TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains discussions on violence, r*pe, and religion. If any of this subject are difficult for you to read, I'd suggest not reading.
The alarm on my phone began to ring and I reached to shut it off. Much to my surprise, when we'd returned to our apartment last night, Casey once again asked for me to sleep with her. I'm not sure I could ever say no to something so important to her, so I agreed.
Unlike yesterday morning, when I'd woke to find her back to me, this morning she was nearly draped over me. I love the feel of her tucked against me, but how in the hell was I going to disentangle myself without waking her? I needed to get to the gym and meet Binkie on the mats. Then I needed to grab a shower and head down to the large conference room on one for our weekly church service.
I'd just started to climb out of the bed when she stirred. "Lester?"
I leaned over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Go back to sleep, Precious. I'm just going to the gym for a bit. Everything is okay. You're safe."
"Okay," she murmured, then snuggled deeper into the pillow. She looked like an angel tucked under the blankets with her golden hair all spread out on the pillow behind her. I could easily get used to waking up like this every morning.
Mulling over that last thought, I climbed from the bed and headed to my own bedroom to get dress for the gym. The fact remained that I was treading in dangerous territory with her and needed to be careful. She'd literally been through hell, and it was going to take her some time to heal. I was willing to do just about anything to help her get better. However, the last thing I wanted was for her to end up feeling as if I was pushing her for more before she was ready.
It didn't get past me that unlike yesterday morning, she'd agreed to stay in bed and sleep. She was taking baby steps, but she was already making progress.
It was no surprise to me or anyone else when I walked into a nearly full gym. The idea of watching two men beat the shit out of each other was just too tempting for the guys. Especially since they've either all been called to the mats or have called someone to the mats themselves.
Binkie was already in the ring and grinning like a fool. "Decided to sleep in?"
"First of all, it's Sunday. Second, I wanted to make sure Casey went back to sleep before I left the apartment."
His grin faltered. "Is she okay? Please say that seeing me didn't give her nightmares."
Well damn. I knew last night he was screwing with me but seeing him so concerned now had me rethinking my decision to take him to the mats. "You didn't give her nightmares," I repeated.
"But she is having nightmares," Binkie added, knowing to read between the lines.
I raked a hand through my hair before nodding. "Yeah. I woke up at like two in the morning yesterday to find her sitting on the couch crying. She'd dreamed about when she was first taken by Blackmore."
"Bastard," Binkie grumbled. "It's a shame he's getting three squares and a cot all on the taxpayer's dime."
"Yeah, after what he did to those girls he deserves a dirt nap," Cal added.
I nodded. "I agree, but there's not much we can do about that now. And even if we could, that doesn't really help Casey."
"You should have called me," Bobby grumbled. "I could have given her something to help her relax and sleep."
"She didn't want me bothering you," I replied. "So, we sat up and talked for a bit and then she asked me to sleep in bed with her. So, that's what I did."
Bobby's brows winged up at my admission. "You shared a bed with her?"
"Yes." I cocked an eyebrow at him in challenge. "And before you say something we'll both regret, nothing besides sleeping happened. Nothing will happen unless she initiates it."
Woody smirked. "I have a hard time believing that you, the king of conquest, is really going to be able to share a bed with a woman and not take things to the next level."
I turned on my heel to glare at him. "She's broken, and she has a lot of healing to do. Even I'm not that much of a pig."
"So, are you taking Binkie to the mats or not," Cal asked.
I cut my attention to Binkie and after a moment shook my head. "No mats. I'm gonna head back up to the apartment and get ready for church services."
Binkie reached out to bump fists with me. "Sorry about last night. I'll admit that I was trying to get under your skin. I didn't realize how deep your feelings run for Casey or how much stress you must be under worrying about her."
"Thanks," I replied. "All is forgiven. But if you try to flirt with her like that again, I will put your ass through the mats so hard Bobby will have to hire a construction crew to remove you from the building substrates."
Binkie gave a nod. "Duly noted."
I made my way back up to my apartment with my next concern running through my head. After what she admitted to me, would she be willing to go to the church service with me?
