Song: Atlantis - Seafet

Chapter 10: Shouldn't Have Been Alone

"If anything can go wrong it will can go wrong and at the worst possible momen in such a way that it does the most damage possible."

- Law of Murphy

Chicago, IL - May/17/2017

You never know when the worst day of your life will come. Sometimes your day was perfect and at the end of it a tragedy happens. Sometimes it comes right away, other times you are woken up to find that your day has barely begun and it's already the worst day of your life.

Lindsay can't pinpoint exactly when it all started, her life was living proof of Murphy's Law. What was supposed to be a happy moment of pregnancy discovery has since become a nightmare, but she will no doubt classify the pain she felt and the heat she felt between her legs, taking her mind to one of the worst situations she has ever experienced. could imagine, was without a doubt the highlight of the worst day of his life. In fact she was having shitty days, weeks and months lately.

She cried, she begged and prayed for everything she could imagine that this wasn't happening.

- No baby. Please, please... - She found herself begging, this baby was what kept her sane these days. She didn't throw herself into drugs, drinking, or any problems whatsoever, for him. She even stopped with the coffee and as much as she didn't want to, she was eating it. She wasn't getting a good sleep, but she was doing her best to keep this baby safe.

She cried in bed and if it weren't for the sharp pain in her groin and abdomen, she would have gotten up by now. She felt a uterine contraction, but figured it was no big deal, but now it was proving her wrong. When that pain subsided, Erin stood up, only to see her white sheet now stained red. She was in tears, she was alone and she needed to go to the hospital.

It was really hard to change clothes and do all that alone and that's when she decided she was going to call Jay, she knew it wasn't the best way to tell him that he was going to be a father and that he wouldn't be anymore, but she needed him, everyone in the world. world, he was the only person she needed right now.

- Damn it. -She curses when she notices her cell phone dead. She couldn't call him, she wouldn't be able to call him and she definitely wouldn't wait for her cell phone to call for her to let him know, she knew she might be losing her baby, but she was hopeful he might still survive.

She wasn't a bad mother, in fact she had decided not to tell Jay, but she still went to her appointment. She scheduled the morphological prenatal and in fact the appointment would be the next day, but it was postponed as she would have to report to the Ivory Tower. She had already decided from the beginning that she would take care of herself to take care of the baby growing in her, but unfortunately life had other plans for her.

She got in her car and went to the med, she prayed she wouldn't be seen or questioned by any doctors she knew and she was grateful as she wasn't recognized. And she was quickly taken care of.

When you're born into the life that Erin was born into, you end up becoming a person who doesn't plan for the future, doesn't have dreams or anything like that, Lindsay told herself as a child that she wouldn't be a mother, but that changed when Jay came on the scene.

When she found out she was pregnant she figured she wouldn't want it, but even with fear and thought about whether or not she was ready she knew she wanted that baby. She never once thought that she didn't want him. It's okay when a mother doesn't want a baby, it's normal all human beings have feelings, but in Erin's case, she didn't really know if she wanted a baby until the pregnancy test showed she was pregnant and the blood test did. the same the other day.

She loved that baby the second she knew it was real. She didn't want to hide him from Jay, she trusted Jay, she believed that Jay would love the news that he was going to be a father. So even though they were quarreling and distant, she knew that Jay might not be there for her, but he would be there for the baby.

She unsuccessfully did not speak to Jay and when a nurse came with the monitor, put the gel on her abdomen and started to pass the control on her belly, when the woman said she had no heartbeat and she saw on the screen a blur that she didn't understand until the nurse explained the picture and she saw her baby, dead in her belly. The fetus was actually a little ball, according to the nurse, about the size of a brussels sprouts. A lot of people would say she was making a big deal out of it, but knowing that there, that little ball could turn into her baby changed everything.

In that cold room, with those white lights that hurt the eyes and the head, with a totally unknown nurse and alone, Lindsay discovered that she had really suffered a miscarriage. That little ball would never grow again, she wouldn't know if she was going to have a girl or a boy, she didn't get a chance to hear the baby's heart beating, she didn't feel it kick. She would be 12 weeks/3 months in 5 days. As she was nearing the end of her first trimester, she was looking forward to hearing all about her baby's development. However, at 12:23am, she discovered that he would never develop again.

