Chapter 31

*Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable; all those rights go to Stephenie Meyer. All song rights go to the listed artist. I only own any original characters.

A/N

This is the chapter I initially attended to post last night until it came to my attention that my chapters were unreadable. Please if you haven't read the previous chapter due to my posting mistake Please go back and read it as there's an important note in there from myself, as well as part of the story you'd be missing.

I want to again apologize for my mistake

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you, I am afraid

Song ~ Because of you

Artist ~ Kelly Clarkson

Rain, so much rain, it constantly rained here, but for once, she embraced the cold substance that engulfed her as it matched her mood. Still, more importantly, it gave camouflage to the emotional dam that had cracked behind her eyes and begun to leak, allowing tears to flow gently down her flushed cheeks.

Bella stood in the cool air amongst the cloak of pelting rain on shaky legs as gusts of steam escaped her mouth in pants while her lungs fought to fill her straining lungs with air. A pained expression marred her features as her tortured eyes took in the surroundings of where her mind had subconsciously brought her.

She had been living in La Push for weeks and was constantly told about this place. Her brother had coaxed and sometimes begged her to come here, yet never once did she want to set foot in this place. Yet here, in her most distressed moment, she somehow managed to find a place she had never visited. Still, somehow, through blurry eyes, heavy rain, and a dark forest, an unseen tether guided her.

At one time, Bella would have thought it nothing more than a coincidence that she stumbled upon this place, but long ago, Manny had taught her there was no such thing as coincidence. 'God does not play dice with the universe, Mia,' his velvety voice filled her head with that Einstein quote he seemed to make his motto. 'He is far too busy for coincidences, my dear. Nothing is left to just chance. No, it is either decided by premeditation on one's part or by fate. Now, when it comes to us, The latter is how I believe we crossed paths,' echoed in her mind, causing her to slam her eyes shut; hearing him now was bittersweet.

Hearing his voice made her mind shift, remembering all he hid, creating a large part of her to wonder precisely how much he told her about their business transactions was the truth and how much was just lies. Lies carefully constructed that finally caved in and caused life as she knew it to come crashing down.

In her mind, this was just like Humpty Dumpty when he fell from the wall when all of the king's horses and men couldn't put Humpty back together again. Just like the king's men and horses, Bella couldn't put their family back together again no matter how hard she wished or tried by grasping at straws of hope because that family was gone... shattered in a million pieces around her by its fall from the wall of deceit Manny had built.

All those lies and greed had cost her the thing she valued more than anything: a real family. Something she thought she would never have or could ever hope for after she lost her faith in her brother on (and again not long after) her seventh birthday when he walked away.

Unfortunately, that family, that happiness she somehow became a part of, was gone forever, leaving her for the first time in a long time to again feel constantly on guard, confused, and ultimately lost as she coped with being in a place she didn't want to be and with people who refused to understand her but felt righteous enough to condemn her.

Yet at the same time, hearing Manny's wise words and just his voice in her mind's eye was like a blanket of comfort, no matter the pain his indiscretions caused. Manny always had a way of making her feel completely protected. When he was close by, she never feared a thing; his reassuring words and touch gave her the strength to overcome the fears that haunted her.

He had taught her so very much in her years with him. He showed her how to become stronger mentally and physically, showed her it was okay to let someone love you, while also, at the same time, with his patience, teaching her it was alright to love someone in return. Something she thought she was unable to do or obtain after the life she lived.

But in the end, it wasn't enough. Manny's love for her didn't outweigh his deception, as he had chosen a path of destruction over her and the truth. The weight of that realization caused her heart to clench and, if possible, shatter just that much more.

With a hitched breath, she opened her eyes, causing her eyes to fight the darkness as they searched to focus through the rain and her blurry, tear-filled vision. As her vision began to focus on the dim lighting from the moon and the few wooden light posts, images finally became clear. What she saw now caused her eyes to narrow at what was before her.

No premeditation landed her here; she didn't know precisely where she was. No, this was all on fate, causing a proverb she remembered Cruz saying to come slamming to the forefront of her subconscious. 'you often meet your fate on the road you take to avoid it,' his deep voice crooned through her thoughts with a tinge of mirth laced to his words.

As Bella glared at the two cold engraved stones before her, she read the names and sentiments to herself: 'Renee Uley, loving mother. Allison Uley, beloved grandmother,' the message was unmistakable to Bella... fate decided she couldn't run from it any longer and that it was time she faced her demons by bringing her to the one place she had tried so desperately to avoid.

Her eyes roamed the cold, hard marble again, taking in the neat lettering and the endearing words people had chosen. Her eyes kept creeping back to one word, precisely 'loving'; it was almost laughable to her.

In all honesty, Bella didn't know these two women. Sure, she shared their surname and their blood. Still, she didn't know anything about them, so maybe they had been just that, a loving mother and grandmother... to Samuel, but to her, loving was the last adjective she would attach to either of the women that lay at her feet.

