Sorry for the delay, I know I've been missing, but if you want to know more, stay tuned for the author's note, but first...
Good reading!
Chapter 14 - Never forget I love you
"Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is and we tell ourselves it's all going to be OK, you're gonna be OK. But it's not OK. And once you know that, there's no going back."
- One Tree Hill
Molly's since opening years ago has been a bar for firefighters, with police and doctors as its main audience. That's because everyone was friends with the owners of the place. It was a place where they could celebrate their successful jobs, their losses and leave their regrets. Molly's was almost like a family.
Jay was the person who helped Molly's become the fire station almost 10 years ago, the location was almost the reason he got the job he did. If it weren't for the shot in the shoulder, dating Gabby who was one of the partners at the place, who was Antonio's sister who worked in intelligence, maybe he wouldn't be an intelligence detective. So why was he trying to run away from this place? Because especially today he desperately wanted an excuse to leave?
Molly's meant a lot to Jay, because thanks to his accident, he got into intelligence, but more importantly, he met Erin Lindsay. He lived many moments with her there. Does he remember their first night at the place and it's funny because out of so many nights he's had, so many people he's met and talked to in this bar, does he remember anything from years ago? It would be weird, but it wasn't, because that was the night he knew Erin Lindsay was just his coworker.
That night they were laughing and having fun, ever since he and Erin started working together they had an ease they couldn't explain, joking was the first easy thing between them and their professional partnership. They didn't share much in their first month of partnership, they were still just getting to know each other, but something new about their partnership came that night of them at Molly's. Jay had no problem saying it served, but he didn't get into the matter and the moment Kim asked too much, the joke died, he smiled and tried to pretend everything was fine, but when he looked at Erin, in that moment he knew that it wasn't just a partnership.
Erin knew he had served and they talked little, she didn't ask too much and in that moment looking into her eyes, it was as if she knew, it was as if she understood him. She wasn't asking questions, she wasn't judging, she just…knew. She gave him a knowing smile and gave his leg a gentle squeeze under the table, as if to say she was there for him.
She was, she always was. Jay felt safe with her, felt that she was there for him even when he didn't think she deserved it. People always said that she put too much trouble in their relationship but they didn't see what a good partner Erin was to him, she was there, the few things about the army he shared was under Erin's trust, it seemed easy with her . It may sound silly, but when she asked him how he did when he was in the army at the time of Antônio's son kidnapping and he replied "we took it out on those who didn't deserve it", it was a lot for him to share, but it was about Erin, she seemed know the questions without being evasive, without pressure and without forcing him to talk.
She was always there, she knew him and Molly's was the place where they became official in public. Their private relationship wasn't because they were ashamed to be seen together, but it was much more delicate, they both had their own ghosts and only they knew each other, knew their true love. Not only was Molly's stage for them to go public, but it was where Jay thought it was right to ask her to marry him. It was where he made sure that Erin more than his partner, she was his friend, years later his girlfriend and at that time he thought she could be his wife.
That's what he was running from tonight, the memories, the moments they'd shared together, the conversations and secrets, the banter and flirtation not at all discreet. Jay was running away, because ever since she told him she lost their child, Jay's mind kept thinking about it, he couldn't stop thinking that on the night of his birthday, she was pregnant and she was suffering because he wasn't with her and for her. having killed a kid, he was sitting in this damn bar on his birthday laughing while she suffered but she still went on his birthday and Jay couldn't stop thinking that was a sign, her warning and he not listening, he let her walked out that door, he let her out of his life and damn it, he couldn't sit at this table drinking and listening to stories about her. Stories he wasn't a part of, because he let her out of his life.
- And then she took the guy and we had to calm her down. Then Charlie appeared and said "Mommy, you scared the boy." - Nick says laughing, telling about a story that Jay wasn't paying attention to.
- I was going to say I don't believe it, but it's Lindsay, she's threatening when she wants to. - Adam says laughing.
- And when she doesn't want to. - Kevin says laughing.
- Remember that time in the teaser? - Adam remembers laughing and that draws the attention of New Yorkers. - Jay... - Adam notices that Jay isn't laughing or paying attention. - Jay...