She spent the night listening to all about abortion and its causes. She knew it was her fault. A lot of pressure, a lot of nervousness and anxiety... the nurse said she had hormonal changes, lack of progesterone or something, the truth is that Lindsay was off for a while. She let her mind wander to everything, to the guilt she was feeling, to the mistakes she'd made.

She was told that the fetus could come out on its own, she had to hear that her body naturally killed her baby and that it would naturally expel the fetus. She really wasn't in the mood to listen. Much less the nurse and obstetrician telling her she was young, that she was healthy, and that she and her husband could probably try again soon.

Who do they think they are to know about Erin's life? To say "ah,.try again". She was irritated and all she wanted was to get out of that place as quickly as possible.

Her request was not granted. First, she had some tests that her insurance covered and really, she was a healthy person, she just had the bad luck to have a miscarriage, which she also discovered was "common", 80% of miscarriages happened before 12 weeks of fetal life.

She wondered why life played with her, why they gave her happiness and then took it away from her. They gave Camille, they took her, they gave Nadia they took, they gave Justin they took, they gave their baby and Jay's and they took and they gave Jay and thank God he didn't die like the others, but the fact that he didn't even know their baby wasn't going to change. develop, it was a bad way to show that life took that away from Erin too.

She doesn't know what she did wrong, her mother never loved her and stopping to think the people who loved her are all dead, so it must be good that people don't love her, right? It was from that moment that she knew it was a good thing Jay had given up on her, given up on them. She wasn't even able to keep their baby safe in her body, let alone out. Not even her baby wanted her for a mother, who knows what he wouldn't become?

She started blaming herself and that's how she knew she was bad news, always had been. Her poor innocent baby is gone, everyone leaves and it sucks, but she should be used to it. It was her mistake to hope and dream, Erin Lindsay couldn't have that and that was her reality.

She almost couldn't leave the hospital, they said she needed to be accompanied, when she thought about who she had in her life, she knew what people to think about, but she also knew that she shouldn't put them in her problems, in her pain. Then, using some threats, she managed to get out on her own by signing a liability waiver.

Three months, twelve weeks. She felt some symptoms for the first few weeks, other symptoms when she found out, then she felt her leg wet and she saw blood. She wasn't terrified because it was blood on her white sheet, she had accidents several times when she was on her period, but the problem? She knew with that pain and those little spots of blood that she was losing the baby and she was right.

She went to sleep around 11pm, having a light bleeding at 11:30pm. Finding out at 12:23 am that her baby was dead and in the three hours that passed she heard all about miscarriages and everything the obstetrician and nurse knew front and back, because it wasn't the first or second time they gave this sad news.

Her day could have ended there, but of course not, of course it wouldn't be that simple.

On the morning of the fateful day she performed at the Ivory Tower, she knew she would suffer punishment for what she had done, but as the day went on everything seemed to get worse and worse.

Her mother was a murder suspect and was also a drug dealer and was part of what was killing teenagers and children. Great way to start the day.

Erin looked at herself in the mirror as she changed her clothes, she had barely spoken to the baby. She always said that she loved him and she promised him that Mom and Dad would be okay before he or she came into the world. There were few times, and now looking at her reflection in the mirror she felt she had lost everything, the love of her life who had planted in her the love of their life and now she was losing her job that gave her the love of her life. Well, it was ironic, but she should have known she wouldn't have it all.

The day went by and she could put it on the list to face Jay being that not even 12 hours before his baby died. She felt like shit for practically looking him in the face like nothing had happened, but she knew, it wasn't the best idea of all to say she was pregnant before he left the house and less than 24 hours ago she wasn't. most. It wasn't fair and she knew she was going to have to have this conversation sooner or later in private whether she was okay or not. She had no idea that this was their last conversation, that at that moment he had his mother's ring in his pocket, ready and confident to ask her to marry him.

