Keating's lessons meant something to him. They did, despite what Neil may say. Todd didn't like to read aloud, Todd didn't like sappy poetry, Todd didn't like the girls Nuwanda brought, Todd felt irritated.
After some point, the lingering question about what's wrong with one doesn't leave. Once it's there, it's always present. Todd should feel tempted, never being around any girls, adoring them even more because of that. Even if he was gay, which he didn't hope, he'd still feel something. What was wrong with him?
Tears began to well in his eyes. The moon shines trough the open window, showing Neil sleeping peacefully. Todd has known since a few months that Neil liked him. It overwhelmed him and filled him with worries. If he'd mess this thing with Neil up, will the whole friend group just ignore him? Will they hate him?
It's social suicide. What ever he has, it kills any kind of connection. Everything his friends talk about couldn't be less relatable, every crush his friends talked about couldn't be more confusing, every picture of an barely dressed lady his friends liked to glare at couldn't be less interesting. Todd didn't even dare to talk about his problem, fearing they might find him weird.
"And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." said Keating to the class.
These are what we stay alive for? None of these things mattered to Todd. Poetry was nothing more than a cruel task to put his broken feelings on paper. The last three things listed made Todd's heart hurt. It was something purely unobtainable for him, the only beauty and romance existing in dreams where he's able to ask Neil out, without his inner boundaries stopping him. Everything else Keating said also made Anderson nervous. He's already got enough pressure to live up to his parents' expectations. He can never be enough like his brother. His parents didn't care. He wanted to do rowing, his parents made him play soccer, just like at Balincrest, how was he supposed to seize the day with conditions like this? His parents didn't even send him anything other than a desk set as a birthday gift!
His parents expect him to bring home a wife some day, it dawns on him. With his luck and current condition, he'll be lucky if he even falls in love once, preferably with a certain boy named Neil Perry.
Hours passed and he still can't sleep. Todd yearns for a live with love, and how it might look.
Too bad that he won't ever love.
The dream will remain a dream. Or will it?