Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 63: Do Not Fist Android Girls, or: The Blacksmith


Finally. It had taken him so much time and effort and dealing with Alyx and that fucking cat, but finally, Jaune had made it to the tree.

He stepped through the opening to the tree, steadily making his way through it until finally he got to a large chamber. This was it – this was the end of his journey, or at least, it was supposed to be. He'd been here for so long, and now finally, the end was at hand.

And he couldn't wait to make it back to Remnant and see his friends again.

Of course, that begged the question.

"Alright, so how am I supposed to get back to Remnant in the first place?"

Naturally, only silence answered him. Jaune let out a tired sigh, bringing a hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose.

"Way to go, Jaune," he said to himself. "You spent all that time and energy trying to make it here, and yet you've got absolutely no idea what to do now. But then again, what else is new? Not like you've ever managed to not fuck something up entirely…"

"Don't be so hard on yourself," a strange woman's voice suddenly announced. "I'm sure you were only doing your best."

Jaune paused, then turned around, one hand drifting to his sword. From out of the darkness, a strange-looking woman appeared. She was like a big robot, somehow, except her design was completely fantastical – she looked nothing like Penny, after all.

Oh fuck, I just reopened the Penny wound.

Jaune suddenly doubled over, gasping for breath as panic set in. He'd made so much effort trying to block the memories of Penny from his mind, and now they were flowing back all over again. Somehow, it was even worse than his memories of trying to ask Weiss out.

Jaune sat there, sucking in deep gulps of air, until he felt a clockwork hand rest on his back and begin to rub gentle, soothing circles into him.

"There, there," the robot woman said. "It'll be alright, I promise."

"Who… who are you?" Jaune managed to get out.

The mechanical woman gave him a thin smile. "I am the Blacksmith. And you are a long way from home."

"Yeah, you've got that right…" Jaune sighed tiredly. "Judging by the fact that you aren't trying to kill me, I take it that you're not my enemy?"

"I am nobody's enemy," the Blacksmith replied. "Just as well, too – I am one who should not be involved in the affairs of mortals. Hence why I stay here, in the Great Tree."

"Uh-huh…" Jaune let out a groan, then struggled to his feet. "Well, sorry to intrude. I'm really just here to look for a way back to Remnant. I don't suppose you know where I can find that?"

"Oh, but of course," the Blacksmith said.

"Oh, for real? Nice. I've been here for awhile, you see, and-"

"There is a price for it, however."

Jaune paused, then let out a sigh. "...Okay. What am I doing for you? Do I need to collect, like, twenty bear asses or something? Maybe fumigate your house for you, or some other dumb odd job like that? Maybe-"

"Sleep with me."

Again, he paused. "Come again?"

"Sleep with me," the Blacksmith repeated. Somehow, a faint, luminescent blush crossed her face, and she began pushing the tips of her index fingers together. "I know that's very bold of me to say, but… it gets very lonely inside the Tree. I haven't had a strapping young lad such as yourself visit in quite some time."

"But… you're a robot," Jaune pointed out.

"Actually, I am an automaton."

"Is there a difference?"

"Yes, but that's not important right now. What is important is this: I am of divine origin, and-"

"Wait, you're a God?" Jaune questioned. "But… you're artificial. How does that work?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what, did someone build you or something? Was it the Brothers?"

"The other way around, actually. I made them."

"That somehow makes even less sense. Did you create yourself?"

"Essentially."

Jaune just stared at her, and she sighed. "'Let there be light, and there was light'. The light had to come from somewhere."

"Right, right, I'm not debating that, it's just… who created you, then? Because you are clearly-"

"Look, do you want to get laid or not?"

Jaune bit his lip. "I mean, that wasn't a priority for me or anything… and I'm a bit apprehensive, given your appearance. Not that you're ugly or unattractive, it's more like… I had a friend of mine who was also a robot, who I just had to kill, so even just looking at you is bringing back all kinds of trauma that I'd rather keep buried, and-"

"I'll let you stick it in my ass."

"Fuck it, we ball," Jaune said instantly. "You got lube around here?"

"I'm a blacksmith," she said as she took him by the hand and began to lead him deeper into the Tree. "Of course I've got lube around here."

"Bitchin'. Let's do it."


