Total Drama: Pahkitew Island: Rebirth, a total drama series fanfic

(AN: Okay, so…it's been way too long, really. It's nice to be back. A lot has happened with me over the intervening years, and this series has taken a long time on the back burner, as it were. I'm doing pretty well for myself – I've got a job that I've excelled at, I have a career path in mind in the field I wish to pursue, and I've got friends, family, and a wonderful partner who's shown me the best parts of myself and has given me the confidence and responsibility to love myself.

There have, however, been some bad spots, but that will be elaborated on at the very end of this season. It involves the next batch of Total Drama fic seasons I had lined up. In short, a friendship ended last year, and I had plans to use their characters for some later Total Drama fic seasons. It was the right thing for them to do in the end – I was not a good person to them, and I did not treat her the way one would treat a friend. I take full responsibility for that and regret my actions deeply. I will not, however, try to ask them for usage of their characters for what I had planned – what's done is done and I don't wish to re-open old wounds by asking them for said permission. I should have something a little more streamlined as a result anyhow – it should work out in the end. Especially since we've got a brand new cast of a certain 16 competitors that I definitely want to put my own spin on now…

Regardless, you're not here to hear me ramble about what was and vestiges of the past anyhow. You're here to read Total Drama Pahkitew Island: Rebirth. So, with that said, on with the show.

Last bit of note – this season should be structured quite differently from my other seasons. I have every intention to tone down the more graphic and violent aspects of the past seasons, especially Season 3. Re-reading all of that really gave me pause.

Also, as I go along, I'll be giving my thoughts on the canon Pahkitew Island as a season, my thoughts on each character in canon as their Rebirth counterpart gets eliminated, the works. Part of the reason this took so long to release was that this is, objectively, one of the worst Total Drama seasons, in my honest opinion. People say All-Stars is bad, and I concur it is, but most of the characters on that season had solid launchpads to work with and mold into new pastiches of themselves [notice I said most…Sam.] Rewriting the first several seasons of Total Drama for the Rebirth series was simple – the characters were interesting, flexible, and easy enough to extract more depth out of. These bunch of 14…are not. They're one-note caricatures who lean on their gimmicks more than any other Total Drama season out there. I remember in my Total Drama Island: Rebirth fic that I was hoping Rodney would go far. God, that aged like milk. There's damn good reason I had to create a subplot in Season 3 where Sierra hacked the servers to get her friends onto the season [Max, Leonard, Beardo, etc.] – there's a zero percent chance they'd get on the show in this universe unless they were plants made to make certain characters go further. As for those who aren't stereotypes [Dave initially, Jasmine, etc.] they're either offensive as hell or unbelievably boring. I still forget Jasmine's a contestant sometimes! People say she's the best character of the season, and I can see that on paper, but oh God she just doesn't click with me.

Alright, alright, rant over…I'll go into more detail on the season and such as we go along. On the bright side, I have this season all planned out before I posted the first chapter, so if life gets in the way again, I have a roadmap on where to pick up from where I last left off.

Guys, gals, and non-binary pals, please, enjoy!)

"…you come from where, again?"

"Australia, mate!" A tall, darkly tanned teenager adorned in safari gear grinned over at the stringy man opposite her.

"Really?" he asked. "I wouldn't have guessed!"

"Right as rain!" she replied. "Name's Jasmine, what's yours?"

"Oh! Uh, Dave."

"Charmed!" Jasmine stuck her hand out to shake it. Dave took it, shook it quickly, then recoiled his hand.

"Too firm?" Jasmine asked as Dave wrung his hand out. "I'm sorry, I don't know my own strength sometimes."

"Hehe, no, not at all!" he replied, pulling out some hand sanitizer.

Jasmine raised an eyebrow. "If this has anything to do with the complexion of my skin, I'll—"

"Oh, no, nothing like that! Hehe, it's well…germaphobia." Dave spritzed a copious amount of sanitizer on his hand and slathered it around.

"Ahh, like Ca—"

"Like Cameron, yeah," Dave finished. "I feel bad for the poor guy; he's been all over the news lately."

"Well, yeah, that trial just wrapped up before the season started, didn't it? Shame he didn't win the million last season – would've fixed his issues in a trice!"

"The million is nothing compared to the gentle caress of the truest of all evils!" a voice yelled from next to Dave.

He flinched, upending his sanitizer bottle all over himself. "Hey! I was trying to get myself clean!"

"Clean?" the other person replied, "clean? I, Maximillion von Schnitzel the Third, abhor the idea of cleanliness! Humanity is warped, nay, corrupted by the darkest of all evils!

"That's right, I am talking about the dreaded Frankie Brand Bubble Liquid! Now with 99% less tears."

Jasmine and Dave exchanged glances.

"Do we know you?" Jasmine asked.

"No, but you will," Max replied, rubbing his hands together, hunched over with a maniacal grin on his face, "you all will! Face my overwhelming evi—"

"Cruelty and spite, at our soon-to-be home~
is the reason why you transformed, into this little gnoo-ooooo-OOOOOOO—"

"Gah! My ears!" Dave plugged up his ears and curled himself up into a ball. "Can today get any worse?"

Jasmine looked up at the new face. She was wearing a rather loud ensemble – her raven-colored hair was carefully coiffed and adorned with a pink bow, with a matching-colored skirt and blouse.

"I'm sorry, but you are who, exa-?"

"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Ella~
Getting to know you all, well, that'll be swellaaaaaaaaa~"

"Great, add a singing Whizzney princess to the ever-increasing pile of weirdos—can you cut it out? We don't need a backing track, thank you!" Dave groaned, digging his fingers deeper.

Propped up on an opposite wall, a rather heavy-set teen with a large afro was beatboxing a tune. Next to him were four others: a rather pale-looking boy decked out in a green toque, orange puffer vest, long sleeve sweatshirt, and blue jeans; a boy covered in a dark green traveling cloak, complete with fake beard and a wooden staff; a girl whose flaming red hair was tied back in a bun, dressed in a yellow cardigan and dark blue skirt; and a heavyset girl in a frilly pink crop top and blue jeans several sizes too small. The latter was loudly licking a nearby window.

"Consider me parta the mile high club!" she said, attempting to bite off part of the window, to no avail.

The boy with the toque winced. "Uh, what's your name again?"

"The name's Sugar, that's what muh mawmaw called me when I came outta her cooch chute!" Sugar replied. "She said ah was sweeter'n the last 12 babies she popped outta there!"

The girl with the bun blinked at Sugar's comment about her mother, although her expression didn't change. She looked over at the boy.

"Shawn, was it?"

He nodded. "You're, uh, Scarlett, right?"

"Affirmative. Worry not. Zeppelin travel is one of the safest ways to navigate from one location to another. It only falls short to the practicalities of air travel, cruise lines, and—"

"If I were in charge of transportation, I would perform the mystical power of apparition! Yes, the mystical art of disappearing and re-appearing in front of your eye—WHY are you masticating on my Stick of Smiting?"

Sugar was slobbering all over the LARPer's wooden staff. Scarlett and Shawn stared at her.

"You know you can ask her to stop…right?" Shawn asked him.

"Oh, yes! 'O, Sugar of the Booboo clan, I, the Level 20 Noblest of Noble Mages Leonard the Quick, shall cast the Burst of Banishment! Ha-zzah!"

Lightning crash sounds emanated from a point unknown, and as Leonard placed his stick on the ground, a loud BOOM sound effect played.

"Ah'm comin' for yew, wizaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrddddd…" Sugar called out as she "flew" (which was just overdramatically flailing around and walking slowly backwards) towards the back of the zeppelin before hitting the rear wall with a THUD.

Leonard stared at his staff.

"It worked!"

Shawn and Scarlett exchanged glances, their eyebrows nearly vanishing into their hair.

"Uh—" Shawn started but was interrupted.

"You have been listen-ing to the dul-cet tones of Be-air-do. Stay tuuuuuuuuuuuuuned, to listen, to, the, Side, B."

Shawn, Scarlett, and Leonard looked over at the boy in the afro.

"…Be-air-do?" Shawn asked.

"B-to-the-Buh, to the E, e, e, e-da-e, A-to-the-ayy, R-to-the-ray, D-boom-boop-i-diddly-day, O noooooooo…."

Beardo blinked as he looked at the small crowd who was now staring at him. Even those in the back, including two twins with blonde hair and a large boy with red hair, couldn't help but sneak a peek.

Only two people were not paying him much mind: a boy bedecked in a sweater and cargo pants in colors just like Chris's pounding on the zeppelin walls. The other, a girl in yoga pants and a white tube top with purple midriff, was immersed in her exercises, which consisted of hanging from a bar upside-down with her arms folded.

"One and two and one and two, and one and two, and…" she muttered as she pulled herself up by the legs each rep.

"Yo, Chris? Chris McLean? Are you here? You're missing out on the Topher experience!" the other boy said, still ramming on the walls.

Ella was quietly humming to herself, bobbing her head up and down and tapping her fingers on her leg as it rose and lowered, to a tune that only she knew.

Beardo immediately snapped his eyes shut and made a loud, fake snoring sound. The noise levels on the zeppelin increased to a small murmur.

"Well, he's…a barrel of fun," Dave said.

"Tell me about it—"

"Samey! What have I told you about speaking to the help?!" the other twin cut across her. At first glance, both looked exactly the same, although the one with the glare on her face had a beauty mark on her cheek.

"Ex-cuse me?" Dave was glaring at her. "Sure, my grandparents may have come from abroad, but that's no reason to speak to me like—"

"Guys, guys! Relax!" Jasmine said, throwing her arms out as if to restrain Dave and the other girl. "You're…Amy, right?"

"Well, duh! Signing up for an all-expenses paid trip to the illustrious Camp Wawanakwa to earn a million dollars? How could I not pass up that experience! But mom being mom, she told me to bring Spare-my along! Oh, my gag!"

Samey slumped on her chair. "It's Sammy, but…"

Jasmine frowned at Amy. "Look, I don't know what kind of history you two share, but—"

"Well, good, because it's none of your business!" Amy snapped back at her.

"Um…"

The large boy in back spoke for the first time all flight. He was attempting, unsuccessfully, to curl himself up into a ball.

"Chris? Hey, Chris!" Topher shouted, next to the boy, who flinched. "Are you here?"

"Uh, he's not really here, no," the boy said. "I saw him two years ago; I can tell you, he's not here."

"What?!" Topher clutched the boy's overall straps and leaned in close. "You gotta tell me about him, man! Who are you? Did I see you on a previous season? Did I? Did you?"

"Uh, I'm Rodney," Rodney replied, turning slightly purple as his circulation was cut off. "I was with my brother Scott and my cousin Crimson on Revenge of the Island, remember?"

"Oh, come on! I heard about Chris from fashion camp! Brick McArthur caught me on to him! Didn't like it when I got, well, uh…"

"Obsessed?" Amy snapped at him. "God, like we haven't seen that over the last 5 hours!"

"Speaking of which," Samey interjected, "where exactly are we going?"

"Well, it can't be Wawanakwa, we passed over Muskoka 3 hours ago," Jasmine said. "Shame, I was hopin' to see Mike here. Wily dingo had a personality named Manitoba and, well, it brought back a lot of memories."

"Awww, that's sw—I'm sorry, but can I help you?" Samey began to say, before she stared at Sugar, who was slobbering all over her hair, her upper jaw and teeth clamped on the top of her head.

"Tastes like shampoo!" she said, licking Samey's ear.

"Okay, ew!" she said, recoiling in disgust and shoving Sugar towards Amy.

"HEY!" her twin replied, shoving Sugar towards Rodney, who yelped and fell off his chair, leading both contestants to fall to the floor.

