A thousand apologies for the delay! I promise the next one comes out on Sunday as soon as I wake up. It has already been written too.
Song: Someone you Loved - Lewis Capaldi. And as always...
Good reading
Chapter 9 - Fork in the Road
"People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our old wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers. What's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've over come. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think but that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."
- Grey's anatomy
Erin never wanted to hide her pregnancy at any time, not even when she found out she was pregnant. It's funny to think she never wanted that, but here she was, four years later telling Jay that he almost became a father. That for a moment, she thought they would have a family and that maybe, just maybe life wouldn't be so terrible with her. However, she was very wrong.
Honestly, did she, Erin Lindsay, think she would have a good future? The perfect family, with the perfect guy? She was very, very wrong.
When those words left her mouth, it was like putting a weight off her back. She never told anyone, no one but her and the doctors knew about it. She feels so much guilt about it, she knows it was a miscarriage, but no matter what they say, she will always blame herself for losing that baby.
Hearing those words felt strange. Jay held her because he saw the pain in her eyes, but still with her in his arms crying, he didn't seem to have heard or if so, he was just hallucinating, so he needed to ask, he needed to hear again, because maybe it wasn't true.
- Which? -He asks, realizing that at that moment he really heard, because his voice almost didn't come out. He almost couldn't speak, because yes, a devastating reality washed over him, and it was only confirmed when she repeated it.
- I was pregnant before I left for NY. - She says and now they are both with a lot of feelings.
Jay wanted answers, Jay wanted Lindsay to say why she left without saying goodbye, why she left, why she never gave an explanation. They'd never been married, but getting an email from Erin's lawyer was the ultimate thing for Jay, she didn't even want to talk to him over the phone about their apartment. She just texted him that he could keep the apartment and that if he had something to talk about, the lawyer would take care of it. This sucked for him, he didn't want that damn apartment, he wanted her, he wouldn't live in what was her home and then their home, but still, there she was, letting him know that she left it to him and the rest. they would work it out with her lawyer.
Jay wanted to question that too. Didn't he even deserve a message? They didn't need a lawyer to sort this out. He wasn't going to fight her over that apartment, he just wanted her, but that's how they worked it out.
Jay's trip to New York wasn't at all what he'd planned. He knew Erin wasn't in SVU, he also thought it would be a back-and-forth like he's done before. Lindsay has gone alone and Jay has gone with her years before when they were partners, nothing that took long for them, so when Voight informed him he didn't worry. The truth is, he didn't even think that was where Erin currently lived, he knew, but it didn't cross his mind that they would meet.
What was supposed to be two days turned into a third, a third that made him meet someone he had unfinished business with, but to be honest, maybe his unfinished business was time-barred, of course they didn't commit a crime, or maybe they did, but still, when he found her, he felt he had the right to know everything, to take away those questions that had been circling his mind for years, while thinking that maybe he shouldn't go back to this after so long, which he got over it. But the truth, no matter how hard he tried, he wouldn't get over it, not until he knew the truth. He might not love Lindsay anymore, not be friends anymore, but the answer to all his questions should lift a weight off his back.
On the fourth day, then, it looked like it was having a cave-in, first you feel a pressure and it's weak, but you get scared. And then comes the second tremor, it's stronger. He was a father. Father of a beautiful 3 year old girl. He and Erin had a baby together, the end of their relationship was devastating for Jay, but when he looked at that baby in the hospital bed, he thought it doesn't matter all the mistakes they both made, because in the end, something good and pure came out of it. their love, even though he wasted three years of her life.
But it was a false alarm, that moment when he thought he was a father and his mind was already wondering if he would have to move out of state to be a present father for his daughter, or if he and Lindsay would submit a three-year-old girl for flying. almost three hours to be able to have a relationship with his father, it was all gone. Because she wasn't his, he didn't waste three years of his daughter's life because he didn't have one.
When he told Hailey, he saw the relief drain from her and he wished he'd had that feeling, wished all he thought was that he wasn't the father of a kid living in NY, but he didn't. He got sad. He believed with all his strength that that girl was his. He felt her traits could be his. Of course, he knows it might have been his mind playing tricks on him due to the information he got, but still, he got along so well with her, she practically adored him, was talkative and smiling with him and every time she was there Jay he felt pain, an overwhelming pain of knowing that this beautiful little girl wasn't his, that he wasn't her father, and that he wouldn't be a part of her life. He wouldn't see her grow up, wouldn't be someone she trusted, because she just wasn't his.
