They went up to the Passenger Deck on the ferry. Derek tried to go directly inside, but Meredith pulled him into the open..

"Your legs are bare," he protested.

"I like the cold."

"Not once you're shivering, you don't."

"You brought the heat," she said, holding up the thermos he'd produced, tucked away in a cooler he'd adapted for the opposite purpose. "And the warmth," she added. A thicker coat had also been stashed in the backseat, next to a bag of Christmas cookies. "You put together a date! With snacks!"

"And that date could happen where you won't freeze."

His arguments were valid; the wind off of the water could be chilling on warm, sunny days. The interior was a liminal space, and the night air felt full of potential. The beige seats, the fluorescent overhead lights, the vending machines, everything that screamed public transportation in the closed-off area would cause the glow to disappear.

Logically, that was probably the alcohol, or lack of sleep, or stress; any of a million details that belonged to reality.

Screw reality.

Well, not really. There were still parts of it they needed to face, but wasn't that all the more reason to keep the romance on the periphery?

Whimsy sentiment. Ibut the car had been on the brink of stifling compared to the breeze...wind…semantics.

"I can still take care of myself," she said. "And I can listen." The tiny piece of gray at the front of his hair was fluttering, and she smoothed it down. "You've been looking at me like you wanna say something since we got into the car."

"Yeah, but it can—" She pressed the tree-shaped cookie in her hand against his lips to cut him off.

"It can't wait. Your mom leaves tomorrow. I could get called in again every day you're home, and we have plans for most of the nights. One of your marmosets could have a breakthrough." She ran her finger over the furrows that appeared on his forehead. "I'm just saying. We've been ironing out my issues. It's your turn."

He sighed and then leaned back against the railing. She didn't miss that he was blocking her from as much wind as possible. "My grandmother said more about that thing with the gilded tongues. She said that the snakes might've left Ireland, but there legacy is in the pretty poison dripping from the words of the gilded tongued. That it's especially dangerous when mixed with blarney, and the Shepherds have that, too.

"You know the concept of mithridatism?"

"Taking small doses of poisons in the hope of building immunity."

"That's how we grew up, more able to withstand each other's constant jabs. When I think of how Lizzie and I fought after Dad... We did everything we could to support each other, and give Mom less to worry over, but she resented that I was being singled out by everyone telling me I'd be 'man of the house'—which I hated, because I was twelve. The Jewish kids in my class weren't even being b'nai mitzvahed, I wasn't a man—and that I'd been there. I hated that she could just... Be okay. She wasn't, but all I could see was that she hadn't been there. And we fought it all out over who said what to whom at school. Nothing was off the table.

"You're so strong, Mer. You've taken so much from people. I understand that love and marriage mean we hurt each other sometimes, but when I look back at all I said to you this year...I want to never speak again. But then…there was so much I should've said."

"Are you suggesting I don't give as well as I take?" For a beat he gave her a disgruntled Bert look, and she sighed. "I know it's not a joke. You did... You said stuff. But I did, too, and I misinterpreted..."

He shook his head. "See, that's what I've been thinking about. What you said about the word changing things for Kepner…what I meant doesn't matter nearly as much as what you heard, and... You're such a good mom, you know that, but getting to where you know it took…. You put in so much work that I could've undone."

"I was acting like her."

"Why?"

"Derek..." She drank from the thermos, wishing it was hot enough to burn, but there definitely wasn't enough whiskey in it for that. "Because I wanted to be able to withstand being left for being a career woman. Because I'd fought to be...be her legacy, and my research stalled, and there's Maggie...! And because you pissed me off," she added, shoving the thermos against his chest.

"Fair enough. I didn't know about what Richard said, or Maggie, but...I know she's always your mom to you. And you've more than proved you're not her."

"I'm what she wanted to be. S'pposedly. During the weeks he was 'mentoring' me, Richard said they'd dreamed of having three kids. Buying some house with a freakin' barn. Further from the hospital than I can imagine her agreeing to. Before he knew about Maggie. Said I needed siblings. Like...like they'd really planned on keeping me—So, what he said at the carousel must've been such a blow...but she still…. She kept me. And when she woke up, or whatever, that...that fucking day...saying I didn't have to go to med school—It was huge. If she remembered the fight….When she'd said I wasn't suited for it, I said, well, since she only wanted a daughter who was a surgeon, maybe I wouldn't go. Then I'd never have to see her again—but even if she didn't, it meant she...she wanted me. For a few minutes, I was enough."

She reached over, snatching the eggnog back and almost choking as the gulp she took fought it way down her constricting throat.

"Those words…. They're not just words. They're the person who was with me through everything looked at me like I was a stranger. The person who was supposed to love me most of all implied that I was something they couldn't understand. They threw one of the worst days of my life at me. And you knew, Derek. You knew what it did to me the first time."

"I don't—I don't know what I was thinking."