- Hey? - He comes out of his derogatory thoughts and notices that everyone is looking at him. - Hmm... what? - He tries to return the conversation, practically he wasn't hearing anything about Erin's stories.
- You look good, it looked like you were somewhere else. - Kevin asks.
- Hmm, yes. - Jay clears his throat. - I... I'll get another drink. - Jay gets up without asking if they want one more or without giving them time to talk to him, he just gets up and walks to the big counter. - Hey Hermann... - He calls lifting his almost empty beer indicating he wants another one and sits down. He was already tired and just wanted to leave.
- So then he said I wasn't supposed to tell mommy, but coffee sucks like Jay said. - Says Charlotte telling her day to Hank and his mother. Erin in the case wasn't very attentive in the conversation, she was just silently nodding when her daughter asked something.
The three left the office and made a stop to get food. Hank wouldn't have time to cook and so they opted to buy something. Voight only asked what she wanted to eat and she responded with a "you know what" and that was the entire conversation the two had. She noticed Hank's gaze on her, she didn't say anything and was left thinking that he didn't want to ask anything in front of the three year old girl or that she was just all focused on the car. So much so that they stopped to buy Chinese food, but she asked for mac & chesse for her dinner.
Charlotte isn't normally this talkative and Erin learned over all these years of life to throw her thoughts to the side, she didn't want to let her mind wander about how she seemed to fit in so well with her old Chicago team, she didn't want to go there. which was why she was just trying to throw her mind into her daughter's conversation, trying to notice her and Voight interacting.
It was hard and she couldn't do it for long. Her mind went to the entire day of today, how she seemed to have been welcomed after everything she had done, after how she walked away without saying goodbye, she felt that the staff had a grudge against her for that and that they or didn't want to talk or it wasn't the right time but it doesn't matter because even if they looked hurt they seemed happy with her there and she couldn't be more grateful especially for the way they treated Charlie not that she thought they would be rude to a a 3-year-old, but it was the fact that she listened to her happy daughter talking about cookies with Kim and Kevin, about coffee with Ruzek that warmed her heart. How they took the time and went there to interact with her and how they were kind without needing to, they could have just avoided it, but they were good to her daughter. Not least because the moment they looked at her, Erin saw their questioning look, saw her interacting with Jay, but again, if they had, they just didn't want to ask there because it wasn't the time, she knew they had questions.
But Erin was trying to keep her mind from going to one specific person, at how he soothed and teased and laughed with her daughter, at how he carefully set her on the couch and covered her, at how his name barely left the room. mouth. It was difficult, it was difficult because their son could be her age, it could be their son telling about the day with daddy, but life wasn't like that and it seemed to be torturous, because she hadn't stopped thinking about it from the moment she that her daughter ran into Jay's arms the moment her eyes met his that morning. How did it look so...
- Hey kid, we're here. - Voight snaps her out of her trance before she goes too far with her thoughts.
- Oh, I'm sorry... - She blinks from her trance. - I haven't been here for a while. - She changes the subject as she doesn't want Hank to ask what she was thinking.
- Ya, I'm glad you're home. - Hank smiles as Erin helps her daughter down, Erin has lost that smile that few people get from a man, his deceased wife, his deceased son, his grandson Daniel, now Charlotte and of course, Erin, a daughter to him.
- Mom spent her adolescence here... - Erin says putting her daughter on the floor and taking her by the hand as they walk towards the entrance.
- Did you live here? - She asks excitedly.
- Yes, for a few years yes. - She tells her daughter and they enter the house.
- Feel free, I'll prepare the table and heat up what you need.
Erin smiles and takes her time looking at the house that was the first home of her life, where she was truly loved, where she had a real adolescence, where she had her first real family. Now here, years later, she was carrying her daughter, her own family.
- Mommy... - Charlotte calls her and Erin notices that the girl let go of her hand and walked to the sideboard where she had some pictures. - Is that you? - She points, but barely able to see due to her short stature.
- Yes, this is me, this is Camille, this is Hank and this is Justin. She swallows, knowing half the picture will be incomplete forever.
