At the door to my house, I waved goodbye to Itachi. I watched him disappear before holding onto my dad in a giant hug.
The doctors had decided I was healthy enough to return home. I still needed weekly check ups, but my heartbeat was stable again. That had been everyone's biggest worry.
My dad was so relieved by the news that he skipped three days of work just to stay with me. After dinner, we sat outdoors with a bunch of papers and colored pencils. We were both drawing Doku, who happily swam up to pose for us. My drawing was pretty good, but my dad's looked like an octopus!
My last picture was a portrait. I was in the middle and holding hands with my dad. To our right was Aunt Mikoto, who held hands with Itachi and Sasuke. By their side were Shisui and Michio, both with tongues out and doing the peace sign. Otoha was there too, with a book in her hands, then finally Tomoe in the corner. She had mean eyebrows and fiery hands.
On the left side, there was Ms. Hyuuga and my dance class. There were the girls in a circle, Tamaki and Ayame, Setsu and Dai. There was my community service gang: Gin with his red cap, and Hana with her dogs. The little one was Naruto. I would have added more people, but I already hit the edge of the paper.
My dad taped the picture to the wall, alongside all my other artworks. Stepping back, I saw how much things had changed since my move from the Fire capital. For one, my art had gotten much better. I shook my head. Wow, was my seven year old self bad at drawing!
Looking at my old pictures also made me feel strangely homesick. I missed mom. I missed nanny. Mayu probably stopped waiting for me by the playground. My palm pressed against my heart. My chest was tight, but it was a different type of tight this time.
In the end, I ran to the phone and dialed for Tamaki.
By the time I returned to school, my table had already dropped to third place. My presence only dropped us further down to fourth place, because lessons switched to ninjutsu. I got dead last with zero points.
I stepped down towards the back of the class line, my shoulders sagged. As I passed, some boys snickered. I pretended not to hear them, though I did spare a glance at Ijouna. She scored perfect in henge and bushin. Even though she never said anything, she must be upset that I was pulling her grade down.
At the end of the day, Tamaki sat down on the playground swing next to mine. "Are you okay?"
"No." With my friends and family around, I could be cheery. But once by myself, I felt scared and small again. I felt lost. I felt ugly. I felt… I did not even know what I felt, only that it made my chest hurt.
"I think you're feeling something called anxiety."
I blinked. Tamaki brought my hand to her chest. She explained she felt this too, and that she had been feeling it for a long time. For as long as she could remember, actually. That was why she always had a notepad with her. Writing things down, having numbers and words to look at, these things kept her anchored.
I was shocked. In my mind, Tamaki was not just my best friend, but my leader. She was the mature one who knew what to do and what to say. She knew how to take charge, to plan and organize. She was the one who looked over us. She was the one who kept us together. So it was hard to imagine Tamaki herself falling apart. That there were times she had no clue what to do or what to say. This awful feeling, it was hard to imagine that she had carried this with her every day…
I must have looked very distressed, because Tamaki noticed and averted her gaze.
"You're the first person I've told about this. Setsu might already know though… she's pretty sensitive." Tamaki caught herself. "Don't get me wrong. It wasn't like I wanted to hide it from everyone or anything. I wouldn't keep secrets like that, not from you guys. It's just… like I said, I've had since this for as long as I remember, so to me, it was normal. It's just a part of who I am.
"... or so I thought. Now, I understand that's not normal. You helped me understand that."
Huh?
Tamaki grinned, but added nothing more. Instead, she kicked her feet. I followed suit, and soon we were in a game to see who could swing higher. The playground filled with our giggles.
For dinner, we walked to a bento station together. On the way, we talked a bit more, about the things that was hard to do over a phone call.
When I shared my doubts about the Academy, Tamaki was like Itachi - she reacted in a way I did not expect at all.
I thought Itachi would push hard for me to drop out of the Academy. I knew it was something he felt strongly about. Instead, he looked conflicted. His smile had been forced.
I expected Tamaki to talk me out of the idea. That I should tough it out. Instead, she just shrugged and said, "Okay."
"Okay?" I repeated. Tamaki was never that simple!
"Whatever you choose. If you stay, great. We'll make it through together. If you drop out, I'll drop out too."
"You would leave with me?"
Tamaki went quiet, as if she was thinking hard. Then, "Yeah. I've realized I don't care about where I end up. I care about who I end up with. What matters is the people around me, and as long as I'm in the company of good friends, I'm alright with anything."
Something about her words struck me. My mind immediately flashed to Gin. I thought of Hana, then my clan. I thought of the days when I walked between Shisui and Itachi, the three of us goofing off on our way back home.
"You just want to go wherever they go," I whispered. I began to understand.
"Exactly."
My foot stopped mid-step. Wait.
Tamaki glanced back, confused why I stopped.
"H-hold on. That means, I am the reason you stayed in this school?" I asked, pointing to myself.
"Well, yeah. It was a hard decision after Setsu and Dai left too, but…" Tamaki brushed it off. "You're my best bestie."
My eyes got watery, and before Tamaki could protest, I picked her up in a hug. "You're my best bestie too," I said, half-bawling.
At the station, we got two sets of beef tsukudani, extra egg on top. As we ate, Tamaki told me my anxiety was probably not all bad. It could just mean that I was finally facing some big decisions, and these feelings were a way to make sure I decided correctly. She said she would plan for another girl's gathering. Ayame, Dai, and Setsu knew everything about normal school. Talking to them might help me figure out what was right for me.
I could only sit there, amazed. Even if there were times Tamaki did not know what to do, there were much more times that she did.