"You did. In a way, you absolutely wanted that version of me to disappear. To go back to being the simple girl at the bar. And you wanted to hurt me. You just weren't...you don't think beyond saying the words. You didn't consider that I might never be able to get your expression out of my head.…"

"Mer-"

"Listen. You wanna go over it? We're going. My mother said: 'I raised you to be an extraordinary person. What happened to you?' Like I'd lost something in the years I spent getting myself on track. Like all along she'd approved, but the Meredith who left possible freedom to rush to her side, and went to med school—no matter how unsuited I might've been-and got Matched at Seattle Grace...and I wasn't enough. I had no hope of being better than she'd been when she...she was at least willing to risk losing her life."

"What happened to you?' What happened to me is I did it! I'd gotten where she wanted me to be, and now I have the lfie she supposedly wanted with Richard. I don't think she'd be satisfied, but I am. I did it. Without her. I am...I am still her legacy, maybe more than I was her daughter. And I love you. I decided to be extraordinary with you. I don't know what to do when those things pull in opposite directions. You…you made me feel like I should be willing to give everything up for you...like I was supposed to be devastated, the way I was when she said it. But I wasn't, because I am the woman you love, I won't apologize for loving the life we created with our friends, our children., our hospital.

She bit the head off a snowman cookie to make that the end of it. Almost a year after her blow-up with Cristina, she'd felt exactly what her friend had. Yes, she'd changed, and he'd been there for every goddamn step. She'd done most of it in the interest of him, them, their family, and-—

"You are everything she said you were. Passionate. Focused. A force of nature. And I never wanted to take that from you. If you weren't exactly who you are, I could've done so much damage. Your mother told me that men like me only do damage. That we can't stand women being our equals. I don't think it's true, but it felt like it could be, because why else could I have sabotaged relationships with two brilliant women. And I was jealous of Addison. I can see it now. It was exactly what Richard told you. But she and I had the same starting line. You've pulled ahead faster than I could've imagined. I could see your future so clearly, and I hated myself for wanting anything else."

"It's all yours, too. You know that right? Since... since the crash, you've been ready to take off, and I understand. I'm not trying to make you...anything, either, just... when you come home, you'll have me, and the kids, and fly-fishing, and hiking, and Callie, Ben and Bailey-I bet Ben and his sister would let you do nature things with them—Your family is all a few hours from you over there. Invite a niece or nephew to visit and share it with them. You can have a life... beyond what Mark knew of you."

Derek turned toward the water, clasping his hands over the railing. "Part of me didn't want to be able to operate again. It still doesn't make sense to me that he's gone. I always did things first. He was technically a dad first, but Zola is older."

"Sloan Riley—"

"I did say 'dad.'"

"Granted."

"It made sense that I was going to have to find something else. Now...I don't think he'd be all that impressed. Mark wasn't ambitious. He wanted family."

"You were first. The first member of the family he chose. He rolled with the punches. Even yours. There's no way he'd want you to lose anything in retribution, or not live fully, or whatever. He would've had you say yes to Obama in a heartbeat, because it'd be cool. Thinking would've come later."

Derek's laughter was quiet, but it came, and he wrapped his arm around her waist. "He hated how long it took me to make decisions. I almost missed the deadline sending in my deposit for freshman year, and he started taping brochures to my dartboard."

"Were you particularly unpredictable in your throws, because you'd still need to aim."

His smile grew as he shook his head. "He was going to spin Amy around a few times and let her do it. Sometimes... well, I was her big brother, but I'd promised Mom I'd take care of her, and I tried to be Dad... Mark was the brother she needed a lot of the time."

"You're the brother she has. She's good person, the kids adore her, she's a stellar surgeon. With what you were up against? As a kid? You did an incredible job."

Derek's whole being relaxed, and when he kissed her she knew he'd needed to hear that for twenty years or more.

"Maybe don't trust me on that. I'm terrible with sisters." She smiled, sweetly, and he hung his head, his forehead against hers.

At some point while they'd been talking, or maybe before, a group of buskers had set up on the dock. A month or more of constant Christmas music had made even Meredith able to tune them out, but she in the beat of silence she recognized the Keane song. She was surprised when Derek started mouthing the lyrics to her.

"I do know a few songs that weren't recorded by The Clash."

"Yes. You know 'Wonderwall'—Hey, no, mine!" He'd taken both the thermos and the cookies. He put them down a yard or so from their feet and her indignation became bafflement, only increasing when he held his hand out to her.

"You don't dance in public."

"That," he said. "Is why I'm going to follow your lead."

Half an hour later, he turned the Porsche off the paved road that went to the property.

"How much did you pay those guys?" she asked.

"What?"

The trail hadn't been used in months; that there was one was impressive, Meredith only slightly regretted polishing off the cookies so they could toss the bag on the way back to the car.

