Karma knows that something's wrong with Gakushuu.
He realized from their conversation on the street where his brother almost keeled over, he saw it during the sports festival when Gakushuu moved slower and way unsteadier than usual. Of course, class E won because they worked hard, because they were smart about it, but the victory wouldn't have come that easy had Gakushuu been in top shape.
Frankly, still upset about their semi-argument, Karma didn't care for an explanation from his brother nor to dig deeper into the issue. He felt sick and tired of Gakushuu acting like the world revolved around him, expecting everyone to dance to his tunes. The guy buries himself in school and whatnot, doesn't say a goddamn thing, starts unnecessary problems and then he has the audacity to be angry at Karma as if it was his fault?
Ridiculous. Karma thought that maybe his class absolutely crushing class A would finally knock Gakushuu down from his pedestal.
So yeah, on one hand, he was filled with self-satisfaction when his classmates finally proved their abilities to his ignorant brother.
On the other, he now starts to truly worry.
When they meet him later, Gakushuu's already changed back to his school uniform, neat and put together. He admits defeat with no bite in his voice and absolutely no emotion traceable on his face. However, he looks pale as a ghost, the eyebags so prominent Karma wonders if they aren't actually bruises.
As Gakushuu walks away, Karma follows him with his eyes and notices the small traces of blood on his palms.
That alone rings alarms. Gakushuu has a habit of clenching his fists when distressed but as far as Karma knows, he never actually managed to draw blood, no matter how upset. Was it just because of the loss? Or did something more happen?
"Are you coming?" Nakamura jolts him from his thoughts, standing just a few steps away. The rest of the class is already moving towards the exit and yet he's still rooted to the place, seemingly gazing at nothing and no one.
"I, uh," Karma struggles to come up with an excuse. He feels like he should go after Gakushuu after all, but what excuse would he give Nakamura and his class? Plus, who knows where his idiot of an older brother had gone at this point?
His friend raises an eyebrow. She looks him up and down and notes that despite his body being turned to her, his feet remain pointed in the direction of the main building. "Got something you need to do?" She concludes, the usual teasing gone from her tone.
It comes as a surprise how thoughtfully Nakamura says it. As if she knows what's whirling in Karma's mind.
He nods. "Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. If they ask..."
She gives him a thumbs up: "I've got you covered. No idea what's going on but you look serious about it. Go do your thing."
So Karma wastes no time. He sprints to where Gakushuu was headed, already ringing his phone number. Just as expected, the call gets redirected to the mailbox. He tries a few times more until his patience runs out (and he leaves behind several frantic voice messages) and he gives up altogether.
If Gakushuu hadn't picked up by now, then he's purposefully ignoring Karma. His brother never misplaced or forgot his phone after all.
He sends a few texts, hoping that maybe Gakushuu would be more comfortable writing instead. The two ticks after each message signal that they were received, but the longer they remain unanswered, the more they haunt him. Maybe he's overreacting, maybe Gakushuu's taking a shower or too busy getting his ass kissed by the virtuosos to tend to his phone.
No. Karma saw it. Gakushuu looked genuinely terrible. The last thing he'd do right now is let others witness that.
Frustrated, he shoves the phone back into his pocket and runs around school, completely disregarding the risk of bumping into the chairman. The classrooms are locked however and hallways empty as students and teachers alike all went home after the festival. No strawberry blond in sight.
Where can he be then?
By sheer chance, Karma leans out of the window and looks up to think.
And then he sees it.
A figure on the edge of the roof of the school's highest building, barely distinguishable from the chimneys and roof vents. Yet it's a figure Karma's spent his whole life watching, learning from, loving-
And he recognizes Gakushuu immediately.
The speed at which Karma bolts to that section of the school and climbs up the flight of stairs would put Koro-sensei to shame. He doesn't stop once, no matter how his lungs and legs burn and he violently bursts through the door leading to the rooftop.
"YOU IDIOT!" He screams, tripping over his own feet. With no time to waste, Karma picks himself up immediately but his body is shaking too much from both the exertion and distress to take another step.
The sight slightly amuses Gakushuu, at least enough to forget his initial shock at the intrusion. He supposes though that laughing would be quite inappropriate at the moment, so for now all he does is he merely look on in silence.
After a little while, Karma finally manages to get closer with his hands reached out in a placating way. He wheezes out: "Whatever you think you're doing," he takes a deep breath to calm down, "stop and come down here."
Right. Gakushuu is sitting on the ledge of a very high roof.