Right before we waved goodbye, I finally remembered what it was I had been wanting to tell her all day. Her blouse!
Tamaki looked down at her purple top. Then she placed both hands on her hips, her ponytails in a bounce. "Of course! You know, I think it looks even cuter than when I tried it on at the shop!"
"The cutest!" I wholeheartedly agreed.
.
True to her word, Tamaki rallied the girls. We gathered at Ayame's restaurant. Thankfully, the place was empty except for us, because they had words. Very loud, angry words. Most of them came from Dai, but Setsu and Ayame were upset too. My body was still badly bruised. No one could believe that Kou had grown up to be such a bully.
They were shocked when I said I had not confronted him yet. They said if I needed backup, they would ditch school for a day to come help.
I laughed and said it was okay. I was not scared of Kou. Sure, he was strong, probably stronger than me in combat. But it was not like he could attack me randomly in class. And if he tried to confront me outside of class… he would be very, very stupid.
Gin was still mad. Michio was waiting for the opportunity. And Itachi… he had been the one to see me fall that day in the ballet studio. He had seen the blood all over me. If Kou was smart, he would stay away.
I did not worry about Kou. Instead, I focused on getting my health back. Like Tamaki pointed out, I might also have lots of important decisions to make. The match had opened my eyes. It made me question what I was doing and what I wanted.
So everyone got super upset except, well, me. That did not mean it was not fun hearing my friends shit-talk! Not just about Kou, but the other boys too. Dai, Setsu, and Ayame knew school had been rough for us since they left, with the horrible boy-girl ratio and all, but they never knew how bad it was until now.
I found them funny, especially their reactions.
Dai nearly dropped her spoon. "Uncute? They called you uncute? Sorry, but when did boys know anything about cute?"
"That is rude and beyond hypocritical," Setsu steamed. "Tell them to look in a mirror before they say anything!"
"Have any of them paired an outfit before?"
"Or combed their hair?"
"Yeah, what the heck!" Dai threw up her arms. "We know what cute is. We've studied cute since we could walk. And let me tell you, you two, you're the cutest girls around."
"Well... maybe not. There's still Ayame."
Everyone looked at Ayame, who blushed and ducked behind her noodle bowl. "Oh, stop!"
Dai whispered in my ear. "See? She's got it nailed. Everyone in school loves her."
We teased Ayame some more. Setsu tickled her until she giggled.
For the rest of the time, I listened to their stories about normal school. They were excited to talk about it, even more-so knowing that we might join.
The schedules at normal school were different. Depending on what you studied, there could be a lot more years. What they learned was different too. More brainy, but a different type of brainy. They said it was hard to describe unless we went there ourselves. Then there was this thing called apprenticeship. Normal school had so many more choices compared to ninja school.
So far, none of them regretted switching. The only big thing to worry about was the normal school's attitude towards ninjas. The Academy had a bad reputation among some of the civilian kids.
"But overall, nothing can be worse than what Ayae and I experienced, can it?" Tamaki asked. She recalled that particularly horrible day Gin and I had that brawl.
Setsu nearly choked on her drink. "Ayae did what?"
I waved my hands. "But Teacher Mizuki was super nice! He didn't suspend me. I didn't even get detention!"
While Setsu remained bug-eyed, Dai looked proud. She sent me a thumbs up of approval.
After hearing our story, Ayame decided that we would fit in normal school just fine. Whatever craziness normal school had, it would be nothing compared to the drama at the Academy. She also said Dai was exaggerating, like usual. Most kids at normal school thought ninjas were great. Other kids did not care. As long as you were nice, they were nice back. In fact, most of the bitterness towards the Academy came from former Academy dropouts. It was an ego thing.
Ayame paused. "Well…"
Most kids at normal school were great. Most.
Tamaki and I got the sense that we were missing something. After a taking a deep breath, Ayame told us there did exist one club we may want to be careful around. Especially me.
"Sekai Heiwa?" Tamaki repeated, raising an eyebrow.
Ayame nodded. "It's club of twelve students. They are… persistent."
From her backpack, she showed us a button pin one of the members gave her.
"Peace is not the ab-sence of war," I read, squinting. I looked up. "Huh?"
Dai snatched the button away and hid it in a napkin. "Ayame, what are you doing carrying that," she hissed.
Ayame shrunk, looking guilty.
I was beyond confused now. The atmosphere changed too fast. Setsu had gone silent, looking distressed.
I looked down at the napkin. It was just a button pin. Why was everyone treating it like some disease?
Dai glanced around the restaurant. The place was still empty except for us. She lowered her head and whispered, "When I said people could get nasty, I was mostly talking about them. Like Ayame said, they're twelve students. Most used to be friends with this one girl..."
Rumors went that there used to be this civilian girl. She came from a rich family. But unlike the other rich kids, she was loud. Outside class, she would speak a lot about political things. The school suspended her once for handing out pamphlets outside the Ninja Academy. The police told her that she was making a disturbance, but she refused to stop.
They suspended her several times after that too, but it was never long. Her family had money, part of this huge business in Fire. So it was hard to kick her out.
Then came the day all the students had give their annual speeches. It was part of this tradition that the normal schools did, to show their gratitude to the Hokage and all the befallen soldiers of Konoha. Most students would say "thank you for serving" or "we will remember you in our hearts" or something like that. But when it was her turn, she said horribly inappropriate things instead.
She called the system corrupt and evil, the Hokage a murderer, the soldiers brainwashed with blind patriotism. She said that ninja were never needed in this world, and asked the people to take a stand against them.
