Chapter 13
(Vibe: Here with me by Susi Suh)
She watched him bracing himself tightly and breathing heavily. He stayed planted in the same spot as if his feet were cemented into the ground, but every so often he would lean forward and look as though he was going to be sick, but minutes later his body would snap back up.
He made it clear that he didn't want to be touched. He growled at her when she tried to approach him with her hands out. He had stepped back, and violently shook his head.
This was different to episodes. This wasn't something she could stop. It wasn't something she could walk him through or comfort him during it.
His body didn't seize, he didn't pace or release the same groaning sound that he usually did.
During his other episodes, he often times when he looked as though he was caged within his own skin and was searching for an escape.
This wasn't one of those times.
He was remembering something else right now.
Something that had scared him in a completely different way.
This time when the walkers entered their space, his head didn't pop up and he wasn't aware of them approaching.
He didn't so much as even look at her when she took them down and their lifeless bodies crashed to the ground.
She didn't know how many hours had passed watching him making his way through a hell, that now, only existed in his mind. The evidence of that hell was still fresh on his skin. But the threat no longer remained in the world outside his head.
She had wanted to tell him that it was over. Negan had been captured and the compound was empty. The saviours didn't exist anymore.
But how could she? How could she say anything about the saviours to him when there was a possibility that it would trigger something inside of him.
She didn't really know what set these episodes into motion, but she did know she didn't want any part in doing it to him.
Finally, as the sun started to set, his legs gave out and he dropped to the ground. He drew his knees up to his chest, pressed his face into them and covered his head with his arms. Just as he always did, just as he had been forced to at the compound.
He was still caught up in it, but the worst of it was clearly over.
She could hear him panting and mumbling something to himself, but even as she approached him, she couldn't make out the words that he as chanting.
She knelt down beside him and let out a sign of relief when he didn't shy away from her. She closed her arms around him as much as she could, and he rocked his body towards her.
There was no denying the anger she had in her. When her hands were gently on him, while she quietly hushed him and softly nuzzled her cheek against his head, internally she was boiling with a silent rage.
She wanted to kill them all. Set them alight and watch them burn alive. She knew without a doubt that she wouldn't feel a shred of guilt.
She would accept who he was now, if he truly couldn't get back to who he used to be, and she would help him all she could. But she would never accept what had been done to him. Nothing would ever wipe this image from her mind, and she'd never forget the sounds he'd made when he broke down again and again. She'd hear them in her head for as long as she lived, nothing would ever silence them.
After a while, his breathing slowed, and his tensed shoulders started relaxing. She knew it was finally over and felt her own muscles relax with his.
He pulled away from her slowly and met her eyes. He looked at her with that same intense stare that she'd found him out here with, but it was no longer laced with anger or annoyance. Now when she looked into his eyes, they seemed softer in a way.
He reached up and placed his hand on her cheek without hesitation. He didn't grow shy like he once had, and he didn't rush the gesture.
His eyes slowly danced over her face, and she stayed still while he committed every inch of it to memory.
She reached up and lightly closed her and around his arm, lightly squeezing it. That simple touch forced his eyes to close and he pressed his brow to hers.
There was no warning when he broke the contact and stood up. He didn't seem angry or scared. He was just done sitting there.
She watched him walk around the clearing collecting socks and taking them to the burnt-out fire by her tent.
He didn't look at her while he got the job done. He was clearly thinking something over in his head and she could see his brow crease in confusion every so often, as though he didn't understand his own thoughts.
When the fire was burning, she sat in her usual spot outside her tent and watched the flames, with Daryl across from her.
She didn't know how to say what she needed to say, and she was scared of saying the wrong thing. She didn't want to pressure him, but at the same time, watching him today made her realise that he couldn't be out here anymore.
All evening he had clearly been thinking something over and she had left him with his thoughts, and he had left her alone with hers.
She knew that he was calm now. He was present in this moment with her, but how long that would last? She couldn't say.
It only made the need to talk to him more urgent.
"We can't stay out Daryl" she told him, keeping her voice barely above a whisper.
His gaze darted up and focused on her. His mouth hung slightly open and for a moment she thought he might say something. But he must have thought better of it, because he closed it and frowned, turning his attention back to the flames.
"We're not safe." She pressed.
His brow creased and she wondered if her choice of words could have been better. Was telling him he wasn't safe really the right way to go?
"We can go back to Alexandria and-"
"We?" He asked, tightening his jaw.
She clamped her lower lip between her teeth as she watched his expression shift back into a mask of annoyance and frustration, something his expression held so often now.
"Yeah. You and me." She told him, trying to keep her tone placid and even.
"You left" he grumbled, throwing the twig he had been fidgeting with into the fire.
He was angry and it was clear, it was all there in his face.
