that Phil was up to the task. He was pretty great. He lasted longer than others but that was because he traveled a lot. This trip would put their love to the test, and I hoped it persevered. I really didn't want to have to say goodbye and welcome a new one in.

I had to resist the urge to pinch the bridge of my nose. I had long given up on the hope that any one of them could be my father. I just needed some damn consistency...

If only Charlie didn't live so far, and he wasn't Chief of Police. He certainly couldn't leave his job for long or completely. He felt a sense of duty to the town, maybe because he grew up there and got to know everyone and then their children. A good man, albeit awkward as hell. Besides, who was going to protect Renee if I was gone?

"Oh, thanks! I totally forgot,"

Phil came to give me a pat on the back. He was alright. We were far from close, but we had a bit of an understanding. I kind of liked baseball and played at my school.

"Take care of her," I said.

"I will,"

I still wasn't sure if I could trust him. He was energetic, or should I say laissez-faire? Which wasn't a bad thing. Could two children survive? Maybe so, if she and I did.

"Alright, I'm leaving now," I said, quickly moving and disappearing into the moving blob of people behind me heading for security.

I wasn't happy about living in a town as boring and dank as Forks, but I also didn't want to miss my flight.

Actually, the small town might be bearable if it weren't for the fact I'd be sharing a small place with an 'estranged' father. I think I might die from the cringe.

It was always so weird. I knew he loved me, but he didn't even know me. Not well anyway. It simply wasn't good enough for me. And I knew he still pined after my mother, after the life he hoped he could have had with her and me. I was a love child. Or I was supposed to be.

I had to stop myself before I was tempted to blame my mother. It wasn't fair to wish she had stuck it out with him, with that place but...I ended up missing out too. On more, even.

I can't hate her. She's all I have.

...

I passed the three-hour flight quickly with music and reading a book. I needed the distraction from wondering how the greeting would go. I hadn't seen Charlie in a year. We'd talk over the phone here and there but... it was mostly silence. And it was always awkward, so I feel like he tried not to call as much, and I was far from mad about it. I'd be living with him this entire time if I wasn't some dumb kid who didn't want to live with essentially a stranger at the time. It didn't get much better.

"Heyyyyy, son," He drawled awkwardly, and even more awkwardly gave me a side hug. He had reached for my bag before saying 'hello' so he had no choice.

"Sup,Char-Dad."

There was a small pause, very slight, before he started towards the exit.

"Let's go, cruiser's outside."

Oh, shit. He was driving me in the police cruiser.

I shrank down so deep in the seat as the town whizzed past me.

"So. How's...your mom?"

"She's fine,"

"Mmm."

"She and Phil are heading out pretty much immediately. It's little league season,"

"Oh."

"How 'bout you?" I asked. I scrunched my face. What did that even mean? What was I trying to say?

"What?"

"Did you...meet someone?"

"God, no." He scoffed. Right. Can't date someone in a town you protect and serve. You know them already. That might be weird.

We pulled up to my sort of childhood home in no time. Right. One bathroom. It's gonna be like a college dorm.

I walked into my bedroom which felt like a time capsule. Hardly anything has changed since...it was my nursery. The walls were still blue, and the teddy bear and balloons wallpaper was gone, plus the crib, at least. It was replaced by a twin bed covered in navy sheets.

"Added a desk too for school," Charlie murmured. "You like, you like blue, right?"

"Yeah, blue's okay," I said, still looking around at all the knick-knacks added to give it that 'cabin' feel. Some Arizona-inspired stuff was sprinkled in too. To make it feel like home? There was also a little cactus on the desk. Great. Don't I have to water that thing?

He huffed and shifted on his feet.

"Alright, well. I'll let you get settled," he said and rushed out the door like the room was on fire.

I tossed my duffle bag onto the bed and threw myself after it. I sighed which reverberated against the silence.

...

Charlie was gone the next morning- early start at work- but he had left me a note telling me he's usually at home around 6 pm but will call if he'll be long. I scrounged around for some breakfast and found the grocery fund jar. I'll have to tell him about my going for a grocery run.

I ate quickly and jumped into the beat-up truck he gifted me, fixed up by an old childhood friend. God, it's so fucking loud...

So much for laying low.

My car did the introductions for me as I rolled up to an empty parking space in the school lot.

"Nice ride," Someone muttered as I walked past them. Whatever, man...And I headed to the office to get my schedule.

Mrs. Cope very nicely added a map of the school. Maybe I'll have an easier time getting around. Some saving grace.

So many people-so many girls- walked up to me and introduced themselves. I was never this popular in my life. I was wholly unprepared.

