I want to say a big thank you to Estefi, who corrected this chapter!
This part will be divided into three, because for you to have a more complete story it is necessary to understand it from the beginning and therefore, it is almost 20 thousand words all. I promise not to keep you waiting too long for the next ones, but the division was necessary. For this and the next chapters I advise headphones for some music recommendations. For this one we'll start with Bird and Rhodes - Let it all go and...
Good reading :-)
Chapter 8 - Reckoning
"The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much."
- Grey's Anatomy
When Erin dismissed them, Jay and Hailey went to the makeshift table for them. They didn't many things because they weren't there for long and, as it turned out, they wouldn't stay much longer. As they organized the few things they did have, Hailey saw a drawing on Jay's desk.
- What is it? - She questioned her boyfriend.
- Charlotte was here this morning. - He said, like it's no big deal. However, Hailey's look and raised eyebrow made it seem like a big deal.
- She really liked you. - She commented, not being able to keep that comment to herself.
- No big deal, she's a three year old girl and anyone who pays attention to her, she'll want to play or color with. - Jay said, trying not to think too much about the fact that the girl liked him. He couldn't go there.
Hailey did, though. The girl was indeed very nice and delicate, but when she met her, the girl was shy and Hailey knows that she only got a cookie from her because she was close to Tereza and because she was polite. Otherwise, Hailey doubts the little girl would have come to her to offer it like she did with Jay. This was remarkable since she didn't offer any to anyone else on the team other than Tess and Nick. Hailey was near Tess, but Jay wasn't even close to them, the girl made a point of going and Hailey saw that she also made a point of showing him a teddy bear. Something else that caught her attention was that girl asked Jay to go to her house to see more of her toys.
Hailey knows she's not jealous or anything, she trusts Jay and even though he's been weird these days, she knows he's been through a lot. So she wasn't going to judge him for any of that. That didn't mean she wouldn't judge Erin. She wasn't completely certain of it, but she couldn't stop thinking that Erin was using her daughter to get closer to Jay. Maybe she doesn't know how to call him to talk about the past, so she asked her daughter to call Jay to meet her toys at home.
She didn't think there was anything going on between the two, she doesn't know the story. She's a little jealous because she doesn't know what Erin's last day in Chicago was like. But doesn't see Jay being all rushed or something now that he's found Erin. She knew him better than that. So she was fine, but she was really looking forward to finally getting back to her home in Chicago, for Jay to go back to being her boyfriend and not someone who didn't talk to her and avoided sleeping in the same room as her.
- I think we should enjoy our last day at the hotel. - Hailey offered as they went downstairs with a smile to Jay. Yet when she looked at him she felt like he was going to find some excuse not to even sleep with her today.
- I have to talk to Erin today. - Jay got straight to the point. He promised he wouldn't lie to Hailey and he meant it.
He actually decided that now. He was debating whether or not he and Erin should bring up a conversation from four years ago, but he felt like he deserved some closure, a clean slate even, even though they no longer worked together or were friends. He thought they at least could have a better relationship than just avoiding each other. Another reason Jay wanted to talk to Erin was that he felt she had something to tell him. He couldn't say what it was, but he felt that she was hiding something from him. So he made up his mind that that was what he was going to do, finally sort out whatever that was and move on with his life.
At that moment all of Hailey's understanding was gone. She didn't say anything, she just grabbed her things and walked away. Jay quickly ran after her as they got on the elevator.
- Hailey... - He called her and tried to make her listen. However, Jay ended up being silent when he realized they had company. He didn't know how close these people were to Erin and he didn't want to have anyone to listen in on their private conversation and think there was anything remotely similar to an affair going on. He didn't even have time to think though, given that as soon as they were out of everyone's eyes, Hailey started walking out of headquarters. - I told you I needed to talk to her because... - He started to say stopping her outside.
- Because of what, Jay? For what? That was four years ago! - Hailey said irritated. - You make promises to a girl who's not even your daughter, whom you don't even know! You want to debate what with Erin, exactly? What she did to you destroyed you and that has no explanation! - She exclaims. -She wasn't the one who stayed to pick up the pieces. It was her family, her team in Chicago! - She said. - I don't think you'll get any closure by reliving the past. Meeting her has left you like this, distant, it feels like we went back in time. And she's going to break your heart again, she's going to say she didn't love you or something, and again, I'm going to have to pick up the pieces. You're distant Jay, you keep getting further and further away, you don't talk to me, we don't sleep on the same bed and you don't even...