"Come on, Derek, 'If we have a minute why don't we go/talk about it somewhere only we know?'"

"Oh. Ha!" The bleat of laughter was conspicuously nervous. "I didn't plan that, I swear. I…" He suddenly yanked the knot of his tie.

"What are you doing?"

"Christmas hazing." He looped the fabric around her eyes.

I don't like blindfolds."

"I know. I'm sorry. Do you think…. Could you keep them closed?"

"Don't you trust me?"

"In this situation? Not really. I'm coming around." His door shut.

What the hell was this? They were close to the house, but not visible from it. The overlook? It was beautiful, something she'd never get used to, but she had—She caught Derek's footsteps right before he opened her door, which saved her from emitting a startled scream.

"What'd you do?" she demanded as he guided here out and away from the car.

"Who said I did anything?"

"Last time you Christmas hazed me, you'd set the trailer on fire."

"And I'm where the kids get their dramatics?"

"Go back to Obama." Fuck. Vertigo hit her as soon as the quip was out. It was what she did, she joked to convince herself it'd be okay if the worst happened. He wasn't going to leave her on this trail in the middle of the night, but it wouldn't be long before he did, and she was actually gonna puke from her own stupidity, and she'd ruin whatever this was. Derek was already holding her hands wrapped around her body, the way he used to do walking her out of Joe's. She knew how to angle away from him to the nearest trash receptacle, but before the dizziness progressed, he embraced her fully, putting his chin on her shoulder.

"You're going to have to really mean it to get rid of me, darling. Test the bounds as much as you need to believe that."

"It's not fair. I don't…wanna punish you."

"I deserve it."

Maybe.

"No. You had your consequence. The way things have been."

"You're more than I deserve. And I promise I can withstand anything you have to throw at me. It won't stick. I'm gonna earn back the trust I lost. You just have to be honest. Ready to keep going?"

"Yeah."

They continued this dance; letting him guide her into the unknown was remarkably easy.

"Step up."

"Up? The heck did you do?"

"Step up, and you'll see." He gripped her hand, and her foot landed on something wooden. He came up behind her, bringing one hand to rest on the bridge of her nose. "Three steps forward."

"You didn't say 'Simon Says," she griped, following the direction.

"Simon says on my count. One...Two...Three."

She opened her eyes.

They were on the overlook, closer than where they'd been willing to build a house where children might run out a back door. The floods had been moved out of their backyard, spotlighting the grass around them. The lights of the city spilled out below them, framed between two of the pillars that held up the roof of a gazebo.

"You. Are. Kidding. Me. How...?" She spun to face a man who looked far too sheepish to have added a new structure to their property in twelve hours, even one they'd discussed, as a hypothetical. "Derek, seriously! How?"

"Uh, well, Hunt was off, and—"

"You built a gazebo. You woke up—No. No, Carolyn said I'd been called in, and you thought, 'I'll build a gazebo today?' You knocked on the door of the trailer and said, 'Hi, Owen, you don't have plans for today, do you? Wanna help me build a gazebo?'"

"It was more like Zola's tower. Putting together a gazebo."

"Oh, that makes the difference."

"Do you like it?"

"Do I...?" She shook her head and kissed him, clasping her hands behind his neck. "You are such a smart idiot."

He pulled her over to one of the benches-benches!-that lined six of the eight sides and flipped on a battery-operated heater she hadn't noticed. "It actually came toegether faster than the store estimated."

"Probably because you guys built that deck together. How'd that go?"

"Poorly, and I think he might've agreed to this because it'd either be satisfying or entertaining. Mom had fun commentating."

"Were the kids out here?"

"Highly supervised and, yes, there are pictures of them 'being builders.'"

"All I ask."

"Here." The screen of his phone was bright, even with the floodlights, and she had to squint at first. When there turned out to be text on the screen, not Zola in a hard hat, she started to swipe away. He grabbed her wrist. "Read it."

This letter is to notify you of my intention to resign….

No. This was too much, too fast. They were still in the car, taking a road he claimed was a shortcut, but was mostly just empty, and he'd sped up, the adrenaline making her head spin.

"Derek, you…you can't." Her voice came out dry, the words wavering.

She wanted to scream again, to make him look over, and say, "Sorry, I wasn't thinking…." which only made it worse, because what if she wasn't in the passenger seat, and what had he been thinking?—had his mind already been back there, returning to the unhappy reality of the other three-hundred sixty-three days? That version of him was clearly still in the driver's seat, making her consider the painful consequences of a crash.

"This job, it's made for you. It's all you've wanted for a year."

"If that were true, I wouldn't have tried so hard to refuse it. I love the work, I do. I love you more. Work isn't enough, and more frequent visits—airports, and red-eyes, and people who don't understand that celebrating my daughter's birthday couldn't wait until Thanksgiving, or maybe Christmas—Not being able to be with you when I know you might not admit that you needed someone, not even to yourself…. That's where I'm supposed to be."

