Chapter 48 - Reflections

The weeks that followed felt, for lack of a better word, normal.

Jon and Shawn went shopping for school supplies and clothes. Shawn spent time at the Matthews while Jon prepared his classroom and attended staff meetings prior to the start of the school year. The two of them enjoyed a few late night movies, a late night ice cream run with Ashley, and a lazy weekend around the house, just because they could.

Once school started, it was back to the usual grind. Jon planned lessons and taught classes. Shawn, more or less, attended his classes and did his work—there were a few fights over homework, and Jon had to ground him after a couple calls about Shawn sleeping through class and one about him skipping, but for the most part, he kept up his grades. Shawn spent at least a couple of evenings a week with Cory, and a couple with girls, most of whom Jon had never heard of before the day of their date and never heard of again after.

Jon himself caught up with Eli, and he got back in the habit of hanging out with his friend more often. He picked back up his gym routine, he read in the evenings, and he visited with the Matthews, who were more than thrilled to hear that Shawn was open to a permanent home with Jon, even if Jon couldn't guarantee it would work out.

Even the back-and-forth with social workers had become commonplace. It seemed like every week there was something new—a new court hearing, a new missing piece of paperwork, a new legal complication, a new relative of Shawn's that needed to be contacted or looked into. None of Jon's friends really knew what to say about any of it; all Jon could do was hold on for the ride. He couldn't complain, because it was infinitely better than the weekly question of whether Chet would make it to visits.

The one thing that felt truly new was having a steady girlfriend. Jon had hopped from woman to woman for so long, it was just his habit to flirt with bartenders and waitresses, new neighbors and new teachers. Ignoring them instead felt better than he ever could have imagined, and Ashley spent at least one evening a week with him and Shawn and one out with Jon alone. A couple of months into the school year, he even met her mom and sister, which was another first for him, at least since he'd become a teacher. It was awkward at first, but he found himself warming up to them as they warmed up to him.

Christmastime came around again, and this time, Jon didn't try to make any elaborate plans. He knew Shawn's feelings about the holiday would be complicated—even the year before, his dad had shown up in the hospital for him. This would truly be his first Christmas without his dad.

So Jon kept it simple. He and Shawn put up a tree, they bought a couple of gifts, and Jon picked up the ingredients for croquettes for dinner and a box of pastries for breakfast. They both slept in, and they opened presents to a Christmas album played over Jon's stereo (some cassette tapes and camera film for Shawn, a Cat Stevens record and a truly awful tie for Jon).

"When's Ashley coming?" Shawn asked over his third pastry.

"Just for dinner. She has her own family, you know. And you're spending the afternoon at the Matthews, remember?"

"Oh yeah." Shawn's lips curled into the mischievous grin that Jon had learned to both love and hate. "What'd you get her?"

"You'll find out tonight."

"Come on, man! I told you what I got her."

"Fine." Jon reached under the tree and pulled out a jewelry box, handing it to Shawn.

Shawn opened it, and he frowned down at the sparkling pendant.

Jon gave him a look. "What?"

"That's not a ring, Jon."

"Yeah, well—"

"Rings are the ones that go around her finger." He demonstrated with his hand.

Jon chuckled. "I'm not gonna propose on Christmas."

"New Years?"

Jon hesitated. "Yeah."

Shawn jumped straight up, throwing his half-eaten pastry across the room. "Do you have a ring?"

"I was hoping you'd help me look."

Shawn threw his hands in the air, whooping. "Wait. Can I be the best man?"

"If she says yes."

He gasped. "I can be best man?"

"Yes, Shawn."

"So I can throw the bachelor party?"

Jon grimaced. "Uh. We'll talk about it."

Shawn let out a laugh. "How about, like, a . . . free kid party for me, before you adopt me?"

"Do you want that?"

His face grew a bit more serious. "I guess not."

Jon squeezed Shawn's shoulder. "You doing okay today, Hunter?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"Good." Jon dropped his hand, but he kept his eyes on his kid.

Shawn shifted his weight. "Uh, hey, man, I wasn't sure whether to give this to you, but . . . I want you to have it."

"Have what?"

Shawn pulled a folded up piece of lined paper out of his pocket and handed it to Jon without a word. Then he picked up his new cassettes and the pastry that he'd thrown before heading up the stairs.

Jon frowned and watched him go before unfolding the paper. The edge was torn; Shawn had clearly taken it from his journal.

It took Jon a moment to recognize the date at the top. It was the day after he had almost drowned in Malta.

Jon is a good dad. I've known that since I saw him waiting for me under Cory's tree house, three weeks after I got left behind the first time. But I didn't let myself believe it. I pretended it wasn't true while he bought me new clothes and put as much food in front of me as I could eat and gave me money for field trips and showed up every time I needed him, even when I needed him to yell at me. It was easy to pretend he was just my buddy, or just my teacher.

Then he started telling me he loved me. I hated him for that, because I couldn't pretend anymore.

A dad keeps showing up for you when you need him, and he never makes you wonder whether he'll stop giving you food or clothes or love, even if you talk back to him when he gives you a lecture you really, really deserve. A dad sits with you all night in the hospital while the doctors are resetting your bones, then he gives up his date nights because he has to ground you because you couldn't be bothered to keep your curfew. A dad knows you well enough to know you're going to be climbing out of a window and jumping out of a tree house, not hiding in your friend's bedroom—and a dad is waiting for you in the yard, ready to take you home.

I kept telling Jon he wasn't my dad, because I knew he WAS, even though he wasn't. That doesn't make sense, but it's true.

I don't want to tell him that, but I told the paramedics. I guess I didn't want them to know I was a foster kid, but as soon as I said it out loud, I realized it was what I wanted. When he got trapped under the water, and I thought he was going to die, I knew it was my fault. I lost another parent, and it was my fault. Dr. Jane says it's not my fault, my parents leaving. I don't think she could say that if Jon had drowned.

He's alive, though, and he's not mad at me. That means I have a second chance. For some reason, Jon loves me and wants me to be his son, maybe even as much as I love him and want him to be my dad.

I should probably tell him that some day, but I don't think I will.