FOREWORD

It was thanks to Dis Lexic that I started playing Genshin Impact, and it was thanks to Dis Lexic that I started playing Hoyoverse's latest game, Honkai Star Rail. I have to admit to having mixed feelings at this early stage. The Herta Space Station sequence was fine enough, even if March 7 is a pain in the arse, but Jarilo-VI? Aside from Natasha, Serval, and Clara (without Svarog, that moronic bucket of bolts with tunnel vision and the voice of a far better video game robot), I'm finding it hard to give a fuck about anyone on that planet. Bronya and Seele are annoying bitchy mirrors of each other, Sampo is basically Mundungus Fletcher with the looks of Nasuverse Cu Chulainn, I've made my opinion of Svarog clear above, and Cocolia Rand merely reinforces my dislike of anyone with that last name or any anagram of Ayn Rand. I'm just continuing with the game for now because at least some elements are interesting, and, like Genshin Impact, I hope it will get good.

Still, earlier today, I did a sidequest in Boulder Town involving the Fight Club. And thanks to the events of said sidequest, the NPC in charge of it, Scott, has shot close to the top of my shitlist for characters in that game, no mean feat for someone who isn't a playable character or an overt villain in the story. And it is for that reason that I decided to write a cathartic oneshot showing justice being delivered to Scott for what happened to Kluzer.

But whom would supply said karma? I considered Hannibal Lecter, but I'd done him before for a Cyberpunk crossover, Boîte de Conserve (plug, plug), and Hannibal is more for a Halloween oneshot. But then, I hit upon an idea. I had given Deadpool a few cameos in my fics before, so why not give him a starring role in one for a change?

Really, this will probably be my last oneshot for the year. But what a oneshot to go out on, huh? And I may yet do more Honkai Star Rail stories. This is just something I had to get off my chest.

Anyway, time for the usual disclaimers. First, there will be spoilers, as well as quite a bit of horror and violence. Plus, it's Deadpool, the living embodiment of dark comedy, and he's the Merc with the Mouth, which will include some swearing and sexual references.

Finally, the following is a fan-based work. Honkai Star Rail and Deadpool are the properties of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, Deadpool will break the fourth wall and drag you to the nearest store to do so...

NOT-SO-GREAT SCOTT AND THE MERC WITH THE MOUTH

Scott was having a fine day, not that you'd know it was day in Boulder Town, what with it being underground and all. True, that punk with the silver hair and golden eyes had the temerity to threaten him when that has-been boxer Kluzer died, but so what? What mattered was that the Fight Club of Boulder Town had drawn its crowd thanks in part to his sacrifice.

In truth, Scott couldn't give a damn, not that he did about any fighter who fell inside or out the walls of the Fight Club. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but his heart had died with his wife and child, though that ungrateful bitch Alyssia took Beatrice with her. She never understood, would never understand. Nobody would. Money was more reliable than other people, and she only proved that. And then, there was that stupid bitch Natasha, running herself ragged with that free clinic, when she could have made Boulder Town her oyster. And she had the gall to look down on him?

Of course, from an objective point of view, Scott was a nasty piece of work. While the other staff of the Fight Club were decent enough people, even if they worked in a literal underground fighting arena, Scott did not care about human life, just what money it could bring him. If it meant risking the life of his fighters more than dubious pugilism bouts would, well, he didn't care.

He was on his way home, flanked by his security guards (well, local thugs who had his same casual attitude to human life and a love of money), late at night, when he heard someone singing. Somewhat offkey, but still recognisably singing. Some drunkard?

"There ain't no rest for the wicked, money don't grow on trees, I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed, there ain't nothin' in this world for free, I can't slow down, I can't hold back, though you know, I wish I could, there ain't no rest for the wicked until we close our eyes for good…"

The source of the song turned out to be a most extraordinary figure, dressed in a figure-hugging red and black costume. He doubted it was a member of Wildfire, and the Silvermane Guards would never let someone in such a garish, eye-burning outfit into their organisation. His head was concealed by something that could have been a balaclava, while on his back was a concerning pair of swords.

"No closer, buddy," one of his guards said.

"Eh, no can do, Nameless Mook OC. I mean, you were created by Quatermass to give me some nasty mooks to slice and dice, you know? Then again, while you're not explicitly in the game, a douche like this old fucker would probably need some hired thugs, so the inference is there. Anyway, to quote a certain Crimson Fucker, how's your health plan?"

By this point, Scott had tired of this lunatic's rambling. He nodded to the guard. With the man's swords, he needed to be put down and hard. But as the guard punched the lunatic, said lunatic dodged, and then hit him with a leaping uppercut, screaming "SHORYUKEN!" The guard was flung through the air, crashing to the ground, though the way his head lolled, his neck had been broken.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" the lunatic screamed. "You messed up the punchline! It was going to be 'apparently it's GREAT!' And, well, why wouldn't it be when you've got that babeilicious Natasha tending to you? And she's voiced by Elizabeth Maxwell. That woman's voice is sex on legs, and unlike Albedo, Sae Nijima, or Rosaria, Natasha is a genuinely kind and caring person, with no real complications, save for some brother issues. Honestly, at first, she gave me some real 'I need an adult vibes', but as far as waifu material is concerned, she…"

The other guard chose that moment to take out a gun, silenced, and fire, only for the lunatic to unsheathe his swords and swing them, deflecting the bullets everywhere else. One hit Scott in the knee, and he collapsed with a shriek of pain. He was soon joined in chorus by his remaining guard, who had his gun hand sliced off, soon followed by his leg tendons.

"AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE DEADPOOL KITCHEN TOOLS!" the lunatic howled, before he began slashing at the guard in earnest. "IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT MAKES THIRTEEN DIFFERENT TYPES OF FRENCH FRY, CLEANS YOUR TEETH WHEN YOU SLEEP, AND ENSURES YOU CAN RISE TO THE OCCASION WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE!"

By the time the lunatic was finished, the other guard was mince. Scott tried to scramble away from the lunatic. "Look…whoever you are…we can make a deal?"

"Eh, no can do, Not-So-Great Scott. Oh, bee tee dubs, the name's Wade Wilson, aka your Friendly Neighbourhood Deadpool. And, well, let's put it this way. Can you bring Kluzer back to life?"

Scott blinked in incomprehension. "What do you mean, bring that has-been back to life?"

Deadpool rolled his eyes, before picking up Scott and chokeslamming him. Through the pain, he heard the lunatic say, "Yeah, no, didn't think so. Here's the thing, while the Trailblazer messed up bringing you the Evil Armour of Doom, they at least gave a damn about Kluzer and his health. Hell, the guy's a selfless chap, gave all his crap to others. And yet, when he died, in what had to be unspeakable agony, wasting away, all you could think about was the fact that he didn't last longer and made you a few more bucks. There's too many pricks like you across the multiverse, but at least the ones I fight usually have superpowers or a sense of style, of panache. You're just a petty old man who thinks of nothing but profiting off others' misery. So, think of me as a long-overdue force of karma. Besides, you forgot the first rule of Fight Club."

"What's th…GGGRRRHHH?!"

Pain exploded in his mouth, and he realised that Deadpool was now holding his tongue. "You don't talk about Fight Club. Now, you can't, ever again."

Scott couldn't understand it, why he was being attacked like this. All he knew was that, for the next few minutes, his entire world was pain. And then, finally, oblivion came…


So, what now? Deadpool asked to himself as he wandered away from the corpses of Scott and his Nameless OC Goons.

Ooh! Ooh! spoke one of the voices in his head, the excitable one. Can we go pay Natasha a visit? Have her give us an examination? We have cancer!

You just want to ogle at her bust, spoke the more dour and serious voice. And I'm miffed that you can't do yellow boxes in this textual medium.

Eh, suck it up, Deadpool retorted. Hmm, I wonder if we could hitch a ride on the Astral Express? I think there was a Spatial Anchor over there. Onward, true believers, for adventure, justice, and all the waifus!

And with that, the Merc with the Mouth sauntered off, seeking another adventure. Chaos and carnage awaited him. Then again, he'd be the one causing much of it…

THE END

ANNOTATIONS:

Deadpool, of course, sung the chorus to Ain't No Rest for the Wicked by Cage the Elephant, now famously the theme song to the very first Borderlands game. Obviously, I don't own the lyrics.

Nor do I. Hey kids, it's Deadpool here, stealing the keyboard from Quatermass for a sec! Feel free to hear my voice as Nolan North, Ryan Reynolds, hell, even Curtis 'Takahata101' Arnott, reader's choice, kiddos. I've made one or two cameos in Quatermass' works over the years, but this is my first starring role. True, turning some two-bit asshole NPC and his goons into sashimi is not exactly blockbuster material, but hey, I take gigs where I can get them, and after playing that sidequest in Honkai Star Rail, I wanted to gut that fucker myself, much like the Sages for what they did to my favourite game daughteru Nahida from Genshin Impact. Still wish I'd stop playing gacha games, though. Hopefully, all those Primogems and Saint Quartzes I looted from him can help with the gacha…oh. Oh shit, they're gacha currency from OTHER games, aren't they? Ah, fucknuggets and shitbags. Seriously, the English language needs more expletives.

Yeah, I can see that, Deadpool. Thanks for taking the time to star in my fic. I was going to bring Hannibal Lecter in to put paid to Scott, but I wanted to do two new crossovers.

Ooh, classy. I reckon this should have been in Halloween. Oh, which Hannibal Lecter? Brian Cox, Anthony Hopkins, or Mads Mikkelsen?

Well, reader's choice, though I only really watched the films with Hopkins in them. Though I reckon he's better as Dr Ford in Westworld.

Yeah, I hear that. Anyway, thanks for giving me the opportunity to help you with your fanfic catharsis. Deadpool out!

Anyway, Scott's backstory can apparently be gained by a mysterious phonecall (which I did get in the game) and finding the right combo to a locked box in his Fight Club. You're supposed to feel some sympathy for Scott, I suppose in theory, but I don't.

No numbered annotations this time.