Crystal Blue Persuasion
A Konosuba Story By Andrew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Konosuba is the property of Natsume Akatsuki, Yen Press, and Drive. Please support the official release.
I groaned and held my head.
"What was that? What happened?! Why did it..."
The crystal ball revealed a place all too familiar to me: The void where I went when I died. And sitting in front of me was Eris, Goddess of Fortune. My waifu.
"Oh... My," Wiz murmured. I stared into the Crystal Ball, as though my memories were slowly reasserting themselves. She smiled gently.
"We really need to stop meeting like this, my darling Kazuma," Eris said.
"I... What happened?" Past Me asked.
"You suffered a heart attack," Eris said. She stood up out of her chair and walked over to me. She hugged Past Me tightly. Past Me leaned into it.
"I... From that? I..." Past Me bowed his head, enjoying being tightly embraced by my favorite goddess. For a moment, I was jealous of... Myself?
Geez I'm screwed up.
"It's okay, Kazuma," Eris murmured, "This was... Quite a shock to you, wasn't it?"
"... I had a heart attack from being confessed to? B-By three girls? Who are... I mean-!"
"Kazuma..."
Eris smiled kindly at Past Me. She stroked my cheek.
"I can assure you... They are all quite honest. So maybe you should try to be a little honest yourself," she said. Past Me's eyes widened.
"I... They're honest?"
"Yup."
"So... They love me?"
"Yup."
"Seriously?"
"Yup."
Past Me gaped at Eris, as she caressed Past Me's cheek.
"I... But what if... How can...?"
Eris leaned down and kissed my forehead. I could still feel the tingle, outside the memory.
"And they're not the only ones," Eris teased.
"Uh... You mean-?"
"I love you too, Kazuma."
Past Me gaped and trembled. I briefly wondered if you could have a heart attack while you were already dead. I was already breathing hard. Wiz put a hand over my chest, and my chest instantly felt better.
"It's okay, Kazuma," Wiz said gently, "Just calm down. Let's keep watching."
Past Me stuttered.
"But-I-"
"Let's take it a step at a time, all right?" Eris said gently. "For now... My sempai and the others should have your full attention."
She stroked Past Me's head. "It's okay, Kazuma. You are an amazing liar and deceiver... So much so, that you've deceived yourself. Try being honest. What do you want?"
Past Me looked up into Eris' eyes. He swallowed loudly.
"... I want... My family... To stay together," Past Me nodded, "And for us to be happy."
I scowled.
Past Me coughed.
"Also maybe a harem would be... Nice?"
"Ah," I nodded, "Yeah. That sounds more like me."
"It does," Wiz giggled softly.
Past Me sighed and bowed my head slightly.
"I am a man of simple tastes," he admitted. "And uh... Maybe... Maybe I'm kind of..."
Eris smiled warmly. Past Me stared up at her.
"... I love them too, but the harem issue-"
"Aqua-senpai loves you, and so do the others," she said warmly, "So take some friendly advice, hm? Just go for it. I assure you... Nothing bad will happen tonight. If you can't believe me, who can you?"
Past Me nodded.
"I... Thanks Eris," he said. She leaned in and kissed Past Me deeply.
"THAT BASTARD!" I seethed. "PAST ME FINALLY GOT TO MAKE OUT WITH ERIS-Wait, why am I upset? What the hell are my issues?"
"You do seem to have a lot of self-loathing, Kazuma," Wiz said softly. She hugged me. "It's okay..."
Past Me sucked in a deep breath.
"I... I'll tell them," Past Me said, "I'll tell them that I love them all. I can't live without them. As much as they drive me crazy and to drink? They... They're my life. I can't lose them. I'll never lose them, because they're... The other parts of my soul. I'll love and cherish them to the end of my days."
Past Me nodded.
"That's what I'll say."
Eris beamed, as Past Me got hit by the blue beam that signified I was being resurrected.
"Then don't keep them waiting," she said softly, "And don't forget what I said." She winked.
The Crystal Ball showed me reopening my eyes back in the Axis Temple. Aqua was pouring healing magic into me. She had rested my head on her lap, and was crying a little as she stroked my face and hair. Megumin and Darkness were on their knees around me, all looking very worried.
"Kazuma? Kazuma, are you all right?" Aqua asked.
"Are you okay?" Megumin asked.
"Please, stop dying on us!" Darkness begged, squeezing my hand tightly.
Past Me blinked once or twice.
"So uh... You all love me?" Past Me asked, his words a bit more slurred.
All three girls nodded.
Past Me nodded again.
"Okay... I love you all too. Let's have sex."
"WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT ELOQUENT STATEMENT, DAMNIT?!" I shouted, shaking the Crystal Ball. "DAMNIT PAST MEEEE!"
Aqua's jaw dropped. Megumin turned bright red. Darkness's jaw dropped as she began panting eagerly.
"JUST LIKE THAT?!" Aqua cried.
"We've been together for three years, there's no one else I would ever want to be with," Past Me said, grinning drunkenly. "And Eris said it was cool!"
"Nnngh...!" Aqua pouted. Past Me reached up and caressed her cheek.
"Stop that. She's being nice," Past Me said.
"L-Lady Eris blessed our union?" Darkness gasped. Past Me nodded.
"You really shouldn't be so nonchalant about meeting a literal goddess," Megumin pointed out.
"We know Aqua," Past me said.
"HEY!"
"True, but even so," Megumin pointed out.
"It's also not the first time I've died," Past Me pointed out.
"Yeah, that's also really concerning," Megumin said.
"That aside... Sex?" Past Me asked.
"THAT'S SO UNROMANTIC!" I shouted in disbelief.
"YES!" Aqua cried. "FINALLY!"
"So blunt and rough!" Darkness moaned. "No consideration for our feelings whatsoever! OF COURSE, MASTER!"
"I-I mean..." Megumin blushed, "Sure!"
"IT WORKED?!" I shouted in shock.
The Head Priest entered, looking concerned.
"Ah, Lord Kazuma-!"
"Yes, I am Kazuma," Past Me replied.
"OH!" The Head Priest coughed, averting his eyes. "Sorry, I didn't know you were-"
"We're getting married, all of us!" Past Me cried. "AGAIN!"
The girls all hugged me.
"YEAH!" They cried happily.
I rubbed my temples, as a headache raged through me. I groaned.
"God... Was I drunk," I mumbled, "That's... That's what really happened?"
"Um... Yes?"
Wiz and I slowly looked to our right. Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness stood in the open doorway. I think my jaw dropped to somewhere around where I'd buried the Demon King when I killed him... And me.
"So, uh," Aqua beamed, "I learned the Lock Picking Skill! Aren't you proud of me, Kazuma?"
I think my body forgot to breathe for a good minute before Wiz gently shook me.
"Kazuma?"
"Th-That's me," I managed. I looked over at my party members. I slowly stood up and cleared my throat.
"I'm sorry," I said, as sincerely as I had ever said those words. "Everything... Happened so fast, and freaked me out... I don't really know how to process this, and uh... I-I guess the alcohol and the shock kind of... Overrode everything."
"I uh... I guess we did kind of... Lose control," Aqua admitted. She smiled.
"I'm not sorry for the decision... Just uh... Sorry I went overboard. I mean... I was a 12000 year old virgin. At least."
"And you teased me about being that," I deadpanned, with a light glare at her. She flushed and shrugged.
"I'm not doing that now, am I?"
"... Fair enough," I allowed.
Megumin smiled.
"I have no regrets," she said warmly. "I... I never did. Regrets aren't something a Crimson Demon should have... Unless they're really cool, dramatic ones. That you can reflect upon when you're in your last moments fighting to protect your friends."
"Yeah, that's the best kind," I agreed. Not even sure if I was being sarcastic at this point.
Aqua rolled her eyes. Darkness stepped forward, clearing her throat.
"I-I mean... As hot as it might be for you to abandon me after using me... That wouldn't last as long as you staying with us, in a loving relationship," Darkness said. She bowed her head. "I too am sorry... I uh... I might have-"
"No, no, this is all me," I stated, "But... I think I can handle it. I..."
Come on Kazuma. You've become a man physically. Now it's time to become a man in every other way.
"I do love all three of you. And I want us to stay together."
I walked up and took Darkness's hand. I looked her right in her eyes as she flushed.
"As for you, Darkness?" I said softly, "I'm gonna take you home... Pin you to the bed..."
Darkness gasped softly and trembled.
"Y-Yes, Master...?"
"I'm gonna look you in the eyes," I continued, "And tell you, 'We're going to have sex for procreation, in the missionary position.'"
Darkness opened up her mouth and let loose a keening whine.
"I'm gonna love you and cherish you," I went on aggressively, "and we're going to be happy... And you don't get to say no. That's how it's going to be. Because I'm your Master."
Darkness's eyes rolled back into her head, and she shook furiously. I reached up to hold her up before she could fall over. She panted hard, and licked her lips.
"Master~," she whimpered happily.
"Wow," Megumin gasped, her face bright red, "I-Can I be next?"
I couldn't help feeling smug at this.
"Yeah," I said.
"You're not leaving me out," Aqua pouted.
"Never," I chuckled.