What did she also not know? That conversation would come 4 years later. That after seeing Jay she was threatened that either she would drop the intelligence, or they would wipe out her and all the officers and detectives who worked there, that the intelligence would be undone and that was her fault.

Don't blame her. She lost her son and her job in one day. She lost her boyfriend and felt that her mother was a murderer. She became a deal because her shitty life record was too good for the FBI.

Now put in the feeling that she doesn't deserve to have Jay in her life and that she has lost the fruit of their love. Put the feeling that he's moved on by going to Molly's, laughing and having fun and maybe even flirting with other women. Put it on the scale that she felt that even if Jay loved her, she couldn't be with him, because it wasn't fair, he couldn't love someone like her. He couldn't have the life that everyone she loved would have, death.

She left, it was not at all advised for someone who had just lost a baby to go on a trip, she needed rest, but she would, after she left she knew there was no going back. She said goodbye to Hank, because he was the one who helped her not to lose everything, as usual. He already had a plan for her, he already knew everything. Even with Hank by her side she didn't share the fact that she'd had a miscarriage, she didn't want to look at what his reaction was, pity, heartbreak or happiness that she wasn't bringing a child into the world, a child that would be hers and hers. Jay.

Erin knew she was being the worst of them all, with her friends and co-workers, but especially with Jay. Don't think it was easy for her to pack her bags, clean the bed with a few drops of blood showing her what she's lost. Going to that bridge, knowing that Jay was waiting for her, but that she wouldn't be able to say goodbye, to be honest with him, because she knew Jay was a good man, she risks saying the best she's ever known.

When she walked down that bridge, it was like her 31 years flashed through her mind. Every thing she lived. She was abused in every way possible, she was introduced to the worst men there are. She gave up hope, but soon after she met something she had only heard of but didn't believe was real, love.

She had a family, she had a mother, a father and a younger brother. She had a school, a room, food and a warm place. She laughed and had fun. She got a good job, a nice car and a nice apartment. Then the loss of her mother Camille hit her, but for Hank and Justin she stood her ground. She joined intelligence and met Jay.

She had to face her fear, has she had other relationships like the one she had with Jay? Never and that was why she was so scared. However, that smart-ass detective found his way to her heart. Everything was fine again. But then, her way of being the perfect daughter, Voight's pride made her break up with Jay, she loved him but needed to show Voight that she respected him for everything he'd done for her.

Not enough, meeting her brother, knowing he was caught in a pedophile ring, that her mother only used her to pretend to be a good woman for what? Her sixth husband? Well, it wasn't even worse than Nadia being murdered, a girl she'd helped, who she'd loved like her sister and put her to the test that she wasn't good for anyone and she feared she would be worse for Jay.

Then he was kidnapped, she almost lost him for not being there for him and he showed her how much he loved her, how much he wanted her once in her life to give love a chance, and she did, she gave herself to Jay Halstead, she allowed herself to dream, to see a future, something she had never done before. And for the first time, she felt at peace, she held Jay's bar when he lost Terry, he let her in, took her to the cabin and a little deeper into her dark past.

For the first time she felt comfortable in suffering with someone, that was when Justin died, when she realized that Voight loved her but that she should learn to separate things, that that was the last time she was influenced by him and that they should give it some time, but it was also at that time that she knew Jay was there, that he really saw the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the legal and the illegal and he was still there. When Justin's death could be yet another trigger for her, she found her strength in Jay.

For the first time she let herself be loved and loved, this time for real, this time in a relationship that wasn't toxic, abusive or controlling. She was even happier, and little by little things went back to normal, but since it's Erin Lindsay's life we're talking about, she lives on a roller coaster, her mother came and the storm about who her father was and how much she and Jay fought over their differing opinions, it was back then that she knew why she was still in Chicago, when Annie asked her what kept her in Chicago, she came home that night, she came back to Jay, the reason she still have some hope. He did it because he was fed up with people lying and cheating on Erin, not that she was naive, but she had a good heart, one that she wanted to be truly loved. And Jay was being just that person.

