Homespun Episode Seven:
Homeschooled Part 1: Doing things Old School
...
Here we are at last, the first part of the patent Nobert episode three parter. Strap in folks this ended up being a long one.
G-Man 2.0:
I'll be curious to know who you think our secret listener is when this is all over. Glad you enjoyed the Aftermath in the meantime.
1602jaw:
Perky's more of a freak than I let on sometimes. She's been used as a honeytrap by Yerdey before. By that I mean she'll promise intimacy with partners then swim off without laying any roe for them to fertilizer... because mermaid. Herlock meanwhile is of course, as always, living in a very different world than the rest of us.
That Guy:
A lot of good theorizing is floating around the Aftermath studio, some of which made be validated by history, others could quickly be proven wrong, only time will tell. The game's still young. It'll be a while still until the true shape of everyone's intent makes itself known, but until then, it was fun to see the characters try and speculate for themselves.
TheMasterKat:
You're taking this turn better than I feared you would. Unfortunately, while I've grown to like Alucard I've also grown acutely aware of what a blood knight he is (Literally) while he may be nice to people he works with like Integra, Ceres and Queen Elizabeth the Second, the OVA also makes it clear that anyone else is fair game to be killed, up to and including innocent people. His rant to Integra in episode 3 makes that very clear. While I completely understand why someone else may want to gloss over Alucard's bloodthirsty side or only save it for villains, I've always enjoyed exploring those less idealized elements of my cast.
That being Al is being a little more violent than usual thanks to all that monster blood bouncing around his system, fortunately though for the cast he's still in control for now.
MemeKing the Third:
Glad you enjoyed seeing everyone again. It was very fun bringing some of these guys back. Some of them like Peter, I definitely missed writing. So much so you might just be hearing from him again sooner than you know.
...
Last time! On Total Drama Homespun!" Chris begins. "I had myself the best darn time a host could ask for, spending a challenge repeatedly blowing up my cast and the ratings over and over again. While some of the other staff and contestants disproved of my methods, but the end of the day I had everyone knowledgeable enough to build their own disaster houses. Just in time for Alucard to obliterate the Supertasks.
Ultimately, it was Herlock, playing his cards a bit too soon that ended up going home, but not before he could pass his legacy onto the trusted hands of his teams youngest player, Penny. Which I'm sure isn't going to put any sort of pressure on her at all."
...
"Annie…"
Jack Smith's handwriting, still awkward and blocky at his age dances across the page of the journal he brought from home.
"Things have been developing very interesting… so far I guess."
He crossed the last two words out for being unprofessional. Ever since he and his sister had discovered a magical Arthurian tree house that could travel through time, he'd taken being a professional scientist very seriously.
"Our team won again last night. We are good at that. We have only lost once, but when we did it went very, very badly. I'm worried about the next time it happens. Most of our team is nice but…"
He pauses, pencil lead bouncing indeterminately on paper as he wonders whether he should voice his next thought.
"…But Annie, you can tease me for this later but I'm having trouble making friends here without you. It's so different going on an adventure alone, without you or Teddy or Kathleen or Morgan. I wish you were here. I know you feel the same way. You are probably really bored alone back in Frog Creek. At least you have everyone back home to talk to. I have been trying to talk with my teammates but it's…" He thinks for a moment trying to find a more professional word than 'hard'. "…It's challenging, finding connections sometimes."
The ambient sounds of the Ordinals' cabin broke through his concentration. Jack's eyes drift eye briefly to the mezzanine above him, where Fry and Miko are currently shouting at the TV, both with controllers in their hands.
"We all know here that Fry is trying to be a good leader, and he is. But he's almost as much of a kid as you and me. He struggles sometimes to look after us.
Miko, I think you would get along with a lot. She's a lot like you, and the youngest person here besides me. But she doesn't have the same love for learning or books. She likes loud things, like battles and video games."
Beneath the mezzanine, in the small kitchen they'd been building with House Points, Katara's grabbing some juice from the fridge. She places the open container on the container and with her waterbending coxes a long trail of the beverage out into the air where it dances like a cobra. She splits it in two, half landing in her cup and half in one meant for her friend, The Princess, Zelda, currently standing next to her.
"Zelda is the person I might be closest to. She does love books as much as we do." Jack continues in his journal. "It seems like she's having trouble connecting with people too sometimes, she almost never leaves Katara's side. Katara is really nice to almost everyone, especially me. But I don't think I can call us friends. I think she and Zelda think they have to protect me because I'm the youngest. They act like babysitters sometimes. To me, but also to Fry.
Sometimes I think Katara feels she has to be the one to look after everyone else, even if it's not true."
Also in the kitchen. Meg Griffin quietly grabs a bag of tortilla chips from the pantry.
"Meg mostly seems nice, but sometimes she says things that make me very uncomfortable, Don't ask me to repeat them Annie. You already know too many bad words."
Shego emerges from the bathroom, hair done up in a towel. She ends up colliding with the girl, sending Meg crashing to the ground.
"Four eyes! Watch where you're going!" Shego snaps.
"I don't like Shego." Jack writes. "No one likes Shego."
"I'm so sorry!" Meg pleads quickly.
"You want another repeat of the love juice incident? That it? Are you trying to sabotage me?"
"No, I swear-"
"Or are you just so stupidly klutzy you can't move three feet without getting in my way!?"
"You ran into me!"
"You ran into me. Wah. I can't wait to lose again, so we can finally get rid of you!"
"She's not the one going home next Shego!"
Katara's materialized next to Meg, glaring daggers into the supervillainess who responds in kind.
"Yeah? Hate to break it to you Splashes but just because you got a problem with me doesn't mean the rest of the team does."
"Yes, it does!"
"Katara, not this again," Zelda says wearily. Her friend pivots to her.
"I'm not letting her get away with bullying Meg! Not unless she wants to deal with me."
Green energy surges from Shego's hands.
"Oh, you do not want to start playing that game."
"Try me."
"SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Everyone winces and looks up at the large hammock suspended from the ceiling, where a very angry and very avian face has just emerged.
"THE GREAT AND MIGHTY AND ALL-POWERFUL, VULTUREMAAAN! IS TRYING TO NAAAAP! SO KEEP IT DOOOOOWN!"
Vultureman turns over in his roost. The others glance at each other and withdraw silently. Shego and Katara still glaring at one another.
Mildly shaken Jack returns to his journal.
"Vultureman scares me sometimes." He admits.
His eyes drift to a dark room through an open door.
"Alucard can be kind of scary sometimes too. Especially the last few days."
Much of the last batch of House Points had been invested into giving Alucard his own chambers for his coffin. Everyone else has agreed rather unanimously it was getting uncomfortable trying to sleep in the same space as the vampire.
Alucard was out at the moment, sometimes he'd disappear like that, roaming somewhere in the House presumably. Nobody had yet worked up the courage to ask him where he went.
"I thought after all our adventures I was getting good at talking to new people. As it turns out I was just good at doing it with my sister besides me. But I will keep trying. If I can find one person to be friends with life will be so much easier here.
The good news for now is no one seems to not like me. Maybe it turns out I am good at this game.
Will write again soon.
Jack."
Jack tears the page from the journal and inspects his letter for spelling errors.
As he's doing that Fry descends from the mezzanine.
"What's going on?" He asks in a low voice, weary of his monstrous teammate sleeping above them. "Why was everyone disturbing one of Vultureman's patented vulture naps?"
"It's nothing," Zelda says dismissably. "Just silly arguing about who's going home next."
"Guys I keep telling you," Fry insists. "It's not worth thinking like that. We'll keep winning."
"But when we do lose…"
"We're not going to lose. No one else is going home."
Wallace Wells draws back the curtains of his bunk bed, carrying a packed suitcase.
"Welp, I'm going home. See you around the multiverse gang."
"What!?" Fry yelps. The hammock above them growls.
"What?" He repeats more softly. "Wallace, what are you talking about?"
"I've done what I came for," Wallace explains. "All that's left to do is find Chris and tell him I want to get out of here."
With that Wallace steps out the front door of their cabin.
"Wallace wait!" Fry cries charging after him.
"Wait. If you're going to find Chris I'm going too." Jack says. "I need to find out how to mail a letter back home."
…
"Thank you all for coming, I know Yellow and Blue Toad, had a bit of a scheduling conflict, so their attendance today is deeply appreciated."
Chris and Chef stand at the front of a large room, most of House's staff (Baring a couple hundred of the thousand toads) are seated before them.
Standing next to the hosts is a large display depicting a crude marker drawing of Alucard. Around it written in multiple people's handwriting are several additions.
"Rah!"
"Boo!
"Very scary!"
"Cool hat."
"He's not very polite though."
"His hat's too cool to be polite."
"Now, normally when I host a season of Total Drama everything goes amazing," Chris says. "So I'm not saying this is you guys' fault, but Alucard's run isn't exactly going to plan."
"Problem is we're stuck between a rock in a hard place," Chef says. "Ever since he had that little feast in the Mystery Flesh Pit, Alucard's been too powerful to make the game fair, potentially opening up the show to lawsuits."
"However if give him the boot out of nowhere for ambiguous reasons we could also potentially get sued down the line," Chris says.
In the front row, Conner O'Gleeson chuckles sardonically "We wouldn't have to get rid of him if you'd been smart enough to keep someone as obviously dangerous as that bloodsucker off the show."
"I told you this is on you dudes!" Chris insists. "And we're not getting rid of Alucard, he's too cool, and he wouldn't take it well. We'll just have to find some way to de-power him."
"What makes you think I'd like that any better?"
"Alucard!" Chris says, an octave higher than his usual voice. "We were just talking about you."
"Yet you didn't think to invite me?"
"This meeting's kind of supposed to be private here?" Daisy says annoyed.
"And this competition was supposed to be fair," Alucard says silkily. "Wasn't that what you promised day one? Yet here you all are plotting to sabotage one of your contestants because the game's not giving you the results you wanted?"
"Al, This is all a misunderstanding," Chris says. "We're just saying that it'd be a lot more fun for everyone if you played fair."
Alucard frowns, he marches up to the host, so that their faces are inches apart, then peels off his gold-lensed glasses, revealing burning red eyes.
"I've entertained these pathetic games so long because I was promised they'd be fair, but I'm getting more bored of them every day, and now it seems you don't think you have to play by your own rules. I don't appreciate being toyed with like this. I find it dishonourable,"
"Dude! You're on Total Drama!" Chris says. "No one comes out of this with dignity!"
The vampire snarls "Maybe you'd prefer if we did things my way!?"
He grabs Chris by the collar and hoists him into the air.
Several toads yelp in fright, Rosalina and the three princesses are on their feet.
"Back off guy!" Daisy shouts.
"Let him go Al, you've made your point," Conner says boredly.
The vampire's gaze pivots to Conner. He drops Chris, the host straightening out his shirt in annoyance.
"Dude! Not. Cool." He grumbles.
Man… I thought you vampires were supposed to respect hospitality or something?"
"As lords of this estate, I will follow whatever rules you give me," Alucard says, causally, sliding his glasses back on. "But if you break your own rules, all agreements are off. There's no honour in that, but if that's how you all want to behave then go ahead."
"I'll enjoy the opportunity for another feast."
He laughs, slow at first, before lapsing crescendo of a cackle that reverbs around the room as he slinks through another wall and disappears.
A moment of silence follows before Peach clears her throat.
"Perhaps we should break for tea?"
…
Everyone takes a moment to collect themselves and indulge in the warm beverages and pastries that seem ever-present when one's immersed in the culture of the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach joins them once they're settled, having calmed her fretful subjects. She grabs a plate and begins loading it with little sweets.
"Gosh that guy's scary when he wants to be," Toad says.
"Alucard isn't going to hurt, anyone," Conner says causally. "He'd love to but he can't. His Master, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing of the Hellsing Organization forbade it."
"Are you sure of that?" Rosalina asks. Conner nods.
"They spoke about it last night. I was out of the house but it was plot relevant so I overheard anyway."
"And, of course, so long as we're in Rodney's lovely home nothing can harm us." Peach states.