"Ow!" Rodney said, rubbing the back of his head, wincing in pain.

"'n yew taste like the food at Darwin's Food Safari!" Sugar said, munching on Rodney's face.

"Please stop eating me!"

"Can you scrawny kids shut up?!" a voice called from the front of the zeppelin, behind a locked door. "We're gonna be landin' in Pahkitew in fifteen minutes!"

"Oh, we are? Phew!" the woman said, halting her chin-up reps before jumping off the bar and hitting the ground with a thump.

"Right, sorry about that! Needed to do my daily reps to keep up my strength! An Olympian's training never stops! My name's Sky. And yours?"

Scarlett stared at Sky's outstretched hand before taking a few fingers and gingerly shaking it.

Sky frowned. "I'm sorry, did I come off a bit too strong?"

"A little mentally overstimulating, yes," Scarlett replied. "I will acclimate."

"Rrrrright," Sky said, pulling up a stool and sitting across from Scarlett, Shawn, and Leonard, "so…why did you sign up for the show?"

"Do you remember Sierra from last season?" Scarlett said, as if her discomfort from moments ago had never existed.

Sky and Leonard exchanged looks. "Not really, no," she admitted.

"Ah, yes, Sierra of the clan ShutYerYap! She rates highly amongst my circle of companions!" Leonard exclaimed.

"She recommended that I demonstrate my multiple aptitudes on a season of this show. I figured, million dollars or no million dollars, this would be an acceptable showcase – Total Drama is popular worldwide."

"Wait, what do you specialize in?" Shawn leaned his head in. "I heard 'aptitude' 'multiple', and 'million dollars'."

"I excel in mechanical and technological skills," Scarlett continued. "Given the standings of several of our previous seasons finalists, I figured that throwing my hat into the ring would prove most advantageous for my future endeavors."

"Sooooo…you don't want to win the million?"

"It doesn't matter to me either way. Either I win the million and go home satisfied, or I get eliminated but showed the international audience what I'm capable of, as well as demonstrated my unique strategies to the world at large."

Shawn and Sky exchanged glances. "Unique strategies such as…?" the latter said.

"Sierra gave away too much via confessional. I plan to use said confessional as little as possible."

Shawn started slightly. "S-Sorry?" he said. "You what now? How are you going to air out your thoughts?"

Scarlett reached into her pocket and pulled out a small tape recorder. "I'll record my personal thoughts. Due to my social anxieties, airing my grievances in front of a camera to an audience of millions is not my preference."

"Methinks thou needst the Cast of Confidence," Leonard said, gently waving his staff over Scarlett's head. "That is why we're all here!"

"Uh, I'm not here for a confidence boost!" Shawn said, glaring at Leonard.

"Then what are you here for?" Sky asked him.

"I'm here to raise money for my post-apocalyptic dreamscape!"

The other three exchanged looks of abject confusion.

"Uh, Shawn, wh—" Sky asked, but a loud series of sprinting feet and banging on metal interrupted her.

"Chris? Chris? Hey, Chris? Are you in there?!" Topher was now pounding on the door to the cockpit once again.

Chef groaned and turned on his walkie-talkie.

"Chris? Can you get your sorry butt ready? We'll be there in 10!"

Chris's sleep-encrusted eyes snapped open as the walkie-talkie squawked garbled gibberish to him.

He pulled himself from off his desk, wiping the drool that had pooled onto it. He gazed blearily at the newspapers on his left, which were stacked pell-mell and were in danger of falling.

The first headline of the topmost paper read as follows:

WILKINS LAWSUIT COSTS SHOW MILLIONS

Chris McLean, host of the internationally recognized show Total Drama, is facing a new hurdle only weeks before the newest season of his show begins. Judy Wilkins, speaking on behalf of her son, Cameron Corduroy Wilkins, has finalized the settlement of her lawsuit against the show due to the "grievous injuries inflicted on my darling Cammy-Bear" as well as "mental traumatization by exposing him to the harsh realities of the real world before he was ready for it." Cameron, who was a finalist in the third season of the show, was not available for comment. The lawsuit, which amounted to an unprecedented $100 million, was settled by the law firm Fleckmann, Fleckmann, Cohen, and Strauss, whose contributions

The rest of the article was obscured by another headline from another, more colorful, paper dating back to several weeks ago.

CHRIS MCLEAN: CHARMER OR CHEAPSKATE?

Chris McLean is not all he is cracked up to be, writes special correspondent Blaineley Stacy Andrews O'Halloran, especially since the great Wawanakwa debacle last year. Rumor has it that Cameron Wilkins is not the only victim of the heinous destruction of what once was a beloved Muskoka summer retreat!

Our sources indicate that a young woman, Dawn, no last name found, was viciously attacked by a mutated shark that inhabited Wawanakwa's shores. During said finale, her and an unnamed robotic contraption created by the showrunners fought the shark off. The shark, however, was powered by nuclear radiation and created an atomic blast so powerful that the island was nearly completely destroyed. The robot was completely demolished in the incident; Dawn nearly died due to her grievous injuries. Dawn's parents, Maury and Liar, were not available for comment.

Due to the damages as well as the lawsuit created by the exceptionally titillating Judy Wilkins, Chris is now forced to deal with an unprecedented facet of himself: what is a host to do when his newest season is facing the lowest budget of any TV show aimed at the 18-49 demographic? Well, this gal's got the gift of the gab, and she's going to get to the bottom of it! For results of this expedition, see page 5.

One last legible article was on top of the pile; its date only traced back to a few days previously. It was also the most damaged out of the set; the edges were frayed, and an attempt was made to tear the paper completely in two. The day's headline, as well as the ensuing article, were left largely intact.

PAHKITEW PARANOIA? A GLIMPSE INTO CHRIS MCLEAN'S DERANGED PSYCHE

More scintillating discoveries arose earlier today as your roving reporter, Blaineley Stacy Andrews O'Halloran, interviewed people from Chris's present and past, in an effort to glean more insight into the host's demented psyche. Anne Maria Bellafuocco, the runner-up of Revenge of the Island that admirably attempted to lay a brutal beatdown on the boisterous bruiser Beverly "B" Baxter, had this illuminating insight to say:

"Who, Chris McLosuh (sic)? Yeah, he absolutely had the worst [expletive] taste in competituhs (sic) I've evuh (sic) seen! Pure psychopaths, multiple personality delinquents, and an aura-addicted maniac who threatened to murduh (sic) her fellow competituhs! Thank Gawd (sic) I was first out in Season 3! I couldn't takes it no mores (sic)! I took myself outta there, keepin' my dignity intact!" – Anne Maria Bellafuocco

Justin Kahale, head model of The Big Kahuna modeling agency, had this to say:

"Oh, Chris? You're curious about his mental state? He left me to die in a cold, dank cave for over a year! I was lucky to survive on dead rats and maintain my silky complexion once repairs were done to my body! Not to mention that he shattered my lower half in a ruse to boost ratings! My legs, hands, and arms are no longer modellable, McLean!" – Justin Kahale

With these testimonies from these inspiring individuals speaking for themselves, will Chris McLean speak up now, or forever hold his peace? If he chooses to remain silent, we will have no choice but to pursue further legal action. Slandering these two upstanding citizens with baseless accusations of racial slurs and sexual assault, respectively, on your show will not stand!

Chris groaned, meticulously rubbing the sleep crust out of his eyes. He blearily looked over at the paper, running his hand through his bedraggled hair.

"God, it never ends with you, doesn't it?"

He checked his watch. His eyes widened. All thoughts of sleep and his mental fatigue escaped his mind.

"Rrrrrright!"

The scene shifted, and the cameras powered on for the fourth time. Chris was standing in front of it, all smiles. He looked no different than he had in the previous seasons; his hair was glistening with gel and his teeth glittered in the light.

"Welcome, folks, to our newest season of Total Drama! You might be wondering about the change in location! Given that our previous home was, well, demolished, we had to relocate!

"Welcome to Pahkitew Island, set off the Western coast of British Columbia! Completely uninhabited, this is the place where several dangerous wild animals call home! Our 14 newest batch of competitors have to have their wits about them, as it'll be them, their competition, their survival skills, and very little else!

"We're going back to basics this season! With a million at stake and lives on the line, how will our competitors fare? Find out right here, right now, on Total…Drama…Paaaaahkitew Island!"

Cue transitions of camera equipment, such as clapboards, cameras popping out of luggage, the works.

The camera floats through Pahkitew island, weaving its way across Chris, who shoves Topher to the ground, before heading up a hill and into the water below.

The camera transitions to a scene of a random Pahkitew plateau. Ella is singing, while Leonard and Beardo are making noises. Amy and Samey are fighting in the background. Dave, in the middle of the group, has his fingers in his ears and is shaking, teeth clenched.

"Na-na, na-na na-na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-naaaaa!"

As the "na's" sound, the scene transitions to a different, tree-covered, plateau. Max is laughing evilly, while Scarlett passes him. Rodney is just standing around, scratching his head at a random tree that Sugar is licking. Shawn and Jasmine are in trees, the former looking down at Scarlett, one eye squinting at her. Sky, meanwhile, is doing push-ups while doing a handstand.

"I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!"

Cue transition to the moon overhead as the camera zooms into Sky's shirt. Samey and Rodney are sitting at the bonfire, both of them leaning in close, lips puckered, and eyes closed.

They're rudely interrupted, however, by Amy, who's shrieking at Samey and brandishing a pocketknife. Both competitors shriek (one in anger, one in fear) and bolt the scene.

"I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famoussssss!"

Cue whistling from the rest of the competitors as the camera pans back and reveals the title of this season: Total Drama Pahkitew Island.

Episode 1: All New, Pahkitew!

The cameras cut back to Chris, who was grinning.

"Alright, folks, we're back! In just a few short minutes, our zeppelin holding our 14 competitors will be arriving! Let's take this time to see what the immediate features of this island are, as well as anything that may have survived Wawanakwa's destruction…Blaineley."

He shook his head as if shaking a bothersome flea.

"Sorry about that! Surviving from Wawanakwa is our trusty confessional cam! Back and better than ever!"

The reliable confessional had seen better days. The frame was cracking in key spots and the wood was warped and waterlogged. The door hung on what remained of the rusty hinges, and the lock no longer worked.

"Yup, that's the big one! And, uh, well…there's, uh…wildlife!"

A bird fluttered down onto a nearby birch tree. It tweeted gently.

"And, uh…"

Chris pulled up the walkie-talkie and yelled into it.

"Hey, Chef? Are you almost here?!"

"Jus' about! Alright, we're just about at Pahkitew Island! We can't get a boat to the shore as the water nearby is unbelievably choppy! Once I lower the zeppelin to our assigned departure height, I'll lower a ladder down and you'll meet Chris!"

"Finally! A chance to bring my evil machinations to the fore!" Max shouted, cackling manically before devolving into a fit of hacking and coughing.

"Wait, Chris? Did you say Chris?!" Topher shouted, pressing hard on a door leading to the outside.

"Can't you keep it down for 30 seconds?!" Chef said. The other 13 competitors jolted slightly; the zeppelin was getting lower and lower in the sky.

"Chris…Mc…Lean…is…my…hero!" Topher repeated, slamming his shoulder into the door with each syllable. With each attempt, the door bulged out further and further, and small rivulets of air escaped to the outside.

"Now, I want you to form a nice, orderly line once the ladder has lowered! Chris had an idea to choose teams, but we had to talk him out of it! We don't even have enough parachutes for that!"

Shawn's eyes turned into pinpricks. "Wait, what?! We're all gonna die! I gotta get outta here! This is a deathtrap waiting to happ-"

WHAM.

