Music: Come back... be here by Taylor Swift
Chapter 17: Closer
"The happiest moments will also be a little sad"
- This is us
Spring in Chicago had its ups and downs, sometimes cold and sometimes hot before summer finally arrived for the windy city's inhabitants and tourists alike. The sun at that time used to rise very early, so at 6am, a ray of light invaded Jay Halstead's apartment room.
The light shone on her sleepy face, but last night's sleep and wine hangover was making her snuggle even closer into the warm, comfortable bed she was sleeping in.
Her face creased and she snorted into the sunlight and she was about to turn away when she heard her daughter's laughter in the distance. She didn't know how to explain where it was coming from, but it put her on alert as her mind brought a few flashes of memory to her.
Erin doesn't remember arriving at the hotel, in fact all she remembers is that she was in the doorway of Jay's apartment and then it's like her memory has been erased.
In one quick movement she sits up in bed, and she would have done anything else if it weren't for the headache that hit her as soon as she got up. Erin put her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes, waiting for the pain to subside. When she got more control, she looked around her, it wasn't her hotel, it was still Jay's house, she supposed.
In a quick check Erin looked at her body under the covers and sighed with relief, she was still dressed in the same clothes as the day before. Quickly, another memory came to her mind, she had a flight to catch and so she herself in pain jumped out of bed grabbing her shoes from the floor and running out of the room.
- Hey, I saw that... - Jay accuses the girl when he sees her stealing a piece of chopped chocolate and tickles Charlotte and the girl laughs.
- What? What... - Erin leaves Jay's room stunned watching the scene. Her daughter sitting on top of the counter with a bowl between her little legs and Jay beside her doing something that Erin can't see from her position.
- Mommy, Jay and I are making pancakes for breakfast. - Charlotte says excitedly to her mother that she is approaching her.
- Jay ... - Erin is still trying to get back to the living so she's a little slow in her thoughts. - Jay... I thank you, but we have to go, we have a flight soon and I don't even know what time it is, but that sun outside means we're late. -Erin says taking the bowl and putting it next to her daughter ready to pull the girl into her arms.
- Hey, it's okay... - Jay stops Erin's movements. - Tess called 10 minutes ago and said the flight was canceled due to some engine failure or something and that you were rescheduled for 10:30am. - Jay counts.
- What? - Erin stares at him. - Did you, did you talk to Tereza? - She asks still confused.
- Sorry I didn't warn you, but I even called you, you just turned to the side and I thought I'd answer, you didn't come back to the hotel yesterday, I thought she might be worried and I thought I'd let you know. - Jay explains.
- By the way, why didn't we go home yesterday? What happened? - Erin asks.
- Why don't you take it from here... - Jay puts a pill for the headache he knows Erin is feeling in the palm of her hand and a bottle of water with it. He was going to leave it in the bedroom, but Erin woke up first. - And there's coffee over there if you want it. - He points to his coffee pot and stares at her. Erin watches him silently, but the look in her eyes says a lot. She was almost smiling about how well he knew her. - I told Tess I'd drop you off at the hotel as soon as you woke up. And Charlotte asked for pancakes for breakfast. - He tries to explain himself and Erin begins to see his insecurity.
Before saying anything, Erin takes a pill and Charlotte decides to include herself in the mix.
- Are you hurt mommy? - She looks at her worriedly, associating the pill with illness or injury.
- No, my sweet, mommy has just a slight headache. - Erin smiles at her reassuring daughter and then looks at Jay giving a slight smile before returning to her daughter. - Guess you're going to have pancakes after all. - Erin kisses her daughter's forehead and heads for Jay's coffee pot. She takes the mug and fills it with the almost black liquid and drinks it turning to Jay. - You make really good coffee. - She praises and closes her eyes enjoying the hot drink.
- You're just saying that because you need coffee. - Jay laughs.
- You might be right. - She smiles back.
- Go go, let's make the pancakes. - Charlotte interrupts both eager for their promised pancakes.
- Okay, we just need to mix this from here... - Jay throws the penultimate ingredient while asking the girl to stir the bowl for him.
Erin tries to remember the day before, but it's difficult as the scene ahead of her takes her mind to a world she shouldn't. Taking another sip, shaking her head taking her mind off things she shouldn't be thinking about, Erin starts to approach the counter, her daughter currently has her back to her and Jay watches her, but Erin looks away.
- What is it? - Erin asks approaching a much smaller bowl and putting her finger taking a little of what she imagines to be chocolate.
