Jackson runs his hand over his face as he looks in the mirror. Somehow 12 hour shifts leave him more exhausted than the 20 hour ones. Probably because of the start time. Today, he came in at 4 AM, meaning he had to be up at 3. Mark made him go to bed at 7 the night before but he snuck in some study time and didn't fall asleep until 11. Despite a nap in the on call room around 10 AM, he is thankful for his day off tomorrow. Soon enough, he'll have more days off. It'll mean longer shifts but he'll take that trade.
He hikes his backpack over his shoulder and exits the locker room. Mark is waiting on him. This whole arrangement has gone on for 5 days now, with Jackson not dropping once. No one has caught onto them living together and they still haven't found the proper excuse for that yet. The most they've come up with is Jackson's car is in the shop, so they're carpooling for now.
That'll only last so long. Jackson doesn't want to think about next steps.
"Hey, ready to go?" Mark asks.
Jackson nods. "More than ready."
"Let's get out of here."
The two of them head out to the parking lot. Jackson spots Derek and Alex waiting by the car. The little one is wearing a long sleeved t-shirt with a train printed across the front. A pacifier is clipped to it, the nipple in Alex's mouth. That explains why both were absent today. As chief, Derek can do work from home, meaning he stays with Alex more.
Jackson lingers as he watches Meredith head over to them. Alex starts jumping up and down, a huge smile on his face.
"Mommy!"
He only runs into her arms once she's close enough. She hugs him tight, pressing big kisses to his cheeks. Alex giggles, trying to give her some of his own.
Jackson bites his lip. How can Alex, stubborn, sarcastic, former manwhore Alex, feel so free to be this little in public? Not just in public, but around their colleagues nonetheless.
How does one find such bravery? How do they get comfortable enough?
Jackson isn't sure he ever will.
A clap on the shoulder causes him to jump. He turns around and faces Mark. Instantly, Jackson wants to duck his head given the pity in his eyes. Mark gently taps his chin.
"Let's go home, hm?"
Jackson nods in agreement. Still, he glances back at the Shepherd-Grey family. Alex is being strapped into his car seat while Meredith fusses over him.
Jackson clears his throat and gets into the passenger seat. Mark starts the car and pulls out of the lot. Jackson stares out the window, watching the city go by.
"Buddy?"
Jackson doesn't face him. "Yeah?"
"I think you need to drop."
Jackson gnaws on his lip. "I don't feel little."
"Yes, but that stems from you holding it in."
"I dropped that night you found out."
"Barely, and just for a few moments. I've seen this before, with Littles who were forced into those programs." Jackson's stomach turns. "They need a little help. So, if you want, I can help you."
Jackson finally looks up. They've stopped at a red light. Mark's eyes are sincere, kind. Jackson still isn't used to it.
He can only mumble his reply. "How?"
"Well, I think if I just start treating you like one, it'll help you get comfortable and in the right space."
"You really think that will work?"
"How do you feel when I spoon feed you? Or tell you to go to bed?"
Jackson tries to hide his smile. As annoying as it is, he doesn't get upset with Mark.
"I…I don't hate it," he offers.
Mark chuckles. He pulls forward as the light turns green. "Then, we'll get started. You'll take a break from studying tonight and let me take care of you."
Jackson wants to argue. He only has 9 more days until the boards exam. If he wants to pass he needs all the studying he can get…
Yet, he also has all of tomorrow. One night won't be the reason why he fails. He thinks of what Mark says. If he's too exhausted, he'll forget all the information.
"I guess we can try it. But if it doesn't work, we can stop, right?"
"Absolutely. I'm never going to force these things on you."
"I know, Mark. I trust you."
He isn't sure, but he wonders if he sees a sparkle of a tear in Mark's eye.
Mark guides Jackson up to the apartment and into the master bedroom. Given the little one showered after his shift, Mark feels comfortable skipping the bath. He pulls out two packages that arrived yesterday from the best, most expensive Littles website on the market.
"Lay on the bed for me," Mark says.
