Truce

A/N: AU ending of The Human Factor, 5x23. Instead of keeping the job opportunity a secret, Beckett tells Castle. With the understanding that the rest of the plot comes about the same way, from the conversation with Martha to the scene at the swings.

—-

Beckett swirled the wine in her glass before taking a hesitant sip. She knew the alcohol would calm her nerves, but it almost felt like too much of an effort to drink it.

"All decisions are personal. And where one person might see roses, another may see a chance to move on from an old life and onto a new one," Castle said, contemplative and wise as ever. His statement hurt though, right underneath her breastbone. Moving on from an old life to a new one; that was what she'd been presented with today.

"The human factor," she said, and he agreed. The human factor.

"And this human needs a shower. Care to join me?" He stood, the devilish glint in his eye inviting her for more than just a shower. He always wanted her. He spoiled her, really; with the kind of affection she'd never had in any other relationship. She'd grown so accustomed to it… How could she ever imagine leaving it?

But she was. Imagining it.

"I'll be there in a minute," she called after his retreating form. He flashed a smile over his shoulder, disappearing into his bedroom.

But then his voice called out for her. "You never did tell me what Stack wanted to talk to you about." And there it was. That icepick of doubt and fear and, horrifyingly, excitement, jammed itself into her stomach. She inhaled deeply through her nose, feeling frozen to the spot. As if he'd known what she'd been obsessing about all evening, and was giving her the chance to come clean.

"Nothing," she called on instinct. She knew it was the wrong thing to say. "It was nothing."

Distantly, she heard the water turn on. She felt like she was playing Russian Roulette. She could take her turn now, when her chances of destruction were still fairly manageable, or she could wait, knowing the longer she waited, the more likely it'd be that the chamber would be loaded.

She didn't want to hurt him. She just wanted to go enjoy their shower, and bask in the glow of his untainted love and adoration for as long as she could, for as long as he'd have her.

But if she didn't tell him now, and she actually did get this job? He was going to find out eventually. And when he did, it would be far, far worse if she hadn't been honest.

Beckett rose from her seat, worrying her wine-stained lip between her teeth. She found Castle in the bathroom, shirt already off and hand testing the water temperature.

"Castle," she said, getting his attention, and he turned to smile at her.

"Just getting her nice and warmed up," he crooned, and took off his belt. "It's almost ready."

"Could you - could you just turn off the water for a second?"

He looked confused. "But then I'd have to start all over again."

Beckett took a step forward, picking at her nails. God this was going to be harder than she thought. Her stomach twisted, threatening to toss up her dinner. "I know, but I really need to talk to you."

Finally, understanding seemed to dawn on his face. His eyebrows lowered, and his smile faded. "Oh. Okay." He turned the knobs in the shower, cutting the water off. "What's up?"

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. He straightened, putting his hands on his hips, waiting.

She swallowed. "Um. Let's - let's go sit down."

Tugging on his wrist, she led Castle to the bed, where he timidly perched on the edge, staring at her, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"You gonna tell me what's going on, or do I have to guess?"

She tried to smile apologetically. She could do this. It was just Castle. Surely… surely he'd understand.

"I lied, before."

"About?"

She began to pace in front of him. "When you asked about Stack. He - It wasn't nothing. It was something. Something important."

"And… you're going to tell me about it now?"

She paused, wringing her hands as she looked down at him. "Yes. It's just… a little hard to explain."

He scoffed. "We've certainly discussed some complex topics before, Beckett. I'm sure I can handle it."

Kate sighed. She wasn't so sure.

She took a deep breath, held it, and then on the exhale said, "He offered me an interview. For a job."

Silence. She was met with tangible, burning silence.

So she kept talking. She may be comfortable with silence in an interrogation room, but not with Castle. Not like this.

"It's with the Attorney General. In D.C. I - I told him I'd think about it."

He looked at her, mouth slightly agape, and she could feel the blood rushing out of her face. For once, she'd rendered Richard Castle speechless - and not in a good way.

"Say something. Please."

"I… For once, I don't know what to say."

"Anything. Tell me what you're thinking."

He scoffed, looking down into his lap. "You don't want to know what I'm thinking."

Beckett flinched. She began pacing again. "I do, though. Look… I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but–"

"But what, Kate?" He slapped his hands down on his thighs. "Are you even listening to yourself right now? Do you have any idea - any at all - what you're suggesting?"

"Castle… This is a position with a federal task force. This kind of opportunity… this doesn't come around often, if ever, to people like me."

"It's in Washington D.C."

She sighed. "I know. I know it is."

"So then you do realize what this means. What it would mean for us."

She stilled, crossing her arms across her chest, facing away from him. She couldn't stand to hear the hitch in his voice when he said that word. See the hurt flash across his face like he'd been struck by a heavy, blunt object.

"I know. It's why I told him I'd think about it."

"But you have thought about it. Because if you were going to say no, you wouldn't be telling me this right now."

Now it was her turn to be silent.

"Kate… we're in a good place, you and I. After years of trying to get here, we both finally have what we want!" He was pleading with her to understand, but how could he not see that she already did? How could he not tell, from the tightness of her body and the apology in her voice that she already knew all this? That the knowledge of what she'd have to give up was tearing her apart inside?

"What if I want more?" she found herself whispering, and it landed like she knew it would: with the force of a bomb.

