Spring

"What was I so angry about?" she wondered. Something had happened... it had made her angry, she cried, and she ran away from Mama. To the shore. Now, she felt better. Asuka couldn't remember why she did that, but whatever it was, it was something unimportant; it felt so meaningless now. She just wanted to be angry because it felt good, but after being alone for some time, it became harder and harder to cling on to her anger. First, she was annoyed as it slipped away; it felt like it was betraying, abandoning her; it left behind frustration, an aching emptiness. After a while, she just shrugged; she realized that she might as well give up on it, and that it wasn't so bad. Leaving it behind made her feel... more complete, whole, somehow. Was this what... growing up felt like?

Later, she would go back and apologize, and her Mama would hug her, and everything would be alright again. Mama would forgive her, she would understand. Asuka didn't want Mama to be sad. She sighed, and decided that she should be nicer to her, from now on.

She looked at the horizon, and began humming a melody. Before she would return to her, she had something important to do. Her smile widened. Yes, she remembered now why she was angry. It really was a stupid reason, and it wasn't a problem anymore. She wanted to bring Mama a gift; but she couldn't, because she had forgotten something important. That had made her angry. But now she had someone to help her; she would be able to finally get that gift for her. Mama would smile when Asuka showed it to her; she was so beautiful when she smiled.

Her legs kept dangling from the broken tree; it looked old, the skin was long gone, it must have been felled by a storm long ago. Or a tidal wave? She sighed. The ocean was a scary thing. It was so big, you could never see all of it, and you couldn't look inside. Something old and deep was in there, an ancient mystery. Scary. But here, the sea didn't feel that way; it felt safe, peaceful, like home. Mama felt the same way about it, that's why they had a house here, near the shore.

Asuka liked the soft crashing of the waves; she realized that the sound helped to wash her anger away. The waves were small, even smaller than her. She remembered learning something about it at school. "An inland sea..." she thought, and instantly admonished herself for thinking about school during the weekend. Well, surely there wouldn't be any tidal waves here. Asuka hummed, and smiled, and watched the seagulls for a while.

But then, she suddenly realized that something was very wrong. Her ears perked up. She frowned.

It was too silent. She realized that an important sound was missing.

Her frown became menacing, when she found out the reason.


"Hey! Why are you staring at me? Keep digging!" she snarled at Shinji, with an angry glare.

"Uhh... sorry!" he responded; she had caught him looking at her with wide eyes. Looking at her while she was smiling, Asuka realized, and blinked a few times in confusion about why her cheeks grew warm. She mumbled something to herself, and her frown lessened. In a hurry, the rhythmic sounds of shoveling returned; good. She couldn't see his legs anymore, and the hole he was standing in grew deeper and wider. He wasn't looking at her now; she allowed herself to smile again, and she stared at him while he worked.

"S-so... Asuka, why do I have to do all the digging? Shouldn't we... uhh, take turns?" he asked after a while, and dared to peek at her.

"You're a boy, you should do the hard work because boys are stronger." she explained melodically, and shrugged. Wasn't that obvious?

"Are you sure? I mean... you seemed strong enough, earlier. You know, when you pushed me over, after bumping into me. Or when you wrested that shovel from my hands when I didn't want to give it to you... or when you grabbed my wrist and dragged me all the way here against my will..." he complained, while the little mountain of excavated white sand grew steadily.

"Stop whining, Dummkopf!" she ordered indignantly.

"I'm not whining, I'm just pointing out that..." he began, but Asuka interrupted him.

"I really needed that shovel, okay? And I gave it back to you, didn't I?" she said, and pouted while crossing her arms.

He scratched his head, and paused. "Ah, so... you needed it, because you had to give it back to me. So that I could work for... you." he summarized.

"Hmm! Exactly!" - Asuka nodded enthusiastically. Shinji sighed. "Yeah... that makes sense, I suppose." he said, and looked down to hide a confused grin.

After a moment, Asuka continued: "It does! And stop being so mopey because I smashed your stupid sand castle. I've given you a more meaningful task! You should thank me!".

"It wasn't a castle, it was a pyramid..." Shinji mumbled, sounding disappointed.

"Whatever... You're eight, you're too old for that baby stuff!" she said with a frown, and continued humming her melody. What a weirdo.

Shinji shrugged. He grinned at her for a moment, then he started digging again.


Long blades of grass cut through the white sand at the back of the dunes, an eternal battle against the wind. Watching Shinji work was quite exhausting, so Asuka decided to take a little break.

She strolled through the pine forest, the sea became quieter, the deeper she went. It smelled nice, fresh, and strangely dry. The air was a bit cooler here; it was nice to get out of the sun for a while. Something rustled through the underbrush; she caught a glimpse of a deer, no two, or three? They were gone before she could count, or even blink in surprise. Asuka grinned for a moment, and continued on the sandy path. A woodpecker staccatoed now and then.

She passed a pile of timbers, and stopped for a moment to enjoy the scent of the freshly cut wood; concentrated forest aroma, sticky resin. She wiped her sticky fingers on the bark, it didn't help much. In the distance, she could glimpse roofs between the thinning trees. Bright red tiles. There was a golden sea somewhere too, a field of yellow flowers protected by rows of poplars. Bees hummed everywhere.

Close to the edge of the forest, the path became a narrow road. Grass and dandelions grew between large, worn cobblestones; crooked, uneven, no two stones of the same shape or composition. Rocks and gravel left by the last ice age. A heap of boulders at the foot of a solitary, malformed spruce that resembled an old witch. The rounded rocks had been collected from the fields beside the road and stacked here, for centuries, a fortress and sunbathing resort for lizards.

She saw many people as she entered the village, many children; It was holiday season, they visited the sea too. Strangers greeted, waved or smiled at her as she passed them. Outdoor benches and tables. A yellow crane stood next to the old church tower, exposed ancient roof structures under repair. Many bicycles, lots of ringing. Lots of green grass. The old couple sitting on a bench under a chestnut tree, looking at their house across the street; like every day, for hours, for decades. An open window, someone was practicing on the piano, badly.

It was warm, many people were sitting in the garden of the old manor that housed a holiday inn and restaurant, enjoying the day, cake, coffee or beer. Their chatter competed with the singing birds in the adjacent park. There was a big flat stone there, with lots of names and dates, surrounded by flower beds. When she was four, her father had explained why she wasn't allowed to pick the flowers; she had asked why they had to die; he didn't know. A may tree, entwined by green garlands, stood by the little pond at the edge of the park, where the slightly bigger street met the slightly smaller one.

A flock of doves flew above her, their wings made the air sing; she knew they carried little rings around their legs. Boys in a workshop restored an ancient motorcycle: hope, noise, blueish smoke, black smoke, silence, curses. A small shop, with a big freezer crammed into one corner. A sign with the logo of her favorite ice cream brand on the window. Idiot Shinji was completely forgotten.

She counted her pocket money. "It's no use... the beach is too far away... it'll melt before I get there...", she mumbled, standing dejectedly before the freezer. The owner lent her a small insulation bag and a few ice packs from his private home, she didn't even have to ask; his sympathetic smile the only, silent reminder for her to bring it back, eventually.


"So, Asuka... I still don't quite understand... why would they want to hide it here, of all places? Wouldn't it be a bit too... obvious?" Shinji asked curiously, as he nibbled on the lower half of his ice cream cone. He was sitting on the crest of the dune, next to her.

"Ughh... are you stupid? That's the point! Don't you see? Everybody would think they'd have some fancy hiding spot deep in a cave, or on a remote island somewhere. Nobody would expect them to hide it right here, on the beach, right next to their ship. So, naturally, nobody ever thought of looking here! Except me, of course. That's why I'm the leader of this expedition, because I can think like a pirate! Also, those chests were very heavy, so they didn't want to carry it far. So, lots of reasons, trust me." she said, holding up her finger proudly, before finishing off her cone with a satisfied grin.

"Oh, so that's why. You know, I think I already know who will have to carry it later..." Shinji mumbled with a defeated grin. Asuka nodded approvingly; he was learning quickly, maybe he wasn't such an idiot after all. Perhaps, she'll even let him have one twentieth of the gold. Shinji looked over to the bleached beams and planks near the hole. The wreck of the pirate ship was in an advanced stage of deterioration, it looked much like a random pile of driftwood.

