BRICK BY BRICK

SUMMARY: Inej pushes Kaz to explore new aspects of their relationship, but things don't go how she expects.

NOTE: Inspired by the duology of Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom, by Leigh Bardugo.

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The accounting books for the Crow Club were spread out across his desk, but Kaz wasn't looking at them anymore. He was staring sightlessly at the wall, thinking about how Inej was supposed to be returning to Ketterdam tomorrow. That is, if the tides and winds co-operated, and nothing had gone wrong with the expedition. Or if she hadn't encountered a lead on a slaver ship that might take her away for longer, maybe weeks, or months.

He'd stopped pretending, at least in his own head, that he didn't miss her. He did miss her, enormously. Missed the quiet comfort of her presence on his windowsill, missed having someone to discuss his plans with, to share a meal, or a sunset. For someone who spent years putting up barriers, creating the persona of someone who didn't need or want personal connections with anyone, it amazed Kaz how quickly he had come to value the time he spent with Inej, once he had taken off the gloves, and admitted how much he cared for her.

It helped, during the day, to be busy with the renovations and expansion plans for the Crow Club. Even making the changes to the Dregs gang: bringing on more spiders, spies for gathering information; culling the loose cannons among the fighters and bruisers; weeding out anyone less than loyal to Kaz Brekker, and his new way of doing things. All of it served as distraction, so he didn't think about the member of his crew that he had lost, set free, hoping she would return.

But the nights were harder. He had tried drinking, to help him sleep, but it didn't seem to work, and alcohol seemed to make the nightmares worse. Most of the time, the dreams about Jordie, memories of being trapped in the harbor with the dead bodies, had stopped. But the dreams about Inej had become more frequent. Sometimes relieving the past, when she had been held hostage, or when she had been knifed and lay bleeding on the dock, or any of the other times she had been in danger. Or imaginings that her efforts chasing slavers had gone wrong, leading to her being captured, hurt, dying. And the other types of dreams, those were almost as disturbing: images of touching her, kissing her, arousing in him feelings he didn't know how to deal with, turning into the panicky emotions that overwhelmed him, that elicited the sensation of cold water, clammy, rotting flesh beneath his hands, and drowning, drowning….

Pushing those memories aside, Kaz thought about Inej's response when he had admitted to her that he wanted her: "And how will you have me? Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips never touch? I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker, or I will not have you at all." Could she have been any clearer, that what she wanted was a romantic relationship, a physical relationship? He had finally admitted to himself that he wanted it too, that it might even be possible. He just didn't know how to make it happen.

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Somehow, like he always did, he sensed when she entered the room through the window, although she had made no sound. He turned, and she was standing there, a satchel slung over her shoulder. "You're early," he said, as he arose and walked toward her.

Inej placed the bag soundlessly on floor as she replied, "Favorable winds." She stood, silent, an expectant look on her face, waiting.

Sighing inwardly, Kaz knew what she wanted: for him to make the first move. It was totally reasonable, given their past, and his ….problem. He stepped close to her, took her bare hands in his, and announced, "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

"How long before you leave again?"

"I'm not sure. We have to resupply, have some small repairs to the ship done. And the crew deserve some shore leave. At least a few weeks, maybe more."

Kaz looked down at the bag, then into her face, raising one eyebrow in question.

Inej looked briefly away before returning her eyes to his. "I thought…. I might spend tonight with you, instead of going to Wylan's. I came on a whim. I know I gave you no warning. I can go-"

He interrupted, "Stay. I want you to stay." His heart started to race, and his mind was blank, except for the thought I don't know what to do now.

Inej hopped onto her old spot on the windowsill, and Kaz dragged the chair over to sit near her.

Inej asked about how the Club renovations were going, and shared some stories of her recent slaver pursuits. Once Inej thought Kaz had calmed from his initial uneasiness about her request to stay with him, she decided it was time to reveal her intentions.

She nodded over toward his desk, where she could see his black gloves crumpled on the edge. "Still wearing the gloves in public?"

"I don't know if I will ever get over my difficulty with touch regarding other people. Anyways, by now, it's part of my mystique. If I stopped wearing the gloves, people might wonder what it meant."

"I appreciate how hard that was for you at first, to take them off for me. And that you've been able to embrace me." Looking intently into his eyes, Inej added, "But I want us to move forward; I want more." She could see it in his face, his body, that Kaz was beginning to feel uncomfortable again. She sought to reassure him. "I can be patient. I have no expectations, except that we try."

"And you want to try, tonight?" He had to look away from her before continuing, "I want…to move forward too." He paused, then added "How do you want us to do this?"

Inej gestured to his desk. "Let's go over there." Kaz was puzzled, but followed obediently as she pulled him along by his hand. She gracefully positioned herself on the desk, her legs hanging down. "Remember what happened in the bathroom at the Geldrenner Hotel? When you offered to help me with bandaging the wounds on my arms?"

