Jane's only consolation was that she didn't really do this to herself. Sure, she'd invited Maura to dinner outside earlier like an idiot, but the doctor had turned her down. So technically, technically it wasn't Jane's fault that this awkward dinner was happening. No, the mess she was in was an Angela Rizzoli special. Not that any of that was going to make a difference to Amy.
Every time Jane had looked over at Amy during dinner, she was telegraphing her regret at coming to this dinner. She was being very polite with Jane's whole family and even (especially?) Maura, but Jane was getting a non-verbal blast of shit every time their eyes met. And she deserved it. Jane took a deep breath and chanced another peak over at Amy, momentarily relieved that for once, she wasn't glaring daggers back at her. Instead, she was looking studiously at Maura.
Jane frowned. Amy's eyes were slightly narrowed, but not in anger, rather as thought she was trying to read something from a great distance. Jane followed the line of her gaze. Amy was…staring very hard at Maura's neck. Jane blinked, and looked at Maura's neck as well. For the briefest moment she was confused, but then comprehension washed over her like a cold wave. Amy was looking at Maura's scar. The thin white line, nearly invisible against Maura's pale complexion. That same scar which, repeated twice on Jane's neck, was much more stark on her own Mediterranean skin. Jane raised her gaze up from the scar and looked at Maura.
Maura, feeling two sets of eyes on her, suddenly looked up from her plate. She noticed Jane first, meeting her gaze and knitting her brows. Then she noticed Amy staring at her neck like she was putting together a puzzle. Jane could see that her reaction was almost identical to her own. Jane watched as confusion flashed across Maura's face before she suddenly burned red with realization. She darted a hand up to her neck, touching the scar with the tips of her fingers. This broke Amy's trance, who whipped around to look at Jane.
Jane swallowed hard.
For Jane, the hardest part about dating had been explaining her scars. She often didn't. This usually worked to her advantage because it was more mysterious to not say where she got them, and mysterious was sexy. The actual story of each of her scars was the furthest thing from that. Blissfully, some of her encounters had been so brief that there was no time to notice the raised-relief map of traumas across her body, though it seemed like that should be impossible, given there were so many.
It was different with Amy. Amy's brother was a cop, so she knew. She knew about Hoyt. She knew about Bobby Marino. And she knew not to ask. Amy had never pressed for further details and she had neither focused on Jane's scars nor avoided them. They were just part of Jane's body. It had been nice.
Unfortunately for right then, all of that also meant Amy knew the nitty gritty details of the Charles Hoyt case. Her brother had still been on in the BPD when Jane was attacked by Hoyt the first and second time. She knew Jane's neck scars were from Charles Hoyt, and she knew Charles Hoyt targeted couples.
And now she knew Maura had a matching scar.
Maura had a matching scar.
Something finally broke inside Jane's mind. Some single razor wire somehow holding back an avalanche of feelings succumbed to the tension. Jane's vision tunnelled, but she could still see that Amy was about to say something to her. Jane bolted from her seat.
"Gotta…Bathroom," Jane said in a strangled voice, before removing herself from the situation as quickly as she could. She bolted down the hall and into the guest bath, locking the door behind herself. With a hand on either side of the sink, she stared down into the basin, her breaths coming quick and short. Jane wasn't sure if she was about to hurl or if she was having a panic attack. 'Both' was certainly on the table, too.
Jane attempted a calming breath, and looked up at herself in the mirror over the vanity. She lifted her chin and angled her head, eyes roaming over the two whisper thin lines just below where her jaw becomes her neck. Her jaw clenched, and her hands followed soon after, the tip of her index and ring finger pressing into the scars on her palms.
Summer was always easier. The warm weather meant greater dexterity and less pain for Jane's hands, and she didn't think about her hands or Hoyt nearly as often. But autumn was approaching. Chilly, wet weather was right on its heels, which would bring stiffness, pain, and memories. And then the bone-deep cold of winter. Jane hated it.