"So… what you're saying, is that I'm not enough."

She whipped around to face him. His eyes were locked on her, face carved of marble - cold and hard. "No. I'm not saying that at all, Castle."

"Then say what you mean because I seem to be getting mixed signals here."

Beckett scrubbed her hands over her face before running her fingers through her hair in frustration. Why was this so hard?

"This job… It'll be on a much grander scale. It'll be a chance to do more."

"Without me, though."

"Please don't make this about us. It's more than that."

He stood, like he couldn't stand to be beneath the weight of her gaze anymore. He began to pace, matching her nervous energy. "How is it not about us? You get this job, you move to D.C. I'll never see you. That's pretty much the end of our relationship, isn't it?"

Hearing him say the words aloud sliced through her jugular, making it hard to force words out of her mouth. "You don't know that…"

"Why, Kate?" He looked distraught, hands resting on his hips in indignation. "Why are you putting us through this?"

"I'm not putting us through anything, Castle! It's just an interview. One I haven't even gone on yet!"

"But you want to."

She swallowed. "Yes. I do." She chewed on her lip, trying to explain. "Look… what we do on a daily basis, it means something to me. I'm in my element, putting bad guys behind bars. But on a federal scale… Castle - the things I could learn, the things I could do, to help this country… I would be a fool not to at least consider taking the interview." She took a seat on the bed, energy depleted. "I'm not saying I want this to end, between us. I don't. It's why I've been worrying myself sick all evening, trying to find a way to tell you."

He said nothing, but ran his hand along the top of his head, back and forth. His face was impassive, unreadable. Beckett wasn't sure if telling him had been the right thing to do after all.

"It's competitive. I probably won't even get the job. At first, I wasn't going to say anything until there was something to tell. But then… I don't know. I guess I thought keeping this from you might just make things worse."

He nodded slowly. "You're right about that." But still, his expression did nothing to assuage her guilt.

"I just thought I'd try… try letting you in, for a change," she whispered, and it was so quiet she wondered if perhaps the admission had fallen on deaf ears.

Several long moments of silence passed between them before finally Castle began walking towards the bathroom. "I know I asked you to join me earlier, but I think in light of recent events… I need to be alone for a little while." He stood in the doorway watching her, and Beckett blinked. She nodded, acquiescing, and Castle frowned before softly closing the bathroom door.

Kate sat there, running through the conversation over and over again. Where she'd fumbled, where she should have been more sympathetic. She wasn't sure how she could have been more clear when as of now, there was still nothing to tell. She hadn't gotten the job yet and he was acting as if she'd broken up with him right then and there.

But she hadn't, and she wasn't going to. She didn't want to lose him. She couldn't.

She wasn't sure how long she'd sat there, wrapped in a blanket of regret and silence, but what snapped her out of it was the bathroom door opening, Castle standing in the doorway with messy wet hair and a towel wrapped around his waist. Steam billowed out like a fog, carrying the scent of his soap to where she sat hunched on the bed. His smell should have provided comfort. It should have beckoned her to wrap her arms around him, breathe him in; maybe pull at the edge of his towel until the fabric dropped to the floor.

But instead she sat there, staring at the hard, sad lines of his face. "It's all yours," he muttered, and stepped aside.

Kate nodded, and stepped around him into the bathroom. She shed her clothes and turned the water on. She didn't bother waiting for it to warm up before stepping inside.

—-

Twenty minutes later, Beckett closed the bathroom door behind her. She wore a clean pair of underwear and one of Castle's oversized t-shirts - her favorite one, to be exact. It was deep blue, like the color of his eyes, and hung down to her thighs.

The bedroom was dark, save for streetlights pouring in from the city outside the windows. Castle was lying on his side, facing away from her. He was still, and she couldn't help but think he'd fallen asleep in the time she'd been gone.

Carefully, she crawled into bed beside him, trying to make as little movement as possible. She closed her eyes, willing sleep to come, but this wasn't right. She'd never slept in his bed without at least part of him touching her. Still, she was a big girl. She didn't sleep with him every night; she needed to make the best of it.

An hour passed. Then another. And sleep never came.

Her hip was starting to hurt, where she needed to roll over and switch positions. But she didn't dare move; like if she reminded Castle that she was still there, he'd kick her out or something, appalled that she hadn't left on her own earlier tonight. But she needed to move, she was too stiff.

Slowly, Beckett rolled over to face Castle. She flinched, when she found he was on his back, eyes staring up at the ceiling.

"You're awake," she whispered.

"So are you," he responded in the same even tone.

"I'm sorry, Castle."

"I know."

"I don't want to lose you," Beckett admitted. It felt like the truest thing she'd said all night, the heart of why she'd decided to take this chance. Telling him the truth lessened the risk of him being the one to break her heart.

"I don't want to lose you either."

"So… let's not. Lose each other, that is," she suggested, and looked up at him with hopeful, desperate eyes. As if he was the one who held her world and her future in his hands, instead of the other way around.

Castle said nothing. Instead, he scooted closer to her so she could put her head on his chest. She gasped at his warmth, and the way it spread through her, down to her toes. She settled against him, eyes open and palm lying flat on his stomach.

"Goodnight, Kate." He gave her hair a few strokes before settling his palm on her shoulder. This was his way of offering a truce.

It only took minutes for her to fall asleep.