Topher's final assault on the door had proven successful – he was falling, falling, down to the ground right next to Chris.

"Ah, and here comes our first contestant now, way ahead of sch—" Chris started to say, before two loud slams cut the rest of his speech short.

The zeppelin door thudded hard to the ground behind Chris, causing him to wince, while Topher himself was easily 10 feet deep in the rocky beach in front.

"Aaaand here's our first contestant, Topher!" Chris said, as a rope ladder lowered next to him.

"Next, we have Sky…"

Sky was quickly rappelling down the ladder, using her hands to brace herself against the sides as she smoothly slid down.

"Pleasure to be here, Chris!" she said, landing hard on the ground with a thud next to him. She casually blew on her hands.

"No rope burns! Best time!"

"Glad to hear it! Next, we have…Scarlett, Shawn…"

Scarlett was slowly lowering herself down the ladder, closely followed by Shawn.

"Good afternoon, Chris McLean," Scarlett said, holding her hand out to shake. "It is an honor to be in your presence. Sierra has told me much about you."

Chris grimaced; the memories of seasons past flashed before his eyes.

"Uh, yeah, cool," he said, gingerly shaking Scarlett's hand back. "Just don't be anywhere near as clingy or annoying as her and we'll get along fine."

"Affirmative. I'm already beginning my endeavor by limiting my use of the traditional Total Drama confessional. Airing too many grievances on live television can easily change your popularity outside of the show. I'd much rather I stay incognito."

Chris raised an eyebrow. "Oh…kay…wait, where is Shawn?"

Shawn was rapidly digging a hole into the bedrock. "Yeah, no way, no how! I'm not sticking around just to become another statistic!"

"…uh…" Chris groaned, before he covered his face with his hands.

"Shawn is performing the Ritual of Safety! Roll for fortitude check…aaaaand…a nat 20! Shawn's endeavors will prove to be most successful!" Leonard said, rolling a 20-sided die as soon as he touched solid ground.

"This is gonna be a looooong season…" Chris groaned. His face soon brightened up.

"Ah, good! Jasmine, Dave! Pleased to meet you!"

"G'day, cap'n!" Jasmine said, gripping Chris's hand firmly and shaking it.

"Howdy, Jasmine!" Chris replied, grinning up at her. "How's Canada treatin' ya?"

"Well, it's rather cold, considering," Jasmine replied. "Considering where I came from, well…"

"Makes sense," Dave said, also shaking Chris's hand. "Some of us just aren't built for the Canadian outdoors, huh?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

Beardo's monotone sounded as he fell from the zeppelin before getting tangled up in the rungs of the rope ladder.

"Oh, no, I have been, thwart-ed byyyyyyyyy…my greatest-enemyyyyyyyyy…Ladder-maaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn…"

"Oh Be-air-do, don't despair-oh,
Ella's here to free you from your lair-oh!
The birds tweet softly, their wings flap gently,
yet their beaks, they cannot compaaaaaare-oh!"

Ella gently landed on Chris's other side, aided by several twittering birds. They were holding her up by the trusses of her skirt, as well as the shoulders of her blouse. Several others were pecking through the rope ladder in an attempt to free Beardo.

Chris rubbed the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Gah…okay! Next up is Amy, Samey, Rodney, and—"

"Ew, Samey! You handle that circus freakshow!"

A loud shriek emanated from above as one of the twins was forcefully shoved out of the zeppelin.

Samey screamed as she got herself wrapped up in the rungs of the ladder, finally ending up tangled just above Beardo.

"Oh, come on! You were supposed to free him and get out of my hair!"

Samey sighed. Jasmine looked up at her.

"Right, you've got to start standing up to your sister, Sammy…"

Samey immediately perked her head up and stared at Jasmine. "You think so?"

"Best way to wrangle an emu is to deal with it head-on! Grab it by the neck, show 'em their place and—"

"Uh, Jasmine, was it? I think you guys lost the Emu War, didn't you?" Samey said, giggling slightly.

Jasmine's eye twitched, but she said nothing.

"Oh, right! National pride, and all that…" Samey petered off.

"Uh, ex-cuse me? You were supposed to free that useless lump so I wouldn't have to dirty myself! Oh, and no talking to anyone without my permission!" Amy shouted, deliberately trodding on Samey's hands and head as she jumped down from a few rungs above them.

Dave's eyes widened in mild surprise as Amy flipped off Samey's back, avoiding Beardo as she landed on the ground.

"Good, I knew making you my cheerleading guinea pig would come in handy someday!" Amy said, before looking down at Beardo.

"As for you, you need a bath! Are there any radio jingles for bar soap in that beat-up box they call a brain in there?" she scowled at him.

Beardo looked down at the ground, sighing mournfully.

"H-Hey! S-she's, uh…uh…"

Rodney had started his way down the ladder but was glaring down at Amy. His body was, however, trembling slightly.

"Oh, spit it out, farmer boy!" Amy sneered up at him. "God knows we need someone with some form of backbone!"

As soon as Rodney was above Samey and Beardo, he jumped from the ladder to the ground. Due to his large frame, he didn't have far to fall, and his recoil was lesser as a result.

"Here, uh, uhhhhh…let me, uh…" he stammered, bringing up his trembling hands to Samey in an attempt to free her.

"And Beardo is out, with determination and clout,
My friends set him free, now come, follow meeeeeeee~" Ella sang, motioning to Samey.

The birds, just like they did with Beardo, flocked to Samey and started to peck her free. Beardo, freed from his restraints, gingerly felt himself over to see how bad the rope burns were.

"Make way fer Sugar Silooooooooo!" a voice called from above, before loud slurping and chomping noises emanated from the zeppelin and started to carry their way down.

Samey and Rodney yelped as they were slowly rising into the air; the latter had to hold on to the ropy sides and brace his feet on a free rung.

"Alright, that's weird!" he yelled, looking up at Sugar, who was chomping the rope on top. It was in danger of collapsing.

"Nonsense!" she called back, in-between lavish slobbering noises. "Rope's great fer fiber!"

With two snaps, Samey and Rodney screamed as the ladder toppled to the ground.

"Yee-haw!" Sugar shouted as she dove, much like a cannonball, to the hard ground.

Chris, Dave, and Jasmine winced as Sugar slammed into the ground hard. Samey yelped as the ladder was dragged down into the impact crater that Sugar had made.

"Well, I think that's everyone, unless we're missing—" Chris started.

"Excuse me, Chris McLean! You've forgotten about the bane of your existence! The Master of Malice! The—"

"We're rentin' this zeppelin by the hour and now I can't get your luggage down! Shut it!"

With a heave, Chef hurled Max out of the zeppelin, complete with his luggage. He screamed as he flew over the other competitors and crashed, rather painfully, into a distant tree.

"Well, looks like that's ever-oh, there's your luggage!" Chris said, as 12 pieces of luggage of varying sizes dropped from the zeppelin.

Scarlett, in the blink of an eye, reached for her knapsack, twirled it up her arm, and flung it on her back, slipping her other arm through the other strap.

"Ow!"

She looked over at Rodney, who was rubbing the top of his head. His luggage had burst open upon hitting his head; he was attempting to squeeze everything back inside.

"Aw, nuts, I knew I forgot to put away my rubber gloves before coming here! What did I even need these for?"

Jasmine shrugged. "Well, you're that farmer guy from Season 2, yeah? Scott's younger brother? I'd figure you'd have bunches of those lying around for all the trough cleanup you gotta do."

Rodney stared blankly, then his eyes widened slightly.

"Oh, yeah! Dad had this when he went to that pig slop convention years ago! Ah well, I'll give 'em back to him once the season's done. These were his lucky gloves! Thanks, uh…uhhhhhh…"

He stared blankly at Jasmine. His eyes wavered in and out of focus and his body started to tremble again.

"Did you say pigs? They're my favorite!" Ella exclaimed, pulling her pink suitcase closer to her, a radiant smile crossing her face.

"Uhhhhhhhhhh…" Rodney was now starting to sweat.

"Ah, right. Ella, let's give Rodney some space, 'kay?" Jasmine said. "We'll get to know him when he's ready."

Several grunts were heard from the hole in front of Chris.

"Ahhh, finally! Now, Chris, it's time for me to show you the Topher ex—" Topher began to say, before a large piece of luggage hit him on the head.

"Okay!" Chris said, ignoring the screams and thuds coming from the hole in front of him, "Now that that distraction's out of the way, allow me to formally introduce you to your new home for the next two weeks!"

The others not trapped in holes looked around. There were masses of trees, along with gentle rolling hills and plateaus. In addition, there were a few cavernous complexes in the distance.

"Uh, Chris?" Dave said, squinting an eye. "Is it just me, or are there no cabins or anything of the sort here?"

"Nope!" Chris said, waving up at Chef as the zeppelin took off again. "It's just going to be you, the island, and your own abilities put to the mettle in grueling challenges! No immunity idols, no spa hotels, not even a gray card for team immunity!"

Everyone gasped here.

"Well, we still have our trusty confessional!" Chris said, motioning off towards a distant clearing. "Consider it some form of creature comforts!"

Amy: Okay, so I did not sign up to starve, slave, and maim myself for two weeks straight on a crappy island that no one cares about! If I'd have known, I'd have had Sparemy go it alone!

Rodney: Man, I still can't talk to girls, even though I've gotten loads better at talking to people from two years ago. Oh yeah! Scott, if you're watching, your baby bro's going all the way! Yeah!

Sky: Stuck on an island with nothing but our brains and our brawn? This is my competition to lose, easy! I didn't spend years training for the gold to back down now!

"Wait a moment," Dave asked, looking further into the woods, "if there's no cabins, then where do we live?"

"Glad you asked!" Chris said, clapping his hands together. "I was originally gonna have you get shoved out of that zeppelin, give you parachutes, and teams would be determined based on who got what chute, but lawyers and… (he gritted his teeth) …budgetary restrictions…made it impossible!

"So, I figured I'd start off with a simple bonding exercise! You have to build a shelter with anyone you want! First two people to successfully build a shelter with whatever you find strewn around the island earn a special prize at tonight's elimination!

"Note that I said build, Shawn! Holes dug in the ground do not count!"

Shawn popped his head out of the hole he was digging and groaned. "Aw, come on!"

Shawn: Seriously? I can't build my own personal bunker? Just you wait, Chris, once the zombies start taking over in hordes, you'll thank me for thinking ahead!

"So, the two people who came up with the shelter idea will get that special reward, got it?" Chris said, holding up his trusty air horn. "They'll need to be protected from the harsh elements that plague this island as well as several of the dangerous wildlife that call Pahkitew home! Also, if you're struggling to create parts from the flora on this island, there's a stash of parts hidden somewhere around here! Be wary, though! It's extremely well-guarded! Any questions?"

"Yes," said Samey. "Several—"

"Aaaaand…go!"

With a loud blast, a fair chunk of the competitors started running off into the woods. Jasmine and Rodney, however, stayed behind to better assist Samey.

Chris rubbed the bridge of his nose again as he heard Topher and Sugar struggle to climb out of their respective holes. "I said go!"

Topher: Gahd! I can't even spend any quality time with Chris McLean before the freakin' challenge even starts! I'll show you, Chris! Prepare to be tormented!

With several loud grunts and grumbles, Topher finally climbed out of his hole.

"Alright, campers, listen up! This is Topher McBain speaking, and I am ecstatic to announce the new, improved, Topher experience!" Topher said, standing upright, a malicious grin aimed right at the actual host of the show.

Chris raised his eyebrows. "Uh, dude? I said go. You've got a challenge to do!"

"Did someone say challenge?!" came a voice from the other hole.

In a flash, Sugar had sprung out of her hole and was sprinting off into the deepest depths of the woods.