While I grew up catholic, as an adult, I definitely haven't been a choir boy. Over the years, I've seen and done a lot of bad shit that's made me question my faith. Yet, I've also seen and experienced situations which can only be defined as divine intervention. Those situations, combined with a deep-rooted need to try and save my soul are what motivates me to attend Sunday services whenever I'm not working.
Knowing Casey's situation, I'm sure she would benefit from attending this morning's service and speaking with Reverend Ridgley. Growing up immersed in the church and it's teaching, I know she must be feeling at least a little lost. Like maybe that piece is missing from her life. I firmly believe Reverend Ridgley would be able to help Casey find her way back to her faith or some revised version of it.
My problem is, how do I convince her to come with me?
I walked into the apartment to find her sitting on the couch reading her tattered bible. That boded well for my mission to get her to go with me. I guess you can take the girl out of the church, but not the church out of the girl. "That was quick," she said as she closed the book and set it aside.
"I changed my mind. Afterall, it's Sunday. I'll work out tomorrow. Instead, I need to get ready for church."
"Church?" The amount of enthusiasm she placed in that one word did wonders in conveying her interest. "W-where do you go to church?"
Maybe this wouldn't be so difficult after all. "Right here in the building," I replied. "Many of the men don't have a dedicated church. Others don't get to go to their home churches as often as they'd like. So, Ranger arranged for a pastor to come in on Sundays. He offers an independent Christian based service."
"So, not any one denomination?" Casey half said half asked. "How does that work?"
"Well, since it's a Christian based service, Reverend Ridgley relies heavily on scripture."
"So, things like taking communion and baptism?"
"Don't happen," I replied.
"What about other religions that aren't Christian based?"
"Right now, we don't really have too many other people with differing religions. We do have a handful who are Jewish. Ranger managed to talk a Rabbi into coming in on Saturday mornings to offer service for them."
"And that all works?" she asked, her tone implying that she couldn't quite wrap her head around my explanation.
I nodded. "I grew up Catholic, but I don't follow those practices much anymore. However, I do find that I like the independent service." I paused and shot her a mischievous grin. "Not as much guilt."
A small smile tipped her lips. "I have a hard time picturing you in confessional."
"What do you know about the confessional?" I asked.
"I know enough to not be able to picture you in one," she shot back with just a hint of sass in her tone. Oh, how I'd love to see more of that attitude from her.
I snorted at her statement. "No kidding. I don't think I'd be received well with a forgive me father I have sinned, this week I killed a man."
Her brows winged up as she stared at me. "Have you really?"
"What? Killed a man?"
She nodded.
I sighed as I eased onto the couch next to her. "Remember back on the bridge when you said you were tainted, and I told you I was too?"
She nodded again but remained silent.
"I chose to go into the army and then into the Ranger's program. I'm proud of the fact that I've done my part to protect our country. However, those choices lead me to committing acts that have left black marks on my soul. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to erase them."
"So, why do you continue to go to church, if you don't believe you can be saved?" she asked.
"Because I also choose to believe that God is merciful. He will understand why I did what I did and forgive me."
She placed a hand on my arm. "You're a good man, Lester."
If she only knew the truth, she might go running from the building screaming. I smirked. "No, I'm really not, but I try to be."
Several silent seconds passed as she appeared to consider my reply. "I chose to live," she murmured as she stared down at where my hand covered hers. "When Blackmore took me, I mean." She shifted her gaze, so she was looking at me. "Did you ever know that originally, there were four of us he kidnapped?"
I nodded. I'd made a point to follow up with the police investigation, Blackmore's trial, and sentencing. I knew about the woman he'd ordered one of his lackies to kill.
"Her name was Samantha," she said.
Her brow knit as if she was trying to validate that name in her mind. "She refused to comply and fought Blackmore and his men. Izzy, Maddie, and I were forced to watch while they beat her bloody. She still refused to cooperate. Blackmore and his men took turns raping her." She shuddered as she sucked in a ragged breath. "When they were done with her, they dragged her out back of their hideout. She was barely conscience, bleeding, and couldn't walk."
Casey started to tremble as she spoke, and it took everything in me not to wrap my arms around her. She needed to get it out of her system. I didn't want to move or do anything that might sidetrack her from completing the story.
