I've arrived at the citadel. I messaged Kaiden and he said he'll come right down. I have five days until I have to head back. The service is tomorrow night. The attire is formal. I don't have anything else really. My original shirt is thrash. Holes everywhere and a sleeve torn off. Currently, I'm wearing a t-shirt from a biotic ball tournament we participated on shore leave. It was guys night. Third place with only one biotic. God I miss my friend. I know I'll probably see Shepard again, but it still sucks that he's gone. My leveled-up emotions are making it difficult. Should I turn them off? No, Shepard put up with my crap, the least I can do is properly mourn him.
Kaiden brings me to the hotel. The room is nice. Cedar walls and carpet. Very different from what is normal on the citadel. Knowing how cheap metal is, this must be five stars. I never cared much for status. Room A or expensive identical room B on the top floor, it still has four walls and a bed. On my bed are fancy black pants and some kind of shirt. It's black with a red color. Alliance formal wear. Kaiden said I should wear it despite not being an official member. I try it on and it's a little loose. I voice my concerns. He said I look great, and it won't matter.
I ask "Is Ashley here? Anderson? Shep's mom?"
Kaiden answers "Everyone is here, including Garrus and Tali. We waited for you. I know this is sudden, we want everyone close to commander Shepard to say a few words. When you have a few, write something. Say whatever you feel like. No pressure."
"It will be an honor. I'm sorry I didn't message you guys as much as I should. I really wanted to keep in contact with everyone but life got in the way" I shot my hand upwards.
"It's ok. We all could have made more of an effort. None of that matters now. How is life on Tuchunka? Can't be that hard if the cottage is coming along nicely" Kaiden said.
"It is rough but rewarding. Most of the other Krogan do not want me there. An outsider. I tend to ignore them, except for this one recently. I made a friends with a few. Baby steps. I'm working my way up to conquering them" I said.
"That explains the bruising. Don't worry it's barely noticeable to the untrained eye and Ash can touch it up" Kaiden said.
"Can she do my nails too?" I raise my hands up and wiggle the claws.
"Sure she ca… what the hell? Sorry didn't mean to swear" Kaiden is disgusted by my oven mitt flesh grabbers.
"You move rocks and make your own mortar by hand for months and see how well your nails are" My nails are of various lengths and colors. Some are chipped in a few places, others I had to bite off. Tuchunka only had knives. I couldn't find any scissors and making a file wasn't worth my time. Wait, the weapons smith had one, I should have asked him if I could borrow it.
"Can't you do the reset thing. Get your old body back?" Kaiden asks.
"And lose my gains? Not happening. Dude, the food on Tuchunka has something in it. I've been to a lot of places and tried many foods, something is in it. I have even more energy and my muscles are stronger. I wasn't sure that was possible. I was never elite level or anything, but I never imagined having this strength while maintaining endurance and flexibility" I said.
"Any ideas?" Kaiden asks.
I lower my head and shake in defeat "I have no freakin clue"
"You're not going to get sick are you?" Kaiden looking after my health.
"There were a few wild foods I tried that made me feel sick. I was careful. Never enough to poison me, probably. I stayed away from those" I said.
"That's good. I know how much you hate that. Hey *********, is there anything you can do about…" Kaiden is trailing off.
"What is it?" I sternly ask.
"Could… could you bring Shepard back to life?" Kaiden is giving me the puppy dog eyes. That is taboo what he is asking, Ok nothing is really forbidden, however it goes against my personal code of violating free will. He's hurting, I'll be compassionate.
"Even if I would, I'd need a body" and consent from Shepard. If his soul severed from his meat suit. The game was very unclear if he'd actually died or was on the edge. From my experience, he's probably teetering. Closer to death than I was.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have asked" Kaiden is disappointed.
"I know. I wish we didn't have to suffer, but I'm not in charge… yet" I'll never be responsible for all these mortals.
"What do you mean by that?" Kaiden asks nervously.
"Relax man I'm messing with you" I laugh it out. Some tears come out with it.
The alliance soldier escorts me out of the room. Kaiden shows me the way to where the private service for Shepard will be. This is for close friends and family. The council will throw a public one. A Lot of humans are hurting. Shepard was their savior and hope for humanity's place in the galaxy. Most are afraid of what will happen next. Kaiden informed me that the council out of respect for Shepard will devote themselves to developing a positive relationship with Earth's major governments and the alliance.
