This has quite a bit of canon dialogue from 8x21! But I've also altered quite a bit of the plot line here.
Trigger warning: Mentions of vomit. Nothing graphic, but it is discussed.
For those who wanted to see Jackson Alex as well as Derek & Mark, you'll get a double dose in this chapter!
It's like the first day of kindergarten. Nervous doctors stand with their residents by a large charter bus. The residents carry their bags filled with books, notecards and everything else they'll need for 2 days away from home.
Except, this bus isn't bringing them to school where they'll fingerprint and learn to read. They're not standing at the end of their street.
No, they gather in the ambulance launch bay. This bus will take them to Seattle-Tacoma International Airport where they'll board a flight to San Francisco.
In a matter of 24 hours, the fate of their futures will be decided by a panel.
Jackson is over taking paper tests, but those at least have a specific model. There's 5 options, with one, obvious correct answer.
These exams are oral. Meaning if you don't explain yourself or get caught in a trap, there's no going back. At least there's three cases. If you flub one, there's two others.
Though, it means you can't even think about messing up on them.
Jackson fiddles with his phone to make sure that he has his boarding pass. He clicks through to then see the movies he downloaded. It's only a 2 hour flight, but he's sitting next to April. The last thing he needs is to get caught up in a rambling, crying conversation where he has to console her.
As it is, she's already a monsoon as she babbles to Owen Hunt. The veteran doctor has seen combat and even he's struggling to calm her down.
Not that Jackson can hear exactly what they're saying. Mark stands next to him, talking his ear off.
"Now have salmon for dinner. And tell room service to make sure it's not frozen. You lose Omega-3s if it's frozen."
Jackson doesn't look up from his phone. Mark has been giving him advice since the night before. Jackson realized the only way he'd get any studying done is by just tuning him out. Mark's advice constantly boils down to "it's all mind over matter". Jackson wishes it was that simple.
He can tell Mark is nervous. Jackson hasn't dropped in a couple of days. They've already discussed a game plan if he does. Richard Weber is going to act as an examiner for another hospital. Should Jackson drop, Weber will call Mark, who will fly down.
At Jackson's insistence, that is the only reason Mark is allowed in San Francisco. He offered to move around patients and trade shifts to be there, but Jackson won't hear of it. People are realizing they live together but they've brushed it off on his place being renovated. How is he supposed to explain why Mark is following him to California?
Mark acts like an anxious first-time parent dropping their child off for kindergarten. Not anxious because Jackson will embarrass the family, but just that…he'll miss him.
As annoying as he's being right now, Jackson finds comfort in that.
"Avery," Mark snaps him back to reality. "Are you listening to me?"
"I'm trying not to," Jackson replies, putting his phone in his pocket and adjusting his duffel over his shoulder.
Mark ignores the smart comment. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of bills. "Alright. How are you on cash? I figured you needed some."
Neither doctors are struggling for money, but Jackson is the wealthiest in this bay. Still, he accepts the money, knowing this is Mark's way of looking out for him. He stuffs into a safe place in his duffel.
"Call me when you get there," Mark says. "And before you go to bed. I may not answer, I'm working until 2 AM. But leave me a voicemail."
"You are aware I'm not going to bed at 10, correct?"
Mark rolls his eyes. "We'll be back on our old routine when you get back. What time is your first session tomorrow?"
"10 AM."
"Good. Try to get some sleep. And adhere to no drinking or caffeine. That'll keep you as sharp as possible."
"We've been through all of this about 10 times, Mark."
Jackson looks up in time to see Derek walking out onto the bay with his wife and son. Arizona is trailing behind, giving Alex a pep talk. Meredith gently but firmly shoos her away. Derek holds Alex by the shoulders, a smile on his face as he says something that can't be heard from so far away. Alex squirms a bit, clearly embarrassed. Still, he smiles and nods. Derek kisses his forehead.
A twinge of jealousy shoots through Jackson's stomach. Alex hasn't dropped and still, he has the freedom to be loved on and slightly babied right here in the ambulance bay. Jackson knows he could have that, but it's not the same. Alex doesn't have the same to lose as he does.