- Is she your mommy? - She asks and looks at her mother who bends down with the photo in her hand and now they are both looking at the photo.
- You know, I never called her that, but yes, she's my mom, when you're a little older I can explain.
- Mommy, why you never called her mommy? - She insists.
- I don't know to tell you the truth... - Erin thinks as she wipes the tear that flows.
- Did she kiss you good night? - Charlotte asks.
- Yes... - Erin smiles at her daughter.
- So she was your mommy. - She says without knowing how this affects her mother and Hank who stopped at the door when he heard the girl, he didn't want to snoop, but when he went to call them to eat he caught the scene.
- Charlotte is adopted, she was born in California, we were there on vacation... - Says Tereza. The four ended up changing the subject when Jay left and the subject of Charlotte was between them. Leaving Kevin and Adam thoughtful.
- What's it? - Tereza asks when the two officers look at each other.
- Nothing... - Kevin says drinking his drink, but Adam doesn't let it pass, he's going to take advantage of the fact that his friend left.
"We all thought it was Jay's…" Adam almost whispers. - You know the eyes, the hair... - He says and then everyone is silent for a while after Kevin agrees.
- No, she's just adopted. - Tess says without knowing how far the two guys know.
- But what about you? How can they live here with Cubs and White Sox to cheer on? Dude... - Nick changes the subject, he didn't want a tense atmosphere and apparently, with the four of them soon discussing baseball, it worked.
Jay didn't want to go back there and that was why he sat in one of the bench chairs as soon as his drink arrived, he wanted time, he needed to get away as the memories were consuming him.
- Wow, long time no see you here. - Will sits next to his brother. He doesn't get an answer and so stares at Jay. - Hey man, are you okay? - He puts his hand on his brother's shoulder knowing something has happened.
- Yeah... - Will laughs, Jay knows he's a terrible liar, so he likes to be sarcastic or he literally wished Will didn't ask. The doctor knew his brother too well to know that as much as he loved being sarcastic, at this point he was literally the second option.
- Is it the case yesterday? I heard they found another child. - Will says more sensitive. He found out about the case but he was on call and then he tried to call Jay but he didn't really care when he didn't get an answer as he knew the case would be quite complicated for them and he knew how dedicated Jay was in these cases. Will took a deep breath when his brother fell silent, a little annoyed, but before he could give up, Jay finally spoke.
- That's Lindsay's team... - He says and Will looks back, seeing Kevin and Adam and two other unknown people. The older brother takes a while to put the pieces together. He knows that the case has a connection to New York, that Lindsay was responsible and so he goes back to his younger brother.
- She's here... - It wasn't a question, the brother's appearance and mood was an answer enough. Will knew about the reunion in NY, and he heard from Hailey about the pregnancy. Two months passed and apparently the detective took a vow of silence on the matter, but Will was the big brother and persistent, he would see how far he could go with his brother. - How was working with her after these two months? And after what did you find out? - Maybe for the first time that night, Jay really looked at his brother.
- I had to work, the case didn't let me think much about our unborn child, but it didn't stop me from making me think that if maybe she had the baby and I found out I have a child that was in the hands of the killer or.. or...
- Jay...
- There was also her daughter who is the age of our son could be, and all I could think was what if she was expecting a girl? I kept thinking about it, whenever I looked at Charlotte I imagined that that child could be mine, it could be our daughter and I wouldn't be interacting with Erin's daughter, I would be interacting with my daughter...
- Not you...
- And now I can't even sit with her co-workers, because I can't sit there listening to her life, knowing she's moved on. She has a daughter but what about me? Is it fair for me to walk into the break room and see Charlotte always remember what I've lost?
- Was she in the district? - Will finally manages to say something.
- Yes, she had no one to leave it with.
- And how it was? - Well, from the condition of his brother, Will could imagine.