"You've only been there six weeks. You haven't settled in, and…you spent an hour tonight telling me about the research."

"And all I cared about was making your eyes light up with ideas. It's not…the job is close to perfect for me, and I don't care if I never see the campus again. I was doing incredible research here.

"I almost lost it all, after the plane crash—almost let it go—and I came back as this innovative guy the government wanted to hire! I should've let go of believing the obvious step was the best one years ago. I'm not happy there. Maybe I could be, if I worked at it, but I don't want to. I want to work on this. On us.

"I bought this land seven years ago out of spite. It was as far from Manhattan as possible. The trailer, the hospital…a teaching hospital? That was not something I was looking forward to. I blew off the intern mixer. I thought I was going to have a life a lot like the one I have over there. Just be the dreary guy weathering out a divorce in the woods. Then, you came along. You rebooted me. I wouldn't have this career without you, and I took that for granted. Took my family for granted. It doesn't work that way."

She side-eyed him, and he smiled, like it was the best reaction she could've had.

"I hadn't gotten my mom's suitcases off of the baggage carousel before she told me I looked more tired and miserable than she'd ever seen me," he added.

"That…that sounds like her." It also rang true. He'd been dragging the Saturday they'd picked him up at the airport—it hadn't been a week; how had it not been a week?—He'd brightened once she'd let Zola run to him, but she'd kept seeing it. She'd thought he didn't want to be here, but then it'd started to disappear. "It won't always be Christmas."

He laughed. "I understand that. You sensed something, my Christmas gifts make that clear, and I think about how excited I was about the projector, and then how sad. I don't want to see you and BeeZ on the wall. I want backyard movie nights, and to actually take them camping. I want to keep my promise to let you research—"

"No. Not no! I mean... Crap, that's...I'm not saying no to you. I'm saying you're crazy and I'm not totally buying it, but unless... until there's an advance, or I have some brilliant idea that's not my mother's.…I'm not going to force myself into the lab. I'm going to just have a horrible surgeon's schedule, and innovate for my patients, and maybe get a little more time with the kids."

"You will come up with something, Mer. Then, I'll take point. We'll switch off. But here, at our hospital. Where our life is."

She chewed her lip, and he didn't intercede. He just waited. "I'm not doing last fall again. Everyone has bad patches, I sure as hell know that, but you have to talk to me. You can't sulk and blame me. If my freaking streak ends or not. If you're doing research, or craniotomies. If I'm not doing research.

"Amelia has a major procedure happening with Herman. You can't get mean about that."

"I won't. I swear. Mer, I...I sent the letter already. I made the choice. I choose you, and Zola, and Bailey. Ferryboats, and our house in the middle of nowhere. I choose this. You are everything. Our family is everything. Teething tantrums, princess teas, potty-training. All of it. More of it."

"What, like, another baby?" Meredith laughed. That was absurd. "You're crazy. It wouldn't fix anything."

"Nothing except that look you get when B. B. says he's not a baby."

"That's...I..."

"We can talk about it. There's a lot we need to talk about. A lot I want to make right. By the time you told me to go, I didn't know how I'd ever do that. So, I ran. Again. Maybe Nan was right, and I needed it, but it wasn't worth hurti—"

"Yeah, it was. I hurt you, too, and I had to figure stuff out, too." She reached over, working her fingers between his clasped hands. "It was that bad?"

"I feel like I'm suffocating if I'm not thinking of the research. Like I was drowning, and seeing you pulled me out. I can't live without you, Meredith Grey."

You've never drowned. But being shot would've felt similar.

"I can live without you." She realized it as she said it. She couldn't do any of it without help, but she didn't need Derek Shepherd to be a whole person. She'd coalesced. "But I don't want to. I don't ever want to."

His smile exploded like a firecracker set off a few days early. They could watch fireworks from here, the official ones, and the ones that would fill the E.R.

His mouth was molten heat, and as she threw one leg over his lap to straddle him, she shrugged off her coat.

"Mer, don't," he said, his knuckles going immediately to her shoulders.

"I'm not cold. I've been cold without you. Getting colder."

"Not when it matters."

Meredith shrugged and went back to kissing him. She wasn't sure, but she wasn't going to have to worry about it. He was coming home. She'd defrost.

"Derek...they're gonna try to woo you again."

"You didn't read it all. I'm giving them two weeks. Booked my return flight. I'll consult from here if they can't fill the spot, but I have some recommendations. I'd do less if there wouldn't be backlash against Amelia."

"And you. You'll be blackballed because of me, again."

"You were ready to support me. I'm saying that's not what I want."

She kissed him again, and for once got to be the one mussing up his hair. She got his belt undone without his notice, but the button on his pants took working.

"What're you doing?"