Finding out about the pregnancy was a shock but it was Jay, finding out about the marriage was also a shock but she still trusted him. He never gave her reason to distrust him.

So, after thinking about everything, everything she had lost and could lose if she stayed in that city, she decided it was time to leave. It was time to leave her home behind, to leave the bad and the good behind, because as much as she loved her Chicago, that place brought her worst nightmares and whatever the future held for her, she knew it wouldn't. she could drag Jay with her. She needed to leave, she needed to try to start over, because if she didn't, she feared she might get lost again and this time with no turning back.


Manhattan, NY - Mar/2021

She never thought, after all these years of remembering that time so vividly, she had been through a lot, but that was without a doubt the worst of her entire life, because it was in that moment when she had everything she never thought she could have. and it was also at that time that she lost everything she had, that she learned to love and trust, but then everything she fought so hard to get was ripped away from her. Expectations, dreams, everything and she should have known what her life would be like, she shouldn't have them, she didn't even feel worthy of it.

The birds have left their trees
The light pours onto me
I can feel you lying there, all on your own

- I lost our baby the night before I left. - She says, now out of tears, Jay helped her calm down and gave her a glass of water. However, her voice was still low and weak. What she was thinking and remembering wasn't even half of what was about to come out of her lips, it went beyond, far beyond.

Jay is sitting there in disbelief at what he's hearing. He doesn't know how to react to it, he doesn't know how to feel about it.

- Pregnant? When did you know? - He's afraid of the answer.

Erin for the first time since she decided to tell them what happened years ago, she looks into their eyes and that's when Jay's world crumbles even further.

- The night before your departure. - She sees the change in Jay's eyes, she sees when guilt consumes him and she knows that no matter how hard it is, she's going to have to see it through to the end. - I didn't want to hide the pregnancy from you, but so much was happening at that time that I couldn't find time with you to say everything. - She omits the moments when he pushed her away, she didn't want him to blame himself, because she ended up blaming herself too.

- Erin... I... - He stutters and is silent again, he doesn't know what to say.

- I was almost three months old when I had the miscarriage. It was the night we caught that 10-year-old kidnapping case. - She says, the tears coming back. - When I came home that night and lay down, I woke up in pain and I knew I was having a miscarriage. - She says with her head down and misses when the first tear falls from Jay's eyes.

We got here the hard way
All those words that we exchange
Is it any wonder things get broke?

It was hard for Jay to hear all that. Hearing that when he was hiding things from her, leaving the house, she was just waiting for him to come back to her, waiting to tell him they were going to be parents. That she was scared, but that she still hoped that at some point he would come back.

Thinking now about the last two months he spent with her in 2017 took him back a few moments. How she wasn't drinking coffee anymore, how she was being more cautious even than Kim in disguises. How she avoided Molly's and drinks, how she didn't want Jay to touch her. Every detail of those two months he began to notice again, four years later. He thought to himself that she was being cautious, that she was taking care of herself and their baby, but Jay didn't know, Jay didn't know that she was pregnant, as he tried to get back to his friendly relationship with Lindsay and that's when he remembers he was right when he told Olinsky that he blew it, because that's exactly what he did, he blew it absolutely with Erin.

He couldn't believe that every moment, every situation he should have been with Erin, was with her going through it all alone, the discovery, the nausea, the fears and insecurities and the worst part, the loss. In the bed they slept together, she woke up alone losing her baby, their baby and he wasn't even there, he didn't hold her hand, he didn't cry along with her, he didn't take her to the hospital and comfort her as they listened the nurse saying about the abortion.

He was going to ask her to marry him, he knew he'd ruined it, but he couldn't imagine how much. He didn't realize that the moment she needed him the most was the moment he left. He wanted to be better for her, to be worthy of her, but hearing that showed him that it was in this last month that he didn't deserve her, that he was the one who hurt her the most of all.