"Quite right you are Princess," Rodney says humbly. "This is no dilemma we can't solve. With my home and everyone's exceptional skills, we will see through this cloud of trouble. I'm sure there will come a solution all parties will find agreeable. Perhaps, even if they don't quite remember why."
"No!" Chris says with unusual severity.
"No what?" Entrapta asks.
"Never you mind what!"
"The Producers don't want me using my powers this season," Conner explains.
"Oh." Entrapta blinks. "Wait, that doesn't add up. I thought you were already using your powers? For the camera and everything?"
"I have other powers," Conner chuckles. "I'm a god of television, you're a member of a production I'm part of I can potentially hold a lot of power over you and you're mind,"
"Wait! Wait! Wait!" Daisy cries. "Conner! You're telling us you can brainwash people? That's awesome!"
"Er... no. Or probably no. Never tried, and quite frankly, I don't want to. I don't so much add to people's minds as I do subtract.
I can make people fit a certain mould. See a lot of people we work with are very similar to characters we came up with in our stories back in me and Chris's version of Earth. I'm good at strengthening that bond, I can suppress memories and traits that don't align with what my world'd see as canon. I can also if it makes the narrative flow better nerf the hell out of people's powers, as the kids say."
"My word!"
Toadsworth has just strolled up to the group. The old Toad's eyes looking up at Conner in amazement.
"Remarkable O'Gleeson. Truly good show, yes. But could it work on something as powerful as that monster Alucard?"
Conner's ego seems to swell.
"Could it? Ask your Princess Gramps. Back in her season, I had none other than Athena of Olympus competing alongside her. Boiled that War goddess's powers right down to something manageable, and no one ever complained about her. Went off without a hitch."
"Real shame not all of them turned out that way eh O'Gleeson?" Chef snarls. Conner falters.
"Ah... no. I guess it's worth noting we did have some odd kinks here or there. Particularly with the… the um… memory thing. Especially with one contestant."
He coughs awkwardly. Suddenly unable to look in Peach's direction. The Princess had been silent and staring at him the whole while he'd been talking.
"Talking about this is pointless." Chef insists. "It's like Chris says. Conner's banned by the showrunners from doing that kind of thing again. Under any circumstances."
"Okay yes but-"
"Any circumstances!"
"Yeah… but it's different with Alucard. I'm sure even Peach-"
"No."
The Princess's tone is polite but unyielding.
"Never again Conner." Says Peach.
Conner's various protests seem to die and he nods, ego-tempered.
"You know what I think?" Says Daisy suddenly. "We should get another crazy monster guy and put him on the Supertasks."
"That has potential," Chris admits.
"No, it's not. Mid-season entries are tacky." Conner says dismissively. "We'll find some way to deal with it, we got time, just so long as there's no more distractions."
The doorbell rings. First once, then several times in a row.
Conner groans.
…
Lo and behold as with every other time they've been summoned to it, there on the doorstep in Perky the Mermaid. This time she has with her a trumpet and a large bass drum strapped to her front, like she's in a marching band.
"Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me? OoooOOoo-oh-oh.
Don't you want me, baby?
Don't you want me? For your game!"
"How many times Perky! No!" Conner barks.
"Would you just give me a chance already!"
"NO! Listen to me! You don't just get to be in this season because you were part of the last one!"
"Why's she here then!?" Perky demands pointing a finger at Peach's chest.
"She volunteered to be an intern," Chris says, folding his arms and looking down his nose at Perky. "And she brought a whole private army for me to use. You got one of those?"
"Uh yes!" Perky says.
"We're not counting your little squid enabler or any of his friends." Conner clarifies.
Somewhere in the bushes where he's presumably hiding, Yerdey Yisme sighs.
"Yeah pal, shame on me for trying to make my henchwoman happy right? Real asshole Yerdey is."
"Conner please!" Perky says, dropping her act and her instruments and begging. "Please, please, please, please let me on your show again! I promise I won't get in the way. Whatever you want from me I'll do it!"
Chris laughs. "Oh really."
"Really, I swear anything!" Perky says emphatically.
"Dude? Uh, I hate to break it to you but in order to compete, or volunteer, or do anything on this show. You uh, you kind of need working legs."
He gestures to her fish bowl and her little blue mermaid tail. Perky flushes self-consciously.
"But there were like five different guys with wheelchairs last season!"
"It was only two," Conner says. "Neither of them had to drag around a heavy fishbowl."
Perky pouts then crossly she begins shimming out of her bowl.
"Fine! No! That's okay! You don't want the fishbowl! Then I can just hang out on land like the cool kids!"
She slips out onto the ground and starts thrashing around on the ground like a tuna loose on the deck of a fishing trawler.
"Perky would you cut that out!? Cut it out! Get out of here! You're getting water on Rodney's carpet!"
"Too late! I'm already in the house!"
"Conner…" Peach says. "Maybe it wouldn't hurt to give her a chance?"
"No. Someone get the broom."
…
Wallace marches the hall opening doors. Fry and Jack trailing.
"I don't understand!" Cries the Ordinals captain. "Why give up when you're doing well!?"
"It's nothing personal Fry, I just didn't come to win. Total Drama has been popular over in Toronto lately. My old roommate Scott was on a season called Bon Voyage, his girlfriend Ramona and Julie or whatever her name is were both on Endless last season. Everyone's been competing, but no one's done well." Wallace explains.
"I bet everyone that if I competed, I'd get further than they did, and as of last episode, I officially have. My purpose has been fulfilled."
"Wallace, think about this!" Fry begs. "I mean… we're talking about you potentially losing five million dollars here! Even I wouldn't blow that much money…. Expect that one time I lost 4.3 Billion dollars. But that was different! And besides, I wouldn't do it twice."
"I've done my research on this show," Wallace says blithely. "Even if I did win half the time people don't get to keep the prize money. Now that I beat my buddies, the only thing I have to gain from sticking around here is humiliation. So I'd like to leave on my own terms before any more sexually charged women hurl themselves at me."
Something slams into Wallace, knocking him to the ground.
It's Perky.
"Oh, hi there fellow contestant!" She says batting her eyelashes at him. "Hey you're kind of cute ain't ya?"
"Are you kidding?" Wallace demands to the heavens.
Perky laughs flirtatiously, then stops abruptly, looking up at Wallace, Fry, Jack, and the hallway behind them with an odd sense of shock.
"Uh hi?" Jack says. "Are you part of the house? Do you know where Chris and Rodney are?"
Jack turns to look over his shoulders. Alucard is standing further down the hall, surveying them in the distance.
"What's wrong? Are you scared of Alucard?"
"Keep your hands off him, he's mine," Wallace tells her.
She begins to stammer something but doesn't get to chance to say it. The staff have caught up to them. Chef grabbing the Mermaid by her tail and hauling her off Wallace.
"You heard the hosts. This show's for people with legs only fish girl."
"Wait!" Perky says. Tone now urgent. "No! Wait you have to listen!"
"The heck I don't! Everybody duck your heads! TEN HUT!"
Returning to the front door, he pitches back and kicks Perky out to the door. She goes sailing off the asteroid and into the darkness of space. Crying out as she goes.
"Waaaaaaait!"
"Wow! She when far!" Daisy cries.
Chef looks proud.
"Haven't sent something that far since my old college football days."
"Well, there's still Alucard to deal with, but that's one problem dealt with," Chris says chipperly.
"Let's hope she gets the message this time."
"There's no need to be mean Conner," Peach says.
Conner gives her a look.
"Uh yeah, more like theirs every reason to be mean. Don't trust Perky"
"Why not?" Daisy asks curiously.
Peach looks confused as well. "She seemed nice last season."
"You don't know the things I know about that mermaid and her Fiseng friends," Conner warns. "But it doesn't matter. That's the last we're seeing of her this season."
Chris squints and looks off.
"Uh… Is that an SUV?"
Rodney chuckles.
"Oh dear… I'm afraid they've finally noticed us."
Sure enough, the others look and see. There is in fact a black and red sports utility vehicle doing donuts in the void of space and blaring music out of its open windows. The odd occupants bobbing their head
Jack looks to the staff curiously. "You know these people?"
Conner chuckles wearily. "Some odd friends of me and Rodney's."
The vehicle lands and from the front emerges a surly-looking black and red anthropomorphic hedgehog.
"Conner! You're back!"
"'Fraid so. They just couldn't keep me away."
He and the hedgehog engage in a long drawn-out, and overly complicated handshake.
"Why didn't reach out?"
"Well…"
"Timmy?"
"Pretty much."
"Uh anyone know what's up, or am I just out of the loop?" Chef asks.
"This is Shadow the Hedgehog. King of NickEarth, aka the Planet of the Nicktoons," Conner says.
"Also known as the one you're currently orbiting at a distance," Shadow clarifies, gesturing to the dark sky where an Earth like blue orb and its moon hang.
"Okay… I might not be up to date with my Saturday morning cartoons but last I heard this guy was supposed to be a video game character?" Wallace says, gesturing to Shadow. "How'd you end up running cartoon land?"
"There was a glitch in the fabric of reality some years ago, that allowed some of the local inhabitants of the Planet Mobius to cross over to NickEarth," Rodney informs them.
"I overthrew Old Man Jenkins and seized the throne," Shadow says causally. "It was easy, he was a frail old man, and I was the Ultimate Lifeform, which powers he couldn't imagine… like gun violence. Also, uh who the damn are you people? You new interns on Conner's show?"
"Yeah hi! Thanks for noticing me finally! I'm the guy that created quote on quote Conner's show by the way!" Chris says heatedly.
"Proper introductions are in order." Rodney insists. "Shadow, this is Chris McLean, and Norbert Hatchet, the creators of the Total Drama contest. Then there are our interns, you of course remember the Lovely Princess Peach from last season, this time she's brought along some of her friends."
Shadow nods. "Nice to see you again, Your Highness."
"Likewise," Peach says politely. "Always so nice to see old friends."
The hedgehog smirks. "Then it's a good thing I brought guests."
"Is that Peachy I hear?" Someone in the car asks.
Peach gasps.
"Lenny?"
Letsplay Lenny's just emerged from the backseat of the SUV, beaming radiantly.
"Hello, you!"
"Lenny!"
Peach comes bounding over to him and he wraps her in an embrace.
"Oh, it's been too long!" She cries.
Someone clears their throat behind her and she turns and once more gasps in delight.
"Starlord!"
A grinning Peter Quill has materialized as well, with him Bridgette, his Aftermath Co-host.
"Great to see you Toadstool."
"What are you both doing here?"
"Great question Princess," Chris says, strolling up to them looking nowhere near as happy.
"Aren't you three supposed to be back at the studio?"
"What for? We film an episode a week," Peter says. "We taped yesterday's episodes then King Shadow came poking around, we got the chatting and decided what the hell? Let's go surprise our favourite Gaming Gal?"
"Good for you. Unfortunately, our schedule's a lot busier than yours so beat it!"
Peter looks taken aback.
"Take it easy we're just saying hi to the Princess."
"Do that some time that's not on my time."
"Man, you are a serious hard ass. I can see why no one likes you."
Chris goes red.
"Ignore him he's just cranky this morning because he got bullied by a vampire," Conner says, patting Chris on the back condescendingly. Chris turns redder.
"So you're part of production again Mr Quill is it?" Rosalina asks drifting over.
"Uh yeah," Peter says craning his neck up to meet the eye of the floating space goddess. "Kind of a spin-off show we're doing back on NickEarth. Can't go into it more with the contestants around right Bridgette?"
"Oh!" Entrapta says. "You mean the After-"
Chris puts a hand over her mouth.
"They'll know about it when the time's right, but that's all we can say for now," She says winking in the direction of the three Ordinals. "Still, nice to come over and visit the show. Chris never used to let me and Geoff do this when it was just him as host."
"I didn't exactly invite you this time either, did I?" Chris asks under his breath.
"You five are more than welcome to stay until the next tapping," Rodney offers. "Goodness knows my house has room for everyone."
"Ah, Hell yeah!" Peter says. "I barely got to see your place last time!"
"This'll be brilliant." Lenny declares. "Me, Quill, Conner and sweet Peachy can have ourselves a little Endless reunion. Perhaps we should even do some sort of special challenge?"