If that wasn't enough, on the ninth day, on its last day the earthquake was at a very high level. That's when it all fell apart, that's when in just one week he didn't know if he could take any more pain, more disappointments, more discoveries. He didn't know they were coming, he just felt everything lingering around him.
He thought he was a father, then found he wasn't, and then found he almost was. It turned out that the woman he saw himself marrying and spending the rest of his life with was pregnant, that as much as they hadn't prepared or talked about it years ago, he knew he wanted to be the father of Erin Lindsay's children and that ring that he was going to ask her to marry him was proof of that.
How much change do you believe can happen in just 2 months? How much do you think can change right in front of you without you even realizing it?
They lived together for 7 months, it was perfect, they knew they made the right decision, but how in just two months everything can fall apart, how after four years, in just one week, can their days be haunted again? This was too much, this felt like a nightmare, but now that it had started, they would have to go all the way and to know the end, they needed to start from the beginning.
...
Chicago, IL - Mar/2017
Erin Lindsay wasn't one of those paranoid people who, when her period was late, despaired of being a baby. She had her moments, but they were before she found out that it was common due to her history that her period was late. She didn't worry so much, as she had already been to the doctor and was a person who strictly followed her birth control.
She never wanted to be a mother, look at her, at her mother's example and at her work. Totally unfeasible, right? Well, she's thought about it throughout her 30s, what's changed? Well, her work partner came into her life. Not that they actually talked and planned it, they both already said they didn't want to, but maybe with each other they could open that exception. Their relationship was full of exceptions, because ever since they met, they hadn't imagined doing anything but each other and building a family was tempting as the relationship progressed.
They also talked that they were not prepared, this conversation took place in the first nights they spent together and Jay used protection, however, they both knew that they were clean and that they did not sleep with other people.
Their first night together when she was with the FBI and showed up at Jay's house, didn't need a conversation or a question, they were in a relationship because that was what they always wanted, for years, there was no other person other than each other. Then the protection talk came and with it birth control.
They were always safe.
When they moved in together, well, their sex life kept going very well. You can't really judge, being that they had each other's bodies for when they were sad or happy, angry or excited. It didn't matter, especially when they didn't want to talk.
Erin has never had a problem with her birth control, but since she took control of her life, she's never had a sex life as active as the one she was having with Jay.
So if she was so straight, why would she think she was pregnant? Why was she at the drugstore, hiding from her boyfriend looking at a shelf full of pregnancy tests?
Her period was almost two months late and as much as she didn't worry about the delay it was undoubtedly worrying. She was wrong because she knew she should have gone sooner, but the problem with her father, with Kelly, with everything was too much for her and she ended up forgetting and blaming the delay on all the stress and anxiety.
She didn't want to worry Jay if it was negative. She knew she couldn't run away if it was positive and wouldn't hide what she did even if it came out negative, but she was thinking of it as telling him and laughing at his silly fear when it came out negative, which is why she was doing it when he went out with the guys to go to the bar.
Normally she would and Jay even offered to come home with her, but Hank had asked her to have dinner with him and so Jay asked her to let her know when she left Hank's house so they would meet either at Molly's or at home. . So why didn't she warn you? Why did she go straight to the pharmacy? The truth is that even with the delay, that wasn't what made her go to buy a test, not even the pains she had been feeling that she blamed on work or the lack of sleep, it wasn't the feeling that her breasts were growing and sore. That's when she got sick of the meatloaf Hank made.
That night Voight just called her and they ended up talking about it being time for Jay to finally be a part of these dinners and that wasn't what turned her stomach, this was actually excellent news, she wanted Hank to accept them and maybe be more cordial outside of work, Voight finally realized what an amazing man Jay was and that he was the man for her. However, that meatloaf gave something to her stomach, she almost threw up, but when her penny dropped, she sure as hell couldn't let Hank get suspicious.
She was immediately suspicious, mostly coupled with the fact that Voight's meatloaf was delicious and she loved it, so no doubt she wouldn't want to throw up. She put that together with all the other symptoms and she knew it was time to face reality and buy a test.
She was happy imagining it was fate when Jay said that Will called him and he needed to go. She didn't mind and said it was ok and that after dinner she would go home. It wasn't entirely a lie, the drugstore stop was just a small omission.
The advice for those who are pregnant is to pee on a stick in the morning, the first pee in the morning, but she wouldn't wait, her anxiety wouldn't let it.