"Hmm, I wonder where that came from..." he muttered, and ate the last of his ice cone as well.

"Huh... What?" she replied. Asuka had been lost in uncomfortable thoughts for a moment; It was already late in the afternoon; what if she didn't find it in time? Could they still find it tomorrow? That question made her uneasy.

"Sorry... the pirates, I mean. Before the storm stranded them here, where did they start their, uhh, journey?"

Asuka rolled her eyes, and groaned. "Ugh... you're really asking a lot of stupid questions today. But you're not from here, so I'll be patient." she said, and pointed to a random spot on the horizon, far across the sea. She picked one that would bring her upper arm close to his face.

"There's a big, important pirate kingdom over there. Very far away, you'd have to cross the entire sea to get there. So, that's where they came from, naturally." she said, and nodded pompously.

She was surprised at how Shinji's head leaned over her arm, as if he was looking through the sights of a rifle. He looked at the distant spot for a moment. Then, he looked at the sun, and checked his watch. He blinked a few times. "Hmmm..." he hummed pensively, and looked at her face after a while, slightly confused.

"You mean... Finland?" he asked with a raised brow, and grinned.

She blinked a few times, and stared ahead. She quickly nodded, and hummed a slightly embarrassed "Mh-mhh".

After a moment, Shinji broke the uncomfortable silence. "Asuka... I need to tell you something. Sorry that I didn't do it earlier, but uh... I just wanted to eat that ice cream with you first..." he said, scratching his head.

She blinked curiously, her eyes went wide. "Ohh... what is it?"

He smiled at her. Was he blushing?

"I already found… another treasure today." he said. His eyes darted to the ground, afraid of hers.

Her mouth fell open.

"I mean... earlier, when you were gone, I found this in the sand... It's for you!" - he gently took her hand, and dropped something on her palm.

She gasped, and marveled at the lump of gold in her hand. But it seemed too light, and it felt warm. No, it was some kind of stone, about the size of a small chicken egg. It seemed to be translucent, so she held it up against the sun. She was mesmerized. The amber chunk was alive, a million shades or orange and red dwelt in its core. It was crystallized fire, a flame frozen in time. Her eyes felt wet. The sun shed a tear for her.

"It's... beautiful..."

"Reminds me a bit of your hair... umm, sorry." Shinji said, and looked down shamefully as he bit his lip. "It will look even nicer when its polished, I thought maybe you could wear it around your neck..."

But Asuka didn't hear him, she was already gone. "Mama! I have to give this to Mama!" she shouted excitedly, as she ran away from the beach. Shinji thought she sounded like she was crying. He sighed, got up, and climbed down from the dune. He looked at the horizon one last time, and shrugged. He started digging again.


Asuka was panting as she opened the large, oaken front door of the house, she had been running as fast as she could. "Mama, I'm home!" she shouted merrily. She left the door open, no time to take off her shoes. She sprinted through the corridor, just a few steps over the stone tiles, towards the winter garden at the south end of the house. Where those odd cacti grew - She didn't like spiky plants, but those looked kinda pretty. Astrophytum, her father had said. Their flowers smelled really nice, she remembered. Sometimes she watched the stars from here, at night. Fan palms. Orchids. A Christmas tree, sometimes. Warmth, even in winter. Mama's favorite place on earth. The amber piece was clutched tightly in her sweaty palm.

"Mama! Look!" she cheered, as she entered. Her mother sat at the far end of the table, reading a book. They often had lunch here together. The view on the meadow outside, the little lake and the forest behind it; there was always a pair of cranes around, sometimes she couldn't sleep at night because of the stupid frogs. Why was she shivering? Mama wore a red dress, Asuka couldn't see her face; it was hidden behind a curtain of hair.

"Why am I here? What is this place?" she wondered. "I just wanted to see her smile...", she suddenly remembered.

The amber chunk clattered on the floor. She gasped.

"I can't remember her face..."

She gulped. She was frozen in place. Her mother put away the book, and faced her.

"Asuka... come to me... let me hug you..."


Summer

Asuka stumbled over the door sill, and almost fell. She looked back. It was crossing the corridor slowly, arms outstretched. Asuka got a hold of herself, and took a quick step inside, to quickly grab the house keys from the wooden board beside the doorframe. Maybe she still had time.

Outside, she smashed the massive door shut, and tried to insert the key to lock it. Stupid shaky fingers, it took far too long. Just as she was finished, she heard and felt a loud bang, and cracks appeared around the hinges. A hissing sound as mortar dust fell on plant leaves. Asuka jumped backwards, just in time.

The door was smashed from its hinges. It crashed down in front of her, barely missing her feet. She reeled in shock, and her hand found something hard, and cold behind her. One of those little decorative rocks from the flower bed. She hurled it at its head, instinctively, with all the strength she could muster in her panicked state. It just bounced off with a metallic clank. The thing didn't even flinch, but a tiny gash had opened on the empty, featureless skin. Where its face should have been. She caught a glimpse of what lay beneath.

Something green, an eye, she remembered. Red armor. Her face.

"No..." she gasped, "No! Leave me alone! I don't want anything to do with you! Go away!" she screamed.

It didn't go away. It took a step forward; it wanted to hug her. It grew taller.

"Asuka... don't be like that, be with me..."

She crawled, she scrambled, she ran as fast as she could. The thing followed her at a leisurely pace, it had all the time in the world. It grew taller.


"Sh-Shinji! Quick! W-we must get away from h-here!" Asuka shouted. The panic in her voice didn't seem to even stir him a bit. He was just sitting there, slumped over, defeated, passive.

"There's nothing I can do... sorry." he mumbled.

"Get a grip on yourself!" she shouted angrily, and pulled him up by the arm violently. He just collapsed, like a sack of potatoes, spineless, without any tension in his body. What the hell had happened to him?

She knelt down beside him, and pulled him up by the shoulders. His head was bobbing from side to side. He didn't look at her. Despair brought tears to her eyes.

"Please... do something... help me! I beg you! P-please... A-anything!" she sobbed; and her tears stained his shirt.

Slowly, his head lifted. He looked at her; there was a hint of recognition. He lifted his finger. He pointed at the hole in the beach.

"What?" she shouted, confused. She began to shake him frantically. She looked at where he pointed to. "Shinji, we can't hide in there! We must..." she began, and her blood froze. She shivered as she realized what he meant.

A hole. He had dug it. It was big enough for her.

"That way, you can at least have rest... you can have peace... Goodbye, A-Asuka..." he muttered, staring idiotically at her. He even had the nerve to start sobbing.

Her eyes widened in terror, and her hands let go of him instantly. Asuka didn't even need to look down. She already knew what she would see at the bottom.

Mouths. Nine white, hungry mouths, smiling, leering, moaning. Licking their lips in anticipation. No eyes. Disgust and anger overwhelmed her. She had been betrayed, again.

"No!" she screamed, and hit him hard, on instinct. Her fist opened a gash above his brow, and blood trickled down the side of his head. He didn't resist, he didn't defend himself, he didn't protest.

Her breath wavered. Cold fury boiled in her. She stared at him, at his empty, hollow eyes. Her expression darkened, cold, detached contempt and disgust. She took a deep breath.

"I hate you.", she whispered. She hit him again, harder. "I hate you!" she screamed, scowling. Her fists rained down on his face. No reaction.

She glared at him. "I'll take that stupid shovel, and smash your..."

"No, Asuka." her mother said calmly, interrupting her. "There is a better way. Be with me. I will protect you.". Mother stood behind her, and gently placed her hand on Asuka's shoulder. She had been waiting for her.

Asuka welcomed her embrace.


Asuka was no longer a scared little girl. She was very big. She was very strong. She was very red. She was very angry.

And she put her foot down.

A rush of adrenaline blinded her mind for a moment, washing away fear and pain. Anger. Release. Ecstasy. Revenge. It felt good to let herself be consumed like that, it felt like a cleansing fire. She had been defiled, betrayed, abandoned, ignored. She had just redeemed herself. He was an insect. He had to be treated like one. He and his stupid ideas. It was pest control. He wanted to die, didn't he? Idiot got what he wanted, finally. She was shivering with delight. Ripples of pleasure shook her body. Justice. She sighed, and looked down.

