Chapter 4 - There's my girl
"We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it."
- Grey's Anatomy
After Voight left, Lindsay needed a drink and sat on the couch reflecting, she took one last look at her daughter's room before going to bed for the night.
- Come on, baby... what do you have? - It was 4 o'clock in the morning when the child woke up, she was restless and crying. Erin loved being a mother, but at times like this she didn't know if she was doing a good job.
Two hours went by without her daughter calming down, she needed to go to work, but the girl didn't let go for a second and when she left her daughter at daycare she officially felt the worst of all, the intern took her daughter screaming and crying from the Lindsay's arms, she wanted to ask for time off, she wanted to understand what was wrong with her daughter, she didn't have a fever or any signs of illness and Erin didn't take her to work with her as she has done several times before for various reasons. , the case was heavy and for sure her daughter wouldn't accept the office so she would want to be held and Lindsay didn't want her to hear the case, she was only 3 years old but Erin knew that even though she didn't understand things perfectly these matters they weren't for little ears, the case would consume her, besides, Halstead was there, they still hadn't talked, but Lindsay wanted to take some time before letting him and the rest of the Chicago team meet her little one. She asked that if in a few hours she wouldn't stop crying or if something happened, for them not to hesitate to call. Tess, Nick and Marshall were listed as an emergency just in case.
- Wow, Linds you're finished! - Nick enters with Tess, Jay watches from afar. He noticed the same, Lindsay had a cup of coffee, which he didn't know was already the third in the morning, under her eyes were huge bags that not even makeup was able to completely cover and she was physically tired. She was visible.
- How are you? - Hailey asks, she didn't see Jay after the night before when he went for a walk.
-Well..- He looks away from Erin and looks at Hailey that she's not convinced. - I'm serious. - An obvious lie. - Did you see that? - He picks up a document showing some marks on the children's photos changing the subject and getting into the child hunter case. With that he doesn't notice the conversation between Lindsay and the agents.
- I don't know, I looked for fever, if it was a stomachache, some teeth coming in, but we went to the dentist a few months ago and she told me that everyone had already been born. She didn't say anything to me, she cried for everything and when I left her at daycare it was horrible it was worse than when I left her at...
- We have a lead! - Marvin calls. - This man walked into this convenience store and he has candy and some toys. - He shows some pictures.
- Did you get a picture of his face? - Upton asks.
- No, he didn't look at the camera once, with the hood and mask it's hard to identify.
- Tess and Nick go to the store, ask if we have other cameras or if the salesperson has something for us. - Lindsay asks. They nod and leave as Marvin continues.
After all the information they go back to work. Olivia wasn't present, as she needed to be in his office on another case.
- Hey girl, I'm coming back, I'll leave Halstead and Upton to help with whatever you need. - Voight informs.
- Thank you.. for everything, for helping, for leaving help and for yesterday. - She smiles affectionately.
- I failed not to contact you all these years, but I will not fail again. Let's not lose contact this time, I want to be in your life and your daughter's. - Erin nods, Voight kisses her forehead and she runs her hand over his arm gently. After quickly saying goodbye to everyone he leaves.
The case continues, Rollins left with Upton and Kelson for another lead, agents Pierce and Tucker discovered that the suspicious man had a stolen car that was abandoned, they went to where the car was being dispatched to see if they could find anything.
- Hey... - Lindsay looks to where she was called, it was Halstead, she sees him approaching and she swallows hard. - Look at this... - He holds out a sheet of paper. - I was looking for a connection between the children here, they studied at the same school, different grades, but still the same school, I looked at the ones from Chicago, they were not because their ages were very distant, but I don't know maybe he observed these children at school? - He asks.
- Let's find out, we need to go to school. - He nods. She was going to ask someone to go with him, but she wanted to be a part of it, and besides, they needed to start talking.