He asked for a three-minute wait, but Erin could have sworn it wasn't just three, it was the longest three minutes of her entire life. She could hear her heart beating rapidly and feel the beats pulsing in her chest without even needing to put her hand to feel it. She didn't know if she was prepared for an outcome.
It's not like she doesn't want a positive. She didn't know if she was ready for either. She didn't know what her reaction would be after being negative, would she be sad? Disappointed? If it was positive would she be happy and excited? There's really no telling, she had to wait. At that moment she almost called Jay, but she didn't want him to be there, as she didn't know what reaction she would want to see from him. Well, what if she wasn't ready and he was? What if it was the other way around? Well, she was extremely nervous and anxious and when her cell phone said time was up she took a deep breath and walked to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror before looking at the test. She took a deep breath as she gripped the edge of the sink with her hands and just wanted her heart to be okay with whatever the outcome on that stick.
When her gaze saw "Pregnant 3+" she didn't know how to react. She was pregnant, she and Jay would be parents. She had her heart pounding in her chest and a thousand sensations and feelings passed through her body.
After coming out of orbit for a bit, Erin tried to compose herself and ran to her large bedroom mirror and lifted her shirt, which was when she noticed. It was slightly swollen, if you didn't think about it exactly, it was imperceptible. She had a toned body, she had everything perfectly tight in her belly, but a part, a small part was swollen. It might be her imagination, she knows, but at the same time, she also knows it might not be. She has no idea when this baby was conceived, she saw it marked 3+ but she didn't know exactly how many weeks she was. One thing she was sure of, she was over a month pregnant.
She then knew she had to tell Jay and judge her if she wanted to, she didn't plan any surprises or anything, she just decided that she would tell him as soon as he arrived.
However, her plan didn't work out and she decided that she was tired and Jay would be too when he arrived and she still didn't know how to feel about her baby nor what reaction Jay would have. Including the fact that Jay was weird after getting a few calls. She saw the calls some time ago and didn't question him. She just knew that counting the pregnancy with her tired and Jay probably wouldn't be the best time either.
So she saved the test as she didn't want him to see it and ended up falling asleep. She couldn't tell the time, but she smiled when she felt Jay coming up behind her, hugging her and kissing her on the cheek. With that she smiled and knew that whatever it was, it would be okay and tomorrow before they went to the district she would tell.
Again, her plan went awry when she woke up away from Jay's arms and when she looked for him, noticed he was no longer at home, he left and didn't even warn her, she knew something was wrong but still she was patient with him . She trusted him, she didn't think he was cheating or anything, but she wanted to know if he was okay.
That's what she did when she got to the district that morning and he said he left for the gym and she believed him, believed he was going through something that maybe he wasn't prepared to say, but last night he came home, came back to her, kissed her cheek and slept with her. So she knew that no matter what, he was still there, she just had to wait.
So she decided she wouldn't tell Jay until the end of the day as she had scheduled a blood test for after work, she had plans to tell him later in the day so they could go together for the test but his plans changed when a woman showed up in the district.
Erin held back the entire week, she trusted Jay at every turn, but his taking a vow of silence as a woman showed up in the district was the last straw for her. They were about to be parents and it certainly shouldn't start with Jay hiding things from her. She didn't want to sound possessive or jealous, but she sure as hell couldn't take it anymore, not when she needed to tell him that she was expecting his baby.
When she'd surrounded him in the break room, she hadn't imagined it would be the start of her worst months. Maybe someone he was avoiding because he was angry or didn't feel like talking or something, but when he closed the door he knew this was very personal, a personal that maybe didn't have to be resolved inside the break room at work. They were professionals, but she wouldn't wait, whatever it was she needed to know.
Okay, she hadn't expected that, she certainly hadn't expected to find out that her partner, her boyfriend, the person she shared her apartment, bed and life with, and now her baby's father was married. She would wait for anything but this.
He was married, they had known each other for almost five years and he never told her that he was married. She wouldn't mind, that was his past but for years he hid it from her and she was upset, they should definitely talk about it, she wanted to understand better but they were interrupted and that's why personal matters weren't resolved in the job.
If they were both being honest, neither of them was 100% at work. Jay's mind was whirling about Abby's sudden return and him having just told his girlfriend that he had withheld something from her for years. He knew he'd screwed up and he couldn't fix it now because he had a worker to do.
Erin on the other hand was thinking about her baby's father being married and lying to her. Was she thinking about how she was supposed to tell him she was pregnant with all this trouble surrounding them?