The forest had been uprooted by the tremors caused by her foot. A tidal wave of soil. A pick-up stick game for giants. Deers were stumbling helplessly. Wounded. Frightened. Caught under fallen trees, or stuck in the loose dirt. Unable to comprehend. Asuka didn't know deer could scream like that. The birds had fallen silent. Her foot stood in a crater, water was rushing in from the sea, it mixed with dirt, it became ugly, brown, disgusting.

"You killed him."

"I hate him!"

"He's dead."

"I hate him!"

"You will never see him again. He will never talk to you again. You will never..."

"Shut up! I hate you too!"

Something felt wrong. Slowly, the fire faded. It left something behind. Ash. Bile. Emptiness. A glacier.

"He liked you."

"Liar! He abandoned me! He didn't care! He only used me!"

"You'll never see him smile again."

"Shut up! All of you! I hate all of you!"

She found an adequate replacement for her fading anger, a substitute drug. A rictus grin. Leering. Eyes wide open. A predator. An animal. She ground her teeth together. She began to laugh. Madly.

"I hate all of you. I hate you I hate you I hate you..."

The tremors she had caused earlier had reached far. Many of the houses in the village had collapsed. Large cracks in the ground made the main street impassable. People were screaming for help, buried under the rubble. A fire caused by a burst gas pipe consumed the little bakery. Sirens were blaring in the distance. Few who could, were helping. Most were staring at the thing, paralyzed, shell-shocked. This part of the world wasn't supposed to have earthquakes or giant monsters. An eerie silence fell over the village, as the thing slowly turned its head towards it. It stared at the survivors with its four green eyes, it contemplated them. They stared back. It stood in silence for a moment, silhouetted against the setting sun in the background. Then, it roared.

Everyone who could, began to run, as primal instincts took over. Be anywhere else than here, avoid its gaze, nothing else matters. Utter panic. Even those who were trying to save others fled. Those who couldn't, fell silent.

"You think you know suffering? You have no idea what I've been through!" she shouted at them.

"You took him from me! You killed him! This world killed him! He died here! I will make you pay!" she screamed.

Asuka was dimly aware that she was being utterly absurd, but she didn't care. She had finally silenced the voice that questioned her, now she could do whatever she wanted. Mama gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder. It was all the encouragement she needed.

Somewhere, a piece of golden amber began to boil and burn into nothingness. It hissed and bubbled like a piece of butter, forgotten in a white-hot frying pan. Soon, there was nothing left.


Asuka had awoken.

There was no entry plug, there was no cockpit, there was no synch ratio. She wasn't a pilot anymore. She was Nigoki, a resplendent goddess of fire and vengeance. Asuka had claimed her birthright. Those who dared to look at her, became ash.

She rose into the sky majestically, spreading wings of light and heat that carried her into the heavens. Everything burned. The forest was consumed by her radiance, trees turned to white-hot dust within milliseconds, blown away by a merciless stellar wind. Walls built from granite boulders melted like wax. Soil became bubbling caramel. She was the eye of a firestorm, a searing whirlwind crowned by a halo of flames. Her glory burnt a hole into the sky.

"You thought that only Wonderboy could do that, didn't you? You thought that I was weak! That I was useless! It's too late for you to be sorry!" she screamed. No, she sang. Her voice resonated, it cut, it killed; it shattered tectonic plates like glass. Rippling interference patterns appeared on the molten rock, magma dancing to the hymn of a mad god.

She looked down. The seas were boiling away at the edges of the circular pool of of lava below her. Asuka realized it. She knew what she wanted to do. It would be fun. She rose higher and higher. She danced.

"Look at me! I'm beautiful! I'm brilliant!"

Deserts became seas of liquid glass, to provide a golden mirror for her beauty.

"I'm perfect! I'm irresistible!"

Mountain ranges melted and sank into the ground, kneeling before her might.

"I'm eternal… I'll never die...because I'm a star!"

The laws of thermodynamics looked at her, and despaired.

"And now...Hypersonic double-backflip!" she shouted, with an ecstatic grin.

Asuka dove. Her wings were spears of absolute terror. She impaled the heart of a planet. She shattered it. She broke it. She bathed in the blood of a dying world.

It felt great.

Behind her, mother smiled proudly.


Fall

(You scream. You cry. You vomit. You shiver. You tremble. You hyperventilate. You retch. You despair. You pass out. You wake up. In no particular order. For a long time.)

(You curl up in a ball. Fetal position. Knees against your forehead. You grab the handles. You don't want to die. You don't want to die. You don't want to die. You don't want to die. You don't want to die.)

(You keep your eyes clenched shut. They hurt from the pressure. You want to claw them out. You don't want to see. But you have no strength left. You're afraid of the pain. You are in so much pain. There are cracks in your teeth.)

(You are in the entry plug again. The filters are off. LCL. Stomach acid. Green bile. Floating strands of red hair you don't remember ripping out. Mushy brown chunks. White slime, like spoiled milk. Ice cream. You remember eating ice cream with someone.)

(You scream. You cry. You vomit. You shiver. You tremble. You hyperventilate. You retch. You despair. You pass out. You wake up. In no particular order. For a long time.)

(The power is off. The lights are out. Your body is spent. Too exhausted for sleep. There is nothing left to vomit. You shiver. Silence. In the silence appear words. You recognize them.)

"Hello? Is there anybody?"

(No Answer)

"Am I dead? Am I talking to someone? To myself? Is this me?"

(No Answer)

"It's so c-cold... it's dark... I'm afraid to open my eyes... I'm afraid it'll burn my eyes... where am I?

(Absolute Zero.)

"..."


(You scream. You cry. You shiver. You tremble. You hyperventilate. You retch. You despair. You pass out. You wake up. In no particular order. For a long time.)

(The power is off. The lights are out. Your body is spent. Too exhausted for sleep. You shiver. Silence. In the silence appear words. You recognize them.)

"It's just been a dream, right? Am I dreaming now?"

(No Answer)

"Mama? Please, tell me you're there... I'm scared..."

(No Answer)

"M-mama! I did all you wanted from me! Why won't you help me?"

(No Answer)

"..."


(You scream. You cry. You shiver. You tremble. You hyperventilate. You retch. You despair. You pass out. You wake up. In no particular order. For a long time.)

(The power is off. The lights are out. Your body is spent. Too exhausted for sleep. You shiver. Silence. In the silence appear words. You recognize them.)

"So that's it then... I'm not needed anymore... No one is left to k-kill, so you left me, as well."

"But then again... it wasn't really you, all this time... it just used your heart... it used you... just as it used me..."

"That's all this thing is good for... to kill... to destroy... It has made itself obsolete now... that's why it's just floating here... it has lost its purpose… like me..."

(You stay silent for a while.)

"It's probably just a malfunction. A training accident... they'll get me out eventually... like that one time on the lake..."

(You stay silent for a while.)

"Anyone? Please! H-hikari? Misato? Wonderg... Rei?"

(No Answer)

(You hesitate. You shiver.)

"B-baka?"

(No Answer)


(You scream. You cry. You shiver. You tremble. You hyperventilate. You retch. You despair. You pass out. You wake up. In no particular order. For a long time.)

(The power is off. The lights are out. Your body is spent. Too exhausted for sleep. You shiver. Silence. In the silence appear words. You recognize them.)

"This can't be real... It's all just a dream... maybe if I open my eyes... I'll just try to open my eyes..."

(You're surprised that you're able look at it. It's strangely beautiful, somehow.)

"Debris. Glittering dust. Fire. Rain. Molten seas. Red. Convection. Impacts. A ring. It's growing. The earth is being born. Is this the beginning of time? Is this creation? Is this hope?"

(No.)

"..."

(This is the moon.)

"..."

(The earth's corpse is falling on the moon. Over time, it will grow into a new world. A dead world. A grave.)

"..."

(No answer)

(You stay silent for a long time. You grab the control handles. You want to die. You want to die. You want to die. You want to die.)

"I... I w-want t-to die..."