Jackson slowly complies. Mark walks over and removes his shoes then socks. He unbuttons his jeans and slides them off. Mark pulls out a package of diapers. Jackson's face turns bright red. Mark gently rubs his tummy.
"It's okay, you're not going to be in trouble if you use them. These are for little boys."
"Not little," Jackson mumbles.
Mark smiles. "You're not?" Jackson nods. "Well, we'll see. Maybe you won't need them!"
Mark is quick to remove his boxers. He lifts Jackson's legs in the air and slides the diaper under his bottom. It's got little Disney characters printed across it. Jackson's already sticking his thumb in his mouth. Mark gently takes it out. Jackson whines.
"That's yucky, not good for you. Don't worry. I have something that will help."
Mark grabs some cream and rubs it onto Jackson's bottom to prevent a rash. Jackson kicks his legs from the cold, Mark just barely dodging them. He tapes up the diaper nice and tight.
"There we go! What a good boy you were!" Jackson ducks his head, a shy smile on his lips. "Let's get you dressed. I think we can go with jammies right now, hm? Those will be comfy. Can you lift your arms up for me?" Jackson nods and does as asked. "Aw, that's my good boy."
Jackson hides his face in the pillow. Mark moves it so he can take off the t-shirt. He reaches into the other package and pulls out some footie pajamas. They're white with little ducklings all over. The selling point to Mark is that they snap, making it easy for diaper checks.
Mark is careful when dressing him. Jackson wiggles a little.
"Almost done, Ducky," Mark says, buttoning them up. "Then we can go play."
"Play?" Jackson asks, his voice curious.
"Yup! I've got lots of toys for you."
Jackson stills a little. He looks unsure. Mark nods, knowing it may take some time. He finishes up the snaps and grabs the last part, a pacifier that matches the pajamas. He clips the leash to it. Jackson eyes it as if it's a bomb.
"This way, if you need it, it's right there." Mark kisses his forehead. "There, all done! You were such a good baby!"
The little one ducks his head again. Mark holds back a sigh. This is going to take some time.
Jackson rolls out of bed, landing on his feet. He tries to take a few steps, but the weight of the diaper and the footed pajamas cause him to slide a little. Mark straightens him out.
"Just take it slow. Do you wanna hold my hand?"
Jackson nods, taking it. Mark leads him down the hall to the living room. He intended on asking Jackson about all of this anyway, so he left out some toys, including his puppy in the living room. Mark has Derek of all people to thank for starting the conversation. It's all about timing.
Jackson grabs his puppy and holds it tight. Mark has him sit down beside him. He lines up some stacking cups, a few actions heroes and a magna tile set to see what he's interested in. Jackson hesitates, hugging his puppy tighter.
"Which would you like to play with?" Jackson shrugs, putting the puppy's ear in his mouth. "No, no. Let's not do that."
Mark moves the pacifier to his mouth. Jackson starts to spit it out, but Mark returns it.
"Just give it a try."
Jackson moves it around his mouth. Mark holds it in place. Eventually, Jackson latches on, making a sucking noise. Mark smiles as Jackson does.
"Better?" Jackson nods. "I'm so glad. Do you want to pick a toy now?"
Jackson's smile fades as he holds the puppy closer. He buries his face in the top of its head. Mark gently lifts it up. Jackson's eyes are wide and he looks a little scared. Guilt takes over Mark.
"Okay, how about we take a break from toys? We could color or watch a movie?"
Jackson tilts his head. "Cowor?" He lisps behind the pacifier.
Mark nods. "I have some coloring books and crayons."
That seems to pique his interest. Mark guides him over to the kitchen table and sets out the supplies. Jackson selects a Barney coloring book and flips it open. His doggy remains planted on his lap. Mark settles beside him, picking out one with animals. He glances over at Jackson, who seems very intent on coloring in the dinosaur the right shade of purple.
It takes about 10 minutes for him to realize coloring is probably similar enough to studying in his brain. He's sitting with a piece of paper. While not exactly writing, the crayon could arguably be like a pencil or highlighter. Maybe not the healthiest association, but Mark doesn't want to push the toys.