I tried my best to be smooth, get them off of me, and strike up conversations with the guys in my class. They were pretty interested but more chill about it. I got along with a couple of them and was invited to sit at their table. They seemed alright so far, and at least I wasn't going to be sitting alone on my first day. Thank god. The layout of the cafeteria was totally different. Open plan, circular tables, not surfboard shaped or a second floor where all the cool kids sat. I definitely needed some kind of 'in'.

The girls at the table giggled as their guy friends introduced me to them.

"Wow...what's Arizona like? I bet it's hot, is it hot?" Jessica asked.

"Uh, hell yeah. Cars melt under the sun at times."

"Woah," she said in genuine surprise. I wasn't at all serious, but I felt crippled by the idea of taking it back now.

"So, what are you into?" Lauren, I think, asked.

"Well, I played baseball in my school there. But I'm not a huge fan, just good at it. Something to do."

"Oh," she hummed.

"Here we have baseball, football, soccer, volleyball, and softball. The last two only have girls' teams," Mike said.

"Ah. I don't know if I'll join a team yet,"

"Tryouts are over!' the same guy that muttered at me shouted, and he pulled the seat from under Eric, the first male to approach me, and ran off. He ran after him to get him back and Mike followed, hoping to see how it ends. I was just about to ask him if he played. It's gonna be weird, trying to make friends with that guy.

"Ugh. Boys will be boys," Jessica tried to say chipper-ly. I laughed along.

I continued to look around me, taking in the sights. Not a lot of natural light came in despite being surrounded by windows, but that was because it was overcast today. The food was oddly the same. Did one company provide for all schools? How are they still in business?

"Woah... who are they?" I asked. Making my way around the perimeter, my eyes fell on this group of people who sat by the windows on the north side of the caf. They looked... intimidating. Especially this big, buff guy, and the other one who looked like he could kill people. But the girls...one of them especially, was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

They looked like they could be related but their features, the bone-based ones were totally different.

"Those are the Cullens, Doctor and Mrs. Cullen's foster kids. They moved down here from Alaska, like, a few years ago," Jessica drawled shyly. Damn. Does every girl like everybody?

"They're like together. Like, together, together," she continued. I kept staring.

"Jess, they're not, actually related,"

"I know but it's- it's weird," Jessica and Angela murmured. They continued to do so while I watched. Indeed. The two males had their arms around two of the three girls, one short one with spiky hair, and a blond bombshell. I'd die if she looked at me- she was the sort of girl that any guy would die just to be looked at by her- but that girl, the one with the rich, brown hair...

Oh, shit! She was staring right at me! I looked away quickly.

"The large guy is Emmett, and the girl with him is Rosalie. Next to them is Jasper, the blonde guy who looks like he's in pain. He's with Alice, the little one. Um, Dr. Cullen is like this foster dad, slash matchmaker..."

"Maybe he'll adopt me," Lauren butted in coquettishly.

"...w-who's she?" I asked, nodding my head at the third girl at the end.

"That's Isabella," Jessica said, with some steel in her voice. "She thinks she's better than everybody. Seriously, don't waste your time," she added, catching me looking at her again.

"...you sure?" She was tiny, and...her furrowed eyebrows alluded to her confusion but...yeah, I can see what she means. She looked intimidating. Angry. But her size and posture alluded to something else. I'd say she was cute if it weren't for-

Jessica quickly took my attention back but every now and again I'd steal glances at the girl. While the blond girl was typically 'hot', Bella- er, Isabella was...

Her clothes were dissimilar to the others, a little out of place- more approachable, I should say, as if she opted for comfort today. But her face... her cheekbones weren't high, and her lips weren't full, but her features were small. Dainty. Her eyebrows, little caterpillars that tell you what she's thinking, and her eyes, so large and dark. Her eyes weren't particularly large, but her irises were.

I wanted to look into them, see if they were larger from closer up...- she turned back toward me, catching me. I quickly turned away. I couldn't tell if she was surprised to catch me or disgusted with me. I couldn't risk looking back to check.

I was in the mood to write, so I did. Then I got progressively inebriated so if it's janky around the first day...

Never read Life and Death. LMK if you liked it, what you liked, what you hated. The book, not this. But then this too. Let me know if you want another installment but don't get mad if you know, I drop it. Gender-bent is interesting but there's only so far it can be taken, it's a risk. Edyth can read minds but Bella can't. I think this could be better, or have more to offer. Anyway, it's 4 am, bye. Happy New year.

I should re-listen Everglow by Starset. Dark eyes remind me of it.