"AH'M COMIN' FER YEWWWWWWWW!" she shrieked.

Sugar: No one, and ah mean no one, better get between me and competition! I'll run y'alls down so I kin take my rightful place at the top! Weeeeew! *She pumps her fist in the air*

"Right, Sammy," Jasmine said, tearing Samey out of the ladder by the weak points made by Ella's birds, "I have an idea for a shelter, and I'd like you to help me."

"Y-you really mean that?" Samey said, looking up at Jasmine, a small smile crossing her face.

"Positive! You've got to start standing out on your own!"

Jasmine clasped Samey's hand and pulled her upright.

"Hey, uh…can I come, too?"

Jasmine stared at Rodney, who was standing there, twiddling his thumbs.

"I mean, fine. The more the merrier, right?"

Jasmine: Anything to help Sammy get out of her shell and stop living in her sister's shadow, yeah? As for Rodney, strength is as strength does. Buildin' a shelter's gonna be a snap!

Click.

"Scarlett's Log. Day 1. Will attempt to regularly update. However, the sights, sounds, and smells of dangerous flora and fauna may lead me to mentally lapse. Will keep posted."

Click.

"Ah, you're performing the Masterful Mumbling of Marveldom! A +3 to your wisdom and intelligence!"

Scarlett started slightly. "Oh, it's you…Leonard, right?"

"The very same, O' Anointed One! Your intricacies intrigue me, and I propose we form a kinship of the mystical arts of my magick moste potente as well as your top-tier knowledge, wisdom, and—"

"So, an alliance in all but name," Scarlett replied. "Those parameters are acceptable."

Leonard blinked at her.

"Huz-zah!"

Leonard: To my fellow detractors at the Dragons and Dungeons Druid Compendium, I have beaten the odds! I have managed to defeat all the odds and speak to a species of the opposite gendeeeeeeeeeeer! *Lightning strikes and crashes sound as he says this*

Beardo: *He's making said lightning strikes/crashing sounds, before making a loud Scooby-Doo wheezy laugh*

Scarlett and Leonard ran along the dirt path leading towards the islands interior.

"Well then, a fork in the road ahead."

They skidded to a stop at the intersection of their path and another path crossing east to west.

"Shall we split?" Scarlett said, motioning towards the caves in the west. "I'll head back the way we came. The true Dragons and Dungeons player craves exploration, am I correct?"

"Marvelous!" Leonard said, digging into one of his pockets. He pulled out a small apparatus that looked like a firecracker.

"Voila! My greatest creation!"

Leonard: My patented Magick Moste Magnificent! The Bombastic Burst of Blindness! Creates a flash so bright, it causes a 1-turn Blind effect! Only 5 Canadian dollars, offers limited 1 per customer. Huz-zah! *He flings his arms up in the air, spilling two or three Bursts of Blindness on the confessional floor*

Shawn: *He makes to sit down on the confessional toilet but slips on a Burst of Blindness and nearly breaks the back wall with his head* OW! Dang it…huh? *He looks down at the floor, picks up a Burst of Blindness, and reads the label* "Fiery Steve's Firecracker Fiesta?" Hahahahahahaha! Everyone knows these are duds! Everyone!

"Perfect, a flare," Scarlett said, taking one. "If one of us finds the pile, we'll signal the other."

Grinning, Leonard nodded. "I shall see you posthaste, 'o fair lady!"

Scarlett casually walked off towards the east, where they had started, while Leonard sprinted westwards towards the distant caves.

Shortly after, Sky skidded to a halt at the fork.

"Rrrright," she said to herself, peering at both paths and the competitors walking down them, "if I were a pile of materials, which way would I go?"

"Hey…" a voice panted from behind her, "whichever answer you come up with…mind sharing it with me?"

"Oh!" Sky wheeled around to see Dave, hands braced on his knees, catching his breath. "…Dave, right?"

"Yeah! I'm glad you remembered!"

"Sure! Tell you what, let's work together! One who performed the most work on the shelter takes the credit!"

"Okay, but, uh, do you know which way we're going?"

Sky looked at the trees.

"Give me a sec."

In what seemed like no time flat, she was flipping, slipping, and hopping from tree branch to tree branch. Before long, she had reached the topmost branch, scanning the area.

"Okaaaaaay…there! Left path, but midway through, we start heading north!"

"Alright!" Dave said as Sky slid down the trunk with a loud squealing noise.

Sky joined up with Dave as they sprinted down the left-hand path.

"Listen, I'll meet up with you there, alright?" she said, slowly moving on ahead from Dave. "This is good cardio!"

"Uh…sure?"

Dave sighed as Sky slowly drew further and further ahead, leading towards Leonard.

"Of course, they would."

Dave: Always picked last for gym class, always passed over for dating opportunities. Just another day in the life of Dave Simpson. *He gives an exasperated sigh and looks mournfully down at the ground*

Ella, for her part, was skipping merrily down the same path before hitting the same fork.

"Right or left, oh which way is best,

Leftwards I can see more birds in their nests,

Rightward, ho, takes me back from whence I came,

So left-bound it is, and I shall take no blaaaaaaame!"

From behind Ella, several screams, grunts, groans, and thuds sounded as Max toppled from his tree, hitting every branch along the way, before hitting the ground.

"Accursed plant of the genus Pinus! I will have my revenge! From Hell's heart, I stab at thee!" he groaned, before standing up and glaring at Ella from behind.

She looked behind her and gave him a wave. "Oh, my dearest little garden gnome! I do hope we meet again someday!"

Ella continued on down the left-side path, humming sweetly. Several small birds and squirrels came closer to see what the commotion was.

"Gah, singing! The most heinous evil of them all!" Max groaned, covering his ears as he turned immediately to the right upon reaching the fork. "And I am not a 'garden gnome!'"

Max: If these babbling buffoons desire to break my spirit, then nay, nay, I say! They have another thing coming! They will rue the day they crossed paths with I, Maximillion Von Schni-*the camera cuts him off*

A series of loud squelching sounds emanated from the path, followed by grunts and groans.

"Hey, Bee..uh…whatever your name was, you can cut the clown act and give me a hand here, can't you?" Shawn said, his arms laden with dirt and mud. "Just because I can't build an underground bunker doesn't mean I can't build a bunker, period, right?"

Beardo shrugged his shoulders, complete with a stock confused sound effect.

"Right…right…should've known. Look, how about this: You go that way, I'll head back towards those caves. A little redecorating and I've got it in the bag!"

Beardo shot Shawn a thumbs-up sign, complete with a loud DING! He hurried off towards the left, while Shawn went to the right.

Shawn: Ah, the piece de resistance to any apocalyptic survivalist's checklist: the nature-made bunker! No effort required, just set up your top-of-the-line weaponry, get settled, and boom! Free meals, no zombie attacks, all you gotta do is clean up your waste!

"Uh, Sky? Any sign of the junk pile?"

"Not yet! Maybe if I got just a bit high—"

CRASH.

A loud noise sounded from behind them, followed by several squeaks, screeches, and crunching sounds.

"AH'M COMIN' FOR YEW, TREE!"

Dave gulped and looked back. In the distance, he saw several trees falling over on their sides as an unstoppable force propelled their way forwards.

"Here comes the Sugar Train! Woo! Woooooo! Chug-chug-chug-chug-chug…"

"Sky? We need to find a way forward!"

"Not now, Dave! I think I can see the pile!"

"That's the spirit, Sky!" a nearby voice sounded.

Several small thuds sounded from Dave and Sky's right. Jasmine, who had taken the initiative, was clambering and climbing up another tree.

"…Rrrrright! Dead ahead! There's your junk pile!" she said, folding her arms and giving a triumphant smile.

"Really? You didn't have to do that for me-I mean, us!" Sky said, leaning back against the top of her own tree.

Jasmine gave Sky a small frown from the top of her own tree. "You…are teamed up with Dave down there, yeah?"

"Right…"

"Look, if you're worried about him holdin' you back, don't. Everyone's got that spark in them somewhere, you just got to find it."

"Well, her spark is getting on my nerves!" a voice from below yelled out.

"Uhhhhhhhhh…"

"…and he's sweating like a pig! GROSS!"

With a small impact sound and an "Ow!" from below, Sky recognized Amy and Rodney's voices at last.

"Okay! So, I appreciate the pep talk, uh, Jasmine?"

"You got it! Now, to the junk pile, team!"

The only sounds Jasmine got in reply were the rustle of branches, the thuds in the distance, and soft whimpers.

"Well, looks like you need to get a little spark going down there!" Sky said, barely able to conceal her snort of laughter.

Jasmine looked down at the scene, eyes narrowing slightly. Rodney was shaking like a leaf as Amy glared at him, Samey, who was bringing up the rear, was silent as a statue, staring vacantly into space.

Jasmine closed her eyes and exhaled deeply through her nose.

Jasmine: If Sky thinks I can't manage, I'll show her a thing or two! First things first, get Sammy and Rodney out of their shells! Farm guy needs a friend and Sammy needs to stand on her own.

With a final somersault off the lowest-hanging branch, Sky hit the ground with a flourish.

"Come on, Dave! Let's get going!"

"Sky, wai—"

Too late, Sky had grabbed Dave's wrist and began sprinting off, dragging him through the underbrush and fauna as they made a beeline for the junk pile. Jasmine gazed at the duo as she made her way to the ground, too.

"So, Rodney, what do you reckon? Are you up for following them, or would you rather—"

"Oh, looks like our fantastic foursome is fearing the ferocious freak from fifty feet afa—"

"Hey, Topher!"

Topher, who had just arrived on the scene, was roughly shoved to the ground by Chris.

"Don't you know that you're a contestant on this show who's supposed to be doing a challenge?!" he snapped, stomping his foot in indignation at every enunciation.

"Ooh, and looks like the wanna-be host-to-be is losing his temper at the dashing young ro—"

"I AM NOT A WANNA BE!"

"…Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug…WOO WOO!"

Chris clamped his hands over his ears as Sugar shrieked her "whistle" to the group at large. Amy shrieked and hid behind Rodney as shards of pulp and bark were showered over them. Chris threw his hands over his face to protect himself from the shrapnel.

"Okay, okay, yeesh! Ruin that moment, why don't you?" Chris said, lowering his hands and glaring at Sugar.

"However…I think I've got a job for you, oh, yes I do!"

Chris pointed down at Topher, whose pupils had shrunk to the size of pins.

"Go look after this pain in my rear, please! I need to host the challenge and Chef's performing his sacred duties!"

"Did you say DEW-DY?!" Sugar's keening wail caused everyone to cover their ears. Jasmine twitched her head in Samey's direction.

"Psst! Let's get going!" she said, gently tugging Rodney's shirt sleeve with one of her hands.

With a slight nod, Samey stiffly marched up towards Jasmine. Rodney, for his part, half-walked, half-staggered away after them. Amy, gripping tightly to Rodney's overall straps and effectively glued to his back, brought up the rear.

Amy: Ugh! I know he reeks to high hell, but if I want to get further in, I need an ally! And that ogre is my ticket to get further in this game!

Shawn winced in pain as several lilting notes sounded throughout the woods.

"Roooock-a-bye-baaaaaaby, Sugar Silo's yer maaaaaaaaw…"

"Remind me to never buy any record deal from her," he groaned, looking around the immediate area.

Several cave entrances lay strewn in front of him. One cave in particular had a set of fresh footprints leading towards the entrance. Despite this, however, the only objects of note were some scattered rocks and debris lining the inside.

"Hello? Anybody home?" Shawn called, slowly making his way in. "I warn you-I'm armed!"

"Ex-cuse me, peasant, but you are intruding upon my evil lair!"