Her initial thought was an idiotic idea, because when they got to the car the silence was awkward. She didn't want to talk, in fact she didn't even know what to say. Jay was being professional, even awkward and a little angry... going out to clear his mind helped, he lessened his anger and he didn't want to go all the way like that, he wanted to talk to her about things at the same time as he wanted this affair to end and his life not to be affected by this unexpected reunion, he was lost and didn't know what to do. Being in the confines of an escalade even if it was a big roomy car was suffocating. Lindsay driving, them going to an interview, it was absurdly awkward and they didn't even know what to feel. It brought back a thousand memories. Can they swear it's the most confused feeling they've ever felt, anger, fear, nervousness, guilt, excitement? There are so many that they don't know which one to choose.
- Special Agent Responsible Supervisor, Lieutenant. - That's what he decides to say after 17 minutes of silence in the car of a 36-minute drive. - I think Voight felt a little jealous. - He was mad at her to be honest, she seemed happy, moved on, it doesn't seem like it was hard to get over her whole life in Chicago, she was moving on while he was going down a spiral, but at the same time he was happy and proud her, he always wanted the best for her. He wanted to talk about the past, he had questions, but he wasn't ready, not yet and even if he was he wouldn't broach the subject now, he was professional. He wasn't being fake or forcing, his shy smile was real and he wanted them to at least be cordial at work before they went back to their separate lives and in different cities and states. She returns the shy smile, she appreciates not having screams, curses, questions she doesn't know if she's ready to answer or important issues that in 18 minutes would never be resolved.
- It's talking about Hank or you. - When those words come out she freezes, she didn't mean to be snobby or rude, it was just a joke but she felt they weren't there but he didn't seem to mind.
- What? Office work? Double paperwork? I run away from what I'm forced to do, I like the action. Being a Lieutenant doesn't seem to have much of that. - He teases.
- More than you imagine. - She says before they get to school. They get off at Eleanor Elementary School. They enter, show their badge and are immediately directed to the principal's office.
- Have you fired any employees recently? - She asks.
- No, we are actually hiring...
- Do you know if anyone has a criminal record or something? - Jay asks the man who runs the children's school.
- Not really, but they can hide you know... - He informs.
- Does anyone have access to all the series? To all classes? - Halstead observes the older man.
- Yes, it is a school with children of similar ages, we like them to know how to live together...
- I'll want a list of all your employees, the ones who were fired, hired and worked here a long time... - Lindsay asks. They talk more, ask more questions and director Micaelson fully collaborates with them.
- Please find who did this to our children. - He asks when Halstead thanks him and they turn to leave.
- We will, thanks again. - They leave school.
- I can't remember the last time someone was so cooperative with a case. - Jay says on the way back.
- Tell me what I don't know.. - She says softly. - I'm glad we don't need a whole process to get the list of employees. - She says, the director emailed it to Marvin.
As they were on their way back to headquarters, Lindsay's cell phone rings.
- Your men are fast. -He says smiling and she was about to do the same with a joke about, when she looks at the Forest Hills Nursery & Kindergarden panel, it's her daughter. She forgets everything and answers on the speakerphone of the car.
- MS. Lindsay... - The daycare doesn't receive many students during this time of covid, so it was easy to hear your daughter crying in the background.
- How is she? - Erin says already knowing the answer.
- We managed to calm her down temporarily, but then she started having a fever and threw up twice in less than 15 minutes, we don't know what it is, but we can't risk it with the other two kids that are with us. Halstead was confused at first, then lost in the subject and what was going on, then his curiosity got the better of him making him look at the dashboard. Nursery? Is she vomiting? Who is she? Why the hell was a daycare calling her? Other children at risk? It wasn't the case they were, he wasn't an idiot.
- I'm on my way. - The connection is terminated.
She doesn't take her eyes off the road, she doesn't look at Jay, it would be out of fear of his reaction to the situation that just happened, but she's so preoccupied with getting to her daughter that she doesn't think about it. Jay doesn't say anything either, he's lost in thought and if he did it wouldn't be answered, because Lindsay doesn't think about anything other than her daughter, she doesn't hear anything other than fever, vomiting and crying. She accelerated and Jay doesn't know if the place was close to where they were or she arrived fast because she accelerated, but she never got anywhere as fast as now and he worked 4 years with her. He doesn't have time to do anything when she stops the car, no parking, in fact she's at the curb at the daycare, she got out of the car so fast it wouldn't surprise Jay if she hadn't turned it off, but she did. She just left the door open as she entered the school environment. The way her car is parked would lead to a ticket or towing if it weren't for an FBI agent's car with a detective in the passenger's seat. Jay doesn't have time to think about anything, as how fast she got in, she got out, but this time his hand, nay, his arms weren't empty and Halstead's heart stopped at the sight of a weeping little human being in his arms. ex partner and ex girlfriend, he only noticed as she walks towards him that it was raining and she didn't have an umbrella.