- Hailey... - He interrupted her. - I'm not lying. I've been honest with you all along and I see that even now you can't understand. I'm trying here. I'm telling you everything I can, I'm trying the best I can, but I can't just change because you asked. - He said controlling himself, he didn't want to get angry or throw her lies in her face, but her repeating herself was making him angry.
- Jay, what are you going to achieve by reliving things from four years ago? - She questioned him.
- I don't know, Hailey, okay? I really do not know. - He said letting her see that he was not trying to hurt her. - I feel like I have the opportunity to know what happened four years ago and I know it won't change anything but I'm going to have closure, Hailey. I'm going to be able to finally move on, being mature with Erin. And I hope she's mature too so that we can finally know what happened in those last days. I know I'm not being the best boyfriend right now but it's not about us Hailey, it's about me, it's about what I feel like I need and now I'm telling you I need this. I need you support here, ok? That trust me. - He said and she stayed silent.
- I trust you. - She told him while approaching him. - I just don't want you to get hurt, Jay. I don't want you to be like last time. - She said.
- I'm not going to. There's no way, Hailey. - He started. - I don't know what will happen, but I know that I'm over what happened years ago. I understand things better now. The therapy sessions as well as the veterans group helped me. I was going through a lot a few years ago, things you don't know but that were part of my demons. Yes, Erin was a part of it, but it also went beyond that. I'm better now, I've learned that not everything is on me, but in conversation with the therapist she said I should have closure for every single thing I had a problem with and I feel like this is my chance now, ok? There's no way I can go back to what I was in the past as I'm not that man anymore. Plus I know Erin has matured too and we'll just have a closing conversation. She also needs answers and I think we deserve after how it all turned out. -He said sincerely and Hailey believed in his words.
- I believe you. I'll wait for you ok? - She said.
- No need, I don't know how long I'll take and now it's... - He reached into his pocket to take out his cell phone and check the time. - Damn it. - He complained.
- What's it? - She asked.
- I forgot to grab my cell phone. - He said, but quickly got back to the topic. - It's late, I don't know how long I'll take, so you don't have to wait for me. - He informed her and noticed that she didn't like his answer. He really knew he was not being the best person, but he really needed that time. It's got nothing to do with Hailey, it was just him.
Hailey realized that Jay was being the most honest with her, that he'd been trying and was just asking her to be patient, so she decided to give him that time. New York had a lot of emotions and she knew that when they were home, then he could talk to her.
- Okay... - She walked up to him and kissed him. This was the first kiss they'd had since she'd arrived. Jay had kept his distance this whole time, but now she wanted him to know that she would give him the time he was asking for.
Jay didn't let her make the kiss too long, but it was long enough for Erin, who was leaving, to see the scene. It was for this together with other reasons that she avoided thinking about Jay too much, wondering too much if he was in a relationship, and that was why she let reason and maturity speak louder and smiled. She liked Hailey during the few days they got to work some years ago and Hailey still seemed nice to this day. She knew that one day Jay would move on and she was happy that Hailey made him happy. Well, she couldn't really show it, but it was what she wanted him to be, happy.
She ran to her car and, preventing any feelings from leaking out, she kept her gaze on the road, not looking at the couple. Unlike Hailey, who saw her walk away when Jay pushed her away, Jay never saw any of it.
- Go get your cell phone. - Hailey told Jay as they walked away.
- All right... – Jay answered - Go to the hotel and I'll meet you early tomorrow, all right? – Reluctantly, Hailey accepted. She would tell him to go to her room, but she wasn't in the mood for a no, so she just nodded, gave him another peck and left.
When Jay was alone, he started thinking about Charlotte. He wondered how he'd feel if Erin was okay but childless. But knowing that she did have a daughter and she wasn't his hurt him. He wanted to get away from everyone, he wanted time to think. He knew he was acting strange, but it was complicated even for him.
He went upstairs to get his cell phone and talk to Erin, but noticed that she had already left. When he found the cell, he looked at the floor and noticed something right under his desk. It was Charlotte's sheep. Apparently neither he nor the girl had seen it when it fell. Jay reached down and picked it up. He smiled at it; he had good reason to show up at Erin's house now.
Jay took a deep breath and headed downstairs while getting an Uber. He was nervous, but he felt that he would finally have an end, which he needed. Jay remembered the address by heart. Don't judge him, he wasn't a psychopath. He was just a detective and, besides, his mind was a sharp one.