Once again, he's left to wonder if he'll ever feel as free, as comfortable as Alex does?
Meredith is coming with them. She's taking her boards too. Something tells Jackson that if she didn't have to, either her or Derek would still come along. Alex wouldn't be thrilled, but he'd allow it.
Jackson wonders what it's like to feel so secure in your classification. It's not as if he can even ask. Weber knowing the truth is enough of a risk.
"You're going to do great," Mark says, clapping him on the shoulder. "You've got this in the bag."
"I kind of have to, right? Or no more Plastics Posse."
"Plastics Posse isn't going anywhere, regardless." Mark gives him a small smile. "I believe in you, bud. And no matter the results, I'll be proud."
Jackson nods, warmth filling his stomach. Failure isn't an option. He can't let anyone down. Still, there's something safe about knowing Mark is here.
Mark looks around for a moment before giving him a quick hug. Jackson doesn't want to let go. Alex gets a big cuddle from both of his parents.
Mark isn't his dad. This situation isn't even defined yet.
People are going to notice if he hangs on too tight or too long.
So, Jackson lets go.
"Thanks," he says. "See you in a couple of days."
"Call me," Mark says, raising a brow.
"I will, I promise."
Jackson walks onto the bus, picking a seat towards the back. He watches as the other hopeful resident s board the bus. Alex ducks into the seat across from him, stretching out his legs. Meredith and Cristina are a few rows ahead, already with their study materials out. Owen has finally gotten April to board the bus, but she's still crying. Little by little, the rest of the residents trickle in. Their attending stand there with hopeful, nervous looks on their faces. They're sending their baby resident s out into the world, knowing however they turn out is a reflection of them.
Not that there's any pressure in that at all.
Meredith throws up within 10 minutes of them arriving at the hotel. Suddenly, 5 resident s who have spent years preparing for this moment, act like they've never seen vomit before.
"You have the stomach flu?!" Jackson asks incredulously, when she admits she's felt sick all morning. "And you didn't say anything?"
"How could you?" April cuts in. "Are you trying to sabotage us all?"
Even ill, Meredith does not look like one to be messed with. "It's not like I have the black plague."
"You are supposed to be our friend!"
Meredith rolls her eyes. "April calm down." She takes a step forward, reaching for her bag.
Alex shakes his head, eyes wide. "You stay right where you are, Typhoid Mary!"
"Alex, you do realize you live with her," Cristina points out, sounding annoyed. "If she has it, you could too."
"I don't feel sick. And if I did, there's no way she or my dad would let me be here right now."
"I thought it was just nerves," Meredith argues, her voice weak. "Look, it'll pass quickly."
"Maybe you should go home," Jackson says, looking her up and down. Her skin has a greenish hue and her eyes have dark circles under them. "You can always take them next year."
"No! Look, I will be just fine." Meredith clears her throat, clearly trying to keep something back. "I'll quarantine in my room until my exams. You all will be fine." She looks at Alex. "We'll get another room for you."
Alex nods. Jackson can see a little guilt on his face. He knocks him on the shoulder.
"Let's register and then we can sort that out, alright?"
Alex nods, glancing at his mom. "Do you want me to call Dad?"
"No. I'll handle it. Just go get me registered."
Cristina gets Meredith settled in a chair before shepherding the group off to the front. Once they're registered for the event, they get ready to check-in. Just as Jackson is getting his keys, he hears Alex speaking with the receptionist beside his own.
"What do you mean there's no rooms left?"
"Sir, the hotel sold out awhile ago when everyone registered for the test," she explains. "We're completely sold out."
"The person I'm supposed to room with has the stomach flu. I can't stay with her."
"I'd offer to help you find another hotel but I believe they're also booked."
Alex runs his hand over his face. Jackson hesitates. He booked this room long before Mark discovered his secret, but his reason for not going in half with anyone was in case he dropped. The last thing he needs is some nosy resident figuring out what's going on with him.
He also knows that Alex has fought just has hard as he has to keep up with this program. He's been through hell these past few years. Odds are, he may be infected already but there's a greater chance he's not. Meredith worked the night before while Alex was home. They didn't sit near each other on the plane or the bus. He probably won't pass anything on.