- Can you take us to the hospital? Please? -Lindsay asks as she gets in the back of the car with her daughter.
Jay is unresponsive, he doesn't say anything, just jumps in the driver's side, closes the door and turns on the ignition. Lindsay puts her daughter's backpack next to her as she straightens it on her lap, she doesn't have a car seat so she has her daughter on her lap. Jay knows what he is, he's a detective and has always bragged about his intelligence, but hearing the words made it all more real and he was speechless. He threw the nearest hospital into the GPS and as he drove as fast, as carefully and as concentratedly as the three things could come together, he listened to her.
- Shhh my sweet little girl, it's going to be okay, mommy is here now. - The girl is whimpering, it's not scandalous because, she calmed down in her mother's arms, but it was still possible to hear the girl's grumbling and moans, but Jay heard it loud and clear mommy, that's what he heard, that's what she he said. Mommy, Erin Lindsay is Mom, her ex girlfriend, ex partner, ex friend was a mother. He passes it through his mind on the way to the hospital, she soothes her daughter with sweet words, endearing nicknames, as she caresses the face unknown to Halstead in the backseat, an angelic little face, wet with rain, sweat caused by fever and streaks of tears, with every caress and sweet word the girl soothed, she was still suffering when they arrived at the hospital, Halstead was quick and careful, Erin has to remember to thank her later. She gets out of the car with her daughter, Jay doesn't know what to do, but decides to lock the car and go into the hospital, he remembers something and goes back to get it.
- Ma'am, we know, we're going to get the child, but you can't enter without your mask. - A nurse informs. Lindsay was so desperate she forgot, she didn't walk into the day care with one and wasn't even in the mood for it, but luckily for her Halstead was and that's why he came back.
- On here. - He delivers and she is very, very grateful for it, she quickly sets to follow the nurse to an exam room, not knowing quite what to do Jay follows the three.
- You can put it here. - The woman says.
Jay stopped at the door, he wasn't invited or kicked out, but he's worried, the girl is calm now but visibly ill, if her condition wasn't bad enough, her throwing up on Lindsay as she tried to lay the girl on the gurney would be a indicative. Her fright at the action made her cry again, Erin wanted to hold and soothe her daughter, but she needed to be examined. Even with vomit on her shirt, she stayed there, one hand in her daughter's and the other as she stroked the little girl's forehead. It was difficult to calm her down.
Was fast. A doctor came in with a nurse in tow. They asked questions as the doctor examined the girl's sensitive abdomen. She was scared. One thing about the girl was that she was very shy and scared of new people. In fact, it was just the movement. Doctors approaching, touching her, talking and asking questions. She wasn't understanding anything, she was scared and in pain.
Jay, on the other hand, was again with mixed feelings. His attention and focus was fully on the scene in front of him. A doctor he thinks is the pediatrician, he can't say, as he's not paying attention to the conversation, not yet. There is a male nurse preparing some medications and the nurse who attended to them was next to the doctor who is examining the child. Jay watches Erin, her eyes are full, he knows she wants to cry but she's holding back. Her hands are on the child, the girl is looking at her mother completely scared.
- Hi, can you tell me your name? - The doctor starts, the girl looks at her, then at her mother without knowing what to do. - My name is Robin Smith. I will help you to improve ok? - Can you hold my little friend for me? - She asks taking a small teddy bear from her pocket. She smiles when the child picks it up. - His name is Teddy. - She smile. Did you like his name? - She is soft in her question, the child just nods shyly, stopping the crying. It's as she suspected, it wasn't crying out of pain, it was out of fear. The girl may even be feeling some, but she was more scared of things happening. - Look, this is my friend Miranda and that one is my friend Taylor. - She counts. - Can you tell me your name? - She tries once more, after looking at her mother and receiving a wave, she looks and shyly says to the doctor.