"You're not that stupid of an idiot," she said, sliding between his legs. Her knees landed on her discarded coat, which she hadn't planned, but would take credit for. She pushed the heater to the side; she already felt the sparks of a fire bound to ignite.

"You don't—"

"Don't tell me what I have to do, Derek Shepherd. You said I could lead." She drew her fingertips along his cock, letting them close just below the head and reaching up again. She replaced her fingers with the tip of her tongue, and he drew in a sharp breath through his teeth. "How long has it been?" She huffed out her exhalations; teasing him with air was a trick she'd taken from him. "Since I last took you in my mouth? Since I got on my knees for you?"

"Summer. It was summer."

"You can be more specific, can't you? You've thought about it." She worked his balls while she spoke, and his cock responded, expanding up toward her. "Imagined it, in that awful, suffocating apartment?"

"Ah-August. A Saturday. We'd... we'd taken the kids to the park. Cooked salmon on the grill. You'd put the baby down, and you came into to the living room... shirtless. Said we had half an hour before Amelia got home."

"Mmhmm," she confirmed, her lips just touching him. "What you do in an O.R. makes me hot for you, Derek, but the way you are with our family? That's when I see the man I'm gonna love for the rest of my life."

She punctuated the declaration by lowering her mouth over the tip of his cock and swirling it. Derek's "yes" was another hiss. She smiled around him. He wouldn't be clenching his teeth much longer.

"Uh-uh," she chided, pulling away from the hand that had landed on the crown of her skull. "Not letting that down yet, Eugene."

"Deep cut."

"Maybe at the NIH. Tangled is a favorite around here."

"Makes sense." He grasped the bench, emitting a long, relieved, "oh," as she put her mouth back in place. "Like the lanterns."

"Mmm," she murmured in agreement and confirmation. Later, she'd tell him how those scenes transfixed their son. She'd show him. She'd share it with him. There was so much she hadn't let herself imagine sharing with him.

She couldn't have imagined this.

She held him steady with one hand to make more use of her tongue. He tipped his head back, but she could picture the folding and twitching of his lips; had felt them against the palm of her hand. She could watch the bobbing of his Adam's apple become arrhythmic as what she was doing took over his control.

"Good glory, Meredith. Ah, yeah, that's…ah…fantastic, sweetheart. Oh, Christ, Christ, yes, Meredith, fuck, yes. Feels so good. God, your lips…yeah, yeah, Mer…brilliant…oh, God!"

Meredith had experienced the degradation that a percentage of men thought they were entitled to wield while being blown. She'd also felt like she was providing the best experience a guy had ever had. Nothing had made her feel quite as powerful as getting Derek Shepherd to produce word salad. She could feel the minute tugs that came just before he moaned or gasped as she sucked, tensing in anticipation of the sounds. Every time, she felt more of his heat flowing into her, a second pulse. His hips jerked, and the blood had left his knuckles, probably contributing to the erection that still felt so solid against her tongue.

"Mer…oh, yeah…ah…God, Mer, that's perfect."

She adjusted to slide her lips down further, moving her knees further apart in the process. Derek emitted a cry of pleasure, and with the small amount of friction her panties had been giving her gone, Meredith felt it settle in her clit. She tried to ignore it. He was going to finish soon, and he'd be more than willing to tend to her—not helping, Grey—Clenching her thighs did nothing but alert her to the wetness that had already gathered on them.

He was gonna be home. There'd be plenty of opportunities—you are everything—He groaned, thrusting against the hand she still had wrapped around the base of his shaft. She'd hiked her dress out of the way before she realized she'd made the decision to do so, and then, made clumsy by desire and her split focus, fumbled past the waistband of her underwear.

Having her cool fingers pressed against her clit was enough to make her sigh. Derek cried out again, and she wiggled her hand. Her own moan drew his attention downward. "Mer. Do you wa—? Agh, Mer, I—I…." He strained, and she sucked determinedly, moving her hand to take him all the way in.

Within moments he released. The cum sluicing down her throat sent a tremor through her body. She kept rolling her glans under two fingers and rested her head against his knee. Her concern for her hair belonged to some other Meredith.

Derek's hand touched her cheek, and she followed the nudge to meet his eyes. "Hey, you," he murmured. "Sit up for me. Let me get you off the ground."

"Floor. Floor you built. Shockingly level." She slid downward, flashing the whole city, and invisible to all but Derek.

"It would've been pretty hard to mess up pre-measured lumber on flat land."

"You wanted me to take care of myself last night."

"And you did it, beautifully. My turn." He tucked his hands under her arms hoisting her to her feet.

"Derek!"

"I've got you," he murmured, soothingly into her ear. "One second." He stroked as far as he could down her leg, brought his hand around to the front of her thigh. Once he reached her hip, he tugged her panties out of the way. They fell down to her ankles, and he slipped his hand under hers. "How's that?"

"Mmmm."