- I didn't have chocolate chips, but I had a bar, I think it will do. - Jay says now taking Charlotte's place in stirring the pancake mix. - And you stop eating. - He lightly pats Erin's hand and she smiles as she places another piece of chocolate in her mouth and stares at him. - You're just like your mother, you know that? - Jay nudges Charlotte who laughs sweetly.
Jay lets the girl drop the chocolate he chopped into the bowl and then goes to the stove to heat up the skillet.
- Okay, before we go to the stove, you listen to me, it's very hot there, so you can't touch it too much, because you can hurt your little fingers, ok? - He asks and the girl nods. - But first, only if mom lets you. - He stares at Erin.
- I'm just the taster. - Erin comes around the counter and sits down looking at her daughter.
Jay with a smile pulls the girl into his arms and takes the bowl. Erin watches every step since then, Jay puts the bowl in the sink, takes a ladle and his daughter waits patiently for him to hand over the ladle with enough amount to turn the batter in the pan thus forming the first pancake. Charlotte's laughter and Jay's care brings tears to Erin's eyes. He was so amazing and kind, his daughter adored him and then the memory of what they could have been comes to her mind, but before either of them catches her crying, she wipes her face and tells her to go to the bathroom, she can't. stay for a long time watching that scene.
As the two made breakfast, Erin made herself as clean as she could, made up Jay's bed she slept in and wondered how she got there, she was going to ask over breakfast. She remembers that she wanted to apologize but wasn't expecting her and her daughter to spend the night at Jay's house. With everything ready and organized, Erin goes back to the kitchen, finally the pancakes were ready and they could eat.
Charlotte looked immensely happy with her pancakes.
- Wow, you two killed it. It's delicious. - Erin says biting her second piece.
- Well, this little princess here, she's a Chief. I was just the helper. - Jay praises the girl who smiles excitedly and happy with the compliment.
Breakfast went like this, Erin avoiding looking at Jay as much as possible and both letting the girl distract them before the coffee was finished.
- I can help. - Charlotte says while she is sitting on the couch.
- I know, but mommy didn't do anything, I want to clean and you can watch cartoons, how about that? - The girl soon runs away from helping with the cleaning as her mother hands her her iPad and puts on a children's program for her.
Jay had already started putting the dirty dishes in the sink when Erin approached.
- Incredible as it may seem... - She draws Jay's attention who turns to her. - I completely forgot what happened yesterday... I'm sorry I came so late and slept, I don't know where I was thinking and...
- Erin, it's okay. - He reassures her.
Flashback on
- Erin... Hey... - Jay says opening his apartment door for Erin.
- Hi...
- Come in, I'll get the sheep. - He says and she starts to enter the apartment looking around. Jay quickly disappears into what Erin assumes is his room and returns with the stuffed animal.
- Thank you, although I wouldn't be surprised if he was yours forever now. - Erin laughs taking the sheep in her free hand while rocking her sleeping daughter in the other.
- Well, thank goodness she's sleeping, so when she finds out it will be too late. - He jokes and Erin smiles at him. - Do you want a beer or something? - He asks awkwardly now that he's already delivered what Erin went to get.
- No thanks... - She's also at a loss for what to say.
- Yeah... well, Charlie must be tired, I can take you if you want. - He offers, ready to bring all possible arguments to be him leaving them safely at the hotel.
- Actually... - Erin starts awkwardly, she takes a deep breath and looks into Jay's eyes. - We can talk? - She asks and he soon nods.
- Of course, is everything okay? - He starts to worry.
- Yeah, it's just that I wanted to talk to you about some things... yeah... I don't want to bother you or anything, but...
- It's okay, I wasn't doing anything actually. What was it? - He questions a little restless.
- Yeah... is there somewhere I can leave her? I don't want to wake her up with our conversation and...
- Yes, there is.. if it's okay to leave it in my room, the guest room is full of boxes and I...
- No, it's okay, if it's okay with you. - Erin says and he nods.
- Just follow me. - He starts and turns on the light. Erin smiles as she walks into the room and sees all the organization that is Jay Halstead. She wanted to comment on how nice his apartment was and better than his first one, but that would bring up the fact that they already lived together and she didn't want any more embarrassment.
Erin gently places her sleeping daughter on the bed and she soon hugs both her mother's plushies and Jay's, he appears with a light blanket and covers her. Erin kisses her and they both go into the living room.
Silence is what comes first. Erin knew what to say, but not how to start saying it. Jay offered her something and as much as she didn't think it was a good idea, she ended up accepting a beer, so she could distract her hands and have where to look away from her.
- So...
- So...