It almost moves him how worried his brother sounds and the really messed up part of him wants to see more of it, wants to push the situation and slowly slide down until he's barely hanging on. Maybe the horror painted in his brother's eyes would make him feel like he meant something to someone. But Gakushuu is too exhausted at this point to care anymore, too empty to perceive something like satisfaction or resentment. All he wishes for is peace so he decides that de-escalating the situation would probably prove the easiest.
"I'm not going to jump. I just need some fresh air and quiet," he counters, voice merely a whisper. Keeping his head turned all the way back to look at Karma becomes too tiring so Gakushuu returns his gaze to the front where the sun is starting to set. The warm rays touch his skin and he closes his eyes, imagining that he's just another building basking in the golden light, not Asano Gakushuu, a person.
"You can get fresh air even if you come back here, you know that?" His brother however interrupts him.
"The quiet is gone and-"
"Quiet is honestly the last thing you need right now," Karma cuts him off impatiently.
"What do you care?"
He hears shuffling, a clear sign of discomfort, yet no answer. Probably too hard of a question. But Gakushuu gets it, he too would have trouble thinking of a reason to care for someone so unlovable and insignificant as himself.
Just as the silence stretches paper thin and he thinks Karma's probably going to leave, something pulls him back by the collar of his shirt. The force of it leaves absolutely no possibility for Gakushuu to fight back so reaches his arms out to cushion the fall, expecting to hit the hard ground. But it never comes - instead, he's being held against Karma's chest with arms locking him in place.
"What do I care? Are you serious, Gakushuu? What do you mean, what do I care?! What are you even thinking!" his brother screams so close to his ears it's a wonder the drums haven't burst yet. "You're literally my brother and my only family! I hate your guts sometimes, sure and I probably make your life hell, sometimes intentionally too, but there's no one I care about more! What the hell, Gakushuu?! What the hell?!"
Karma drags him further and further away from the edge until they both fall backwards, hitting the bulkhead of the roof. But the redhead doesn't let go - in fact, his arms adjust to the position and the grip tightens even more, almost knocking the wind out of Gakushuu's lungs.
"I don't know what's going on in your head or why you're suddenly trying to kill yourself. What's wrong? What happened? Why aren't you talking to me? You need to tell me, how else am I supposed to know? Do you- How can you not realize how fucking scared I am?"
There's a wet rasp to Karma's voice and Gakushuu feels himself snapping out of the stupor for the first time today, something more than just pure misery gnawing at his heart. He tries to catch his brother's eyes, but Karma's pressing him so hard he can barely move a finger.
"I wasn't going to kill myself. If I was, you would have missed me by twenty minutes," he says calmly, patting Karma's forearm in an attempt to appease him.
"Is that supposed to reassure me?"
Yes, but he supposes he's going to have to try harder.
"I did come here because I was desperate but scraped the idea immediately. All I wanted at that point was to be alone and away from everything, even for a bit. And let me go, I can't breathe."
Karma loosens the hold slightly, only for the sake of his brother's respiratory system. Gakushuu's tone sounds convincing but he's too anxious to just accept it. After all, Karma's slowly learning that trusting a word this idiot utters after something unusual or concerning happens is a big mistake. He's realizing now too that just because Gakushuu talks big and looks unbothered, he doesn't necessarily have it together.
"We- we need to talk. You need to tell me straight up what the hell's going on. Let's go to my place, " Karma decides, aching to leave this high ground as fast as possible.
However, he's met with resistance.
"No. I'm fine."
Once again, Karma hears no emotion behind those words. Gakushuu's expression has melted into a cold void too and the sight terrifies him to the core.
Why? Why is Gakushuu this way? Why does he refuse help?
Is it because class E beat him?
Or because Karma did?
Does he hate Karma for that now?
"We're going to my place. I'm not letting you out of my eyes, Gakushuu. Come on," he tries to stand up with his brother still glued to his chest, but the strawberry blond doesn't move, laying there like a dead weight instead.
"I will literally drag you through the city to my place even if it's the last thing I do. Let's go. Please."
Somehow, the pleading works. The violet eyes regain some light again and he sighs in defeat, sitting up. His arms shake visibly though, not strong enough to support the weight. Karma pulls his brother up, not commenting on how Gakushuu seems to sway on his feet and simply puts an arm over his shoulder to secure him.
"Did you meet the chairman?" he asks on their way down.
"Yes," comes as an answer, curt and cold.
"Are you hurt?"
"No."
And their conversation dies right then.
But that's fine. Gakushuu complying and being somewhat responsive in the first place is already a relief enough, even if the only thing he offers is one-liners. They pass the lockers to fetch his bag and Karma stops by a vending machine to buy a bar of chocolate and some caffeinated drink to bring both Gakushuu's blood sugar and pressure up (because fuck if he knows when this moron last had anything to eat or drink). Thankfully, his brother stops looking like a ghost and then they are on their way home.