"Yea-Yes!" Peter says excitedly. "Oh that be sweet, we could all do a special episode together."
"Since when do you come up with challenge ideas?" Chris demands.
Rodney chortles.
"I suppose last time we were all together, the episode did seem to go out longer than normal." He says apparently having not heard Chris.
"That challenge wasn't too bad Rod, we had ones after that post-merge that went for months," Conner says, thinking for a moment then seeming to come around to things. "You know? What the hell? We're ahead of schedule, we could afford to do a week-long challenge or something for old times' sake. Have the old gang join us, and make a big thing out of it. So long as we keep the betting ring out of it this time and stay off my ship we could have a good time."
Peach claps her hands together in delight.
"That sounds like a wonderful idea!"
"And, it'd give us some time to find a solution to our vampire problem," Rosalina adds.
Chris steps between everyone and gestures to himself crossly.
"Okay! Seriously! Chris here! Host of the show! Isn't there someone you're forgetting to ask!?"
"Oh yes, of course," Peach says. "Chris, may we do a special episode with our dear friends?"
"NO!" Chris snaps. "We're not doing some boring special just special just because Conner's friends are in town!"
"Some of us aren't in town, we live here," Shadow says. Chris ignores him.
"I just got this house to work for me, and I intend to capitalize on that by giving the viewers what they want! High-octane actions, explosions, super extreme gross-out, humiliation and above all-"
"Hey there Chris could I get a word in?" Wallace Wells interjects, placing a hand on Chris's shoulder and giving his host an overly friendly smile.
"As one of those active contestants, you people throw all your fun ideas at. While me and the gang have been thoroughly enjoying the last few days of fighting mythical monsters, being trapped in the fleshy bowels of an eldritch horror, and being caught in fifty natural disasters at the same time, maybe, just maybe we could slow it down for a week? Just to help better pace things out for the viewers at home?"
Chris begins to protest.
"…Also, if you don't listen to these people, I'm quitting the show right here and now," Wallace says quickly.
"Wait?" Fry says. "If we got this long episode, you'd stay Wallace?"
"I'd consider it at least."
Fry grabs Chris's shirt.
"Please give us the special episode!"
Chris looks around at all the expectant faces surrounding him and moans bitterly.
"Fine! We'll do your stupid special!"
The group cheers.
"Nice job Wallace," Fry says.
"Do you think these guys are going to go easier on us?" Jack asks.
Wallace grimaces. "They can't be worse than Chris."
"You're probably right," Jack concedes. He looks up to the excited staff members and their strange new friends. "What do you have in mind for us?"
Peter's face lights up.
"I got an idea."
…
Though it's nowhere near the waterlogged shack it once was, the Supertask's cabin remains much more Spartan than that of their competition. With only one victory under their belt the Supertasks have only a small impoverished motel room to their name, not that any of them are complaining about it. The mattresses may be firm but they are at least useable.
Still, there are worse things to be concerned about, at least that is for Penny Crayon. The team's youngest member sitting on her bed, staring contemplatively at the hunting cap of Herlock Sholmes, who'd given it to hear as he had departed, along with the herculean task of exposing and overthrowing their team captain, the dubious yet charismatic Officer Tenpenny.
"It's messed up ain't it?"
Steve Harrington flops down on her bed without invitation. Penny quickly hides the cap beneath her pillow.
"Is it?"
"Herlock betraying the team," Steve says. "We're already down players but just when we get a halfway decent captain that asshole tries to throw him under the bus,"
"We were going to lose anyway with that vampire on the other team,"
Steve sniffs indignantly.
"Yeah but… I mean still hurts to know there was someone here not working with the team in mind."
"Perhaps he thought he was doing something for the team?"
"What by going against the captain? No, it was a selfish play. That's the kind of thing that'll keep losing us players if we don't cut it out, and there's people here I don't want going home."
"Whom may that be?"
Steve and Penny look up. Elizabeth is looking at them inquiring from her own bed.
"I-basically, uh, I mean everyone basically. We're getting to that point where everyone's too valuable to lose."
Elizabeth laughs.
"Even the rabbit?"
"Yeah, sure, Max too. Why not?"
"What of me Mr. Harrington? Do you see value there?"
Steve looks flounders slightly. Elizabeth's gaze penetrates him.
"I mean… yeah. Yeah! Absolutely. I thought you were gonna be I don't know some like stuffy princess we'd have to take care of, but you've been taking care of yourself, you've been like… really, really keeping pace with all this craziness. It's impressive."
It wasn't an empty compliment, there was truth to the fact that Miss Bennet was adapting to this environment so beyond what anyone in her contemporary time could have possibly envisioned. She had spent the first few days in full dress, her hair teased up and her flowing gowns made of rich silks. Now though she left their cabin in as close to a causal look as existed in the 1810s, having shed her laces and ribbons and evening gloves for a simple muslin gown. Her hair's once elaborate curls had been tied back in a practical bun. Her mannerisms had grown much more casual as well. No longer did she stand amongst them with the rigid posture of a porcelain doll, Now she had one knee tucked up on the bed and hugged it, all the while laughing jovially. Steve grinned and caught Penny giving him a knowing look out of the corner of his eye.
"What?"
A bell rang, shattering the moment.
"What's with all the racket!?" Penny shouts deafly.
"Our host surely, likely accompanied by something terribly disagreeable." Elizabeth sighs, then smirks and the two of them. "Not much good in delaying then, let us see exactly how disagreeable he intends to be this day."
…
The contestants file out from their cabin, every single morning they do some different environment always seems to greet them, today being no exception.
Today they find themselves in a large school gymnasium, complete with bleachers a non-electronic scoreboard, basketball hoops, and even a large mural for the school team The Rodney High Rodents.
As soon as the last of them have stepped off their porch, the laminated floor slides open and both cabins are lowered out of sight, the floor closes again over them as if they were never there.
"Well that's new," Katara says.
"Yup. Today's going to be a weird one."
Wallace comes walking over, with him, Fry and Jack.
"Wallace you're back!" Meg cries.
"Does this mean you'll be staying after all?" Zelda asks.
"For now." He says.
"We worked something out with the staff," Fry informs them.
"Did you?" Zelda says curiously. "Is this strange place your doing?"
A sharp whistle draws their attention. The cast turns and sees Conner, Shadow, Chris, Rodney, Entrapta and Peter, Peter holding the whistle around his neck.
"Look alive Homespun cast! The holidays are over! Class in session."
"And you are?" Bruce asks.
"I have many names. But you shall know me as, Starlord!"
Shego snickers.
"Starlord?"
"Infamous outlaw and galactic hero…" Peter continues unabated. "I was an intern last season.
Also from last season is Lenny, and Shadow over here, kind of a big deal this guy is, at least in Rodney's universe, then behind us waving to you on the bleachers is Bridgette. She's gen one. Talkin' first batch of contestants to ever compete on this show fifty years ago. So you know, also pretty big deal.
But we're not just here so you newbies can geek out over us. No sir. I'm here to congratulate you guys."
"Uh, thanks?" Katara says uncertainly.
"For what?" Tenpenny asks.
"For making it this far."
The cast glance at one another uncertain if he's being serious. Peter holds up a hand.
"No. Before you say anything I'm not joking about that. Way I hear anyone crazy enough to do so hoping they're not one of the poor sons of bitches that gets booted out of the game right at the start. Well houseguests, pat yourselves on the back because from here on out that's not you. You're officially all as of this moment mid-way through the pre-merge and all have potential to be serious players. Maybe you'll even be the one the make off with the cash."
"They've got a lot to worry about before that Peter," Bridgette says strolling down from the bleachers with her hands in the front pockets of her hoodie. "But things are about to get interesting around here. Now that you've all known each other a week bet there's probably some pretty tight cliques forming right? Friendships, rivalries, alliances, maybe even some romance? Take it from someone who played the game day one, no matter how many bears or gross food or traumatic challenges Chris throws at you, it's the bonds you form with each other that'll stick with you after this is over."
She pauses reflectively.
"I mean… You know, still took years of therapy to get the things Chris did to be, but I like to try and focus on the positives."
"What Bridgette's trying to say is we thought it'd be interesting to put a pause on the big, loud McLean torture fests and give you guys a nice long week-spanning challenge to socialize," Conner explains.
"…and you'll be one place where popularity matters more than this game," Bridgette says. "High school!"
"High school?" Penny echoes confused.
"High school!" Peter says definitively. "If you haven't been, don't worry, neither have I. After my mom died when I was eight, I was taken in by Yondu and his crew and spent the rest of my childhood off Terra out in the galaxy. But if John Hughes is right about things, and he always is, High school is a cruel, hierarchal but ultimately kick-ass place for a formative young mind.
And to really seal those Hughes vibes, not only will you folks be going through a week of make-believe high school for this challenge, you'll be doing it in the single greatest period in all of Terran history! The 1980s!"
"YES!" Steve shouts.
"Who here's never attended any sort of formal school with other students?" Conner asks.
"My father insisted on private tutelage," Zelda says raising her hand. "But the thought of studying in a group with so many others is very exciting."
Katara and Elizabeth's hands go up as well. Vultureman trills affirmatively. Alucard, who had at some point returned to the group, nods.
"Out of curiosity which of you has any sort of education in the 80s?" Peter asks. "Don't have to be high school, anything from kindergarten to college counts."
Peter himself raises his hand, as does Chris.
Shego's, Olivia's, Tenpenny's, Jack's, Penny's, Bruce's, Wallace's and Steve's hands go up as well.
Tenpenny looks over to Bruce.
"Wayne, what gives? I thought you were from the thirties?"
Bruce smiles. "People are just big fans of Art Deco back in Gotham, it's actually 1992 back there."
"No shit. It's the same year back in Los Santos."
"Small world. Or…small multiverse I suppose."
Peter surveys the forest of raises hands with approval.
"Alright. Right on. Looks like this'll be familiar territory for most of you. Especially Harrington over there."
The Supertask's resident 80s teen cheers.
"I am so ready for this man,"
"Hell yeah!"
He and Steve fist bump.
"You and I are going to get along famously Harrington.
Those few of you not in the know don't worry, this will come easy enough."
He leads them out into a hallway lined with lockers.
"Starting tomorrow, Every day for a week you'll report here to Rodney High to take classes, do gym, socialize, and talk about the opposite sex by your lockers."
"Who's going to be teaching us?" Katara asks.
"Yours truly," Peter says proudly. "Along with Bridgette, Lenny, Shadow, Timmy and some of your fine staff."
He stops the group in front of a principal's office and knocks on the door.
"You go ladies?"
They hear a giggle from the other end.
"Ready!"
The door opens and out steps Peach and Daisy both beaming. The princesses look like they've stepped out of a 1980s fashion magazine, Peach wears a bright broad-shouldered pink blazer with a matching skirt, a white blouse with a ribbon on its collar, and dark leggings with white pumps. Daisy has on an oversized orange power suit, again with massive shoulder pads, and a loose cream-coloured blouse. Both women had their hair teased up into big gravity-defying curls and waves, and their make-up and jewelry is just as big and loud.
The only things about them that don't seem era accurate is their headwear, in lieu of their normal crowns, Peach now dons a pair of pink cat ears and Daisy for reasons that surely make sense to her and her alone, now has an upside brass teapot perched atop her head.
"Principal Peach and Vice-Principal Daisy reporting for duty." Peach chirps then turns to the contestants with another giggle. "Though I hope none of you will have to report to me."
"That's right! Stay in line this week or you're going to have to answer to the princesses!" Daisy says.
"Where's our other VP?" Bridgette asks.
They hear Rosalina shuffling inside the office.
"I changed my mind! I'm not ready for this!"
"Oh yes, you are!"
Daisy rushes back into the office and drags out her friend. Rosalina appears, similarly dressed to her two friends head to toe in 80s business attire, her quirk seems to be that she's wearing the ears, tail and mask of a raccoon dog.
"Lookin' good Rosie," Bridgette says.
"I'm not sure…" Rosalina says, attempting to smooth down her eighties curls back into the long bang that usually covers one-half of her face. "I'm not used to seeing with both eyes."