After all, it was the civilians who grew the crops, made the homes, created the technology and art. They brought all the good. And yet, the glory and wealth went to the ninja. For doing what? Robbing and killing. It was time to overcome this delusion and see the truth. The ninja were working alongside the feudal lords to control everyone and steal everything for themselves. The ninja were nothing but weapons for the lords, and the lords nothing but puppets for the ninjas.
She said the people always knew deep in their hearts but were afraid to speak up. After all, ninja had chakra, and chakra was power. But it was wrong to live in fear forever. Every time the ninjas fought, it was the civilians who were the true victims. Their families dying again. Their houses burned and plundered again. Were they really okay with this fate?
After the day she gave that speech, no one saw her ever again. The school said the girl would not be coming back. She had something wrong with her head, which made her ill and attention-seeking. Speaking about her became forbidden.
The kids would still whisper, though, and the Sekai Heiwa club formed. Their numbers were growing, too. In class, they would hand out buttons in secret. On each button would be something the girl had said in her speech, so her words would not be forgotten.
'The body is not a weapon.'
'Murder has many justifications, but no justice.'
'Death is blind to honor.'
'Endurance is a virtue born of vice.'
'Emotions speak the deepest wisdom.'
No wonder my friends looked uncomfortable. All of her sayings were the opposite of what the Ninja Academy taught us.
Curious, I reached for the napkin and uncovered the button again. 'Peace is not the absence of war.'
Ayame looked away. "They say those were her last words."
I did not know why I ended up keeping the button. My friends told me it was best to throw it out. I could get into a lot of trouble if someone caught me with it. The words on it did not even make any sense. To have peace was to not have war. Everyone knew that.
An anti-ninja group sounded scary. I could see why my friends were hesitant to talk about it earlier, but also why they felt they needed to tell me. The normal school had plenty of Academy dropouts, but rarely any clan kids. An Uchiha entering would be unheard of, and could change everything. It sounded like this club was anti-police too, and I came from a clan of police officers...
A sinking feeling gathered in my stomach. Ayame had tried her best to assure I would fit in, but I was not so sure anymore. Maybe the ninja path was the best choice, after all…
"BAH!" I collapsed onto my bed. It was no good! I was no good when it came to stuff like this!
One thing was for sure though: Gin needed to know.
Gin called me a dum-dum.
My eye twitched.
"I am NOT a dum-dum!"
"So are!"
"So not!"
I stood on tip-toe. He whacked me back down and called me a dum-dum again. He said there was no way I was quitting now. We had worked so hard for this! We were nearly at graduation.
Gin swore it was my medicine talking. All that therapy was going to my head. Or maybe it was Kou. His attack cut off the circulation to my brain. Or maybe my cousin. During my recovery, I had spent too much time with Itachi. Itachi had always been against me being a ninja, and he was mind controlling me with genjutsu.
"What are you doing?" I asked, watching him remove his cap. He flattened out his wrinkled thousand ryou bill.
"You need real medicine. I'm going to use this to buy something that will make you better again."
"Gin!" That was his special bill. No matter how badly he wanted something, he never touched it, not once. He can't—
"I don't care!" he snapped. "It's an emergency. Whatever is making you say these crazy things, I'm going to cure you and bring you back to your senses!"
"You're the crazy one right now! Put that back!" I fought to grab the bill out of his hands.
"No, you are!"
"You!"
Soon, we were tumbling in the grass, struggling over the bill.
"Everything we did. Our training." Gin gritted his teeth, his arms wrestling mine. "We're too close! I won't let you make the same mistake my bro made! I won't... let you... toss it all away!"
The two of us ended up rolling to the edge without noticing. By the time we did, we were already tumbling down the largest hill in Konoha's public park.
At the bottom, I was on my belly, Gin smacked against me. We both groaned, before we realized something.
The bill was above us. We watched as it was carried away by the wind.
"Shit!" we simultaneously shouted, scrambling up.
We chased after the bill, but our fingers came up short. Our foot stopped by the lake. We watched in horror as the money landed on the water.
Gin cursed, prying off his shoes. "What, Ayae—!"
Yikes, cold, cold, COLD! Once I broke the surface, I took another deep breath and swam towards the floating paper.
"Idiot," Gin grumbled, his eyes averted.
I pouted, pulling his shirt over me. My wet shoes and socks lied on the rocks, though I doubted they would dry in time.
"You're the idiot," I said. Before he could react, I had his cap snug over his head, his money back inside. Where it belonged. Gin's special money was for just that: something special. Not this silliness.
Once we both cooled down, we took deep breaths and started over. I told Gin I was not dropping out. Well, not now, not today, like Gin assumed. Maybe in the future. I did not know.
Finished, I sighed, my eyes lowered. Without thinking, my hand went over my heart again.
Surprisingly, Gin remained quiet too. He still did not look at me.
"If you give up now," he finally said, "it's all over. You can't take the decision back. You might regret it for the rest of your life."
"I know," I whispered.
Yet, even knowing this, I was still considering the idea. Gin did not understand. I did not either. His hand balled into a fist.
Gin did not say much after that. His silence left a strange feeling in my stomach. The two of us were never without words. In fact, it was hard to tell where my thoughts ended and his began. Now, it was like someone had taken a knife and cut Gin from me.
It was getting late and we had school tomorrow. So after mumbled good nights, we split up. I did not sleep well that night. Originally, I was not sure if I wanted to be a ninja. Now, I was not sure if I should even be questioning that. It felt like by questioning, I was betraying some of the most important people in my life.
I huddled inside my covers, yet I was still cold. It had nothing to do with the lake.
My eyes closed. It was painful, when I realized what leaving the Academy meant. It meant leaving Gin.