- Charlotte Lindsay. - She counts.
- That's a very beautiful name. - The doctor praises. - Can you tell me your age? - She asks again. With the hand that doesn't hold the bear, she shows three little fingers.
Jay stopped, he was frozen in place of her, while they were talking his mind flies and it is now that he watches the girl. It's hard to say much with his wet, red face and eyes, but he watches her anyway. Light eyes, he can't see much, but they are clear. Her long hair is dirty blonde. He remembers her pointing three fingers. Her heart races and the name Charlotte echoes in her mind. She's three years old, her name is Charlotte Lindsay, he doesn't know if she can say it and doesn't even think to say it, but it's impossible to stop her mind from what he's thinking. The girl's cry snaps him out of his terrifying thoughts.
- OK mother. Do you know what she ate in the last 24 hours? - The doctor asks several questions. Lindsay answers them all and Jay observes and this time listens carefully to every detail. If that's what he's thinking, he wants to know absolutely everything about the girl. He wants to hear every word he can, pay attention in every detail of the girl. He's focused and only loses focus when her and Lindsay's cell phones fill the room and this is the first time she's spoken to him since she asked to be taken to the hospital.
- It's the team, can you talk to them? - His anger has increased considerably, but there's not much to do, it's not worth fighting now and the FBI needs to know and be warned. He doesn't say, because he doesn't trust his voice now. He just nods, missing her silent thanks. He answers as he walks down the depressing hallway.
- Halstead. - He says, it was Hailey on the call.
- Where are you? - She asks casually.
- Uh... yeah... I'm in the hospital...
- Are you okay? - She says and he hears a concern grow.
- Yes yes. - He reassures her. - Something happened and...
- What's it? - She asks more relieved, but he still feels the concern.
- I'll explain when I get back. - He counts. - I just need you to tell them that Lindsay needed to make a personal stop. - He says awkwardly, he doesn't want to tell this over the phone.
- Jay, are you all right? - She insists.
- I really do not know. - He says and his voice shakes. - I... I just need to find this out. - He says as firmly as he can, he takes a deep breath. - I need to hang up, don't forget to let me know. - He asks and without waiting for answers hangs up. He knows that if he didn't, his girlfriend would fill him with questions that he doesn't know how to answer and doesn't even want to think about.
He hangs up and turns to the room he left, but before he starts walking he sees Lindsay leaving the room. She doesn't notice him, she stands at the door. He watches her, she takes a deep breath, her hand goes to her forehead and he sees that she's trying to control herself not to cry. He watches the nurse leave the room and she puts on her best sympathetic face, smiles at him as he tells her something and when he leaves, Jay approaches her. Nothing too close.
- How is she? - He asks.
- They took her to do some tests. - She says, even angry, scared and disturbed he can still say.
- How are you? - He asks, it's stupid, but he doesn't know what to say. And that's when he sees the tear fall.
- She was in trouble this morning. She was sticky and she didn't want to let go. I didn't know what she had and sent her to daycare anyway. She was desperate and I forced her to go I saw her cry and beg for me and I left her when she needed and she went through so much I should have known but I let my daughter go to daycare sick...
- Hey Hey. - Jay cuts it. - You didn't know okay? It's not your fault. - When he saw you the day before, did he have questions, now? He has triple, but seeing her suffer over his daughter makes him put it all aside, at least for now.
- Yeah, I've been through it other times. She woke up at four in the morning. And now I've put her through all this she's so scared. All those doctors surrounding her and she was confused and in pain. I should have taken her with me or stayed home with her. I should know better. - Lindsay is using the mother's guilt. Yes, Charlotte was tearful this morning and clingy, but she talked to her daughter and stayed until she eventually calmed down a bit, but the guilt still consumed her. She also knew that the crying now wasn't from pain, years with her baby had taught her that her daughter was scared of a lot of people.