When the car stopped at a red light, Jay noticed a store on the corner and he didn't know if he should or not, but the feeling was stronger than him. He asked the driver to stop for a second, he didn't request for a stop on the app but the man didn't seem to mind and the store was empty so it was a quick purchase and the man taking Jay to his destination didn't care. It wasn't any big deviation. He would make sure to give him a good tip.
Jay didn't talk much to the man. In fact, he just thought about what it would be like when he arrived. He wanted, no, needed that outcome to be a good one.
He took a deep breath and entered the building, only to be stopped by the doorman.
- Good night, sir. – He said as soon as he noticed Jay.
- Good night. I'm looking for agent Erin Lindsay's apartment. - He told the man.
- Okay, and who should I tell her is looking for her? - The man questioned him. Jay was not a familiar face to him.
- Jay Halstead. I'm a Chicago detective and I'm working with her. - He said and the man asked for Jay's badge.
- Okay, let me call Miss Lindsay. - The man said and Jay nodded. He would have preferred not to have to go through that since now she could deny him entrance, but he knew that if he said that the man who had never seen him in his life, he would find it suspicious.
- See the line where the sky meets the sea? - Yes, Erin Lindsay, FBI agent, was currently wearing a princess crown on her head while her daughter was wearing Elsa's dress and they were both singing a song from Moana. Thank you, YouTube, for shuffling children's songs and Charlotte for making her mom know them all.
That is the magic of having a child. It doesn't matter if you have a thousand things to do, a thousand problems, if your heart is broken or whatever. If you have a child the problems stop for a while when you're with them.
Erin arrived home trying not to look sad about the scene she witnessed. She was a mature adult, for crying out loud. Everything faded she might have been felling soon faded the moment her daughter, dressed as Belle at that time, ran to her. After her mom got home, she ended up putting on Elsa's dress because of the music and so, Lindsay did nothing but just dance with her daughter in the living room after Mackenzie left. She was still in her clothes of the day, except for the accessories added by her daughter, a princess tiara, a pearl necklace and a few "diamond" rings.
And that's why she missed both doorman's calls. They were singing so loud they couldn't hear anything else.
Jay was afraid he wouldn't be able to go up, but the doorman eventually allowed it, saying he might be luckier if he knocked on the door.
They say the third time's a charm, right? Well, apparently it was. Jay just wouldn't give up trying because he could hear sounds coming from the apartment. He couldn't do so properly, maybe the house had good sound protection, because he knew there was movement coming from inside, but he couldn't make out what was happening.
Erin was currently twirling around with her daughter in the living room when she heard a noise. Actually, she thought she did, but figured it was something from the songs they were dancing to. The second time, she knew she had heard something and that's when she stopped to listen to make sure. She soon stopped. There was definitely someone at her door. She turned down the volume and placed Charlotte on the couch.
- Wait here, sweetie. - Erin said not pausing the music, just lowering it for the girl to continue her moment. Lindsay thought maybe it was the neighbor complaining and she didn't want her daughter to see someone angry because of their happiness. She would apologize and move on. What she didn't expect was to see Jay on the other side.
- Jay? - She asks surprised.
- Jay! - Charlotte appeared smiling and screaming excitedly.
Well, two very different reactions.
- Charlotte, hi... - Jay looked at the girl who was wearing a blue princess dress and that maked him look at Erin, noticing for the first time the pearl necklace and crown. - Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. - Jay said trying to hold back a laugh. It was more of a mixed feeling now. Seeing the two of them, seeing the moment he interrupted was funny and at the same time everything he wanted.
- Uh, no... it's okay. - Lindsay quickly remembered how she looked and pulled the crown off her head. - What can I help you with? - She asked awkwardly.
- Yeah, ughh... I...
- He came to see my toys, mommy. - The girl answered excitedly.
- Yeah, I hope I'm not getting in the way. - Jay looked at Erin.
- It's all right. - She said smiling slightly at him and saw how he suddenly became confidant.
- Actually, I'm also here because someone was left behind today. - He took a hand from his back and showed the sheep to Charlotte.
- Mrs. Baa. - She picked it up and jumped excitedly to hug her pet. Lindsay looked up at Jay and raised an eyebrow without commenting anything.