He was right. I might regret that for the rest of my life.
.
All the students lined up for another round of ninjutsu drills.
In front of me, a boy stepped up to the platform. Teacher Mizuki studied his henge and told him he was making the same mistake in his chakra pattern. He said some other things too, before waving him off. The boy stepped off, and I excitedly jumped on.
I had barely got a seal together when Teacher Mizuki waved me off. He had not even looked up from his clipboard.
It was only when there was an impatient cough behind me that I remembered to move. Hesitantly, I glanced back to see the next boy perform a henge.
As I walked back to the end of the line, Tamaki sent me a confused look. I shrugged to say I did not know what happened either. I guessed Teacher Mizuki thought I needed more work before I was ready to show him anything.
Once in line, I practiced honing my chakra. I would get it this time, I told myself.
Slowly, I moved towards the front of the line. But when it was my turn, Teacher Mizuki dismissed me again, this time before I could even hop onto the platform. Teacher Mizuki was sometimes abrupt, but never like that. When he was abrupt, it was usually only with the top students too, who did not need much help.
The same thing happened in the following days, to the point I did not know whether to even step up anymore. Then came the time I waited, but Teacher Mizuki did not dismiss me.
Excited, I hopped on and readied to show him all the progress I had made. By now, I was certain all my hand seals were perfect and-
"What are you doing?"
My concentration broke, as I looked up to see Teacher Mizuki staring at me. "Huh?"
He sighed, a hand at his forehead. "This is a line for ninjutsu practice, Ayae. Not for distracting the class."
When I looked back, several of the boys who were gesturing at me stopped. I recognized them as the ones I had defeated in taijutsu sparring, but most the class were snickering alongside them. Waiting in line was boring, and I guess my situation was funny to them. I probably did look ridiculous looking all intense and serious but have nothing happen, not even a puff.
Teacher Mizuki smiled. "Please learn how to stop wasting everyone's time."
At his words, my face burned in embarrassment. I waited to see if he had any more words for me, but he did not. That was okay. I could not hurry off stage any faster even if I tried.
As I approached the end of the line, however, my foot slowed. I was starting to realize with mortification that maybe I was not supposed get back in line.
My face got hotter when I realized I did not know where to be, if not with the other students.
My classmates were all staring at me when I awkwardly walked to the back of the room. I paused in front of my seat, quickly glancing over in Teacher Mizuki's direction again.
To my disappointment, Teacher Mizuki was the only person who did not look at me. He did not call my name and ask what I was doing, going back to my seat. He did not scold me and tell me I understood him wrong, and that I need to get back in line with the others. Instead, he continued to call for the next student, as if everything was normal.
So swallowing, I sat down and tried to pretend everything was normal too.
For the rest of the practice, I worked more on my hand seals. Biting my lips, I prayed again and again that this time would be the time it worked. I had fallen so far behind, if I did not catch up now, I would never… I would never...
I shook my head and tried to concentrate harder. Whenever the teacher addressed the class, I would listen and nod like the other students. It was hard to hear from where I was sitting though, since Teacher Mizuki did not raise his voice like he did for lectures.
Hours passed, and it was harder and harder to pretend. Nothing had changed. I could not do it. I had gone from practicing my hand seals to just staring at my hands.
A touch snapped me out of my trance. It was hard to hear what was going on in the front of the classroom, so I had stopped paying attention. I had not realized practice was over until Tamaki was standing before me, breathing heavily.
She must have ran over as soon as the teacher dismissed them. There was still a semi-broken line the front, the other students steadily making their way back to their seats.
"Come on." Tamaki clutched my wrist tighter. "Let's grab lunch!"
I stared at Tamaki, before smiling. With my free hand, I rubbed my eyes.
"Yeah!"
As we ran down the halls, I wiped the edge of my hand on my shirt. This was not the time to be a baby.
From then on, I worked harder than ever on ninjutsu. Sitting by myself every class was not just awkward, but lonely too. So I did everything I could to catch up and join everyone again. I tried tightening my muscles. I tried stretching. I tried mental exercises. I even tried meditation!
But no matter what I did, the result was always the same. A big fat zero. Because of me, our table's ranking slipped down more and more. It was only thanks to Ijouna that we were not dead last. I felt so guilty.
I slumped, staring at the ceiling. And to think I was contemplating about whether to drop out or not. How stupid of me. At this rate, they will kick me out for sure, whether I liked it or not!
Teacher Mizuki's words rang in my ears again. He was right. I really was wasting everyone's time.
I stared at my backpack and the stack of textbooks in front of me.
But…
Teacher Mizuki never approached me after class. He never told me to pack my bags and leave the Academy. If he thought I did not belong here, he would have tried to talk me into dropping out, like Teacher Iruka did. Which meant...
When I finally understood, I could not help but slap my face. I uncrossed my legs and rushed to pull my pencil case out.
Teacher Mizuki had me leave ninjutsu practice, because it was clear to him that I could not do ninjutsu. Ninjutsu never worked for me. It had been very silly of me to keep trying something that did not work. I cracked open my textbook.
My only shot at graduating, the only way of helping my table, would not be through ninjutsu. It would have be through everything else.
When Tamaki returned from practice, I proudly held out a piece of paper for her.
"Is that... our homework?"
Her eyebrows shot up when she realized it was done. I had a copy for Ijouna too.
Nodding, I flipped another page of our strategies textbook. Some of the concepts had been hard to get, but I had more than enough time to reread until I got it. I had revisited some of the past homeworks I had missed too, working through them until everything made sense. The only one that was still stumping me was that ridiculous problem eight that Itachi solved for us. His math proof had an equality flip that I just was not seeing.