It's already dark by now so Karma doesn't overthink being overseen. He has more important things to worry about anyway.
Once they find themselves safe behind closed doors, he picks Gakushuu up (and even wrings a few protests out of him) and throws him on a bed along with two different comforters.
"Stay here. I'm bringing you something to eat."
He sprints downstairs as soon as he finishes the sentence, shutting down any of Gakushuu's potential rejections. Not even a minute later, Karma appears in the room again, a bunch of store-bought onigiris and sodas in his hands. They all fall into Gakushuu's lap, one onigiri already opened and jammed into his hand with the strict instruction to start eating.
A gracious gesture, truly, but ever since Gakushuu reawakened from the brain fog, the misery he's been brewing in for weeks starts resurfacing:
"Why the sudden kindness? Weren't you laughing in my face over my loss just a little over an hour ago?"
Instantaneously, Karma feels anger build up inside him. Sudden kindness? What does he think they are, some random strangers on the streets? Did Gakushuu hear nothing on the rooftop about him being worried shitless?
Besides, why is Gakushuu bringing this up? Wasn't the whole sports festival thing his fault to begin with? He shouldn't have gone into a conflict with class E, shouldn't have threatened to expel Isogai-kun. The pole-topping was his idea too. And for once when things don't go as planned and Gakushuu doesn't come out as the victor, it's Karma's fault?
No, stop. Exploding on his brother is not going to solve any problems and it's beyond obvious that Gakushuu's distraught now. Of course he's going to say some dumb things and be a pain in the ass. Karma needs to see beyond that and help him.
"I have told you before, this particular problem you brought upon yourself, " he starts, just to set the record straight. "And you are right. I was happy when we won because we finally showed you and the whole school that we aren't some trash you can look down on. My class has incredible people in it and they're capable of everything you guys are too. This victory was just a proof of that."
"Good for you." Gakushuu's tone betrays nothing.
"You're my brother, yeah, but I can't blindly follow you in everything. Especially not when you were the one to pull the trigger this time. You might not understand the concept of the word, but those are my friends. They are important to me and I am prepared to defend them if needed."
"I see."
"But that's all there is to it. I don't particularly enjoy seeing you lose. And I definitely don't want to see you this way."
"Right."
His brother goes back to one-liners, just as flat as the look on his face. It frustrates Karma to no end. Moreover, this isn't leading anywhere and his words aren't getting through to Gakushuu it seems.
"What's your problem?" he groans, pacing back and forth to blow the steam off. "Are you mad because we beat you? Just because of that one defeat, you felt like throwing your life away?!"
It makes no sense. Gakushuu doesn't do irrational shit like this, he doesn't let his feelings get the best of him. Throughout his whole life, Karma's never seen him fall apart - not when their parents got divorced, not when their mother left, not even the entire next decade of being subjected to massive stress from the chairman. Why this then? Why now?
Probably just to himself, Gakushuu scoffs. It's small, almost unnoticeable but it doesn't escape Karma's attention and he stops dead in his tracks, the pressure building up in his head.
"What's so fucking funny?" he asks, tone dangerously low.
That earns him another sarcastic look. "What's so funny?" Gakushuu parrots, standing up from the bed to face Karma properly. "You and this whole charade. We've made it painfully clear before that Class A and Class E can't coexist peacefully. Today was just another example of that. And yet here you are, trying to make it good between us as if you weren't cheering for my class' fall with your friends just two hours ago."
"I just told you that's not what that's about-"
"You know what's also funny? You dragging me here and pretending you care so much after you forgot I existed for three weeks."
"I didn't-"
"No, right, sorry, you didn't forget. You purposefully ignored me, brushed off anything I had to say and then happily destroyed everything I've been working towards." Gakushuu spits out bitterly. "Just one defeat? After spending my entire life striving to be the best, losing my sleep and sacrificing all of me to stay at the top, you know what one defeat equals? It means I've done all of that for nothing. All of it means nothing now. My life means nothing!" His voice cracks, followed by a series of laboured breaths.
Karma's irritation evaporates immediately. Those words hit him like a punch in the guts and he tries to refute them, reaching for Gakushuu to calm him down. But his brother recoils like it burns him.
"But you know what the best part is? You. Out of all the people who could have done this to me, out of all the people out there, it wasn't a stranger, an enemy, not even our father who did this to me. It was you. The only person I've ever cared about and trusted. You are the one who took away everything that had ever given me any worth!"
Gakushuu feels lightheaded again, eyes filling with tears and suddenly it seems like he's transported back to his father's office, suffocating as the demons close in on him.