It was when Jay said he was going to leave to settle matters with Abby that she knew he wouldn't be the one she would go to the hospital with to confirm the pregnancy.
She hates hospitals and being there alone with her thoughts racing was totally stressful. Waiting for the blood test was worse than the three minutes. She was nervous and anxious waiting for the doctor so she could make some decision. Finally the woman appeared with a paper in her hand, which Erin believed were the results.
- Well Miss. Lindsay... - Obstetrician Stone starts. - I think you can start preparing mom... - And there was the confirmation, she really was pregnant. - Your beta HCG was 572 IU/L, you are almost 6 weeks and we need to start your prenatal right away. - She says signing some things while Erin was still staring at her, trying to absorb everything. She was going to be a mother.
The appointment took longer than Erin thought it would, but it gave her time to think. In the car she couldn't help a slight smile that came to her lips. Don't be fooled by that smile, she was completely terrified, she was going to be a mother and that was crazy. The reason for the smile is that she and Jay would be parents, they were doing well, they were living together, they loved each other and right now unplanned this baby would come and be loved. Erin decided that she was going to work things out with Jay first, she didn't want to neglect Jay's marriage and everything that came with it. She wanted to talk and be honest about what had hurt her. She knew Jay didn't need to lie now so they would just have to talk and finally she would tell him about the pregnancy, she didn't want to hide it from him, she knew he would want to know as soon as she knew and but she still didn't want to play the pregnancy on the subject until they talked about the problems they were having with Jay's marriage. She was aware that neither conversation could wait.
Well, what she didn't imagine was arriving at his house and finding him packing. This came as a shock to Erin. How is he packing his bags? She didn't get mad enough to want him to leave and no, it wasn't because she was pregnant. At no time did Erin think that, she wasn't kicking him out of her house, but apparently, Jay decided that on his own.
The worst pain? It came when he said "I love you but I can't stay, I'm still married". She didn't care, she told him that, she said that no matter what she could bear, but then who she trusted, who she was completely in love with and expecting a child walked out the door. She didn't have time, she didn't have a chance. You may think why she didn't beg, why she didn't insist more that he stay, but the truth is she was in shock, she didn't imagine that Jay would leave, when she found out about her pregnancy yesterday, she didn't imagine that in less than 24 Within hours Jay would be leaving their apartment unaware that she was carrying his child in her womb.
And why didn't she use pregnancy as an ace up her sleeve? She wouldn't do that, she wouldn't tell him she was pregnant just for him to stay, she wouldn't use her baby like that, let alone want to have that kind of relationship with the man she loved.
It wasn't a breakup, it was a break, that's what they were doing, taking a break.
I'm going under and this time
I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really
Got a way of driving me crazy
After Jay left the apartment she sat on the bed in disbelief, she felt like everything was a lie, that this wasn't happening. How could? How in 24 hours could she discover a pregnancy, a marriage and still see her boyfriend leave the house? No, she was having a nightmare and when she realized it was real life she cried. She just lay on the bed and cried.
The truth at that moment was that she didn't want to think about anything, she was sad and exhausted to think, this wasn't how she imagined her night, this wasn't how she imagined the day she found out she was going to be pregnant with Jay would be, but this was reality, this was life showing Erin once again who was in control.
She didn't change her clothes, she didn't eat, she did absolutely nothing but crawl into her bed the way she was, and that night, her first night in her double bed alone in over a year, she didn't want them. her six pillows, she didn't want each one in each position she made a point of explaining to Jay that they were her way of sleeping, the only one she wanted, what she needed was Jay's pillow, it was on it that she cried until the tiredness would take her and she would sleep there, alone, pregnant and heartbroken.
Jay was on the couch in the house that wasn't even Will's but Nina's. He knew it was a bad thing to be there invading their space, but he had to, because when Abby said they were married, Jay felt like the worst person in the world. He'd sworn an oath to himself that he would never hurt Erin, that he would never be the kind of guy she didn't deserve, but here he was, lying about his marriage.
He wasn't proud of who he was in the past and he wasn't proud of having kept that secret from Erin. It's not like he's ever going to tell her. He knew that's how she thought, but that's not how he thought, it's just that... it was very difficult to talk about it to anyone, even to her that he trusted 100%, he didn't want her to doubt his character. He also didn't know when would be a good time to say "Hey look, back in the day I was a drunk asshole who didn't even remember getting married until the next morning to someone I barely knew." And now? Well, the past came back to kick his ass. The idiot who said the past is the past should take a beating for saying that, his past was right in the present and apparently wrecking his life.
