Angst angst angst hehe right down my line
Sorry not sorry, I just so enjoy putting them through pain. TW: Suicidal thoughts
Karma knows he's being a bit too drastic, but he sees no better option. Sure, going cold on Gakushuu for a few days without much explanation (the only excuse he could give was he was sleeping off the concussion) might come as a shock at first, however, he's sure his brother will be fine. After all, Karma makes sure to reply to the texts (once in a while) and Gakushuu doesn't try to barge his way in anymore after the first time. He also sounds quite calm over the text so Karma concludes all is good and well.
The three days of complete rest go by fast, mostly because he does sleep through most of it. The only times he's awake is when Koro-sensei comes by to check on him and bring him food. On day three, he's mostly back on his feet, playing games (despite his teacher's protests) and itching to finally go to class. The fact that he can't train like his friends grates on his nerves, but at the same time his ankle still kind of aches when he moves too fast and his right shoulder's mobility deteriorated so much that he struggles with as little as throwing a paper plane.
Fortunately, that too goes away after a week or so. He feels well and confident enough to see Gakushuu a few times here and there by then, even eats lunch with him once and they thankfully don't venture into what happened on the island. Karma doesn't know what diety he owes this peace to, but his brother doesn't prod nor get mad about the week and a half of distance. Subconsciously, he wonders if the reason behind it might be Gakushuu getting too much workload from school since the latter seems a bit tired. Karma should probably ask him, but there's so much going on in between assassination and his friends' seemingly endless energy reservoir that the issue completely slips out of his mind.
So all in all, things are good for him.
Gakushuu has been staring at this one particular spot on his desk so intensely that it's a miracle it's not burning yet.
Things are not good. Things are quite frankly, honestly, from the bottom of his heart the furthest away from good.
His head hurts. That's nothing strange really, neither is his ever-increasing pile of study materials, student council documents and extracurricular activities he has to tend to. It's been two weeks since they returned from the vacation and while his classmates all beam, fresh and energized after the experience, Gakushuu feels like he's spiralling down a rabbit hole. The cuts and bruises from the attack remained unnoticed by other students until they eventually disappeared, yet they have only been replaced by a different kind of ache, the one that makes him stay awake the whole night despite desperately needing the sleep.
There should be a reason for this. If someone asked him 'What's wrong?', he should have a clear answer. Except he doesn't. And no one would ever ask.
It probably started with Karma going cold turkey on him, combined with the fact that he was left completely alone to deal with the aftermath of the attack. Gakushuu wouldn't go as far as to say that it traumatized him, but having to pretend nothing happened every day in front of his classmates while his body still hurt from the injuries he suffered instilled a deep sense of desolation. Besides, god knows Gakushuu felt powerless and worried about Karma and the only thing he wanted at that point was to cradle his younger brother in his arms to assure himself that they were both alright. Yet he's denied that, along with any further contact for... no apparent reason.
He tried to cope without giving in to the urge to bombard Karma. The little shit wouldn't tell him anything, purposefully answered later and avoided him anyway. Gakushuu would be lying if he said he didn't feel mad, but he decided that if his brother didn't want to talk to him - fine. He can manage on his own. If Karma gives him silent treatment, he shall receive the same. Maybe then he'll realize that he needs to make amends with Gakushuu.
Meanwhile, he dives into work. Naturally. He takes up all the projects he can, tutors his peers (especially because he still can't get over the fact that the main campus lost to the E-class in the previous exams) and even starts going to the library to study, knowing that he'll be flocked. Being popular had its downsides, the absolute lack of tact from clingy girls belonging to the list, but Gakushuu still preferred that to the misery gnawing at him when alone.
He also increases his sports training and music lessons, leaving absolutely no free time whatsoever.
At first, it does the trick. He's left with zero energy to think of anything else than the tasks at hand, let alone worry or care about the matters involving the island incident. Or missing Karma. So all in all, his plan works well and redirects his focus on the things he can control.
Until he finds himself at the two-week mark, running on little to no sleep and feeling just as empty as the words he tells his minions on a daily basis.
Yet rather than the exhaustion, it's the complete monotony that gets to him: wake up (if he manages to fall asleep in the first place), revise study materials, go on a run, go to school, eat if he has the time, study, attend lessons or do sports, crash. If he's especially unlucky, he becomes aware of the dreariness, of how the only highlight of his daily life has ever been Karma - and that now, he's there no more.
Truly, it makes him think. What else had he ever loved in his life apart from his brother? What did he do in his free time, what did he enjoy, who else did he laugh with and feel comfortable with?
He sees the virtuosos talking to each other, joking around and genuinely having fun. He wonders why he feels none of it despite being part of the conversation too. And then he berates himself for craving something so pathetic.
