Macho
"Crud, this sucks!" Wallabee Beetles cursed as he laid down on his bed, his real bed. He couldn't muster to show his face at the treehouse after dealing with the embarrassment he had to endure on Bully Island. Although, he trusted his best friend Hoagie would keep things a secret, horrible puns aside.
Say what you will about bullies. They were big, they were ugly, and they were smelly and no one would sure as hell miss them if they ever went extinct BUT the Wedgiesaurus sure knew how to pack a wedgie.
He couldn't even sit or lay comfortably on his bed anymore. He constantly shifted towards different sides, hoping that he could find a spot, but it was futile.
He really couldn't let the others see him like that. No, he was done being weak. That was a thing of the past.
Wally and Hoagie unfortunately had to debrief back at the KND Moonbase. It was inevitable. After all, Bully Island was sitting without an owner right now. Soopreme Leader, Numbuh 362, Rachel McKenzie, assured him that it would be handled with utmost confidentiality. Wally confused her sincerity for pity. 'Cruddy Sheila, what does she know? She's probably laughing behind my back, too!'
He kept turning, trying to find a way to sleep. Only it never came. He looked at the window; it had a view of their pool now clogged with sand.
Wally essentially had it all figured out. In a week or two, he would come back to the treehouse as if nothing had ever happened. No one would be the wiser! Sometimes my own geniusery scares me!
And so he toughened it out like he always had. Weakness should never ever be exposed, so he laid in his own pain and misery, all alone. Because that's what being macho was all about.
Or so he had thought.
The front door of the Beetles residence opened. An all too familiar happy girl stood there, waving her overly green long sleeves enthusiastically.
"Well, well, if it isn't Wallace's good friend, Kuki Sanban!"
"Hey, Mr. Beetles!" Kuki had a beaming smile. "Can Wally come out and play!?"
He scratched his chin. His eyes were flaring red from the lack of sleep and yet he still mustered a smile. "I'm sorry, Kuki! But I'm afraid that Wallabee has been under the weather lately."
Immediately her eyes were watery. "What's wrong? Is he okay?"
Mr. Beetles only sighed. "I tried asking my son but he wouldn't say. I was praying you'd know."
She merely shook her head, much to his father's disappointment. That's why he tried to join a seminar on how to be a better father in the first place. He wanted to understand Wally, but trying to juggle it with two jobs was impossible.
"Do you think maybe I can see him?" It looked like she was on the verge of tears.
"Of course, of course! Come in, make yourself at home!" Maybe she'd have better luck with him. He knew his son crushed on the girl and he'd never get tired of bringing that topic up at the diner table.
"Thank you, la-la-la-la-la-la-la!" Kuki made her up way the stairs, already knowing the house layout off by heart.
Mr. Beetles took a quick drink of his coffee. And with that, it was time for work. Nothing was cheap nowadays.
Kuki skipped towards a door with a CEEP OOT sign. There was no mistaking this room. It was from the same kid who wanted to spell "Mississippi" without any S's.
To her relief, the door was unlocked. She was certain she'd get an earful from the Aussie. However, the only thing that mattered now was her bestest best friend's well being.
"Wally..." His room was a mess just like his ring room at the treehouse. Everything was laid out on the floor. From pot and pans—either he was trying to cook something or he was using it for music—to Mrs. Thompson's homework that was strewn about. Even at her feet, Kuki could tell the answers were painfully inaccurate.
"Wally..." She called him again. She could see his small frame bundled up on the bed, shaking.
"Kuki." He sat up in a quick fashion but jolted in pain. Those wedgies still hurt.
"Is everything okay? You haven't visited the treehouse the last couple of days. I was getting worried..."
Wally's hair looked like a mess. He was still in his orange onesies pajamas late in the afternoon. He was in excruciating pain.
"Yeah! Absolutely! No problemo here! Hehe! I just kicked way too much bully butt! Just tired, that's all!" Wally deflected any of his insecurities through his bravado. Usually it worked.
Not this time.
"Really? You look like you're in a lot of pain." She walked closer to have a better look. Wally turned towards the opposite side Kuki was facing.
"It's nothing! Bullies got in a punch or two but it's nothing, really," he repeated. "Just need to heal up! I'll be better than new."
Kuki sat on the bed, giving him a worried glance. "Then let yourself get better with a help of a friend, silly. You know I'm Sector V's nursey nurse!"
She touched his shoulder, which made him snap. "I told you, I am fine! Leave me the crud alone!"
'Here comes the waterworks,' he thought. This was the part where she burst out in tears over him raising his voice. It was nasty but a necessarily evil; he had to maintain his machoism.
Only she never cried. How greatly he had underestimated her.