Jay wanted to stay, Jay didn't want to be the one who left, but for her, for Erin's safety, he had to leave. If there's anything worse he could say, it's that he never wanted to be responsible for that pain in her eyes. He never wanted to hurt her and he knew he needed to get better so he could come home, come back to her. What did he not imagine? That was the worst decision he would ever make in his entire life.
The next morning was the confirmation Jay needed that he'd made the right decision to leave. He struggled, he screamed and he had nightmares and they were horrible, Erin was in them and she had seen some before, she would wake up and spend nights with him watching the documentaries, but this time it was worse and when Will went to try to calm him down Jay almost punched. Will was faster though, the punch grazing his chin.
- Hey... calm down buddy. - Will says dodging Jay's hands. - You're in Chicago, you're at home, calm down. - Will says slowly to calm him down.
Only three people knew about nightmares, only those three people knew how bad they could be and that was Mouse, Will and Erin.
I need somebody to heal
somebody to know
somebody to have
somebody to hold
It's easy to say
but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain
She didn't witness it that bad, Jay whenever he felt like an affair was too close to home he would walk away from Erin, the only night he didn't was when Terry died and not because he didn't try, but Erin wouldn't let him isolate himself. That was also the week she ended up visiting Jay's grandfather's cabin. Voight forced him to take a week off due to events and Lindsay soon asked for time off too, as she was determined to take care of Jay. Having Erin in his grandfather's cabin was like everything he needed to feel at peace and better. It was in those days that he knew she was the one he would want to spend the last days of his life with.
And that's why he left. He knew Erin was the only one who could soothe his nightmares. Erin had a soft voice, a soft touch and sleeping next to her was like a cure, she knew even without him saying it, she hugged him and lay there still, without forcing him to say anything, she just showed him every day that she was there for him no matter what. He knew she'd spent sleepless nights watching him, making sure he didn't have any nightmares, that even though she hated documentaries she'd pull her covers into the living room and lie there with him.
However, Abby's return and the conversation about his tour and everything he did afterwards came to a head and he was scared to wake up having his hands around his girlfriend's throat. He knew many soldiers did that and he didn't want to do that to her, he would never forgive himself if she had a scratch on her body that was caused by him. The fact that he'd nearly punched Will was reason enough for him to determine that until he was better for Erin, wasn't ready to keep her safe, he wouldn't be coming back.
- Bro...
-I'm sorry Will...-That's what Jay managed to say when he recovered. He was drenched in sweat, his breath labored.
- Everything is fine...
- She was there, they were trying to abuse her and they didn't get out. -He lets her breath slow down. Will doesn't need him to explain. He knows that Jay was having nightmares about Erin in the war being abused, it was not news that Jay witnessed some soldiers abusing some women and probably dreaming that it was Erin was devastating.
- Hey, she's fine. It was just a nightmare. Everything is fine. - Will comforts him, but he was far from being sure about her being fine, about everything being fine.
As Jay woke up in his sweat, Erin woke up in his tears. The pillow was wet and she knew today was going to be bad, she knew seeing Jay walk into the district wouldn't be something she wanted to face, but she was a professional and she would have to. Unconsciously she ran a hand over her belly. For the first time paying attention to the presence of a mini being growing inside her, the fruit of the love of the man who walked through that door last night with no date back and all she desperately wanted was him back.
It would be an understatement to say that Jay was difficult to work with. It was the hardest thing she had to do. The other times seemed easy compared to now. She hadn't imagined she could hurt this much.
Both noticed the tension between them. They both wanted to ask how their night was, but if they loved each other as much as they said they could both imagine that the night was bad for both of them.
On the first day, there was almost no conversation. She didn't even have the heart to ask when he would be back, as she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to that.
Now the day bleeds, into nightfall
and you're not here, to get me through it all
I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
It all started to get worse when she started getting seasick, damn it, why the hell did that happen now? She didn't feel anything at first and the obstetrician informed her that it was time for the morphological ultrasound, she had to start with everything, but she wanted Jay there and of course, it didn't go as planned.
She was angry with him and was too sad to have any conversation. She also didn't know if she wanted to be in the confinement of the GMC, especially when the memory of when the baby was probably conceived came to light. Getting in the car with Jay driving reminded her of how he'd thanked her all week for giving him the key. That week she felt like she should have passed the key to him long before if she'd known he would do those things to her. In fact, she didn't regret having passed the key when the GMC arrived as they went home with that car and let's just say the car saw a lot for its first week with them, they know it wasn't very professional to have the way one with the other in the car, but they couldn't contain themselves.