-Well, she was feeling a little lonely since she must have fallen to the ground when we were painting. - He looked at Erin and he was the one with his eyebrow arched now, as if knowing she was thinking and making sure he wasn't a stalker and had plausible reasons for being there. She remained silent, just laughing at him. - So, she found a friend... - Jay said taking his other hand from his back and revealing a purple pig. He saw that animal and felt he needed to take it.
- Purple pig? - Erin questioned him.
- I wove it! - Charlotte interrupted the two and hugged her new pet. Her mispronunciation being absolutely adorable. She was happy. After helping Charlotte name her new toy Mrs. Purple Pig, Lindsay invited him in.
They were both nervous and Erin knew Jay wasn't just there for her daughter. However, since the moment he arrived, it has been just about that. Lindsay turned off the TV and her daughter was so engrossed in Jay that she didn't even care. In fact, she just took Jay's hand and led him to her room, not giving him the opportunity to even look around the apartment properly. Or for Erin to talk thank him for Mrs. Baa and the purple pig.
- I'm sorry, can I? - Jay asks Erin, referencing to the fact that he was already in the girl's room. It might be a little uncomfortable for her to have him entering her daughter's room, but Erin just waved him on, that's what her daughter wanted.
Jay stopped in shock looking around the place. It was a children's paradise. A room almost taken from Tumblr. Jay noticed it in Lindsay, the way she took care of her daughter, talked to her daughter, dressed her daughter. He was happy to see that side of her. He'd always known she was afraid of being a mother because of her troubled history with her own mother, but he'd seen her with children before and how they instantly trusted her. He always knew she would make an amazing mother, he just never imagined he wouldn't be there to see it come true. In fact, after years he was seeing it was just that...
- These are all my stuffed animals. - Charlotte explained.
- Wow, you really have a lot. - Jay said when he noticed the shelves filled with the plushies.
Jay loved the room, he thought it was very beautiful and apparently it was just like Charlie. He spotted a shelf with photos. There were very few, but they caught his attention. The first one he saw was one of Erin holding Charlie. The girl, who was much smaller was smiling at her. He noticed they were at the beach and Jay wondered which beach it was and when she had time for it. The second picture he saw was Charlotte, a little closer in age to how old she is now on Nick's lap. Jay rolled his eyes at that. Next to him was Teresa holding the girl's hand and Lindsay was on Nick's other side. The four of them were smiling for the photo. And it was while he was observing this photo that Lindsay made her presence known.
- It was a double celebration. - She spoke causing Jay to look at her. - Last year a few days after I finally got custody of her I had her baptized. Nick and Tess are the God parents. - She explained the photo and now he understood the girl's white outfit and Erin's tearful look in the photo, as well as why the girl was super attached to Tess and Nick. "That was our last night at the hospital..." She pointed to the back.
- At the hospital? - He questioned, but couldn't get an answer because Charlotte drew attention to herself.
- My photos. - She said.
- Yes, pictures of the most beautiful girl in the world. - Erin took her in her lap. - I was going to tell Jay that this picture stays here, because that's when you were finally released from the hospital and we had our first night at home together, isn't it? - Lindsay asked and she nodded excitedly.
- Yes, me and mommy fowevew. - She said smiling. Jay forced a smile of his own.
Jay was politely forced to play with the three-year-old. He didn't talk much to Lindsay after the photo explanation and his mind wanted to know everything about Charlotte. His heart seemed to break more and more as he thought about and played with the little girl right in front of him.
She was playing and he was enjoying watching her doing so. That girl may have been through hell in her few years of life, he can definitely vouch for that with the few discoveries he's made through Erin. But he still watched her. He observed the room, the way she dresses, how kind and polite she is, but apart from the material possessions, he looked beyond. He noticed the smile, the happiness and the innocence that she has. As he continued observing and thinking, he realized that Charlotte seemed to have a normal life. It was just the lack of him in her life that might have been the problem. That was until he found out about the adoption, so he couldn't choose to be a part of her life or Lindsay's.
He knew he was meant to feel relieved, without lawyers or alimony or even a legal fight for custody, without having to put that girl in a war camp and bring instability to her life. But a small part of him, the irrational part, wanted that. Not the legal fight and everything that came with it, but being in those photos, knowing every corner of the room because he was present when every item was selected and purchased. He wished he'd had it all. He wondered when the possibility of that girl being his came into his mind. But what was an incredible dream soon turned into a nightmare and everything he had believed in crumbled. But he knew he shouldn't have thoughts like that, instead he focused on Lindsay.