(You scream. You cry. You shiver. You tremble. You hyperventilate. You retch. You despair. You pass out. You wake up. In no particular order. For a long time.)

(The power is off. The lights are out. Your body is spent. Too exhausted for sleep. You shiver. Silence. In the silence appear words. You recognize them.)

"I am not alone."

(You are not alone.)

"I can hear them."

(You can hear them.)

"They are coming."

(They are coming.)

"Birds. White. They will carry me away."

(Vultures. Hungry. They will feast on you.)

"I won't resist, I won't fight, I won't scream."

(You remember where they will take you.)

Asuka screamed.


Something fell into the water. Asuka was startled by the sound.

You have returned.

I am here again I can hear them Get away I don't want to hear them

They call out for you. They invite you. Be one with them. Be whole.

Leave me alone I don't want to be around you shut up

They have something that you lack. Something you want. They want to share.

Stop showing me these things Stop talking If I can't have it myself I don't want it from you It's all lies you disgust me I don't want to be you I want to be me I don't want to die I want to be me Who am I

So you reject them. You swim away. You are in an ocean. You know how to swim.

There are fewer voices here I need to concentrate fight Keep them away I want to be me I don't need any of you

You can escape the ocean. But the rain will follow you. If it's too hard, you can give up.

Deeper deeper it's dark it's hot nothingness They won't follow me here I want to be alone I must swim deeper Here I can be alone I can hide from them

You don't want to be alone.

Molten pressure heat indistinct no worries soft unconditional warmth peace red light darkness It surrounds me I dissolve I can sleep here I can forget here I forget who I am

Like a mother. You want to return. You will cease to be.

What else I can do I don't want to be here I can't be here

But it will begin again. It will repeat. You will be unhappy. You will destroy. You will return.

It was just a dream Just memories It wasn't real it wasn't real I didn't kill them It was fake

But you aren't sure. You have doubts. They nag on your soul.

Shut up shut up shut up you're lying leave me alone It can't be real It wasn't real

How many times has it happened before?

Ten times a hundred times a hundred thousand times I don't care I'd rather kill everyone than stay here

Then, why are you unhappy?

I look up I sink deeper This is the end I look up I expect him to grab me and pull me up but he's not there I'm alone He's supposed to help me but he's abandoned me He doesn't care

Like that one time.

I was happy then

You look up. You imagine his face. One last time. Before you disappear.

Why would I do that Shut up I don't want to see his face Leave me alone stupid Don't come near me Get away from me

You never reached out to him.

I'll never do that I don't want to be around him I'd rather be dead than with him

Then, why do you lift your hand?

For old time's sake


Winter

Asuka awoke. She saw everything, and she understood. She knew what she wanted to do.

"Twenty points! Yay…" she said with mock enthusiasm, and sighed. She scratched her head. Another bolt was taken from the box she was sitting next to. They were many others. They were left by a maintenance crew that had never returned.

"Mist… oh well, minus five…" she grumbled, and rubbed her eyes. She had decided that a miss would induce a penalty on her score; it was more interesting that way. It would keep her on edge, focused, if mistakes weren't free.

The game had simple rules. Throw the bolt into the ventilation hole. A hit; five points. A miss, minus five. The cover had fallen off, but the fan was running; this section still had power. It made it hard to hit. Not for her, though. Timing. It was all about picking just the right moment. Don't hesitate, don't rush; don't screw up.

Air was rushing in from the duct. It made this place slightly more tolerable. Asuka had woken up a few levels below. It stank there, it was oily, broken sewage pipes were leaking putrid slime. Some sort of recycling plant. There were bodies there, too, so she had decided to come up here. This place was barely any better than anywhere else; rust and decay was everywhere, but it least the air wasn't so stale up here.

Asuka looked at the ceiling. She knew the perfect spot, where the bolt would reflect at just the right angle. Each bounce would double the score. Exponential growth. She could undo many earlier mistakes with a single hit that way. Sometimes she lost a few points on purpose, only to make up with an impressive combo later. It made it more interesting. There were many opportunities in the room; shelves, old generators, boxes, pipes on the wall. She could be creative.

"Ten!" she said, with the hint of a smirk. "Didn't think I'd make that one, did you..." she said to no one in particular. She had aimed for the broken light fixture above her. For an observer, the shot might have seemed impossible, but the bolt impacted the side of rusty thing in just the right way. Timing was right, too. Asuka stretched her limbs. She scratched the back of her hand. She took the next bolt.


That one was different. "Must have gotten mixed up with the others somehow… sloppy." she mumbled. Wrong alloy, not corrosion-resistant. It had a different weight too, it would be interesting to see if she could adapt her technique. Rust was blooming on the head, a drop of water had gotten on it at some point. She looked at it. Deeply.

Oxides eating away at the metal. Red-brown flowers, an electro-chemical garden. Overgrown, chaotic, sending its roots into the metal soil. She took a stroll among the bizarre formations, they looked spiky and sharp up close. She didn't like them, they looked diseased. She looked deeper.

Microscopic metal crystals joined together at grain boundaries, forming a chaotic, three-dimensional mosaic. No two grains alike. There was a tiny air bubble trapped inside the shaft, she knew. Very sloppy. She looked deeper. Crystal lattices. Grid structures. Lines of points stretching into infinity. Imperfect, defective. Split lines, vacancies, substitutions, misaligned planes. It made the structure complicated, like a jigsaw puzzle. It offered resistance to an outside force. If the structure was too perfect and regular, it would have been too soft, too pliable. Too many faults, and it would become too hard and brittle. The right balance. If she went deeper, she would lose herself in the endless intricacies of wave mechanics. That would be a way to pass time as well, for a while. But that wouldn't net her any points, so she went back to her game.

Asuka yawned. Before she could contemplate a new target, she heard the shouts. "Ughh… not again…" she moaned, trying to ignore them. She did come her to be alone, after all; it was easy, this place was big. But the Queen kept sending her distractions like that. She was demanding Asuka's attention again. She decided to ignore it for now, she had only just begun to improve her score again.


She should have seen it coming, but she had let herself get distracted for too long by the bolt. The door opened with a metallic moan, and a panicked girl entered. She was panting as she closed it behind her. Asuka rolled her eyes. It was one of those times again. She knew what would happen, she didn't want to see it. She contemplated the bolt in her hand. "Should I go for a glancing hit on one of the blades? Make it ricochet at the right angle, send it spinning, so that the next blade will kick it in? Haven't tried that before, it would be tricky, but kinda interesting…"

"Help me… please!" - the girl had kept staring at Asuka for a while, unsure of what to make of her. Was she one of them? Would she lead the others to her, betray her? But Asuka just sat there, so perhaps the girl hoped she wasn't an enemy. Asuka hated it. She wanted to tell her to go away, but she couldn't, for some reason. Asuka scratched her neck, and yawned.

"They want to put me in that thing again! I don't want to go! I don't want to die!" the girl said in a trembling voice. Asuka sighed. She knew she would regret it, but she turned to look at her.

Pale, haggard, days of stress on her face. Malnourished, pumped full of drugs and nutrient solution to keep her going. Blue eyes, staring wide at her, framed by dark rings. Scared, terrified. All signs of pride and confidence gone. Mask off. Blood was seeping from a gash above her waist, where she had ripped her plugsuit during her flight. Long red hair in a jumbled mess; she probably hadn't taken a shower in days. Comfort wasn't necessary for her to fulfill her role at this point. She was a specimen, she would be retired soon. The girl didn't know it yet, she had some hope left. Defiance. Asuka bit her lip, and forced herself to look away.

"I can't do anything about it." she simply said, and turned away.

"Please don't tell them I'm here! I just need to hide here until…" the girl said, and looked to the door fearfully. Asuka ignored her; she wanted to try out her idea with the fan blades. That would make noise. The noise might lead others here, they might find the girl that way, she realized; so she put the bolt away for now. It wouldn't matter in the end, of course. Nothing Asuka did, mattered. She rolled her eyes. She was letting herself get entangled in these stupid games again. It was annoying. She sighed.