The room is being decorated. Banners with the image of Shepard are on both sides of the stage area. The one on the left shows Shepard in a formal white suit. The one on the right is an Image captured from his time bravely fighting the batarians on remote human colonies. A travel journalist in the wrong place at the wrong time captured that photo. The picture makes him look strong, fearless. That was far from the truth. Shepard was terrified most of the time. He asked me for tips on how to deal with it. I told him it was a fool's errand and he'd eventually miss that feeling. I respected him immensely because of his fear. I asked him how he was able to overcome it. A strong will could overcome it, or if he'd built up a tolerance. He said 'I'm more terrified of what happens if I fail.'
I see Garrus and Tali talking, off to the side from the other humans. Garrus sees me and waves. Tali swiftly turns around. I walk up, arms wide, and greet my xeno friends.
"Garrus, how is my other best male alien friend? Where is he?" He knows I joking.
"I put him in jail the first chance I got. I see you're doing well. I wished our first meetup was under better circumstances" he said.
"Me too. If Shepard hadn't died, I thought I'd send invites to a housewarming party once I finished" I knew my chances were slim. There was no guarantee Shepard would die, I was deluding myself for expecting anything different.
Tali hugs me and I embrace back. I missed this little energetic lilac engineer.
"It's amazing you're building a house. You're living my dream. I missed you very much *********. Besides things considered, you look phenomenal. Your muscles look bigger and much more defined. Your skin changed colors. You look darker. Are you sick?" ah I miss her naive mind. Normally I would tease her. Say something ridiculous to confuse the poor girl. I'm not in the mood this time. I don't have the energy. Well… I do, I have a surplus, but this is not the moment for it.
"It's called a tan. When our skin is exposed to more sunlight we produce a pigment to shield from UV damage. I'm not ill" I explained.
"It looks good. I like it" Tali compliments.
"Thanks" I hear a woman wailing. Those are tears of grief. I turn around and find Anderson comforting a woman that shares some resemblance to my boss who died in order to get a vacation. A wise strategy.
"You must be Shepard's mom. I do not know if you know who I am. My name is *********. I was a consultant for your son, and we were close. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through" her eyes light up. She has dark brown hair and warm round eyes. A comforting air circulates around her. She reminds me of my mom. Shepard had a fantastic mother.
"You're him. My son told me alot about you. Aside from the complaints, he loved having you around. He never said it of course, but a mother can tell" she smiles, remembering those conversations with her son.
"He was an admirable man. Strong, good hearted, responsible, too much, needed to loosen up" I said.
"Yep. That's my boy. Always had the world on his shoulders" She said.
"Alot of complaints?"
"Many" she said. Sheppy cried to his mommy about me? Oh I am so using that against him.
"Where is his Dad? I need to thank the man who raised my annoying pain in the butt boss. You know he never paid me" Something is wrong. She looks away and Anderson twitches his neck.
"His father was only a donor, let's leave it at that" oh…. Oh. Wow Shep turned out quite well all things considering.
"Ah I didn't mean to… CHANGING THE SUBJECT, Anderson, how is being on the council? I have a few ideas on how to run things if you'd like" I actually have some really good advice. Sadly, most people don't understand my teachings.
"I think my advisors are more than capable for that task…" That is polite talk for I ain't hearing your bullcrap.
"Where is the backstabber? I have a knife to give back" I'll return it the way he sent it.
"Ambassador Udina was not invited. He's actually a good person deep down. VERY deep down. He's been under alot of pressure since Shepard came into contact with the beacon. He had changed briefly, but he seems to be back to his normal self… for the most part" Udina did seem off on the bus. I couldn't place my finger on it. I'm very skeptical of politicians. In my era, they were a bunch of manipulative narcissistic bastards which caused me to fight in multiple revolutionary wars to expel my wraith, mostly. Someone pulls my shirt sleeve.
"Don't look but Liara is here. She is… what is that human word where your ancestors go into fire to be cleansed? Hell? Her bond with Shepard caused by his death… and losing her mom broke her. We'd hardly see her leave her room and none of us had seen her eat. Do you think you could talk to her?" Tali said.
"Why me?" I barely talked to the teal lady.
"You have a way with people. She needs you" I am not a therapist in this life! Fine, I'll go. I walk over to hear. Tali was not exaggerating. Liara has huge dark circles around her eyes and the veins in the sclera are popping out. She looks miserable.
