The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is off doing something somewhere. I just noticed at the beginning of Chill Barry there weren't any other office drones. I wonder what happened? It involves…

Another Fun Weekend Project

"Once again we're having another inter office meeting," Lana paused as she stood in front of the bullpen addressing her staff. "To discuss important topics."

"Like the other body we found?" Kurt shouted.

"Yes Kurt," Lana sighed. "That. Can someone explain to me how this one was found?"

"I think it's self-explanatory!" Kurt pointed to his desk. A skeleton wearing a sharp suit was on it. There was a hole where the ceiling was. As well as a lot of dirt and ceiling bits on the desk and the floor.

Cyril remarked. "That's definitely some kind of health violation."

"Yeah Kurt," Archer quipped. "You need to keep your desk tidy!"

"SERIOUSLY?" Kurt shouted at Archer.

"Okay," Lana sighed. "Let's step back a moment. How…?"

"Uh I can field that question," Pam interrupted.

FLASHBACK!

Pam was hopping along on a pogo stick in the office. "Do you mind?" Kurt snapped. "That's extremely annoying!"

"Oh, come on Kurt!" Pam protested as she hopped. "I'm just making the office a more fun place to work! And a fun place is a productive place!"

She hopped too high and hit her head on the ceiling near Kurt's desk. "Ow!" She stopped hopping.

Kurt laughed. "Yeah, that was fun!"

There was a cracking sound above him. "What the…?" Kurt looked up.

CRUMBLE!

Part of the ceiling fell down with a corpse in a suit with it. Right on top of Kurt's desk. "AAAAAAAH!" Kurt screamed.

Cheryl rolled her eyes as she filed her nails at her desk. "LANA! Pam broke the ceiling again! And Kurt's being a whiny little bitch!"

FLASHFORWARD!

"Pam how many times do we have to tell you to not use a damn pogo stick in this office?" Lana shouted.

Pam blinked. "Is that rhetorical?"

"Okay then," Lana sighed. "I don't suppose anyone here knows who this one is?"

"Actually, I do," Krieger spoke up. "It was about fifteen years ago. After hours. But I was working on the vents doing…Maintenance work…"

FLASHBACK!

Krieger crawled out of a vent in the ceiling and landed on a desk. "There we go! Good old trusty nerve gas in the vents! Nice and fresh!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"What the…?" Krieger blinked. "It sounds like gunfire! I should run away!"

Before he had a chance to do so Mallory came out of her office. "Oh good. I thought that was you skulking around. Get in here."

"Yup, yup, yup…" Krieger followed her in. He saw a man lying dead on the carpet. "So…Do I want to know?"

"No, because you might accidentally start a mob war," Mallory poured herself a glass in the ceiling. "Krieger, I need you to get rid of the body and the bloodstains on the carpet. And while you're at it refill my scotch. Do the last one first."

"Good thing it's the weekend," Krieger nodded. "I needed a nice rainy-day project."

"Remind me to never date a mob boss again," Mallory groaned. "Or ask one for a loan."

"Hang on," Krieger realized. "My corpse refrigerator is all filled up! And so is my backup refrigerator. What? I'm behind on my dissecting mutants! That's another project I need to tackle."

"I don't care!" Mallory shouted. "Just get rid of the body then the bloodstains."

"Relax," Krieger grabbed the body. "I had the carpet in your office scotch guarded. A little club soda will take care of that."

"Just do it!" Mallory snapped. "And don't forget…"

"Don't tell anyone, duh!" Krieger rolled his eyes as he dragged the body. "That's literally Mad Scientist 101!"

"I meant to refill my scotch," Mallory glared at him. "Or I will be very unhappy. You don't want me unhappy. Just ask him!" She pointed to the corpse.

FLASHFORWARD!

"So, after I refilled the scotch and cleaned up the bloodstains," Krieger explained. "I decided to stuff the body in the ceiling and covered over that vent with some spackle and voila!"

"Why the ceiling?" Lana asked.

"I don't know," Krieger shrugged. "Convenient I guess?"

"Okay you heard the man," Lana said to her staff. "That body was caused by the person in charge before me! Not me!"

"If you think this office is messed up," Cyril quipped. "You should have been here during the previous administration."

Pam looked at Cyril. "Wasn't one of those previous administrations yours?"

Cyril glared at her. "Oh, now you admit it!"

"Next question," Lana sighed. "Kurt you again…What a shock."

"Are you going to do anything about that?" Kurt pointed to his desk. "Or that?" He pointed to the hole in the ceiling.

"Yes!" Lana snapped. "Krieger you know the drill. Clean up your mess and get rid of the corpse."

"Yay!" Krieger grinned. "Another fun weekend project!"

"Let's move on," Lana sighed.

"I have a question," Cheryl raised her hand. "When is it Take Your Ocelot To Work Day?"

"RRARRRRRRR!" A familiar meow was heard down the hallway.

"Apparently it's today," Lana sighed.

"Babou is here?! Sweet!" Archer cheered.

"So, I wasn't hallucinating when I saw an ocelot in the copy room just a moment ago?" Zara asked.

"You were not," Lana sighed. "Cheryl we've talked about this! Can't you just get a pet sitter or something?"

"I did," Cheryl told her. "Babou mauled him."

"I'm concerned about a wild cat in the copy room," Kurt spoke up. "Also the smell of ocelot piss."

"Kurt, I didn't want to say anything," Lana sighed. "But you're starting to become known as the office whiner."

"Yeah, that's Cyril's job!" Cheryl called out.

"I actually do have a concern," Archer spoke up. "Someone is not refilling the vodka coolers! Whose job is it?"