They both say it together and the laughter lightens the mood, Jay then decides to make her a little more comfortable, he figured she wanted to talk or vent about the Ivory Tower but he sensed she was nervous and figured the subject of Kimberly would be more relaxed and a good start.
- How did it go with Kim?
- Very good, actually. - She stares at him. - I missed her and Makayla is... - Erin smiles.
- Yeah, she's really cute. It is very sad to hear about her story. - Jay speaks and Erin nods. - I'm glad it's Kim taking care of her.
- Me too. - Erin says and starts to rip off the drink label with her fingernail. - Yeah... - Erin looks at Jay and bites her lip before continuing. - Jay... Kim told me about her father... I'm so sorry. - She says knowing Jay wouldn't want her to say that, she knows how he doesn't like about whining, but she felt she owed him that.
- Erin...
- No, listen... - She cuts him off. - Kim told me everything that happened to all of you and... there's so much I wanted to talk to you about but I know there's not enough time, so I just wanted to apologize... - Tears begin to flow. - Apologize for having left things as I left them, for not having answered you. I just dealt with my problems and I didn't think about you and your pain and when Kim told me all that I...
- Erin... - Jay approaches her on the couch and wipes her tears. - You don't owe me an apology, I understand you.
- But you shouldn't, you shouldn't have gone through everything alone and...
- I didn't pass... - Jay's eyes start to shine. - I had intelligence and my brother on my side, as much as I wanted you, at least I had them, but I left you Erin. It was you who went through everything alone, who had no one. I should be apologizing right now. - He also lets a tear fall while Erin shakes her head in denial.
- Don't switch sides Jay, don't put the blame on yourself...
- I think we were all dealing with our shit, so I can say that we both have our share of blame, okay? She gives a half smile and nods.
Flashback off
Memories flooded back from the night before and again her eyes were filled with tears. Afterwards, Erin was emotionally exhausted and ended up accepting Jay's offer to spend the night. They didn't say much, Jay just took a pillow and blanket to sleep on the couch after settling Erin who quickly fell asleep.
Jay moves even closer to her.
- Hey... everything I said yesterday was true, Erin. - He wipes a tear that fell from her.
- Jay ...-She holds his hand that is over her face.
- I failed you and yes it hurt me the way you left me, but over all these years, I realized that I did what I promised you never to do. Erin, when you needed me the most, when you needed me to be there for you the most, I left. I abandoned you. You trusted me, you gave me your heart and I broke it. You were always there for me and as much as I didn't know about our baby at the time, it still hurts less because when I saw you suffering I knew I wanted to be by your side, I shouldn't have left our house and...
- You went to take care of you. And as much as you really abandoned me, I understood Jay. You couldn't be with me, I was a mess. I couldn't bring you into the hole I was in...
- You shouldn't have gone through anything alone. - It completely encloses the space. - I shouldn't, because since the day I met you I promised to take care of you, professionally and personally Erin. I've always wanted you, always... - Before he could reason through her whole attitude, Jay leaned in and before she knew it her lips were joined as one.
It was nostalgic, it was new and it was like everything around them disappeared. Nothing else mattered. Erin couldn't fight her off and her hand was soon on the back of Jay's neck, her feet lifting to reach him. It didn't last as long as they would have liked when Jay walks away.
- Erin, I'm sorry. - He just stopped kissing her, but didn't pull away from her. -I shouldn't...-Before he finished, his lips were already joined again, this time by Erin. They surrendered to longing, in a kiss that brought out old and new feelings, but they couldn't have done that, they shouldn't have surrendered to the moment.
Was it lack, was it longing, was it love or what? They did not know. And they had to move away. This time the mind was speaking louder than the heart.
- Jay... - Erin stares at him, both bewildered, their mouths red with blood concentrated in the region and they were breathing hard. - We shouldn't... - She says running a hand through her hair in search of reorganizing herself. She stares at him, looks at the room with her daughter distracted on her iPad. Her eyes return to Jay who is apparently struggling with his mind and heart. The look of both says much more than their mouths are capable of at the moment. They are in an internal war with themselves and don't know how to get out of it.
You said it in a simple way
4:00 a.m. the second day
How strange that I don't know you at all
Stumbled through the long goodbye
One last kiss, then catch your flight
Right when I was just about to fall
Erin nearly lost the fight when her eyes dropped to Jay's soft lips. He was so kissable and he was everything her body wanted but she felt like she couldn't. It wasn't fair to her, her daughter, Jay and... Hailey. Jay was dating Hailey and here she was making out with an engaged man.
- I need to go. - She leaves Jay's arms, she needed that distance or her heart would speak louder, he was almost screaming.