What she did with this girl was beyond him, and he didn't even know the whole story. The child was completely healthy, safe, and remarkably loved. It was one of the purest things Jay had ever seen and it was his ex-partner who did it all. By herself. Of course, with the help of friends, but still, alone.
- Okay, it's time for the little monster to go to bed. - Erin said. This nickname was one of Charlotte's favorites. She called herself that in one of her games with her mother, informing her that she was a monster and making a face to scare her mother, who was most definitely not afraid of the cute little creature. She just thought she was the most adorable thing ever and Lindsay called her that sometimes.
- No mommy, today I'm a pwincess. - She answered instead. Ever since Jay called her a princess she's been playing that role.
- Okay, time for princesses to go to bed. - She smiled at her daughter.
- But I want to pway. - She said pouting.
- But you know the rules, my love. It's about time, tomorrow we'll play more. - She repeated herself, Jay impressed that she had a steady hand with that bright look, fluffy pout and even cuter face. What he didn't know was that even though Erin had a soft spot, she was so used to it that she ended up learning some ways to get away from the trick.
- You too? - She asked Jay.
- And I...
- Sweetie, do you remember that Jay lives in another city? - She asked her daughter and when she nodded, Erin continued. - Well, pretty soon he'll have to go back.
- With Hank, Kevin and Kim? - She questioned. The girl was three years old, she didn't have a photographic memory, she just heard those names earlier today when her mother was talking to Tess and she remembered them.
- Yes, with all of them. - Erin said and Jay looked at Erin, but didn't say anything.
- I wanna go, too. - She grumbled.
- Maybe another day? - That wasn't a lie, even though she never went back to Chicago, maybe when her daughter is 18 and able to fly by herself, she can drop by. She said the other day, she just never set a date. Okay, Lindsay knew she was never really banned from the city or the state, but it's just that after everything that happened, she doesn't know if she has a reason to go back or if she's still wanted there. Furthermore, she has also been very busy these past few years.
- Otay. -For the first time ever, her daughter didn't throw a tantrum about something she wanted, maybe because she didn't really know what traveling to another place really entailed and figures that any day she wanted to, they could go to Chicago. After all, she was only three.
- Can I wait in the living room? - Jay asked awkwardly.
- Yes, please. - Erin answered him.
- Okay, goodnight, princess. - Jay said and she ran for a goodnight hug.
It was as if everything in his world fell into place perfectly, as if the puzzle was finished and the last missing piece was finally there. But that wasn't the story, and all Jay could think was that in another life, they would be your girl. He desperately wanted to kiss Charlie's forehead before she went to bed which he kind of did while she hugged him. He didn't want to let go of her. Unfortunately, it was something he had to do.
They waved goodbye and Jay left the room, making sure to leave the door open before going to the living room. He got a little restless there. It was so weird for him to think about all the plans they'd made together and now, when Lindsay was going to put her daughter to bed, he had to leave them for privacy because, at some point, she'd decided to exclude him from all of this.
He felt the anger coming back again and he couldn't explain why this feeling always did that. He needed to control himself, he couldn't stress and scream knowing that Charlotte was right in the next room. He so wanted to have more time for them to talk without having to worry about little ears. Because of all those swirling thoughts, Jay missed the mother and daughter conversation.
- Jay is fun. - Charlie said while waiting for her mom to come back with her pajamas.
- Didn't I ever tell you that? -Erin smiled at the girl as she approached the bed. Tonight's choice was wool pants and long-sleeved blouse. It wasn't a surprise that she wanted the princess pajamas, the problem was that the only ones that still fit her were in the laundry basket waiting to be washed some time during the week and she didn't want to put shorts on her daughter. The house was heated, but it still wasn't warm enough for those. The only option tonight was that of light blue panda pajamas. - You know what? - Lindsay asked while dressing her.
- No, what? Tell me? - Her daughter was definitely an anxious little girl.
- When this case is over, we'll take a vacation and you and I will go to the beach. - This made her little munchkin widen her gorgeous blue eyes in excitement. That was the plan to celebrate the anniversary of the adoption. The girl loved the beach and since the moment she started living near the beach, Lindsay could say it was one of her favorite spots too.
- Yay! - She screamed excitedly.
In the living room, Jay's restlessness got the better of him and he started snooping around Erin's apartment. It was bigger than hers in Chicago (or should he say theirs?) and he knew that woman had very good taste in things. Charlie's lucky. However, he was most definitely not interested in the apartment itself. What he really wanted to see were the photos.