It's there with Jay driving the GMC and her in the passenger carrying their baby was too much for her, it was too much because that's probably where he could have been conceived.
It sucked to think that in such a good week something good had happened, but at the time they found out, or in her case, it wasn't the best time.
It was hard to work with him and every time she could avoid him she did. If he could go with anyone else she would always tell him to go because she was working on something. She could see in his eyes that he was trying to be there for her, but she wouldn't have said I love you first, wouldn't have said she wanted him living with her if she only wanted him as a partner. She felt betrayed and not because he was married, but because of the lie, because after everything they'd been through, he was gone. She didn't want to go there, but every day things got more and more difficult.
Voight noticed, Voight knew they were going through something and it was no use threatening either of them, as neither of them opened their mouths. Neither of them took it to Voight when they confronted them.
I'm going under and this time
I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving
Got me sleeping without you
Erin began to avoid everything and everyone. She didn't go to Molly's anymore, even if Adam and Kevin insisted. And it wasn't like Jay wasn't going to, she didn't want any looks because she wasn't drinking. She didn't have the heart to leave knowing she wouldn't be coming home with Jay. She hated this whole situation.
Coming home was sad because she didn't have Jay coming with her, no silly conversations, no fights over what to eat or what to watch or when she asked for spring rolls and had no Jay to tell her to stop stealing his. , but even so he always gave in and let her eat. It was sad, it was lonely, and it wasn't how she imagined it would be when she was pregnant.
Jay didn't see her in pain or waking up at three in the morning to throw up or every morning before going to work, he wasn't there and she wasn't going to tell him just so he'd come home out of pity.
It improved a little, not entirely, but after a few days they both managed to be professionals. She won't deny that she noticed Jay's worried look at her when she would have to go undercover with Kim with two rapists who put drugs in women's drinks. He knew Lindsay wouldn't fall for it, she was experienced and Jay wasn't like Adam who would freak out not letting his girlfriend do such a mission, he trusted Erin and he would no doubt be there for her.
He noticed her distant from him and he couldn't really blame her, but what she didn't know was that he was getting better and doing what he never wanted to do for her. He realized that he was burdening Erin with her problems and that he shouldn't, shouldn't let her go through any of this. She was always the one to comfort him, in the nightmares when he wanted to get away from it all when Terry died, she showed up, she showed up at his house for them to go to the wake and she showed up in the locker room and caught him crying on the floor. She was always there, she always knew how to give him the space he wanted, even if she didn't agree, but she also always knew that he didn't want to ask, but wanted her there. She was always there for him and he wished he could be better for her so he wouldn't overwhelm her.
He never wanted and never liked going to the vets support group, he didn't think talking about it was the best idea ever, but he would do anything so he could get home, get back to Erin. He also resolved in just three days the annulment of his marriage. They needed a judge to sign and given the years, the lack of contact and the fact that Jay didn't know he was a married man, the judge granted him an annulment and as much as Jay hoped Abby would be happy, he hoped she would. don't come back to your life.
He noticed when the personal started to affect the professional, he started to blame himself every day when he saw that Erin wanted him away, when she was pushing him away. In fact, to be honest, he was the one who pushed her away. A few days after they broke up she asked him to come back, but he said he couldn't and from that day on he noticed her look with pain.
Now I need somebody to know
somebody to heal
somebody to have
just to know how it feels
It's easy to say
but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape
He said he needed some time in the break room and from the look on Erin's eyes, seeing the unshed tears in her eyes had the same effect on him. He felt like shit at those words and only moved on because talking about Afghanistan made him violent at night. He broke a beer bottle that was on the coffee table in Nina's house while he slept. He was getting more and more violent and he didn't want to say that to Erin as he knew she would ask him to come back anyway.
He tried to say he was in the veterans group and when she looked at him with tears streaming down he saw his heart breaking, he was hurting the person he loved most in the world, the person he loved most in his entire life. He never wanted anyone to hurt her and this time, he was the one hurting her. He still followed her plan, as much as it hurt, because still, that was the best he could do for her, all he was doing was for her.
Every day he didn't sleep he saw the same thing in Erin's eyes. He noticed how red they were, noticed how she looked like she wasn't eating and he worried, he worried that she was neglecting herself.