- I'll take you. - He soon comes back to consciousness.
- No... - Erin turns to him. - It is better not. - She says, but almost without conviction.
- I insist. - Jay holds her and that look again. Erin averts her gaze...
- Charlie... come on... we have to go back to NY. - Erin starts walking towards her daughter who quickly drops the iPad and looks at her mother.
- I don't want to leave mommy. - She makes crying face.
- We have to go, baby. - Erin takes her daughter's tablet.
- But I want to stay here with Jay. - She asks and the two face each other nervously.
- But sweet. - Erin looks at her daughter and bends down to her height, leaving the tablet aside on the sofa. - When we get back you'll find Mac and her friends from daycare. Let's go... - Erin says, the girl seems to think and ends up getting up with her mother, but soon lets go.
- Jay, come home with us. - She says approaching the man and taking his hand.
- Hey princess.. - Jay bends down. - I live here in Chicago, but what do you think of me taking you, mom and uncles to the airport and then we arrange for you to visit? - He offers.
Convincing Charlotte was not that difficult as time for a three year old is not very long so she was hopeful that in days she would meet Jay again. The journey in the car was silent and at times filled with Charlotte's voice. Erin and Jay barely looked at each other. They still had the kiss on their minds, all the sensation they felt.
I told myself, don't get attached
But in my mind, I play it back
Spinning faster than the plane that took you
- You don't need to take us to the airport. - Erin says getting out of the car.
- I insist, I promised Charlie. - He says and points to the girl who is distracted in the back seat. Jay goes down and meets Erin on the other side.
- You used my daughter? - Erin looks at him seriously, but when she sees Jay starting to worry she laughs at him and he pushes her lightly with his shoulder.
- Do not play with me. - He laughs and walks past Erin towards the back door, but before he whispers to Erin. - But maybe I do. - He winks at her and before he opens the car door Erin stops him.
- Jay, I was serious that we can't. - She stares at him.
- I know, you're in another city and...
- Jay to Hailey... - Erin says even more seriously. - We should not...
- Do you really think I would be able to do something like that? - Jay lets go of the doorknob and stares at her fully.
- Not that you would be able to, but we weren't thinking straight and...
- Hailey and I broke up. - Jay says and notices the shock in Erin. She knew they were together, but as of yet she hadn't heard confirmation as apparently no one knew. And for them to be over, they needed to have started and as much as she knew he was free, it still ached as she realized that she had been replaced completely from his life. As a partner in work and in life.
- It was for...
- It was my stuff Erin, I...
- You arrived. - Tess appears and interrupts the moment of the two.
- Yes... - Erin turns her back on Jay and smiles at her friend, which the younger woman clearly knew was forced. - Jay will take us to the airport, I just need to get my bags. - She says to her friend.
- Yes, we already organized things, Nick is doing the checkout. - She says and faces Jay and then looks at Erin.
- Did you look at everything? Charlie's backpack...
- It was on the bench, we took it. Her shampoo and conditioner too. Don't worry, we'll look at everything. - Tess reassures her.
The woman noticed the strange situation between her friend and the detective and was even trying to exchange glances with Erin, but she noticed Jay looking and decided to avoid the subject.
Nick soon appeared along with the messenger and all the bags. There weren't many, but without a doubt more than necessary for the operation they were in, however they had a child with them and were on vacation.
Jay soon helped with the bags and soon all five of them were heading towards Chicago's O'Hare Airport. The ride was almost silent. Erin knew her friends had noticed the tension between her and Halstead, but obviously no one dared say anything. Charlotte ended up falling asleep and so the silence was even greater.
And this is when the feeling sinks in
I don't wanna miss you like this
Come back, be here
Come back, be here
I guess you're in New York today
I don't wanna need you this way
Come back, be here
Come back, be here
- I've always heard good things about this restaurant. - Tess points to a restaurant they are passing.
- And is! - Erin speaks. - Once Jay and I went, and he had lost a bet...
- No... in this restaurant you lost the bet. - Jay interrupts her.
- What? - She looks at him indignantly.
- We made a bet that whoever washed the most dishes in the week could choose the restaurant and the other would pay...
- And you washed every day of the week... - Erin remembers.
- Erin... - Jay looks in the rearview mirror to talk to Lindsay's friends. - lost the bet on the first day... - He laughs.
- I was tired from work...
- And I used to work with you every day, right? - Jay stares at her, but soon returns to focusing on the highway.
- But you were the one who invented healthy eating when you came to live with me. -Erin says not realizing what she just said.
