It's been a day and a half since the collector's station was blown up. Most of the crew is celebrating they get to live another day. I'm letting them enjoy their time without my presence. The crew is understandably pissed that I refused to warn them about being abducted. I would be as well in their shoes. Not everyone has an upbeat attitude. A few of us are mourning a friend who is not having any more days with us. Kasumi was a bright social woman with a heart of gold. Her kleptomania was annoying at first, but we grew to love it. She would return the items with a sticky note that read "Sorry :)"
I'm standing outside of her room. The square green button that opens the door exists waiting to be pushed. It's been waiting for ten minutes at least, pondering why it takes so long to complete its purpose. The flattened cardboard boxes under the armpit will absorb my sweat and scent if I wait any more. Time to ignore my urges. I hit the button and walk in.
The lack of soft classical music in the background filled with the quiet humm of the room reminds me how lifeless this room is compared to how it used to be. Kasumi loved to read books on that couch. I prefer to do it in bed. Kasumi didn't like it because it was bad for her sleep hygiene. She has a modest collection. We are heading to Illium for emergency repairs. The Normandy is badly damage, and we are going at the slowest FLT speed possible to prevent any unwanted accidents. Even with the parts I replicated, The Normandy is barely holding together. Then we'll head to the citadel to complete our repairs then notify the council of our findings. I'll donate these books to a nearby library or something. I fold the boxes into shape and clear her shelves. Most of her novels were romance and or historical adventures. Humans of this era have primitive longing for returning to the times the threat of aliens no longer existed. Hard to believe these people idolized the time I lived in; I forgot it was much better here. A large fake leather book is surprisingly light and rattling. A fake book with some jewelry inside. That's strange, she never wore any. Her suit was unable to make anything over it transparent. Looking closely, I see engraving. "To my forever, I'll be with you always." Now they can.
Based on the fictional stories I came across, people thought immortals would lose their emotional capabilities for empathy and compassion. While that is the case for those, I met who can't control their energies like me, my resets also reset my brain receptors. I feel just as sad as anyone else would be. Even more so actually. Along with tampering with my emotional generators, I automatically feel the grief of others, unable to block it out. Self-isolation helps. Tali would check up on me. I held strong so I could be a rock for her. Tali is very upset about Kasumi's geth. Tali confided in me. She blames herself for Kasumi's death. If it wasn't for her reduced visibility, she could have dodged the sniper fire and Kasumi would still be alive. It's nonsense. Tali is just trying to find a reason for her guilt in order to justify the pain she is in. There is none. Three repetitive metal on metal sounds come from behind me. Legion and Tali walk in.
"Hey *********" Tali said.
"Hello *********. We wish to help you through this difficult time" Legion must have rehearsed that line. It sounds so close to how an organic would say it.
"Hey guys. I needed something to do, and I was the closest person to Kasumi. It felt like it should have been me" I said.
"We came to help. She was our friend too" Tali said.
"Affirmiti- Our relationship was on good terms" Legion said.
"Tali I understand but you Legion?" I hope my tone wasn't insulting.
"We were curious about her photon tangibility cloth and seeked to replicate the technology for our purposes. Close up study of organic's behavior in order to learn more about your functions" Legion said.
"That sounds really creepy" I said.
"We now understand how it sounds. Privacy is a right that should be respected. Kasumi was very gentle and patient with us. She was the first person after you on the Normandy to show us kindness. She will be missed" Legion respectfully bows his head.
"Yeah, she will. How are the others dealing with it?" I ask Tali.
"The girls' night doesn't feel right without her. We are thinking of canceling it" Tali said.
"No don't do that. Kasumi would hate that idea" I said.
"Yeah. we'll give it some time" Tali said.
Legion does his signature head tilt "inquiry. Why are you saddened by the death of Kasumi? From your perspective she has only moved. Visitation is possible" Legion said.
"Legion" Tali raises her voice like an innocent child said something inappropriate.
"No, it's fine. Legion I must have not told you. I'm anchored into the denser vibrational realms. I can't travel to where Kasumi's soul is now. If I do ever see her again, it will be a very long time and the death of my friend still hurts. Physically hurts. We bonded and death pulled that bond apart. Like ripping an actual piece of my body off" I explained.
"We understand and apologize for our ignorance" Legion politely said.
"Is there anything we can do to help?" Tali offers.
"Uh… for someone with the urge to steal, she doesn't have much. I found this in a secret compartment book. It feels like something a family member should own. Other than that, just put the books in these boxes, roll up the posters and put them in the cargo area. Somewhere away from view" I asked.
"Acknowledged. How can we make you happy? We can convert your RV into a sky car if you wish" Legion said.
"Thanks, but I can fly, and I just phase it into existence wherever random spot of land I stop at. Legion I just need time" I explained.
"Is there anything at all? We're worried about you. Commander Shepard said you lost your abilities while on the station. Are you mortal now?" Tali asked.
"I'm not sure what happened. Maybe a combination of the blast from the device, the proximity to the black hole, and the station's immense mass effect generator must have interfered with me somehow. I checked and everything is back. Actually, I got a lot stronger. It happened before spontaneously. I'm fine. I'm not going to blow up or anything" I said.
"If you think of anything, let us know and we'll do our best" Legion said.
"There is actually one thing" I said.
"What do you wish?" Legion asked.
"Do you think you could ask the geth collective to let the Normandy visit Rannoch?" My question causes Tali to perk up.
"Geth collective welcomes peaceful visits from organics…" Legion said then is interrupted by a thrilled beautiful quarian engineer.
"REALLLY! I CAN GO HOME! Legion thank you thank you thank you" Tali hugs Legion tightly. He awkwardly pats her shoulder.