When she told Jay everything, they both had tears in their eyes and their faces were wet with the tears that had flowed down. It was hard to open the door again, but she felt he deserved the truth, she deserved to know that he almost became a father. It was hard to listen, it was really hard because Jay was trying to get better for her, he wanted to be a good boyfriend and a good fiancé and a good husband for her. He didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night and realize that his girlfriend was scratching him and holding his hands trying to save herself from her boyfriend who due to her PTSD was strangling her. He didn't want her to fall asleep at the wheel and have an accident because she didn't sleep at night watching over him. He knew he'd used whatever came with Lindsay to keep himself above the surface, but he couldn't use her forever, he was supposed to be the best to be worthy of her, but he wasn't.

'Cause in my heart and in my head
I'll never take back the things I said
So high above, I feel it coming down

- Pardon me. - That's what he said first, his heart was breaking from everything he'd just heard.

- Jay... - She says slowly, it was still difficult to say something, it was painful at the time and even after four years, the feeling was very similar.

- No, Erin... - He interrupts her. - You shouldn't have been alone, you went through all this alone and it was my fault. - He admits it. - I wish you had told me even though we weren't even talking, even though you hated me...

- Jay, I didn't mean to...

- I know and I can't blame you for that, I can't say I'm angry, because yes I am but it's not that you didn't tell me. - He explains. - but Erin, I was an idiot, I knew I had been an idiot and when... - Jay's cell phone rings. He doesn't even stop to see who it is. - Sorry... - He says and decides to continue. - When I left, I decided to leave for you, to be better for you...

- You would have been better for me if you had stayed Jay, I could handle what was coming because I trusted you... - Jay's phone rings again. Jay takes it off and ends the call, but Lindsay saw it was Hailey calling. When Jay thought she was going to give up on continuing he decided to speak up.

- I know and I'm sorry, I was dealing with a lot and I know I was wrong to not let you in, by the time I realized that Erin it was already too late. - He takes a deep breath and decides to open up to her, to tell her the whole truth too. They needed to clear the air. 'Erin, I didn't want you to carry my luggage…' He continues so she doesn't interrupt him, because he knows what she's going to say. - And when I realized that you were always there for me, when I realized that I was losing you, I knew I shouldn't let that happen, I knew I should let you in And that's why the night you left I gave you I called, I asked you to meet me because that night I... - Again the phone rings, Jay picks it up, determined to hang up. He needed to sort this out and Hailey wasn't helping, however he was worried that something had happened to her and apparently Erin too.

- Pick up... - She wipes her tears, sniffles and stares at him. Jay didn't want to meet his girlfriend in front of his ex when they were on a very sensitive subject for both of them, he knew this conversation was four years overdue, but the fear that Hailey was hurt was also at play and so he picked it up.

- Hailey, are you okay? - Jay asks. He notices Erin turn away and look at the wall as he wipes his face, but she doesn't look surprised.

- Jay, you got me worried. Why did it take so long to answer? - Hailey says on the other end of the line.

- I'm running errands, why are you calling? Something happened? - He asks.

- I was worried about you, it's almost one in the morning, I thought something had happened. Are you still with Lindsay? - Hailey asks, trying not to let him see her insecurity.

- We talk later, okay? I have to go. - Jay says, he no doubt wasn't talking to his current one about what he was talking to his ex on the phone and in front of her. This was very uncomfortable.

She said: In my heart and in my head
Tell me why this has to end
Oh, no
Oh, no

When Jay hung up, Erin had already gotten up from the couch and was on her back trying to wipe away the tears, she cried a lot with everything she remembered and just like Jay's face was almost swollen and eyes red.

- I think you should go. -That's what she says as soon as she turns around, a little more recovered.

- Erin... - Jay takes a step forward approaching her. - I think we have to talk. - He claims.

- There's nothing more to talk about Jay... - She looks at him. - We can't go back in the past, if we fail or not, it doesn't matter anymore because it doesn't change anything. - She says. - I wanted to tell you about the pregnancy because as much as you may not have been there, he was still part of you. - The stubborn tear flows. - I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't do it to make you feel guilty, because I know it wasn't your fault...

- Erin... - Jay takes one more step and if he takes one more he closes the distance he has with Erin.