Shouts, and footsteps in front of the door. A moment of preparation, and two armed men rushed in. A third one secured the door. Black body armor, assault rifles. The girl screamed as they grabbed her from behind. She fought back, refusing to let herself get handcuffed – no kill order, then. Strange, usually it would have been NERV agents, it seemed to early for the JSSDF. Some sort of surprise takeover, or an unlikely alliance? Little variations in the scenario. The queen wanted to keep things interesting for herself. At least that meant that Asuka wouldn't get blood sprayed on her, or something like that.

She discovered a black spot under one of her nails, and scratched it away. "Hmm…" she sighed, as she contemplated the speck of dirt between her fingertips.

The third one contacted HQ. Securing target. The one holding the girl looked in Asuka's direction. His expression was puzzled, confused, as if he had seen a ghost. He was distracted for just a moment. That was all the girl needed. She kicked one of the troopers and managed to grab his rifle. Well-honed instincts kicked in. Advanced training. She was good, Asuka had to admit that. Two dead bodies lay on the floor, two very loud seconds later. Asuka shifted her position, avoiding the spreading pool of blood. "Hmmpf… gonna have to find a new spot after this." she groaned.

The girl dove to cover behind the massive generator, just in time. The one at the door had fired a burst at her, orders be damned, and narrowly missed. "You little…" he shouted, and went for his grenade belt as he took cover behind the door frame. He wouldn't get to throw it, Asuka knew. The Queen wouldn't allow her daughter to die yet. Maybe she should pick another bolt? The rusty one was jinxed, everything had been going so well until she had touched it.

The ground shook, and the sound of twisting and breaking metal was overwhelming. A giant hand smashed through the floor from below, and closed around the soldier, just as he had pulled the pin of his fragmentation grenade. It closed around him with a sickening, wet crunch, crushing him instantly. It waited until the dull thud of the explosion came, absorbing all of its destructive force. Then, it dropped what was left of him on the floor.

The girl screamed in terror. She emptied her rifle at the thing, a futile gesture of defiance. Asuka was annoyed, her ears rang. Then, the hand reached out, supported by a flexible, snake-like arm. It grabbed the girl. Her fists rained down on it, she clawed at it with her fingernails. There was nothing she could do. She was lifted up, and disappeared into the sharp-edged opening the hand had left behind.

"This is… disgusting." Asuka said, resigned. Her game had been ruined, the power was out, the fan blades had stopped. She sighed and stood up. She walked over to the hole in the floor, careful not to step on the twisted, bloody mess. She could see the Queen through the cratered layers of metal, right down through several levels of the structure. Pipes had burst, oily liquid was raining down on her. On one of the floors, repair crews were already scrambling to close the hole with welding torches and steel plates. Others began restoring the infrastructure. Patching cables, shunting pipes. Nerves. Blood vessels. Urethrae. Bowels. They were determined professionals, they worked quickly. They worked mindlessly, barely aware of happened around them, focused on fulfilling their function. Like ants. Here, they were all like this. They didn't know they were going to die soon.


The Queen was dangling the girl over one of her mouths, salivating. Asuka didn't look, she knew what would happen next. She didn't need to go down there, she could see everything from here just as well. In fact, she could see anything, from anywhere, at any distance. She looked around her little refuge. She would have to pick a new place now, so she might as well take a stroll.

The nine mouths were bickering among each other, like fledglings in a bird's nest as the queen lowered the girl. The girl was screaming. It was annoying. Other people began screaming too, finally waking up, realizing what was happening, too late. Maya, Misato even - so, this time she wasn't dead yet, that was interesting. Soon, there would be more screams, gunshots, flames, explosions, blood... The queen would shudder in delight, and join the orgy of death around her enthusiastically. Asuka decided she wasn't in the mood to witness it, so she skipped ahead.

Since she was omniscient, she could observe any moment in time she wished. It didn't matter. Time didn't really exist here, just as a person didn't exist in a grave. It was all the same, forever, nothing ever happened here. She had arrived here only a couple of hours ago, but a million years spent here wouldn't have shown her anything new. She knew all of it already. It was her life. And it was boring.

She decided pay the Queen a visit. Give her the attention she craves, now and then. She would leave her alone for a while, after she acknowledged her existence. Pay tribute. Then she could pick another spot to wait, and think of something interesting to do.


Asuka took her time as she wandered through the maze of rotten metal corridors. Most of them were dead, empty, without purpose. She knew it went on forever. She could make her eyes zoom out, to look at it from beyond; but no matter how far she went, it would always stretch to the edges of her vision. Maybe it wasn't infinite, but curved back into itself somehow. A closed loop in space and time. Nothing existed outside of it. It was a fortress without an enemy. It was also a factory, and a laboratory. But above all, it was a temple, a sacrificial pit. The solitary playground of a mad god. From a more mundane perspective, it was a hive. An anthill full of mindless drones. And at the center of an anthill, there had to be a queen, of course. That thing didn't need a more distinctive name.

"Frohe Botschaft…" she snorted sarcastically. That's what they called it. That must have come from the thing's mouth itself. It had a strange sense of humor. She had arrived at the center. It was a chaotic amalgamation of places she had known; command centers, holding cages, launch shafts, hangars, underground train stations, cafeterias. No rhyme or reason to it, everything was bunched together randomly at odd angles, with no regard for aesthetics. They stood around, at various locations in the metal cavern, looking at the thing at the center. It was sitting in a lake of blood and putrid bile.

"Why can't they see it?" she wondered, not for the first time. Misato was there, of course. She looked hopeful, smiling, proud. She couldn't hide her fear and confusion, clutching her stupid cross. Thinking that she was fighting for a good cause. Poor, stupid, sad Misato. Asuka couldn't bring herself to hate her. She would hit her, of course. Hit her very hard, if she ever got the chance to see her again. That chance would never come, of course. "I saw what you did. I don't care that you were bleeding out, I don't care that you saved him before…" she muttered angrily.

Akagi stood next to her, her arms folded. Clutching a folder to her chest like a piece of armor. She looked frightened. She feared it, she had long suspected what it was. That fear made her arrogant; she mistook the other's lack of apparent fear as ignorance. She thought she understood the thing better than most, because of that. But she never understood what it really was, until it was too late. Nobody did. "She's no longer suitable for pilot purposes… I suggest we prepare a new core…" she remembered her words. "Did you even have the faintest idea of what you were talking about? What that means?" Asuka snorted. In the end, the doctor had gone along with almost everything. Did she have… something like a conscience, even? But still, she couldn't really hate her. She was just another puppet, like everyone else here, controlled by the thing. Like Asuka herself.

The idiot's father, up there on a gantry near the thing. Fool. Thinking he has to meddle personally again. "Why don't you just sit up there at your desk and do nothing. That's your job. Let the others do their jobs. You'll just fuck it up. Like that one time you were commanding us directly." she spat. He was talking to a maintenance tech, and helping to lift up one of the armor plates. "Like a politician posing with a pickaxe, for a photo in a mine. Interrupting someone's work to show how much you care, before going back to your penthouse. Pathetic. She's not in there, you moron." she continued. Gendo had extended his hand towards the exposed flesh of the thing, he seemed to caress it. He didn't even notice how a toothed jaw formed around his hand to bite it off. "The thing gave you the best paid job because it knew you where too incompetent for anything else. I pity your son for being spawned by you, no wonder he's so stupid…" she trailed off, and took a moment to look at the thing itself.

"Why can't they see it?" she asked herself, again. They saw them as separate units, she remembered now. As weapons, machines, warriors, guardian angels. She shuddered at the thought. They gave them numbers. It was ridiculous. You couldn't number the organs of a body, and treat them as separate entities, independent of each other. Let alone the organs of a monstrous deity beyond your comprehension. Morons.

Fourteen heads. "No…", Asuka corrected herself. "Minus one… Thirteen… the Idiot's one isn't here for some reason, he's not around either… lucky for him, I guess." she thought. She suddenly realized that he could be in a place similar to this one, run by his mother. "Poor Idiot…" she sighed, and looked down for a moment.