- Do you know. - Whether she knows or not, Jay doesn't know, because he apparently doesn't know anything, but he saw her is inexplicable just like when he saw her for the first time, he just feels, it's not something he knows how to explain. - You brought her and you'll see she'll be fine. - He tries.
- No you don't know... and you don't know what she went through and don't... - She said softly, not meant to offend, but it made Jay furious. Yeah, he really doesn't know anything because she was too selfish and decided to hide things from him. He wanted to yell at her and he probably will, but not now, now she is sad and worried and he will support even in anger, besides, they wouldn't have time, the girl, the nurse and the doctor came back. They accommodated the girl who was now sleeping peacefully.
- Well, we did some tests, now we just have to wait for the results. - The doctor starts.
- Did you give her anything? - Lindsay approaches the stretcher and caresses her daughter.
- No, she calmed down on the walk to the exam room and must have slept from exhaustion, I don't think she... - Before she finishes the sentence, the girl opens her eyes.
- Mommy. - She whines.
- Hi my baby. - She bends over to her daughter, everyone in the room watching. - You'll be fine, okay? - She caresses her daughter. - All these people here are trying to find out what you have and they will take good care of you, Mom is here.
- Mommy. - She extends her arms. Lindsay is tempted and looks at the doctor.
- Why don't you sleep with her...
- I... - Erin points to the shirt soiled with her daughter's vomit.
- It's me... uh... I'll get your sweatshirt from the car for you. - He enters the subject a little awkwardly.
- Great, we can enjoy it and let's do the entrance papers. - The doctor says. - Can we steal your daddy real quick Charlotte? - The girl is confused as Jay and Erin's blood runs cold. - Oh my God, aren't you the father? I'm sorry... I, I thought...
- Can you bring them to me? - Lindsay cuts. - I don't want to leave her.
- Sure, wait a minute. - Nurse Miranda says, leaving the situation as fast as she can.
- Yeah... hmm... I'll... - He's confused. he chokes. His mouth is dry. He doesn't know how he found words. His arms are everywhere making random gestures. - I'll... get the... get the blouse in the car. - He doesn't even wait for an answer and leaves as fast as he can.
- I'm really sorry... - The doctor says to Erin.
- It's all right. - Erin says politely.
- I'll see the entrance papers. Excuse me. - She says awkwardly.
She threw up. Mom is here now. Mommy. Charlotte Lindsay. Three years. Can I steal daddy? Daddy? Is he daddy? Jay might vomit, or pass out, even cry. Is he a father? Does he have a daughter? If so, does Erin hate him enough to hide her for three years? Does he have a daughter with Erin Lindsay? He couldn't even admire her. Watch her. See how right she is. Is she more like him or Lindsay? He doesn't even know, well the eyes are clear they look like his, but he doesn't know if they're bright like his mother's. Or if she has dimples. Is it his nose or Erin's? God, let it be hers. Did he and Lindsay have a daughter? A part of him and a part of her? Their love in the form of a little girl? My God, if it's his, he's lost a lot. Erin pregnant, her daughter coming into the world, the first cry, the first smile, so many things. What if it's not his? Who is the father? That Nick? No, he would already be here, but had she moved on so fast? It's okay he was dating, but that's not as serious as a baby is. He...
- Thanks. - A nervous voice says and only then he realizes that he was so lost in thoughts that he didn't even realize he was in the car and already came back with the blouse. He watches her kiss her daughter's forehead and stand up. - I'll get it out of here. - She says going to the bathroom. He then looks at the girl and he doesn't even know what to say, is she like him? She looks like a sleeping angel. Poor thing must be so exhausted. What does she have? God protect her that she is not covid. - I'll call the team. - She takes him out of his thoughts again.
- Yeah... Lindsay... I want to talk to you. - He's serious.
- I know. I'll call and let you know we're taking the rest of the day. She takes her cell phone and leaves the room. Rest of the day that's enough to confirm her theories.
- Hi, where are you? I am worried. Hailey said you're in the hospital. - Nick starts.
- It's not me. Charlotte is sick. I brought it to see what it was. We are waiting for the results...
- How is she?
- Tired, exhausted and in pain. She slept now. - She counts.