With several shrieks and the flapping flurry of wings, Shawn bolted out of the cave as Max appeared, accompanied by a cacophony of bats.

"Gah! Why did you do that?!"

"Oh, you're not her. I see."

"'Not her' what?"

"The cruel mistress of fate, Scarlett, made her way to these very caves! I was hot on her pursuit, yet when I arrived here, she disappeared! Vanished! Vamoosed! Such powers need to be thwarted by the ultimate of all evils!"

"Yeah? Well, this cave's the best spot to set up shop, pal! I can fortify the entrances, easy, and no one, and I mean no one, will make their way in here!"

"Tough noogies! Find your own evil lair, uh…Larry!"

"Are you serious?! My name is Shawn!"

"That's exactly what the evilest of Larry's would say, Larry!"

"Gaaaaaaaah! Fine! I'll find my own shelter! And guess what? It'll be better than yours, Minimum!"

"Ex-cuse me?! My name is Maximillion Von—"

But Shawn had stormed off; the mud he was previously holding had fallen to the ground and covered Max's sweatpants in gunk.

Shawn: Aagh! These freaks are going to drive me nuts this season!

Chef was sitting atop a large cannon; the tank was filled with gigantic tennis balls. He grumbled as the wind rustled in the nearby trees.

"Christ, Chris, you couldn' make this any more difficult for these kids? It's been nearly an hour 'n—"

A chorus of tweets, chirps, and singing filled the air, as a slim figure flew up in the air, complete with a series of wings lining their figure.

"What th—"

Ella, not one to be perturbed, daintily fluttered onto the top of a nearby tree, aided by her feathered companions.

"Oh, hello, Mr. Hatchet! I do hope that outside help is acceptable!"

"Uh, wh—"

But Chef's query was interrupted by a loud screaming noise, interspersed with standard slow-motion sound effects.

Chef watched, mouth agape, as Beardo slowly entered the clearing through the underbrush, his eyes narrowed and his afro blowing overdramatically in the breeze.

Chef rubbed the bridge of his nose "Right…this is gonn' be a long season…"

He aimed his cannon at Ella, who had taken flight again, and started opening fire.

"My flight impeded, oh dear me indeed,

It's a dangerous game, a moth to its flame!

But we will beat all, we will never fall,

Unless Chef gives up, we will stand taaaa—"

POW! POW! POW!

Each massive tennis ball hit their mark. The first one smashed into Ella's left shoulder, the second one caught one of her Juliet sleeves, knocking several birds off, while the third one landed dead center in her stomach.

Ella wheezed as the breath was knocked out of her. The birds, for their part, could not support her weight any further. With a tearing of fabric, Ella fell from their clutched grasp, careening towards the ground.

"Nooooooooo…"

With a slow-motion scream, Beardo overdramatically dove forward, slowly sliding…sliding…sliding…until he caught Ella in his outstretched arms.

"Phew!" he said, exhaling slightly.

POW POW POW POW POW!

The next salvo of tennis balls each smashed into Beardo's face, hard. He groaned softly before his face slammed into the ground.

"Oh, my hero, you saved me!" Ella lilted, having caught her breath once again. She gently patted Beardo's afro and got back onto her feet. She looked over the assorted materials carefully, before her eyes lit up and she gasped in delight.

"Oh, no you don't! Without your l'il critters here to save you, you ain't gettin' anywhere near here!" Chef yelled, firing off shot after shot after shot at her.

With a twirl, a cartwheel, and a somersault toward the pile, Ella effortlessly dodged them all, before picking up a bucket of glitter, which was perched atop some wood planks.

"I've got you~!" she cooed.

Ella: Years and years of ballet training have finally paid off! *She stands from the toilet and gets on her tiptoes, before bending her knees to a rhythmic beat* You dip and twirl and dip and twist and dip and- *she gets cut off*

"When all hope seems lost, when backs have met the Walls of Wailing Worry, then I, Leonard the Lionhearted, shall step up to the plate and—AAGH OW UGH!"

Leonard had stepped out from a path further inland and was brandishing his stick in an effort to thwart Chef's offense. Chef, who was quick as a flash, pelted Leonard with another cascade of tennis balls. Leonard groaned and fell to the ground, clutching his groin and curling into the fetal position.

"Avenge me, o' Beast Slayer!" he cried at Ella, who was merrily skipping back to Beardo, her glitter bucket sparkling in the sunlight.

"My hero, don't you think that this glitter will make an amazing addition to our Pretty Pink Princess Castle Playset?"

Beardo lifted his head from the ground, making twittering and tweeting sounds as his eyes drifted in and out of focus.

"Oh, I am glad we are in agreement, my prince! Ahem!"

With a curtsy and another twirl, Ella burst out into song for all to hear,

"A home is a home, and a house is a house,

This isn't a dress, it's just a skirt and a blouse,

With this glitter bucket, we shall succeeeeeeed,

And may the other thirteen competitors take heeeeeeeeed!"

Ella finished on a high note, a note so high and piercing that it caused Chef's gun to begin sparking and the tank to shatter.

"What is this chick?!" he fumed, as Leonard struggled to his feet.

"Huz-zah! With the Foul Fiend of Fear vanquished, I, Leonard the Magnificent, shall finally begin my ULTIMATE VICTORY!"

A series of noises, screams, and the felling of trees immediately started behind them. Ella jumped and gave a small shriek, while Chef's eyes widened.

"What th—"

"Get her away from me! Get her away from me!"

Sugar's head was rotated 180 degrees as she walked backwards towards the group, gnawing through more trees as she went. Clutched tightly behind her was Topher, who was struggling to free himself.

"She…is…a…demon!" he wailed, as a series of footsteps sounded behind them.

Jasmine, Rodney, Dave (who was rather battered, cut, and bruised), Sky, and Samey arrived in the clearing, having followed Sugar's wanton path of destruction. With a small thud, Amy had detached herself from Rodney.

"Oh good, I'm glad someone was able to stop that fleabag! Sparemy, go fetch me some materials, stat!"

Samey stared at the pile, gulping slightly. Her forehead began to line with sweat.

"Uh, now please! I'm not getting any younger here, and considering I'm 20 minutes older than you, that's saying something!" Amy continued, snapping her fingers in front of Samey's face.

"Hey, lay off her!" Jasmine snapped, gently pushing Samey off to the side.

"Listen," Jasmine whispered in her ear, "I've got the perfect plan. Fetch me that hammer, some nails, and bedsheets."

She stood upright to her fullest height. "Right, farm boy, you're taking on the heavier materials! I'll need as many wood planks as you can carry, as well as a wheelbarrow to hold them all in!"

Rodney said nothing, but made a sloppy saluting motion with his hand, hitting his forehead harder than usual.

"…Scarlett's Log. Day 1. Part 3. This island has far exceeded my expectations. Flora and fauna have proven to be a major impediment to succeeding. Must thank Sierra for recommending me for this season. Furthermore, must thank whoever enunciated at an increased volume – they served as a beacon which led me here."

From the west, Scarlett casually walked in, stared blankly at the scene, then curtly nodded.

"Yes, this appears to be the spot that Chris previously mentioned. Ah, Leonard, Ye of Marvelous Intellect, you have found everything we need for our building materials, I presume?"

"Why, yes! With my magical All-Seeing Eye, I have found everything we need to build our wizard's tower!"

"A what now?" Dave asked, as Leonard sprinted forward. He and Sky stared, slack-jawed, as he gathered rope, a bale of hay, and a small wagon to wheel them away in.

"One moment!" Scarlett chimed in, grabbing several sheets of corrugated steel and adding them to the pile.

Scarlett: It's elementary. One island filled with animals, plants, and an unknown quality of unknowns? We have to make preparations for every possibility. With a tower, that includes fortifications for ground invasion.

"Look, Dave!" Sky said, finally coming to, "we can go with either Scarlett or Jasmine, right?"

"I'm…sorry?"

"I mean, I don't have an idea for the design, and I can't imagine you have one either, right? We were so focused on getting here!"

"Uh, well, I mean…I had a design! Kind of?" Dave's eyes narrowed. "Hey, I can juggle two things at once, you know!"

"Oh, right, right. Sorry!"

Sky: Look, I grew up learning to "rely on no one but yourself if you want to be a true Olympian"! Your body, your mind, your soul – all on the line for the gold! *she sighs, gripping her face with her hands in exasperation* I need to keep this alliance afloat. Dave's the only vote I've got!

"Listen, Jasmine and company have already gotten a huge lead! We need to pick a side!" Sky said, placing a hand on Dave's shoulder. "Please, Dave! We need to help someone!"

Dave stared at Jasmine, Rodney, Samey, and Amy, who were trooping off to a deeper part of the woods, then at Ella, Beardo, Sugar, and Topher (the latter of whom was still trying to free himself from Sugar's grip), and finally, at Leonard and Scarlett, the latter who was searching the pile for more parts.

"Fine. We'll help them," he groaned, pointing at Scarlett. "But only because our other choices have gone."

"Oh, my prince, we won't be stuck here all alone! We have our own team! With our own magical bucket of glitter!" Ella called out to Beardo, who was slowly standing back up again.

THUMP.

"Uh, ma'am?" Topher called from the ground, "you might want to re-visit that approach…"

A horrific sucking sound alerted Ella that her glove was now soaking wet. She looked over and saw Sugar, her jaws and hands clamped around Ella's glitter bucket, sucking up the pink substance into her ravenous maw.

"My glitter!" Ella gasped, tears entering her eyes.

Sugar: What? Yew'd eat that too!

Ella: *She stares mournfully into her bucket* Well, at least it's not a total loss…this bucket can still…hold…my tears! *she then begins melodramatically sobbing into her bucket, which begins to fill with Ella's tears*

"Bad Sugar! Bad, bad!" Ella shrieked, smacking Sugar upside the face with the now-empty bucket, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

With one last overly dramatic sniffle, Ella ran from the clearing, towards Jasmine and company's general direction.

The other three, for their part, stared blankly at the place where Ella had run off to.

"Well…we'll keep an eye on her," Topher murmured, standing up and dusting himself off.

Topher: So, is everyone on this island some shade of freaky? Or am I just plain losing my mind here?

Ella: I have a dog back home! I've had to swat my dear sweet Mr. Fluffybottom's face if he bites me! I can't sing if I have rabies!

Sugar: …Ah'd eat that glitter again. *she burps loudly, sending a pink, glittery cloud out into the confessional*

Sky gazed at where Ella ran off to, a perplexed look on her face.

"She does know that a bucket of glitter isn't going to help much, right?" she mused, before picking up several sheets of corrugated steel and carrying them over to Leonard and Scarlett's wagon.

"There!" she said, dropping them in with a clatter and a clang. "You don't mind, do you? I figured you could use some help."

Scarlett and Leonard exchanged looks. "Do you find her worthy of admission to our group, Leonard?"

Leonard gazed sagely at Sky, then gave a glance at Dave. "And is this noble squire with you?"

"Squire?! I am not—"

"Yes, he's with me," Sky replied, grabbing Dave's shoulder and dragging him closer. "We'll give you a hand if you promise not to vote for us going forward."

"Chris didn't mention that there would be any elimination ceremonies in the immediate future. However, due to the repeated lawsuits served over the past year, I am inclined to believe we will be having an elimination tonight, due to the decreased budget provided." Scarlett replied. "I, for one, will honor this agreement."

Leonard shrugged and nodded in assent. "This is the Zone of Honorability! We shall be forming the Alliance to End All Alliances! Our word is law, and we, we shall say nay to the voting of the fair lady and her diminutive squire!"

Dave groaned and slouched forward. "Rub it in further, why don't you…"

"Speaking of which, we'll need to find you an aloe plant or an equivalent thereof. It appears that you have been dragged through poison ivy."