"If it makes you feel any better you are… stunning," Peter says. "I mean… wow…" Rosalina looks away and with a slight blush mutters a quiet thank you.
Peter continues staring at Rosalina as if in a daze. Bridgette hard elbows him in the gut, he sputters, then seems to return his senses.
"Uh, what was I saying? Right!"
They follow him out the front doors, beyond the front plaza of the school a scene of late 20th century small-town Americana greats them.
Steve whistles.
"Holy shit, this could almost be Hawkins,"
He stops smiling and squints.
"...Except for that."
The other contestants look as well. In the distance, they see the townsfolks and their fellow classmates. More robotic creations of the house. All dressed in eighties attire, and all for one reason or another, anthropomorphic animals.
"Uh… Oh-kay how to say it?" Miko asks. "Chris, why are all our classmates furries?"
"Ask Rodney," Chris insists boredly.
The squirrel chuckles awkwardly.
"Yes, it seems that when Peter and the others gave me the instructions for the kind of NPCs they wanted my own subconscious audience memories of my school years may have been factored in, resulting in well… non-human townspeople we'll call them."
"I don't see anything wrong," Shadow says.
"Well yeah, but to the rest of us, no offence but it's kind of weird," Meg says. He looks at her.
"Too bad, because to fit in, you'll all be dressing the part."
"That means 80s fashion and animal ears." Bridgette smiles.
"Is that what's up with you three?" Fry asks the Principals. Peach nods.
"That's right, me and Rosalina had a little help from some items I had brought. She's a Tanuki, I'm a cat."
"And I'm an elephant!" Daisy declares gesturing to the teapot on her head. Rosalina gives her a look of surprise.
"Is that what you are? Daisy, why didn't you import some elephant fruit from the Flower Kingdom?"
Daisy grimaces.
"Yeah… no thanks."
"We don't ever need to be elephants again," Peach insists.
"We're good."
"Yes."
"One and done."
"Very wonderful adventure all of us had but I'd be happy to not repeat it."
"Also, a balloon, really, never want to ever be a balloon again."
"No."
"You'd agree if you'd been there Ross."
"Can I stick a broom on my head and say I'm a giraffe?" Shego asks.
"Everyone's going to meet the dress code one way or another," Shadow assures her.
"It's the only way your classmates will talk to you." Rodney laughs.
Shego blows a stray hair out of her face.
"I don't want to talk to your weird robots."
"Well too bad, because much like real high schools probably like, popularity matters," Peter warns. "At the end of the week, we'll be having something of a special dance."
"Prom?" Miko asks.
"We're calling it Homecoming but basically, yeah. You guys get to dance, romance, and wear some tacky dated prom tuxes and little shiny dresses that look like cupcakes. But importantly we'll be crowning ourselves a head of class, and a Homecoming King and Queen. I, E person with the best grades and the most popular boy and girl.
Team with the most teammates crowned gets immunity and a week's worth of house points, Losers… we'll you people know the drill by now."
"So essentially all we got to do for the next week is survive being back in high school?" Sam asks. "Sounds easy enough."
"Sounds like a reoccurring nightmare of mine." Max quips. "You're a real character McLean. Let me tell you."
"This isn't on me," Chris insists. "Trust me, this challenge is going to be as stupid as it sounds. But you know what? If the rest of the staff want to bomb the show for an extended episode then they're more than welcome. Just want everyone to know when this all goes south that I had no part in it. Because I'll be treating this as a vacation for myself, one I get to point and laugh at everyone by the end of, aka the best kind of vacation."
Chris chuckles, then raises an eyebrow.
"Unless all you campers want to do a real challenge, like a killer buffet full of exotic delicacies that'll make you hurl, or a seventeen-part torture course that'll leave at least one of you bald and three of your naked and covered in sores, or-"
"School's good," Max says.
"Sure do love me some school," Miko declares.
"Really is underappreciated school is," Penny comments.
"Fine,"
Chris throws them a sour look.
"Guess I'm the only one around here that knows what makes for good television, but whatever. You losers enjoy your math homework, I'm off to enjoy the numerous resorts and spas Rodney built me in the staff quarters."
…
Several minutes later Katara emerges from the woman's changing room by the gym. She had been expecting the chance to get to pick out an outfit or animal herself, instead one had been waiting for her. A denin (That's what everyone around here was calling that blue fabric wasn't it) jacket, white sneakers (Again that's what her teammates called these kinds of shoes) skirt and a navy-blue top with her people's tribal emblem on it. She'd also been given a pair of rounded brown animal ears, a belt with a short tail attached, and a little tin of grease paint to paint the tip of her nose. The package said she was supposed to be an animal called an "Otter" which she supposed was like the Otter-penguins back home at the South Pole or the Koalaotters she had seen during her time at the North Pole
All her friends on the team talked of their being different animals back home than the ones she was used to, even Zelda whose kingdom of Hyrule seemed to be completely unconnected from the "United States" most of the team hailed from spoke of similar animals to the rest cast. At least sometimes.
Her teammates could be weird, but of course, so was the house. There was a lot to get used to, but she felt she was handling it well.
"Katara!"
She looked up and saw Meg and Miko bonding over, excited as always.
"I love your clothes!" Gushes Meg. Katara beams.
"Thanks. You guys look great too."
"You're just saying that," Meg says. "I never look cool."
"Sure you do."
She brought out the pamphlet she'd found in the parcel with her clothes. In it, there were descriptions (This time in her own script thankfully) about all kinds of period-appropriate clothing and different species of animals.
"Here in the 80s all your robotic classmates take looking good very seriously" It assures her. "If you're looking to stay popular then be warned, not knowing the lingo for clothes, hair and make-up is a total fashion faux-pas"
According to the pamphlet Miko has on something called athletic wear, a baggy t-shirt, a headband, legwarmers and dolphin shorts. Her makeup and hand accessories were apparently supposed to make her look like a "Seal"
Meg had been given something more cozy, a pair of denim overalls with a frilly pink T-shirt underneath. Her hair is tied to the side with a scrunchie. She has on the ears and tail of a bear.
Miko gives her a shove.
"Don't kid yourself! You look dope! Retro look is majorly in right now."
"Where's Zelda?" Katara asks.
The three of them look about. Vultureman is emerging from the men's changing room in a red variety jacket, jeans and black high-heeled boots, apparently, no extra animal motifs were required for him. Fry and Wallace shadow him, Fry in a red tracksuit with dog ears, Wallace in a loud polo, short shorts, tinted shades and dressed as a rooster.
Elsewhere amongst the Ordinals, Steve's fashion seems nearly identical besides the fact he was wearing dog ears, which made sense as Starlord had said he was from this '80s' time period anyway. Penny's must have been from this time as she looks very similar, having only traded her collared shirt and tie for an orange sweater and beaver ears and teeth. Tenpenny wears wolf ears, jeans, a turtleneck and a gold chain. Elizabeth Bennet's become a Lioness in a button-down dress with a belt around the waist, sunglasses and a brown jacket, and Bruce Wayne now in slacks and a large sweater seems to be deeply conscious of the bat ears and nose he's been given.
"Maybe she's still changing?" Meg suggested. Katara frowns.
"She's taking a long time then, she was in there way before I was."
She calls behind her.
"Is everything okay Zelda?"
"Coming," Comes her friend's curt reply.
A moment later she joins them, The princess's hair curled and teased like the rest of them, her loose blouse sea green and her long frilled skirt a warm brown, matching the high boots beneath them.
The three ladies squint.
"Uh, what animal are you supposed to be?" Miko asks. Examining the green antlers atop her head and the golden frills on her elbows.
"I believe I'm…"
Zelda's eyes, now hiding behind blue-tinted gold-rimmed glasses darted away from them. She grimaced slightly exposing two fangs.
It suddenly clicks for Katara.
"You're a dragon!" She cries. Zelda winced.
"A dragon?"
Fry came over curiously.
"She doesn't look like any dragon I've seen. What's with the antlers?"
"That's a feature of Asian dragons," Jack said dutifully, like Steve he had barely changed his outfit, though he now wore mouse ears.
"That's how dragons look like in my world," Katara says. Zelda looks to her for reassurance.
"In Hyrule as well this is what they resemble. Antlers and manes and long slender bodies. There are some that are permanent fixtures in our skies, all many thousands of years old…" She coughs awkwardly. "I believe I'm supposed to have become the Light Dragon, I, I mean I'm supposed to resemble it."
"Why did you get an animal from back home when I didn't?" Katara wonders aloud. Zelda looks uncomfortable.
"Well, I think it's cool!" Fry declares. "I think I brought it up during the heist but back when me and my gang got sucked into Bender's D&D world that one time, I got turned into a dragon and it was awesome! I just wished I had stayed like that longer."
"This sort of school," Zelda says suddenly changing the conversation. "Have you been Fry?"
"Who me? Nah, I grew up in the 80s but my Dad mostly kept me out of Public school, said he didn't want to waste taxpayers' money and that the education system was overrun by Communists. It's kind of nice to finally get a chance to go."
"It's kind of cool, it'll be like starting high school all over again," Meg says. "Maybe I could even be popular this time."
Not a second later she's thrown to the ground once more.
Shego's just shoved past her, now a black fox in heavy punk attire, massive frizzy hair, dark makeup, a plaid skirt, torn fishnets, and a studded leather jacket.
"What'd I tell you about being in my way nerd?" She laughs, strutting away in high-heeled boots.
Meg sighs.
"…or not."
"Look don't sweat that stuff." Miko insists. "I know it's like 'School, blah! Homework sucks! Bullies suck!' but this'll be fun. Alright? No more getting blown up or monsters trying to eat us, we just get to hang for once."
"Miko's right. We're all going to look after one another." Insists Katara. "You and Jack don't need to worry, we'll protect you."
"I can handle school," Pleads Jack.
"That's nice Jack."
"I can! I've been before. I'm excited to see what the course load is like for older grades. I can't wait to see their library, Zelda I can help you find some books over there if you'd like."
Zelda giggles. Jack gives her a confessed look.
"Those little mouse ears are adorable."
Jack looks disappointed.
"Are they?"
"Jack you're always adorable man!" Miko gushes.
"You're are special little guy," Katara says.
The Ordinal girls all laugh. Jack sighs.
…
"Oh how nice it is to see a proper lab!"
The contestants have been given a few hours to explore the school before class begins tomorrow. Olivia's just strode into the school's science lab, head craned back and arms spread appreciatively.
Her wild flyaway dark hair and octagonal glasses haven't changed. They already matched the period, however, Olivia's lab coat, scarf and pencil skirt has been traded in for acid-washed jeans, sandals, a neon-patterned button-down shirt and a vest. She also wears coyote ears and a tail.
"You know, I've been missing the opportunity to experiment. 'Trapta maybe you and I can cook something up after class."
"You think so?" Entrapta asks bonding in. Olivia's friend on the staff had previously voiced to aversion to different outfits and had tepidly agreed to one if she had been allowed to choose it. Entrapta's resulting interpretation of 80s fashion was characteristically odd, consisting of a lavender Greco-style minidress, gloves and thigh-high boots more befitting a supervillain than a teacher.
"Sure we'll have plenty of time, maybe crunch a little. Order pizza, stay up late, maybe make something fun by the end of the week."
"Just so long as we're not too late," Entrapta says. "I'll have lessons to plan." As an aside, she turns to her friend and asks. "Do you think I'll be a good science teacher?"
"Oh for sure 'Trapta. You're going to do wonderfully."
"I hope so."
Just then Jack, nose buried in a book turned into the classroom and bumped into Olivia.
"Oh hello Little Boy. Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry," Jack says pushing his glasses back into place. "I'm just looking for somewhere quiet to read."
Olivia looks down at him and tuts sympathetically.
"What's the matter?"
"My team," Jack says, hopping up onto the counter by the windowsill. "I want them to respect me as an equal like they would if I was their age."
"But you're so young," Entrapta says.
"I know, but I've done stuff," Jack says tiredly. "I could be doing so much more."
Dark laughter fills the room.