- You want me to go? - He asks.
- No, I'm going to take the day and I need you taking care of everything...
- Is Halstead with you? - He knows the answer, but asks anyway.
- Yes, I'll need to talk to him, so at least for now he doesn't come back and we need some time. - She explains.
- It's all right. If you need me, I'm just a phone call away. - He offers.
- I know, thank you. She smiles even though she knows he can't see.
- Keep me informed. - He says and they hang up. She takes a deep breath, it was now the most tense moment of her life, one of at least.
She puts her cell phone in her pocket and goes back to her room.
- We need to talk. - He says when he hears her coming in.
- Yeah… - She clears her throat after she's caught him watching her fragile little baby. - Yes... - She says awkwardly, she notices him a little annoyed. - I need to solve something, can you look at it for me? - Lindsay asks the nurse who smiles and waves. She and Jay go to a more secluded place, but not too far, from where Lindsay is, she can see her daughter. - Jay...
- I swear, I thought I knew you... - He starts his tone full of anger and hurt. - I thought what we had meant something to you. That I meant something to you...
-Jay...- His voice is soft and full of guilt.
- You know, I was confused by everything that happened since I saw you. I thought so many things, but I still tried to understand you. - His voice is vulnerable. - I thought I knew you. That you would have your reasons, but I NEVER, NEVER Erin, thought you would. I was such an idiot! -Even vulnerable, his anger was growing.
- I can explain... - She tries again.
- EXPLAIN WHAT EXACTLY? - He screams and when he receives unwanted attention lowers his voice, but it is still full of anger directed at her. - Explain how you had the COURAGE to hide my daughter from me? How did you walk away without saying anything while carrying our daughter? That you, the person I thought would understand the most about growing up without a father, hid and denied me and MY daughter a chance to have a different life than the one we both had, the one YOU had? - He's upset, angry and frustrated. - I really didn't expect this coming from you. You took me three years with my daughter. THREE FUCKING YEARS. - He gets angrier every moment he thinks about everything he's lost and he's so frustrated that he doesn't even care about the tears that fall from her eyes and his own. - Did you ever love me? Did I ever mean anything to you? How can you do that? - The screams were gone, the anger replaced by pain and sadness, that was it in these two days only, feelings so confused that it was messing with them.
- Jay, you're wrong, I...
- You what, can you explain to me? - He laughs without having the slightest grace and the least humor. - Go, explain to me how you lied to me for three years. -He turns around with his hand on his face and hair and throws it next to her when he looks at her. - I doubt you have a good explanation for three years of lying, three years taking my daughter away from me. It's okay for you to hate me... was it revenge? Want to know doesn't matter either. No matter what it is, you might even hate me, but how did you have the courage to look at that face all these years and not feel guilty about denying her the chance to have a father? He looks at her and takes a deep breath and thinks before continuing. - Was I that bad for you to hide from me? Was I that bad that I didn't deserve to meet my daughter? I know I messed up Erin, but I don't think it was enough for you to hide a lifetime from me. Hell she is our daughter, MY daughter. You look at her face everyday and fool her, how can you? How can you explain this? - He doesn't mind crying, seeing her cry, getting attention, being rude or screaming, he never felt so betrayed before, so vulnerable and that everything they lived maybe didn't mean anything to her.
- You weren't bad. Never was. You were…very important Jay, I would never do that. When I found out... - He laughs.
- Would you ever do that? What? I'm sorry, I must have gone blind, as I'm only seeing and finding out about my daughter now! - He says angrily.
- Jay, I would never hide your daughter from you. I know what it's like to grow up without a father and I would never do anything to hurt you or our daughter. I never told you about her, because Charlotte is not her daughter! -And it's at that moment that everything stops, that moment that nothing else exists, that's when he feels he can't breathe, that his whole world stops. She wasn't his.
"And just when we think we have control over the rules... something happens... that changes the whole game."
- Grey's Anatomy
A/N: It's mean to end up like this. I know, but who doesn't like suspense? I promise to make it up to you, it's not even the beginning. 😬 Don't hate me or Jay, you have to understand his side and all his anger too.