She looked at it again. It was a mass of misshapen flesh and metal, twisting, bubbling, mutating. The heads of 00, 03, and 04 stuck out from the back. The thing was half-dead, black ooze dripped from necrotic tissue. Not that the rest of the twisting, undulating amalgamation seemed to care much. It was formless, it stank, it was disgusting. Cables and pipes hung from it, feeding it, removing waste. The nine mouths were constantly salivating and grinning madly. The head of Unit Two was like a crown atop the thing, staring proudly. It had finally gotten to the top rank after her rival had left. She was the Queen now.

"That makes me a princess, huh?" Asuka snorted. Suddenly, there was a commotion. Alarm sirens were blaring, people began running around, shouting orders. One of the wombs opened, and spat out the girl. Five or six years old. Herself. Sad, traumatized, trying her best to hide it behind a mask of cold anger and pride. She was picked up and carried away by medics.


Unlike an ant queen, the thing was sterile. It couldn't give life, it could only take. It had to steal wombs, to use them for itself. Her mother was in there, she realized. She had to die, so that thing could give birth to Asuka, then devour her, birth her, again, and again. It had five children, as far as Asuka knew. The first and fifth were freaks, incestuous births, alien crossbreeds; well, it was a royal family after all. The fourth one had gotten away somehow, she hoped, he wasn't such a bad guy after all. She didn't see him in this place. His mother was still in there, though, probably. The Idiot was gone as well… that left herself. The last one alive. Her favorite, her special darling, her princess.

She watched the girl for a while.

The girl was put on a conveyor belt. There were many different paths to take, some worlds would lead to to meet Shinji, others wouldn't; some didn't have impacts or angels, yet the EVAs were still waiting for her in one form or another. She was paraded around, people trained her, praised her, congratulated her. The girl went along with it, she believed it all. She clung to her pride as to a lifeboat. "Poor, stupid girlbut I can't help you, I'm sorry." Asuka muttered pensively.

The girl was put into the thing again, over and over. She smiled, she looked proud, she looked happy. Asuka shuddered, and held her stomach. Good thing she hadn't eaten anything today. She knew that each time, something was taken from the girl. It ate a piece of her soul. The thing shuddered with perverse delight every time the plug went in. Asuka retched, but she quickly controlled herself again.

The girl was given attention, made addicted to it, only to have it taken away from her afterwards. Expensive toys were being heaped upon her, only so that she could rip them apart in solitude. She was being lied to. She slowly realized that, but she couldn't admit it, it made her desperate. She was probed, studied, analyzed. People were jerking off to her, behind mirror glass, so she couldn't look at them. It became harder. Akagi talked sternly at her, discussing her synch ratio, as if she was a prized milk cow whose production had declined. "Be a good girl, be better, concentrate, don't think this or that, or else I'll have to dissect you, understand?". Failure began to set in. She was almost ready. Ready to be sacrificed and forgotten. Cast aside. A broken tool. Then, she would be fed to the thing one last time, everybody would die, and everything would start over again.

Asuka sighed, and looked away. This was the end, all that happened had been leading up to this point. The thing was a god. It was above time, above causality. It had existed here, at this endpoint in time, as it watched reality unfold. It had orchestrated its own birth, carefully guiding everyone involved. It had pulled the strings from beyond, for millennia; it had pulled reality towards its own, private future. It had put ideas in peoples heads. Scrolls. Desires. Delusions of grandeur. It was a master manipulator, using humans as tools to manifest its own existence, before casting them aside. It made them cause Second Impact, it awakened Angels of Death so it could devour them, and usurp their thrones. Nobody had seen it coming, nobody could have resisted it. It had won, there wouldn't be anything else after it.

And all it could do now was sit here, gorge itself, and celebrate its great triumph. Making Asuka and the others go through the same events again and again, a never-ending nightmare. The circumstances were different each time, but the outcome was always the same.

"No matter what you'd have tried, no matter how hard you'd have fought against me, you'd always have ended up here, with me… And I'm gonna remind you of that, over and over again..." she imagined the thing say, in a petulant voice, as its eyes stared at her. Sore winner, that one.

Asuka scratched her head. It was time to do something interesting again, so she turned around. She stopped as she caught a glimpse of the girl again. She had been retrieved from the plug, seemingly comatose. She was rushed to a hospital bed. She was still an important asset, she couldn't die yet. People were discussing the right treatment; they looked at monitors and x-rays, but not at her. Misato stood there. She looked like she wanted to take the girl's hand, to comfort her, but then she sighed and walked away. She found someone else to make her forget.

"Birth, and copulation, and death. That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks…" Asuka recited, but she interrupted herself with a chuckle. "Except, I don't even get the good part." she said, thinking back to that memory.


Shinji could have killed her then, or done worse. It would have been painful, but at least it would have meant she was alive. You can only kill or rape things that are alive. But oh no, he was polite. Always so polite. And he had shown her the truth, he was very honest.

She was truly useless. Only her appearance was good for something. An emotional stimulus that caused an irritating physical reaction. Expansion. Something that to be dealt with in the simplest, most straightforward manner, so one could carry on. Contraction. Asuka was a broken tool, but her batteries could be still drained. Recycled. She was nothing but a reservoir of heat, driving a cyclic process. He was the opposite, he was nothing but a heat sink for her; a mirror to justify her own existence. That engine turned slower and slower, as both of them exhausted each other's potential. Until everything was leveled out, and entropy won. Death.

"Thermodynamics. Look at my tits, you're a pervert, don't look at my tits, you're boring. Hold me, but don't touch me. That's what I've been teaching him all this time… I didn't even understand it myself, until he did that. He understood, he did it, again and again, until he wanted to die. I taught him that." she thought, and sighed, remembering him just sitting there, not even flinching as they were about to murder him. Or in the cage, as his mother had waited, until she herself was murdered. He was already dead by then. Spent. Power off. Lights out. Too exhausted to sleep.

She knew he had been different once; even though she hadn't seen the complete picture, only the most prominent, painful memories near the end. But she now thought that maybe, he had… cared, in a way. That there could have been other paths imaginable. "No, there couldn't have been..." she thought, and looked at the thing again. It had all been preordained, right until the moment in the kitchen. He had to despair. She had to say 'no'. The cycle had to end, the pendulum had to stop. Everyone had to die, so that thing could live. It was a ritual. The thread of fate was spun by an artificial god. An abomination was at the steering wheel. There simply wasn't anything they could have done about it.

The decisions of their lives had radiated back from that transcendent point, where they were both shared godhood for a moment. All of it had led to them destroying each other. Matter, and antimatter.

"Sad… really sad… and really disgusting..." she sighed, and looked at the base of the thing. The SEELE members were prostrating themselves before it, and got rewarded by a shower of rotten black goo spraying from one of its orifices. They congratulated themselves. They were in control, after all. Asuka shrugged.

"I've seen enough, Wondergirl. Can't say I care too much for this place." she said after a pause, and turned around to face Rei.

"Then, what is your wish?" asked the glowing, blue-haired girl, hovering above the floor behind her.

Asuka looked at the thing again. She pointed at it with a mischievous grin.

"Mhh, so, I think I'd like to..." she began, and her grin became wider.

The thing looked at Asuka. It's eyes widened. It didn't want to die.


Good Morning

Asuka awoke from an unsettling dream, to the feeling of half her body missing. She was laying face-down on the sand, wearing her plugsuit. Everything was wet and sticky. Sand clung to her face. Her mouth tasted terrible. She felt nauseous. There was a dead world around her. She remembered then, why she hated mornings.

She could feel her legs, parts of her waist, her breasts, but nothing below them; she remembered she had felt something similar one time. It felt uncomfortable, as if there was a hole dug under her stomach. She found that she could still feel her back, so she turned around. Then, she opened her eyes.

Blood. Blood in the sky. A ring.

She blinked, and her eyes widened in terror. She shot up.

"Ahhg… great! Now there's sand stuck in my hair, zum Kotzen!" she shouted, and her shoulders sank. "Hrrmph!" she groaned. She closed her eye, and rubbed the sand off her face.

After a moment. Asuka looked up to the ring again. "Huh… weird. Guess that's why everything looks so red now… so, when can I take a shower?" she muttered, and looked at the bandages on her body.

She remembered why those bandages were there. Then she turned around, and saw the reason standing before her in the sea. Her mood sank a little, but then she realized it. They were dead, headless. Fossilized remnants, material imprints in space, not even true corpses. They were gone.

