20th December 2017

Why do eating disorders scream louder at this time of year?

The last couple of months have been emotionally draining. Jade and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship to be completely honest. I can't remember the last time we spent any time together without arguing.

Jade is struggling - more than usual - and I'm not home as much as I normally am because of work commitments. Both these things are driving a wedge in our ordinarily amazing relationship. Our communication is awful and neither of us are giving the other what we need.

And a year or two ago, I never would have imagined we'd be back here.

She seems to be stuck in this cycle of restricting to the extreme, losing a scary amount of weight and then suddenly binging, purging, binging, purging until she ends up in the hospital.

I've asked her a million times to stop lying to me and just tell me if it's getting bad again. But for some reason, she still feels the need to hide it from me.

She's still in college - somehow - but I don't think she's actually attending anymore. She is preoccupied to the point of obsession with food and keeping her weight below a certain number. It terrifies me but she shuts me down if I even attempt to talk to her about any of this.

Because this is her comfort blanket. She is addicted to it and there is no use trying to snatch it away from her because she'll only find a way to get it back.

And she knows she's letting the eating disorder get the better of her but I don't think she knows how to stop it at this point.

Jenn has been keeping me in the loop with everything going on back home. Apparently, Sam snapped and ended up yelling at her to "just eat" last week. Things got nasty and they both said a bunch of hurtful stuff to each other. I tried to talk to her about it but I could tell my words weren't going in. She's just incredibly angry and lashing out at everyone at the moment.

"Oh, why didn't I think of that? Thank you so much Sam!" she snarled when I mentioned the comment her younger brother had made.

I do empathize with Sam. It is so frustrating to sit back and watch her become physically ill and knowing the solution is food. But it is about the least helpful thing you can say to someone with an eating disorder. She can't just snap out of it and everything be okay again. I wish it were that easy.

These last couple of relapses have been harder on the twins than any of the previous ones. I don't think they realized how bad this can get because they were so young when it started and we sheltered them from it as much as we could. But now Sam and Charlie are teenagers, it isn't that simple and everyone seems to be taking things very personally.

Jenn has somehow convinced Jade to spend Christmas at her house again this year, which is a huge relief. I honestly don't know how she did it because she was adamant she was spending the day by herself.

Because Christmas is hard. All holidays are. But for many reasons, Christmas is the worst.

I offered to spend the day together but she insisted I go to my parent's annual gathering. I had a little cry about it once I was alone. I do not want to spend the day apart from her but I know better than to invite her to spend the day with my family who just do not understand.

"What can I do to convince you to come to mine for Christmas day this year?" Jenn asked while they were sitting in Valewood waiting for an appointment.

"Ugh, Jenn," she immediately complained.

"Are you going to your Dad's?"

Jade laughed. "I would rather go get my teeth drilled."

"Then come to my house like you usually do. All the boys are coming."

"No," Jade responded bluntly.

"Give me one good reason why not and I'll leave you alone," Jenn persisted.

Jade scowled. "I'm not a christmas person."

"I'm well aware," Jenn raised an eyebrow, "Still not a good enough reason."

"I'll bring everyone down. I'll make everyone uncomfortable and I'll be a massive burden to you and Mark and everyone else."

"None of that is true," Jenn reassured her.

"No one wants me around, especially not on Christmas day," she insisted.

"Are you talking about Sam?" Jenn asked pointedly. Jade didn't reply.

"He is only fifteen. Don't push him away because he made a couple of insensitive comments," Jenn said softly. "He cares about you. He just wants his sister well again."

"I'm trying," she replied exacerbatedly.

"I know you are. So you'll come over for Christmas then?"

"I will but only if it's on my terms."

"Name your conditions," Jenn folded her arms and listened.

"Being allowed to not eat anything, no one trying to convince me to eat and no one making me feel guilty for not eating," she listed off.

"Okay," Jenn agreed with a nod.

"Okay?" Jade repeated confused. She had obviously been expecting more pushback than that.

"Why would you agree to that?" I interrupted the story in shock. We both knew the consequences of her fasting for that long. Jenn sighed defeatedly.

"The alternative is she stays in her apartment and won't eat anything anyway."

"You still shouldn't let her get away with it," I disagreed.

"Sweetheart," Jenn said delicately. She took a moment to gather her thoughts. "Let me reassure you, I'm not letting her get away with anything."

"I'm going to let her spend the holidays with the twins - because lord knows they need some time with her - and then I'll make a decision on whether to have her sectioned again or not."

My heart sank. Jade appointed Jenn as her power of attorney when she was eighteen so if for any reason she lacks mental capacity, Jenn can make decisions like this for her.

"Are you sure this is the right decision? Taking the choice away from her?" This would be her fourth time being hospitalised for eating disorder treatment and even saying that out loud made the whole thing feel hopeless.

"She hasn't made any significant improvement in day treatment. She isn't drinking the shakes. I am sorry. I know it's not the way you would do this."