Instead, she scowled at him. "And I can clearly see you're not fine, mister! Stop playing meanie and tell me!"
He said nothing.
The fire in her usual soft eyes grew. "I said, tell me!"
Although he wouldn't be saying it anytime soon, especially if a girl had that effect on him, Kuki Sanban scared the living shit out of him!
"Wedgiesaurus Rex!"
"Is that the one with the big teeth?"
"No, you're confusing it for the Wet Willy Mammoth."
"Whatever, all bullies look the same!" Kuki frowned. "Why didn't you just say you have a wedgie injury, silly? You didn't have to suffer alone!"
"Well, one, because it's kind of personal, and 40, it's not that bad, and 17, it's my hiney!"
She simply crossed her long-sleeved arms. "And? I treated a lot of hineys during my initiation as a Kids Next Door Nurse, Numbuh 4! Many of them were wedgies you gave!"
It was all coming full circle as she giggled. He simply groaned. He didn't think his past actions would come back to haunt him.
"Listen, I'll prepare a hot herbal bubble bath for you! Then you'll be as good as new!" She gave him a quick smile but quickly withdrew to a serious demeanor. "Besides, you stink, Mister!"
Kuki felt like she finally had payback for his commentary when Bradley was in the hospital. Joke's on him.
Realizing his predicament, Wally finally accepted. His need to feel better overcame his sense of vanity, but it was going to be on his terms.
He rubbed his lower back. "Fine, but no more talking about my hiney. It's making me uncomfortable."
Wasting not even a second, Kuki prepared a steaming hot bubble bath, throwing a few leaves in the tub as the clear water turned green. It had a strong aroma.
"Okay, Mister tushy! Your bath is ready!"
Wally was standing by the door, with barely enough energy to stand but just enough to protest Kuki's choice of words. "Oi, you promised no more talking about my butt!"
She placed her hands on her hips. "Well, I don't remember promising anything, Mr. Grumpy Pants! Now go take a bath and shout if you need me, okay?"
Kuki playfully ruffled his already messy hair before taking her leave. He merely mumbled and acted as if she were a hindrance.
That bath did look tempting, as if it were beckoning all his sore muscles.
Wally eventually returned to his usual self. Kuki could overhear his catchy tune "Buried in the Sand" but then simply singing, "Taking a Bath" now. Kuki smiled. It looked like her job was done.
Until she caught a glimpse of something in his room. Close by his window was a colorful drawing, but not just any ordinary drawing. It was really well done. One could tell there was a lot of effort even with all his learning difficulties. Kuki approached the picture.
She blinked in disbelief. "Is that...me? That's SO cute!"
Under a bright sun, Kuki Sanban stood with her smile and green jersey. Honestly, she didn't expect such artistry from Wally, but she loved it. The colors were so warm and vibrant. He did a better job capturing her true nature, unlike Mushi who only scribbled "Kuki" with her red crayon. Her younger sister told her mother it was ketchup.
Regardless, Kuki found her cheeks reddening. This was one of the sweetest things he had ever done besides giving those fries on Christmas. But why would he draw someone like her? Unless...
Wally felt like a new person after the bath. It's almost as if he never had to endure the classic wedgie, the reverse wedgie, around-the-world wedgie, the yo-yo wedgie, the wedgie on the beach, the Texas wedgie, the Reggie wedgie, or even the flying wedgie. Okay, he was lying on the last part. He could still feel the afterburn on the latter.
He decided to get dressed in his normal clothes: his orange hoodie and baggy blue pants. It was time for some normalcy to return in his life.
To his surprise, he couldn't find Kuki anywhere. He assumed she probably went home since he was forever in the bath. That was until he heard a very distinct noise coming from the living room. Kuki started to hum along with the familiar theme song.
Usually, he'd be furious that she even tuned to those rainbow dorkies to begin with, but she did help him out. She was sitting on the sofa with her head swaying left and right, indulging in buttered popcorn, complements of Mrs. Beetles.
Her interest switched to him, "Oh, hi, Wally! Feeling any better!?"
He stood beside the couch, his forearms and head resting on the armchair of the sofa. "I'm all right."
"That's great!" She took the remote and turned to a far more suitable channel for Wally. It involved strong men lifting heavy items.
"What are you doing?" He looked at her with fatigued eyes.
"Umm...changing to your manly men throwing stuff? Don't you like it?" She gave him an uncertain look.
"I mean, I do but you were watching first so..." Kuki was in shock. Wallabee Beetles, the same boy who said she needed something heavy dropped on her, just because she dared to take the remote, had said that?
"Okay!" She thought nothing less as she switched back to her Rainbow Monkeys. Whatever meant spreading more rainbow love.