"Huh?" Dave poked around his face, then quickly started scratching. "Are you serious?!"

Dave: Sky, what were you thinking?!

Sky: Well, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line! Dave should've kept up!

"So, do you think we'll be having teams?" Sky asked, as the four made their way to a clearing near a smaller cluster of caves than what lay on the east side.

Scarlett shrugged. "If my theory is correct," she said, looking around for suitable building materials, "Chris may want to reduce team size this year, to further alleviate overhead cost."

Leonard, who had found a large boulder, began pushing it over towards where Scarlett and the rest were. "'O—nngh!—wise and anointed one, ye with hair as crimson as her mind is vast, elaborate!"

"You've seen in the papers that Chris, as well as the show, has been sued, correct?" Scarlett replied, taking some sheets of metal out of the wagon and stacking them on the ground.

Dave groaned and sighed, flopping on the ground and staring up into the sky. Sky, in the meantime, hurried off towards the caves nearby.

Scarlett stared blankly at Dave. "You…did hear me, correct?"

"Oh, yeah," Dave sighed, rubbing his arms on the ground, groaning in relief. "Oh, sorry, got carried away with the, well, scratching."

"Including ditching your previously mentioned germaphobia in order to obtain immediate relief for Sky's effective manhandling of your person?" Scarlett replied, taking a seat on the stacked sheets and folding her arms across her lap.

"Huh?" Dave finally seemed to come to his senses once again. "Wai-wha-AAAAGH! I'M FILTHY!"

Dave jumped to his feet, screaming and flailing his arms around as he ran in a circle.

"Enough! At Hell's Heart, I stab at thee! Take my Smack of Superior Smiting!"

Leonard, with all his strength, swung his staff at Dave, smacking him squarely in the forehead. With one last groan, Dave collapsed to the ground, twitched slightly, and remained still.

Scarlett's eyes widened as Leonard gazed down at Dave. "I am under the assumption that you intended for that outcome to occur, correct?"

"Uh…" Leonard's forehead began to line with sweat.

Leonard: But-that's impossible! My strength stat is 1! How did I knock him out?!

"Think fast!" a voice called from afar. Scarlett jolted and Leonard yelped as several large rocks were hurled from one of the cave entrances. Dave, meanwhile, had started snoring.

"Okay…okaaaay…there!" Sky said, throwing a final rock on the now-massive pile before hurrying over. She clapped her hands over her mouth, gasping in shock.

"Dave? Dave?! Oh my God! Dave, no!"

Scarlett and Leonard exchanged worried glances.

Scarlett: I, for one, worry about Sky's mental state as the season continues.

Scarlett got off the metal sheets and dragged Dave onto a soft patch of grass. "We'll check on him later. He's still breathing."

"Anyway," she continued, as if the whole incident hadn't happened, "this is just a theory – nothing more – but I believe that Chris wishes for us to build our own teams this season."

"Huh?" Leonard looked at Scarlett from assisting Sky in arranging the large boulders.

"He said two people will be winning this challenge – the first two of us to successfully build a shelter. I intend for our group to be amongst those victors."

"Yeah?" Sky mused, picking up a rock and stacking it atop another. She pointed towards the top of the ever-growing spire, signaling Leonard to climb up and drop the rocks she hoisted up to him.

"Look at it this way: one of us is safe, that gives the four of us better odds at getting ahead. Add in the fact that we're a group of fourteen, and I'd estimate that our chances of survival are at 75 percent or better.

"However," she finished, "there are several unknowns – team selection, and whether other competitors have completed their shelters before we have. That, unfortunately, is outside our control."

Sky silently nodded, and the next several minutes were spent passing stones on the ever-growing tower.

Sky: Scarlett's right. We've got no idea how team selection's going to be this season? We could be randomly picked at Chris's whims and there's nothing we can do about it!

Back at the junk pile, Chef was repeatedly whacking his massive cannon in a futile effort to get it going again. Groaning in defeat, he pulled out a walkie-talkie.

"Uh, Chris? We've got a whole buncha people gettin' supplies from this dump! Where are ya?! If it ain't one thing it's another…" he grumbled, watching as Sugar and Topher rooted through the supplies, the latter picking up several Chris McLean busts.

"I'll be over soon, Chef! Turns out Topher wasn't the only pain in my rear today!"

"Hey!" Topher glared at the walkie-talkie, holding a few more Chris busts in his arms.

"Yeah, he's here. Carry on," Chef replied, as the walkie-talkie turned off.

Chris sighed as he pocketed his walkie-talkie from afar. "What, Max?"

"Chris McLean, I am delighted to inform you that I, Maximillion von Schnitzel the Third—"

"Yes, yes, you have a long, evil name!" Chris groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Get on with it!"

Max pouted for a brief moment before continuing on with his announcement.

"I present to you…my finest creation! My CAVE OF ULTIMATE EVIL!"

Chris stared past Max into the large cave inside. He rolled his eyes as his gaze returned to the diminutive bringer of chaos.

"Uh, yeah, do you remember the part where I said, 'build a shelter'?" he said, folding his arms. "Unless you have the ability to create a cave from scratch, this doesn't count!"

"Fine!" Max snapped, turning away from Chris and petulantly folding his arms himself, "I'll build my lair from scratch! Using the evilest materials known to mankind – Styrofoam!"

Max: Have you heard the noise that Styrofoam makes when you rub one piece against another? Yes, yes, it is deliciously evil!

"Speaking of experts in the craft of building, where's Shawn? Guy disappears for an hour, and you start getting worried!" Chris asked, walking away from the caves.

Shawn, in the meantime, was scampering and climbing amongst the tree branches.

"Come on, come on!" he groaned, leaping to another tree and examining the thickest branch by hopping up and down on it slightly, frowning as he felt it bending under his weight.

"Gah, no, too flexible! Need something sturdier!" he grumbled, before setting off again.

On and on he went, repeating the same small hops every few trees. This continued onwards until—

BAM.

Shawn's face met sturdy planks of wood as he hit the wall of a massive tree house. He screamed as he plummeted down to the ground, grunting with pain as he landed directly on his back.

"Oww…"

"Uh, Jasmine? I think we have a visitor…"

"Ew, it's the zombie freak! Hey, farm-guy! Get him out of here!"

"Uhhhhhh…"

Shawn felt his body being shaken by a surprisingly gentle, yet strong, hand.

"Hey, uh, Shawn, was it? Look, uh, A-Amy wants you to, uh…go away…"

Shawn's eyes flicked wide open, and he jumped to his feet. His eyes darted between Jasmine, Rodney (who was kneeling on the ground, arm outstretched), Amy (who had her arms folded and was glaring at him in sheer disgust), and Samey (who was looking at the ground, dejected). He held up his hands in front of him, palms facing outward as he retreated.

"Okay, okay! Do not hurt me!" he said, pushing his hands in their direction, "I'll leave you alone and I'll do my own thing. Pretend you never saw me."

"Uh, okay, listen," Jasmine said, leaning against the trunk of the tree, which had wooden planks nailed to it to form a ladder, "Shawn? We're not here to hurt you…well, she (she motioned to Amy) might."

Shawn nodded, backing away further, continuing to shift his gaze every which way. His eyes finally fell on the treehouse.

His mouth dropped open and he stopped reversing. "Whoa."

"Yeah, that's what you call a shelter, Max!" Chris said, walking up alongside Shawn with Max following. "Kudos on building it above-ground! It's pretty obvious that we have our first winner!

"Now, which amongst you four—"

"She did it!" Samey said, pointing at Jasmine, whose face flushed a slight shade of red. "It was her idea! If anything, please give the immunity to her!"

"Uh, well, ah—" Jasmine stammered, but Chris absentmindedly waved a hand in the air.

"Say no more! Jasmine receives one of our two special prizes – immunity at tonight's exciting elimination ceremony AND a special surprise that I'll reveal to you tonight!"

Jasmine gasped. Amy dropped to her knees and screamed in anguish.

Amy: That was supposed to be my immunity! Mine!

Jasmine: I was meaning to give my immunity to Sammy, get her spirits up, show she's more capable than she thinks she is, and give her whatever perks come with that! She has to step up if she wants to be taken seriously around here!

Samey: I know what you're thinking: why did I give Jasmine all the credit even though her, Rodney, and I worked together to create that treehouse? Well, if I got immunity, Amy would make my life hell. *she shudders, clutching her arms and staring nervously at the camera* I don't…want that.

Chris pulled out a small remote from his pockets and turned on a dial. A slight squeal of feedback pealed across Pahkitew before his voice sounded out to the group at large. Unlike the loudspeakers of old, however, his voice came through crystal clear.

"Attention, competitors! Jasmine has successfully built a shelter and is the first of two to earn immunity at tonight's elimination!"

Everyone gasped. Back at the tower, Scarlett adjusted her glasses and curtly nodded.

"That's one part of my theory confirmed, at least," she mused. Sky and Leonard exchanged worried looks before the former passed the latter another large rock.

"Okay, that's the last one! Leonard, I'll pass you some rope to keep this together and straw for the roof! Scarlett, what do you intend to do with that metal?"

"You'll see," she replied, a calm smile crossing her face.

Sky: So, the winners of the shelter-building challenge get immunity, huh. But, why two? Is Chris expecting two of us to be leaders of our respective teams? If that's the case, then I've got to get that win!

Chris trooped through the woods, whistling softly as he made his way through Sugar's destructive wake.

"Well, whoever did that's got jaws of steel!" he chuckled. "We'll have to get those re-planted, eh?"

A small series of sniffles nearby alerted him to someone else's presence. Making his way over, he saw Ella, sitting on a fallen tree, tears trickling into her bucket, which was half-full.

"Uh, Ella?"

She looked up at him, a pained expression on her face. "Yes?"

"You do realize you have a challenge to do, right? Build a shelter? Win immunity?"

"But my glitter…"

"Uh-huh…right…glitter."

A rustle of grass and the stereotypical sneaking sound signaled to Chris that they weren't alone.

"El-la?"

Beardo had arrived on the scene, holding his arms behind his back.

Ella looked up at her, a few more tears falling down her cheeks. "Hello, my prince…"

With a sheepish grin, Beardo pulled out a bouquet of wildflowers from behind his back. He gently placed them in the bucket, shooting Ella a thumbs-up as he did so.

Chris groaned and covered his face with his hands in exasperation. "This is gonna be a looooong season…"

The ground beneath them began to rumble. Chris looked around wildly, then gasped in delight.

A large herd of moose were running along the forest path nearby, heading towards the junk pile to the west.

"Ooh, competitors, incoming moose warning! Stay alert and stay alive!" Chris called, running after the horde.

Topher and Sugar, who were still at the pile of junk, screamed as the moose rampaged across the area. They ploughed through the pile, sending random assortments of metal, baby carriages, wood, bricks, and a kitchen sink flying everywhere.

Topher looked up at the retreating moose mass. "Phew! Saved every head!" he said, looking down at the multitude of Chris busts grasped in his arms.

Topher: *he's clutching the Chris busts in his hands* If nothing else, I've emerged victorious! My "Shrine to Chris McLean" just gained several new additions!

Scarlett adjusted her glasses as the ground beneath her began to shake. She was making the final adjustments to Leonard's tower.

"It would appear that we have company."

Sky leapt down from the tower and began dragging Dave's body to a place of safety. Leonard, however, gazed at the incoming moose herd.

His eyes narrowed and he readied his staff.

"'O, ye of the clan of the Murderous Moose, I, Leonard the Victorious, shall smite thee from here I stand! Away! Away with ye!"

