a/n: i hope your new year is off to a great start! i greatly appreciate all of your reviews and comments and i truly hope you'll stick around through the end of this story. i want to warn you that (unfortunately) the next several chapters are going to be a wild ride, and much of the story will be quite sad. but!! don't lose all hope. there will be a silver lining in the end :)

tw: miscarriage

"Castle, I think I'm..." Kate says before she feels herself getting woozy. She grabs on to the edge of the vanity to stay upright as her cramps pang on.

"Dr. Lauer's nurse said it could be lots of things, so they'll be ready when we get to the hospital," Rick says. "It might not be what it seems."

"Rick...it's...I know," Kate struggles to form a coherent sentence but he knew what she was saying.

"Do you think you can make it to the car, or am I calling an ambulance?" Rick says, trying to remain empathetic while still instilling urgency. He knew exactly what it looked like, could imagine what it felt like to Kate, but he needed to hold on to hope and get his wife to the hospital as quickly as he could as to not lose her and the baby both.

"I can walk," Kate insists, reaching out for Rick's hand. As she leaves the bathroom, she glances back to see the blood. So much blood, which had puddled at her feet as it rolled down her legs. "Castle, the blood..."

"Don't worry about that, honey. My concern right now is taking care of you, just you," he tells her. He grabs his phone and keys before booking it to the elevator. "Kate, it's all going to be okay." Except when the elevator arrived, they looked at each other and knew, they just knew. It wasn't all going to be okay.

"Castle," Kate croaks from the passenger seat, her head feeling heavy and her neck getting limped as they raced to the hospital.

"Kate, please stop saying you're having a mis–"

"I think I'm going to pass out," she interrupts.

Castle notices her head bobbing more and more, the color draining from her face.

"Stay awake for me, Kate, we're only a few blocks away," he practically yells from the driver's seat. "Stay with me, Kate."

"Castle, I'm so sorry," she cries. "I'm so sorry."

"Kate, it's not your fault," he pleads. "It's okay, Kate. Please stay awake." As he reaches the emergency entrance, that's when he loses her. He throws the car in park and sprints to her side, a team of medical personnel were already arriving with a gurney. Rick tosses his keys to the valet driver, not giving two shits if it was actually the valet or if he just gave his car away.

Rick recognized the nurse from Dr. Lauer's office that had met them at the door as the team of doctors starts Kate on an IV while she fights to stay conscious. They work calmly and efficiently, but Castle still feels bombarded with questions. Within a few minutes, Kate's condition stabilizes and she's no longer feeling herself slip away, which gave Rick a sliver of hope that maybe this wasn't what they thought it was. He holds on tightly to Kate's hand as the nurse explains the next steps. They needed to do an ultrasound. Just as the nurse steps out of the room, Castle feels a vibration in his pocket. He reaches down to pull out his phone.

"Shit, it's my mom," he says.

"Answer it," Kate tells him. "It could be important." He nods and steps out of the room to take the call.

"Richard, is everything alright?" Martha asks as soon as he picks up. "Ruby's tried calling Katherine three times now and she isn't answering."

Rick opens his mouth to explain what's happening, but all that comes out is a sob. "We're...uh, we're at the hospital." He says after finding an ounce of composure. "Don't tell Ruby or Alexis, but we think Kate's miscarrying."

"Oh, honey, you're here?" Martha whispers, clearly having left wherever she'd first called from to find more privacy.

"Yes, in the emergency room," Rick confirms.

"I'll be right there."

Martha hangs up before Castle can protest, but honestly, he doesn't mind. He steps back into the room and retakes Kate's hand, which is a bit cold from the combination of blood loss and IV fluid intake.

"They got worried when Ruby tried FaceTiming you and you didn't answer," Rick explains.

"Fuck, my phone's at home," Kate realizes. "So did you...?"

"Mother knows, but she's not going to tell Ruby or Alexis," Castle confirms.

Moments later, the nurse returned with the ultrasound technician and the portable machine. Whether or not Kate wanted to mask her fears, the heart rate revealed the truth as the rate immediately increased. Rick's did, too. He felt the beats so strongly in his stomach and in his ears that he was barely registering what the technician was explaining. But he got the gist. She'd be performing the scan, but the OB attending on-call would be arriving soon to go over the results.