Wally sat next to her, only blankly staring at the television screen. It was getting darker as nighttime grew closer.
"You probably think I deserved it."
She nearly choked on her popcorn. "Of course not!"
"No, no, no, I've been doing this a long time! It only makes sense for Karma to come and finally whoop my butt!"
Kuki cleared her throat. "Listen. Do I think you need some training in sensitivity? Maybe. But I don't think you deserved any of it, Wally. You're my friend! I only wish you can empathize more!"
"Empa-what?!" There she goes again, confusing him with her big words.
"Because if you feel awful, imagine how Jerry must feel. He has a permanent wedgie, for crying out loud!"
He crossed his arms. "Jerry deserved it!"
"What? What did he do that was so terrible, Wally?"
It hit him harder than any basketball during dodgeball could. Jerry didn't do anything inherently bad in Grade 1. He was just...happy. It made him so livid that when he saw him close to the seesaw, instinct kicked in.
Some like Kuki would call it bullying; he preferred referring it to it as survival of the fittest. In a way, those bullies Nigel Uno saved him from taught him a valuable lesson. Be on top of the food chain and no one will mess with you.
And it worked for him, for the most part. That was until he was in a spider diagram in his own underpants.
"You see, Wally? You hurt him. He hurts you. It's like an endless cycle that won't stop!"
"Even if that's the case, even if I'm the wrong one. It's not like I can apologize and make it all go away!"
Kuki scooted closer to Wally. "Maybe, but you won't know unless you try. Like the Rainbow Monkeys says, love not hate!"
Using something that Wally absolutely detested as an example may not have been ideal, but with how mesmerizing her eyes were, how could he not accept it?
He simply sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll go to the KND Arctic Prison Base tomorrow. I can't promise anything but I'll try!"
For Kuki, it was a start.
"Oh, Wally! I'm so proud of you!" Next thing he knew, Kuki threw her long sleeves around his neck and pulled him into a bear-crushing hug, ignoring his injuries.
Usually, he'd shove her off, but the warmth the hug gave was too inviting. Wally couldn't help but hug back, and with an equally strong hug as well, given his own freakish strength. Kuki was so happy she barely felt the crushing. Instead, it felt like he was showing the same side as when he made that drawing.
They looked at each other, refusing to let go. Both were blushing.
A thought crossed Wally's mind as he looked into her eyes. It may not have been the most romantic of locations, however, he might not get another time again soon.
"Kuki...there's something I've been meaning to tell you."
Her eyes were glimmering. "Yes, Wally?"
Kuki's overeagerness made his heart feel like it was going to jump out of his chest. He felt his cheeks burning up more. His tongue was tied.
"I-I-I-I-"
Before he could finish, Kuki pressed her lips against Wally's mouth. He sat there in shock as his small brain tried to process what had just happened. The girl of his dreams was kissing him!
He started to reciprocate her feelings by kissing her back. He pulled her closer in the embrace. Wally remembered he practiced often with a pillow and embarrassingly enough had such sessions interrupted by the very same girl.
This was the happiest moment in his life. It completely made up for the string of bad luck he had recently. His hand went up to her jet-black hair, feeling the silky smoothness. Kuki's hand strongly gripped a lock of his blonde hair. She deepened the kiss. Nothing could ruin this moment.
That was until Mrs. Beetles stormed into the living room; a bowl in her hands. "Wallabee, I've made some more buttered popcorn for you and your friend!"
While lip-locked, their eyes widened in shock.
The mom blushed behind all the freckles. "Oh, my stars in heaven! Forgive me for interrupting!"
Wally broke the kiss, but Kuki's arms remained around his neck. "Wait, Mom, I can explain!"
She placed the popcorn by the table, quickly excusing herself. "Now, now my dear, you don't have to explain. You're in love!"
Kuki smiled, turning as red as Abby's hat while Wally continued to hug her and explain to his mom their predicament. "We were just looking for quarters underneath the seats!" He was only digging himself deeper into this mess.
Mrs. Beetles walked backwards, smiling sheepishly. "I need to...um...go change Joey's diaper. Yeah, that's right!"
She already had half an hour ago. She shut the door hard, apologizing profusely behind the door.
"Oh, crud." Now the entire city of Cleveland would know what happened by tomorrow morning. Gallagher Elementary was going to have a field day with this information.
His focus went back to Kuki who merely giggled. Throughout the entirety of the ordeal, they refused to let each other go.
"Sorry about that, Kuki!" If he was going to be the center of teasing then so was she. Kuki didn't mind, on the other hand.
"That was totally worth it!" She blushed.
"Yeah, you're totally worth the cootie shot, Kuki." He blushed too.