On a particularly depressing evening, Gakushuu has a moment of clarity.
He doesn't have to suffer this. He's so far ahead of the study materials he could sleep through the whole semester and still ace all exams. His music teacher is running out of sheets and pieces to give him since he learns them all within a day or two. His martial arts master as well as coaches won't let him take up any more training in fear of an injury.
Maybe Gakushuu could slow down. He could go out and eat dinner, he can visit the coffee shop he likes and maybe just… breathe. He could stop replaying his father's critical comments in his head and he could text his brother. Maybe even talk to him. Ask what's going on and confess that the situation weighs Gakushuu down.
But he doesn't. The evening passes by and before Gakushuu realizes, he hears robins announcing a new morning, a new day. Except nothing's new, there are no changes to this monotone life he's created for himself and he banishes the thought of asking for help. Not as much because of his pride, but plainly because he lacks the energy and, like Seligman's helpless dogs, the ability to.
So here he sits, the last to leave the classroom. Reduced to nothing but a pounding headache, with a hole in his chest and restless from the lingering threat of class E's rising confidence being thrown at his face again by the principal. The man sure likes to remind Gakushuu of all the ways he's been failing as a leader, no matter how well he does in other areas.
He shouldn't be taking this to heart so much. His father's coldness is nothing new, neither is the pressure that comes with his expectations of Gakushuu. Yet it drives him mad, to the point that he searches for any opportunity to prove to the chairman that Gakushuu is competent.
That opportunity comes a few days later when he receives an anonymous letter (along with about 20 more love letters, but let's not dig into that) in his locker, probably from a particularly bitter individual. Its contents give information about a particular student being seen working a part-time job despite it being against the rules. That person in question: the president of the E-class, Isogai Yuuma.
So he confirms the tip personally. All he has to do is show up at the address and a time that Isogai works his shift, all provided in the letter.
Conveniently, Isogai's classmates are there too. Too easily, they give in to Gakushuu's blackmail and agree to the challenge in sports festivals. It's almost hilarious as their faces twist in horror, helplessly trying to support their class president despite knowing there's no way out of this. And frankly, they should be thanking Gakushuu for even giving them an option instead of reporting Isogai for violating the school rules twice.
Perhaps for the best, Karma isn't among them. It probably wouldn't have gone so smoothly if he was. That doesn't mean that Gakushuu avoids the consequences altogether.
"What's the meaning of this?" Karma hisses into his face after ambushing and not so gently dragging him off the street into some dirty corner.
"Oh, just remembered I exist?" Gakushuu scoffs, unable to help himself from the sarcasm.
His brother doesn't comment on that - either he doesn't register the bitterness, or he doesn't care. Whichever one it is, it hurts the same.
"Blackmailing Isogai-kun like that? What do you want?!"
Of course that's what he's being confronted about.
"What, you ignore me for weeks and suddenly when one of the trashes in your class is in trouble, you start talking to me? How convenient."
At that, Karma's hold of him loosens slightly, brows furrowing.
"Ignoring? What are you talking about? You didn't talk or write to me either since you were so busy controlling your puppets," the redhead protests. "And that's besides the matter. You know Isogai's family has financial problems and that he needs the work. He's a good person and as far as I know, he hasn't done anything to you that would make you want to complicate his life."
Gakushuu feels his blood boiling but he maintains a steady tone:
"This isn't personal. No matter how nice of a person he is, he broke the rules and I as the student council president am obliged to deal with such a violation as fit."
It's a fact, anyway, even if the situation benefits him.
"Class E has never been of any interest to you," Karma snarls.
"Maybe it started when you became part of it."
"Oh, so now it's my fault?"
The conversation becomes too emotionally taxing at this point. Gakushuu's torn between screaming out yes, it is Karma's fault that he's been cornered like this, pushed to do what he's doing, but at the same time, he's aware that's not the truth either.
For some reason, receiving his younger brother's attention once again doesn't give him the same kind of satisfaction he yearned for. Quite the opposite - each word they exchange flays him further and further until Gakushuu feels like a heap of bones, with nothing to support them.
He needs to get away from Karma. If even this one person doesn't care, doesn't stand by his side anymore, then there's simply no point in prolonging their interaction and his torment.
With one strong push, he breaks away from the redhead and pivots on his heel, heading back to the street. However, the motion proves to be too abrupt and his vision spins dangerously. On instinct, he halts and supports himself on the wall.
Gakushuu doesn't pass out, but he's not far from it either. It shouldn't have been more than seconds but what feels like an eternity, the stars eventually dissipate from his sight. When he finally regains some clarity, Gakushuu finds himself leaning forward in an unnatural way, his knees shaking.