He jumped from one of the tower windows and landed with a thud on his feet, slamming the bottom of his staff on the ground in the process.

"You shall not...pass!"

From behind the tower, Scarlett was ready. Using a series of ropes, she angled the sheets of metal just enough that they caught the sun's rays. The sunlight beamed onto the group of moose, blinding them and causing them to scatter.

Leonard wiped his brow and looked around, hands on his hips. He gave a broad smile.

"It worked!"

Leonard: My heart was racing, my mind was filled with spells a-plenty, but my soul said "Leonard! 'O Leonard! May your valor be true and your determination shine bright!" And that's how I drove those moose away! Huz-zah!

"Well, well, well!" a voice came from where the moose once stood. "Looks like we have the winner of our second immunity of the evening!"

Chris came in, beaming broadly and his arms splayed out at the scene before him.

"Leonard! Built yourself a wicked wizard's tower and found yourself a killer defense against the Pahkitew wildlife! Victory well earned!"

Sky's mouth dropped open. "What?!"

Sky: But-I built that! Who gathered the materials? Who constructed the actual shelter, *she begins pounding on the wall with each subsequent word uttered* which-was-the-actual-point-of-the-challenge?! *One of the walls gives way and she screams as she's buried under the confessional as the remains collapse*

"As for the rest of you," Chris said, and his sound echoed across Pahkitew once again, "Jasmine and Leonard are immune, so you're fair game! See you at the elimination ceremony tonight! You don't want to miss it!"

Ella sniffled as Beardo placed a hand on her shoulder.

Elsewhere, Jasmine pulled Samey and Rodney closer as Amy stormed off, fuming.

"Listen," she said, under her breath, "I don't like how Amy was treating any of you today. Especially you, Sammy."

"So, you're saying…"

"We vote her off, yes," Jasmine finished for Samey.

Rodney frowned and gulped.

Rodney: Jasmine wants me to vote for Amy, but Amy will want me to vote for someone else, right? I don't know what to do anymore! Aagh!

Dave's eyes fluttered open as he lay on the soft ground.

"Oh, my head…what happened?"

"You, uh…got knocked out. By…by m—" Sky began but was interrupted.

"It was a foul, treacherous afternoon!" Leonard called out. "The Bombastic Boulders of Balderdash were blasting ballistic ballyhoo on our rogue squadron! You, ah, got hit by one of them."

"Oh. Great." Dave's gaze fell to the ground as his head drooped. "Did we win?"

"He did," Scarlett said, motioning to Leonard, who smiled and nodded. "He has invincibility, along with Jasmine, for being the one responsible for building the shelter. If Chris has anything else planned, we shall find out tonight."

Dave groaned. "So, now what? Are there any people we want to vote for?"

"Iiiii don't know," Sky replied, her cheeks flushing a slight shade of red. "We'll have to talk about it."

"If we were in two teams of seven," Scarlett added, "we'd have the numbers advantage. Sadly, we are only four of fourteen. At this stage, I'd theorize that the rest of us have found one or two others to team up with."

"So, you're suggesting we partner up with another team of three or four?" Sky asked.

"It's possible, but unlikely. They'll most likely have their own strategies formed. I suggest we wait to reconvene at elimination and gauge our competition."

Dave and Sky exchanged looks.

"Hey, uh, look, we'll meet you at elimination. I need to talk with Sky." Dave said.

Scarlett gave him a quizzical look, then motioned to Leonard to head off towards the elimination area.

Leonard: I emerged victorious! The first elimination, however, remains unclear. Unfortunately, my Magical All-Seeing Eye needs three turns to recharge! *He sighs* A travesty.

Dave: Ever since I was on that zeppelin, only one person's name has been on my mind for elimination! Scarlett and Leonard? I don't know what they're thinking, but Sky was my first ally. If I know anything, it's that I can trust her to vote with me.

Sugar: Shoot, ah wanted to vote fer the wizard! He's too powerful fer this here competition! But, of course, he's safe from elimination! Now, who can ah vote fer?!

Jasmine, Samey, and Rodney were heading towards the elimination area, the latter trailing slowly behind the duo.

"Psst! Hey! Farm-guy!"

"Huh-aah!" Rodney was yanked behind a set of bushes, then was roughly forced to the ground.

"I don't know what those two told you, but you have to vote for Spare-my!" Amy hissed at him. "If you don't, I will find out, and I will campaign to get you booted next!"

Rodney's eyes started sparkling as his jaw slackened slightly. "Uh huh…"

"And quit making those goo-goo eyes at me! I am not into you!"

"Uh huh…"

"Ugh! Go on, get out of here!"

Rodney was roughly shoved out of the bush. He shook his head slightly, stared at the backs of Jasmine and Samey, and walked off after them.

Rodney: So, uh, Amy…uh…wants me to vote for her, uh…sister? I dunno why…

Night had fallen on Pahkitew, and the night was speckled with stars. On the highest plateau on the western edge of the island, however, a series of lights illuminated a familiar scene.

The bonfire crackled merrily as Chris stood behind his oil drum, holding a try of 13 marshmallows. Chef stood next to him; arms folded. Next to both of them, however, was a smug-looking Topher, Chris busts still clutched in his arms.

The elimination area, on the other hand, had radically changed compared to what was on Wawanakwa. Several lit tiki torches and festive lights strewn around gave the area a multi-colored glow. Several more torches led down a path nearby towards the water's edge.

The seating arrangements, however, were the most different of all. Some competitors sat on stumps, while others sat on rickety old bleachers seemingly pulled from a junkyard, or a previously torn-apart island. Completing the rather garish ensemble, however, was a logo of a peanut affixed on its front.

Jasmine and Leonard sat on two stumps, a fair distance away from Shawn, Scarlett, Dave, and Sky, who was gently rubbing his back. On the other end of the stumps sat Max, arms still petulantly folded.

Amy (who was glaring at her twin), Samey, and Rodney had taken up spots on the top row of bleachers, while Sugar, Beardo, and Ella (and her flower-and-tear-filled bucket) sat on the bottom row. Beardo, much like Sky, was gently rubbing Ella's back.

"Welcome, one and all, to Pahkitew Island's very first exciting elimination ceremony!" Chris declared to the lot of them. "Liking the new arrangements? Chef and I put quite a bit of effort into making this place feel like home!"

A snort and a sound of muffled laughter sounded from the bleachers. Chris looked over, glaring.

"Yes, Amy?"

"Uh, yeah, this is not what I had in mind when I heard 'reality TV show at a crummy summer camp'! Hello?"

"Hey, Chris, why don't you let someone with a little more 'know-how' with today's youth take the stage? Okay, here we go, kids! Now—"

"CAN IT, TOPHER!" Chris yelled, taking one of the marshmallows and shoving it down Topher's throat. He smirked as Topher fell to his knees, choking and sputtering.

"That's for calling me an 'old washed-up has-been!'" he snapped.

"Uh, Chris? He didn't say that to you…" Rodney said, but a glare from Chris silenced him at once.

"Psst!" Shawn hissed in Scarlett's ear, looking over at Max. "I heard from him over there that you're some kind of 'teleporting mistress of fate' or something. Is this true?"

Scarlett jumped, staring over at Max in surprise. She then raised one of her eyebrows, her expression returning to a blank, quizzical stare.

"Teleportation is a scientific impossibility. Max may have merely seen an illusion, a byproduct of the heat and humidity that inhabit this island. Nothing more."

Shawn looked over at Max. His eyes narrowed slightly before he nodded at Scarlett.

"Well, I know who's got my vote tonight," he said.

Shawn: Dear old "Maximillion" won't know what hit him!

"Ah-hem!" Chris said, silencing the company at once, "before I hand these marshmallows out to you, I gotta give Jasmine and Leonard their rewards!

"You two are going to be captains of your very own teams!"

Everyone in the vicinity gasped. Sky swore under her breath.

"That was supposed to be my immunity!" she seethed.

"Furthermore!' Chris said, ignoring the din, "I'm giving you two some ready-made grub to share! Courtesy of our sponsors at Spoiley's Second-Hand Food Emporium, where One Man's Trash, is Another Man's Tapeworm! Along with your marshmallows tonight! You're safe!"

He tossed Jasmine and Leonard two grease-soaked paper bags, along with two marshmallows from the tray. Leonard's bag smacked him hard in the face with a squelch and his marshmallow fell into his lap. Jasmine, on the other hand, caught both of her rewards with ease.

"Now, all of you – get to voting! We'll begin picking teams after this elimination!" Chris finished, pointing downhill towards the confessional.

As Leonard stood, he noticed Scarlett twitching her head in his general direction, then over at Max. A light bulb seemed to go off in his head.

"Ohhhh!"

From the stands, Sugar's eyes narrowed as she saw this interaction unfold.

Sugar: Of course! Yew remember in that movie with the singing people 'n that yellow road, that magical wizard gave one of them there straw people a brain! That's just the thing that this wizard can do! Ah'm on to you, wizard!

Leonard: Scarlett wanted me to vote for the Gnome of Ignominy! A wise choice! His self-proclaimed "evil" will be brought to justice! Huzzah!

Topher: *With a last sickening gagging sound, his marshmallow shoots out of his throat* Gah, finally! Anyway, I'm voting for the person who ruined my life!

Chris stood in front of the rest of the competitors, 10 marshmallows remaining on his tray.

"Now…those safe with no votes…"

He let his words linger, smiling slightly as some of the competitors faces grew more tense.

"…Rodney…"

He caught his marshmallow, and his worried face changed to one of pleased calm.

"…Shawn…"

Shawn caught his marshmallow and crammed it into his mouth.

"Beardo, Ella…Dave…and Sky."

Beardo caught his in his hands, while Ella's marshmallow flew into her bucket. Her face crumpled once again.

Sky caught her marshmallow, kissing it, while Dave's bounced off his forehead. He slumped forward on his stump, sighing softly.

"Next safe with one vote is…Amy!"

Jasmine gasped. "Sammy!" she yelled, before realizing her mistake too late and clamping her hands over her mouth. "Oop!"

"Next safe with two votes a piece, along with some very interesting submissions here...Scarlett and Samey!"

He flipped over two choice index cards. One of them had, in large, scrawly handwriting, "BECUZ I CAIN'T VOTE 4 WIZURD – RED HAIR LADY". The other card had words upon words upon words of writing, all about how much that Samey ruined their life and their perfect family.

"Yeesh, can't you just keep the family drama at home, people?" Chris said, before picking up the final marshmallow.

"Now! Sugar and Max – down to you!"

"What? Were these naïve simpletons that threatened by the magnitude of my evil machinations?!" Max snapped, leaping to his feet in sheer indignation. "If my elimination is final, you will all rue the day you met me! I SHALL HAVE MY RE—"

Much like with Topher, a marshmallow was shoved into Max's mouth.

"Geez, e-nough already! With three votes against, you're still in the ga—"

"And Sugar's our unlucky first contestant to get the boot!" Topher interrupted Chris. He was pointing directly at Sugar, a smug grin etched on his face. "That means it's time for you to get your spicy rear out of here!"

Chris's eyes twitched as a vein in his head began to throb violently. He glared at Topher; a sadistic grin burned on his own face.

"Don't feel bad, Topher! Thanks to you getting under every pore of my skin today, you'll be joining her!"

Topher's face fell; he looked like he had just been punched in the stomach. "Wait, what?!"

"Yeah! Let's just call you unlucky number 13! Just like you've been a blight on my existence since minute one! I've already had one super-insane Chris-obsessed fanboy last season! I do not need two!"

Chris snapped at Chef, who slung Topher across one of his shoulders. Shortly after, he had picked up Sugar, slinging her across his other shoulder.