"Good." His fingers circled firmly, and he kissed down her neck, then drawing his tongue back up. "You didn't leave me much to do here." He pressed harder, and she moaned appreciatively. "Look at that view, sweetheart."

"It's beautiful."

"You're beautiful. Sparkling. Like these stars." He ran a hand over the bodice of the dress, barely touching her nipples. She gasped, flooded with anticipation that made her sure she'd die before he breached the top dress. Then one of his hands was massaging her breast, and the other rubbing her in wide, wonderful circles.

"Kepner's not getting' it back. Oh, fuck, Derek." She grabbed the arm around her waist, as her body broke out in sweat. "Faster, faster, faster, now now now, hard, yank me, it's gonna—Derek, right there, right there."

"I've got you my beautiful, brilliant, diamond. I'm here."

"I know. I know. I kn-ah!" Her head jerked back against his shoulder, shuddering. "Ah, yes!" She turned into his neck. He kissed the crown of her head again. His hand was still bent over her clit, his fingers moving gently. She liked having his hand there, after, but this wasn't that…. It was…. Did he…? "Derek… I came," she said, blearily. When had she last had to tell him…?

"Yeah, you did. And I'm pretty certain you can do it again. You'd have thrown me off if this didn't still feel good, wouldn't you?"

Yeah. Yeaaah. But he'd already gotten her off more in a few days than she'd managed in months. Before her sex strike, she'd started to feel like his promises like as many times as you need and this isn't quid pro quo were becoming chores for him.

He bent his fingers. She couldn't do anything about the tremor that went through her, or the moan it caused. She could do something about him before.…Maybe before she needed—fast faster, no, no talk fast.

"Y-you built this thing today. Quit your job. Don't have to…to…. Should go…."

"I'm just following your lead."

"Nuh-uh."

"Mm, tell that to that bump right there." He circled her with a slick finger. "You can't lie to me about this, Mer."

She didn't say anything, just let her hips roll with the undulating in her belly.

"Unless…unless I'm not paying attention…."

She whimpered before she could stop herself and rocked faster against him in case…just in case….

"Whoa, hey, hey, I've got you. Relax, Mer. Easy. Breathe with my rhythm. That's it. We're gonna do this for a minute. Can you listen while I do this?" He put a finger on her glans with just enough pressure that every twitch felt perfect.

"'A' course. I'm…ahhhh…I'm happy you're gonna be…h-ahh-home. More than…oooo…."

"I'm glad. I love hearing those sighs, baby. What's that?"

"It's…it's true. Derek…." She tried to turn to him, but he held her in place. "I didn'…didn't…. Oh yes, you're making up…. Ooo…ooo…."

"Thank God I didn't make you think those little hoots aren't precious.

"You can always tell me you need more. If you want more. I'm always gonna be willing to take the time to turn you into Meredith goo. I'm sorry I've been such a jackass. No better than the jerks who took offense—who made you feel like you were too much. But I love… taking… my… time… with… you." He stroked her swollen labia slowly with each word.

She wanted to argue, but all she could manage was a stack of cries as bubbles of pleasure rippled through her. "M-More." She forced herself to demand, not to ask or suggest. In return he kissed her neck, and kept stroking, speeding up just enough to make her breath edge on ragged.

"Good girl. Always tell me what you need. What you want. You… You quit while you were ahead. You went on a sex strike, specifically, to keep me from hurting you that way. And I still did."

"No…not…. My issues…. You didn't—"

"I didn't learn from my mistakes. That will change, Meredith. I swear. I swear to you."

"Please…I don't want…I just…I want us. I don't wanna think…'s not penance." She whimpered, not from anything his hands were doing, but how he got her babbling like this. It'd never turned out badly, but it could.

"Oh, my love. You are magnificent. How could I not love helping you feel it?"

"Same, though. S'why I wanna just…I wanna…. Can just this…. Water…. Oh-oh-oh wow. Need that, just like that. Fuck, wow."

Derek pressed the two fingers holding her glans down. She groaned and strained against him. "I'm gonna get you there. You just let it take you. All that blood pressing and the pulsing in your nice, full clit. You're almost there, sweetheart. And any time where you didn't feel like all that mattered to me in that moment was getting you the release you need to convince those nerves to release all the pleasure they're holding for you can be water under the wherever…."

"Okay. That's…oooooo, almost—almost—ah, ah—"

"If—" Teeth catching the very edge of her ear. "—this isn't all you can give me—" Fingers twisting her nipple.

"Gonna be strong please fast—"

"You let me turn you into goo."

"Kids. Your m…ohhhh. Al-Al...there….I...I-maybe I can't—"

"You're gonna come. Just like last night. Before I go back there, you're gonna be so used to that you'll never think to worry, sweetness. I'm going to use ice. I'm going to eat you out for so long you forget what a hospital is. We'll get in the tub, and let the faucet pound that spot that makes you kick and kick. And for the short weeks I'm not here? You're going to get yourself off in our bed so easily"

Words low vibrating through her, making her want want want Hand rubbing digging stroking the shaft of her clit. "Derek! It's…ah-ah yeah it's there, it's there. Fuuuuck, gonna blow me apart. Don't…."