Aqua and Megumin wrapped their arms around me. For the first time, I consciously kissed each of them. Aqua tasted of pure water and a touch of good wine. Megumin of warmth and maybe a touch of gunpowder? Darkness, steel and sweetness.
It was hard to be eloquent about it. All I can say is that it was awesome. I guess that's my weakness, my INT is useless if all the blood is going to the wrong places.
"Ah," Wiz cleared her throat. We all looked over at her. My favorite lich was blushing hard. I could see into the crystal ball... My jaw dropped.
"Oh," I mumbled, "You uh... You kept going to...?"
"You perverted lich," Aqua teased, "You're watching our wedding night, huh?"
"Um, uh, w-well," Wiz mumbled, "S-Sorry... Um... Kazuma, you can watch the rest-"
"I have a better idea," Aqua purred, nuzzling me. "You can join in on a recreation."
Wiz gaped in shock. She dropped the crystal ball. I think my own jaw was back on the floor.
"Uh... Wha-?"
"'To thine own self, be true,'" Aqua quoted, "Isn't that the Axis Cult Motto?"
"It's from Shakespeare," I said wearily.
"So?"
"Um, well..." Wiz looked up at me. "If... If you really... I mean... Um..."
She shut her eyes.
"I think I... Might love you too, Kazuma," she said.
After the previous revelations... I was able to keep from having a heart attack. I just blinked in astonishment.
"Oh... Ohhh... Goddamnit, I am a fucking oblivious anime harem lead," I muttered angrily.
"What's that?" Megumin and Darkness asked. I shook my head.
"Don't worry about it... Important thing is... Are you okay with... Her joining?"
Darkness beamed.
"She is a kind lich, how could I say no? Especially if Master will plow her while making me watch and not be able to-!"
"Okay, Darkness says yes," I said, blushing. "Megumin?"
"I do like Wiz," Megumin said, "But why not Yunyun? My eternal rival deserves some love, too! She even offered to have your baby!"
"Could we also include Chris?" Darkness asked eagerly. "Ohhh, she taught me so much and she clearly cares for you, Kazuma!"
"No!" Aqua protested. "We're only adding Wiz to the marriage, first, as a mistress! She's a good friend but she's still a lich and has to earn it!"
"WOAH WOAH WOAH!" I cried, holding my hands up. "Okay... First? One step at a time. Let's not rush, okay? Because our first priority is continuing our honeymoon. And since Wiz is here and confessed her love for me... Also I do love you too, Wiz, I really do, sorry for the lack of romance-"
"It's fine," Wiz managed in a slight daze, "I-I'm a bit lost for words myself."
"Since she did that," I finished, "It only makes sense for us to continue the honeymoon sex with her! This is her house and it would be rude not to include her!"
Wiz gasped happily. She covered her mouth in her joy.
"Oh... Kazuma...!"
"I absolutely agree," Aqua said with a nod. She then grinned.
"Also, there's a bonus in continuing the honeymoon here."
"And that is?" We all asked.
Vanir moaned loudly. He staggered into the doorway, looking exhausted, gaunt, and paler than usual.
"You... You bastard," he moaned. "All this positive energy... All at once... I was enjoying your anguish and embarrassment! It's so rich! But now... NOW... It's all happiness and wholesomeness! It's killing me!"
He glared.
"Have some goddamned angst already! You're good at it!"
I looked at Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin. They all wore evil smiles. I soon gained my own.
"I love you all so much," I said happily, "I've honestly never felt happier... Or more spiteful."
"GAAAHHHH!" Vanir screamed, clutching his heart. "YOU BASTARDS!"
"I... I love you too, Kazuma," Wiz said softly, getting up and hugging me.
"DAMNIT WIZ I'LL DOCK YOUR PAY FOR THAT!" Vanir groaned. He hugged himself tightly and shivered. "N-Need... Hatred... Depression... Anguish...!"
He staggered off. Wow. Who knew happy thoughts could do that much damage?
"Sooo," Megumin began, "Are we resuming the honeymoon or...?"
"Let's wait until Vanir leaves," Wiz said softly, "As difficult as he can be, he is my friend. I don't want to kill him."
The front door opened and slammed. Wiz beamed. She snapped her fingers, and all our clothes vanished.
"Now we can continue!"
"Knew there was a reason I didn't exorcise you," Aqua grinned.
"Yeah, that was me," I deadpanned.
"Shut up and kiss us!"
And for the first time ever... I did as Aqua told me.
Some months later...
"Geez Megumin, blood apples again?" I sighed, as I looked about the various produce stalls in the market. Megumin pouted at me.
"They're a delicacy for Crimson Demons! Their juicy, blood-like interiors give us greater power!"