Sighing, I closed my eyes to give them a rest. Then, to Tamaki, I grinned.
"I figured out how to get our first place back."
I waited until Ijouna was with us, then took a breath and told them my plan.
.
"You don't look like someone planning on dropping out."
I jolted awake, a book falling off my lap. Hana closed the door to the study room. She sat on the desk in front of mine, examining the pile of papers by my feet, then at the scribbles on the blackboard behind me.
At her questioning look, I explained to her my ninjutsu problem. I had decided to give up on it completely, instead using my time to do theory. That way, I can take some pressure off Tamaki. Without the burden of all the homework and questioning, she could then focus on improving her ninjutsu. Hopefully, that would pull our table's ninjutsu grade. Ijouna could also use the extra time for taijutsu training, so we could come out stronger by summer.
I scratched my head, laughing. "Ninjutsu is a dud, and my doctors still don't want me pushing my taijutsu, so I guess this is what's left…" I shook my head and dropped the topic. "When did Tamaki tell you I was dropping out?" I asked.
"She didn't."
I blinked.
"Gin did."
"Gin?"
"Ah, the community service people put us on duty again," she explained. "I figured you guys would be in the closet, so I went there at lunchtime to tell you about it. I missed you but caught him, and we ended up talking a bit." She paused, looking sheepish. "Err, sorry if I wasn't supposed to know. It's not his fault; I was being the nosy one."
I recovered a bit. "Oh no, it's okay." The whole dropping out thing was not a secret or surprise or anything. I had planned on telling Hana at some point.
What left me confused was Gin. I had been eating lunch with Tamaki and Ijouna. I assumed he had been with his own tablemates. If Gin wanted to meet up, he would have passed me a note. Did I miss it? Had he been waiting for me there?
I decided I would pass him a note tomorrow to ask. That, and see if he would like to eat together. I should ask my dad to pack me extra servings tonight, just in case there was something yummy to share.
As for Hana, I could tell she really wanted to know how serious I was about dropping out. She wanted me on her team. She never hid her feelings on that.
After I finished telling Hana everything, she was solemn. She was thinking, and she thought for a long time.
Finally, "I should have warned you about Kou."
"What do you mean?"
Hana closed her eyes. "Kou is from a Noble clan. He wasn't trying to bully you. He was trying to kill you."
"W-what?"
"... or as close to killing you as he could. I've known you so long, I've forgotten you're from a Noble clan too. I should have known you wouldn't have known. I should have warned you as soon as you two were put in the same class."
Hana explained to me that the Academy followed the rules set by the Hokage. Students are not allowed to kill one another. That is grounds for expulsion.
But some clans were older than the Academy, and they held even more power than the Hokage. If they had a tradition, they would follow it, against the rules or not. And one of those traditions was to honor their enemies by going all out, even if it meant killing them.
Kou, Ijouna, and Maruten were all together in the other class our previous years. The teachers made sure those three sparred with other students but never each other. My match with Kou should have never happened, but when it did, Kou had no choice but to respect tradition and fight with his full strength. To have shown mercy would have been a grave insult to both me and the Uchiha name.
Kou respected me. Out of everyone in my class, he probably respected me the most. And when we fought, he was only…
"... trying to be nice," I realized.
Hana nodded.
My head hurt. My head hurt, but I believed what Hana was telling me. Strange as it was, I could kind of understand it too. After all, I had grown up with Itachi and this type of twisted logic.
Nice or not nice, Kou's attack was supposed to have killed me. It probably would have too, had Itachi not been there and saved me. Hana said my body understood this, and I would be stupid to not be scared.
Hana admitted that before our talk, she was mostly considering knocking me on the head. She had prepared to tell me to toughen up. But now, she understood it was more nuanced than that. Deep down, Gin must have understood too, or else he would have pushed a lot harder than he did.
She said there were reasons everywhere. Reasons to stay. Reasons to drop out. There were also excuses everywhere. Excuses to stay. Excuses to drop out. Which was which was not always clear.
What was clear, however, was that my decision would not just decide my life, but those around me.
Hana chose the ninja path because she had a clan who depended on her. She chose to fight for them. I too would have to choose, the side that I wanted to represent. The side that I will fight for.
I looked down at my book. A side...
It was getting late. Hana asked if I wanted to walk home together. Laughing, I told her it was okay, I wanted to study a bit more. After all, I still needed to not fail!
Here, Hana snorted.
"Ayae, I'm sorry, but the only person who believes that is a possibility… is you."
For everyone else, they were not nervous about some ninjutsu sending me packing. They were nervous about my feelings.
Because the moment I felt strongly about something, or someone, that was it.
She waved her good night.
.
I stole a glance at the clock before getting out my notebook. I ripped out a corner.
'lunch together?'
I punctuated with a smiley face before flicking the note. My legs swung in excitement. In my bento were lamb skewers, the spicy kind that Gin liked. I had asked my dad last night if he could make extras. He was more than happy to, especially after knowing how much my friends enjoyed his cooking. I was proud of my dad; over the years, his cooking had become so good, even Sasuke liked it - and Sasuke was the pickiest eater I knew!
Time passed, but no note dropped on my desk. Confused, I peeked behind me to see if Gin had gotten my message. It was hard to tell; his eyes were up front, though he could just be waiting for the right time to pass his note.
The lecture ended. Both Tamaki and I were surprised to see Gin standing in front of our table.
"You wanted to grab lunch?" he asked, tilting his cap down.
My eyes flashed over to the other students. To my relief, everyone was too distracted by another one of those idol magazines to notice us. Nodding, I quickly gathered my stuff.