"I'm going to hold you just like this until you come for me, loud and hard, and after that, until you tell me to let go. That good?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Really good." She writhed and bucked against him. His cock was hard against her back. She imagined getting him to bend her over and impale her, but it was too late for that.."Really, really, really….Fuck, there, oh, fuck, Derek-Derek-I'm coming, you…you…don't stop…still…oh yeah oh yeah…Agh!" She lurched forward, stars that had nothing to do with the sky in front of here appearing in front of her eyes. Her scream cut off as she reached an exhilarating, overwhelming peak.

She slumped against him, her knees in no state to take her weight. He kept his hand cupped over her clit. The arm holding her up rocked her gently as his lips explored her neck. "No hickeys."

He licked her and she swiped at his head.

"Derek? If I wanna be goo….Will you take me, here?"

"If that's what you want."

"Probably be all I can do tonight. I know that's not what you meant, but—" She started to lower her head. This was not her; it was not them, but she couldn't shake off the caution. She was communicating. Wasn't that good?

He caught her chin, and kissed her with bruising ferocity. As she rotated in his arms, she became sure she had this much left in her. If he wanted to go down on her, it would be fantastic, and he'd insisted on focusing on her so many times. She should just accept it.

But it wasn't what she wanted.

"You operated today, after one night of decent sleep in I don't know how many. It's been months since we did this properly. And, oh yeah, I was saying I want you to be honest about what you want, because that is a habit you've fallen out of because of me. So, yes. I'll do that. And if I don't have to carry you to the car after that, I'll come up with something else."

She shivered from the cooling sweat and his words. "Warm me up, Derek."

He grinned and went to work, clearly intent on making her more than ready for him. She let him. It didn't feel like she was a chore at all. When he slipped his middle finger inside of her cunt, her eyes rolled back and a long spasm of pleasure got her locking her arms around his neck. "Fill me. Fuck me. Love me."

He lifted her under her thighs and spun her, standing her on the bench. It was to tall, and she ended up with one foot on the cooler, and her knees bent. It was hardly the most awkward position she'd ever been in, and the angle let him get deep into her.

She was the only one with a free hand. His were supporting her legs, helping her pump him. Holding on to his shoulder with only one hand would be a feat of balance. He felt so right inside her, sliding against the walls of her cunt. His thrusts reverberated up to her clit. That could be—

It wasn't. It wasn't enough. She wasn't able to fool herself. She didn't want to. He was here. He would go, and she would not backslide. She would not let fear ice her over. She was molten.

(Alone, a sun is just a star.)

Again, the cold of her fingers was a relief. It had its place; maybe she'd needed to soothe the inflammation of the initial wounds. She scrubbed at her clit and quaked with pleasure.

"Thatta girl," Derek praised her in a growl that made her muscles go taut while her nerves sang in chorus. He moaned against her shoulder as she squeezed the muscles of her cunt in rhythm with the workings of her fingers, and his cock stirring it all up so she couldn't tell what sensation came from where.

"T-Tell me again," she stuttered, when she felt her climax was inevitable, and she wanted to cling to that. "What I am."

"You are everything."

"A-Again."

"You are everything You are extraordinary. You are effervescent. You…You… are a savior. You are…mmm… independent. You are brave…. You are… determined. You are… the love of my li-fe."—" He jerked, and she increased the speed of her hand. Her clit was swollen enough that if she'd been riding him she could've finished them both by grinding against his pelvic bone in the right way. Like this, she could only work to catch up. "No rush," he chided her. His fingers were digging into the skin of her thighs, his thrusts erratic. "I finish what I start."

"I know," she said, her eyes trained on his dilated pupils. "I want this-s-s," she hissed, her teeth clenched while she mashed her fingers down on her retracted clit. Her mouth fell open again with the cry success forced out of her. Derek covered it with his; and they were fully connected. She felt his voice rather than hearing it. All she could hear was the rush of her pulse, but she could feel everything—everything, you're everything—from the brush of Derek's breath against her top lip; the hairs on the back of his neck under her fingers; the silkiness of the dress against her breasts; the callus on Derek's thumb on her thigh. All of it was incredible, and nothing compared to having him start to release inside of her with the stars in front of her eyes and behind them. Better was his reaction when she followed him; his groan went straight to her heart, squeezing it. It had to be at least as strong as what he experienced while she squeezed him.

Somewhere in there he lifted her up, and she wrapped her legs around him, strengthening the force of the pleasure that was taking her over. When she bothered trying to process the wider world, she was sprawled across his lap on the gazebo bench. He must've stood her up to get his pants up, but she doesn't remember it. This might be the only situation in her life where that didn't bother her.