"Sayonara, bitches… I got you in the end…" she said with a triumphant grin, and a middle finger. Her saliva had accumulated enough to wash away the LCL, so she spat it into the sea. Then, she saw the giant half head in the distance.

"Thanks, I guess… I bought you noodles once, you resurrected me; so, we're quit now, right?" she said with a wink, grinning to her. Then, she looked at her belly. She began poking it, prodding, trying to feel skin and muscles through the material of the suit. Finally, she punched it lightly a few times; she relaxed as she felt nothing squishy or weird. "Hmmm… seems like something's in there… and not outside. That's a good start..." she said, and nodded. Then, it occurred to her that she didn't know what exactly was in there.

"How do I know if all that stuff down there still works…" she wondered, and flinched. She just realized that there were ways to find out, and gulped. That thought didn't help against her nausea at all. "L-later, let's look at my arm first…".

"So… bones, muscles… no weird movements. An elbow, a wrist – one of each, not two. So far, so good. Sucks that I can't feel much, but as long as it still moves, I guess..." she said after gripping her arm at various points, turning it, and trying out her hand. It felt numb, alien, but it obeyed her commands, if in a slightly sluggish manner.

She realized she was hesitating to touch her eye, so she doubled down on it. She couldn't feel much through the patch, but at least there wasn't a hole at the back of her head, nor blood, just sticky, slimy hair and sand, yuck. A faintly numb spot, maybe? Not sure. Remembering the lance strike, she wondered if she would even know it if a part of her brain was missing, it didn't feel that way, at least. How could she even find out? She put that question on the "too uncomfortable, think about that later, not now" stack of questions in her head, that was already occupied by such lovely topics such as the state of her bowels, her reproductive organs, her eye, the fact that everyone was dead, and what the hell was she going to do.

Feeling sufficiently confident that she wasn't going to fall apart at any moment, she sat down again. "Hmm… okay, so what now?" she asked nobody in particular. Her gaze fell on the petrified white giant again. She smirked as she saw the hole in its side, remembering how it got there. She sighed. Those things had been invincible, true gods, compared to her Unit 02, only a false god. "Yeah, thanks for nothing, Wonderboy… I bet you had much more important things to do with that fancy S2 engine of yours, didn't you?" she grumbled, but she couldn't really muster the strength to be angry. It felt silly to dwell on that. It wasn't really his S2 engine, after all. She let the thought go. She realized it was just a way to distract her from thinking about her situation. A situation that she still hadn't really acknowledged yet, and it scared her.

She chuckled. "Ohh... right. Kayfabe! I get it now!" she said, and held up her thumb to the white giant. Slowly, she turned her thumb towards the ground. "The emperor has decreed that… Asuka has to die, sorry about that. But it was a good show, the ratings were stellar!" she said merrily. It was true. They could have dealt with her on the spot, but they came on her one by one, to make it appear as if she had a chance. For whom? For the NERV crew watching? For Asuka? For the JSSDF troops that got crushed underneath? Who knew. Maybe they just did it for themselves, to keep things interesting. "It was a fun fight though… the first time I really felt alive in ages. Well… at least until I didn't. That part at the end really wasn't fun." she continued. She sighed. People had died worse deaths, she knew that. At least those things had the decency to finish her off, eventually.

They needed nine lances to do that, she realized with a sly grin. Nine. Overkill. They had to rip her apart to make her stop. They had to make sure. They were afraid.

"Hmm… and considering what I did later, maybe that was some kind of preemptive punishment?" she thought, and got up.


She cleared her throat. "Hrrmph-hrmmph. So, Rei? Let me talk to your, uhh, flock, for a bit, okay?" she said, and addressed the ocean.

"So, I realize that some of you might hold me responsible for all this, but you're wrong. Let me explain. Look, I didn't know that turning down that pervert would end the world, okay? How could I have known? I mean, he was proposing to me before the eyes of god, literally. Idiot picked a bad moment, I wasn't in the mood. I just got tortured to death moments before – he didn't do much to earn my acceptance there. And it all happened just a couple days after I tried to starve myself. He didn't even bother to get me a ring, or at least a bunch of flowers, or something. Talk about being insensitive, pah." she spat, and looked down sadly. For a moment, she enjoyed the imaginary, sympathetic nods directed at her.

"Oh, did I mention he choked me for that, too? I'm kinda the victim here, you know. Also, I had a really bad time in general, bad parenting, seeing my mother die, being a child soldier, and so on. Alleviating circumstances, right? So, if anyone wants to put me before a tribunal, or against a wall, please speak now, or remain silent forever." she continued, and finished her speech by solemnly spreading her arms. She paused, waiting for the little annoying voice in her head.

She grinned, as no response came. "Good, good, so you agree. So, next agenda item. Did you know that I also saved the world a lot, before all that? You must have seen the news. I mean, you wouldn't even have your stupid dream sea if it wasn't for me… Okay, sure, Shinji helped out here and there. Yeah, Rei too, I suppose, moral support for him and all that... Hey! You, over there, I can hear you, stop talking! This is my final monologue, show some respect!" she shouted and stomped her foot, pointing angrily at a random spot in the ocean, and continued after clearing her throat indignantly.

"So, I also tried really hard to stop all this, by fighting against those immortal god machines. Hrmmpf. Yes, damn it, I lost, okay? I know that, you don't have to rub it in, dying and getting eaten was bad enough. I was in bad form, cold start from a coma and all that, no umbilical cable. But still, I think I should get an 'A' for effort. So, what do you think, maybe I deserve, uh, I don't know, a medal? Or, a pat on the shoulder at least? Do I get personal injury compensation? A disability pension might be appropriate too; my body is still kinda messed up, as you can see. Do I get… paid, at all? Can I have a pony? I want a pony. A mountain bike would be great too. I saw a good one in the Tokyo 3 Mall once, with 21 gears, it wasn't that expensive…" she said, and shrugged expectantly, waiting for a reply.

"Oh, so, you need some time to think about it, I get it. Well, I'll be here for a while, just let me know when you can arrange something, okay? Or just call Misato if I'm unavailable. I understand that it might take a while, considering the circumstances…" she trailed off, and looked around at the devastation.

Slowly, her grin faded, and she sank back onto the beach. "Talking to dead people isn't fun… a dead world… a grave-world..." she muttered sadly, and stayed silent for a while, looking down on the sand.

She took a deep breath. "Well, no sense in sitting here like an idiot until I rot, might as well take a look around the place…" Asuka said eventually, and left with no particular goal in mind.


She wondered how many N2-bombs would have been necessary to do this. She wondered if it looked like this everywhere. "There's a giant ring of blood in the sky, of course it's like this everywhere. What else would it mean? It means hardcore biblical stuff, that's for sure. I've survived the apocalypse, the real one; not some cheap, meat-free knock-off apocalypse for pussies. I'm too good for that, I deserve the real deal." she proudly declaimed to herself.

Better not to give in to false hopes. She wondered how long she would be able to do so. "Well… can't say I'm too happy about that… but at least I'm not in that puddle anymore… that really sucked..." she muttered, as she walked along the beach. She had thought about climbing one of the little hills behind the shore, or get closer to one of the scattered steel skeletons that had been buildings once. But she didn't feel very adventurous in her current state, so she took the easy path.

How much time had passed? She honestly didn't know. It didn't feel like much, only days since she was in that hospital. They put her under there, so maybe that wasn't a good reference. She could remember the fight against the EVA series like it happened yesterday, though. Still, the pain and horror of it was distant, numb, a nightmare from eons ago. From a different life. "My dreams… how long did I dream? A day? Ten thousand days? Ten thousand years?" she wondered. It was all very hazy now, but she felt she had spent ages in there, somehow. As if she had climbed off the arrow of time, and spent some time moving perpendicularly to its direction, before jumping down again. But where had she landed?

"Hmmm… okay, let's say ten thousand years. That sounds like a good number, I like it. Maybe there's a way to find out, but I'm not sure… could I find out by watching the stars, or…" she muttered, and stopped. Her eyes blinked curiously, she saw something interesting in the distance.