- She's the most adorable. - Jay manages to smile. - I know she's adopted, but man, that little girl has her mother's way and personality. - He takes a sip of her drink. - You know, I enjoyed talking to her, but interacting with Erin together was what hurt me the most. I didn't want to go there, but every time my mind wondered, what would we be like if it was ours, if everything were different? - Jay says preventing his tears from falling. That's what his mind had been on all day, he'd thought if they were a family, because Jay had never doubted he wanted that with Erin.
Now four years later life threw it at him, showed him that not only had they lost this chance to be a family, they had lost their son and that now Erin was a mother, and he was not the father. He didn't care if Charlotte was adopted, he imagined himself being her father, but he knew that wasn't going to happen, in fact that was what he tried to keep his mind from going.
The two brothers sat in silence drinking their beers. Will didn't know what to say. He knew what it was, he liked Owen, he was there for years, he saw the little boy born and as much as his relationship with Natalie didn't work out, he knew how he felt every time with another man, how it hurt to imagine that he would be part of her family. So he preferred to remain silent, knowing how his brother loved or loved Erin Lindsay and that could be extremely difficult for the detective to witness, especially with the miscarriage.
Dinner was quiet, Lindsay talked some more, she and Charlotte were telling Voight about their California vacation. And Erin knew her daughter would fall asleep quickly seeing how her energy had waned.
Voight was in awe of Erin, as she was an amazing mother to Charlotte, he didn't have much time with her in NY but can see her being a mother there and now again. Erin was sweet, kind, and patient. He saw how she had a way of letting her daughter do things for herself, while she was always there when Charlotte asked for help.
Hearing Erin say that whenever their daughter has a tradition with the city she was born in, how they were on vacation at the beach made Hank rethink how little he did that for her and Justin. They went camping once, but it was traumatizing for Erin, and she hated camping, they had a few other trips, but in the years he took in Erin it was so much work, having to deal with Erin, Justin's teenage years, and then cancer. of Camille, but hearing a 3-year-old tell how she made a sandcastle, how she swam with her mom, and the many things they did together, made Hank rethink what could have been so much better for his family.
- I think this skirt will look very beautiful on her. - Erin says when she sat her daughter in the living room so she could play with her doll.
Erin left her daughter in the room, as Hank subtly said that the room was a great place for Charlotte to play. Erin knew this was a way of telling her he wanted some alone time to talk and that's what Erin did. She stood up and clapped her hands on her thighs, brushing off the imaginary dust as she walked back to the kitchen to help Hank with the pots and prepare for her conversation with him. She loved him, she saw him as the father she didn't have, but since Justin's death their relationship changed, she came to think that as much as she wanted, she would never really be part of the family, she also had those four years to think.
Being Charlotte's mother changed everything for her, down to the fact that she'd always felt the need to save Voight, the need to be good to him, to make it worth her to be taken in, she'd always felt she owed him, but after Charlotte, she never thought like that again, she never wanted her daughter to feel like she had to pay her for being adopted, Erin loves her daughter and no matter what her daughter does, that love will never change, she knows that it can only increase. Charlotte would never have to "pay" to say thanks. Erin snaps out of her thoughts and takes a deep breath as she enters the kitchen.
- So what do you want to talk to me about? -Erin approaches, picking up the dirty dishes on the table and getting straight to the point, her daughter would sleep soon.
- It never changes. - Voight smiles at her taking her plate. They are silent for a while, but then it starts. - What was it like being back? -He starts off softly, apart from the fact that he really wanted to know how she felt.
- I confess I was a little nervous about going back, but it was so good to see everyone back, I missed you all so much. -She is sincere, even if she has omitted some parts.
- Everyone seemed happy to see you too. - He says and Erin just smiles. - I know the reasons that brought you here are not for the best reason, but I'm still happy to see you here, especially for bringing Charlotte, I want to be part of your lives... - He says and Erin knows it's true. Hank called all these two months, he was really trying and Erin was happy about it, she was trying too and she was really happy, she missed him.
- She was very happy today, she was very comfortable with everyone and usually not so talkative with strangers, but she was shy only at first. -Erin smiles remembering how excited her daughter was today.