Surprisingly, he found two with him in them. Of course, it wasn't just him, it was the entire team, but still, that photo from his birthday was a good memory for him.
Jay was about to go check the others when he heard Charlotte screaming and walked to the door. He was snooping around and he knew it was wrong, but he needed to see or listen to whatever had made the girl that excited. He knew he was torturing himself, but he was stronger than he thought he was.
Jay caught Erin tickling her daughter and then asking if she wanted a story or to have her sing. Jay couldn't believe how much he wanted her to choose the second option. He hadn't heard Erin singing in a long time and felt like there was a difference now that she was a mother. Unfortunately for him, though, reading was the girl's choice.
Erin then took her daughter in her arms and helped her to the bed. This time she didn't get into a sitting position with her baby. She laid her down, as she intended to leave as soon as the girl closed her eyes.
She covered Charlie and didn't say anything when she asked for the binkie because she had just been sick, had had days without her mother and was definitely out of diapers. Lindsay was simply going to enjoy today. Jay beamed with pride when he noticed that Charlie had Mrs. Baa in one arm Mrs. Purple Pig in the other one.
Like most nights, Erin read to her daughter "Up to the Moon and Back", her favorite. As her back was turned, she didn't see Jay standing in the doorway nor did she see the tear that ran down his eye when he witnessed the whole scene. He had it right there in front of him, Charlotte with the pacifier, the stuffed animal he gave her in one arm and her favorite in the other, helping her mother tell the story. He also saw Lindsay, whom he loved, and saw himself getting married to her, having kids and retiring and convincing her to finally move to his grandfather's cabin in Wisconsin. And it was in that moment that he realized he wasn't part of any of it and he never would be. He didn't fit in there. Maybe that was supposed to be his future, but the universe definitely hated him. He lost all that, he was not the one who would go in and complete to see who would do the voice of daddy kangaroo. He didn't have a daughter and he couldn't have a moment like that with her. He couldn't come to the apartment every night to put a princess tiara on her head and maybe even his or dance with his little girl to Frozen songs or whatever she felt like dancing to.
Right then and there, he let it sink in that four years ago Lindsay took all of that scenario away from him. She made the decision for him that he wouldn't be a part of it, that he would never have what he'd always wanted for them, which, if he was being honest with himself, he'd always imagined since they started a relationship.
He felt excluded and discarded watching that scene. He felt betrayed knowing she had moved on and gotten herself a family. Sure, she didn't seem to have a man by her side, but she didn't come home every night to a cold, dark, empty apartment. Every night she returns to her home, littered with scattered toys.
It was because he was in so much pain seeing the scene in front of him that he walked away from the bedroom door and turned his attention back on the apartment. This time he wasn't looking at pictures or whether the apartment was big or small, pretty or ugly.
He realized the apartment was full.
He began to clean up Charlotte's thing. On the kitchen counter, a high chair had a raised part and protection bars so that a child would not fall. On the fridge he noticed the pictures of the little girl and some of her drawings. In the dining room, there was a chair that even had a tray which was next to a chair that was probably where Lindsay sat to eat with her daughter. Everywhere, kitchen sink, countertop, dining table and coffee table there were traces of a child, a little girl living there.
In the sink, he spotted children's dishes. On the tray there was a spoon, two training cups and a pink plate. Jay figured it must have been leftovers from their dinner. On the dining room table there were some blocks and slippers lost under the table. Jay noted that there was a space outside. It was dark so he couldn't see properly, but he imagined it was a kind of an inside playground. That must be how it was for kids born in NYC.
The place that had the biggest amount of traces of a child living there was the living room. It didn't really look like there was only one child in the house. In the living room, there were toys everywhere, all over the place. Big, small, medium, you name it. A macaw with several costumes. Lots of boxes that Jay assumed was where they got the crowns and stuff from. It was obviously half-kept and half-messy, and Jay imagined that while he and Charlotte were in the bedroom, Erin was probably in the living room trying to smooth out the mess.
- I'm sorry, she usually helps with cleaning up, but... - Lindsay scared him. He didn't see that she had left the room and quickly wiped away the tears, but he couldn't hide his red face and full eyes. – Jay, what is it? - Lindsay was startled to see Jay crying. She didn't know the reason why and she got worried.