She stood among the poles for a good while. They perplexed her. They must have been put up by the Idiot recently, his stupid shovel was still lying there. What did they mean? She thought she had seen something similar before. They were made of wood. Where did he get the wood? Fossils. Fossilized wood, he must have dug it up. Ten thousand years is not that long. Why is there a wooden board with a pot and a tea can? He's lying over there. Why is he lying over there? Why is he even there? He can't be there. Is this a dream again? Care to explain, Wondergirl?

Her mind raced to come to a conclusion, when his laughter interrupted her. The sound startled her. "I have never heard him laugh like this… have I ever even heard him laugh, at all?" she muttered. "He sounds… carefree, happy. Unhinged, almost. Has he gone mad?" she wondered, and looked towards Rei. "What's so funny?" she asked, and she froze. She saw something on one of the poles. She recognized what it was. "M-misato? What... Oh… Oh no..." she muttered with horrified eyes, and her mouth fell open.

Slowly, she turned around. It felt like her blood froze in that moment. "A-asuka…" she whispered, her eyes wide with terror as she looked at the symbols on the largest pole. She stood there for a long while, frozen in place. Slowly, her thoughts returned, after having been silenced by an icy blackness.

"Grave markers. Of course, stupid japanese customs, how could I forget… Idiot couldn't even be bothered to dig a proper grave for me…"

"So, that's it then… he buried me… he's forgotten me... of course, it all makes sense now. He's some kind of immortal mad god now. Some blessing by his god mommy, I suppose. That's why he looks so immaculate and boring. He's spending eternity by looking at Wondergirl. The only one good enough for him. He's too stupid to think of anything else to do. That's why he's laughing. Look at them, laughing and smiling at each other. Two idiotic gods just needed the world to end to find happiness. How very… romantic, pah." she muttered to herself in a distraught tone. She felt a dark hole open up in her chest.

"Even with half a head, she's still better than me…" she realized, and anger welled up in her.

She grabbed the stupid shovel. "You think I'm dead? You think I'd let you kill me? You think I'd just leave you in peace, after what you did to me? Well excuse me, I don't think so, Idiot!" she shouted.

Violating the grave marker felt great. "What's that? Some stupid offering? A consolation prize? What are you staring at, Idiot?" she thought, as she contemplated what to do with the little pot beneath the pole. He was looking at her. She was confused.

"Maybe I should just throw it into the sea…" she thought. She looked around. The poles felt uncomfortable, creepy. Watching her silently. "Papa… why did they have to die?" she heard a little girl say in her head.

"What the hell am I even doing here…" she muttered, and sank on the ground. It was hopeless. It was the end. It was absurd. "Hmmm…" she sighed. She lifted up the lid of the pot, carefully, not knowing what to expect. Asuka looked at Shinji for one last time, but he had turned away. No answers could be expected from him, as well.

It was still warm. It smelled nice. It smelled like home. She shuddered as a wave of emotions flooded her. Her memories came alive, in a vivid way. An empty coloring book that was suddenly filled in by forgotten sensations. Happiness, fear, pain. All that she had. All that she would never have. All that was lost. She realized where she had been before she died, and where she was now. She sighed. This was reality. This was the end. She slowly placed the lid back on the pot.

"Why is there food in that thing? Stupid Wonderboy and his magic tricks, I swear… so dumb, feeding a corpse, what's the point of that? Such an idiot, so annoying, I can't stand him… I hope he doesn't come over here, I'll punch him… just leave me alone… keep your stupid gifts, as if I need anything from you..." she whispered, to distract herself from the tears that were threatening to erupt from her eyes.

She sat there for a long time, staring at the pot. There was a piece of duct tape glued to its side, she pulled it off. A photo was printed there, a face. An unknown person, smiling at her. A forgotten gift. Asuka scratched her head. "Hmmm…" she sighed, and looked towards the sea. She looked towards the dead land. "Ughh…" she moaned, and bit her lip. "Great, I can feel sick, but I can't feel hunger… guess I don't have an appetite right now…" she whispered. She fiddled around with her hair, picking out a few grains of sand. "Hrrmph…" - she frowned, and glared angrily at the glittering grains on her fingertip. She got up.


"What happened to him? Who even… is that person? Do I know him? Does he know me? This all makes no sense…" she wondered. She was kneeling beside him. He looked so happy, so content. She had never seen him like that, or had she?

Slowly, she lifted her hand, bringing it closer to his cheek. "Isn't this… what I came here to do? To say that I'm sorry? To forgive him? To be angry at him? To demand an apology? To… h-hug him? I really don't know…" she thought, and pulled her hand away. It all seemed too absurd, too unreal. Maybe later. "Also, I'm not gonna touch him while he's sleeping, that would be creepy…" she thought. She had no idea what she was supposed to do now. So, she just laid down on the sand next to him. There was nothing else to do, after all.

"Hmm… I wonder what I'll do when he wakes up… guess that depends on what he'll do. He'll probably run away from me, yeah great, then he'll stumble into some crater and I'll have to save him again. Or, he's going to jerk off – ughh, I really hope he's not going to do that again, that would be so gross… I'm gonna punch him if he tries that, yeah. See if he dares to punch back, hit a girl who just came out of the hospital, coward. Hrmmph. So, that's all I can think off. Maybe I should bet on what he'll do? No, that's stupid, there's nobody to bet against." she thought, as she slowly became very sleepy. She looked at the sky again.

"Hmm… that thing looks kinda nice, I'll give it a name… hmm, how about... Asuka's Magnificence? Hmm, don't know. Let's see, The Eye of Asuka... Asuka's Circle of Fire... Asuka's Ring of Terror... Asuka's Bloody Vengeance… no, that sounds kinda dumb. Whatever. I'll come up with something later. No, I'll have Baka-Shinji come up with something, that's his job, it'll better be good or I'll…"

Asuka yawned. She tried to fall asleep for a while, until something fell into the water.


Epilogue


"What? Are you serious? Are you stupid? Of all things, of all the things you could ask, you ask me that?" she shouted at him. She glared at him. She didn't mean to do that, and she felt a little bad for it – she knew he would probably flinch, fall over, run away from her if she shouted like that, like a scared animal. But she didn't care in that moment. Then, she realized that something was wrong. He didn't flinch. He didn't run away. He didn't say "Sorry." He didn't start crying again. He just looked at her, deeply, calmly, almost stoically. Not staring in fear, just… watching her face, while he sat upright, no longer hunched over like a sack of potatoes. It was annoying.

I twas confusing. It was unexpected. It was… kinda scary. "Shouldn't have shown him how to eat… now he's all creepy and weird again… At least he's not trying to kill me anymore, so that's something..." she thought. Asuka averted his gaze, and her eyes darted from side to side in confusion.

"I mean… what do you expect? This place sucks! It's terrible! I'd rather be anywhere else than here! Isn't that obvious? What an idiotic question. Hrmph." she finally said, and crossed her arms in annoyance.

Shinji nodded in agreement, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes, that's exactly how I think about this place as well. Sorry, but I had to make absolutely sure." he said, with a cautious smile. "Then, let's go somewhere else…" he added, and got up.

Asuka rolled her eyes at that ridiculous notion. "Whatever. Lead the way, Idiot…" she said, not expecting a reply.

"Alright. Can you bring these things back please? Just behind that hill over there, it's not far… there's more food there, if you want some later... uh, and some clothes, too." he said, pointing to a faint column of smoke some distance away. "I'll meet you there, I have to take care of something quickly…" he said, and walked towards the little graveyard.

Asuka was puzzled, as she walked up the little hill. "Is he actually doing something? Did he actually tell me to do something? Am I actually doing it? Does he have… agency? A plan? A spine? Who is this guy? Who... who am I, even?" she wondered. Then, she was even more puzzled by the sight of a battered military ATV, a tent, and a fireplace. "Hrmmpf… of course, I should have known, he's enjoying a peaceful little camping trip while I suffer in hell… how typical." she grumbled. She looked back from the top of the hill, and saw Shinji pushing over and breaking the remaining grave markers, in a very enthusiastic manner.

A smile formed on her lips, and she blinked a few times. "Hmm. Baka." she sighed. She sounded relieved. Asuka watched him for a moment, then she turned away.


Thank you for reading, and Congratulations!