- I didn't see her shy with Jay... - Hank says and Erin stares at him, but as usual, he wasn't leaving that subject aside. - I thought they were good friends for someone who spent so little time in NY. - He says and Erin stares at him a little annoyed by the way Voight always has to say something about Jay. She just decides to explain it to him and hopes he doesn't insist.
- Jay met her when she got sick during the day. We were walking home from school together and when we went to the hospital, he thought Charlie was his. Between a serial killer and my sick daughter we can't really talk. - She looks at the wall opposite, the moment when she tells Jay everything is too painful, even remembering. - Charlie was at the office for a few days and when Jay and I talked, he ended up bringing her a present. - She says, ready to change the subject, but of course, it wouldn't be that easy.
- What's the need to have a conversation about it? Jay is not the father and that's it, they don't need hours... - Voight says looking at her.
- Jay and I had things to take care of and...
- Erin, when you left I told you not to look back. You had to move on and so did Jay. When he asked about you I assured him that you moved on just as he should. - He says and it catches her off guard, but not enough for Hank to notice.
- That's when, at this point, for our relationship to come back and be better than it was before, you need to stop making decisions that concern me, and my personal life. - She looks at him and says firmly.
- I don't think helping you see things better is not letting you make decisions, kid. - Voight says and Erin almost laughs.
- Do not you think? - She says with sarcasm, but soon decides not to go down that path with Voight. She wants reconciliation as much as he does. - You think so, but I don't, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't make more decisions that affect me without first asking me and waiting for my answer. Please. - She says and Voight doesn't say anything, neither denies nor confirms.
- What did you and Jay need to talk about so much? - He stares at her.
- I think it only concerns him and me. - She cuts him off, but knowing Voight it's clear he doesn't give up.
- I thought we were starting over without lies. He walks over to the table and leans against it, still looking at Erin and now with his arms crossed.
- This is not lies, it's just not a subject you need to know, if I ever get interested, I'll tell you, it's not all about my life that I need to share. - She comments.
- If you don't want to tell, it's because you're hiding something from me. - Voight says and she huffs at that. - No, it's just that we're trying here... - He says seeing how she snorted and stared at him. - Not to mention we're talking about my detective here. I think I deserved to know. - He says, he's not ashamed of what he says, he thinks he's in the right and that's it.
- What me and your detective... - She stares at him. - ...we talked, don't interfere with his work, Hank. I live in another state, Jay is dating Hailey and I have a three year old daughter to take care of, I don't know why you insist so much on always having a reason to question me when it comes to Jay. I'm already tired. - She says and starts walking.
- Erin... - Voight calls out to her as she passes him.
- No... - She stops before leaving the kitchen and turns to him. - You made decisions for me, interfered in my life. Before, not now. - She says it with class. - Today, I accepted dinner thinking we would have a fresh start Hank, but it seems like a day working in intelligence and a dinner with you is like I went back five years and not but good parts. - She holds her tear from falling, she doesn't want to cry in front of him. - Listen to me, I'm really trying here, but I'm not going, go back to what I lived years ago and if you're not willing to accept that I'm an adult and I make my own decisions, then we shouldn't try. - She says and wanted to leave, but he wants to talk.
- Listen, I just want what's best for you. - He says and before he continues, Erin speaks.
- And I thank you for that. Thank you for having welcomed me and given me this wonderful life that I have. - She smiles with her bright eyes and they meet in the middle of the kitchen. Erin takes his hand. - Everything I am I thank you, if you hadn't found me and brought me here, I don't know what would have become of me, but Hank, I'm not that girl you found on the street anymore. I'm a woman now and I know how to fight my fights alone, I want to fight them alone. And all I want from you is just your support, okay? - She says and that's when she can swear she sees a tear fall from him.
- I'm sorry... It's just, I feel like I failed you so much, all I ever wanted was to protect you, but I think it's not always the best choice. -He says looking into her eyes and she smiles softly, shaking her head at her last speech.
- Is not...