Once we were in the halls, Tamaki and Ijouna headed for one direction. I went the other, expecting Gin to follow me. He did not.
"Gin?"
"Do you want to eat outside today?"
This made my tablemates stop in their tracks. Now they were as confused as I was.
"The weather's good," Gin mumbled. "We can all eat together."
I clutched the strap of my lunch bag. "Ah…" I swallowed. "Okay…?"
We ended up claiming one of the old picnic tables. The three of us girls sat on one side. Gin and Hosei sat on the other side. I was glad Hosei tagged along, or else it would look bad for Gin. As a guy, you were never supposed to be seen alone with a group of girls. We learned that the hard way.
Still, even with Hosei around, I felt anxious. Our classmates could easily see us from the windows. We were setting ourselves up to be teased. Was this a good idea?
As we had lunch, though, I changed my mind. Leaving the closet was the best idea ever. There was no greasy metallic smell. We could stretch out and talk as loud as we want. Towards the end, everyone was excitedly chatting about this cool new game that Hosei bought. Gin claimed he would beat me in it. I shut him down with an emphatic, "Nah-uh!"
He picked his teeth with a skewer. "Uh-huh."
The next day, we sat outside again. And the following days. We saw each other not just at lunch, but other times too. If Gin and I ever caught each other in the mornings, we would walk to class together. Being able to chat with him, out and in the open, felt so natural that I forgot why we ever kept our friendship secret to begin wi-
Oh. That was why.
The classroom had hushed, but all eyes were on us. In the middle stood Tamaki. She whipped around, looking super distressed to see us. In her hands was a crumpled sheet of paper that she tried to hide. I noticed another paper ball near the doorway and picked it up.
It was a doodle. On it were some nasty words. I recognized a drawing of a cap on one of the figures. Scared, I crumpled it back up before Gin could see.
Gin knew from my expression and never asked. Instead, he lifted his backpack and walked to his table, ignoring the jeers tossed his way. I sat down too.
At my own table, I raised my shoulders, pretending I could not hear.
It was not fair.
It was not fair.
By my side, Tamaki watched me worriedly. For the most part, she was quiet. Neither of us could concentrate well on lecture that day.
When class ended, a backpack dropped on my desk. It was Gin.
"Hey, field's open. Want to go spar?"
His voice was not loud, but he made no effort to be quiet either. Everyone overheard and everyone was watching. I did not know what to say.
In the end, all I managed to blab out was, "W-why?"
Gin and I promised each other that we would be separate in public. That way, no one had any reason to bully us. That had been the plan, right? And it had been working, so why was Gin suddenly breaking all the rules we set up? Why was he giving people a chance to hurt us?
Gin said nothing at first. Then, he looked annoyed.
"Why? Because you're top of the class."
The whispers behind us came to sharp halt. Tamaki paled, rightfully so. Gin's mouth was going to get us totally-
"And because you're my friend," Gin finished. His cap hid his eyes, but I could tell from his posture that he felt awkward and embarrassed. "I don't care. I like training with you. It's more fun when it's with... you."
The classroom fell into silence.
My mouth was the first to close.
Then, I stood up.
Gin and I ran away just before the classroom could explode.
Laughing, we chased each other across the halls, down the stairs, and out the building. Neither of us looked back, only stopping until we reached the fields.
After an eternity of depressing solo training sessions, we were both bursting with things to share each other. Gin wanted to show me the chop he had been working on, and I was dying to try out my hook spin on him. We were shouting and falling and it was so much fun, the most fun I had in forever. Before we knew it, the sun was already going down.
I had forgotten how happy it made me, doing everything with Gin, until I had it back again. In fact, I was so happy, I had no more room to be upset anymore. Gin must have realized it too; the bullying made us miserable, but being apart made us far more miserable.
So we decided. Let them say their nasty words. We didn't care anymore. Nothing they did would change the fact that Gin and I are two of the strongest fighters in the class. Or that we're friends.
On the grass, we clicked our cans of juice. I sighed at the refreshing cool beverage. It was the perfect end to a good exercise. I wished our session had lasted longer though. I would have kept up if not for my doctor's advice.
"It doesn't still hurt, does it?"
I shook my head. "Not anymore. But my family wants me to be careful, just in case my heart beats all weird again."
Gin stared out into the distance, frowning. He took another sip. "I'm not going to forgive him." He was talking about Kou. "We'll find a way to come out stronger."
"Gin?"
"What?"
"Thank you."
The drink stopped before his mouth. He lowered his can.
I continued, "I'm really glad you threw those stupid paper balls at me in second grade. I'm really glad we became friends."
He stared at me with a funny expression, before quickly averting his gaze. He brought his juice back up. "What's with the sap?"
"You're the one who started it."
"Did not."
"Did too!"
We nudged each other in the arm.
Giggling, I hugged my legs, until my chin was tucked against my knees. "I mean it. You make things better. Even detention."
"Stop."
Gin's tone startled me. I never expected him to be mad. It was not his usual type of mad either. Instead, he stared hard at his can, his brows knit.
"Don't… say stuff like that."
"Huh? Why not?"
"Because." Gin still did not look at me. The metal of the can began to bend in his grip. "Because it's a stupid way to say goodbye."
I quieted.
Gin looked like he had a billion more things he wanted to say. In the end, he held them back.
I remained silent too.
Finally, my fist met his skull.
"Hey, what the hell was that for?" he growled, rubbing his head.
"I'm not gone."
"What-"
"I'm not gone," I repeated. "You know where I live, and I know where you live, and we can see each other whenever we want. Goodbye's the last thing I'm saying to you, and it's not what you're saying to me."
