MIND YOUR MANNERS - CHAPTER 2
"What happens if you are matched with the wrong person?" Mr. Darcy asked.
"I am not sure," Sir William said. "I am not aware of any mismatches previously. No one has ever come back to complain."
"Although some people have been upset at first," said Lady Lucas.
"Once there was a gentleman who said that matching with anyone at an assembly such as this would be insupportable," said Sir William. "But in the end he had to admit to a rather fervent adoration of one particular lady he had met there."
"And remember that lady who said that the man with her soul mark was the last man that she could ever be prevailed to marry," Lady Lucas noted. "He was quite hurt by her vehemence but they were able to work it out."
"Her refusal of his addresses were merely words of course," said Mr. Collins. "My reasons for believing it are briefly these: It does not appear to me that his hand was ultimately unworthy of her acceptance, or that the establishment he could offer was not desirable. She should have taken it into further consideration that, in spite of her no doubt manifold attractions, it was by no means certain that another offer of marriage would ever be made to her. Having another man's soul mark would in all likelihood undo the effects of her loveliness and amiable qualifications. So I shall choose to attribute it to her wish of increasing his love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females."
"Yes, briefly indeed," Colonel Fitzwilliam said.
"But is there some kind of sign that allows one to be sure?" Mr. Darcy insisted.
"Marital felicity and lifelong happiness," Sir William said.
"I would prefer signs that are detectable before getting married."
"Well, given the tentative nature of some of these matches I would recommend a long courtship, to uncover any compatibility problems," Sir William said. "I do not believe that there is any danger in choosing to wait and see."
"What if the gentleman I was matched with does not make an appearance?" Miss Bingley asked. "Will there be ill effects if I do not find him?"
"Again, I do not know," Sir William said. "We have never had a missing persons case before. The number of gentlemen and ladies with soul marks have always matched."
"You forget the year 1794," said Lady Lucas.
"What happened in 1794?" Miss Bingley asked.
"We had two extra ladies," said Lady Lucas. "We do not know what happened to their gentlemen. It may be that there was an unfortunate accident that prevented them from returning to be accounted for. Or maybe they did return and took one look at the women who were available matches, did not like their chances and decided to leave. We are not sure."
"Oh, that is terrible," said Miss Bingley. "What happened to the women?"
"We did not know if there was some danger in being unmatched, so the women decided to live together so they could observe each other and take care of each other in case there were any signs of illness," Lady Lucas said. "No man has appeared looking for them ever since. But the women are still quite healthy and content. They live in Brighton now."
"That is good," Miss Bingley said.
"If anyone decided to leave when they saw you I am sure that you are much better off without him," said Mr. Wickham gallantly. "What a terrible taste."
"That is what I think too," said Miss Bingley.
"Sir William, I am very sorry but I am not sure that Miss Elizabeth and I are a match," said Mr. Wickham. "She is a very charming lady but…"
"But what?" Mrs. Bennet asked, incensed that Elizabeth had been found wanting.
"I hate to be indelicate but without a dowry, I could not offer her as comfortable a situation as she deserves."
"Oh, but you make such a handsome couple," Mrs. Bennet said.
"Mr. Wickham could not offer any lady as comfortable a situation as she deserves," said Mr. Darcy. "If I were you, Miss Elizabeth, I would be quite relieved not to be matched with George Wickham."
"Oh, is that so, Mr. Darcy? By what rights are you telling me what I should feel? I would call it somewhat officious interference," Miss Elizabeth said.
"Mr. Wickham and I have a previous acquaintance," he said, by way of explanation.
"Mr. Darcy and his jealousy of me have reduced me to my current state of penury," said Mr. Wickham. "But we would not wish to dwell on the sad circumstances upon this happy occasion."
"It is just as well for you to keep quiet," said Mr. Darcy grimly.
"I am much prettier than Lizzy so Mr. Wickham and I would make a more handsome couple," said Miss Lydia. "I think you are very attractive in your red coat, so maybe I am your match."
"And you are indeed very beautiful, Miss Lydia, but sadly, handsome young couples must have something to live on as well as the plain," Mr. Wickham said. "I assume that your dowry is the same as Miss Elizabeth's?"