- It's nothing. - He pretended he was fine and that was when she figured out what was likely bothering him and that was why she didn't want to look at him, really look at him. In that moment, it was like her heart got unlocked and all the pain hit her hard, because, even if Jay didn't say anything, this, this life, it should be them living it together. They were supposed to leave Charlotte's room together after they both put their daughter to bed, but Jay chose not to be with her anymore, and she decided that everything she had been through was enough and she couldn't go on living that life in Chicago anymore.
- I think we really should talk. - She said and he nodded. She normally just touches or leaves her daughter's bedroom door ajar, but today she closed it completely, she would have a grown-up talk and was praying to God that when Jay found out the whole truth, their screaming wouldn't wake up her daughter. . She knew this was their last chance to have the clean slate they should have gotten four years ago and that was why he'd shown up at her house.
Jay could only nod and follow her as she walked further into the room. Neither of them knew what to do, what to say, or how to start the conversation. Jay was angry and so he decided he would try to calm down before they started the conversation because he was pretty positive he would end up getting angry and neither of them wanted to raise their voices.
- What is it like to be a mother? - He asked awkwardly. He wasn't sure that was the right way to start, but then Erin stopped and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, as if asking if he really wanted to know. She could see the pain in his eyes and she would have never imagined he would start with that question. Yet he just shrugged and she decided to answer him.
- We both cry sometimes, they poop and pee on you but thankfully Charlotte wasn't really a baby anymore when I adopted her. - She laughed reminiscing; it's super funny now. Then, not so much - They'll sometimes scream until their ears hurt, cry all night, make you buy something they might break or lose in 5 seconds. And I'm not just talking about Charlotte, because we go to parent groups and there are kids that I'm scared of. - She couldn't help laughing again. -Charlie went through a lot. She didn't give me much work, not the kind that you feel bad about being a father and mother. Just work that children normally give you. But then there's the part where we watched Frozen a thousand times, we sang Moana a thousand more and so on. Then there's those three seconds after you unlock the door, those little three seconds where you're looking for an angel killer and in three seconds your worry is gone the moment you hear those little footsteps coming your way, when someone you didn't know you could love so much is in your arms safe and sound and it seems like only your presence makes that little person's day, well that makes it all worth it.
Again, both sets of eyes were filled with tears. Jay could still feel the anger there, he also felt envious. But now, after that beautiful explanation, what he felt was happiness. Happiness to know that she found someone who made her happy, someone who really seemed to be the whole reason she was still here, who helped her be the best version of herself. He was really happy, even with all the other feelings in his heart.
- I'm sorry, it's just...
- No, I asked and I'm glad you have that, really. - He answered.
After a while of not knowing what to do or say, the two began to organize the room. Erin was waiting for him to say something and because she could not to stand still and wait to have him say or ask something else, she was the one who started cleaning her daughter's things. Getting nervous by the silence, too, Jay also started cleaning up but he knew he had to start talking. And so, he finally brought up the elephant in the room.
- What happened, Erin? - He turned to her and stared at her. There was one thing Jay learned after all these years and that was to be mature and understand that as much as he didn't agree with something or like he deserved more from her back then, she still had her reasons.
Their reunion four years later was peaceful. It was very emotional for both of them, sure, and it brought up many things that for many years they needed to hide deep in their hearts, but they knew that one day all these secrets would be revealed. They had to be.
- I really can't understand why you left everything behind, why you just walked away without even saying goodbye. - He said and it may have been years, but she felt his pain. She felt it because she went thought that when he left home. It wasn't out of revenge that she didn't warn him, though, but still, she felt that she had hurt him deeply.
- I made a deal. -She started. She knew the story was long, so she dropped what she had in her hands and approached him, not too close, but close enough that they could face each other better.
- A deal? - He asked her confused.
- Actually, it wasn't me who made, but anyway, it was the only option. - She shook her head. - The FBI wanted me, so Voight offered me to them. - She went on.
- Voight traded you? He sold you as if... - He could tell he was starting to get annoyed.
- No, Jay, it was an offer and I was able to accept only if I wanted to... - She explained, remembering when she and Jay met and Jay found out about her past and thought Voight forced her to be his informant when she was still a minor.
- They got you, what did you get in exchange? - He questioned her, but before she could answer him, he got angry. - Please don't tell me it was a deal with Bunny, that they recruited you and didn't arrest Bunny, because I remember told you that she had been caught by them and then she was released and suddenly you were gone. -He pleaded with fear and guilt clouding her eyes.
- No, that was just like an extra request when I knew I didn't have much of an option. – She answered without making any eye contact.