"That would be yours," Cyril remarked.

"Why me?" Archer snapped.

"You're the one who drinks the most of it!" Cyril snapped.

"So does Pam!" Archer snapped. "She drinks just as much as I do!"

"Thanks a lot snitch!" Pam snapped.

"ENOUGH!" Lana barked. "Archer! You and Pam are in charge of the vodka coolers!"

"What about the water coolers?" Kurt spoke up. "For those of us who aren't alcoholics?"

"Kind of judgy aren't you, Kurt?" Pam asked.

"You love water so much," Archer remarked. "You refill them!"

"Fine, Kurt gets to refill the water coolers," Lana sighed. "Archer and Pam do the vodka ones."

"What? Why?" Kurt shouted.

"Because you're annoying the hell out of me that's why!" Lana snapped. "Next question!"

Pam raised her hand. "This is not a question. But I would like to implement some new cutting-edge employee relaxation and rejuvenation policies!"

Kurt spoke up. "How about stop stuffing dead bodies in the place and not have a wild animal run around endangering our lives?"

"You're really starting to annoy me, Kurt!" Pam shouted.

"And you guys think I whine a lot," Cyril remarked.

"Well not compared to Kurt," Archer admitted. "I admit that."

"Thank you!" Cyril said.

"At least when Cyril complains we get a good chance of a dark foreboding threat," Cheryl spoke up. "I mean it's an empty threat and he never follows through…"

"Yes, I do!" Cyril shouted. "What about that one weekend I shot up the whole office?"

"You did what now?" Zara did a double take.

"Excuse me?" Kurt said at the same time.

"That barely counts," Pam waved. "It was only your first mental breakdown and the only guy you hit was Brett."

"And he was like getting shot almost every freaking week," Ray added.

"Hang on," Kurt spoke up. "Are you telling me that on top of the dead bodies in the office and the ocelot roaming around the building and our Head of HR acting like a lunatic and the scientist doing God knows what with dead corpses we have a mentally unstable Head of Accounting?"

"Oh please," Lana waved. "Cyril's the least threatening thing in this office!"

"Yeah, you're more likely to get stabbed by Cheryl," Archer remarked.

"Or shot by Archer," Cheryl added. "Or get some weird sexually transmitted disease by him."

"Or stabbed by Archer," Pam added.

"Or eaten by one of Krieger's unholy science experiments!" Ray added.

"Said by one of Krieger's unholy science experiments," Archer quipped.

Kurt gulped. "Okay I feel like we need to talk about workplace safety because I don't feel really safe right now!"

"I don't feel safe from your whining," Pam remarked. "Why can't you shut your dick holster?"

"That is assault!" Kurt shouted.

"I didn't even touch you!" Pam shouted. "Did anyone see me touch him?"

"Verbal assault!" Kurt told her.

"You need to make yourself a lot clearer in the future," Pam told Kurt.

"You really need to articulate things with these people," Cyril added. "Oh, and by the way Kurt, that was nowhere near a real verbal assault from Pam! Trust me on this!"

"Thank you, Cyril," Pam smiled. "Kurt you are the equivalent of human diarrhea."

"Now that's a real verbal assault," Cyril added.

"RARRRR!"

"Hey Babou!" Archer cheered. "Here boy! Here…"

"RARRRR!"

"AAAAHHH!" Kurt screamed as Babou attacked him.

"And that is an actual assault," Cyril added.

"By an actual ocelot," Ray added.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Kurt screamed as he tried to run from Babou.

"So…" Zara blinked. "Animals running wild and assaulting people in the office…?"

"Yeah that's a thing," Pam nodded.

"CHERYL!" Lana shouted. "GET YOUR DAMN OCELOT UNDER CONTROL OR SO HELP ME GOD…"

"Rarrr?" Babou stopped attacking Kurt and looked at Lana.

"Listen Babou!" Lana snapped. "Stop attacking my staff! Endangered species or not I will make a rug out of you! Understand?"

"Rarrrr…" Babou winced and meekly left the room.

"That's right you better go back to the copy room and think about what you've done!" Lana ordered. "Cheryl, you clean up the mess in the copy room or you are next!"

"Okay!" Cheryl grinned.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" Kurt shouted. "I WAS JUST MAULED BY A DAMN OCELOT!"

"Oh, he barely broke the skin, you big baby," Cheryl waved. "I hardly see any blood on you! I've seen more blood when I actually stab people! And I've stabbed a lot of people! And set them on fire!"

By now the drones were muttering in fear. "What kind of crazy nuthouse is this?" A man grumbled.

"Toxic environment!" Another man shouted.

"Well not literally," Krieger remarked. "I feel like that phrase is overused."

"Okay! Guess what?" Lana spoke up. "Everybody except for the main group here gets the rest of the week off! Long weekend!"

"It's only Tuesday," A woman remarked.

"I said long weekend," Lana snapped. "What part of that confuses you? Core concept?"

"I'm out of here!" Kurt yelled as he practically ran out the door. The rest of the drones followed him quickly.

"So it's just us doing all the work the rest of the week right?" Ray asked.

"What work?" Pam asked.

"You know there's a good chance they won't come back, right?" Cyril told Lana.

"If only we could say the same for you," Lana grumbled.

"Oh, if only," Cyril sighed. "One of these days I will drive my car over a bridge."

"See right there," Cheryl remarked. "At least you make your whines interesting by an occasional dark empty threat."

"I don't know Lana," Archer remarked. "I'm not so sure these new people are working out."

Lana sighed. "Well at the rate things are going, they won't be here that long!"