"Issue. Geth mainly occupy remote stations in the Rannoch star system. Planet is reserved for resident quarians" Legion said.
"Could you call in a favor with the collective and ask them to ask the quarian government?" I asked.
"The current governments are decentralized and all xenophobic. We can ask, but it could be dangerous. We will vouch and escort you of course" Legion explained.
"What does decentralized mean?" Tali asked.
"Multiple forms of governments with varying systems not controlled by one single individual, group, or organization. Highly independent of each other. Little consensus except for ostracization of migrant quarians, technological limitation, and withdrawal from galactic civilization. " Legion explained.
"I only asked because it would make me feel better if Tali is happy. I don't want to risk your safety" I said.
"Legion, would they attack me?" She asked.
"Unlikely if we request it. Pending Shepard Commander's approval, should we make the request?" Legion asked. I look over to Tali who is nodding her head.
"Thank you Legion. We can use a vacation" I said.
"We are forever in your debt" Legion said.
"I can't believe we are going to Rannoch. I'm going to tell my father after this" Tali said. Her beaming excitement makes me feel a bit better. It covers up what I'm feeling. Aside from grief, I feel weird. My current girlfriend helping me clear out my former late girlfriend's (one bad date and saying fling feels disrespectful) belongings. Jack is going to enjoy her new room. Speaking of which, I cannot believe she had an awakening so soon. She is a prodigy. While it varies from person to person and I think mine was accidental as well, it's like she doesn't even have to try. I know she is going through the same process because she's craving a lot of fruits and healthy vegetables, so much I had to replicate more. I'm envious of how fast she is progressing.
Tali and Legion were very helpful. They took the boxes for me and left me alone to grieve. This feeling below my ribs screaming I did wrong won't leave. I'm going to schedule an appointment.
"*********, why did you schedule an appointment with me? It's been over a week since the collector's station was destroyed. I offered therapy to everyone who needed it after what we've been through" Kelly said.
"I wanted to give everyone else a chance first. They needed it more than me" I said.
"Your emotions are just as valid as anyone else. I can tell something is eating you up. What is it?" she asked.
"... I feel guilty" tears start to roll down my face. I reach for a tissue and blow my nose.
"What do you have to feel guilty for?" she asked.
The flood gates open "I killed Kasumi."
"What?! No, you didn't. A collector killed her. Not you. Why would you say that?" she asked.
"BECAUSE I'M RESPONSIBLE" I didn't mean to shout.
"How are you in any way responsible?" she asked. Confused how I reach such a conclusion.
"If I never told her about the afterlife, she would have dodged that bullet and she'd still be here" I said.
"You have no idea if she would have or not. If she did, Tali might have been killed instead. This is what she wanted. She's with Kenji now in heaven" Kelly reminds me.
"Yeah, but she would have been with him again either way. Now, she'll never get the chance to have a full life. There's so much she'll never experience now and it my fault" I said.
"Just because she might have had the opportunity, doesn't mean she would have wanted it. I'm sure there's plenty of things you could have done but didn't want to" Kelly said.
"Yeah, but that was my choice" I said.
"And Kasumi made hers. *********, I think you have survivor's guilt" Kelly said.
"Probably. It's just… Why was I given these opportunities? There are plenty of people better than me. Why weren't they given the same chance I had. It's not fair. Why does Kasumi get her life cut short while I'm free to walk around" I said.
"Is this about Kasumi or something else?" Kelly asked.
"Maybe? Yes. No. Both?" I don't know. I just want to understand why it had to happen like this" I said.
"I'm not god. I don't have any answers. Not everyone is on the same path. We are built differently. It's just how things are" Kelly said.
"I know. I wish I had a button to push that made everything ok" I said.
"We all wish that at times. It's human" Kelly said.
"It feels like I'm not doing enough" I said.
"What? ********** you have done so much for this crew even before you revealed your abilities. You helped Shepard saved the galaxy for fun and the next thing you did was rebuild the Krogan civilization out of boredom. You are too hard on yourself" she said.
"Eh. Maybe. I don't know I feel like this" I said.
"Is this even a psychological issue? Did the blastwave affect you in any way?" she asked.
"Oh yeah. That thing hurt liked a motherfucker. It lasted for less than a second, but it HURT! oddly afterwards I never felt better" I said.
"Could your tampering with your emotions perhaps crossed some wires?" she asked.
"No. It did at first, but I repaired the damage thousands of years ago. That's not the problem" I said.
"Maybe the problem isn't your not doing enough, rather there is something you need to do" she is alluding to something.
"Such as?"
"I could use your help. I can't say much without breaching confidentiality. As you know quarians develop strong bonds" Kelly said.
"one of the many things I love about Tali" this is the first time I smiled since I entered this room.
"AWW. Anyways, I'm concerned she'll throw herself into work to avoid dealing with her emotions" she said.
"That is going to be a problem. Even with the new parts I made, her father and Legion's help, she and the engineers are barely keeping the ship together" I said.
"The hardest part of a mental health counselor on a ship. Balancing patient needs with crew survival. Well, when she does have time off, make it special" she said.
"Oh I plant to. It won't be that much longer, and she has something to look forward to. After Illium, we are heading to Rannoch for a quick visit" What I said made this redhead light up brighter then Rudoplh's nose.
"REALLY! WE ARE GOING TO RANNOCH! Can you get me fabric. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE"
"Calm down. I'll see what I can do. Thanks for talking to me. It helps getting this off my chest. I'll talk to you later" I said.
"Drop by anytime. Could you please get me dark red fabric with cute little birdies? *********? *********!" I walk out of the room before her excitement becomes too much. She seems more excited then Tali is. I should go see her and prepare for a special night.