- No, listen. As much as it was the worst situation of my life, and it hurt, I stopped blaming you when I realized you had a lot to deal with, when I knew you were going through a lot. There was no way you would know if it wasn't for me telling you and I chose not to, I don't blame you for that. And the rest... - She makes it clear that she still has feelings for him for something else. - It does not matter anymore. - She won't share with him why she blames him.

- Erin, it matters, you need to know that...

- Jay, it doesn't matter because we move on. We live in different states, I have a daughter who demands all my free time and non-free time. - She gives a slight smile thinking about Charlotte. - And you also moved on with your partner. -She says and didn't want her voice to come out so affected, but it wasn't possible.

- That's not fair, Erin. - He says noticing her insinuation.

- Is not fair? - She questions him. - Jay, it wasn't supposed to happen, we weren't supposed to be together and everything that happened showed that. I know we hurt each other, I know we made a lot of mistakes with each other, but there's nothing we can change. Saying what we should or shouldn't have done doesn't change things. would change? - She questions him and he stays silent. - Jay, I wanted answers too, I know you wanted too, but none of that changes things, it doesn't change our past. - Wiping the tears away was unnecessary because they were back. - I don't know whether or not I was wrong to tell you about the baby now, but it took a weight off my back, a weight I carried for years. -She says, she protected her heart, and remembering anything that involves the mistakes she and Jay made in the past wouldn't help either of them.

- As much as it hurts, I would like to know, I would like to know years ago. - Tears streamed down Jay's face.

- When? I didn't have time, you left before I could try anything. - She counts.

- Simply saying. - He says, not really knowing how she should have done it, knowing that he barred her from any attempt.

- I didn't want to have a relationship for convenience Jay, I didn't want you to come back just because I used our son to make you stay. - She explains.

- I wouldn't stay just for him Erin. -He looks at her, trying to let her eyes tell the whole truth.

- You say you wouldn't have stayed just for the pregnancy, but at the same time you say you left because of me. You never let me in. - She looks at him and sniffles before continuing. - I think I let myself be so dependent on you that I forgot to make you open up to me more, I know you did. Her vision blurs with tears. - But not enough, not enough for you to stay...

I can't save us, my Atlantis, we fall
We built this town on shaky ground
I can't save us, my Atlantis, oh, no
We built it up to pull it down

- Erin, I left because of my nightmares, I didn't want to hurt you. - He says. - I did not want to hurt you.

- It wasn't different, was it? - She takes a step back. - I felt really bad, but I understood Jay, I understood you and I knew that you were trying to be the best for me and I tried to take care of our baby so he was healthy for when you came home. - She counts. - But back then, when I lost the baby, I knew I wasn't good enough for you. That it never would.

- You were, you were always good enough for me. - He counts.

- I was sinking Jay, I had lost everything and I couldn't take you with me. - She claims.

- It wasn't your decision to make. - He says and she looks at him. Bright eyes, full of hurts and regrets, secrets being revealed and hearts opening the wounds even more. Erin almost smiles, it would be comical if it wasn't so painful.

- When you left home to protect me, it wasn't your decision to make. And Jay knew she was right, it just didn't hurt any less.

Now all the birds have fled
The hurt just leaves me scared
Losing everything I've ever known

- It wasn't supposed to end like this. - He manages to say, his head down, guilt consuming him.

- But that's the life Jay. It never goes as we planned and we can't do anything about it. - She says.

- Yeah... - Jay whispers. She was right, she doesn't change things, nothing would. It would only bring more pain to them.

- I think you better go, Hailey must be waiting for you and you also need to sleep, you have to go back to Chicago in a few hours. - She says looking at the floor, she is no longer able to look him in the eye. Jay opens and closes his mouth, he had nothing to say, he didn't even know what to say or what to do.

It's all become too much
Maybe I'm not built for love
If I knew that I could reach you, I would go

Without a doubt, what he received was not what he expected, he didn't know what to expect, but he certainly didn't expect it. He hadn't expected to know that she was pregnant, that she'd waited for him to come home, that just before he left he'd lost the baby.