"We're finally here…" Weiss announced, doubling over as they all stepped inside the Great Tree. "And to think it only took us a single suicide and a forced romantic pairing to get here."

"A forced what?" Yang asked accusingly.

"Really? That's the part that gets you riled up, not the part about your sister killing herself? Even for you, that's cold."

"To be fair, Ruby was a complete bitch this volume," Blake replied.

"Only because you two were more concerned with sucking face and muff diving than with the fact that she was clearly in distress mentally, to the point where she literally killed herself."

"Weiss, you have no room to talk," Yang pointed out. "You did just as much to help her as we did, IE nothing, and you don't even have the excuse of exploring your sexuality to help you cope with it."

A vein pulsed in Weiss' forehead. "Oh, come on! I am her partner from Beacon, I've done my fair share of babysitting her already."

"And I'm her big sister, I've had to do that shit for seventeen years."

"Actually, yeah, you're right." Weiss turned to Blake. "Guess it's on you, then."

Blake rolled her eyes. "Oh, piss off. I barely even know Ruby. It's not my fault she ascended."

"I'm gonna ascend you if you don't start talking sense right now-"

"Are you three done yet?" Jaune asked, impatient. "Because this is becoming downright painful to listen to. How the hell did you all even make it this far if you're this close to strangling each other already?"

"The same way anything works in this show – because the plot demanded it," Yang said. "By the way, what happened to Penny? You were the last to fall, so she should be here, right?"

"Uh, yeah, about that," Jaune began. He paused. "...Hey, who wants to hear about why I'm an old man instead?"

"Actually, I'd rather hear about-"

"You know, I would rather hear about the old man thing," Weiss said. Yang and Blake both gave her an unamused look, and she rolled her eyes. "Oh, blame a girl for trying."

"Yeah, that's gonna take some explaining," Jaune said, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his head. "So I guess I'll just let the person responsible for it explain. Babe, you can come out now."

"Babe?" Weiss echoed in disbelief.

The Blacksmith emerged from the shadows, walking up alongside Jaune and planting a quick kiss on his cheek. "The old man thing would be my doing," she said. "Consider it a bit of appeal for myself."

"What kind of appeal?" Blake asked.

"You of all people should know. Sometimes, you just want to call a big, strong man Daddy while he claps your cheeks."

"I'm sorry, who are you?" Weiss asked, putting a hand on her hip. "And more importantly, what do you have that I don't?"

"Well, that's simple," the Blacksmith said. "I'm the one who created all of Remnant, the Brothers included. But more importantly… I'm not a brick on both sides. Hoe."

"Ooh," Yang jeered. "Shots fired, Ice Queen."

Weiss flipped her off. "I'll have you know that I've developed more this volume, but just in case I haven't, flat is justice."

"Flat is not justice, Weiss," Jaune argued. "Sometimes you just want something firm to grab and/or suck on which you're going balls deep in someone."

"Jaune, she's a robot," Weiss said, unamused. "You seriously mean to tell me you're into that?"

"Fuck yeah, I'm into that," Jaune said without a moment's hesitation. "And you know what? The more mechanical she is, the better. 2B? Fuck that, just gimme a Gundam in lingerie. Just gimme a Metal Gear in a G-string. Just gimme Samus Aran, but the armor stays on during sex."

"How is she supposed to have sex if the armor stays on during it?" Blake asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The Blacksmith makes it work, so there's no reason Samus can't," Jaune specified.

"About that," Yang ventured. "How do you two… you know… fuck?"

"It's not easy," Jaune admitted. "It involves copious amounts of lube. Thankfully, she can just create that stuff, otherwise we'd be in trouble."

"So you're really going all-in on her being the creator of everything, then?" Weiss questioned.

"Yes, because she is," Jaune insisted.

"Okay. Then she should prove it."

"What good is faith if I have to prove it?" The Blacksmith asked. "Either you believe or you don't. I'm not my sons, I don't particularly care how you believe one way or the other."

"Can we focus on what's important?" Blake interrupted. "Specifically, Jaune, exactly how long have you been down here, anyway?"

"Oh, I've only been down here for like a few weeks longer than you two," he said. "The age thing is new."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Yang said.