- Well, I cooked for our health, we couldn't live on a combo. - Jay smiles at her, because he knows her enough to know that Erin would easily live on a combo.
- I would live. - She claims.
- That's why someone needed to take care of your health. - They both laugh. - The least you could do is help with the dishes. - Jay says and gets a push.
- Hey... I would help you with the dishes. - She pouts.
- Charlie helps me more. - Jay says and Erin stares at her with false offense written on her face.
Nick and Tess were dropped from the subject without the ex-partners noticing. They got so wrapped up in their story that they didn't even remember that it was Tess who was talking about the restaurant and they didn't even give feedback. The friends just stared at each other and didn't say anything, but they noticed the level of closeness that Jay and Erin had and they also realized that even as the years went by, the couple didn't seem to have lost that ease of getting into a subject.
The delicate beginning rush
The feeling you can know so much
Without knowing anything at all
And now that I can put this down
If I had known what I'd known now
I never would've played so nonchalant
When the two realized that in addition to having completely changed the subject, they were remembering moments when they lived together, it was already too late to go back and so they were again in silence in the car.
When they arrived at the airport, Charlotte obviously woke up to ask Jay to accompany them and not surprisingly, he did. They were still a while early after checking in and dropping off their bags, and that's when Jay decided to leave.
- Well, I'm going, but can we talk first? - The detective took advantage of a moment of distraction from Charlotte to call Erin. She nods and with her eyes asks her friends to look at her daughter.
Taxi cabs and busy streets
That never bring you back to me
I can't help but wish you took me with you
After gathering in a corner and out of earshot of Lindsay's friends and the ghoul Charlotte, Jay begins to speak.
- I want to ask you a favor...
- I won't tell...
- Tell? - Weird Jay.
- About what happened earlier... - She says.
- Erin, you think I don't want to... never mind. - He shakes his head knowing that soon their flight will be called. - What I want to say is that I enjoyed having met you again. - She smiles at his comment.
- Me too...
- I don't want to lose this... our friendship and Charlie... - He looks at the little girl. - Is it over there...
- I promise to keep in touch... - She puts her hand on his chest and reassures him. - I think enough time has passed, we can leave things in the past in the past, at least try and move on. - She says and Jay nods.
- It's a good idea. - Both give sad smiles, but that's what they manage to agree now and then the flight is called. In the farewell, after everyone hugged Jay, Charlotte started crying, because the girl didn't want to leave him and it was hard for Jay to see that sweet little girl being taken away from him once again.
And this is when the feeling sinks in
I don't wanna miss you like this
Come back, be here
Come back, be here
I guess you're in London today
And I don't wanna need you this way
Come back, be here
Come back, be here
2 months later
This is falling in love in the cruelest way
This is falling for you and you are worlds away
In New York, be here
But you're in London, and I break down
'Cause it's not fair that you're not around
- I think we should let Lindsay know. - Burgess says in the Chicago Med waiting room.
- Why? She hasn't been here before and...
- That's beside the point right now, Hailey. - Burgess interrupts her.
- I don't think we should think like that, he's going to be fine. - Kevin interrupts, not wanting to worry the woman who is in another state.
- He is between life and death, obviously she would like to be warned! - Burgess remembers again.
- He is not between life and death, stop saying that. - Adam scolds his companion, not out of anger, but out of fear of her being right.
- I think that if we call her now, we can worry her too much or it will be a confirmation of what we don't want to be confirmed. - Kevin says to everyone and lowers his head. Silence settles for a while until Hailey speaks again.
This is when the feeling sinks in
I don't wanna miss you like this
Come back, be here
Come back, be here
I guess you're in New York today
And I don't wanna need you this way
Come back, be here
Come back, be here
- I don't know why you care so much, it's not the first time he needs her, in fact it's not the first time that one of you needs her and when was she here? Warning her now would be like nothing. - She tries to get up but her injured arm hurts.
- You don't know her... - Kim defends her friend.
- I don't need it, I know you, I know your pain and the times you said you needed her and she wasn't. - She moans again in pain and gets up, but everyone is interrupted when Will appears.
- Will, how is he? - It's Adam who asks in front of everyone.
- His condition is serious... I don't think he can take much more... if they are going to call Lindsay, I think they better call now... - Will warns and everyone is apprehensive. They didn't expect this to happen.
Oh-oh, oh-oh
I don't wanna miss you like this
Oh-oh, oh-oh
Come back, be here
Come back, be here
A/N: I know I'm taking too long with updates, but don't give up on me and don't kill me for this ending. If you are reading please leave a comment.