Hoyt had trapped her. He had laid a trap for her and Maura. Hoyt, who targeted couples. Hoyt, for whom Jane was initially an exception to his rule. Hoyt, for whom she ended up fitting his exact modus operandi. As he had done with marriages, he'd seized upon Jane and the most important person in her life. He had been planning to torture Maura, almost certainly assault her, while Jane watched. Just as he'd done for the husbands.
Jane was the husband.
Jane loved Maura so much, apparently broadcasted it so blatantly that even in their limited interactions, Hoyt had seen it, and he had exploited it, and he had planned to kill Jane only after destroying what mattered most to her. Jane felt her knees give out, and she sank to the floor.
She'd been so stupid. It had always been so obvious.
A soft knock on the door caused Jane to scramble to her feet. She stayed silent, as if there was any question as to her location, like it could be anyone else who had locked themselves in the bathroom.
"Jane, it's me."
Maura.
Jane didn't respond. She could hear the sound of Maura shifting nervously on the other side of the door before her friend continued.
"I'm going to go. I…think I might be ruining something for you."
The door flew open. Jane grabbed Maura, pulling her into the bathroom and shutting the door behind them. She pressed the shorter woman against the back of the door, and stared at her. Jane knew she probably looked deranged, she could tell from the way Maura's eyes widened and her breath got caught in her throat. But she couldn't stop herself. She leaned forward, looking Maura dead in the eyes.
"Jane," Maura exhaled. Jane cut her off before she could say anything else.
"Do you ever think about how insane it is? That Hoyt tried to kill us, just how he always killed people, and we just…went back to regular life?"
"Jane, what—"
"He was going to kill us. Worse. He was going to…but he didn't. I stopped him. But he chose you. You weren't there by accident. And did we talk about it? What it meant? How it felt?" Her grip on Maura's shoulders tightened. "I think back to it, trying to recall, and I just remember suddenly my mother was trying to meet Bill O'Reilly and it was somehow all behind us and did we ever talk about it? Did we talk about what it meant, Maura?"
Jane was rambling, and Maura was speechless, her eyes wide and wet. Whatever the doctor was expecting to happen when she decided to follow her friend to the bathroom, Jane could tell it wasn't anything like this. Jane realized she was acting completely crazy. Possibly even scary. Jane's heart was pounding. She felt like she was radiating. The moment seemed to drag on forever before the doctor found her voice.
"We didn't," Maura confirmed quietly, then reiterated. "We never talked about it." She was searching Jane's face, trying to figure out just what exactly was happening. "You don't really…do talking, that well."
Jane's face was so close to Maura's. Closing the distance would have been nothing. It would have been everything. Jane was teetering on the precipice. This really had to be the worst possible moment to do this. Jane wet her lips.
"Maura, I—"
Maura gasped as the door, which Jane had failed to lock after pulling Maura into the bathroom with her, opened behind her. The doctor had been pressed up tight against it, and she would have pitched backwards out of the room if not for Jane's strong grip on her shoulders. Jane settled Maura on her feet and then they both found themselves looking at Amy.
Maura was blushing, and she averted her eyes from both of them and cleared her throat. "Like I said, Jane. I'm going to go." Jane, very suddenly coming down off the adrenaline rush of her near-manic episode, did not put up a fight. Maura left the hallway wordlessly, and Jane heard the front door open and close soon after.
Jane did not watch her leave, but she closed her eyes when the door clicked shut.
"So, we need to talk." Amy crossed her arms as Jane opened her eyes again. She stared at Jane, who withered guiltily under her gaze, but managed not to look away. "Give me your keys so I can wait in the car. Please explain to your mother and brothers why I wasn't able to say goodbye, and please make it very clear that it's your fault."
Jane wordlessly fished her keys out of her pocket and handed them over. She watched Amy walk to the door, and realized there was a non-zero chance that her car wouldn't be out there when she got outside.
Jane returned to the main room quickly, to the telltale scattering of eavesdroppers. Angela was suddenly loudly throwing around tupperware containers, while Frankie and Tommy were pretending to be engrossed with the Sunday Night Football pre-game.