Did he not buy the right ones? He wasn't sure what Jackson would like. Or if Jackson even knew what he'd like. This is new for both of them.
He doesn't want to screw this up. There's no way Jackson is going to trust another caregiver. That means he'll go back to the way things were.
Mark won't let that happen. So, he allows the coloring.
"You like Barney?" Mark asks.
Jackson nods, removing his pacifier. "Wanted to watch it when I was younger…Mama said I was too old."
Mark frowns. He isn't sure exactly when it aired, but he assumes the early 90s. That's around the time there was that huge crisis for the stupid dolls. That'd put Jackson between 8 and 10. Maybe not a young child, but still a kid nonetheless.
"Well, I don't think you're too old for it." Jackson shrugs. "You're not. I used to watch Saturday morning cartoons well into my teens."
Mark doesn't add that sometimes it was the only company he had when his parents would go away and Derek was too busy to hang out.
Jackson shrugs again. Mark waits until he's invested in coloring again to get up and check the DVDs he ordered from the site. He picked a few at random, once again unsure what Jackson would enjoy. He's sure he saw…
Mark smiles when he finds the case. He sets it on the coffee table and goes back over to Jackson. They resume coloring for a bit until the little one puts down the crayons, swinging his legs a little. Mark checks the clock. They have a little time before dinner. He pre ordered a pizza, knowing it would be easier than cooking.
"How about we watch a movie?" Mark suggests.
Jackson nods, holding out his hand. Mark leads him into the living room and watches him settle on the couch before sitting beside him. He presses play on the DVD. Jackson's face lights up at the sight of the purple dinosaur. Mark grins, wrapping an arm around him. Jackson is enamored with the screen, giggling at the songs and kicking his legs. He clings to his doggy tight. Mark watches him more than the movie, delighted in how happy he is.
Then the knock to the door comes. Jackson's smile quickly fades and he jumps, bolting down the hall. Mark sighs, shutting off the TV. He heads to the door and finds the delivery guy on the other side. Mark tries to hold back the annoyance. It's not this guy's fault in the slightest and yet…it spooked his little one.
Once the man is paid, Mark places the pizza on the table. He cuts up a couple of pieces for Jackson and puts it on a plate with cartoon fish.
Mark heads down the hall and into Jackson's room. He sees a lump under the blankets.
"Jackson?" Nothing. "Ducky, they're gone. It was just the pizza." Still nothing. Mark sighs. "No one from work is here. I promised you I wouldn't tell anyone, right? Not until you're ready?"
There's some movement. Mark walks over and sits on the foot of the bed. The top of Jackson's head pops out. His voice comes out in a mumble.
"Gone?"
Mark nods, then realizes he can't see him. "Yes, buddy. They're gone."
Jackson slowly climbs out from under the covers, still clinging tightly to his stuffed animals. His eyes are filled with worry and his pacifier is back in his mouth. In spite of the circumstances, Mark is more than glad he took to it.
"How about some pizza?"
Jackson tilts his head. "P'za?"
"Yup. I got meat lovers, your favorite."
Jackson holds his arms out. Mark grins and picks him up, hoisting him onto his hip. Caregivers and Littles are built a little different. Jackson is tall and proves some difficulty, but not much.
The little one buries his head into Mark's shoulder as he carries him into the kitchen. Mark sets him down in a chair and grabs a bib off the drying rack. Jackson makes a face.
"Not a baby."
"I know, but I'd hate for your jammies to get all messy."
Jackson lets out a dramatic sigh as it's put into place behind his neck. Mark chuckles, pushing the plate in front of him. Jackson doesn't hesitate to start eating. Mark gets him a sippy cup with water and a beer for himself. The two eat in silence for a bit. Jackson is indeed a messy eater. The sauce is smeared across his face and cheese drips down his chin.
"Enjoying it?" Mark asks as Jackson takes big sips of whatever.
"Uh huh! Pizza's so yummy!"
"I'll have to keep that in mind. And what a good boy, drinking your water."