"Hey. Hey! What's wrong?"
There's a hand on his shoulder. Karma's hand.
He smacks it away, the embarrassment fueling him enough to bite through the dizziness: "Nothing. This conversation is over. Bye."
"Wait. What's up with you?" Karma catches him by the wrist. His initial anger has been long replaced by a different emotion, one that Gakushuu doesn't even want to attempt to decipher anymore.
"If you excuse me, unlike you, I have work to do. Let go."
He doesn't wait for his brother to listen, yanking his hand out of the grasp and staggering away. Karma doesn't chase after him, thankfully, but bitterly calls out:
"A lot of work that you brought on yourself!"
As if Gakushuu didn't know that already.
Including exchange students in the pole-toppling is a precaution.
Of course, his class belongs to the elite among elites as far as studies are concerned, but sports-wise, well… they don't quite excel. For one, Gakushuu suspects class E just might have better stamina in general just because their everyday routine involves climbing a damn mountain to reach their campus. Two, he knows that Karma alone has the potential to put class A's physical prowess (if you can call it that) to shame. And three, he's pretty sure that class E might be getting some special kind of training (because no, he did not buy Shiota's excuse of having taken self-defence courses).
But with all the plans he devised, everything should be fine. Absolutely fine. No reason to worry. Right?
Just as he's about to spiral into yet another anxious train of thought, he gets interrupted.
"Are you alright, Gakushuu?"
The mention of his first name almost makes him cringe, especially in combination with the thick American accent it's pronounced in.
"Asano. Call me Asano. Unless we are close, we call each other by our last names in Japan," he explains to Kevin, one of the exchange students.
"Oh Yeah, right. Sorry." He nods. "Well? Are you?"
The question baffles him for a moment since he hasn't even registered the first question yet. Then it clicks.
"Yes, why shouldn't I?"
"It's just... you get lost in thoughts a lot."
"Do I? Haha, don't worry. I'm alright," Gakushuu laughs it off, but it sounds flat even to his own ears. But he is walking, talking and more or less functioning so he's not lying either. He does appreciate the question though.
"You look tired," Kevin states solemnly and it comes as a surprise that he doesn't brush off the topic. Usually, his classmates would just accept the answer for fear of getting on his bad side. If they even saw past his pretences in the first place.
So Gakushuu feels dumbfounded. He might have stared at the exchange student for too long too, because the blond starts fidgeting and eyeing the floor.
Maybe this is it. His only chance at unbottling, finally being honest and admitting that things are not fine. Maybe even asking for help. Kevin is a good person to talk to as well since he's an exception to this game of survival called Kunugigaoka, cares little for status and therefore gains nothing from extorting Gakushuu. Not that he thinks the guy would even do so. Despite his brawny and unapproachable appearance, Kevin turned out to be naive and sincere, all probably the results of a Western upbringing where feelings came first and friends trusted each other. Plus, he's returning to the States at the end of this semester too, so it's not like they'll ever have to see each other again after that.
So it's that easy. All Gakushuu needs to do is open his mouth.
And say what?
His father's voice stops him.
Revealing your feelings creates an opening for others to take advantage of.
His father's not wrong. Showing his emotions is a risk far higher than Gakushuu should be comfortable undertaking. What would he do if he fell apart now, with eyes on him? He'd lose the respect of his peers, his minions, he'd show weakness and flaws that aren't supposed to exist.
Because Gakushuu must be perfect. Always.
"I might have been skipping on sleep lately, but that's it," he backs down from the ridiculous idea of opening up, putting in an extra effort to smile.
It seems to work. Kevin nods and gives him a thumbs up: "Okay, then once we win this competition, get plenty of sleep dude!"
That Gakushuu could do.
If it weren't for the fact that they did not win.
"Anyone can see that by some miracle, the E team won a battle that was clearly not in their favour," his father states coldly, not even once looking into Gakushuu's face. He must be too disgusted to even acknowledge his presence.
Gakushuu forgets how to breathe. He doesn't dare move, let alone speak up in fear of drawing even more attention to himself.
"In short, you got owned."
His lungs feel sticky, unable to expand and take in the air. All the terror and shame whirl in his mind turbulently, laced with self-hatred. It mixes into an ugly, murky miasma filling his core and no amount of grounding techniques or mathematical equations he mentally runs through save him from drowning in it.
Losing to the E's, failing to fully utilize all the resources and lead his team to victory - is that what being an Ace means? Is what Gakushuu's worth translates to?
His father doesn't stop there. He carries on recapitulating the event and emphasizing all the mistakes Gakushuu made. The only thing he can do about it is grind his teeth, dig his fingernails into his palms and maintain a neutral expression in order to at least preserve his dignity.