"You could just say you like them."
"That's a less cool but no less valid reason!" She protested. I sighed and hugged her.
"Yeah yeah... My silly wife."
"Hmph," Megumin mumbled, cuddling with me, "My terrible husband."
"YOU! SATOU KAZUMA!"
I blinked and looked over at the source of the yell.
"Yes, I am Kazuma?"
Some tall, blond, muscled guy in armor with a giant sword advanced on me, two forgettable girls trailing behind him. The crowds parted for him as he stopped a few feet away. He glared at me.
"You remember me?"
"... Nope," I replied. He seethed.
"I'm Mitsurugi Kyouya! You stole my sword, Gram! You put Lady Aqua in a steel cage! You cheated in our duel!"
"Ohhhhh!" I said with a nod. "No, no, still not ringing any bells."
He twitched. It made me very happy inside. He thrust a finger into my face.
"I'm taking a brief pause before I go and kill the Demon King to get justice! I'm going to free your party members from your-!"
"Wives," I said.
Mitsu-whatever froze. He blinked.
"W-Wives?"
"Yes," Megumin stated, turning to face him fully and to place a hand on her rounded stomach. "Wives."
"Master, what's all the commotion?" Darkness asked, emerging from a stall in a fetching dress with her belly quite round. Aqua came out from a jewelry shop, her belly also prominent. Both joined us in facing the blond swordsman, whose jaw kept dropping lower and lower.
"L-Lady Aqua?!" He choked. "He-He made you-?!"
"Yes, he got me pregnant," Aqua scoffed, "That's what a husband is supposed to do for his wives! It sucks giving up alcohol but..." Here she smirked and squeezed my crotch, "I found a suitable alternative~."
"Ack!" I muttered. "Aqua! Easy! We already got charged for public indecency! Do you want to spend another night in jail?"
"Aw, but that was fun, Master!" Darkness whined. I paused, thought about it, and then shrugged.
"Yeah, but we were really sore after sleeping on those cots."
"You got to massage us after," Megumin pointed out. I sighed and looked at the gobsmacked What's-His-Face.
"See what I have to put up with? My horny, depraved wives."
I hugged them all, and enjoyed how red the guy's face was getting.
"Yes, we really are awful, my perverted jerk husband," Aqua giggled, nuzzling me.
"Who will likely be a deadbeat father," Megumin laughed, kissing my cheek.
"Who does such perverted things to his wives," Darkness sighed, hugging me from behind, "And even keeps mistresses on the side when his lust explodes. We're just not enough for him!"
"Look, when Yunyun can say 'I do' without passing out and Chris stops being a tease, then we'll get married," I said firmly, "Wiz and I are just enjoying a long engagement! She's classy, you know?"
"Are you saying we're not classy?" Aqua asked dangerously. I kissed the top of her head.
"Never in public, my darling-"
"ENOUGH!" The blond idiot snarled. "Clearly you have-have bewitched them! You've made them into your harem of sex slaves-!"
"Wives," I stated.
"Sex Slaves! And I must free them!" He brandished his sword. "Prepare yourself, Satou Kazuma! I have been training in the Frozen North, becoming powerful enough to save this world! You have no chance! Surrender and maybe I will make your death quick-!"
"STEAL," I stated. The Cursed Sword Gram appeared in my hand... And I let it drop on the blond idiot's head.
"URK! You... How..." He staggered a bit.
"Oh, it didn't knock him out," I said, "He has leveled up."
A gigantic block of ice fell on his head, slamming him into the ground and knocking him out cold. His two party members cried out in shock, as Wiz walked up with a soft scowl.
"What a rude young man," she commented. She beamed at us. "Well! Shall we go home?"
"I kind of wanted to pawn his sword for money again," I said. My wives and mistress gave me pleading looks. I sighed. "Oh all right, let's head home."
"Look at it this way," Megumin pointed out as we began walking back to the manor, "You'll also get to see the look on his face when you tell him you beat the Demon King."
I grinned.
"Hey yeah, I will!"
Darkness shivered.
"Ooh... That's a wonderfully sadistic idea~! Usually I just want pain inflicted on me, but sometimes it's nice to see others suffer, too."
"You're really growing as a person, Darkness," I deadpanned. She giggled and elbowed me lightly.
"Just like you, Master!"
"Ugh," Aqua sighed, "As much as I might enjoy seeing his head explode at that news... Does he have to come to our house?"
"It'll be a wonderful memory," I said, "We should cherish them."
Aqua smiled and kissed my cheek.
"How do you talk me into these things?"
I chuckled, my heart filled with love, happiness... And just a bit of gleeful spite.
"I'm very persuasive."
THE END