"Y-yes," Kaz agreed cautiously. This memory was fraught with conflicted feelings. The desire he felt for Inej; the struggle to control his rising panic as he pushed himself to do what he wanted-to touch her bare skin under the cover of helping her with her wounds; giving in to his desire and kissing her ever so lightly on her neck, followed by the overwhelming sensation of panic and drowning, that forced him to jerk violently away from her. The memory of the brief contact with her body stirred up desire, but the ending filled him with humiliation.

"We've never talked about it. But I want you to know I cherish that memory; you showed me that you were attracted to and cared for me as a woman. I have my own issues, because of my past. But I have…" Inej looked down, suddenly shy at sharing this secret. "Fantasized about that incident ending differently."

Kaz's mouth began to go dry, and his heart started to beat more quickly. Quietly he asked, "And what do you want to happen?"

"Come stand in front of me." After Kaz did so, Inej commented, "This desk is almost the same height as the bathroom counter that I was sitting on." She spread her legs apart, saying "You stood close to me, right there," pointing between them.

Kaz slowly moved to the position as directed. Warring emotions swirled inside, desire and fear. I can't do this-she wants me to do this-I need to learn to control this-But what If I disappoint her again? What if I panic?

She took his hands, and placed them on her waist. Looking into his eyes, she asked "Are you alright with this?"

No-yes-I don't know, he thought, but what he whispered was, "Yes."

Closing her eyes, and tilting her head back slightly, Inej softly directed, "Kiss me, like you did that time."

Slowly, Kaz bent his head toward the side of her neck. She wants me to do this. I want to do this. I can do this, he chanted to himself. Gently, barely touching her skin, he brushed his lips against her neck.

"Again," Inej directed. When he did so, she whispered, "Go on."

What does she mean? But he couldn't get the words out. So, he moved his lips up and down her neck, pressing more firmly. Inej begged him, "Kiss me, kiss my lips." However, the cold water was creeping up his legs; her sides, formerly so warm, were starting to feel clammy. The water was rising, he was drowning in the harbor again. The words I can't, I can't, filled his mind, and he wrenched himself away from her, turning his back, bending over as his breath came hard and fast, and his vision began to gray.

I hate this, I hate this. I hate feeling weak. It's humiliating; and I might lose her if I can't do what she wants. He was so filled with anger at himself. I'm not a child; I can control this. Kaz channeled his anger into action. Commanding himself, I can do this, he straightened, strode back to where Inej was sitting. She had let her legs come back together, but Kaz pushed them apart, and moved close to her, between them. Pulling her forcefully to him, their chests touching, he pressed his lips on hers. I want this, I can do this. Kaz was so focused on controlling his actions, giving in to his own rising passion, that was burning away the coldness, burning away the fear, that he didn't notice at first that Inej had become very still, her breathing almost imperceptible. Finally realizing the change in her, Kaz pulled back, asking, "Are you alright? What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" When she didn't respond, Kaz became more worried. He said her name over and over, finally shaking her by her shoulders. Once her eyes fluttered open, he moved away from her, asking, "What happened to you? Did I-?"

Inez cut him off. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should have warned you, I suppose." She gave a small huff that might have been a laugh. "But I know you worry so much about your own reactions to …" she waved her hand in a small circle, "this, I didn't want you to worry about my reactions also."

"Your reactions?"

"When I was …working in the Menagerie, I learned that the only way I could endure what the men did to me was by 'disappearing,' going somewhere else in my mind, so I couldn't sense what they were doing, and therefore usually didn't remember it. I knew it might happen when we ….touched in certain ways, but I expected that you would be so tentative that I would be the one pushing for what I felt ready for, so I would always feel in control, and so I wouldn't get triggered."

"I'm so sorry, Inej," Kaz apologized. "Tell me what I did wrong-"

Again, she interrupted him. "You did nothing wrong. You did what I hoped for; giving into your desire, not being held back by your fear of touch, by your panic reactions. This is progress."

Stepping back closer to her, Kaz protested, "But I don't want to make you disappear

Inej sighed. "When the slavers kidnapped me, they stole my freedom and my family from me. What I went through in the Menagerie, stole something else from me: my ability to experience pleasure, and joy, from touch, particularly …. intimate touch. I want to steal that ability back. Will you help me, Mr. Brekker, master thief?"

Kaz gave the smallest of smiles. "I generally expect payment for my thievery services."

"I'm sure we can negotiate some equitable arrangement."

After a pause, Inej continued more seriously, "If we're going to make this work, we have to keep pushing. That means we will have moments when one of us will make the other uncomfortable, anxious or frightened. We will learn from those, and get better. You do want to keep trying, don't you?"

"Yes, I do. But I think we will have to do to this very slowly."

"So, we do this slowly, step by step. And, brick by brick, we will take down the walls that separate us." She paused, then asked, "Can we try again, now?"

Kaz took a breath, released it, and replied, "If you want."

"Kiss me again."

And slowly, carefully, he did.