He wanted to know why she didn't tell him she was leaving for him, he wanted to know what happened to her after that and he wanted to know how everything changed so fast. But he knows none of that will make a difference, he knows she's probably angry at everything he's put her through. He didn't let the anger he'd felt since he'd found her go away.

He didn't think telling her side, telling her part of the story would make a difference in her life or even his. As she said, he was with Hailey, she had a daughter and they lived in separate states, how was that going to help other than make them both feel guilty or angry at each other? He was willing to tell her everything before Hailey called, but now, he realized it wasn't a good idea and the best thing to do was leave.

This time when Jay walked through the door they said goodbye. It was light, low and weird. Jay left with a lot of feelings and a realization that to say it broke his heart would be an understatement. He was wrecked.

He knew he had to let Hailey know she arrived, but his mind was racing, he was tired physically, mentally and emotionally. The day was pretty bad. He just texted Hailey as soon as he arrived.

- I'm back and very tired. I'm going to sleep and we'll meet tomorrow. - JH.

He saw that Hailey visualized and didn't say anything and was grateful because he didn't want to talk anymore today however he was completely wrong 4 minutes after he texted Hailey knocked on the door. Jay walked over to it and opened it.

- No, let's not sleep until I know what happened tonight. - Hailey says entering without even waiting for Jay to invite her or say something. She just walks in.

- Hailey I... - He turns around and she looks at him with concern taking over.

- Jay what happened? - She approaches him and his red face. She knows he was crying and apparently he tried to hide it, but it was impossible and it didn't do much good.

- Hailey, I really don't want to talk right now. - He pulls away from her and walks over to the bed.

- I know not Jay, but you have. - She says firmly and he looks at her. - We are boyfriends, and let's not start with lies in our relationship. - She says.

- We will not? - He questions her. - You lie that you saw Erin with a child that you thought maybe could be mine is what? - He asks, he's still calm, he's trying to make her understand that he doesn't want to talk and imagines that playing this against her would be a good way to make her not want to talk, but he was wrong.

- Jay, you have to understand, I already explained to you why I did that. - She approaches him.

- And I already said I'll tell you everything when we get back. - He says.

- Sorry, but I can't wait. - She speaks. - Jay, you found your ex girlfriend, you don't even kiss me anymore, you don't sleep in the same bed, you don't talk to me, you didn't tell me that you promised your ex's daughter that you would visit her. I've tried to understand, I've tried to be strong, and I swear Jay, I'm trying. I don't understand what you wanted to settle with her after four years, but...

- I needed answers. - He says.

- What answers? Ask why she left? What difference would that make Jay? Ask why she didn't warn anyone? What difference would she have made? Or were you going to propose to her four years later? Ask if she would say yes? - Hailey didn't want to play this one, but she was scared and that's when Jay realized he was making not only Erin suffer but Hailey as well.

It's in my heart and in my head
You can't take back the things you said
So high above, I feel it coming down

- Hailey... - He approaches.

- I'm sorry, it's just that. - She calms down.

- No, I have to apologize. - He claims. - I'm seeing how I've been treating you the last few days and that's not fair. - She doesn't say anything, but agrees. - It's just that... a lot has happened between me and Erin, we've hurt each other a lot while trying to protect ourselves. - He says and looks at her. - And I feel like I'm doing the same to you...

- Jay, you're not hurting me...

- I came here thinking that Charlotte was mine and... - He holds back tears. - And I find that I lied to Erin, that leaving the house was the worst thing I could have done… - Hailey takes a step back, not liking where he's going with the conversation. - She was pregnant Hailey... - He looks at her and she notices that he wants to cry, but he doesn't allow himself. - I left the house, I pushed her away and she couldn't get to me to say that we would have a child.

- Jay... - She takes a step to try to get closer, but doesn't quite do it, she's in shock at the discovery.

- She was alone when she woke up and found out that she was losing our son. I left Hailey, I failed her and now I see I failed you too.

- No Jay, you didn't fail. - She says and finally approaches, but Jay quickly pushes her away.