"They are, uh, both gone. I am going to leave…also." Jane then recalled Amy's request. "Um, it is my fault that they both left." This was a terrible explanation. Her family remained surprisingly quiet, and Jane started to inch towards the door without turning around, like they were all jungle cats she was afraid to turn her back on.
"Don't fuck this up, Janie," said Frankie quietly, not looking away from the game. Tommy cast a pointed glance over his shoulder at Jane.
"Frankie, with the swearing?" Angela glared at the back of his head, before turning to Jane. She pursed her lips and gave Jane a disapproving look. "He's right, though. You just got her back. Don't lose her again. And you be kind to that Amy, too."
Jane stared at them all, not quite sure how this was her life. Her Italian Catholic family saying in not so many words that they wanted her to be with her female best friend, and let another girl down easy. She sighed.
"Yeah."
Jane exited out the guesthouse and relief washing over her when the car was still there. She slipped into the driver's side and collapsed into the seat without looking over at Amy.
"I'm s—"
"Jesus, Jane. Not here. In her driveway? Are you kidding me? Drive me home." She rolled her eyes as she tossed the car keys at Jane. "And no talking until we get there either."
Jane fumbled the keys on the catch, but soon had the car started and pulled out of the driveway. As commanded, she stayed silent the entire car ride, only sneaking the occasional glance over. Amy's posture was rigid at the start of the drive, but she relaxed as the car got closer to her apartment. Jane worried her lower lip, and almost found herself hoping to get a real blast of shit. She deserved it. Maybe it would assuage her guilt if Amy was rightfully furious. As soon as she pulled into a parking spot in front of Amy's apartment building, Amy spoke.
"I'm going to ask you this for the last time, Jane. And before you respond, please keep in mind that I know the answer. Are you in love with Maura?"
"…Yes." Jane shifted uncomfortably. Amy mostly looked relieved.
"Okay. Good start. When did you realize that?"
Jane considered it carefully. "It was a couple weeks after the night at the bar." She considered stopping there, but felt compelled to give Amy the full story. "I hadn't really seen her at all for a few weeks, and we were both called to a crime scene, and it hit me like a ton of bricks."
Her mouth felt dry. She looked over at Amy, who was watching her, expression even.
"I wasn't sure it was love. Or…maybe I was, but not the extent of it. I really genuinely put it out of my mind for a while, when she and I were still fighting. It was pretty easy when we weren't getting along or even really talking." Jane sighed, and rubbed the back of her neck. "You want me to keep going?"
"Mmhmm."
"Okay." Jane cleared her throat. "Well, the past two weeks or so we've made up, and it's gotten really hard. But I swear, all I was only trying to do was fix our friendship. I wasn't… But tonight in the bathroom I think it really hit me. Thinking about Hoyt. What it means that he went after her. What it took to save us. I love her so much." Jane's voice cracked, and she felt tears prick her eyes.
"Ugh, okay. Settle down. And why?"
"Why what?" Jane blinked.
"Why were you just trying to fix your friendship?" Amy's voice was all of a sudden surprisingly soft. Jane couldn't understand why she was being so gentle, and it burned her how much she didn't feel like she deserved it. The Catholic part of her was screaming to be punished. Amy continued, "Why, if you love her so much, were you just trying to bury it a friendship?"
"Oh." Jane was a bit taken aback. Wasn't it obvious? "Because she's straight."
Amy laughed, though more like she was shocked than she found anything funny.
"No she isn't."
"What?" Jane whipped her head around to look at Amy, who was looking back at Jane with an equally perplexed look.
"Maura's not straight. I mean…" Amy shrugged. "I don't have firsthand knowledge or anything. But there's no way, Jane. I know the gaydar can take a while to get going, but do you really not see it?" Amy tilted her head questioningly.
Jane shook her head, outright rejecting this perspective. "You don't understand. She would have told me. She tells me way too much about her sex life as it is, there's no way something like that gets held back. I would have known already."
"If you say so, Jane, but I'm almost never wrong. I mean…that coy bullshit in her garden, the way you two vibe, how your family loves her, her chasing you to the bathroom… Wait, what did happen in the bathroom?"