Jackson's hidden this part of himself long enough, he can manage another night.
"Hey, man," Jackson pulls Alex to the side. "Why don't you stay in my room?"
Alex raises a brow. "Are you sure?"
"It's got two beds. Besides, we can help each other study."
"I don't know. You're not gonna bring any girls back to the room, right?"
Jackson rolls his eyes. "No. Here." He reaches into the small envelope the receptionist gave him and holds out the extra key. "You can put your stuff in there." Alex starts to take it, but Jackson pulls it back. "No more calling Meredith names."
"Don't tell me how to speak to my own mom, alright?" Jackson doesn't change his face. Alex sighs, nodding. "Got it. Capisce. Thanks." He takes the key from him.
A familiar, far away voice gets the hairs of Jackson's neck to stand up. "Baby!"
Jackson inhales then exhales as he turns around. His mother walks towards him, a wide smile on her face. Jackson's stomach flip flops.
Catherine Fox is a short woman, with a larger than life personality. She commands every room she walks into. Everyone either adores her or fears her.
For his entire life, Jackson has tiptoed the line between the two.
"Oh no."
"Dude, is that your mom?" Alex asks.
Jackson doesn't have time to respond before Catherine walks over. She's already talking a mile a minute. "I know. I know you don't want to see your mother before the boards."
He doesn't. He told her not to come. Why in the hell can't she ever just listen?
"They are wearing this old girl out! Got me examining three sessions tomorrow!"
All Jackson can do is nod, staying in one spot.
"I might not see you, but I had to say good luck!"
She gives air kisses, making that little "mwah" sound. Jackson squirms a little.
"Thank you, Mom," he mutters.
"Oh!" Catherine snaps her fingers. "I brought it." She begins digging through her purse.
Jackson clears his throat. Alex is staring at him with intrigue, a smirk on his face. "No, it's fine."
"You don't…" She shakes her head. "It's in here somewhere."
"That's fine, it's okay."
Why is she doing this? Why does she always do this?
"That's what you always say, but you always want it in the end." She finally pulls out a pencil, a proud smile on her face. "There you go!"
She forces Jackson's palm open and places it inside.
"I'm in room 809 if you need any help studying," she says.
"Alright," Jackson says, hoping the conversation can end now.
"Excuse me."
She gives him another air kiss before walking off. Jackson tucks the pencil into his duffel. Alex snickers.
"I thought for a minute your mommy brought your binky," he teases.
Jackson rolls his eyes. "Did Meredith bring yours?"
Alex stops laughing and glares at him. "You know this is an oral test, right?"
"Yes! I know, okay? It's just, I used it for my SATS, my MCATS and my resident exam."
"So…it's your binky."
Not one he wants. His mom is the one convinced it's some superstitious tool. She's the one to put it in his head that he needs it. That's why it's at her place and not his. He was surprised she hadn't mailed it to him. Now, he realizes she wanted to make a scene here.
His mom is here. She'll probably know his results before he does.
How in the world is any of this fair?
He wants to do one thing, just one thing, where his family's mark isn't on it. Where he can prove he's more than just the Avery name.
Guess that's still not possible.
"Let's just go to our room and put our stuff away," he says. "I think April wants to grab lunch."
Jackson is so tied up in his studying that he doesn't realize Alex isn't for about an hour. When he finally looks up, he finds his friend checking his phone.
"Waiting on your daddy to text you?"
Alex scoffs. "Doesn't your mom have a magical pen she needs to give you?"
Jackson doesn't acknowledge the pencil sitting next to his notecards. "What are you doing?"
"Arizona's supposed to text me about Tommy's surgery. She hasn't."
"You think she's really going to?"
"He's my patient."
"He's hers right now."
Alex shakes his head, biting his lip. Jackson drops his notecard and regards him for a minute. Alex is such a jerk, there was a long time when he wondered why he was bothering to go into pediatrics. You need a heart for that. Well, you need a heart for every type of medicine, but especially kids.