- I failed, because I don't know what to feel. I shouldn't have made you stay that night. - He doesn't need to say that night, she knows it's the night she revealed her feelings to him and they started their relationship. - I felt like I could lose you, just like I lost Erin once, but the truth Hailey, is that I was scared, scared of having to start all over again and so I settled with you, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have gotten comfortable with our relationship and now I realize that, I realize that I will never be good enough for you because I haven't been honest about my feelings. - He says.

- And what are your feelings? - Hailey says with tears in her eyes.

- I don't know and that's what I need to find out. - He whispers, he doesn't look at her, because he doesn't know if he wants to see her eyes running too.

- Jay, what are you saying? - She says afraid of the answer that she probably already knows, but she needs to hear from him.

- I need a break Hailey. I need a break from all this...

And she said: In my heart and in my head
Tell me why this has to end
Oh, no
Oh, no

Erin stopped at the door and crawled to the floor in tears, she couldn't contain them, she stopped believing after a while that Jay would one day know about the baby they lost, but four years later here she was, on her floor. apartment in tears. It was horrible, a pain she never wanted to feel, but it was impossible, she was suffering again and again and again, it came back to haunt her.

And the invisible pain, the one you can't see, the one that doesn't leave marks showing are the ones that hurt the most, are the ones that hurt the most and you can try to hide it, but it comes back, it comes back to haunt you and then you discover that that scar hasn't healed and that it's still open and hurting you.

Erin knows she wouldn't have gotten up from the floor if it hadn't been for a noise coming from Charlotte's room. When she was about to go to her daughter, she sees her leaving. Her little three-year-old girl, a blanket under her arm, a plushie in each hand, and it hurt to see that one of them was a gift from Jay.

I can't save us, my Atlantis, we fall
We built this town on shaky ground
I can't save us, my Atlantis, oh, no
We build it up to pull it down

Erin quickly wipes away her tears and sniffles trying not to show her sadness to her daughter.

- Mommy...

- Hi sunshine.

- Why are you crying? - She asks her mother. Erin walks over and picks her up.

- Mom had to go through a moment that wasn't very nice for her now, but I'll be fine, ok? - Erin says, she doesn't like to lie to her daughter, she doesn't want the girl to ease her pain because she sees that her mother does that, but she also doesn't want to make a three year old girl worried. - But now it's late, why don't we go back to sleep? - Erin asks, changing the subject.

- Can I sleep with you? - Charlotte asks her.

- That's all I need today. - Erin kisses her daughter's temple.

- Mommy? - The girl calls her again, and Lindsay was crying again, so instead of answering with a choked voice, she just mumbles a "uhn?" Waiting for her baby to respond. - Can you sing for me? - She asks.

Lindsay wouldn't deny her daughter that and she knew what song she was going to sing, it was the song she'd sung to her daughter since she considered her her daughter. Taking a deep breath and trying to get her voice back, Erin starts humming, standing there in the middle of the room, her baby in her arms rocking her from side to side.

- You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take, my sunshine away. - This was Lindsay's song for her three favorite people, Charlotte, Jay and the baby she lost.

That's because she woke up every morning without having him in her arms, but somehow, a good thing happened to her, his sun came into her life after all the storm. She wanted to be a good mother and she prayed every day that nothing and no one would take Charlotte away from her.

The end of an intense week arrived, it arrived bringing pains from the past and the present to everyone and unfortunately none of those involved could do anything about it, just move on with their lives, just try to be strong and hope that time would heal everything, that time calm their hearts and bring them the answers they so desperately need.

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away."

- Grey's Anatomy


A/N: Thank you so much for all the comments on the last chapter. And one that I've been getting a lot of is how sad the story is. Guys, I'm sorry about that, I didn't realize I was so much until you guys told me hahaha. Well, it's going to take a while for Jay and Erin to really get together, but I promise I'll bring you some happiness soon, okay?

One more thing, I'm in exam week and all, so the next chapter should come out next weekend or next week.

Feel free to comment and I want to know how you think everything will unfold from here. A kiss and good week.