There's no escape. Even when he backs away from Karma, even when he hides behind the palms of his hands and retreats till his back hits the walls, the agony doesn't let up. His legs crumble underneath him but Gakushuu doesn't even notice hitting the ground, all his senses overwhelmed by the stabbing pain in his chest.
This is probably it. This is how Gakushuu's going to die. Either his heart bursts into a million pieces or it gives out shortly before reaching that point. He'll choke on his unshed tears or his lungs will dissolve from hopelessly trying to take in any gulps of the air despite it becoming thick and acidic.
He feels death coming for him. The world darkens around the edges at first, then it turns black completely and the sound of Karma's voice as well as of his own strained breaths becomes muffled until they all melt into meaningless noise. Gakushuu welcomes the end gladly, desperate to be relieved of this pain.
But life can never be that kind. Especially not to him.
At some point, the black dissipates and colors return to his vision. Gakushuu barely knows anymore who he is, let alone where, but one by one, his senses start telling him. He finds himself aware of the awkward position he's in, folded like a piece of clothing thrown on the floor. It's uncomfortable but not nearly as much as the stinging in his ribs every time he inhales. The only thing stopping his body from fully connecting with the ground are arms squeezing him against something warm. They hold his head briefly before they shake him again and it seems like an eternity until that something regains its shape too and Gakushuu's brain finally registers he's looking at his brother.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Karma chants like a broken record, too hysterical to notice Gakushuu coming back to himself. There's a wet gleam to his eyes and he's virtually buzzing in panic. Seeing his older brother go down and remain unresponsive for so long scares him to the point he obsessively searches for a pulse and checks for breathing. As a last resort, he starts typing on his phone to call the ambulance, but then he senses movement from below.
"Fuck, Gakushuu, are you with me?!" Karma drops the phone and clutches his brother's face instead.
It's only then that it all comes back to him. "Let go." Gakushuu tries to push the redhead away but is too weak to do so.
Rather than complying with his command, Karma does the exact opposite. He pulls Gakushuu's limp body up and embraces him gently in fear of hurting him, yet still tight enough that he can't escape. There's no energy left in Gakushuu to fight it or even keep himself upright so he's forced to surrender. He demands to be let go again, but it falls on deaf ears and in all honestly Gakushuu doesn't mean it anymore either. As he lays there drained and sore, Karma holding him works like a milk bath soothing burns.
"I'm sorry. I never meant to do this to you. I'm so sorry," his brother sobs, his voice stifled by the fabric of Gakushuu's uniform. "I didn't know this was what you thought. I swear. I would have never hurt you this way."
He doesn't say anything to it.
"But you're so much more than your grades or achievements, Gakushuu. Your life matters always, not only when you win. You- You're so important. Please stop thinking so little of yourself. I don't know what I'd do without you, I swear. I'm so sorry for hurting you. Please believe me."
His shirt starts to stick to his skin and it takes some time to realize it's Karma's tears soaking through the fabric.
"I know one defeat feels like the end of the world to you because you've never experienced it. But it's not. It's normal and it's often good too. It teaches you a lot and you can use it to become stronger in the future. It doesn't say anything about your value. You're more than just a number, placement or status or whatever the fuck Father drilled into your head. If nothing else, please just trust me on this."
It sounds all too similar to what Kevin insisted on in the principal's office. Gakushuu finds it hard to accept, but when it's two people - two completely unrelated people who have never met each other - telling him this, could there be some truth to it? Could he truly take their word on it and go on existing even if he no longer stood at the top?
He doesn't know. Gakushuu feels like he knows nothing at all anymore, nothing except that he wants to stop hurting. So for now, he lets Karma hold him so that the cold finally seeps out of his bones and buries his head into the nook of his brother's neck.
It takes another few minutes for Karma to realize that Gakushuu has fallen asleep in his arms. He can't tell how much of the speech his brother heard so he mentally prepares himself to repeat all of it later, when they're both a bit calmer.
He picks Gakushuu up and puts him down on the bed, pulling the blankets and extra comforters over his body. Now that Karma's hands are free, he wipes the almost dry tears away from his cheeks and only now fully notes just how much he's trembling. He can't allow himself to buckle though, so he ignores it.
Looking around, sodas and onigiris still lay all over the bed, so he collects them and places them on the counter for Gakushuu to eat later. Or maybe he should make tea, something warm and comforting too. So Karma takes his phone, silently closes the door behind himself and heads to the kitchen.
While the water boils in the kettle, Karma rummages through the cupboards for anything that might fit Gakushuu's tastes.
Jasmine, right? He liked jasmine tea. Surely they kept some in here too.