Somehow, Alex is different with the smaller humans, alongside their parents. He's grown a connection to Morgan and baby Tommy. The fact that the surgery aligns with the boards is just bad luck.
"It's not that easy," Jackson acknowledges. "They say don't get attached. But in order to be a good doctor, we have to be."
Alex nods, fiddling with his phone. "I think I'm going back."
"And miss your exams?"
"No. They're not until 10 tomorrow. I'll have plenty of time to fly to Seattle, be there for the surgery and then come back."
Jackson consults the time on his phone. It's already 1 PM. Even if Alex got the next flight out, odds are he wouldn't get to Seattle until almost 4. Factor in how long it'd take to get back to the airport…would he even make it for the surgery?
The determination in Alex's eyes doesn't seem to care about all of that.
Alex grabs his unpacked bag. "Don't tell anyone, alright?"
"Wait…"
"Mom is quarantined. She'll text me to check in but she won't actually look. The rest are too busy studying."
"What am I supposed to do if someone asks where you are?"
"Get creative. Look, I'll either be back late tonight or early this morning."
"Alex…"
"This last surgery could kill him!" Alex snaps. "He is my patient! I am not going to leave Morgan alone if that happens. Now, are you going to help me or are you going to argue?"
Jackson sees the fire in his eyes. He's had patients like that. The ones who imprint themselves on your entire soul. You can't eat, sleep or breathe without thinking of them.
There's no way Alex will pass if he stays.
"I've got your back," Jackson says."
Alex grins. "Owe ya one."
He slips out the door. Jackson looks back at his cards. There better not be a question on what to do if a patient wants to leave. He's clearly easily persuaded.
Mark used to make fun of Derek when he'd get anxious about Alex working different shifts or going long stretches without him. He sounded like such a "dad". What happened to the fun Derek? Now, he was all serious and "daddy-like". He's always worried about Alex eating well. If he's overworking himself or too sad. Derek's gotten wrinkles over this kid.
Mark isn't making fun of him this time.
All he can think of is Jackson. He's as attentive as he can be with his patient. Still, his mind floats back to the same questions.
"Is he eating?"
"Is he studying too much?"
"Did he bring that jacket? Even if it's California, it could be cold!"
God, Mark sounds too much like a dad.
Technically, he already was one. Sloan is his daughter. They don't speak, but he loves her. He wishes her well. In another life, one where he was made aware of her conception, maybe things would be different.
She doesn't want a dad. Jackson needs a dad.
Mark is slowly realizing he needs to be a dad himself.
Who knows if Jackson will ever look at him as one?
"You okay?" Derek asks as they settle in the cafeteria for lunch.
"Why would you ask me that?"
"Because you've been uncharacteristically quiet today. I sort of miss my obnoxious friend."
Mark rolls his eyes, stabbing his fork into his pasta salad. "I can never keep up with you. Either I'm being a jackass and you hate it or I'm nice and you still hate it."
"I guess I've kept you around 30 years for a reason," Derek muses.
He glances at his phone. Mark takes a sip of his water.
"Any word from Mer and Alex?"
Derek shakes his head. "Not since they landed. I mean, I probably shouldn't worry, right? They're studying."
"Probably."
"And they're sharing a room so Meredith would know if anything happened to Alex."
"You sound so sure," Mark deadpans.
Derek sighs. "It's hard. I didn't think I'd ever be the nervous dad who looks at the phone a million times, but this is the furthest Alex has been away from me." He shakes his head again. "I don't expect you to understand."
Mark wants to say that he does. Ask how Derek isn't giving into the urge to call Meredith and check up on his kid. How he agreed to stay behind and not follow them?
Instead, he looks up and raises a brow.
"Um, Der," Mark nods towards the window. "He may be closer than you think."
Derek follows his line of sight. Alex is coming out of the resident locker room, wearing scrubs. Derek jumps up from the table, his food slamming down with it. He rushes out of the room. Mark quickly dumps out their mess before running behind.
"Alexander Michael Shepherd!" Derek snaps as he catches his son.
Alex's eyes are wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. Mark hangs back, wishing he had some popcorn.
"Da…Dad…" Alex manages to get out. "I can explain."
