rachel's perspective
I dreaded another Monday, wrestling with the ghosts of anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, depression, and who knows what else.
From dealing with myself and recognizing my behaviors, I easily self-diagnosed myself.
Maybe I should not have leaped to such conclusions without a professional but it wasn't like I was getting that luxury anytime soon.
I was currently in Ms. Hernandez's Gym class and we were playing basketball.
Ms. Hernandez was a tan skinned and fit lady. She had dark brown hair, hazel eyes, along with a strict personality. She was about thirty years old if I judged correctly and she was not one of those gym teachers that would let students slouch around and chat.
Let us keep in mind that as a transfer or plain old me, I was not much of a people's person.
I sat in darkness so long I was scared that even if the luckiest stroke of light crossed my path, I'd be a hex and lose it.
Garfield.
Strangely enough the sympathetic teenager crossed my mind. For the last several days I have done nothing but sit in awkward silence in front of him. I felt my bones crawl when his eyes occasionally drifted over me. I caught a few glimpses of him myself.
We both knew nothing of each other but our names.
Why was he so kind to me? He left all of his friends to sit with an unresponsive, bland, apathetic girl like me!?
I don't deserve his kindess. Or any at all.
I'm too complicated.
Disturbed.
Abnormal.
Mental.
Psychotic.
Dark.
Dumb.
Useless.
"Rachel! Rachel!"
My eyes dulled while Garfield hypnotized my mind. His blond hair reminded me the vibrant yellow hope of a washed out sunflower petal. His green pupils were compassionate and full of bliss. His smile was welcoming and pure and...
My deepening fantasy of the boy vanished instantly as a deafening clunk knocked my head.
"Ow!" I winced.
My vision pulled up a black screen then allowed me to see the world again. Pounds and hammers infiltrated my skull.
"That's what you get for not paying attention." a red head, Stephanie, shoved me viciously.
"Ha! When does she ever pay attention!" a brunette, Alyssa, spat rudely.
Stephanie Rios and Alyssa Miles were best friends. Most people were mean to me but these two were the meanest.
Thankfully I only had to deal with them for one period each day. But on a day like this, it was like their behavior was itching at my skin like a mosquito bite.
"She's probably failing all of her classes like an imbecile." Alyssa Miles made a circle of girls snort.
I kept my face stiff.
"Rachel? Pftt, she fails at life too, clearly." Stephanie returned.
The duo was tossing commentary back and forth like a ball. It was like they were playing tennis. One racket hits the lime sphere over to the other side, the next person reacts.
To and fro, one hit, the next, three, four, five. But the net sits under the scorching Sun.
It sits under the sensation of Hades and in between the temperature of the heated competitors.
The net listens to every smack, each bounce, every whip. It has no choice but to hear every vibration and movement.
The net sat.
Stationary.
Hushed.
Inert.
I was the net.
"Hahaha! She is a failure. F-a-i-l-u-r-e. Can you spell that for me Rachie, Rachie?" Alyssa's green, wicked eyes pinned my soul to the ground.
My flesh crackled in a fire of rage as the words ping-ponged in my mind. I clenched my fists and my breathing began to labor.
Blood flooded into my cheeks like the surging waves of a tsunami. The cells in my heart, brain, and nerves, prickled in fear, then blacked out. My pale hands trembled in shock. My body was paying attention to every inch of dust and string of air in the room and my own well being.
Way too much at once.
"Come on, spell it. Don't do it slow like you usually do things. If you can even talk that is." Stephanie pinched my cheeks with her grime-coated fingers.
Another round of snickers made my ears slump.
The ghost of Anxiety howled in my ears and brushed it's nails across my spirit like a stick of chalk on a screeching blackboard.
"STOP IT! AND DO NOT TOUCH ME!" I reflexively slapped the girl's palm down.
The girls gasped and held their breaths.
No one disrespected Stephanie.
Ever.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
/ Rachel's a savage lol/
Her face split into shock for a second and back into it's regular snarl almost instantly.
"Did you just slap, me?" Stephanie's icy blue eyes pierced through my weak ones.
I backed up as her thunderous body got closer to me.
"I-I didn't mean to I'm sorry." I whimpered, my boldness shrank down to its normal shyness.
"Do you really think the Big and the Bad take 'sorry's'?" she cackled.
"'Specially from wimps like you?"
"You'll learn the definition of sorry. At least you'll walk out of school learning something today." I was caught off guard by a steel heavy thump.
Stephanie steered her knuckles into my jaw. The colors around me drained into a neutral hue. It didn't help that I took a blow less than ten minutes ago. My brain rattled slightly out of place and I still wasn't able to release the frozen inhale in my chest.
Tears made my pupils ache along with a flaming patch on my cheek. The pressure of the slap battered me to my knees.
"STEPHANIE!" Ms. Hernandez finally paid attention to us.
Knowing Ms. Hernandez, she would not have let the bunch circle around and chatter to begin with.
She darted to the scene and immediately got the memo. Stephanie's guilty face and proximity to me the her under the bus.
"But she—"
"I don't want to hear it. Go to the Dean's Office." the adult demanded and knelt down to me.
All the other teenagers stood in silence.
Alyssa took a few steps backward in a so-called slick fashion.
"You and Alyssa both. This is ridiculous. As high school students you should respect others. Furthermore, as humans. But I guess humanity isn't too human now, is it?" Ms. Hernandez used her eyes and hurled the duet to their destination.
I felt dozens of eyes look on me.
The weak me.
The afraid me.
The humiliated me.
The hurt me.
Me.
"Girls, go change your uniforms and wait out for the bell in the locker room please." the girls filed out of the gym in obedience.
"I'm sorry this happened to you Rachel."
"It's fine." I furrowed my lips into a thin line of anger.
Ms. Hernandez sighed and turned speechless.
The emotions that radiated from my body only grew more vibrant with time.
"May I ask how this happened?" I looked away from her hazel eyes.
"They were just being them. And I was only being me." I stubbornly grunted.
The current vexation I was undergoing quieted my anxiousness moderately.
"You should probably make your way to the Nurse. Do you want me to go with you?" the teacher suggested.
"No thank you Ms. Hernandez. I'll go to lunch." I watched fuzz flow around me and my neurons furled.
I stood up defiantly.
"Are you sure Rachel? You should check that out. You look like you are in a lot of pain." my teacher stood up too.
"Yes. I am. In life, you have to shrug it off and act like nothing bothered you to start with." I turned my back to the adult and wiped a tear from my cheek.
I realized I was only going to sit at the table with Garfield only to starve myself again.
I knew what I'd write in my journal when I got home. After counting the cracks in the sidewalks, counting all of the cars on the streets, and washing my hands rigorously.
F-a- i-l-u-r-e.
hey guysss. just a reminder that i wrote this fanfic in 2019,, prime emo years. and also i'm not sure if i did give the warnings but there's a lot of self harm and self-depreciation in this book. but i really hope you enjoy it.
-D.