"It seems even the children on this show have swelled heads."
Alucard has just fazed through one of the walls of the room. His outfit unaltered in any way.
Jack gulps as the vampire strolls up to him.
"Seems you're eager to prove yourself, but do you honestly think a human as young and pathetic as you really has what it takes?"
"I-I think so," Jack says hesitantly.
"Ah, so this is the famous Alucard!" Olivia says, walking up to the vampire. "So nice to see you up close for once, normally the challenges make that difficult. Disappointed by the lack of costume though."
"I could change my look whenever I please, but I'm happy with it as is."
"I'll say, do you mind? There's not a lot of vampires in New York to study… unless you count the rumours about that Doctor Morbius."
She examines him appraisingly, circling around to see him from each different angle before settling in front of him, eyes swimming with excitement.
"Yes, you are something magnificent aren't you Alucard?" She breaths "…Especially if that name's not just for show. I haven't seen the last season, but I'd be willing to bet you are the single most powerful specimen to play this game aren't you?"
Alucard sneers. "Yet our so-called hosts think they can put a leash on me like I was their dog?"
"Conner says he could with his memory powers," Entrapta says brightly. "But apparently he's not allowed to use them."
Olivia smiles. "They must be desperate, Our captain over on the Supertasks's been complaining a lot recently about how unfair you've made things. Almost nice to hear Conner and McLean have taken notice, but… I don't think it'll make much of a difference. Will it?"
"That's one of the smartest observations I've seen all game," Alucard says, grin broadening. He casts his opaque cast out the window.
"If there's anything in the world that can match my power, you won't find it here amongst you people. You'd have to search much more thoroughly and much farther away."
Jack sighs again and looks out the window to the fake sky beyond.
"Maybe there's a friend I can talk to out there too, that'd be nice."
…
The Karliq screamed through the endless void between realities.
Though Perky's master Yerdey Yisme isn't particularly large, about a metre tall at best, his personal ship is anything but. Two kilometres long and just as tall, It little matched any preconceived notions of a starship, which in part because it isn't one. It was a transdimensional craft before all else, built like a cathedral designed by a mad surrealist then flipped over on its head.
Sitting in its brightly lit bridge, At his command chair Yerdey massages the squishy mollusk-esque flesh of his head with a tentacled forelimb. Above him swimming freely Perky has worked herself into a fit, flitting around in circles like a guppy just given their fish flakes.
"…and maybe, maybe I got to shake up my approach. He's got a big cast! And it's a big house. I bettcha Yerdey if I get in there and squirm my little self through a window, they won't even notice they've got a sexy new player. Or maybe…"
"Yerdey…"
One of Yerdey's men, his head priest Yalan approaches. Like everyone on the ship besides the mermaid, Yalan was one of Yerdey's own squid-like race, the Fiseng. Stationed with him aboard his war cathedral to give spiritual guidance to the penal legion of soldiers Yerdey so gloriously leads.
"What's the good word Yalan?"
"Could you get your pet to stop making its little human noises? It's been whining like that for quite some time."
Some of the bridge staff nod discreetly. Yerdey groans.
"First of all rude! Rude… Perk's only kind of looks human, but it's like really not cool to just openly call out her disability like that. She can't help it if she was born a degenerate from the waist up. Secondly, we've been over this how many times now? She's not a "pet" she's a henchwoman, and she has a right to complain! She's been done dirty."
"That's wonderful. Tell your 'henchwoman' if she keeps complaining like that she's going to mess up the choir's concentration and it'll be a problem."
Yerdey sighed again. The Karliq like all Fiseng craft propelled itself through the extradimensional void through carefully trained Fiseng Voidsingers that could manipulate the endlessly malleable fabric of unreality with their songs.
Needless to say, this was much easier than using something as primitive as a physical engine.
Fiseng ships almost never used engines unless they were travelling to more difficult to access universes, and even they didn't do so lightly.
Reality engines being such dangerously volatile things.
"Perk…" Yerdey says, speaking in a conciliary tone. "Can we put the breaks on this for a bit?"
"Not until I'm back on that Total Drama show!"
"While I may abstractly agree that everyone that shows slight to you, shows slight to me and the broader Fiseng race, and thusly by the divine will of all causality, Ulvi Mubarek, and thusly should be bullied without remorse.
…Speaking specifically Perk, don't you have better things to do than hanging out on set of some half-rate timeslot filler where the cast doesn't even like you?"
"NO!"
She was in his face now, eyes blazing.
"It's not about the show anymore!" She shouts. "It's about who's on it! Not that I know he's there everything different!"
Yerdey blinks under his veil.
"Okay. Not sure what's getting you all weird, but I'm not helping with this."
"Whhhhy!?" She wines.
"Forget it Perk, you're too excited about this."
Yerdey ignored her and hopped out of his seat, intent on being anywhere else, Perky, reluctantly tailed him, swarming around his head like an irate insect.
"Master, Please! Please! Pleeeeeeease! Help!"
"Let it go Perky."
He made a turn into the Hall of Aenirs, where the ship held various shrines, all cluttered on small pedestals. Each devoted to one of the lesser deities of the multiverse that served beneath the Fiseng God-King, Ulvi Mubarek.
"But I need to be there. I want to, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I WANNA, I WANNA IWANNA IWANNAIWANNAWANA-"
"PERKY!"
The mermaid flinches and goes quiet, Yerdey jabs a disciplinary finger at her.
"Zip it before I get Gilqameş to peg you to the console and leave you there until you've cooled down. I already said to forget it, and you know what else I say Perky?"
His henchwoman slumps disappointedly.
"You're always right about everything Yerdey."
"Correct!" Yerdey emphasized the point by rolling his Rs, an impressive feat when one considered his lack of teeth.
"Now don't let me hear about this again-"
"But Yerdey-"
"Shush! We're done with this. You're going to behave now like a good little henchwoman, also stop touching that! It's got a minor chaos god trapped inside."
Perky pulls away from the little stone statue of a one-eyed pyramid she'd been prodding with her finger. Then moans and sinks to the floor moping.
A larger-than-normal Fiseng arrives at the door, clad in battle armour.
"I heard my name, followed by a promise of violence, who do I get to hurt?"
"It was an empty threat Gilqameş." Yerdey snaps.
"But I have unsatiated bloodlust."
"I'll deal with it. Perky! Stay here and don't mess with anything until you're ready to be chill okay? If you're good I'll give you a Perky snack."
"Sure Boss…"
They exit, leaving Perky alone, wallowing in a pity of frustration amongst the statues.
"Well… It appears you have got Tarnaq very upset." Laughs a little voice.
Perky sits up.
"What?"
"That is right. I forgot your friend goes by Yerdey Yisme in this part of creation."
There, above her, in some amongst the dancing colours of the ship's warm lighting, amongst the distortion of the water. There's a flash of green, then a tiny figure grinning down at her from something near the shrine room's tall ceiling.
"Oh, it's you." Perky breathes, relived. "How did you get in here?" She squints. "Is that a new portal gun?"
Her friend swirls a portable gadget in her hand.
"Do you like it? I found it in the ashes of a hidden room in a magic castle. It is quite useful no? I think I am going to get a lot of use from it"
She giggles then places her hands under her chin.
"But I am not the interesting one for once. What was it you said to Yerdey?"
"I have another one!" Perky said excitedly. "It's one we've been looking for forever I found him! He brought him to me!"
She gestures to one of the shrines. Where a bust of a familiar man stands. Under it, in shifting gold tiles of Fiseng script reads.
"Conner O'Gleeson, Aenir of Late Night Television."
Perky's friend squints.
"Strange. I thought he had a different name too." She shrugs. "No matter. Where is our prize?"
"The Rodney House!"
"In the Unusual Nickelodeon universe?"
"Yeah! But Jerkface Conner O'Jerkson's not letting me in! … The jerk. And now Yerdey's doesn't want to help either!"
"Such a tragedy. I guess without your precious master you will not be helping us."
"No! Please!"
Perky clasps her hands and begs. "I don't care! I don't care if I get in trouble! I don't care what Yerdey says! We can't let this one slip away! You have to help me if you can! For our universe!"
"If I can?"
Her friend laughs.
"Perky mon cher, You should know by now I can do anything I want to."
She twirls her stolen portal gun.
"What is your plan?"
…
The next day dawns and school begins in earnest. The contestants streaming into school earlier than some of them would like to be awake. Their principal waiting for them happily by the front door.
"Good morning everyone! Welcome to school! Good morning to you Zelda."
"Thank you."
"And to you Alucard!"
"Happy to be here," Grins the vampire, hulking frame so light on his feet he's nearly gliding.
"Mornin' Principal!"
Max has just strolled up, looking chipper. The record maintaining the rhythm of Peach's bubbly demeanour seems to skip a beat.
"Max… That is quite the unique costume."
"Thank you!" The rabbit says proudly. His animal costume seems to consist of khaki slacks, a blue polo and a human mannequin head of what looks to be a stereotypical 1950s father figure with a wooden pipe and slicked-back hair. The head suspended between his two ears with a copious amount of scotch tape.
"Max little buddy, you're looking real suave today and all but I thought you had a different costume," Sam observes, wandering over. Sam himself is wearing a pair of rabbit ears and buck teeth.
Max shrugs.
"Yeah, I wasn't jiving with that last outfit they gave me so I made my own. Like it? I've always wanted to be human."
"I couldn't imagine anything that'd suit you more."
As promised the halls swarm with other students. The lifeless automatons chittering away in eighties slang as if they had lived full lives and hadn't just materialized yesterday.
"He asked me to prom, as if!"
"Gag me with a spoon!"
"Yo! You coming to tryouts?"
"Catch you at the Arcade after school!"
"Mom said the ladies at church think D&D is Satanic."
"That is serious bullshit!"
"I'm tellin' you guys, New Coke tastes better,"
"No way."
"Way!"
Several of the machines gawk at Jack as he makes his way to homeroom to get his schedule. He ignores them, already deciding he's not going to worry much about the literal popularity contest. Leave that to someone who got along easily with people, like Wallace, or Katara.
A squawking laugh alerts him to the presence of Vultureman, already chatting ideally with several robotic peers. Maybe he'd be the popular one, surprisingly.
As for Jack, he'd be trying to stay top of class this week. Sure it was High School and he was still in Grade 6 but he was ahead in his studies back home, and he certainly done a lot harder things than move up a couple grades.
He had a good feeling about this.
And more importantly, a point to prove to Katara.
Peach's confidant Toadsworth, hosts the first class of the day.
"Now some of you make things Maths aren't important." He chortles hoping down from the teacher's chair, where several cushions have been added so that he sits at the appropriate height for his desk.
"Pish Posh to that I say! Learning your sums is essential for any young mind. Why, when I tutored the Princess in her youth, I certainly made sure she knew her arithmetic. Now! Let's get some equations on the board, see where you all are at currently. Everyone ready?"
"Ready sir!" Jack says keenly.
The old toad hops up a set of stairs to the chalkboard and writes out an equation.
"You there! Jack! In the front! Since you were so edger can you tell me, If x squared equals three x plus four, what does x equal?"
Jack blinks.
"Um…"
"X equals either negative one or four," Zelda says.
"Yes, Brillant. My apologies Jack, your teammate was faster, try this one. There is a triangle. Side A is 2 miles long. Side B is 6 miles long. How long is side C?"
Jack opens and closes his mouth like a fish out of water.
"Two square root of ten miles!" Zelda says, just as edger now as Jack had been.
"Splendid!" Cries the toad. "You are all most marvellously educated, or at least the princess is."
He writes on the board.
((5+2) • 20) ÷ 21 – 4^3 + 11 =
"Now then, Princess Zelda, I suppose you have the answer for us once more, do you?"
"Of course!" She says excitedly. "It's…" She thinks a moment. "Negative one hundred and thirty-seven thirds?"
"Actually, it's Negative one hundred and thirty-nine thirds." Olivia laughs from the back of the room. "Of course, that's child's play. You want to make Math interesting, you have to at least be doing advanced cal."
"That is correct," Toadsworth says. "Zelda, my dear, you were unfortunately wrong."
Zelda looks crestfallen.