- I trust you, more than you can imagine, it's just hard and I promise you that I will let you live your life without being the one who makes the decisions for you or dictates your life. When I said you are all I have I meant it...I
- know I'm not really your daughter and there's a difference between Camille and Justin and I..." Voight stares at her stunned for her saying that, but she continues. - But I said you were my family Hank, you are the one who took me in, who took care of me and when I look at my daughter, I want her to know that I love her, that I will do anything for her, but I learned from our relationship that being too protective isn't always good. - She says and Voight is silent until he can gather everything he wants to say, everything he needs to say.
- I told you about the daughter we lost.. - She nods, even though she knows it wasn't a question. - Even if she was born Erin, you would come to live with our family, because you are part of it! I'm sorry if I ever made you think you were someone less important, but you're not! - He exclaims this with conviction. - Me and Camille wanted to legally adopt you, you know? - He says and looks at Erin's look of surprise.
- What? - His voice fails.
- We wanted you to be officially ours, we didn't tell you anything because we didn't want to give you high expectations at the time. We tried everything but Bunny didn't open up about you, she said she would die before signing a contract passing her custody to me. You weren't officially adopted, but Camille and I consider you our daughter and Justin has always seen you as the big sister. You were the one he'd run to for shelter ever since, from the time your relationship started when you moved out to when he was older and a father. - He gives a slight smile. - I know I didn't do a good job demonstrating this and being the best family the three of you deserved...
- Hank...
- No, listen to me. I've seen and heard you with Charlotte, how you take time for the two of you, how you take trips to California and how she loves you. How she loves every moment with her mother. You are an amazing mother, Erin. Camille is proud of you and I know it because I am proud of you. -The tears that Erin was trying to hide were running down her face. - I know I wasn't the best...
- You were, the best you could, you always did and gave your best in your conditions of having to deal with job and family at that time. One thing I've learned as a mother, Hank, and to be honest with myself I'm still trying not to do, is to never compare yourself to other parents. - She wipes the tear and smiles at him. - You gave me the best life back then, did the best you could for me. You guys gave me love and a family and I learned that not all families are perfect, but we had love in ours. - She smiles at him. - And I'm very grateful for that.
The conversation between Hank and Erin ended in tears, being rare moments when Erin saw Hank cry.
Releasing all those feelings was worth it. It was necessary for them to move forward. It was necessary for their relationship to take a new direction, a healthier path where Erin and Hank would be close without feeling like they owed each other anything. Without having the feeling that he wasn't part of it. They both knew they had a long way to go, but just like years ago, Voight assured her the moment she picked up her daughter and walked down to the hotel that they were staying that no matter what, there was one thing she needed to know.
- Never forget I love you. -He tells her and she smiles at him before putting her daughter in her arms and going up the elevator to her room.
She wouldn't forget, she would never forget. Voight was the first person who gave her true love, a father's love, and a family's love. No matter what happened, she would never doubt it.
"Mama told me that, sometimes people have to cry out all their tears, to make room for a heart full of smiles."
- One Tree Hill
A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I was a little confused about this one, but it took days, hours writing and erasing it haha. This chapter was written like 5 times, really. I kind of got stuck on the part of Jay and the memories at Molly's and what I wanted to abort about Erin and Hank and how I wanted to show their relationship. Don't worry there's still a little more Hank and Erin and the process of being healthier with each other and we'll also see more of Will and Jay.
About my disappearance, well, right after my exam I was without internet for two weeks, which hurt me a lot, because in addition to writing here, I also work as a writer and that was really bad. Just last week I finally managed to install internet in my own room together with my roommate and so it's finally working. Yay.
It took me a while to bring it because besides having to write for my work, I didn't want to bring you anything poorly done or just with a thousand words and without connecting the dots, I hope this chapter didn't end up like that, I really hope that you liked it, I felt like I lost my grip on this one, but I'm recovering.
Now about the next updates...
For those who saw the saga of my test, well I passed it! And now I'm officially a medicine student! YAY! This is my dream, so I'm extremely happy, but it means I need to study hard and even though my classes haven't started I'm in another country and I work too. Which means that on this mini vacation I literally have to sort out a lot of paperwork and paperwork. But I'll try to bring you an extra chapter before my classes start, but no promises.
But don't give up on this story, I'm still here. I really hope you enjoyed it and until the next chapter. XOXO.