Jane did not want to talk about Maura's sexuality anymore, or her perfect fit in her family, and she definitely didn't want to talk about the bathroom. She turned to Amy, stared at her, searched her face.
"Why are you being so nice to me? I was a jackass to keep this from you. You told me, that first night, and I denied it. Then I realized you were right and I kept it to myself and I convinced you to date me."
"No, you didn't."
"What?"
"You never convinced me to date you," Amy said breezily. "I was not convinced. I came to family dinner because I wanted to confirm my suspicions and I always liked your mother, but I promise you, I hadn't fallen for it, Jane. I hadn't fallen for you." Amy slide further up the hood of the car, and leaned back against the windshield. "As for why I'm being so nice to you, I am…sympathetic to your plight. I've been there. I was a bit of a mess. Years ago, to be clear. In my early twenties, when it was age-appropriate behaviour." She shot Jane a pointed look. "But it happened to me. Coming out, being in love with a person I was certain was unattainable."
"What happened?" Jane shifted back on the hood as well.
"I made a move, and she rejected me."
"And it went away?"
"Eventually," Amy shrugged.
Jane considered all the people they both knew in their early twenties. "Who was it?"
"Oh my god," Amy said, and the utter disbelief was clear. She sat up on and looked Jane dead in the eyes. "Are you really the youngest person to make detective in BPD history? You? Honestly, I'm really not sure they made the right call."
Jane looked offended. Amy threw her hands up in frustration.
"It was you, Jane. You idiot." Jane choked audibly at the admission, and began coughing. Amy rolled her eyes. "Dear god, relax. Like I said, it went away. I'm not in love with you, Jane Rizzoli. Haven't been for a long, long time, please calm down."
Jane took a sharp breath. "I'm sorry. For back then. I wasn't ready."
"Yeah, you made that abundantly clear when you were making out with the nearest man not forty-five minutes later." Jane winced while Amy chuckled. "Don't worry about it, Jane. But that's why I'm being nice to you. I promise I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad, but you ripped through my early twenties like a tornado, and I turned you breaking my heart into me breaking quite a few. So I'm just trying to make up for that by talking some sense into you, maybe I save a few hearts in the here and now."
Jane was sure she looked tormented, because Amy was giving her an exasperated look.
"I gotta say, sure feels like I'm doing a lot of comforting when you were the douchebag."
"Why did you sleep with me, if I did all that to you?" Jane couldn't help but ask.
"Oh, that's easy," Amy said. "Because you're hot, Jane. And besides, how many people get to seduce their white whale so many years after the fact?" She smirked, and Jane felt the first bit of relief of the evening. The idea that she might have been used, too, was welcome. Amy continued more seriously."You have to tell her, Jane. I know what you think, but it doesn't matter. Whatever she says, you have to get it off your chest. This kind of love doesn't just go away." Amy sighed. "Unfortunately, I do think this is actually going to end really beautifully for you, and I'm pretty annoyed about it."
Jane laughed, but her heart started to race with nerves. "I hope you're right." She took a deep breath. "I will. I will tell her. Soon."
"Good," Amy said, as she slid off the hood of the car. She smiled at Jane and nodded her head up to her building, winking slyly. "One more time for the road?"
"What?" Jane had begun shifting her weight to get off the hood and almost fell off the car entirely at the proposition.
"I'm kidding! But I'm a little offended you thought I was serious. You really ought to get out of here before I start to regret being so nice to you."
"You could have made me grovel tonight. I would have." Jane moved back around to the driver's side of the car, looking gratefully across the roof of the car at Amy.
"I should have. I'll see you around, Rizzoli."
Amy disappeared into the entrance of her building as Jane slid back behind the wheel of her car. She sucked in a deep breath and took as long as she possibly could to let it back out. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel before putting the car in drive and pulling out. She had been so close to blurting out the truth to Maura in the bathroom, although she was glad she hadn't. She considered driving back to Maura's. If she did, she would have to tell her. After putting on a production like that in the bathroom there would be no choice but to talk about it.
Jane sighed uncertainly. Not tonight.
She drove home instead, watched the Patriots lose to the Ravens on a last second field goal, and went to bed.