I exhaled. It really isn't the way I would do it. I want to believe she can turn this around on her own. Sectioning her takes away any semblance of control she believes she has over her life and sends her on a downward spiral mentally, even if it does force her to gain weight.

"I just feel awful for not being there over the last few weeks," I sighed.

"You can't put your life on hold for Jade," Jenn insisted. "And you know she wouldn't want you to either."

I knew she was right - it doesn't make me feel any less guilty though.

25th December 2017

Jenn called again this evening to let me know how today had fared at the Olivers. They kept all celebrations very lowkey. It had just been a close family. Jenn and Mark, Beck and Kitty, Sam and Charlie, and Jade.

Jade stayed upstairs during dinner and again at supper and no one mentioned it. Everyone there had been firmly warned by Jenn not to draw any attention to the situation and to their credit, all of them tried to act like it was the most normal thing - even though it obviously wasn't.

The main reason Jenn was calling me though was to relay the conversation that happened this evening.

Jenn had received a letter in the mail a couple of days ago from Jade's director of studies inviting her in for a formal meeting with Jade at the college in the new year. Jenn waited until everyone else was occupied to bring it up with her.

'What's this all about?" She held the letter up to Jade curiously.

Jade glanced at the letter and grimaced.

"I'm getting kicked out of college," she revealed, crossing her arms defensively. "They probably just want you there because they're afraid I'll jump off a bridge or something when they tell me."

"Why would they kick you out?" Jenn frowned at her.

Jade shrugged, "probably because I haven't been to class since October." Jenn put the letter aside and sighed exacerbatedly.

"Sweetheart, you worked so hard to get in."

"I know, I'm a fucking failure okay!" she replied, finally allowing herself to get upset.

"You know that's not what I meant," Jenn said softly, gesturing to the seat next to her on the couch. "Come sit down."

For once, Jade did as she was told and sat next to Jenn who put her arm cautiously around her. She's been very hesitant for any of us to touch her lately - even me - but when she didn't immediately shrug her off, she took that as permission to hold her.

"Have you spoken to anyone at Valewood about this? Maybe they could help you apply for a semester deferral or extenuating circumstances?" Jenn suggested softly.

"I'm so far behind it's not even worth it," Jade shook her head. "Ben has been trying to convince me to drop out for weeks. So has my English lecturer. Even Tori doesn't think I should try and fight this. No one thinks I should be there."

"Do you think any of these people might have a point?" Jenn suggested gently. She placed a hand on her arm. "I know, we agreed not to talk about your weight but you are so thin, Jade."

There was a painful pause.

"I wish you hadn't said that!" Jade hissed, balling her fists into her face.

"I'm sorry, I know it triggers you-"

"No, it motivates me! I want to be thin! The fucked up part of me wants me to be thin! And you just validated it!" Angry tears burned her eyes.

Jenn rubbed her back caringly, "I had to say something, love. I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't."

Jade's expression darkened, "well you're not my mother so how about you mind your own fucking business!"

Jenn didn't respond, trying not to take her reaction to heart. A lot of people would have pulled away at this point but Jenn is kinder than most and has the patience of a saint.

Jade closed her eyes. Tears brimming threateningly.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that."

"It's okay," Jenn reassured her. "You're angry and you have a right to be. I am so sorry that this is happening again."

"It's my own fault," Jade shook her head.

"No, it's not," Jenn stroked her hair softly, tucking a strand behind her ear. "This is debilitating. This is life-consuming and isolating. No one would choose this."

Jade looked away and wiped her eyes.

"Why are you pushing Tori away?" Jenn confronted her.

"Because I'm not good enough for her," she replied immediately.

My heart sank hearing that. Had I made her feel that way?

"That's not true, sweetheart. Tori is an extraordinary person but so are you," Jenn reassured her. Jade sank back into the couch and pulled her sweater tightly around herself. Jenn noted how completly swamped she was by it compared to this time last year.

"I don't like seeing you like this-"

"Like what?" Jade scoffed. "A stereotypical anorexic crying over a bowl of cereal? I don't fucking like it either. I hate myself."

"Has Valewood warned you that you're close to needing an NG?" Jenn said seriously. Jade nodded. "And how do you feel about that?"

"Obviously, I don't want that," she wiped her eyes. Jenn placed her palm on her back and looked at her thoughtfully.

"Why don't you move back into your old room? Beck's moved out so it will just be us. We can get you on a good meal plan. Get you back on track?" Jenn suggested

"I can't," her voice sounded far away.

"Why not?"

"I just can't!" She snapped, upset. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry. I just need you to tell me what I can do to help you," Jenn sighed. "What is the worst thing that would happen if you stopped thinking about food and calories and just let yourself eat something because you want to?"

"I would not be able to stop and I would go on an unstoppable binge-purge session until I kill myself," Jade insisted, leaving a painful silence behind her. Jenn was stunned, taking in what she'd just said.

"I bet you regret inviting me now don't you?" Jade said quietly.

"Not even for a second," Jenn assured her sadly. "I'm so glad you're here, Jade. So glad."