"I'm so sorry." She whispers.
Toadsworth chuckles.
"Nothing to apologize for my dear, stiff upper lip and all that. I'm sure one of your other teammates will pick up the slack. Jack. You haven't the chance to answer yet, perhaps I'll let you solve this next algebra equation…"
By the end of class, Jack hasn't gotten a single question right, though to be fair neither has most of his fellow contestants (The robots apparently don't respond unless they have to) Olivia easily sweeping up correct answers the rest of the hour, Zelda becoming more and more fretful every time she got a question wrong.
No matter, Jack thinks to himself. It's okay if he didn't prove himself in math. History class though? Now he was going to wow Katara and Zelda. They were from fantastical kingdoms after all, they hadn't even heard of the Founding Fathers, let alone met them as he and Annie had.
…
Shadow the Hedgehog bursts into their dusty history class wearing a three-piece suit.
"History!" He shouts. "It's awful but it's important! So shut up and listen!"
"What do you Yanks typically learn about in history class?" Penny asks.
"Good question!" Shadow says. "I don't know! I'm not American! CHAOS CONTROL!"
Heavy textbooks materialize mid-air, slamming into their desk. Jack reads the cover of his, confused.
"A History of Mobius by the Overlander Kenneth Pendergast?"
"Earth history would give some of you an unfair advantage," Shadow says. "And nothing interesting happened on NickEarth before I showed up, so you're gonna study my home world instead. Nice, rich, overly detailed history there none of you people none about."
He opens the book on his desk and begins to read.
"In the beginning… Mobius's races roamed the forests in savagery. The first race to discover civilization were the Echidnas' and hold onto your butts because they're a lot of these guys and they're damn near all of them stupid pretentious…"
Jack sighs, deeply disappointed. Still, he supposed this was better than the last few challenges. At least it wasn't physically demanding.
…
Couch Bridgette blows into her whistle, clipboard in hand. She's dressed in gym wear. Behind her stands her TA, Starlord, dressed similarly.
"Gym class!" She says.
"Physically Education!" Peter cries.
"Now as a former contestant, you guys have my sincere sympathies. I'll try and make things super easy for you guys this week."
The contestants breathe a sigh of relief. Bridgette smiles.
"But I figure if you've handled a week of Chris, you can handle some dodgeball."
…
By lunch hour, it's clear to most of the cast that the challenge isn't quite going to be the week-long break they'd hoped.
"UGGH! I take back everything I said yesterday. I forgot how much school suuuuucked!" Whines Miko, sitting together with Meg, Zelda, Katara and Fry.
"I don't mind it so far, it's kind of neat," Katara says brightly.
"This is already much better than my old high school!" Says a very happy Meg. "I've got all you guys to hang out with and everyone's way nicer than they are back in Quahog!"
Two weasels slip by the table snickering.
"Hey Barfarella! Someone barf toxic crud in your gene pool lately?"
They scamper off laughing. Meg waves at them happily.
"See? Back home they would have said I looked like if Hitler and diarrhea had a baby."
"You worry me sometimes Meg," Katara admits.
"Still, it's good we're all making friends," Fry says. "Look how popular Vultureman already is!"
He points to the popular table, where their most obnoxious team mated is seated amongst throngs of Jocks and Cheerleaders like he's Jesus Christ in the Last Supper.
"…And then Vultureman said! 'Thundercats!? HA! You are more resembling Dundercats! You know what Vultureman's saying!?"
"AHAHA!"
"Oh Em Gosh! Like Vultureman you're so hilarious!"
"You gotta try out for the team V-Man!"
"Your proposal is agreeable Shoebill Braeden!" Squawks Vultureman
The Ordinals watch as his table erupts into another fit of laughter, as they do Jack enters the cafeteria, his tray in hand, looking rather lost.
"Jack!"
Katara waves to the boy, he briefly makes eye contact then shuffles off in the opposite direction. She frowns.
"What's going on with him?"
Jack surveys the bustling cafeteria, heart set on sitting alone to eat and getting lost for a while in the book he borrowed from the cafeteria. Unfortunately, private seating seems hard to come by, but he seems to find out. Only once he's already sat though he releases his mistake.
"Hello!"
He looks up to see the British girl from the Supertasks smiling at him. Not Elizabeth, the one his age. Penny he thinks her name was.
"Sorry," He says apologetically. "Was this seat taken? I can move."
"Don't worry about it, you're fine to sit with me."
"Thanks," Jack says quietly. Intent on staying quiet for the rest of the lunch hour. Penny it seems has other ideas.
"How come you're not sitting with the rest of your lot?" She asks conversationally.
"I um… I just want a little break from them." He admits. She sighs.
"I can relate to that. Things have been tense with my team lately, and to be honest I'm sort of at the centre of it."
"Really? What's going on with the Supertasks?"
She shoots him an annoyed glance. "Well, I can't tell you, can I? You're the competition!"
"Of course," He says sheepishly. "I'm sorry."
She shoves him playfully.
"There you go apologizing again! It's no big deal really. Honestly, are you from Canada or something,"
"I'm from Frog Creek, Pennsylvania."
"Brillant!" Penny cries. "Don't know anything about that place, you can tell me loads about it. What book are you reading by the way?"
Back with the rest of the Ordinals, Fry's got his head turned, spying on Jack and Penny.
"…Now he's talking to that girl from the other team. What's going on with him?"
"Ah, dang. You think it's puberty?" Miko asks.
"It can't be, Jack's too young," Katara insists.
"Perhaps he just feels forever reason like he's a failure," Mopes Zelda. Katara gives her friend a look of concern.
"Everything alright?" Fry asks.
Zelda's lips tremble.
"I am beyond words in my sorrow for what happened earlier. I let everyone down terribly, and have failed my scared duties as a friend,"
The other four stare at her blankly.
"What? By getting a couple math questions wrong?" Miko asks.
"Yes," Whimpers Zelda.
"Zelda it's fine. No one's upset with you," Katara says.
The Princess seems deeply surprised.
"But… I let down the team?"
"No biggie," Miko scoffs.
"I've made way worse mistakes," Meg says.
"We're still doing great," Fry says, "Besides, it's just a game. It doesn't matter,"
Zelda gives him a look of deep surprise.
Katara smiles, almost nostalgically. "That's something I'm still getting used to, back home, that's one downside to being close to the Avatar. The world always looks to you for balance. Every day we have to make choices that affect real people's lives. But here? Here I can mess up and it's okay. The world keeps turning,
I just get to be a normal teenage girl for once," She gives Zelda a look. "We all do for a while,"
"That's right nothing matters!" Miko says, "Cut loose, enjoy yourself a little. Seriously Princess, you always look like you're waiting for something terrible to happen."
Zelda looks up, deep trains of thought flowing through her.
Her gaze flows downwards, back to her friends, a fanged smile creases her lips.
"I hadn't considered it, but I suppose you're right."
She sits up and grabs some of her lunch with her hands.
"What are you doing?" Meg says confused. Zelda giggles.
"Since I'm allowed to for once, perhaps… I'd like to make some more mistakes. You there!"
She turns and suddenly calls to one of Vultureman's popular friends
"Like, ew! What do you want?" Answers a Potoo cheerleader.
"THIS!"
Zelda hurls her food at the cheerleader, striking her in the face. The cheerleader lets out a squawk of agony, the rest of the room gasps in horror.
"Nobody does that to the cool kids!" Shouts a California condor
"Food fight!" Cries someone.
All hell breaks loose in the cafeteria, as a second later half the student body is flinging their meals at one another, while the other half cowers and plots revenge. Most of the contestants joining in with little hesitation.
"About time, this kid's remembered what lunch hours supposed to be for!" Max exclaims to the Supertasks sitting with him. "You joining in or what?"
Steve seems caught off guard.
"I would but, like I don't think Elizabeth would be down,"
"Let the lady speak for herself," Sam says.
Steve turns and to his immense surprise finds Elizabeth on her feet and laughing, edible projectile in hand.
"I say, Mr Harrington, surely you're not intending on letting our foes' transgressions go unanswered?" She calls.
Steve gawks at her a moment before laughing.
"Let loose the dogs of war and all that!" Penny cries. "You're missing out Jack!"
"Oh, man!"
"What's wrong!?"
"I don't want to ruin a library book on my first day here," Bemoans Jack, shielding his book with his body. Penny snaps her fingers.
"Never fear! Magic crayon to the rescue!" She cries.
Quickly she sketches them a Roman-style Scutum shield to hide behind.
"Come on then! On your feet solider! Exit's that way!"
The other Ordinals meanwhile have flipped their table and have entrenched themselves against, The Supertasks.
A watermelon shatters against the Supertasks table.
"Surely that can not be all your group is capable of?" Elizabeth challenges.
Zelda laughs gleefully.
"That was but a taste of our might! Now Katara!"
A flick of her friend's wrist collects everything and anything viscous enough to be considered liquid off the tiled floor, conducting it into a large ball. Then with another quick motion from Katara, she sends it rocketing towards the Supertasks.
Max leaps up into the table.
"Human powers! ACTIVATE!"
Max with a great cry of intended heroism leaps into the air, and kicks the ball of soup and sauce away from his team, sending it careening sideways where it splatters onto the back of the variety jacket of an imposing rhino.
The jock swivels around, beady rage-filled eyes settling on the two figures right in front of him, which just so happens to be Jack and Penny.
"Ah, bother, talk about bad timing," Penny says ruefully.
The rhino's jaw clenches.
"You're dead runts!"
Penny beams at him.
"Right, well. Think about that is RUN JACK!"
The two of them bolt out of the room, The Rhino lets out of roar of fury and charges after them. All the while Max cups his hands to his mouth (Real one, not the mannequin's) and shouts.
"My bad!"
Jack's sides are burning, as his legs spirit faster than they have since the time they carried him away from an erupting Mount Vesuvius. The rhino fast on his heels.
"Normally I keep school and danger separate!" He pants.
"Lucky you," Penny says. "I've made a proper mess of things during my lessons once or twice."
"Here!" Jack says, spying the door to the science class and veering into it, then ducking into the teacher's office and baring the door. No sooner as he has he can hear the jock on the other side ram into it.
"When I get in there I'm using you nerds at toothpicks!"
"What's your plan now?" Penny asks.
Beads of sweat run down Jack's forehead. His eyes find another door, one placed awkwardly behind a filing cabinet.
"Here! Help me!"
They both struggle to push it out of the way. Behind them, he can hear the door to the office begin to buckle.
"Oh man…" He mutters. "The teacher's going so upset with us for destroying her office,"
"Don't worry, Entrapta's our science teacher, I know her, she'll think nothing of this," Penny assures him.
"I hope you're right."
They shove the cabinet aside, Jack grabs the dusty door handle, it doesn't budge.
"Great! Locked!"
"Is that all?"
Penny quickly sketches out a key and inserts it in the door, it clicks open.
"Go!"
They practically tumble forward into the next room, panting. As their heart rates slow, they sit there silently, listening. Everything seems to be quiet.
"Is he gone then?" Penny whispers.
Suddenly the door's thrown open and the rhino roars.
Jack and Penny yelp in horror as it lunges forward. Then stops.
A curious blank expression overtakes their schoolmate as it robotically stiffens, eyes flashing in error signs.
"Character out of bounds. Return to designated room. Character out of bounds. Return to designated room."
It shuffles around and leaves without acknowledging them. Jack and Penny turn to one another, mystified.
"What was that about?" Penny asks. Jack gives her a helpless look.
"I don't know?"
Jack looks around, getting a proper look at their surroundings for the first time. They've entered into a long room, covered wall to wall in hamster cages. The rodents squeak at them as they scurry about, travelling around the room in a highway of colourful plastic tubing that connects their enclosures.
"Weird," Jack says quietly.
"Look over here! It keeps going!"
"Penny?"
Penny's rushed over to the other side of the long room, where another door is waiting.
"Penny, wait, we don't-"
She opens the other door, they both gasp in surprise.
A narrow steel walkway leads down another hall, enclosed on either side by torrents of falling dragon fruits.
"Do you reckon this is still part of the school?" Penny asks.