"It means exactly what it sounds like. I only look like this because Bae wanted someone to call Daddy and not have it be weird."

"Mission fucking failed, then, because it's still weird," Blake interjected.

"You know what, Blake? Nobody likes you. Literally nobody. Yang only puts up with you because the pussy game ridiculous. You should ascend yourself now."

Jaune turned back to Yang. "Anyway, I only fell like a few minutes after you guys. The timeline here in the Ever After gets pretty wonky, but it doesn't get that wonky. This isn't Lordran – the flow of time isn't that distorted, here. Sure, it gets a bit screwy at times, but nothing that intense. I mean, come on, did you think I got here decades in the past or something? That'd be bullshit."

"Whatever you say, man," Yang told him, crossing her arms. "So, how do we get out of here?"

"Well, it's simple," the Blacksmith said. "You just need to ascend yourself."

They all blinked. "You can't be serious," Weiss said.

"Oh, I'm serious. Drink the tea."

"I don't believe you."

"Why would I lie about this?"

"Because you don't like us."

"I mean, clearly, but I'm not that callous and heartless. Hell, if anything, I want you all gone so Jaune and I can resume the fuckfest."

"That's gonna have to wait," Jaune admitted. "I've been shooting blanks since yesterday. I need a rest."

"Hmph." The Blacksmith crossed her arms and turned back to the three girls. "I blame you three for this. You have ten seconds to explain why I shouldn't immediately ascend you all into newts or something."

"Because then there'd be no new volume?" Yang ventured.

"V10 still hasn't been confirmed, you know. The newest news we got out of this series was a set of shitty crossover movies that nobody asked for and nobody wanted."

"Oh, well, fuck me, then," Yang said.

"I object to that statement, Blacksmith," Jaune said. "I enjoyed those movies, if only because I got to bang Jessica off-screen."

"I thought you said you didn't actually do her," Blake replied.

"Are you kidding? I only said that so Pyrrha wouldn't drop a toaster in her own bathwater or something. Nah, I fucked Jess in every single one of her holes. Multiple times, in fact. It was like some kind of reverse mole frijole or something. Girl looked like she was leaking queso out of her when I was done."

"I thought you only liked robot girls," Weiss pointed out.

"I tend to make exceptions for cute, spunky Hispanic girls who are just about all over my dick."

"Understandable," Yang admitted.

"So, question," Weiss interrupted, speaking to the Blacksmith. "Were you serious about how the only way to get out of the Ever After was through Ascension?"

"I was," she confirmed.

"So then what happened to Ruby? She drank the tea. Does that mean she's back on Remnant and not actually dead?"

"Give it time, she just needs to go through some mental stuff and then she'll be back and ready to go."

"Oh, so she'll be getting character development?"

"Are you kidding? This is RWBY, there is no character development in this show."

"Hey, we get character development!" Blake protested.

"You do, but it's in the negative," the Blacksmith pointed out. "You're all steadily becoming worse as time goes on, not better."

"Says who?"

"Ask the Paper Pleasers. Jaune was here for weeks and managed to keep them alive, then you four showed up and killed them all in an afternoon."

"Uh, I take offense to that," Yang commented. "They killed themselves. We had nothing to do with it."

The Blacksmith stared at her. Yang hesitated, then added, "Okay, we had very little to do with it."

"Wait, the Paper Pleasers are dead?" Jaune asked. He shook his head. "Damn it… I liked those little guys, if only because they were the only somewhat-friendly people around here."

"That's it?" Blake asked, concerned. "That's your reason for keeping them around?"

"Pretty much. And if you're asking why I chose to shack up with the Blacksmith instead of the Paper Pleasers… it's because I don't want no papercuts."

Weiss retched. Everyone ignored her.

"I'm sorry, I'm still focused on the Ascension thing," Blake offered. "You're saying that it's exactly the same as rebirth? Because it sounds like all you're really doing is encouraging people to commit suicide."

"It is rebirth," the Blacksmith protested. "Just ask Jaune, he's done it a few times."

They all looked to him. He shrugged. "I mean, yeah, I did."

"Why did you not mention that sooner?" Yang questioned.

"Because it didn't seem important enough to dwell on."

"Jaune, we're literally trying to figure out a way to get out of the Ever After and find my sister again. Why would you think that's not important enough to mention?"