She nodded. "I did"
His frown deepened and she knew then that he hadn't understood why she'd left, and she also knew that more than anyone else, he deserved an answer.
She rung her hands together nervously, only stopping when she noticed him watching the action closely.
"I just had to get out of there. I couldn't fight anymore-…"
His eyes narrowed further as he watched the fire and took in her words.
". I couldn't stand it". She added quietly.
She didn't know if it was something in her tone or something she had said, but in an instant as the anger was gone.
He nodded, flinching slightly at her words, as though they stung something inside of him.
She sucked back a breath, hoping to steady herself before she finished.
"I'm sorry, I should have been there for you… and Glenn." She told him, acknowledging the horribly selfish thing she'd done.
She stopped herself and took a deep breath, she used every ounce of power she had, to stop herself from breaking down right there.
The guilt burned in her chest, and she struggled to breath. But she didn't cry, she didn't let herself.
She took in his sad expression and how soft his eyes were as they bore into hers.
Sometimes when he looked at her like that, she didn't know what to think. She didn't know what he was thinking. She knew at any given moment he could leave, if he simply had the impulse to. That's what he acted on now, uninhibited instincts. He didn't sit around thinking about consequences or different routes he could take. He simply acted.
She shook her head and broke eyes contact with him and started shuffling through the bag of supplies.
"Are you hungry Daryl?" She asked him, refusing to look at him. She didn't know why he was looking at her like that. Was it the mention of Glenn? Was he remembering that she had left him, that she had failed him?
"No" he told her, creasing his brow slightly as he continued to watch her.
She chewed at her lower lip and nodded, trying to think of a way to get him to eat something.
She searched though the bag again and sifted through the various items, still feeling his hard stare on her.
"Carol" he murmured, his tone resembling something closer to growl then a voice.
She glanced up at him, just in time to see him stand up.
His unreadable expression was unnerving and if she didn't trust him as much as she did, it would be enough to scare her.
He peered down at her as he approached, the light from the flames illuminated his huge form as he stood over her and she could only wonder why what he was doing.
He looked down at her from where he stood, barely a foot away, for a short while before kneeling down.
"Don't want any tonight." He told her looking down at the pouch that peaked out from under her coat.
Her mouth hung open and her eyes grew wide as she took in the fact that he'd known all along that she was sneaking sleeping pills into his dinner.
An apology quickly rose but was completely ignored by him.
Rather than acknowledging her stuttered out words, he reached over and tugged at her arm, nodding towards her tent.
She didn't know what he was implying until he crawled into it.
She followed after him and regarded him with absolute confusion as he settled himself into the bed.
Briefly she thought of asking him if he wanted to sleep in the tent, while she kept an eye on things. But she never got a chance to voice her question.
He leaned up slightly and took a hold of her wrist and pulled her onto the bed beside him.
He didn't say a single word as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest.
She was here to look after him, she had promised herself that she would be strong for him, she would put her own feelings away and she would help him.
But as he buried one hand into her hair as the other rubbed lightly over her back, she could feel her resolve slipping away from her.
She could could feel it in her chest, like cracks spreading over glass as it broke.
It was all just too much to take.
They stayed like that right through the night. Until she cried herself to sleep in his arms.
She woke in the morning to the sound of him quietly crawling from the tent.
He'd barely taken two steps out before he started pulling his shirt off.
She followed him out and she was sure he must have heard her, but if he did, he showed no sign of it.
Without a second thought he stripped of his clothes, down to his boxer shorts and dove into water.
She watched him slowly wade through it, enjoying the calmness it offered him, and she thought that it looked more than a little inviting.
She started pulling her shirt of and unbuttoning her jeans.
It wasn't until he heard her step into the water that he turned to look at her.
There wasn't a single moment to wonder if she was imposing. The smile that curled the corner of his mouth let her know that he had been waiting on her.
He walked slowly through the water as she approached him. With complete confidence he reached out and put his hands on her hips and pulled her body towards him, until it was flush against his.
He wrapped his arms and held her up, as the water got too deep for her feet to touch the ground. He smiled at her playfully before he pulled her under the water with him and when they rose back up he shook his head and froze as she smoothed back his hair.
It was so simple.
He didn't have to contemplate a single thing; she was sure then that he couldn't even remember why he used to keep her at arm's length. He couldn't remember why he hadn't done this years ago.
His smile grew and he leaned into her, pressing his lips against hers and tightening his hold on her.
A warm and comforting rush ran through her blood, as though every part of her sighed in relief and rejoiced all at once.
She held on to that kiss for as long as she could. The one that she'd wanted for since she met him.
Smiling into her mouth and rubbing his thumb over the bare skin of her waist. In that moment, he was just as happy, he was just as relieved as she was.