"I'll take care of 'em for ya, Chris." Chef's smile, unlike Chris and Topher's, was calm, calculated, and cruel.

"You got it, Chef!" Chris said, in a much calmer tone. "Now, on to the—"

"You can't get rid of me, McLean!" Topher shouted at Chris, as Chef carried both him and Sugar off down towards the water. "I'll be back! You haven't heard the last of Topher McBain! When they find out that you've—"

"Oh, look at that! I don't care." Chris snapped back at him, glaring until Topher, Sugar, and Chef had disappeared from view.

Once they had vanished, he turned back to the other competitors, all smiles again. "Okay, so you lucky 12 will be in two separate teams of 6! One helmed by Leonard…"

He motioned to Leonard, who gave a sheepish smile and a wave.

"…and the other headed by Jasmine!"

He did likewise with Jasmine, who gave a small smile and a nod of assent.

"Okay, both of you, stand over here, please," Chris said, motioning to two X-shaped spots on the ground a distance apart from each other.

"Here's how this is going to work! First person picks the second person, then the second person picks the third person, and so on and so forth! We'll alternate between Leonard and Jasmine's teams until no one's left for grabs!

"Ladies first, Jasmine! You've got your first pick."

"Sammy," Jasmine said, hands on her hips and a stern look on her face.

Samey got up, gulping slightly. Amy glared at Samey's back as she trudged over to Jasmine.

"I…promise I won't let you down…" she murmured, more to the ground than to her new friend.

Jasmine looked down at Samey, an eyebrow raised.

"Okay! Leonard, you're next!' Chris continued.

Leonard opened his mouth, took a breath, and…

BANG!

A loud explosion and two loud shrieks pierced the air. The others looked off in the distance as they could see a large, misshapen silhouette fly through the night sky before vanishing for good over the water.

"I know Pahkitew is Cree for 'explode', but this is too much, Chris!" Sky said, wincing. "You had to blow them up?!"

Leonard, in the meantime, was looking at his staff, a hand placed on his cheek in surprise. "My magic works! Now, for my next act, I shall make Scarlett apparate to me! Come to me, my lovely assistant! I say, come!"

Shawn grabbed the edges of his toque, starting to sweat. Max glared at Scarlett; arms folded.

As Leonard hummed an incantation with his eyes closed, Scarlett got up from her stump, walked over to Leonard, and stood beside him.

Leonard opened his eyes, looked around, saw Scarlett, and waved his arms in an overly dramatic flourish.

"Alaka-zam! My magic works!"

No one clapped or applauded. Shawn, for instance, was glaring daggers at Leonard. His smile fell.

"Oh-kay! Samey, you're next to pick your next teammate!" Chris continued, completely ignoring Leonard's "magic" trick.

"Uh…um…" Samey stared wildly at the other competitors before shakily pointing a finger at…

"Oh, of course you'd pick me – you're too weak and helpless to manage without!" Amy sneered, hopping off the bleachers and strutting her way to Amy and Jasmine.

Chris sighed. "Oh-kay, if we get any more twin drama, I'll have to separate you two so you can tear each other apart on opposing teams! No one likes infighting! Scarlett, you're next!"

Scarlett pursed her lip for a brief moment, then pointed at Sky.

"Sky's athletic prowess and superior strength will prove fortuitous to our future endeavors as a cohesive unit," she said.

Sky pumped her fist in triumph, before getting up from her stump and sprinting over to the others.

"I'll pick you next, Dave, don't worry!" she half-whispered to her slumping, majorly injured competitor.

"No, you won't!" Amy snapped, a smirk crossing her face. "Get over here, Dave-y!"

Sky gasped. "NO!"

Dave stood from his stump and slouched over to Amy, Samey and Jasmine. "Why, oh why, oh why?" he groaned to the universe.

Dave: On the bright side, Sugar's gone. She freaked me out on that zeppelin, and did you see what she did to the trees?! Another few episodes and she'd be eating us next! I had to vote for her with Sky! But, on the not-so-bright side - my only ally, and vote, is on the opposing team! Now what?!

"Sky, next pick?" Chris said, his savage grin widening.

Sky winced slightly as her eyes skimmed over the remaining choices. Max was still sitting on his stump, arms folded. Shawn remained to his left, sitting patiently. On the rickety peanut gallery stands, Rodney was flailing his arms in the air, shaking his head profusely and sweating. Below him, Ella still looked mournfully at her bucket while Beardo was gently rubbing her torn Juliet sleeve.

"…Ssssshawn," she said, softly exhaling after she said his name. "He's a survivalist, right? He'll help us with finding edible food."

Shawn quirked an eyebrow in slight surprise and astonishment, but walked over to join Sky, Scarlett, and Leonard.

Shawn: Yeah, I guess I'll have to look after this sorry squad. Not my first pick to survive the apocalypse with, that's for sure. At least Sky and Scarlett got brawn and brains, respectively!

"Dave?" Chris asked, motioning to the remaining four competitors: Rodney, Max, Beardo, and Ella.

Jasmine hurriedly whispered in Dave's ear. He groaned and pointed at the peanut gallery bleachers.

"Rodney…" he moaned, before dropping his hand back to his side.

"Yes!" Rodney bellowed, jumping off the bleachers, causing the ground to quake. He hurried over to Dave, wrapping him up tight in a massive bear hug.

"You won't regret this, little buddy!" he said, ignoring Dave's cries and moans of pain.

Dave: *his body is badly contorted and injured, on top of his pre-existing injuries* Help…me!

"Okay, okay, Rodney, stop," Jasmine said, prying Dave off Rodney with some effort.

"Shawn, take your team's final pick!" Chris said, as Shawn looked over the remaining competitors.

"Okay, so Ella's sadder than the saddest sacks of sack-mania, and I can't trust Max further than I can throw him. So, process of elimination – Be-air-do."

"Af-ter, to-daaaaaa-aaay's performance of 'Love Be-in-the-air-do', flip it to siiiiiide B," Beardo rapped, before walking over to Shawn and raising his hand for a high-five.

Shawn didn't return it.

Shawn: Man, the remaining three picks sucked! At least Be-air-do could've provided some kind of musical entertainment! Furthermore, he'd be the first one the zombies would eat…unless they got to Leonard first. *He shrugs, nonplussed, at the camera* Come on, I gotta work with something here!

"Rodney! Last pick!" Chris said, folding his arms in sheer anticipation of who Rodney would invite to the soon-to-be completed team.

"Uhhhhhhhh…" Rodney groaned, pointing his massive index finger between Ella and Max. Max, for the first time since his near elimination, stood up and glared at Rodney.

"If you seriously think that I'll be stuck on that tribe with that she-witch with powers to match my purest of all evils, you've got another thing co—"

"I like your words, magic man!" Rodney said, laughing and pointing at Max.

"Well, that's a wrap! Max, join Jasmine and the rest! Ella, looks like you and your little lover get a sweet rendezvous!" Chris said, as Max stalked over to Jasmine. Ella, for her part, morosely left the bleachers and walked over to Beardo, burying the side of her head in his chest and wrapping her free arm around his waist.

"Last, but not least, before you part! Your team names!" Chris said, all smiles.

"Jasmine, your team will be known as the Soaring Eagles!"

A purple logo of an eagle in flight soared on the screen, complete with a majestic-sounding screech of a bird of prey.

"As for Leonard – your team is called the Ferocious Tigers!"

An orange logo bearing a vicious-looking tiger resting on its haunches, ready to pounce, now filled the screen. To complete the effect, the low growl of a tiger sounded in the background.

"Now, off to bed, the lotta ya! Tigers will sleep in Leonard's wizard's tower while Eagles will sleep in Jasmine's treehouse! Be sure to wake up bright and early for tomorrow's unforgettable challenge! Chop chop!"

Amy: So, I've got Rodney, Sky's dearest, sweetest little pet, Spare-my, and that gremlin nobody likes! This is my team to run, and I've got it in the bag! Jasmine, prepare to be de-throned!

"Two gone, twelve to go, and one million dollars in the making!" Chris said, as both teams trooped toward Leonard and Jasmine's respective shelters. "who's next in line to get blown to bits? Find out next time on the next explosive episode of Total…Drama…Pahkitew Island!"

(AN: Holy. COW. This episode took a while to finally come out, huh? This is easily the longest piece of writing I've done for this series, and it's the first episode. Usually by the final four or three episodes is when I'm really firing on all cylinders, but hey, this is going to be quite a season. Did you enjoy the first episode? Do you have any predictions for the next few episodes' eliminations? I've got the next 3 or 4 truly set in stone, but beyond that, I'm thinking about where I really want things to go. For example, my rough draft didn't have the returning peanut gallery – given some plot points I have planned for later this season, it was easier to have it be here, and it'll serve as a nice "dinner and a show" for the winning teams, so to speak!

As for the two eliminated competitors themselves? I personally think Sugar was a highlight of the original Pahkitew Island. The fact that she actually strategized and played the game (to whatever degree it could be strategically played) really helped her for me. Unfortunately, for what I have planned in this universe, she really stuck out like a sore thumb. Not to mention that her…particular brand of humor did not gel with a lot of people, let's put it that way. I know I despised her all the way back in 2014…10 years ago. Holy cow, time flies.

As for Topher? He is, bar none, one of my least favorite Total Drama competitors, ever. He desperately needed more interactions with someone who wasn't Chris in the actual show, and I figured he would've caused Chris to snap and kick him off sooner or later, like he did with Sierra in canon. I couldn't make him last long here, unfortunately, but let's just say I've got plans with the guy in the future…you'll see!

Now, I'll let you know about who voted for who and why they did what they did. As follows, alphabetically:

Amy – voted for Samey (duh! She was the extremely long, drawn-out note shown in the chapter)

Beardo – voted for Sugar (voted with Ella in solidarity over the glitter bucket)

Dave – voted for Sugar (mentioned in the confessional in the actual chapter)

Ella – voted for Sugar (was extremely upset over what she did to her glitter bucket)

Jasmine – voted for Amy (mentioned in the chapter)

Leonard – voted for Max (voted with Scarlett and Shawn due to the former's distrust of Max)

Max – voted for Scarlett (due to his paranoia about Scarlett being a hyper-competent supervillain)

Rodney – voted for Samey (Amy got into his head and he voted for Samey, against his usual better judgment)

Samey – voted for Sugar (didn't vote for Amy despite Jasmine telling her to, will bring this up in a future chapter!)

Scarlett – voted for Max (Shawn told Scarlett what Max had told him and she wasn't a fan of that, shown in the actual chapter)

Shawn – voted for Max (see Scarlett and Leonard's entries above; he voted for Max, too)

Sky – voted for Sugar (voted alongside Dave, shown in the actual chapter)

Sugar – voted for Scarlett (voted her because she saw The Wizard of Oz and thought Leonard gave Scarlett a brain. It makes sense in the chapter.)

Topher – voted for Sugar (she treated him like her baby, pierced his eardrums with her singing, and completely humiliated him on international television. He's not going to like being booted off with her, huh?)

Overall votes:

Sugar – 6

Max – 3

Samey – 2

Scarlett – 2

Amy – 1

And last, but not least, I do hope to get the next chapter out to you in due course. What I mentioned above is a major reason why it took so long. For reference, I first started coming up with these ideas back in November 2021. Writing the actual chapter started a year later. Now, it's done, and I hope to have something going. The two new seasons are helping a lot, thankfully. Thank you so much for being patient with me!)

Ferocious Tigers: Beardo, Ella, Leonard, Scarlett, Shawn, Sky

Soaring Eagles: Amy, Dave, Jasmine, Max, Rodney, Samey

14th: Sugar

13th: Topher (disqualified)

Next Up: Grease is Neat, From Your Hands to Your Feet