"Oh, I hope you can. What are you doing here?"
"I tried to make it in time for Tommy's surgery. I'm late, but I'm still going to observe…"
"You're not observing anything until you talk to me. When did you get here?"
"About 20 minutes ago."
"You and your mother didn't think to inform me you were flying back alone?"
"Well…to be fair to Mama…"
Alex trails off. Mark lets out a low whistle off the vein that pops out of Derek's forehead.
"You snuck on a plane without telling either of us?"
"She was busy," Alex argues.
"Doing what? How busy could she be that she didn't realize you were gone?"
"The kind of busy where she's throwing up." Derek throws up his hands in exasperation. Alex sighs. "Mama has the stomach flu. She said not to tell you because you'd worry. So, I'm staying in Jackson's room."
That gets Mark's attention. "Jackson? He knew you left?"
"Yeah, but I told him to keep quiet." Alex looks back at Derek. "I know you're pissed. But this surgery is too important. I've been working with Morgan and Tommy for weeks. I'll be back in San Francisco by tomorrow for my boards."
"I don't care about the boards," Derek says. "I care that you're safe and I know where you are at all times." He scrubs his hand over his face. "We're calling your mother. Then, I'll take you to the surgery."
Alex looks a little nervous at the prospect of talking to Meredith. Derek grasps his shoulder, leading him away. Mark ducks down a quiet corridor and removes his phone from his pocket.
Two rings, then voicemail.
Three rings, voicemail again.
Finally, one ring and he hears a familiar voice.
"Mark, I'm trying to study."
"Good for you. Hey, little math question. If 5 residents go to San Francisco and 1 flies back alone…"
"Mark…"
"No, no, I'm not done. If 1 flies back alone and another knows but doesn't say anything, how many residents are in trouble?"
A beat of silence. "Are you done?"
"You should've called me the minute Alex left."
"He asked me not to."
"Of course he did! Why would he want Meredith and Derek to know he planned on sneaking back here?"
"Look, I'm not in charge of Alex. He's going to do whatever he likes. If he wants to sneak off and keep secrets, who am I to stop him?"
"It's dangerous, Jackson. There's a reason why Littles aren't supposed to travel alone. I'm surprised they let him."
"I don't know how he figured it out. Maybe his classification status is as high as mine? We've never discussed it."
"Maybe you should. It'd be nice for you to have someone to talk about all this with."
There's a beat of silence. Mark sighs.
"Alright, fine. Be antisocial. You'll have to make friends eventually."
"Sure. Whatever you say."
"You alright?"
"You mean outside you lecturing me like a naughty child?"
Mark shuts his eyes and counts back from 10. "I mean, you sound a little stressed is all."
"I'm over here, cramming as much information as I can. We're supposed to do a group session soon, but April keeps freaking out that she'll fail and locking her door. Cristina's trying to find a way to keep Meredith alive without touching her."
"Yeah, please keep your distance from Grey." Mark frowns. "You don't feel sick, do you?"
"No. I've barely been within 12 feet of her since this morning. I ate a little while ago and feel fine."
Mark feels a little relieved, but not by much.
"Is there a pharmacy nearby? Make sure you get ginger ale and saltines if it does happen."
"I'll be fine."
"That's not what I said."
"I'll get it all. I promise."
Mark frowns. "Is that really all that's bugging you?"
"It's not a big deal."
"Buddy. Come on. You know you can talk to me."
Jackson sighs. Mark adjusts the phone. He's ready to look up flights in 2 seconds…
"My mom is here," Jackson whispers.
Mark frowns. "What?"
"She's one of the examiners. Not mine, obviously. But she's here…and she brought my pencil."
"She brought you a pencil? To an oral exam?"
"It's my "lucky" pencil. It got me through all the big tests in my life. I tell her I don't need it, then she shows up with it anyway. I mean….God, she's here!"
The irritation raises in his voice. Mark wishes he could give him a hug.
"I didn't want her here. I wanted to prove I could do one thing on my own."
"You said yourself she won't be your examiner."
"No, but everyone will know."