"selfish," she bitterly whispered from her lips as she wiped away the wet strands of hair that clung to her face as the rain eased. That was the word she would use to describe these two women in her book, which is why she could never be willing to come here to pay her respects, as Samuel had put it. How do you show respect to someone you blame for your hardships because of their selfishness?

She wasn't sure if her brother didn't want to see it or was genuinely ignorant of how these women had impacted so much of their lives, especially hers, and not for the better. Her exotic eyes took in the newest memorial dedicated to Allison.

Bella loathed that she now lived in Allison's old home and the woman's room. Her grandmother never wanted her in her life. The woman couldn't even be bothered to come into the hospital room and meet her only granddaughter, even if it was to do nothing but say a hello followed by a quick goodbye.

Instead, she sent in her grandson to do the dirty work. Bella couldn't understand how her grandmother could love Samuel enough to save him but turn her away without even giving her a chance to see if she was worth saving too. Instead of an opportunity, all Bella got was tossed into a harsh system and life, forced to feel alone and unloved for so long. So no, Bella couldn't come to pay her respects to a woman who never showed her the same courtesy.

She shifted her focus to the older, glistening, wet marble monument and stared at her mother's name. Her brother had good memories of her, ones he cherished, held onto and shared with her, but Bella had none to call her own. She only had the happy memories her brother had described.

All she had for her own memories when it came to her mother were bruises and pain gifted to her in her mother's name from Joshua for taking her away. Something Bella always believed she deserved and would have still gladly carried those memories of bruises and relentless beatings up to a few weeks ago. A penance for taking away someone all her life she was told was so tremendous and loving, but that all changed after coming here when she heard the truth from the old man's lips. It is a night now seared into memory, one she wanted to forget but couldn't. The memory began forcing its way forward, washing over her, causing her breath to quicken. Her eyes slammed shut as it replayed without her permission.

Her sore but mending body lay on the makeshift bed at Old Quil's tiny home. The Incessant rain pounding on the ceiling and the distant thunder playing with her mind as new sounds kept her from finding any sleep. As the thunder softened, she heard what started out as strained whispers only for them to become louder, causing curiosity to catch hold and for her to slip out from her room and silently sneak down the hall, following not only the voice but the warm fiery glow that seeped through the cracked door of the small study.

Bella braced herself at the door's seam and slowly peered in; Old Quil sat staring at the fire that crackled next to him, with tear tracks tracing down his weathered cheeks. At that moment, she turned back around, giving the old man his privacy for whatever he was grieving over. As she began to peel herself away, his deep yet hoarse voice spoke again, causing her to flinch in surprise before stopping and again, adjusting herself to peer through the small opening and take in his words that seemed to hold so much guilt "Did you see any of this coming, Renee when you poisoned yourself for those nine months, against my advice?" he bit out as he raised a clear tube up and into the fire's light.

"You wouldn't see reason, even when your stubbornness only made you and your unborn daughter sicker with each injection. You stupid child! You risked everything because you believed it was for the greater good, but did your risk only condemn her, Renee?" His voice was harsh, and his glossy eyes stared intently ahead as if he was talking to a ghost

"Right now, Ren…. I only see the latter laying void of any emotion in my bedroom, haunted by the horrors that drove her here," he softly shouted as a turbulent set of mixed emotions became evident in his features as he threw the tube into the fire, shattering it, releasing a smoky acrid smelling haze to flow upward and into the chimney above.

The weight of the words the old man spoke filled her mind on repeat, causing her to stumble slightly from their impact before catching herself and numbly making her way back to her makeshift room to slip back under the covers and back into the darkness it provided. Her heart ached; she had spent years suffering in guilt and pain from the bruises she would take in her mother's name for taking her from everyone because her mother was supposed to be such a loving person.

A part of Bella, deep down, always clung to the belief that her mother wanted her even if her father and brother didn't, even believing in the most foreign regions of her mind that the times she felt like someone was with her holding her in her darkest hours, or that the soft voice she heard in her mind guiding her might be her mother reaching out from the other side showing a mother's love, and letting her know she wasn't ever truly alone.

Now Bella knew those desires were nothing more than childish fantasies. Her mother wasn't any different than her father, her brother, the Cullen family, her foster family, or even her makeshift family with Manny. She now knew the truth: her mother never really wanted her and even tried killing her before she even took her first breath. That thought, mixed with the loss of her hope that her mother ever loved her even in death, caused her aching heart to finally shatter as her breath hitched in sorrow just as she heard the door creak open, instantly causing her to bite down, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip as she fought against the grief trying to escape her as the old man made his nightly check on her.