"I guess?" Jack says, deeply confused now. "Maybe it's another mistake by the house?"
"You mean like the manatees and the Tom Hanks and all that in episode three?"
"Maybe they didn't think to… what's the word they use, program something behind this door and the house is filling it in itself?"
"Wicked," Breaths Penny. "If that's the case, let's see how deep it goes."
"Wait, Penny!"
He chases her as she runs off laughing, first through a snowy Roman ruin, then a museum dedicated to ferret breading on Neptune's moon, Triton, an abandoned railroad tunnel filled with flowers, a large concrete space with graffiti depicting spiders, an airport terminal populated by statues of triceratops, and a forest made of playing cards, each time, Penny finds another door, to lead them further onwards.
She finally stops in the midst of an abandoned tech store, grown wild with plant life and with Neolithic paintings scrawled on the walls.
"It just keeps going." She declares. "It's like there's no end to it."
She turns to Jack.
"What if we found a secret exit? From the school I mean, into the rest of the house, and all the bits they don't normally have us see, can you imagine? That'd be brilliant honestly!"
"No it wouldn't," Jack insists. "Come on, we can't be in here."
"What do you mean?"
"We were supposed to go here, we've got to stick to the challenge. Besides that rhino's probably gone by now and the lunch hour will be ending."
"Then will have to come back later, after class."
"What? No."
He takes her hand and begins to lead her back to the relative normalcy of their school. Penny looks astonished.
"What do you mean no?"
"I don't like breaking the rules, we'll get in trouble if we come back here,"
He marches the two of them back out, through the science lab. Penny gives the door a sorely tempted look.
"Surely you can't not be interested in exploring more of the House?" She demands. "Think of the potential! The adventure!"
"The only adventures I go on are the ones my mentor Morgan Le Fay needs me for," Jack says dutifully. Penny cocks an eyebrow.
"The mean old hag from the King Arthur stories? With all the wild magic?"
"She's not mean! She's a nice lady!" Jack insists. He takes a moment to control himself. Morgan wouldn't want him to lose his cool on her part. He was a professional explorer, darn it.
"Thank you for saving us from that bully,"
Penny smiles.
"Happy to lend a hand, or crayon that is. You're alright for an Ordinal Jack, anytime you change your mind about exploring…"
"Thanks, but no thanks," Jack says. "I need to focus on my studies."
He gives the science room a final look. Already trying to forget about the door.
…
That night, the entire house sleeps, tired from their eventful first day of a week long challenge. The contestants and staff are in their beds, the halls of the school empty, everything's quiet.
Almost quiet.
In the room behind Entrapta's office, there's an odd green light.
In Alucard's chambers too, there is the glow, and a silent figure standing over his coffin.
…
The following morning finds Jack by his locker, yawning deeply. He'd stayed up well passed his regular bedtime studying math and Mobian history without much success. The only thing keeping him from dozing off where he stands is the every present 80s soundtrack that seems to blare throughout the hallways at all hours of the day. He was fairly certain that wasn't going to be a thing that happened when he evidentially made it to real high school, but then again, he was also relatively certain his classmates weren't going to be animals.
A gaggle of them pass him by forcefully, cheerleaders, all glaring at him unpleasantly.
One shoves him into him against his locket, the group howling with laughter as he whimpers.
"Man… I was hoping today would be better than yesterday,"
He makes to get to class before nearly tripping on something. Jack looks down, puzzled.
There's a little round ball of orange fur at his feet. Likely a pom-pom. One of the cheerleaders maybe.
He looks back at the girls retreating forms.
"Hey! You dropped-"
He stops halfway through calling to them. They're probably too far away to hear him in the busy hall, and besides, he decides he doesn't owe them anything.
Jack walks off, headed to class. He's nearly made it to English when he feels something brush against his leg.
He looks down.
It's the pom-pom, again.
He stares at it a moment.
Turns.
Walks several more steps.
Turns back around.
There again, is the pom-pom, sitting behind him.
"Huh…"
He picks it up, it moves in his hands.
He yelps.
"Hey, Jack!"
Jack yelps again and stows the thing in his backpack. Katara, Miko, Zelda and Fry have just walked over, each looking at him in surprise.
"You feeling alright kid?" Miko asks.
"Fine," Jack says.
"Are you sure? You seem off lately," Fry says.
Jack hesitates, the strange ball of fur squirms inside his backpack, he considers showing them.
"Jack," Katara says gently. "I know that after yesterday, being in big kid school must be pretty intimidating for a little guy like you. But there's no shame in feeling overwhelmed. We're your friends, we're here if you need a helping hand."
She makes to place a hand on his shoulder, he pushes it away, and straps close his backpack.
"I can handle myself, thank you," Jack says stiffly. "I got to get to class,"
"Oh,"
Katara seems taken aback a moment, she quickly recovers her smile.
"Well, we won't stop you. Class is important."
"Just don't worry too much about it," Zelda giggles.
"…Also if you see Alucard, tell him the VPs have been looking for him. Apparently, he didn't show up today."
…
In English class, The teacher, one Professor Letsplay Lenny paces in front of the board, a comically serious air of severity linger in his posture.
"Now…" He begins solemnly. "Why do we study literature in school? Honestly, I've been asking that question myself all day. See I wanted to teach a class about video games but the Principal turned me down, said it be slightly awkward, which I suppose it would be,"
He winks to Zelda would stares back confused.
"But there's plenty to enjoy about literature as well my pupils, I can see Jack in particular is edger to get started."
The strange object is bouncing inside Jack's desk, he covers it up hastily
"May I be excused?"
…
After a few minutes of deliberating in the halls, he makes up his mind.
He finds Penny Crayon in Math class and waves at her through the door. She beaming knowingly by the time he's pulled over to a quiet section of the library so they can talk in private.
"Changed your mind did you?" She asks smugly. "Decided you want to go back?"
"No," Jack says urgently. "Now something else weird is happening! Look!"
He pulls the orange ball out of his backpack and shows her. She squints at it.
"What is it?"
She prods it with her finger.
The ball of fur vibrates, then suddenly two smaller balls of fur on springs emerge from it, then two hairless legs with taloned feet like a falcon, finally two, large, innocent eyes open, and a fang-toothed mouth to go along with them.
"Hi Jack!"
Both kids yelp in fright and drop the thing. It lands on its feet, still beaming up at them.
"Jack!"
"How do you do my name?" Jack asks. The little creature giggles merrily.
"Ah Jack! You old kidder you! Always asking the serious questions!"
Penny looks to Jack, who shrugs helplessly.
The creature yawns and scratches itself with a claw.
"Gosh, thanks for waking me up Jack."
"What in the world are you?" Penny asks.
"A smuzzy-fuzzy!" The creature says brightly. Penny's even more confused.
"A muzzy-wuzzy?"
"Smuzzy-fuzzy," Corrects the creature, extending her a claw. "Name's Flash!"
Jack pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and inspects the creature. "I've never heard of a smuzzy-fuzzy? Why were you following me? How do you get here?"
…
"Here's where I got in!" Flash says brightly.
He's led them straight to the door of the science class. Jack feels like a weight's been dropped in his stomach.
"You're sure you came out of that door? You're not a science experiment from Professor Entrapta or something?"
"Or you're another robot then that it?" Penny asks.
Flash shakes his head happily, sending his springy little antennae bobbing about.
"I am 100% made of real stuff!"
"Hmm, he might be honest about that?" Penny says to Jack, "If Rodney's robots can't get out of bounds and he came from the other part of the house-"
"But Rodney said his house can't make intelligent life on its own," Jack counters.
"Well, where'd this guy come from then? I didn't draw him."
"I don't know, but he's going back where he came from."
"You're joking!" Cries Penny, looking cross. "Honestly that's two mysteries now you don't want anything to do with. Where's your sense of adventure?"
"Back home," Jack says. "And that's where Flash needs to go too, tonight. You and me will take him back into his part of the house after school, and he'll be gone,"
"I don't want to be gone," Flash says, scuttling up to Jack's shoulder, "I want to be around here, and to see what those guys are excited about."
"What?"
Classmates, robotic and contestant alike are pouring out from classrooms into a gathering crowd.
Flash bounces up and down.
"Let's go check it out!"
"Stay in my backpack," Jack hisses. "No one else can know we were in a teacher's office without permission."
They join the crowd, neither able to see over the teens.
"What are they looking at?" Flash whispers from Jack's backpack.
"Hang on I'll draw us a periscope," Penny says.
Before she gets a catch she's swept aside, the crowd's parted to make way for Conner.
"Alright! Everyone! I know the least interesting part of school is the actual learning but what's everyone out of class fo-"
He pauses, seeing what the centre of attention is.
A girl's standing in the midst of the hall looking bored. She's adorned entirely in white, her suit, long coat and hat all the colour of freshly fallen snow. Two machine guns are clutched in each gloved hand. Raven black hair straight as knives cascades down to her waist and red piercing eyes survey the crowd, before settling on Conner.
"Don't tell me this crowd's for me?" The girl asks in Alucard's low voice.
…
"…Like seriously dude? I knew you people were going to majorly blow that stupid challenge, but I was hoping for a little more spa time before you had to come running for help."
Chris, Conner, Entrapta and Rodney have gathered in Rodney's study, Conner having brought along the now teenage and female Alucard. Chris glares at her in exasperation. In the corners of his jaw, there's still some telltale signs of the face mask he had been forced to hastily scrub off.
"I mean, how's something like this even happen!? Why he a she now!?"
"The trappings of mortal forms mean nothing to me Nazi!" Sneers the vampire.
"Nazi!?"
"My apologies, I forget you dogs of the SS like to be addressed by title," Alucard says sardonically.
"I'm not following," Chris says.
"Al, where do you think you are exactly?" Conner asks. Alucard chuckles.
"Is that a trick question? Last I was told by my Master I was on my way to Occupied Warsaw, to deal with the Major and his abominations before the Red Army reached the city," Her eyes flicker to Rodney. "I suppose that one of the experiments there is it? Pathetic, the fowls things your repugnant fascist minds come with it,"
She rests her chin on her hands and smiles with a mocking sweetness.
"Kindly take me to your Major and I'll make your deaths relatively painless,"
She winces. Rodney's plucked a long hair from her scalp and places it under a machine for analysis.
"Alucard, what year is it?" Conner asks more seriously.
"1944,"
"…And your master is?"
"Sir Arthur Hellsing," Alucard says smoothly, "With guidance from Allied High Command and in service to His Majesty, the King."
Chris turns to Conner.
"Didn't you say his master was Integra Hellsing?"
"I did,"
"Alucard's telling the truth," Entrapta says, inspecting the results from Rodney's machine. "Her cells are aging in reverse and they're quick about it! Already they're fifty years behind what they should be and getting younger by the second,"
"How's that work, I thought he was supposed to be getting stronger?" Conner asks.
"Maybe someone tried to weaken his powers and it went wrong?" Suggests Entrapta.
Chris glares at Conner.
"Don't pin this on me, I didn't do it!" Conner shouts.
"You're in trouble O'Gleeson! Just wait until the Network here's about this!"
"I didn't use my powers!" Conner insists. "I made a promise to Peach, not to."
"Could you have used them subconsciously perhaps?" Rodney suggests.
Conner seems confused.
"Could I?"
"You tell us!" Chris insists. Conner merely shrugs.
"I mean, maybe? It's never happened before."
"Congratulations, on finding new and inventive ways to screw everything up O'Gleeson," Chris snarks.
"Listen, bucko-"
"When you're finished…" Alucard interrupts. "This little performance was amusing at first, but I'm growing tired of this Nazi nonsense."
She cocks both her guns.
"Perhaps it'll be easier to get answers if I redecorate the walls with your Aryan blood!"
Conner sighs.
"Sorry Princess, Alucard for god's sake just shut up and be civil!"
A strange look overtakes Alucard, she drops her guns and nods. Conner turns to Chris.
"See that was my powers."
"Cool, now you're in massive trouble," Chris says folding his arms.
"Let the network complain, I'm just doing damage control for your mistakes."
"None of this is my fault!"