"You're not fit to be a leader."
Gakuho sounds disinterested, but that's the furthest from reality. What the principal looks at Gakushuu with is far worse than anger. It's disappointment. Maybe even contempt. He must be wondering whether this failure standing in his office really can be called his son.
No. You're not fit to be a leader. You're not fit to be my son.
And maybe, Gakushuu agrees.
What is he then, really? If he's neither worthy of being called his father's son nor worthwhile for his mother to love and choose (god, why does it still hurt even now, ten years down the line?), if his little brother manages to replace him so easily with a bunch of strangers he knows only half a year...
What purpose, significance or meaning does Gakushuu's life hold?
Before his mind can answer that question, someone speaks up from his side:
"Chief Director, your son is extremely capable."
It takes Gakushuu a bit too long to process what Kevin's doing. He's trying to cover for him. He intends to go against the principal.
"Kevin, stop it!" he orders, not so perfectly concealing the panic in his voice.
However, the exchange student doesn't listen. He gives Gakushuu a reassuring look before stubbornly carrying on: "As a father, you should tell him that there's a lot he can learn from losing."
The conviction behind those words means a lot to Gakushuu and even makes him want to hug and thank the American, but all he feels right now is terror. Because Kevin doesn't know - he comes from a kind, optimistic, world where grades and academics don't mean everything - he doesn't know that here, mediocrity and resistance are punished harshly.
Gakushuu opens his mouth to intervene. If he scolds the student himself, maybe his father won't get involved.
But he's too slow and the principal more irked than he lets on.
"I see... your little opinion is quite moving, Kevin. Can you help me learn as well? If I were to lose, I might be able to learn from that loss."
Gakushuu sees it coming before he says it.
"All four at once, please."
And those idiotic exchange students actually take him up on it. They all attack without hesitation, no doubt about their ability to take down one middle-aged man.
Except Asano Gakusho is anything but a mere man.
He's a monster.
It takes less than a minute. They go for a punch, try to strike him from all sides, but his father easily deflects those hits and brutally retaliates. Gakushuu blacks out for a moment, in between the blood and the cries, but when he's back to his senses again, all of the exchange students are bleeding on the floor.
His knees buckle and Gakushuu hits the wall, staring in horror at the scene.
The principal approaches him with a smile, probably satisfied with his display of what it means to "learn from loss".
He needs to calm down. Even though his father has no qualms about hurting others, he's never touched Gakushuu, never raised a hand against him no matter how mad or disappointed. Even when Gakushuu begged for it as a child, did all sorts of terrible things to earn himself something more than just a cold stare, to find proof that his father isn't completely indifferent about him, the man never caved in. It took years for him to realize that the opposite is the truth - Gakuho might have cared too much, to the point he would ruin everyone else's lives and willingly traumatize his son just to teach him a lesson.
The fact remains though, that Gakushuu is technically safe, immune to the violence. Yet his body trembles all the same.
"Say, Asano-kun..." His father cages him against the wall. "If you lost, then why isn't the frustration eating you alive?"
Gakushuu gets flashes of demons and raging hell when he looks into Gakuho's eyes.
"After all the failures, why are you still no good?"
Gakushuu's hands form fists so tight the nails break his skin, covering his palm with blood. It stings in the best way possible, providing for a good distraction.
The principal's eyes flick down, noticing the injury. Something flashes on his face, something that Gakushuu in his distress can't identify, before he sighs and pulls away. Gakushuu's gasping for air at this point.
"You are dismissed, Asano-kun." His father turns away. "Leave those here-" he beckons towards the students around, "-I still have some matters I want to discuss with them."
Gakushuu barely remembers how he got out of the office, how he managed to descend the stairs without tripping and breaking his neck. It all passes in a haze until he's in the bathroom, staring at his own pathetic reflection and washing the blood away.
He's alone.
Utterly, completely alone.
He could disappear right now - oh how he wishes he would - and no one would really care. Not his father after this fiasco, not Karma who smugly laughed at him when Gakushuu fell off that pole. Definitely not his mother who left him with the chairman and disappeared even though he used to think the world of her.
No one.
Cold water runs down the back of his neck, alleviating at least a portion of the nausea that's overcome him. Still, Gakushuu wants to throw up, curl up and cry, but he does none of that, doesn't even know how to anymore. So he lets the stream soothe him for a few minutes, dries himself off and faces the world.
Putting up a facade and bottling away his feelings comes naturally to Gakushuu after all.
So he's fine.
Fine enough to fetch his things, change into the uniform again, even fine enough to withstand class E and his younger brother flaunt their triumph into his face.
Not fine enough to stop asking himself what significance his life holds at this point.
Or to keep himself off the roof.
