AUTHOR'S NOTE REQUIRED READING:

LIST OF TRIGGERS: This story covers major these including but not limited to: rape/sexual assault, mental/physical/emotional turmoil from assault, dying/death, self-harm, broken relationships, medical procedures, and more.

Honor yourself and your health. Don't read this story if it will be harmful for you.

National Sexual Assault Hotline (USA): 8006564673

I published this story originally in 2020 and then again in 2022. Both times I removed it to do major revisions. Reasons for my dirty deletes: this is an incredibly difficult story to read,. an even harder one to write, and I also hate imperfections (which this story has historically and is currently chalk full of). I'm terrified of not doing these characters/plot lines justice. I've taken a few months to review all 700 pages of this story and I'm positive this will be my last time uploading (aka, no more deleting!). I appreciate everyone sticking around through each of my deletes/re-uploads as I work on this story.

THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IMMEDIATELY AFTER NEW MOON ENDS.

Prologue

My heart flutters painfully against my chest. Short breaths that barely subdue the need for oxygen escape my lips. My whole body ached with the pain of haunted memories flurrying across my vision.

"Bella, I'm right here." Edward's voice is a quiet murmur beside my ear. His lips brush at my skin.

I flinch. He wasn't there. Not before.

Icey fingers wrap around my palm, pulling it away from my throat.

"You can breathe, love. There's air here."

The air he spoke of felt damp and hot and heavy.

"Come." Edward pulls at me. A spray of hot water rushes over me, and then I realize my body is violently trembling. Each convulsion of my shoulders trims the space where my lungs might have expanded if there was air.

Edward's dark eyes are in front of me. His hand is squeezing mine.

Could he squeeze the sanity back into my body? Or at least some oxygen? Maybe he could put his hands on my head and squeeze the memories out of my brain forever.

Carlisle told me memories could be a prison. They keep you in the past, keep you from living in the present and cloud your thinking of the future. I yearned to be Alice Cullen. To be free of the past. She was luckier than she ever knew.

"You'll survive this, Bella Swan." Edward whispers, his hand cupping my cheek. "I know you can."

"Make me forget, Edward." The words are strained between my gasps. I peer at the vampire through blurred vision. "Just make it go away."

"One day, Bella," he whispers, putting his forehead against mine. He exhales against my face, and I suck up the cold air. "you won't be locked in this grief anymore."