When she went on a mission he almost couldn't bear to see that whole scene, he didn't want Erin to go, he didn't want to because they were going through a difficult time, maybe it wasn't the best time for her to disguise herself, but she as always was very well. What made him sick was when she tried to assault one of the criminals and he tried to hold her but she didn't even want him to touch her and he felt really bad. He knew maybe it was the fact that they were dealing with rapists, but he knew better, she didn't want his comfort if he didn't come home. She took him away from any initiative of some touch or affection, she didn't want it, they would be professionals, work partners, that's all.
Things seemed to get worse every day. He knew that all of his classmates were watching them, but no one not even Ruzek dared to ask what had happened, apparently everyone was hoping they would get better, but that seemed more and more distant.
So Jay decided he wanted to get back to normal things. He wanted her to see that he was there for her still.
He read about detached houses and he tried to make a joke, because there's no way he would want to live in another house that didn't have Erin, but he realized it wasn't the best joke to make. He saw her trying, but she couldn't help but stare and grimace. It was a ridiculous idea. He also tried to test the waters on his birthday. He wanted her to be there, as she was the only person he wanted to celebrate with, but apparently he didn't know if she had that right anymore. He almost laughed when she said that the google calendar reminded her but he knew it wasn't necessary and that she was doing it to pretend not to care and that was bad because he knew she was trying to look nonchalant after he left .
Now the day bleeds, into nightfall
and you're not here, to get me through it all
I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
The whole day was shit, having cops getting murdered wasn't how he wanted to spend the day, going back to Nina and Will's house and literally waking up thrashing around on the couch and screaming wasn't how he wanted to spend the night, but it was the option he had. he had, Will ran to him and they both looked at each other worriedly, they didn't know what to do about it, it seemed to get worse every day.
Erin was advancing with her pregnancy and putting off any appointments. She knew that before reaching the 14th week the morphological exam should be done and she was giving herself some limit so she could fix things with Jay, but her life seemed to get worse every day.
The day he said they should take a break, she dropped Sara off at the clinic and went home, she didn't sleep at all that day. He then saw Jay try to laugh at her about Kim, Adam and her sister's situation and it made her angry because Jay seemed to want to act like everything was normal but it wasn't, she was pregnant, she loved him and she loved him. wanted home and he apparently wasn't wanting her around. She had to deal with her friend's sister being abused, dealing with two sex offenders and a lot of sexist who wouldn't take no, abusing and raping women as if they were objects. She wasn't okay with Jay, but every night, every day she came home she only wanted one thing, Jay's comfort, to know that he would be there for her and that she would be there for him, but what's the problem? Jay wouldn't let her in.
At least she was glad he got help and she wanted him to come home but he didn't, she was spending week after week with her baby growing up, week after week wondering when Jay would come back because she expected him to come back . She hoped every day he would run up to her on the way out and ask if he could come home to her.
Things only got worse when he offered separate houses, dinner and sex. Was he seriously thinking about that? Joking or not, it was idiotic.
His birthday was approaching, she had planned more than a whiskey for him but they weren't even together and if she was honest with herself she didn't want to give Jay and the team false smiles on the day they were supposed to be celebrating together his birthday. She knew she couldn't help but stop by, but she definitely wouldn't stay.
And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I'll be safe in your sound til I come back around
The death of the cops affected everyone, but did her mind take her to how was he dealing with the nightmares? She wished he hadn't, but she knew he had and she hated the fact that he hadn't sought her out. He wouldn't let her in, he never did.
His birthday was supposed to be Erin waking up in the morning and giving her a special congratulations with breakfast in bed and maybe a morning diversion, but she woke up alone like she'd been for the last two weeks. At work they didn't even have time, because the day was hectic and to make matters worse she killed a 14 year old boy.
She was going to be a mother and hearing that mother screaming that she killed her baby made her feel like the worst human being ever. Her world seemed to deteriorate more every day, she isolated herself from everyone, she lied saying she was fine, even when everyone knew she wasn't. She isolated herself from everyone and turned away anyone who tried to make contact, she didn't want to. She wanted things to go back to normal, but all she had was to close her eyes and hug Jay's pillow, imagining that she was in his arms, but the next day she felt like she would never be truly loved. That she was mistaken that she was worthy of it.
She started to believe that Jay didn't want her anymore, that he'd finally realized she was a waste of time and in that moment she knew she wasn't ready to tell him he was going to be a father anymore. She would have to go to appointments alone, she knew that at some point she would have to tell Jay he was going to be a father, that at some point everyone would see her belly growing and there would be no denying it, but she decided she didn't have the time to do that. Not when it was Jay's birthday and she felt like shit for killing a 14-year-old.