Waiting on bated breath till she finally heard the door click shut. As silence engulfed her again, she felt a hot tear tracing down her cheek, causing her teeth to let go as the dam broke; she hiccuped in a breath. The realization hit her full force of losing a mother's love she thought she always had but never did. Proving to her a cold, hard truth.

"I have nobody, nobody to love me," she whimpered from her lips as she finished the memory.

As her eyes opened slowly in the misting rain, they again revealed the marble memorials before her. Bella's knees gave out as she dropped into the soggy grass while her gaze roamed over the loving words and tokens at the base of each stone. Those keen peridot eyes caught something identical buried towards the back of each of the shrines.

Slowly moving forward, Bella reached out, taking the cool metal and glass from her grandmother's stone into her hands, causing her to feel a flicker of anger inside her. It was a frame containing two pictures of her among the flowers and gifts. In one, she couldn't have been more than a few days old, only knowing it was herself due to the unique eyes that looked back from the photograph.

The other photograph was taken soon after she moved in with her brother. Her expression in the picture was sullen, and if you took the time to look, her eyes held a deep sadness as she sat through the portrait her brother insisted on taking.

She had sarcastically chalked it up to Samuel, wanting an up-to-date likeness in case he needed to make a missing person poster. While that thought might still hold some weight, she now knew that he also wanted the picture to bring here as some sort of... Closure? Proof? to have a part of her here so they could be a family since she refused to come? She wasn't exactly sure of her brother's motives.

In the long run, the reason didn't matter. Bella felt betrayed by this, causing ire to rise in her. These two didn't deserve to know anything about her while they were dead and couldn't see the photographs. It was the meaning behind the gesture and that others might come to believe that she had forgiven them for what they had done by leaving a piece of herself with these two women who had helped sire her.

In reality, Bella was far from at peace with it. They didn't deserve such a personal token of affection. One had tried to take her life before she knew what life was, leaving her to an abusive father. The other had signed her away to strangers without even bothering to give her the courtesy of saying hello or goodbye.

Bella knew she was young, but she still felt she deserved to know what made her not even good enough to have a reason. A letter, a verbal passed-on message, and any goddamn explanation on why she had been abandoned!

As she glared at the photos, she felt her grip tighten, and her heart beat faster from the resentment she carried at being left. To Bella, the least she thought she deserved was a reason why. In her mind, if you must go, tell someone why because knowing that you were not worth an explanation is the only thing more painful than being abandoned.

While Manny might have hurt her and caused her so much grief, at least he gave her that; he gave her with his dying breath exactly where to go and why. It was a cryptic message in which he claimed it was for her protection, but at least he gave her some guidance and closure.

It was more than she could say she ever got from anyone in this tribe or her family. Even though her father gave her no words of why he never returned, none were needed. His actions spoke enough. Looking back, Bella felt her chest tighten as she remembered for a moment what it felt like to believe so profoundly in someone like she did in her big brother, back when they lived in that hobble with their neglectful father.

Only for that belief and faith to be ripped out from under her with nothing, not even a backward glance after ripping out her heart as a look of indifference played out on his face as he spoke those cruel words.

At one time in her life, Bella never believed that she and Samuel would have anything come between them, let alone a valley the size of the Grand Canyon dividing them. However, that was before he left her there broken in that hospital.

She never thought about bridging the gap between them after all the pain inflicted and festered for many years.

Then, just when Bella allowed herself to see in that grey area by taking Old Quil's words to heart, she took that step forward with her brother by laying the first plank to a possible bridge between them that fell apart. A canyon now divided them, growing wider after his hurtful words and how he looked at her as if she was nothing but a criminal. Those eyes haunted her; she knew it all too well, but on a slightly different face, it was the look their father gave her right before he began to take his hate out as his contempt stared down at her.

Suddenly, her body began to quiver under the misting rain, causing the photograph to fall from her hands as her shoulders slumped in defeat. She knew how to put up a wall and wear a mask in front of others. She didn't know how else to protect herself. She taught herself years ago that she didn't need anyone and was just fine by herself, but deep down. Bella knew she had been lying to herself; Manny showed her that.

She was no different from anyone else because no matter how much you try to make yourself believe you don't need anyone, the truth is you want to matter and be loved by someone.

Bella could feel the warm streaks coming faster down her face as her tears had once again started to flow without restraint down her cheeks, as she realized even if deep down she wanted to be loved when it came to her and these two women lying before her, her brother, hell to this whole tribe she would never be good enough to wanted or loved by them.

At that moment, Bella's fingers dug into the thick grass as the tears became sobs at the truth that lay before her that she would never have that love and acceptance she deep down was looking for and that she needed to stop showing weakness there was no grey area, she needed to become like the marble stones before her to protect her shattered hope and heart.

I hope this chapter didn't disappoint. Lastly, please take a moment and review. Each one is very much appreciated; however, as always, flames are not.

Thank you all for reading and your support.