"Oh… Hello *********. You look well" She's struggling to even speak.
"Liara… you have to take care of yourself. When did you last sleep or eat?" I gently ask. She looks down, embarrassed. "Hey it's safe here, let it flow out."
"I've been sleeping a lot. It helps me. I try to eat. Some days I can, others are a chore" shes subconsciously trying to drain herself. If the body focuses all its energy into survival, it can't allocate it into emotions. I know she is struggling, but she has to feel it and go through the grieving process. It won't stop until she does.
"I understand. I've been in your shoes. When m… my mom died, it was one of the worst things I have been through. I have been in unbearable pain for way too long. It was nothing compared to losing her" I said.
"What did you do?" she looks at me, eyes filled with attentive curiosity.
"I grieved. I did whatever I had to" I'm starting to tear up. I can talk to my mother, well energy 'text.' Liara can't. For all she knows, her mom is gone forever. I don't know if asari believe in an afterlife, most cultures do. It is believed to be a few key instinctive memories our souls bring into the body. No one is really sure why.
"Will it ever stop? The pain?" she cries.
"Nothing lasts forever, good or bad. Consider that a gift from the cosmos. I know it is hard to imagine right now, but there will be a day when this is over. You will laugh, smile, and enjoy life again. But no. The pain will be there. It will quiet down and go into the background but will always be there" I speak from experience.
"Do you promise?" tears fall from her eyes. Her face begs me for a yes. Hope for relief. I hug her tightly and tell her yes. I shouldn't be doing this, it technically violates my code, but she'd agree if I told her. I use my energy to turn down the power generator in her body. It will temporarily reduce how much of her energy is used to generate the complex process that creates the feeling of grief. She's still going to be sad for a long time, but this will give her a break. She thinks my amazing hugs are the reason she feels better. Liara thanks me and I see a glimmer in her eyes. I didn't do it. What is she thinking?
I take a break from the crowd to decompress from that. I hate funerals. The hard part is almost over. I stand outside and breathe the calm air. I close my eyes and relax my mind. Focus on following the energy through my body in a smooth way. A firm hand slaps my shoulder.
"Where is Wrex?" Ashley asks.
"He couldn't make it. He sends his regards" I said.
"That blows. How are you doing? You look rough?" Ashley asks.
"I'll be ok. I was shocked when I got the news. Kaiden messaged me. And earlier I had a talk with Liara. Shared my experiences and brought up some painful memories. It was worth it. See seems better. How about you?" I ask.
"Better than I thought. I hope I'm not becoming desensitized to my friends dying. Or it I haven't really processed it yet" she explains.
"Yeah, it's weird how people can react so differently. What is going to happen with you and Kaiden? You can always help me build my cabin. I'll have to make two more bedrooms. No funny business when I'm asleep" I said.
"As much as I love that idea, we are not sure yet. We've been focusing on Shepard's service. The alliance is still looking, but I'm not hopeful. His body could be out of the system by now. We want to stick together, but the brass calls the shots. We might come visit if we pass through" Ashley said.
"You should. I think you'd like the krogan men, and them you" I paint that picture. She gags.
"Hahaha. Yeah, we'll see what the great flow directs us" I said.
Ashley fires back "Who knows. Maybe you'll find a nice krogan girlfriend."
"Eww. Not happening. Even if I wanted to, I don't think that's possible. Too be honest, I'm unclear how they reproduce" I said.
"What do you mean?" Ashley asks.
"Oh I got to talking with them. They were talking about the genophage and they went back and forth about spawning and stillbirths. I asked them to clear it up. Wrex said Krogan evolved a special pouch to contain the tadpoles until they were ready to pop, or in an emergency empty them into a pond and come back later. I'm still confused and don't want to think it further" shivers.
"I bet. Oh wewh and to think human women had it harsh" Ashley said.
"I wouldn't know. I'm going to head back inside. Talk to everyone once more then head back to my room. I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast. Bye Ashely" I waved.
I make my rounds and head back to my room. Kaiden gave me the key and I plopped down on the soft bed. This is why I am so hard on myself, the feeling of this bed after months away make it feel like heaven. I'm creating a copy of this memory and will feel it as I please. I lay down and close my eyes and let the darkness surround me. My mouth opens widely and yawns. I'm going to sleep. I rub my cheek along the pillow, enjoying the soft fabric. It soothes me asleep.