Jackson beams under the praise. Mark cuts up another slice for him. Jackson eats a good chunk of it before declaring he's full. Mark grabs some wipes and gets to work on cleaning his face. Jackson wiggles and makes faces.
"I know, I'm so mean. I want a clean baby boy," Mark coos, rubbing the sauce off his forehead. How had he managed to get it up there?
Jackson stops wiggling and his eyes grow wide. Mark tilts his head.
"I was just joking, buddy."
Jackson tries to get down. He pushes Mark's hands away and whines.
"Jackson, I have to clean your face."
Jackson is suddenly whining harder. He kicks his legs and starts smacking Mark's hands instead of just pushing.
"Hey," Mark's voice gets firm. Jackson's eyes get bigger, growing wet. "We do not hit."
Jackson stills. A few tears fall down his cheeks.
Mark sighs. "You need your face wiped…"
Jackson shakes his head. "P…potty."
"You have to go potty?" He looks down. Realization hits Mark. "You already did?"
Jackson goes quiet. Mark nods, rubbing his back.
"It's okay, you're okay." Jackson shakes his head. "Buddy, you're not in trouble. I'm not upset with you."
"For babies," he whispers.
"It's okay to be a baby."
Tears fall quickly down Jackson's face. He rubs at his eyes. Mark gently moves him to his lap and presses a kiss to his temple.
"Shhh, it's okay. You're not in trouble. I knew this might happen."
"Bad boy," Jackson mumbles.
"You're not a bad boy," Mark assured him. "Don't think that way about yourself. You're little. Little boys have accidents. That's why they wear protection, huh?"
Jackson sniffles, rubbing at his nose. Mark grabs a tissue, wiping his nose. He whispers for him to blow, praising him when he does so.
"Can I change your diaper please?" Jackson nods. "Let's head back to my room."
This diaper change is quieter than the first. Jackson sucks on his pacifier. Mark isn't sure what else can be said. He could parrot that Jackson isn't bad or in trouble, but that isn't helping.
At this rate will Jackson even want to drop again?
"There all done," Mark announces once he buttons up the pajamas. "You wanna go watch more Barney?" Jackson shakes his head. "We could watch something else."
"Guess," Jackson mutters.
Mark leads him back into the living room. Jackson curls up on the couch, pulling a blanket around himself. Mark goes into the kitchen and grabs a bottle off the drying rack. He isn't even sure if Jackson will want one. Maybe he won't stay Little much longer.
He failed at this. Just as he does most things. Surgery is about all he's good at.
Why is it so important to him that this works? Jackson keeps asking. Mark references Sloan and the baby. He's not sure he even believes that. They weren't ever meant to be around him. He clung tight…and for what?
Mark finds the special formula for littles and carefully measures it out. He puts the bottle with water into the warmer for a minute before mixing it together. He heads into the living room. Some cartoon he doesn't recognize is on the TV. He settles beside Jackson on the couch.
The little one's eyes are bloodshot, his face stained with tears. He looks up at Mark, biting his lip. Mark holds up the bottle.
"Might help calm you down."
Jackson reaches out, then hesitates. Mark adjusts him so he's sitting on his lap. He removes the pacifier and replaces it with the bottle. Jackson doesn't latch on, rather his teeth bite the nipple.
"It's kind of like your binky," Mark explains. "You just suck on it." Jackson wiggles a bit. "You don't have to drink, but it's good for you. You'll be big and strong." Jackson still hesitates. "Stronger than Alex."
That seems to be enough motivation. Mark holds back a laugh as Jackson begins to suck on the nipple. He bounces his leg a bit. Jackson leans back against his shoulder and leans up to play with the scruff on Mark's chin.
Mark lets out a deep breath. Maybe this didn't go so terrible.
He doesn't think of the other hurdles, such as their colleagues finding out or what will happen when Jackson inevitably has to go to daycare. He pushes out the thought of Jackson being away from him for 3 days with his boards exams.
Instead, he bounces his leg and watches as an anxious little boy drinks his bottle.