- Didn't you have a choice? - He asks even more confused.
- Jay... - She came closer. - They were going to take my badge, I wasn't just going to lose my job, I wasn't going to be able to be a cop anymore. - She finally told him.
- Erin, no, we would've found a way... - She couldn't help laughing at this.
- Jay, Ivory Tower said that if I refused to leave Intelligence on my own, not only would they take my badge, they would undo Intelligence. You would have all lost your jobs! - She explained.
- Erin, that was only a threat! There's no way they could have done that! – He rebutted while trying not to lose his temper after discovering this dirty trick from years ago.
- Yes, but I had no choice, Jay. You couldn't pay for the mistake I made. - She sighed.
- Erin, no one blamed you for what you did that day... - He took a step forward and put a hand on her elbow to get her to look at him in the eye.
- Please don't lie, Jay. Even if they didn't, it doesn't matter. It still wouldn't be fair for them to lose their jobs because of my mistake. - She repeated.
- That's the thing, though! It wasn't a mistake! - He stated confidently. - If it weren't for you, we might have never found that boy.
- It didn't help much, did it, though? - She said with regret evident in her voice, remembering that he had already passed away. Jay was in it as much as Erin was. He never blamed her for what she did, he would have done the same. There are so many moments where one needs to have their partner by their side, as they will be there to give the reason when one totally loses it. But he wasn't there like she needed him to. Hailey still didn't know Erin very well, Jay would have been better off holding Lindsay and stopping her, maybe not from hitting the man, but at the very least getting the gun out of her hand before they got caught.
- You tried and we were able to give the parents at least an end to all that. - He said lowering his voice and approaching her.
- I know. I don't regret what I did, I regret what I put Hailey through and what I almost put Intelligence through. I was falling, Jay, and I sure as hell wouldn't take you guys with me. I decided to walk into that room with my gun and Hailey had nothing to do with it and she almost missed a good opportunity because of it. And you? Well, I know how important Intelligence is to everyone, I couldn't let you guys sink because of what I had done – She knew she had already explained that, but she need him to understand that she never meant to hurt anyone, especially him.
- I was your partner...
- We weren't back then... - She turned to put a doll in the correct box, but Jay held her arm causing her to stare at him.
- I'm not saying what Voight's rule stated or didn't state. You have always been my partner, Erin, professionally and personally. - He professed, their eyes meeting.
- It's hard to believe that after everything. - She declared with evident hurt, lowering her gaze.
- Is that why you didn't say goodbye? Because I left first? He questioned her, a mixture of guilt and anger in his voice. Erin felt nervous and wanted to cry, but then she pulled away. - Erin...
At that moment, more and more memories came to the surface. Not that it was possible to forget, but there, being forced to remember everything that happened in those last few days, that last day was too much for her. Not getting a response from her, her sad gaze caught Jay's attention. Even if the apartment was dimly lit, he noticed, he would always notice her expressions no matter how much time passed and that worried him.
- What happened, Erin? - He somehow got even closer. His fear growing, he had no idea what it could be, but from the look in her eyes, it was something terrible.
- Jay... - It was hard. Jay was startled to see her cry, his ex-girlfriend usually cried when something was too personal for her and even then she hated crying in front of people. He was one of the few who could calm her down and she felt comfortable crying around, but he felt her pain and was also worried as he didn't know what could have been wrong. - I'm sorry... - She had a soft and guilty voice, she spoke softly through the tears that started to flow. - I…Jay…- She lowered her head, guilt consuming her, making her unable to look at Jay when something she'd been hiding for years finally was about to come to light. - Jay, I was expecting your child when you left home and I lost our baby... - And it was like that, once again, in just one week Jay's world was falling apart.
He had found someone who was one of the most important people in his life, the one he loved the most and perhaps the one who hurt him the most. He thought he had a daughter he didn't know about, but then he soon found out she wasn't his and it broke his heart. But now, making it worse, he actually almost became a father, but then apparently life was not in his ex's favor either.
"They say the saddest thing a man can face is what could have been. But what about the man who faces what once was? Or what can never be? Or what can no longer be?"
- One Tree Hill
A/N: In the next chapter, we're going to take a trip back in time and finally see everything that happened in Erin's last few months in Chicago.
Ps: I thought about including the lyrics of the song between some parts of the story, but I don't know. If you can, tell me what you think of it. I can try this method for the next chapter. Let me hear from you.
Hope you liked it and until the next chapter.