She merely raised an eyebrow. "You know they're not real, Mr. I Like Bugs."
Obviously, he was going to need to work on his compliments. "What I meant was...I...I...I am really not good at this."
"It's okay, silly. We have all the time in the world." She hugged him more tightly. For Kuki, what they had was even more valuable than the Rainbow Monkey Lisa.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Beetles was at the kitchen on her old dial up phone. She was so over the moon that she just had to let her hubby know. Mr. Beetles was working late hours for Mr. Boss so he'd appreciate any update.
"Honey, I hope you're sitting down because I have news, it finally happened!"
The Kids Next Door Arctic Prison was home for the extremely dangerous villains and the birth of new recruits.
Wally would know the former. It's where he assigned his own team of villains so they would defeat his own father in bowling. Long story short: the mission failed and he learned his lesson. His wrist still sounded like a cement mixer now because he had to polish that HUGE trophy.
As it just so happened, he was again here to make more amends.
Numbuh 60 accompanied Wally to the visiting booths of the prison. There was a big bulletproof sheet of iced glass between the guests and the villains. They had to use the phone to communicate.
Jerry was in handcuffs with his signature uncomfortable look on his face. It was an old injury he had. Even through all the discomfort, Wally could see the shock on the boy's face.
He sat on the opposite side. Both boys picked up their phones.
"Hey, Jerry."
"Well, well, well. Wallabee Beetles. To what do I owe the pleasure? Are you here to brag? To claim himself victor and go to the spoils? You win! You're the good guy, I'm the big bad! So revel in my pain while you still can."
He merely shook his head, unable to make eye contact. "No, it's nothing like that!"
Jerry looked puzzled. If not to gloat, what else would he want?
Wally continued. "I've-what I did to you in Grade 1 was despicable and cruel. I'll never forgive myself. You see, I was bullied too until Numbuh 1 saved me. He trained me to defend myself and instead of using that power for good, I made a poor judgment. It's no excuse for what I've done. I hurt people like you who did nothing. I became a matador and even hurt adults. I was scared of becoming a target again so I lashed out towards people who didn't deserve it and for that...I am so cruddy sorry!"
His voice was slightly breaking in the end. Wally's head hung in shame. "I know none of this will take back what I did..."
There was a moment of silence before he responded. "You're right, it won't."
And just like that, Jerry Rex stood up. Two heavily geared Kids Next Door agents armed with P.I.C.K.L.E.R. rifles escorted the boy back to his cell. However, he was willing to give him an A for his effort.
"But it's a start..."
Wally heard the cell gates opening and the bars closing. In a way, they both surprised one another, leaving each other with their afterthoughts.
He hung his phone and stood up, feeling relieved. Jerry was right; he still had a long way to go to make amends. However, he had already built the foundation to mending fences. A real man knew how to right his wrongs.
Kuki stood by the aircraft depot. At first sight, she hugged her short boyfriend who couldn't help but almost break down.
"So how did it go, Wally?!"
He looked up. "I still have a long way to go, Kuki, but with time I'm sure he'll forgive me."
She hugged him even tighter. "See? I told you it wasn't for nothing!"
Her chin rested on his bowl cut hair. "I'll be with you all the way, okay?"
His words were muffled against her green jersey. "I love you, Kuki."
Her eyes shot open. She combed his hair. Her initial shocked waned off quickly as she smiled. "I love you too, Wally."
They made their way towards the C.O.O.L.B.U.S. The sliding doors opened. Hoagie sat on the driver's seat with a huge grin.
"So where will it be, love birds? Do you want to go to the Romantic Burger next? Wait, I know of a sweet spot in Jamaica!"The pilot laughed at his own joke. Looks like news travelled fast.
"Just step on it, Numbuh 2!" Kuki frowned. She grabbed her boyfriend's hand, marching into the bus.
"All right! Geez, you two are no fun!" He flipped a few switches and pressed buttons as the school bus levitated off the ground.
"But if you really want, we can take a detour over there. I'll tell the waiter you said no pickles," she teased him.
Wally smiled towards Kuki, and then his eyes turned to the C.O.O.L.B.U.S. window, the blue clear ice sky clearing his head.
With the help of Kuki, Hoagie, Nigel, and Abby he could take it one step at a time. Rome wasn't built in one day, after all.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I enjoyed delving deep into Wally's psyche and the long-term effect bullying has on people. Perhaps too morbid for a kids show, but I hope you found some enjoyment with it. I am almost done watching this series and it is amazing. I can't believe I have missed out on it when I was a kid! Many more stories to come so stay tuned.
Special thanks to the J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i for Beta reading my story!
Aidan.