"You know, the more you all bitch at me, the less inclined I am to actually help you. Ever think of that? Of course not, you're too busy confirming the fucking CatPiss pairing to actually care about my feelings. Who gives a shit how Jaune feels, right? It's not like people die because of him and he can't do anything right, and also he killed a good friend of his."

"What was that last part?" Blake asked.

"Anyway, I'd appreciate it if you all just Ascended yourselves and let me keep tapping my automaton waifu, already," Jaune said.

"Well, how about she comes with us?" Yang offered. "If she's as powerful as she claims, then she can just snap her fingers and erase Salem and the Brothers from the timeline."

"I try not to snap people out of existence," the Blacksmith admitted. "It's far more fun to create things than it is to destroy them. Just ask Jaune."

"I'm afraid to ask what things you've created," Weiss said.

"I'm not," Blake replied. "Jaune, was it dildos?"

"It was," he confirmed with a nod. "A lot of dildos. A lot."

"I'm still confused how this whole mechanical girl sex thing is even supposed to work," Yang said.

"All you need to know is, she drops that ass on me from an egregarious angle."

"I have no idea what that's supposed to even mean."

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, could you all do me a favor and-"

Just then, there was a flash of extremely bright light from between them all. It lasted for several seconds, and when it cleared, Ruby was standing there, looking very confused. She blinked, then looked around before giving a tired sigh.

"Yup," she said. "I should've figured you all ended up here, too."

"Hey, Ruby," Jaune said, offering her a wave. Somehow this was still more than what everyone else did upon seeing her literally come back from the dead.

"Hey, Jaune. Sorry to see that you died and ended up in the afterlife as well."

"What do you mean?" Weiss asked. "Ruby, you're not dead."

"Weiss, I literally killed myself. I'm currently very dead, and if you're all here, then it means that you're dead, too."

"That doesn't make any sense! We never got killed. You're being delusional."

"Whatever, dead girl. Keep denying it all you want, I'm gonna go hunt around and see if I can't find my mom and Pyrrha."

"Ruby, seriously?" Yang questioned. "Is this your way of guilt-tripping us for not stopping you from drinking the tea?"

"I don't know, Yang, is it?" Ruby challenged. "Because last I recalled, you all just kinda sat there and stared at me as I drank it. None of you did anything to stop me. It was quite rude, to be honest."

As their group descended into bickering, the Blacksmith turned towards Jaune. "Should we do something about this?"

"Like what?" he asked. "I've learned better than to get between their petty squabbles – that's how people die, just ask Ironwood. Give it time, Ruby will figure out she's not actually dead on her own."

"If you're sure…"

"You know what?" Ruby suddenly announced. "Screw this."

She pulled out Crescent Rose and position the tip of the blade over her thigh, causing everyone to freeze.

"Don't stab yourself in the leg," Yang warned.

"You all seem to think I'm not dead," Ruby snarled. "Well, if I'm not dead, then explain why this doesn't hurt?"

She plunged the very tip of Crescent Rose into her leg. For a moment, everyone stood there, with nobody doing or saying anything. Then Ruby gave a shout of pain and fell to the floor, clutching her thigh with Crescent Rose's blade still buried in it.

"Told her," Yang said smugly. "See? This is the kind of thing I have to deal with every day."

"I'm alive!" Ruby happily cried. "I'm alive, guys! I didn't actually kill myself!"

"Oh no, you actually did kill yourself, you just came back," The Blacksmith said.

"Wait, I thought you said Ascension was different from rebirth," Blake pointed out.

The Blacksmith shrugged. "Nah, they're the same," she deadpanned. Blake stared at her, and her eyes went wide. "I mean, they're different! You're trying to mess me up on purpose!"

"Can someone please get the blade out of Ruby's leg?" Weiss asked. "Because she looks like she's in a lot of pain."

"Oh, now you care?" Ruby said through gritted teeth.

Blake rolled her eyes. "Hold on, I've got this."

"Actually, wait, can someone else do it?"

"Sure," Yang said. "Hang on, Rubes – big sister's coming-"

Ruby laughed nervously. "Um, anyone else aside from those two? Anyone at all?"

Yang paused. "...Ruby, is this a homophobic thing? Are you being anti-gay?"