"So I guess bringing the vampire here in the first place, and putting him inside a giant monster filled with blood and guts has nothing to do with our current fiasco that right?" Conner demands. "Because it really seems like that's the root of the problem here."
"I'm never the problem! Every single idea I have is perfect!" Chris insists stubbornly. "You people love to forget it, but I'm the core of the show, I know what people want to see O'Glesson! Forty-nine seasons and nearly as many years I ruled television with this thing, then you take over for the fiftieth and the show nearly gets cancelled!
I'm the Total Drama expert here!"
"But you sure as hell aren't an expert on the multiverse, are you?"
Chris opens his mouth, then closes it several times, before finally giving up and glaring at Conner.
Conner rolls his eyes and turns towards the door.
"When baby McLean's done his tantrum, I'd like to get moving here."
"Where are you going?" Rodney asks.
"Alucard's not going to be tame for long. If he's really going backwards than he's going to forget, that I made him forget his violent tendencies. I think it's best to find this Integra before that happens,"
"But, apologies Conner. Didn't Alucard say she's doesn't consider that Integra woman her master anymore?"
"Maybe not but she'll know more about dealing with them than we do. Now Chris, you coming or what?"
"You think I'm coming with you!?" Chris asks disgusted.
Conner grins pleasantly.
"Sorry. Did it sound like I was asking? my mistake. What I meant to say was, get your ass on my ship and help me fix your shit before I make you forget you're capable of saying no to me!"
"No!"
"Alright, fine. You can stay here, sitting here doing nothing like I know you will if I leave you alone, then you take all the blame if someone gets hurt while you're off in your personal Disneyland, with your thumbs, up, your ass."
Chris scowls at him.
"I'll grab my coat."
"I'll keep watch on the cameras while you're away," Rodney offers. Conner smiles.
"Much appreciated Rod."
"What about the cast?" Chris asks.
…
The school bells and a deluge of students go flowing out from the school into the town, destined for the mall or the arcade or the many picturesque suburban homes that had been assigned to the cast for the duration of the challenge, their white picket fences and colourful exteriors like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting of idealism Americana.
Conner pushes past them into bound for the school office, rapping softly on the door with his knuckles.
"Come in!" Sings a voice from the other side.
He opens the door to find Peach, buzzing around her office merrily, tying things up for the end of the day. Her eyes brighten at the sight of him.
"Oh hello Conner!"
"Hey, Princess,"
"It's Principal now," She says with a wink. Conner chuckles.
"Right, how you enjoying that?"
"Oh, it's been a joy," She says earnestly. "I'm so used of ruling the Mushroom Kingdon on my own, and don't get me wrong, I love my dear little toads more than words can say, but is it great fun to run somewhere different for once with the help of all my friends, even if it's just for pretend. This 80s theming is very fun. I'm really enjoying the music."
"Good, good… Glad you're having fun."
He shifts his weight.
"How you been lately Peachy?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well… You know, how's life? How you holding up? We haven't really had a chance to talk much one on one this season."
Peach giggles.
"We never spoke alone during Endless either, You were the host. You had to look after all of us contestants,"
"Yeah…"
He prods a paperweight with his index finger.
"I do feel bad about the whole, destroying your memory for while thing back at the start of last season,"
Peach laughs.
"Conner! Where is this coming from?"
"I just, you know…I uh, I put you guys through a lot last season, not just you but everyone, and I know that's parse and parcel for Total Drama. But I am a little sorry about it sometimes."
"Conner, you gave me my happily ever after," Peach says sincerely. "There's nothing to apologize for,"
"You are good though aren't you?" He probs. "There was never any lasting effects of what I did to you was there? I mean you are good now aren't you Princess? Nothing's different when you look in the mirror?"
Peach smiles sweetly.
"Perfectly Peachy."
"That's excellent because I…"
He trails off, the ambient eighties music playing faintly over the intercom has caught his ear. Two R&B singers singing verses over a lilting sympathizer backtrack. Peach seems to be enjoying it greatly, happy smile on her lips as she sways in her chair melodically.
"This is one of my favourites."
He shoots her a look of disappointment.
"Really Peach? Milli Vanilli?"
"They're very talented," Peach says.
Conner sighs.
"Listen, Peach, I've got an important favour to ask. Me and Chris have to head out a while. We might be gone a week, I don't know."
"Oh my, whatever for? Is this about poor Jeremy?"
"About Alucard actually. Peach while we're gone I need you to look after things alright?"
"Yes of course Conner."
He gives her a serious look.
"You're sure you're alright with it? This is a big responsibility here. This challenge is mostly hands off, but you're basically going to be the host for a while."
Peach blinks.
"Me as host?" She asks, before giggling, "Well, that would be a change wouldn't it? But If I can manage the Mushroom Kingdom I can manage Total Drama."
"I know it's nothing you can't handle," Conner assures her. "Just keep the challenge running while we're gone and keep an eye on Al, will you? I can't bring him with me, some studio bullshit about a grey area with this, whether it counts as a medical evac. The studio sucks basically, and I have to leave Al with you guys, even though he's a little out of it let's say.
Hopefully things should be fine but it does get out of hand, I trust your judgment. Make whatever call you got to make and don't worry about the consequences, I'll vouch for you."
Peach gives him her best reassuring smile.
"No need to worry Conner. I'm sure everyone will be on their best behaviour while you're gone."
…
It takes several hours for Chris to be ready to travel, when he finally emerges from the Rodney House, he's ladened with several bags of luggage.
"Would you believe no one asked to carry this for me?"
"How rude of them," Conner says.
"Right? Now carry this!"
"I'm good thanks,"
Chris grumbles as they walk up to Conner's Wax Lip ship, hovering just outside the house.
"Why did you put a pair of lips on your starship anyway?"
"In my defence I got it second hand," Conner says dismissively. "Also, I just got floors waxed, so wipe your shoes, and I've got a shipment of candy from DoofWonka in one of the spare rooms. That's not for you, It's a gift for the Princesses and the Aftermath crew from the CEOS. If I notice any of it goes missing during the trip, I may or may not pull a Duncan and get Rodney to destroy several of your private resorts."
Chris snarls in disgust.
"I was supposed to be enjoying those resorts this week, I can't believe I'm taking a stupid road trip with you of all people."
"I assure you the feeling's more than mutual,"
The two of them board.
"You sure your Princess has things handled?" Chris asks.
"I trust her," Conner says. "Believe me I doubted her back on Endless, but she surprised me. That whole cast did,"
He flips on the console on the bridge and the ship's engine's come alive.
"Let's get a move on, If it's all the same to you I'd like to have this fixed before Al regresses back into his original human persona."
"Wouldn't he be less deadly if he did that?"
Conner side eyes him.
"Tell that to the people Vlad Tepes used to rule over back in Wallachia."
"Isn't Dracula supposed to be from Transylvania?"
"You don't know the history do you, Chris?"
Chris shrugs indifferently and puts his regolith covered shoes up on the console.
"Knowing history doesn't get your face on the tabloids, now make with the flying!"
Conner sighs deeply.
"This is going to be a long trip."
He pulls forward on the throttle. The engines glow blue. A blinding crack of light appears before the ship, like a hole in reality. There's a great jolt the ship spaghettifies into the light and then vanishes.
…
That evening, Jack and Penny find themselves standing once more before the mystery door.
Jack secures Flash, The Smuzzy-Fuzzy, making sure the little creature's still safe in his backpack, then turns to Penny.
"Ready?"
"Last chance to not do this, keep our new pet, and continue exploring this place?" She offers. He gives her an unyielding look of resolve. She sighs.
"Right, on with it then." She says disappointedly.
They enter once more into the room of hamsters.
"How deep into this place was your room Flash?"
"No idea, but I'll let you know if anything looks familiar," Flash says. "But why are you getting rid of me? Don't you want to be friends? I want to be friends."
Jack intends to answer but he stops abruptly.
Penny's just opened the door at the far end of the hamster room, A factory full of spinning looms greats them.
"Hang on! Where's all the dragon fruit that was here last time?"
"Oh man," Jack whispers. "I think it changed."
"It what?"
"I think the rooms change," Jack repeats, already he can feel his insides twisting into knots. Everything suddenly seeming more complicated.
Penny scratches her head.
"Maybe the familiar rooms are still in here? I mean surely they must be."
"Wait!"
She's just made to walk forward towards the next door, he pulls her back.
"What if they room's change behind us?" He asks nervously.
Penny thinks for a moment then snaps her fingers.
"Leave that to me!"
She grabs a spool from one of the looms, tying one of it around her waist.
"There!" She says brightly. "Now there's no worry about getting lost! We've just got to make sure we don't close the doors."
They continue on, passing more spaces they hadn't encountered last time, but just as bizarre. A snowy playground in an urban courtyard, A valley full of lush ferns, A room covered floor to ceiling with the tentacles of a sea anemone, A rocky beach beneath a cliffside Vietnamese village.
As they pass place after place, Jack can't help but shake a strange feeling. It reminds of him of the Flesh Pit, the house seeming now suddenly like a great monster they were journeying deeper into the belly of.
"Any of this look familiar Flash?" Penny asks, hopping from rock to rock.
"I don't know?"
"What do you remember seeing before us?"
"Oh, tons!" Says Flash enthusiastically. "I remember lots and lots of really cool things, like this, but different."
"Let us know if any of this rings a bell."
Flash salutes her obediently.
"Aye Aye Captain!"
Jack stares at the little creature more confused than ever.
"You really are alive, aren't you?"
"Yeah, why?" Flash asks innocently.
The weirdest part about all of this was that Jack believed him. There's a spark in his eyes too natural to be a machine.
"Maybe Rodney's wrong, and his house is creating thinking things without knowing," He says to Penny.
She doesn't respond, he looks up and finds she's disappeared.
"Penny!"
"Jack come quickly you've got to see this!"
He rushes over to where Penny's called, finding her through a door in the cliff.
"Penny don't scare me like that!" He says angrily.
"Take a look at this will you?" She urges.
He squints and looks around.
They've entered onto the stage of a cavernous opera hall.
"Cool isn't it?" She asks him, voice reverbing through the massive room.
"It's just a theatre." He says.
"Yeah, but this is what I mean by how cool it'd be to come exploring here more," Penny says excitedly.
She spreads her arms and twirls on stage like a ballerina, laughing.
"Honestly, I never really got what that Rodney bloke was on about building this big place he's got, but I think I get it now. Forget all the rubbish Chris has been having us do, this is what's brilliant about the house, having any sort of space you'd ever want whenever? I mean who else has their own private opera hall, just Rodney."
She looks at him excitedly. "But now that we know the way in it could be ours do really? Ah think how grand that'd be? The whole house as our own private clubhouse were we could get away from schoolwork, or Chris, or trying to figure out how on earth I'm supposed to deal with Tenpenny! I'm mean we're the younger here, the underdogs Jack. Surely we deserve something like that? Deserve a little fun?"
"No!" Jack says firmly.
"Why not!?" She demands. "What have you got against this place?"
"I don't know," He says. "I just feel like we're not supposed to be in here!"
"You're not!"
Both of them and Flash freeze in place. A voice has just come echoing down from the rafters above them.
Jack looks up. Looming in the shadows, a masked figure stares down at them. The now deeply complicated knots in his stomach ruefully informing him that he had failed to consider whether or not Flash might not have been the only person the house had created.
"Who said that?" Penny says nervously. She looks up and spots the figure.
"Who's there? Who are you!?"
The figure laughs coldly, then swoops down towards them.
Everything goes dark.
...
And that's where we wrap things for Part 1. Normally these first parts are pretty quick but this one ended up taking some time, as there's a lot to set up here. A lot of big season long arcs are kicking off here, and more pressingly, a lot of mysteries have materialized. Who's Perky's friend? Why's Alucard suddenly pulling a Benjamin Button? What's up with Flash? Are Jack and Penny alright, and most importantly of all, will Shadow drive everyone to the point of insanity by forcing them to study Archie Sonic Comic echidna lore?
For that last one, the answer is obvious, yes he will.
But to get to the bottom of everything else going on around here, you'll have to wait and read the rest of this three-part special.