The faint tune of a Christmas song played in the background. The jolly soundtrack felt completely unsuitable for the tone of the conversation that had just taken place.

"I miss my mom," Jade said quietly. Jenn swallowed the painful lump that had risen in her own throat.

"Me too, darling."

A couple of minutes later there was a light tap on the living room door and it crept open slowly.

"Can I come in?" Sam stepped nervously into the room. Jenn looked up and wiped her eyes before beckoning him over.

"Of course you can, Sam. We're just having a little cry but it's nothing to worry about," Jenn reassured him. Sam sat down next to them and put his arm protectively around his older sister.

"Love you," he told her softly.

Jade sniffed, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "Love you too,"

26th December 2017

I went over to Jenn's this morning to see Jade. I knew she was still there because Beck messaged me last night after I got off the phone with his mom to tell me he'd hidden her car keys. I sent him a facepalm in response but honestly I was glad he did it. I think she needs to be around family right now, even if she doesn't realise it.

Jenn has kept Jade's room exactly the same even though she hasn't lived there in over a year now. The room is quintessentially Jade. From the art on the walls, the framed old photographs, the large signed poster from the scissoring movie. The room even still smells like her.

Jade was tucked under the covers in the center of the bed when I arrived.

"Hi stranger," I smiled at the sleepy expression on her face when I entered. "Happy Christmas."

"Joy to the world," she replied sarcastically.

"Why are you still in bed?" I asked. It was almost midday and it didn't look like she'd made any attempt at getting up yet.

"I'm being made to stay in this house against my own will so if I want to stay in bed all day I will," she scowled. "Beck is such a dick."

I smiled sympathetically. "Jenn told me you had an emotional night."

"Something like that," she ran a hand through her hair.

"You okay?" I asked worriedly. It was a dumb question given the circumstances and she nodded unconvincingly.

"Uh, I got you a present but it's at mine," she grimaced.

"It's okay, we'll do gifts another day," I sat down on the edge of the bed concernedly. She wasn't meeting my eyes, just looking down at the sheets.

I placed my hand on her cheek and stroked it, tilting her chin up to look at me. Her sad, icy blues finally met mine and I leant in and kissed her.

"Tori," she sighed, once we broke apart. Her eyes were downward cast again. "I think Jenn is going to admit me."

I paused, thinking carefully about how to respond to this.

"I think so too," I took hold of her hand and squeezed it. "She told me you haven't managed anything since you got here."

She didn't answer that but I hadn't expected her to.

"Can you try? For me? Fortisips or something," I pleaded. But I realised quickly that we were way past that point.

"Can you just hold me?" her face crumpled as she broke down. "I'm so done, baby. I'm so done."

I immediately slid in beside her and pulled her head to my chest as she began to cry.

"It's alright. I'm here, I'm here," I assured her through her now audible sobs. "I've got you."

Her body wracked with tears as she sobbed. I'd only seen her cry like this a few times and only when she was either in the depths of anorexia or she was thinking about her mom. I couldn't actually tell what this was.

"Shh, try to calm down," I soothed her. I was sure the entire household would be able to hear this.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this," she stammered, wiping her eyes.

"We're going to get you help," I assured her, "You don't need to do this alone."

We lay like this for a long time. I tried to comfort her but every time I thought she'd stopped crying something would set her off again. I never asked her exactly what she was crying about because I think it was just a bit of everything.

"Give me your hand," I said eventually. She sniffed and put her hand in mine. I placed her palm over my heart and held it there hoping that the steadiness would help her regulate her own. She closed her eyes and took shaky but steady breaths for a couple of minutes.

I think that's when it finally dawned on me where our relationship has been going wrong lately. Jade has enough people in her life worrying about her food intake. Everyone has their opinions and not all of them are correct. What she needs is a partner who will support her without pressuring her to eat more. Jenn has that covered and so does her support team at Valewood. As counterintuitive as it feels, she doesn't need me to be that person too.

"I love you so much," I kissed her cheek, wiping a stray tear from her lashes with my thumb. "You know that right? You're enough. You're more than enough."

"I love you too," she replied tearily.

"And screw college, you don't need them. You're already an incredible writer without a degree."

Jade wiped her eyes and nodded quietly. "Yeah, fuck them."

"You're amazing and beautiful and a fucking fighter and I am so sorry if I ever made you doubt that."

"You didn't," Jade exhaled, reassuring me in a croaky voice. "Thank you for being here."

I rolled my eyes and pecked her on the lips. "Where else would I be?"

We spent another hour or so curled up in bed before I finally convinced her to face the day. She took a shower and put on some makeup and actual clothes and the transformation was dramatic. Its crazy how a couple of small acts of self care can hide so much of the pain and vulnerability of an eating disorder.

We facetimed the Hollywood Arts gang which was so much fun and by the evening, Jade even felt well enough to go downstairs and spend some time with the rest of the family. The look of relief on Jenn's face, when Jade said yes to a cup of her homemade carrot soup was vehement. And for a while, everything felt okay. We were almost a normal family. We were almost an ordinary couple. We were almost happy.