"We are not a bank, Mr. Wickham," Sir William said. "We are not in the business of financing your lifestyle and cannot guarantee you a rich wife, we are here to find soulmates."
"But I could just as easily be the soulmate of a wealthy lady, could I not?" Mr. Wickham said.
"In that case, your soulmate would not be my daughter nor any of the Misses Bennet," said Lady Lucas.
"The recklessness of youth might very easily see Mr. Wickham and Miss Lydia matched," mused Sir William. "But who would be for Mr. Collins then?"
"He is the heir to Longbourn," Lady Lucas reminded her husband. "I dare say he would do very well for Charlotte."
"But I thought Captain Carter…" said Miss Lucas.
"Mr. Collins would do very well for Elizabeth," said Mrs. Bennet.
"That would be acceptable to me, Miss Elizabeth," said Mr. Collins. "The fact is, that being, as I am, to inherit Longbourn after the death of your honoured father (who, however, may live many years longer), it would be very fitting for me to be matched with a wife from among his daughters, that the loss to them might be as little as possible when the melancholy event takes place—which, however, as I have already said, may not be for several years. This has been my motive, my fair cousin, and I flatter myself it will not sink me in your esteem. And now nothing remains for me but to assure you in the most animated language of the violence of my affection. To fortune I am perfectly indifferent, and shall make no demand of that nature on your father, since I am well aware that it could not be complied with; and that one thousand pounds in the 4 per cents., which will not be yours till after your mother's decease, is all that you may ever be entitled to. On that head, therefore, I shall be uniformly silent: and you may assure yourself that no ungenerous reproach shall ever pass my lips when we are married."
"You are too hasty, sir," Miss Elizabeth cried. "You forget that this is all very tentative as yet. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than decline them while it is in every way uncertain that we are a match."
"When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on the subject, I shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me; though I am far from accusing you of cruelty at present, because I know it to be the established custom of your sex to reject a man on the first application, and, perhaps, you have even now said as much to encourage my suit as would be consistent with the true delicacy of the female character," Mr. Collins said.
"Indeed, Mr. Collins, all praise of me will be unnecessary. You must give me leave to judge for myself, and pay me the compliment of believing what I say. I wish you very happy and very rich, and by refusing your hand, do all in my power to prevent your being otherwise."
"We must not forget Miss Bingley," said Sir William. "As an heiress, she would do for as far as wishing Mr. Collins rich is concerned, and as a future estate owner, Mr. Collins would do nicely for Miss Bingley."
"Miss Bingley would do nicely for me, as well," said Mr. Wickham.
"Watch out, Miss Bingley," said Mr. Darcy. "Wickham would run through your dowry in a short time."
"Oh no," said Miss Bingley. "I do not think that we would suit. In my opinion, my match is you, Mr. Darcy. Or perhaps Lord Hartwell."
"Now, wait a minute!" said Lord Hartwell.
"I think our marks would have appeared a long time ago if we were a match," said Mr. Darcy.
"Let me say that I consider talking about money here rather crass. But as financial concerns have been raised by several participants I suppose it is unavoidable at this point of the proceedings. Are any of you concerned about love, anymore?" Lady Lucas said.
"All I want is for my sons and their cousins to be happy," said Lady Matlock.
"Anne and Darcy would have a happy marriage," said Lady Catherine.
"But there has been opposition by Mr. Darcy so we could not consider it a settled thing at this stage," said Lady Lucas. "Captain Carter mentioned frugality as a desirable trait, so I would imagine either Miss Elizabeth or Miss Mary to be better suited for him than Miss Lydia, or Miss Catherine. Mr. Darcy would certainly be able to buy enough ribbons for the youngest Miss Bennets."
"No one could be really esteemed to be Mr. Darcy's match who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the honour; and, besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the match will be but half deserved," Miss Bingley said.
"I do not know who is good enough for him," said Miss Elizabeth. "Can this paragon even exist?"
"I think we are to surmise that Miss Bingley believes she could fulfil all this herself," Sir William said.
"Let me be rightly understood. This match, to which you have the presumption to aspire, can never take place," Lady Catherine told Miss Bingley. "He belongs to my daughter."