He finds it, puts one teabag in a cup and then pours hot water over it. Now, it has to steep. If memory servers right, Gakushuu always counted 3 minutes. So three minutes. Karma checks the fridge to make sure there's still some food that he can microwave and give his brother later.
Two minutes.
Karma stands in front of the kitchen counter, staring at the cup. The smell of jasmine slowly fills the air as the water steams. It's good. Even though it makes sense, it takes Karma by surprise just how pleasant the scent is. He rarely drinks tea after all, let alone this specific brand of jasmine tea, so he would have never known.
He would have never known many things if he didn't have Gakushuu.
And today, he almost lost him.
One minute.
Lips pressed into a thin line, Karma braces himself against the counter to stop the tears from falling. This isn't about him, he shouldn't have any right to weep in misery when it was Gakushuu who suffered the most. Sure, the story's not black and white and frankly, Gakushuu had things he had to own up to himself, but the fact remains that Karma screwed up majorly. He might not have intended to do any harm, but he had a hand in his brother's decline. Worst, he failed to even properly realize or stop it until it was almost too late.
Suddenly, his phone buzzes next to the tea.
It's a notification, a text message from Nakamura.
All good? it says.
Oh, right. She did see him scramble at the main campus and she did cover for him. On some level, it touches Karma's heart that she cared enough to ask.
He unlocks the device and opens the conversation. For a minute or so, he repeatedly types and then deletes his answer, unsure of what to say. In the end, he settles on a simple No.
It's a painful admission, but at the very least she won't ask more. No is a straightforward reply and obviously, no one would dig into it.
Or so he thinks. As soon as the message is read, the phone rings with Nakamura's caller ID on the screen. In his frenzy, Karma accidentally accepts the call and is immediately bombarded with his friend's questions:
"What's going on? Did you get caught up in some mess? Do you need help?"
He could hang up. Write to her that he's busy right now and can't talk. But the silence he's surrounded by petrifies him, just as the obsessive thoughts of what might have happened if he didn't find Gakushuu in time do.
"I..." he begins, his voice shaking. It takes a bit longer than he'd like to acknowledge to manage it to an acceptable level. "I fucked up."
Nakamura seems to notice the vulnerability in his tone. "Hey, it's fine. You can tell me," she encourages softly.
And it works, somehow. Karma takes in a shaky breath and tries to explain without exposing too much. "I hurt someone I care about a lot. It wasn't intentional, but they were very affected by it. And I don't know what to do. I'm so scared of losing them."
She hums in acknowledgement. "You talked to them about it yet?"
"I tried. I don't know how much got through because we were both really emotional. But I'll try again. I'm just..." he stops for a moment to fight back the urge to whimper. "It hurts to see how I hurt the person. I didn't want to. I love them too much for that. But they don't realize that. What if they don't believe me?"
The line stays silent for a bit as Nakamura tries to find a fitting response. "Maybe once you're both a bit more calm, you can let them know again."
She makes a contemplative noise, before continuing: "If you really love them so much, tell and most importantly show them. I don't know what exactly happened and I understand that you probably don't want to go into details, so all I can say is don't give up yet. If the person truly knows you, they'll probably see how sincere you are and believe you. Okay?"
"Yeah," Karma nods, "Yeah, I really hope so."
"We all make mistakes, alright? Sure, some aren't so easily forgivable, but I don't think you belong to that category. Just make sure to acknowledge them and then work on fixing things."
"Yeah, you're right," he murmurs.
"Are you okay? Should I come over or something?"
The concern almost brings a smile to his face. "No, it's fine. Thanks, Nakamura. I appreciate it a lot. I have to go now."
"Alright," she doesn't push, though she also doesn't miss out on the opportunity to tease him a bit: "But Karma, I hope one day you introduce me to this... special person of yours."
At that, he chuckles.
"In your dreams."
And the call ends with that.
Seven minutes and twenty-two seconds, his display says. It felt much shorter than that, but somehow even this brief talk succeeded in calming his nerves a tiny bit. Or at least enough for him to cease trembling.
Karma then realizes he forgot to take the tea bag out. Not only that, the tea is lukewarm by then and upon taking a sip, it tastes more bitter than it should.
But no matter.
He will make another one. This isn't the last jasmine tea he's going to prepare for Gakushuu because Gakushuu is alive and safe now and although Karma's still anxious, he intends to keep it that way.
Yay. Kinda a resolution? We're getting there.
That being said, describing Gakushuu's thought process and giving him a panic attack lowkey made me so upset I had to stop writing for a few days. A lot of things resonated. But at least in the end, Karma was there to pick up the pieces and now they're both safe :)