I huffed. Inside, I was very insistent about that last part. I refused to let what happened with Itachi happen ever again. Not with Gin, not with anyone. I did not know if I could handle the heartbreak a second time.
"But I am sorry," I mumbled. Slowly, I stood up. "I'm bad at thinking ahead. You knew from the start what you wanted to do, but I haven't even gotten that part figured out yet. And because I don't know, I'm keeping everyone hanging."
The sunset was really pretty. I took in a deep breath. I told Gin how I have been thinking and thinking, and while the future is still blurry, today made some things clear. I can picture some of the things I wanted to do now.
Gin waited.
"Well, aren't you going to tell me?" he asked.
I stuck out my tongue. "Nope, secret."
Before he could tackle me, I giggled. "Okay, okay!"
Smiling, I told Gin that I wanted to have fun together for as long as we could. I wanted to continue training with him and going to classes together. I wanted us to keep pushing each other and come out on top. I wanted to treasure every moment we have.
I had joined the ninja track largely because of Gin. It made sense he would be my reason to see it through till the very end.
I extended a hand. Gin let me pull him up. We squeezed hands.
If nothing else, I wanted to see my friend graduate. I wanted to see the day Gin achieved his dream of becoming a ninja.
.
After Gin and I made our grand escapade, we expected the worst from our classmates. So the next morning, we braced ourselves. They would probably call Gin a girl or call me a boy. Whatever they called us, we swore to each other not to get mad or start a fight.
But when we got to class, nothing happened. People were staring at us, but they were starting at us differently now. The meanest boy, the one I gave a bloody nose, grimaced but said nothing. Confused, I looked at Tamaki, who was avoiding looking back. She was nervously playing with her hair.
Gin leaned toward her. "Okay, what did we miss?"
Tamaki fidgeted harder. Instead of answering the question, she just said, "Good morning."
Gin and I exchanged a look. We waited for lunch, before forcibly dragging Tamaki away. It was clear something had happened yesterday, and Tamaki knew why.
"Okay, okay, just don't freak out," Tamaki said.
I was freaking out. Of course I would freak out if anyone started with that!
"Um, so after you two left, the class got… and I got… I got a bit upset, so I said some things."
Some things.
Gin said my thought, "What things?"
Tamaki snapped shut her eyes and blurted it out. "I said this is why none of you losers have girlfriends." Her voice ended in a squeak, and she covered her hands with her mouth.
She could not help it. After months of frustration, Tamaki had exploded and yelled at the whole class. They kept complaining about how there were no cute girls left in ninja school, but didn't think that maybe, just maybe, it was because there were no cute boys left worth sticking around for. They keep complaining about not getting dates, but didn't think that maybe, just maybe, speaking badly about girls and the boys who talked to them could be a reason why.
Tamaki shuffled her feet. So yeah… the class shut up after that. And it wasn't her intention, but they might have also gotten the impression that Gin and I were actually…
"Boyfriend and girlfriend?!" we simultaneously shouted.
We were more horrified than she expected. She did not get why.
"Because it's a lie!"
"Because it's gross!"
Gin and I looked at each other. Before long, we were in another nose-to-nose disagreement. Like all our disagreements, it was never serious. Still, it was easy to get caught up in them, with Gin calling me a dum-dum and me swiping his cap.
As we walked to lunch, Tamaki looked back and forth between us. Her shoulders lowered, and she had this funny expression that made us stop our bickering.
"What?" I asked, Gin's neck under my arm.
Tamaki said it was nothing. Just… well, she kinda felt sorry for anyone who falls in love with either one of us.
Gin and I just blinked. It was only when Tamaki had already walked far ahead of us that we realized what she meant. At which point, we both yelled, "HEY!"
.
Sasuke frowned when he saw me waiting for him outside the school. He stuck his nose up and told me, for the last time, he did not need a babysitter. He was totally fine getting home by himself.
He stopped talking when he saw what I had in my hands. Extra lamb skewers.
With a stupid grin, I dangled them in front of him, waiting. Finally, I put an end to his struggle and asked if he would like some.
He said if I insist.
As we passed by the playground, I could see him pause. On the swing set was Naruto, who also had a skewer in mouth. Naruto noticed me and waved, and I waved back.
Sasuke looked confused. "You know him?"
"Yeah!" Naruto and I had been in good contact ever since he helped us at the gate. Not just during community service but at school too. He liked asking me for food.
When I told Sasuke the story, it was like something clicked in his head.
"So you're also a delinquent."
"What? No! Well…"
"Does my brother know?" Sasuke demanded.
"Know what?"
Both of us turned.
Sasuke reacted first and was before Itachi in a blink. "I just learned Sister Ayae is a troublemaker, and that she has ties to the other troublemakers in school!"
My eye twitched. Sasuke was making it sound like I was in a gang or something.
He rambled on. "... and, and they plotted against the guards and left the village, even though you ordered her not to. She defied you, brother, she's no good, you shouldn't-"
Itachi knelt down. He carefully studied the skewers Sasuke had in his hand. "Where did you get this, Sasuke?"
Sasuke glanced down, then got quiet. He looked embarrassed.
Itachi smiled, patting his head. "It smells delicious. Whoever it is, they were very kind to share. And very thoughtful to have remembered to save you some."
Sasuke's cheeks got redder.
When we got to the main house, Sasuke ran up to his room. It was time for another one of my checkups, so Itachi stayed with me downstairs to wait for the doctor. I could tell Sasuke was not happy by this, but he said nothing. His stomps said more than enough.
