"Get out of here" the ebony blurry figure is back.
"You had your fun and got to experience friendship. It didn't help you" it said.
"We don't know that" I said.
It sarcastically suggests "Will you try to reach the Apogee again?"
…
"It's been over a thousand years since you last tried!"
"Shut up!"
"Your family is waiting for you and you're off playing soldier."
"They can put in the work and come see me!"
"Why on earth-"
"Why on Normandy."
"Why would they leave permanent bliss to see you. After all they've done for you, doesn't seem fair."
I growl.
"Keep wasting your time. You don't deserve to see your family." it disappears.
I take a moment to collect myself. I hate that thing. I believe it's a manifestation of my thoughts I try to ignore. It's not like I made zero progress making the climb. The last time I probably made it halfway there before my feelings became too much. My therapy session with Kelly will help. I walk to the conference room. All the staff members watch me as I move. I hate the attention.
Knock knock.
"Come in" Kelly's voice I hear.
I take a seat across from her. Wait, I can make a couch. I do that and lie down. Now this is a therapy session.
"Told you this would take all day."
"Did you know you'd be caught?"
"Experience gave me a hunch. I was trying to go the whole way without getting caught. I'm basically halfway through so I'll stick around.
"I'm sure you'll be beneficial to the mission. Fair warning, the illusive man will want to speak with you, I'm sure. But I need to write a report. I won't give out any personal details. Have you had therapy before?"
"Yes, but this is the first time someone knew about my hobbies."
"So, you're familiar with the process. Let's begin. Why did you come here? How come you learned these abilities? Was it well known in your universe?"
"No. We thought it was religious fantasy or magic. I actually been to universes where magic is real. The concentration of this stuff is higher there and the indigenous people there could easily. feel and control it, although they don't usually figure out ascension. Shooting lightning bolts is a lot simpler and faster to learn than vibrating everything at a higher level. Anyways, I hated my universe and wanted out. Where there is a will there's a way, and my will is the strongest. Also I believed I was helped. I never figured out what caused my experience. Despite my efforts, even time traveling back to that moment, I could never replicate it. I think someone took pity on me, but that's only a belief.
"You said you hated your universe?"
"I know how it sounds but you need to understand. While I did grow up with an amazing loving family in the greatest country in the world, it was hell growing up. I was born blue and that caused problems. Had anger issues for my entire childhood and the medications forced on me had long term consequences. It was like I was constantly attacked in one form or another from before I was even born. The people there were horrible too. You grow up hearing if you do this then x will happen only for them to pull the rug out when it's time to pay up. Just work harder, more school, wait a few more years, it doesn't matter if we'd had that at your age, you haven't earned it yet. Sorry I'm ranting."
"It's quite not normal. What you describe sounds horrible. It shouldn't have happened to you. Despite what happened, the idea to one day leave everything is a very unhealthy coping mechanism. I mean no offense."
"That's not what happened." I look down. "I got really sick for a long time. It got bad. Really bad. One day I -I felt something fluttering in my chest. It wasn't my heartbeat because it was out of sync. It scared me. My only goal was to strengthen that feeling so it wouldn't happen again. It took a very long time to recover. Years later after I learned about energy manipulation and what I felt."
"how'd your family react?"
"I never told them. I kept it a secret until after they died. I briefly talked to them while they were transitioning upwards. I haven't seen them since."
"How come?"
"It's impossible for me."
"Why can't you see your family?"
"They are at the Apogee. That is what I call it. Other people call it whatever they want. The stuff that allows me to do my abilities, it vibrates. At a low vibration, it becomes matter. If there is a high amount of energy, it operates at a high vibration and frequency. The thing is when a person is in that place, it amplifies any feelings you have. If you live a good life, the way it flows through your soul creates this unimaginable bliss. Normally people easily go there after they die, but my case is complicated. I tried talking to the people at the guild for help, but I am stuck. When I try to go there, eventually I reach a point where I feel great, but there is also this feeling of intense sadness that I can't bear. I'm not sure what's causing it. I tried everything. Going to energy healers, being a hero, redoing the stuff I did to ascend like eliminating all the negative energies from my being. I even went to extremes like starving myself to death, dying of dehydration, making myself cry for hours attempting to expel whatever it is that is holding me back. If I want to reach the Apogee, I need to do something, but I have no idea what at this point.
"That's why you travel? You're looking for something to help?"
"I always keep an eye out for anything that benefits me, but I'm just distracting myself at this point."
"Is there anything you can do?"
"I always found a way and if there wasn't one, I carved a path."
"Why can't your family materialize and visit you?"
"Basically, becoming solid again is returning to a previous state. Take wood and turn it into paper. Now take that paper and fold it until it's hard as wood. Remember you're the paper."
"That sounds painful!"
"It's a comparison. It doesn't hurt, especially if you know what you're doing, but it's tough.
"Interesting. How has the crew reacted to your revelation?'
"Some people are afraid. Others are confused. The people I was closer to pretend not to care but I can see through their act. It fucking sucks!"
"WHOA!"
"What? Oh, please don't. I can curse. It's just rare for me to do so. I keep it in reserve for when I'm really upset."
"I didn't realize. It's only natural for people to be afraid. What did you think would have happened?"
"Pretty much this. I've had this situation happen before. Usually, I leave. Still contemplating that scenario."
"No don't leave. We'd miss you."
"Oh, you're so sweet. Thanks, I needed to hear that. People's fear will reside eventually. Although anger lasts much longer. Shepard for not stopping his near-death experience is one example."
"He went through something no one else experienced. And to find out it could have been prevented is not an easy pill to swallow."
"I know exactly what he feels. It's going to take him a long time to come to peace with what happened and even then, he'll ask himself what would have happened if I didn't have to go through horrible event."
"Were you a therapist?"
"In one lifetime. I alternate between living a normalish live, exploring the energy realms, or enjoying stuff like this. Something to do."
"Did you ever meet Sigmund Freud?"
"No. I stay away from the big names just in case. I don't want to accidently prevent their teachings from not getting out to the public."
"I have so much I want to talk to you about. Let me tinkle and we can talk" Kelly puts her notes away and walks around my couch. Before she exits the door, she asks, "you said something earlier about my pink dress?"
"Girl you freaky!"