"Look, all I'm saying is, this is an open wound, and that's how AIDS is spread. It's a perfectly valid concern."

"Oh, fuck right off," Yang told her. "Just for that, I hope you nicked your femoral and bleed out from it."

"Well, she didn't hit her femoral, much to your disappointment," Weiss reported, kneeling down next to Ruby to check on her. "Unfortunately, the blade seems to be stuck and won't come free, so we're going to need some other way to pry it out. Any ideas?"

"I don't know, try another blade, maybe?" Jaune ventured.

Ruby paled at that. "U-um… is there any other way?"

"Nope. Should've thought of that before you stabbed yourself in the leg. I get that you're suicidal and all, but come on, Ruby, that was just stupid."

Ruby blinked, then looked over to the Blacksmith. "Is there anything you can do?"

"Well, I could magic the scythe right out of your leg quickly and painlessly, but then again, you actively tried to kill yourself earlier, so I'm not entirely sure that's what you actually want," the Blacksmith said.

"I want to live, damn it! Give me life, giant automaton lady!"

"Oh, wow, someone actually got that right on the first try. Just for that, you can live." The Blacksmith breathed into both hands, clapped them together, and then began to rub them. "Open sesame!"

"Seriously?" Jaune deadpanned as a bright light began to fill the room. "That's your badass magic chant?"

"It counts!" The Blacksmith protested. "Technically, I'm opening the wound in her leg to then close it immediately after."

"If you say so, babe. I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm opening your asshole only to immediately stuff it after."

"You're daring today. I thought you were still shooting blanks?"

"I can't even feel my dick right now," Jaune admitted. "So yeah, still too soon."

"Damn it…"

The light dissipated, and when it was gone, Ruby was there. The scythe was out of her leg, but unfortunately, her entire right leg was now also missing. She stared at it for a moment, then turned to the Blacksmith.

"Should I be concerned about this?"

"Probably," the Blacksmith admitted. "Don't worry, it'll grow back in a few hours. But until then, I don't know, have someone carry you around."

They all looked to Jaune, and he shook his head. "No."

"Come on, you're currently the biggest and strongest out of everyone here!" Yang pointed out.

"I am not babysitting a one-legged Ruby. Two-legged Ruby is bad enough, I'm not complicating things further by pulling a leg out of the equation."

"Hey, I'm not complicated!" Ruby protested.

"You're suicidal," Weiss reminded her.

Ruby pouted. "I just need some medication, is all."

"Granted," the Blacksmith said as she snapped her fingers. A bottle of prescription pills fell from the ceiling and fell onto Ruby's chest. She stared at them for a moment before opening the bottle and looking to the Blackmsith in dismay.

"Seriously?" she said. "Two pills?"

"That's enough for the day."

"And what comes after that? Hey, I've got a better idea – instead of two Zoloft or whatever, why not just give me a bottle of my drunkle's favorite rotgut whiskey and a handgun and wait outside for five minutes? That'll solve this problem just as well, at least for you all."

"You're out of control, Ruby," Yang chastised. "Hop your one-legged ass over here, I think you need a spanking."

"Don't involve me with your creepy BDSM lesbian fetishes," Ruby growled. She tossed the bottle of prescription pills away, then rolled onto her stomach.

"Seriously, this day just keeps getting worse and worse. What next?"

"I don't know," Jaune admitted. "All I do know is that things just keep escalating. Give it another few minutes and the Brothers themselves will show up or something."

"They said they wouldn't do that unless all the Relics were collected," Blake reminded him.

"Yes, because we all know the Brothers are nothing if not bastions for keeping their word." Jaune sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Damn, and to think that I'll be dying with empty balls… what a way to go."

Just then, a figure dropped down from the ceiling. It was Neo, and she had a decidedly catlike smile onher face.

"Finally," the Curious Cat said. "Empty balls… perfect for me to fill!"

The Cat went to leap at Jaune, only for the Blacksmith to snap her fingers. There was another flash of light, and when it cleared, Neo was nowhere to be found. Jaune blinked, then turned to her.

"I thought you didn't like to snap people out of existence?"

"Yeah, well, nobody messes with my boytoy, and especially not his balls," the Blacksmith said.