She turned down the drink, the celebration, she only went because she didn't want to stop wishing Jay happy birthday. She still loved him, even if he didn't feel the same way. She still longed for his return, even as each day seemed more unlikely. And telling him about the pregnancy would be like using that to get him back and she didn't want him to be with her because she was too stupid and got pregnant, she wanted him to come back because he loved her, she wanted him to do it because he wanted to and not out of obligation . And that's also why she'd refused when he'd said he'd take her home when he learned she was grieving over the boy's death.
She refused, because as much as she wanted him, she didn't want him to leave her at home and go away, she wanted him to stay, but apparently he just felt sorry for her, nothing more.
Jay was far from thinking so. He wanted to hold her all night, but knew he could end up hurting her. Each case seemed to bring a different trigger to him from his time at Rangers. Killing a fourteen-year-old boy, he knew what it felt like and wanted her to let him in, but she pushed him away, that's what she'd been doing lately, but he couldn't blame her, could he?
For now the day bleeds, into nightfall
and you're not here, to get me through it all
I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
Things really started to get worse and worse the day they stopped being partners. Voight didn't like female partnerships, but the moment Hailey Upton stepped into the bullpen, Jay was no longer his girlfriend's partner, the only person he trusted his back and he was the only one he trusted to keep her safe. Nothing against Hailey, Alvin and their professional capabilities, but they certainly weren't Erin Lindsay and Jay Halstead.
When Erin had approached earlier telling him about Bunny, he had been wanting to save her again, he really wished his absence wouldn't send her down the rabbit hole again. He didn't want her to go into that deep hole and if she did, he would never forgive himself. But Erin cut him off, she drew a line with him and made it clear that she didn't want him to get involved and that hurt, but then again, he couldn't judge her, could he?
Erin knew Bunny was manipulative, but what could she do if she was her mother? If she believed that maybe one day her mother would really love her? Well, add that with the pregnancy hormones and Erin wanting to have a good relationship with her mother, to prove herself to be a good mother to the baby growing in her womb.
It was then with the return of Bunny, the change of partner that things took a turn for the worse, that what was bad would turn out to be even worse.
She didn't blame Hailey and from what she saw Upton wanted to show himself capable for her and whoever wanted to see it and she didn't care about that. However, switching partners caused her and Jay to grow apart, she had a thought that was not what Jay wanted in regards to Bunny. He was gone, he was married, and he was apparently moving on. Really a full plate for a hormonal woman, almost two months pregnant. Life really hated her.
But now the day bleeds, into nightfall
and you're not here, to get me through it all
I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
But she shouldn't complain, the worst was yet to come. No, it wasn't the fact that imagining that in 10 years, the baby she was carrying was a boy or a girl could be in the hands of a pedophile like the one they arrested. She didn't find a 10-year-old boy's underwear in the man's house as some kind of souvenir and don't blame her for having entered the interrogation room armed, because she didn't regret it. Honestly, she regretted not doing this sooner.
She knew it was wrong, but put a 10 year old kidnapped, abused and missing on the scale, put her looking at her boyfriend or whatever they are at the moment and seeing him holding back probably because of Ben. Put her in the balance of being pregnant and knowing that now being 10 weeks pregnant, almost three months, almost the end of her first trimester, she would never want anything bad to happen to that life growing inside her.
You really can't judge her.
That wasn't the worst, her mother had been surrounding her lately. She discovered some rumors that Jay and Natalie could be dating. She knew she shouldn't believe gossip, but really who could judge her? She felt that her world was slowly falling apart.
So, that May 16th, 2017 would show Erin, that even if it was 11pm, her day could get worse. Her world could fall apart. And Jay leaving wasn't her biggest problem, the little boy dead in the trunk of a car wasn't her biggest problem, her mother's suspicions wasn't her biggest problem. Because after lying down, not an hour later she was feeling a very strong pain, she felt a strong pang that made her moan and squirm in her bed and then she felt something wet her legs.
- No... no... please don't baby. Do not do this with me. Please do not. -She started crying when she ran her hand between her legs and saw blood on her hand, she begged, she prayed, this couldn't be happening, she couldn't be losing her baby.
"When the really terrible things happen, we start begging the god we don't believe in to bring back the little horrors, and take away this. It seems quaint now, doesn't it? The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak, the fight that leaves you shaking with rage. Would it've helped if we could see what else was coming? Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?"
- Grey's Anatomy