Though they knew that the technician wouldn't confirm or deny anything, both Kate and Rick stared at her intently for any indication. When she finished recording the images, the technician smiled politely as she left the room.

"Can you see anything?" Kate asks Castle nodding toward the screen. He couldn't, he really couldn't. You'd think you'd be able to tell–baby or no baby–but he couldn't. He helplessness shakes his head no. "I'm so sorry, Castle," she says, tears running down her cheeks. "I should have rested more and tried to be less stressed."

"Hey," Rick says as he wipes away her tears. "This is not your fault. We don't even know what this is yet, either. But still, none of this is your fault. It's out of your control and it's out of mine."

Before Kate can respond, the OB attending arrives, the nurse from Dr. Lauer's office alongside her.

"Hi, Kate?" She asks as she walks into the room. Kate nods to confirm as the doctor makes her way to the bedside with the ultrasound monitor. "I'm Doctor McCarthy and I'm the OB attending on-call. Lisa has been getting me up to date on your medical history and the symptoms that brought you in tonight. I need to confirm the results of your ultrasound and perform a physical exam. Is that okay with you?"

Kate consents to the exam and also confirms that she'd like Castle to stay with her, which the Doctor is happy to accommodate. She asks Kate a few questions, Rick too, and they, unfortunately, end up recounting most of the tumultuous last hour or so. Finally, Doctor McCarthy sits down next to Kate and says what both of them already knew.

"I'm so sorry to confirm, Kate, you are having a miscarriage."

Even if they'd both highly suspected, hearing it out loud hit them like a ton of bricks. Even though they had a million questions, they were both silent, frozen, except for the tears rolling down their cheeks. Once they'd finally mustered the resolve, Doctor McCarthy talked them through what to expect next. She also gave them a few different treatment options. One was to do nothing and allow Kate to continue to expel the remaining tissue at home. The other was to do a D and C, a procedure that effectively completed the miscarriage surgically. The doctor also explained that both options were safe, but that a D and C could address any concerns of future complications with the miscarriage. Rick had never felt more passive about something in his life. Of course, he never wanted to impose on his wife's bodily autonomy, but in this situation, he couldn't even muster an opinion. Actually, he could. He wanted to do whatever Kate wanted to do, but he also wanted to do whatever was safest for Kate.

"I'll give you some privacy to think about what you want to do," the doctor says before leaving the room.

"Castle, I...what should I do?" Kate asks. "I don't even know what I want to do."

"Well, um, I don't think I can decide this for you," Rick says. "But I think it could be best to avoid any more complications."

"What if something goes wrong with the procedure?" Kate asks. "What if I can't...what if I can't have kids after this?"

"Honey, we knew when we started trying that you might not be able to and we were okay with it. I think, as hard as that sounds, we need to be okay with it now, too," Rick says.

"Okay, then, let's do the D and C," Kate confirms. "And Rick, I'm sorry I lost our baby."

"Kate," Rick sighs. All he does is stand up and plant a salty kiss on her forehead before he goes to tell the doctor their decision. Within minutes, they are prepping Kate for the procedure. Nurse Lisa brings Rick to the waiting room, but before he takes a seat, a flash of red hair walking down the hallway catches his eye.

"Oh, Richard!" Martha exclaims as she embraces her son. "How's Katherine?"

"They're taking her for a procedure to...to complete the miscarriage," he explains before fully bursting into tears.

"Oh, my son, my poor son," Martha sighs as she comforts Rick, softly caressing his head as he cries into her shoulder. "Katherine is so strong, she will get through this."

"I know Kate will get through this, but I don't know if I will," he admits. "With everything we've been through, and with Ruby, and now this? I don't know if my heart can take it."

"Richard, look at me," Martha says matter-of-factly. "Yes, Katherine is strong. But it is your strength that has never ceased to amaze me. I am so proud of you for all you have done to be the emotional rock for this family, and I know you will continue to be that for a long time still. But kiddo, it is okay to lose it at a time like this."