She swallowed audibly as her gaze shifted to the far wall. Then she closed her eyes. "When we heard the gunshots, we all jumped and started to cry."
Her gaze slowly lifted to meet mine a second time and my heart shattered at the sight of tears in her eyes. "Blackmore came back into the room and told us that we were all just as expendable. If we wanted to live, we'd better comply. I wasn't afraid to die, but I also didn't feel like I was ready to meet God yet. I wanted to live. I was still hoping that God would save me. So, in that moment I made the choice to comply, even though I knew what I'd be forced to do. You basically did the same thing when you were in the military. You chose to do what you needed to in order to survive."
Desperate to hold her, I shifted to wrap an arm around her and pull her against me. The fact that she understood me on such an elemental level both thrilled and saddened me. I'm thrilled that she understands, but I'm saddened by what she'd been forced to go through to gain that understanding.
"Her screams still haunt me," she whispered as she shifted to wrap her arms around my chest.
For several silent minutes, we sat like that with me resting my chin against her hair. "Lester?" she murmured, her voice sounding so small and tired.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "Yes?"
"Why is it a sin to want to live?"
An hour and a half later, I still had her question bouncing around inside my head as Reverend Ridgley wrapped up his service.
"And with that thought to ponder, our service for this morning is concluded. I hope you all have a safe and blessed week."
Ram stood and motioned to the door. "I'm going to go up and change into work clothes. I'll meet you in the parking garage in ten."
I shook my head. "Give me twenty. I want to talk to Reverend Ridgley really quick."
Ram gave my statement a nod then headed for the door. When nearly everyone had left the room, I made my way over to the reverend.
He was in the middle of placing his bible in his bag, then paused and smiled at me. "Lester. What can I do for you?"
I took a couple of minutes to fill him in on what happened with Casey, including both her suicide attempt and her admission that she'd lost her faith. "Religion has been such a big part of her life for such a long time. I'm worried that she's never going to be happy unless she's able to make peace with her doubts."
He motioned to the folding chairs and we both sat. "With all the trauma she's been through, it doesn't surprise me that she's lost her way. It happens to even the most devoted. Unfortunately, there's no magic formula that's going to help her find her way back. She has to work through the devastation and pain she suffered. I recommend a good therapist if you haven't arranged for one already."
"We have," I replied. "I've caught her a few times reading her bible. So, I don't think her faith is completely gone. I just think maybe she's lost her trust in organized religion. She's been part of that kind of community for so long. I'm afraid she's going to continue to feel lost and disheartened without it."
"Well," he sighed. "I understand your concerns, but you can't force her back to her faith. That's something she's going to need to find on her own. Though, I do want you to consider that much like organized religion, Rangeman is very much a tight knit community which supports one another. If you all work to support her, that will help her heal."
"True." I nodded. "Ella said something similar to that the other day."
"She's a smart woman. However, I have a question for you now."
I arched a brow at him. "What's your question?"
"Based on previous conversations we've had, I know your feelings for Casey seemed to run deep. Now that you've found her, am I correct in assuming your feelings for her have only grown stronger?"
I didn't hesitate. "You would be correct."
"So, I have to ask. How well would you handle it if she did find her faith and decided she needed to return to her home and her congregation?"
"They excommunicated her," I replied. "She can't go back."
"Would they take her back if she decided to do as they asked of her?" he asked.
My brows lifted with his question. I didn't know the answer, but I could only assume they would. "I don't know. Maybe, but she doesn't believe that doing what is necessary to survive is a sin. Honestly, I agree with her."
"She found herself in a horrible situation that was in no way her fault. Choosing to try and survive that situation with the hope of being rescued isn't unreasonable. Even if that means you are forced to commit a sin to do it."
For reasons I couldn't begin to convey, his answer gave me more comfort than I thought possible. "So, you're telling me that for now I shouldn't do anything to try and get her to come with me?"
He shook his head. "Right now, she needs time. Everything is still fresh and painful. Give her space, Lester. Once she finds her footing again, she'll come around. I just hope when she does it's a situation you can both accept."
So, did I.