"You have to forgive him," Itachi said, pouring out a cup of hot water.
I plopped on the couch. "I don't get it! He just… doesn't like me." Sasuke did not dislike me, like he did with Shisui. But after all this time, we never got past lukewarm. Then there was Naruto, who I barely saw, yet was jumping every time I came near.
"I would not take it personally. My brother is… critical, by nature. He is good at finding flaws, in both himself and others. It is a strength, in that it drives him to succeed. But it can also make him blind to one's merits, which consequently makes him unwilling to interact or engage with many people."
"So what you're saying is, you're flawless," I teased. "That's why he loves you so much."
If Itachi missed a step, I did not catch it.
"I might simply be as good at hiding as he is at finding." With a smile, he offered me the cup. "I'm sure if he knew of them, his feelings towards me would change."
I took the cup into my hands and realized it was not hot water. It was not tea either, too dark and thick for that. The sweet smell tipped me off.
Chocolate!
Before I could thank Itachi, the front door opened. To my surprise, it was not Aunt Mikoto who stepped in, but Itachi's father. Behind him was not my regular doctor either, but some stranger.
"Is this the girl?"
Itachi's father gave a lazy nod, his gaze first on me, then on his son. To Itachi, he said to come join him in the other room.
The request caught Itachi off guard. He typically stayed with me during all my checkups. He and Aunt Mikoto both. Never had I been left alone, much less with a stranger.
I could tell Itachi's hesitation was making his father unhappy with him. I did not want that, so I put down my cup and asked the stranger, "Are you my doctor?"
"That, I have been called," the stranger replied, hands behind his back. He was slightly hunched, and there was a thick accent when he spoke.
He certainly looked different from all the doctors I had. There were no suitcases or bags on him. Even his clothes were funny. Still…
"My name is Ayae! Thank you for taking care of me!"
I exchanged a glance with Itachi, nudging him to go. I got this.
After Itachi followed his father out, the doctor got started.
Our session was unlike any I had before. He did not get out tools to listen to my heartbeat or ask me any questions.
Instead, he told me to stand straight and extend my arms. I did. My crooked arm and the scar made me feel slightly self-conscious, but he was polite to not ask about it.
He pressed his thumbs on my wrists. Then my elbows and arms. The whole experience was very weird, just him poking at parts of my body and rubbing at areas of my skin. Sometimes it tickled, especially when he got to my foot and ankles. I giggled.
The checkup took a long time so to fill the silence, we talked. I learned where he was from. It was some place super far! A whole other country . Not only that, he traveled that far for me. Hearing his tale stirred my heart, and I told him I was really grateful for his time and that I hoped he would be able to return to his family soon.
Laughing, he told me not to worry; my clan was no less family to him. He then asked me about myself. I told him my age and whatever came into my head. Mostly about school and Konoha. Because he was from far away, I told him that if he had the time, he should really try Ichiraku Ramen. Best ramen in Konoha and maybe the whole country!
He said he might just take my suggestion.
When the doctor folded his hands behind his back again, that was my cue that we had finished. I tugged down my shirt and asked if everything was okay.
He smiled and said more than okay.
"Is that so."
We turned to see Itachi's father had returned. Itachi was further behind in his shadow, his head bowed.
"Yes, what you have here is possibly the healthiest child I have ever seen."
I beamed at the praise, and the doctor's smile deepened.
"I can tell this girl follows a sound routine. Well nutritioned, with rightful amounts of rest and exercise. Not just that, her mind is in a good place. It appears her body has undergone a few shocks and disturbances in the past few years, but give it time and she will naturally rebalance."
His words were so different from those the other doctors gave. Everyone who examined me focused on my heart. They all said it was too irregular, that it was dangerous. Some told me I need to do physical therapy. Other said I would need to take pills, possibly for the rest of my life. This was the first time a doctor said I did not need to do anything to be perfectly fine.
I thought the news would make Itachi's father as happy as it did me. He always struck me as the non-fussy type. He probably liked it when things took care of themselves.
… but maybe I was too optimistic. If Itachi's father was pleased, he certainly did not look it.
"And her potential for ninjutsu?" he asked, arms folded.
I blinked.
The doctor studied Itachi's father carefully. Finally, he closed his eyes.
"The flow of her chakra is open and free. It is working in harmony with the rest of her body to feed her energy and life. It is working as it is meant."
Ninjutsu, on the other hand, takes nature's design and puts control in the hands of man. To make fire, you take from the fire in your stomach. To make air, you take from the air in your lungs. If not careful, you may grow up finding yourself cold. Suffocated. Parched. Barren. Lost.
The doctor said I have grown slower than other children my age. I was still unformed. If left untouched, my chakra pathways will finish sealing, and with it, my future as a ninja. If this displeased us, we had a narrow time window remaining to shatter them open. The history of our clan existed in my blood as much as theirs. My body only needed a trigger to remember.
He wrote for Itachi's father a note. Of what I would need to drink to break myself from the inside.
Once broken, I can be the kunoichi the clan wants.
Once broken, I will be able to do ninjutsu.
I will be able to do ninjutsu.
The words did not sink in immediately, but once it did, it was like a door just swung open. A door that I had been banging and banging at but refused to budge. And now, it was wide open.
All the magic I had seen, I would be able to do myself. Everything that had not been possible before suddenly was.
No more dragging down my team. No more being dead last. I could fight alongside Hana. I could go on missions with Gin.
I could catch up to Itachi. Travel the world and back. Live the tales in story books. We could...
Excited, I snapped my gaze to Itachi.
It looked like hell had opened beneath his feet and pulled him through.