He still had one hand on her thigh, moving in slow spirals. "You with me?"

"Mmhmm. Sor—"

He put a finger on her lips. "Think about that."

"Not sorry."

"That's what I thought." He smiled at her, but she noted the smirkiness in his eyes just before he moved his hand off the inside of her leg. She pressed her head against his shoulder as the aftershock he caused coursed through her.

"Der…."

"Too much?" he asked, taking the finger off the hood of her clit.

"Um…No. It feels nice…. Just—think that's all."

"Then that's all. Let me know when you want me to stop." With his other hand, he started picking pins out of her hair. Alex's styling was donezo. She was glad neither Amelia nor Carolyn had seen her before this. "That was good, huh?"

She snorted. "Am I supposed to call you out on the understatement to boost your ego?"

"You're not," he said. "Because I'm not talking about anything I did."

She narrowed her eyes. "Water. Under. The. Damn. Bridge."

"Just…historically, that doesn't mean something isn't spinning in your mind. At best, it's under the rug, and the water seeps out. I'm only saying, if it doesn't wash away, please don't hold it in. I hate that…I thought I was doing the best I could, but I wasn't doing the minimum. I wasn't there for you in any way."

"Sex isn't the most important thing."

"No, of course not. It's just…I really don't recognize the person I became."

"Yeah. I've been there." Derek winced. She reached up, putting her hand on his cheek. "You weren't a different person, Derek. You were the worst version of yourself. But I love you. I never stopped loving you. It was just that if things didn't get better, I wasn't going to be able to…to love myself. I refuse to be that person again."

"I don't want you to." He turned his head to kiss her palm. "God. I've never wanted that. I couldn't stop loving you, Mer."

"But you tried."

"I…."

"It's okay. I've done that, too. Tried not to love you. We just weren't together at the time. I've been miserable and angry enough that I can't stop lashing out. You haven't seen the worst of that. I don't think you will. I'm not mad anymore. I…I just want you back. That's—I'm gonna be very happy if that means here—"

"It will."

"But even if that's not what happens, if you're the you who loves me like this…who looks at me like I'm Christmas all the time…. We'll be okay."

"I'm coming home, sweetheart."

Meredith's mind tried to run through all the ways this could go. He could be caught again; they'd spent nine months reeling him in the first time. He could be bored here. Owen would take him back, probably had. But if he knew he didn't like the alternative.…

"Hey, stop the thinking." Derek crooked the finger he was using to play with her and flicked, a proven method of effectively distracting her. She let him keep it up for a while, but the sensation eventually died out, proving it to be left-over, not building. The maybe in the back of her mind settled into a no.

"We should go," she said, sitting up.

"Soon." He kissed her temple and along the side of her jaw. "A few more perfect minutes."

"Zola's probably waiting up. Bailey could've decided it's regression time. That'll get me a new guy in my bed."

"Oh?"

" name's Elmo."

She tilted her head back to smile at him. He returned it softly. "I didn't mean that the minutes, and hours, and days after this won't be perfect."

"I didn't say you did."

"You didn't have to. What if I tell the kids?"

She shot up, almost tripping over his legs to get far enough away to face him. "Absolutely not! Do you know what days where you didn't call were like? There were only a few. That's a tiny broken promise, but they are tiny. This—"

He took her hands, gently uncrossing her arms. "It's big. If I break it, I won't be looking at a few glares from Zola and a sex strike from you. I'd be causing their first big disappointments. And you…I want you to hope, Meredith. You managed it, after Zola came home. I've made it hard again. But I'm promising. I will not break your heart this way."

"It'll be worse if you don't, and a year from now you resent me," she admitted, her eyes focused on his, even though she wanted to look away so badly that it burned.

"I won't. I'm making this decision for myself. One day, maybe we will leave Seattle, if the time is right. But it wasn't, and it turns out I'm not a career-only kind of guy. You could be ready to move for some opportunity tomorrow, and that'd be okay. All that I have holding me is you and the kids. I'll find a way to love my work again. Especially, if I have you on my side for that." He stood and lifted her arms, turning her to face out again."Look out at that light; all the people going on with their lives, just a little bit safer because of us."

Meredith did, letting the lights halo in her vision. They were each tiny suns. She and Derek could both be suns in their own galaxies. With him holding her, standing on a gazebo he'd freaking built for her on, the land that held the house where her children were (maybe) asleep, Meredith Grey did have hope; she hoped that next Christmas she'd be standing here knowing that she'd put her faith in the right place. Because the truth was, as scared as she was, she'd put her trust in Derek Shepherd a long time ago, and through the broken promises and shattered hopes; the wound mending in her heart, he hadn't done anything to break her trust. It was that that she held onto while extending the grace he'd needed to try for redemption.