"Makes sense. Dare I even ask what you did with her?"

"Oh, I sent her to Silent Hill."

Jaune let out a low whistle. "Damn. Even for you, that's cold."

"Shows what happens to people who mess with my man." The Blacksmith looked back to Team RWBY. "Anyway, can you all go now? Literally just ascend yourselves out of here."

"What?!" Ruby complained. "I just ascended myself, and now you're saying I have to do it again?! Even after everyone gave me crap about it?"

"Because when you did it, it was with the intention to kill yourself," Blake reminded her. "When we do it, it's with the intention of returning to Remnant. We are not the same."

"Did the tea at least taste good?" Yang asked.

"It tasted like a rainbow," Ruby admitted. "So you probably already know what it tastes like… since, you know, you're gay."

"You know, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask my sister to be more understanding of my newfound sexuality."

"And I don't think it's unreasonable to ask my sister to be more understanding of the fact that I tried to fucking kill myself, but that's not going to happen, either."

"Alright, enough of this," the Blacksmith declared. She snapped her fingers, and suddenly, every girl was holding a cup of tea. "Drink up, bitches. Don't keep us in suspense."

They all shared a glance, then shrugged their shoulders and drank. As Jaune watched, they suddenly disappeared. Next to him, the Blacksmith breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oh, thank Me," she said, wiping imaginary sweat from her brow. "I don't know how you put up with them."

"You get used to it," Jaune said. "Kinda. Sorta. Not really."

"In any case, it's over now, so we can get back to what we were doing."

"Sorry, still shooting blanks."

"Oh, right." The Blacksmith pointed a finger at his groin. "Skedaddle, skedoodle, your dick is no longer a noodle."

And just like that, it was like a live current had passed through him. Jaune blinked, surprised. "Huh. Why didn't we think of that sooner?"

"No idea," she admitted. "Anyway, shall we?"

"Fuck yeah, we shall." Jaune took her by the hand, and she began to lead him back to the bedroom. "Rock my world, robot lady."

She did, and it was good.

And as for the rest of Remnant… nobody cares. I mean, V10 still hasn't even been greenlit. Do you really expect me to just pull something out of thin air for a satisfying ending? The creators of this show clearly don't give a fuck, so why should I?


So before anyone says anything: This is not me bringing this story back. This story came about entirely because Ickbard and I were talking one night, and he convinced me to do one single final chapter for this story, because how often am I going to get to write comedically/shitpost about the literal god of the setting? We ended up throwing out some ideas on a whim,, and by the end of our little ten-minute brainstorming session, I had enough rough ideas/jokes going to throw this thing together.

By the way, Ickbard says he has zero remorse for you guys and that we can consider this the true and happy ending for Jaune.

Again, I'm not bringing this story back. This was a one-off chapter I threw together purely because a friend of mine convinced me to. I doubt that's ever gonna happen again, both because I've got other stuff I need to work on and because at this point I've already said basically everything I wanted to say with regards to the other female characters RWBY has to offer.

That being said, I don't regret bringing this story back for this one final chapter, short and concise as it was. It was good to revisit this story again, sort of like revisiting that old high school friend you used to have only to realize he's now got dreadlocks, a bad mustache, shitty tattoos up both arms, and identifies as pansexual. This analogy started off going somewhere and then veered completely off-course, but hopefully you get the idea behind it.

Anyway, consider this a little bonus chapter, just in time for the Christmas season. If you haven't been following me since Problems ended, hopefully you'll stick around and check some of my new stuff out. My currently-active stories are a superhero-themed Jaune/Cinder dramedy, a serious Jaune/Eve Taurus fic, and a serious Jaune/Cinder crossover with STALKER that also features Pyrrha and Ruby. Check 'em out if you're interested, but if not, thanks for reading this chapter regardless.

Hope you all have a good one!


Enjoy my work and want to help me out a bit? You can support me, as well as read more of my writing, over on Amazon. My second original story is available for purchase now, you can find it by going on Amazon and searching for 'Dead World' by John Haruspex. The story is available now for three bucks in ebook format (or free with Kindle Unlimited) or twelve bucks in paperback format, if you prefer physical media. (Remove the spaces)

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My first original story is also still available at the following link as well:

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