"But Mr. Darcy does not agree with you. Miss de Bourgh's match could be Mr. Wickham," said Miss Bingley. "Her fortune would be sufficient for him, and his temperament and charm could enliven her quiet nature."
"That man would run Rosings into the ground," said Mr. Darcy.
"Yes, so you see, Darcy, why you must be Anne's match," said Lady Catherine.
"The soul matches are for the good of the souls," said Sir William, "not necessarily for their estates. We are looking for the most compatible persons, not the richest."
"Other arts and allurements may, in a moment of infatuation, have made Darcy forget what he owes to himself and to all his family. Sir William, you may have drawn him in, but do not deceive yourself into a belief that I will ever recede. I shall not go away till you have given me the assurance I require," Lady Catherine said. "If you match him with anyone other than Anne, do not expect her to be noticed by his family or friends, if you wilfully act against the inclinations of all. She will be censured, slighted, and despised, by everyone connected with him. Their alliance will be a disgrace; her name will never even be mentioned by any of us."
"Miss Mary," said Colonel Fitzwilliam.
"Miss Catherine," said Lord Hartwell.
"Miss Elizabeth, Miss Lucas," said Lady Matlock. "Miss Lydia, Miss Bingley."
"See, we have already mentioned their names, and can do it again if you need us to," said Colonel Fitzwilliam. "Any other objections, Auntie?"
"We have not yet considered Miss Elizabeth for Mr. Darcy," said Lady Lucas. "They have never met before, so their soul marks would work in the usual way of first words."
"Oh no! That would never do!" exclaimed Mr. Collins. "My motive for cautioning you is as follows: We have reason to imagine that his aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, does not look on the match with a friendly eye."
"Naturally, we are very sympathetic to Lady Catherine's concerns," said Lady Lucas. "She knows Mr. Darcy and must consider him a good husband candidate."
"Lady Catherine, is there a particular reason that you would prefer Mr. Darcy for your daughter, better than your other nephews?" Mrs. Bennet asked.
"Any profligate habits that we should be aware of?" Lady Lucas asked.
"My sons are both honourable men," said Lady Matlock.
"As the countess, Anne would outrank Lady Catherine," said Colonel Fitzwilliam.
"You see what impertinence I have to live with," said Lady Catherine. "As I have always said, Darcy and Anne have been meant to each other from their cradles. Beyond that, my reasons are my own."
"She is all affability and condescension, and I doubt not that we are honoured with any portion of her notice and explanation," said Mr. Collins.
"But as she is merely an interested onlooker, her word is not the last word in this room," Sir William said.
"A mother always wants the very best for her children," said Lady Lucas. "Which brings me to mention the conflict of interest that is inherent to my position. One would consider Lord Hartwell and Mr. Darcy to be the most eligible matches, in terms of societal position and fortune here, and Mr. Collins will one day be an estate owner. The other gentlemen have no doubt other estimable qualities but their wives would live in more modest circumstances. And this is the first time that Sir William and myself have been called to assist in the matching of our own daughter, as well as the daughters of our good friends the Bennets. I am afraid that the fear of appearing partial and prejudiced might impede in the consideration of all the potential matches here."
"I may assure you that any of my daughters would do very well as a countess," said Mrs. Bennet.
"Five daughters out at once!" said Lady Catherine contemptuously. "The eldest are not yet married so the youngest should still be in the schoolroom with their governess."
"We never had any governess," Miss Lydia said
"No governess! How was that possible? Five daughters brought up at home without a governess! I never heard of such a thing." Lady Catherine glared at the Bennet girls. "Darcy, you simply could not think of marrying a girl who has not had a proper education."
"I dare say marital felicity has very little to do with her arithmetic skills," said Lord Hartwell.
"Anne would have been a great proficient in arithmetics," said Lady Catherine.
"I vastly preferred the previous years when we made the matches without all this strife and arguing," said Lady Lucas.
"We see your quandary, Lady Lucas," said Miss Bingley. "A handwriting analysis seemed to confirm the match between my brother and Miss Bennet, so maybe it could help in the other cases too. We would not need to rely solely on your insights then."