"Everyone already knows you're an Avery. Whatever preconceptions she has of you won't change just because Catherine is there."
"That's so much help."
"Is that really what's bothering you? That people will know your mom is there?"
There's a beat of silence.
"I…I don't want her here," he whispers. His voice doesn't sound young, but very vulnerable. "You know I'm stressed enough. I don't want to have to think even more about letting her down."
"You won't let anyone down," Mark says softly.
"If I fail, I'm going to be the family embarrassment. No Avery fails their boards. If I fail and she's here…I can't take the look on her face."
"Listen to me, Jackson," Mark's voice grows firm. "First of all, you will never be an embarrassment. I don't care what your family thinks or says. You have been killing yourself for years for this moment. You have given it everything in you. You're going to pass, but even if you didn't, that's not failing anyone."
"That's exactly what it is."
"No, it's not."
Mark takes a deep breath.
"It means you didn't pass the test. However, you are still loved. You are still wanted. There are people that care about you. Your worth is far more than what you bring to the table as a surgeon."
There's a labored breath on the other end. "Mark…"
"I mean it, Jackson. Your family can think what they want, but you are not defined by this week. You are a good person. If you need some exam to show you your value, you shouldn't be doing this. Because that isn't the reason you become a surgeon. You do it because it's what you want."
Mark bites his lip. He hopes he isn't going too far. He just also can't let him give up.
"I want to be a surgeon," Jackson whispers. "It's what I truly, really want. I'm just scared of letting everyone down."
"Don't do it for anyone except you. Because we're all gonna love you, no matter what."
A pause. "I really don't want her here."
"I know, bud."
"Do you think she did it on purpose?"
"I can't put myself into the mind of Catherine Fox, nor do I wish to." Mark grimaces. "Maybe she really is there to examine. Hopefully she didn't completely disrespect your request and there really was no choice."
"Maybe," Jackson whispers. "Thank you."
"What for?"
"Not coming down here. I know you wanted to. But…"
"You wanted to do it on your own."
Mark doesn't add that he's had the airline website pulled up on his phone since this morning. He's ready to fly out at a moment's notice…
But it will only be when Jackson gives the go ahead.
"I appreciate it," Jackson says.
"I'm glad. Go back to your studying. Please just let me know if anyone else hops back on a plane."
Jackson laughs. "Will do."
"And call me if you need anything."
"Okay." Jackson hesitates. "Mark?"
"Yeah?"
"I…I miss you."
Mark smiles a little. "I miss you too, Ducky. But I'll see you late tomorrow night."
Mark hangs up. His heart feels lighter. His need to see his boy has only intensified.
And there's still one day to go.
Alex doesn't return that night. He texts the group chat that he's catching a flight in the morning. Derek's joining him. He doesn't seem too thrilled there, but Jackson feels he has no one to blame but himself. Did he really not think through how his parents would feel?
Jackson can't help but wonder if Alex got put in timeout. Somehow he can picture him stuck in the corner of Derek's office, with a pout on his face.
That will never, ever be him in Mark's.
Meredith is still sick. Cristina, ever the dramatic, says she looks like she's been possessed by a zombie. So, it's just the two of them and April. The latter manages to stop crying so they can get some work done.
They grab dinner at the hotel bar once they've taken a break. After an hour, Cristina heads back to check on Meredith and get some more studying done. April stays behind when Jackson calls it quits another hour later.
He tries to study some more but all the words are blending together. At this point, if he doesn't know it, he won't.
It's nearing 1 AM. He's been going to bed at 10 for the past couple of weeks. His body moves slowly, exhaustion finally hitting him as he changes into his pajamas.
He's putting himself to bed for the first time in 2 weeks. There's no kisses to the forehead or Mark reminding him he's just down the hall.
He has to tuck his doggy under his own arm and snuggle him close.
In the distance, he hears cheering and yelling. Likely residents intending on taking their exams hungover.
Jackson pulls out his phone and finds some white noise. He cranks it up as loud as he can.
When that still doesn't work, he turns on the TV and flips through the channels.
The only thing that can lull him to sleep is the Scooby Doo marathon on Cartoon Network.