I wish I could go back to the first year after Mami died, it was by far my happiest.
Quinn and my kids saved me.
What I didn't know then, something I know all too well now, is that I was putting a bandage over a bullet hole.
My grief was bigger than all of us.
I had pulled away because my feelings were hurt. I'd pushed her away just like I did with B.
Unlike Britt though, Quinn hadn't run into someone else's arms. She'd committed to being an awesome mom and had taken over the drama program at McKinley, turning glee into a full theater program. She was amazing and I was too stubborn to fix what I broke.
For too long, I'd been throwing myself into work, while she was turning our kids into baby geniuses and keeping an eye on Papi when I couldn't.
We were living separate lives, her living in the big house with Papi while we shuffled our kids around the property.
It took our son to snap me back before my stubbornness consumed me completely.
Out of the mouths of babes came my realization that I had been selfish and was having a standoff with the queen of standoffs.
She was in the right, and she was going to wait me out...I knew that from the start, I just didn't think it would last so long.
Now here I sit nearly three years later, separated AGAIN, lonely, and grieving AGAIN.
Except no one had died, I was just being a fucking brat and honestly, I'm sick about it.
I hate it.
I hate that I feel like this.
"Santana, please?" Quinn sat there next to me, begging me to speak to her...or even the therapist across from us but I couldn't speak past the lump in my throat.
"Try to be clearer about what you need, Quinn."
I glared at the therapist, I was NOT stupid. I knew what Q needed, I just wasn't sure how to give it to her.
But Q was a good sport, she took a deep breath and reached for one of my balled-up fists that I was rubbing on my thighs.
And instead of speaking, I did something I hadn't been willing to do in too long, I let her touch me.
When her hand covered my fist, I relaxed my fingers and let her slip her hand into mine.
"Thank you." She said and then scooted closer.
I nodded and squeezed her damp hand.
Which of course made me take notice of how her skin looked paler than the last time we'd touched.
And that, the sickness, is what called out to the medical professional in me. "Are the treatments...are you...is this it?" I croaked out.
Quinn smiled defiantly. "Is that what this has been about?"
"I...I can't do it again." I admitted.
"So you shut me out when I was at my lowest?"
"I was there. You left me." I mumbled.
"Because you changed the locks while I was getting an infusion."
I shook my head, she hadn't let me explain. She'd seen the fresh lock, tried her key, and upon finding it changed, turned around and left...we'd been on a downward spiral ever since.
My throat was tight again as fresh tears spilled from my eyes.
"Have you discussed what led her to change the locks?" The therapist cut in, taking the focus off of me for a moment.
"Not at first. We had been fighting a lot about my treatment, about the decisions I made for my health. The kids were staying with her sister while we were figuring out my health. I felt okay after my infusion, so I didn't wait for her to pick me up, I thought I'd take advantage of our time alone but then I couldn't get in. I knocked and she peeked out the window, I could see it in her eyes...the way she was finished. I've seen it before when she pulled away from her first wife. I couldn't let her hurt me like that, so I left."
"I got scared." I finally admitted.
"I'm still here!" Quinn growled out, and the color came back to her cheeks for a moment before fading.
"She won't tell me anything. I'm shut out from decisions. I don't know if she's dying. I don't know if she is going to end up in a coma and I won't have a say in anything...just like my mom." I said finally.
Quinn tried to pull her hand away, but I gripped it tight.
"Santana, please?" She said, this time wanting the opposite of what she'd asked for.
"I miss you. The locks were stupid. I shouldn't have done that, I was going to suggest we move into the big house or get a place closer to the hospital...I...panicked when you showed up. I was packing us up...I was going to surprise you."
"I hate surprises and so do you."
"I know."
"If you had been upfront, none of this would have happened."
"I know."
"Do you even want me?"
"Of course I do!"
"Do you really want to know about my decisions because the one time I let you in the room, you spoke for me and didn't let me have a say, are you sure you can handle backing off?"
"I'm sorry."
"No. I don't want an apology, I want your word that you'll stop being a fucking doctor when I need my wife."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"You have my word...just let me back in." I said, throwing all caution to the win.
We'd been in a stalemate for too long.
I was tired.
She was tired.
"If I do, you can't shut me out again just because you don't like me speaking up for myself. I need you to try to give up some control."
"This is me trying. I know I messed up, I don't want to be without you."
"What changed?"
"Lucas told me about you wanting to move out of Ohio."
"And you don't want me to take them? Is this you trying to trick me into staying?"
"No. It woke me up, I'm not over you, Q. I was losing myself, it's why I've been in therapy...I've been trying to get to a place where talking to you wasn't so hard."
"For three years?"
"She's very stubborn." My therapist said and I rolled my eyes.
"I love you, Quinn. I wasted too much time...whatever this is. I'm in it with you, you are in full control and I will hold my opinions until you ask for them. Whatever you need, I got you, just don't run without me."
"You remembered?" She said with a smirk.
"I remembered."
I didn't think any of this would work because I had run our relationship into the ground but the smile on her face made everything worth it.
"I'm not dying. Death do us part isn't coming any time soon." She finally admitted.
"You're sure."
"Yes. I just need regular iron infusions every few months. I'm okay."
"That's why you're so pale?"
"Yes."
"Promise me?" I fucking whimpered.
God help me.
"I swear to you, Santana, I'm okay."
I pulled her tight against me, sobbing against her shoulder as I let out all the grief that I had pent up in my chest.
The scent of her sent tingles through my body.
"I've missed you." I whispered.
"I know."
"You know?" I pulled back ready to be a brat but she huffed.
"Our kids are nosey, they tell me how you ask about me. They tell me how you tell them you miss me. I know it all."
"Meanwhile, they don't tell me shit."
"Good, bribery works on them just like it does with their Mami." She winked.
"Rude."
"I love you, Santana."
"I know." I muttered and she raised her eyebrow, "Fuck it, I love you too."