"We could try," Sir William said, "but Mr. Bingley was a somewhat special case. Soul marks are frequently rather stylized and decorative, like art made with words, and I do not believe that anyone would write like that in the ordinary course of things."
"And a couple of the soul marks that I saw were rather similar so I am not sure how distinctively we could identify the origin by sight," said Lady Lucas.
"Still, it could not hurt to attempt it, just in case it can confirm something or rule something out," said Miss Elizabeth.
"But I think we should do it blindly," said Mr. Darcy. "One would hate to be thrust into an infelicitous marriage by wishful thinking."
"Right," said Sir William. "When you go home, make a copy of your soul mark, or have someone else copy it, if it is in such a place that you cannot see it yourself. Then, write the words on the soul marks on another paper."
"You said some soul marks were similar," said Mr. Darcy. "How do we identify the drawings?"
"Write your name on the corner of the pages and cut it off," suggested Miss Elizabeth. "Not in a straight line but a little jagged, uneven. We can match the paper with the name later, based on the shape."
"Very good," said Sir William.
"That way we might obtain several independent opinions from people who have no dog in this race," said Lady Lucas.
"It cannot be necessary for Anne and Darcy to do this," said Lady Catherine. "There is no reason to doubt the appropriateness of their union, and no outsider opinions are needed or welcomed."
"The last time I was at Rosings I asked Anne if she wanted more cauliflowers, and she told me no but please pass the gravy," Mr. Darcy said.
"Well, never mind that," said Lady Catherine. "Of course you have spoken before, you have known each other since you were children, and I always seat you together at dinner. But this does not mean that you are not soul mates."
"All we ever speak of lately is food," said Mr. Darcy. "Could we really be soul mates if we have so little in common?"
"If Mr. Darcy and Miss de Bourgh are not a match then we might match Mr. Darcy with Miss Bingley," said Sir William. "But no, you and Miss Bingley have also spoken before so it would not solve the issue."
"How certain are you that all the soul marks appear when one speaks for the first time?" suggested Miss Bingley hopefully. "Maybe there is some magic about speaking at your splendid ball."
"Sir William, you said that you have always matched complete strangers before, so perhaps this alternative has simply never come up before," said Lady Catherine. "What if there are cousins who are matched because of your magic?"
"Well, it was certainly an enchanted evening," said Sir William. "I suppose we do not understand everything about the way the magic works, so we shall keep an open mind."
"This seems like a rather fleeting process, fraught with uncertainty," said Captain Carter. "Can you be completely sure that the magic works? Perhaps one would do better to choose their spouse in a more traditional manner."
"It would have been so much simpler if you lot did not mind your manners so much," said Sir William. "Everyone says hello in the same way but good insults are much easier to match."
"More imaginative," said Lady Lucas.
"Imbued with more personality," said Sir William.
"Accept my best wishes for your health and happiness," said Lady Lucas. "It was nice and polite, not at all insulting, but no one at the same ball replicated the remark."
"Or you might have said something more flowery," said Sir William. "One year there was a man who opened with, 'You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you', and while it was a rather peculiar thing to say to a stranger it was certainly unique, and very easy to match the next day."
"Are you absolutely certain that they were strangers?" asked Lady Catherine. "They might have known each other for all their lives."
"I suppose it is possible he had been harbouring an undisclosed affection for the lady for a long time," said Lady Lucas.
"Unfortunately it does not sound like something I would say," said Mr. Darcy.
"If you expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the éclat of a proverb, that would do very nicely," said Miss Elizabeth.
He smiled, and assured her that whatever she wished him to say should be said.
"We should go back to the business at hand," said Miss Bingley.
"Right, we should make some progress on the matches," said Sir William.
"You said some of the marks are decorated in a distinctive manner," said Mr. Darcy.
"So perhaps we could also try our hand drawing personalized, decorated soul marks," said Miss Elizabeth.
"All right, let us do that and meet here again tomorrow," said Sir William.
"Do we need to perform this check on Jane and Mr. Bingley again?" Miss Mary asked.
"I dare say my brother might be matched with Miss de Bourgh," said Miss Bingley.
"No!" exclaimed the Colonel. "Let us consider him settled. Bingley and Miss Bennet seem happy enough over there, and no one wants to see Bingley's handwriting ever again."