Kate was discharged from the hospital just a few hours later with instructions to "take it easy" for the next few days and to call if any symptoms arose. It was as if she had been diagnosed with a cold or a sprained ankle, not as if she'd just experienced one of the most devastating things that can happen to a parent. Even as she walked arm and arm with her loving husband, alongside her mother-in-law, and with the knowledge that millions of other women experience pregnancy loss every year, she still felt utterly alone. Rick guided her toward the Emergency Room exit when she turned to him with a realization.

"Do you think it's too late to go visit Ruby?"

Rick shrugs as he looks down to confirm the time. "It's not even 8 o'clock yet, so I bet we can."

"I'd really like to see her," Kate sniffles. "Is Alexis still with her, too?" Martha nods with a smile and the three adults turn around to take the elevator to the pediatric floor.

"Kate?" Alexis says as soon as Kate appears in the doorway. Ruby looks up from her book and a smile fills her cheeks from ear to ear.

"Mom!" she exclaims, excitedly at first, but once she realizes what her mom being able to come see her means, the smile turns to a frown.

Martha motions for Alexis to join her and her father in the hallway so that Kate and Ruby could have a moment of privacy. As she does, she wraps her arms around her dad and whispers her condolences.

"Are you okay?" Ruby asks as Kate comes to sit next to her bedside, her cheeks and eyelids still puffy from the emotional turmoil of the evening.

"No," Kate admits. She grabs Ruby's hands and interlocks their fingers. "But I will be."

Ruby fights off tears for a moment, but Kate assures her that it's okay to be sad. "I was really excited about the baby," the girl sighs.

"Me too," Kate chuckles through tears. "I'm sorry that I missed your calls earlier."

"It's okay...you were...busy," Ruby says. "I didn't have much to talk about anyway."

"Well, I know Martha and Alexis were here with you so that can't be true," Kate tries to lighten the mood. "So, how about you tell me about it tomorrow morning when dad and I come with breakfast?"

"Deal," Ruby nods.

Kate brings their hands to her lips and kisses Ruby softly. "I love you so much, Rubes."

"I love you very much, too."

As Rick witnesses the tail end of the conversation between his wife and daughter, he has to step back out into the hallway. Kate follows shortly behind and they both fall into each other's arms. They had both tried to shield Ruby from how truly devastated they were, so they waited until they were out of sight.

They are both completely exhausted by the time they get back home, but neither Rick nor Kate can imagine they'll get much sleep tonight. Rick wordlessly clamors to the kitchen to put away the uneaten chicken parmigiana as Kate walks with zombie-like posture to the bedroom. She nonchalantly flicks on the bathroom light switch, the state of the tile catching her completely off guard. When Rick makes his way into the room nearly ten minutes later, he finds her curled up against the shower door, staring catatonically except for the salty water rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh, Kate," Rick cries when he sees her.

"I forgot," Kate says. "I forgot about the floor."

"I know. It's okay," Rick says. "Let's get you out of here. We can sleep upstairs, or I can get us a hotel room."

He reaches out his hand but she pushes it down. "No, no, uh, could you get me the mop bucket?"

"Kate, you shouldn't have to...no, you're not doing that. I'll get the cleaning crew in here first thing in the morning."

"No, Castle! Please? Just let me do this," Kate insists.

"Okay, okay, I'll get it," Rick backs off. He leaves and returns with the mop bucket. "Do you want some help?"

Kate ignores his question and grabs the bucket. She it with soap and warm water and gets on her knees and starts to scrub the puddle of blood off the floor. Rick doesn't know what to do so he stands watch in the doorway until he hears his wife's sobs as she continues to clean.

"Kate, please, you don't need to do this," Rick pleads.

She sits on her hands and knees, bawling her eyes out over the stain on the tile floor. "I can't, I can't," she chokes out between her sobs. "I have...to...do something." Eventually, Rick joins her back on the floor and pulls her into his chest.

"I just want to feel in control of something," she finally says after a long moment of silent sobbing. "Does that make sense?"

"No," Rick says, finding the perfect time to infuse light into the one of their darkest days. They both chuckle through their tears. "Of course it makes sense, Kate. I love you so much and I'm glad you're okay."

"I love you, too, babe," Kate says, squeezing Castle's hand. "I'm gonna finish cleaning the floor."

As Rick watched Kate clean up her own blood, he wondered if she was losing it. But then he remembered his mother's words of wisdom from earlier that evening.

It is okay to lose it at a time like this.