Ziva pov

Ziva had maintained composure until the door to her apartment swung shut and she lost it. She pulled the knife from her waist and flung it at the mirror in her hallway causing glass shards to spill onto the floor. The table was next, getting flipped over sending everything sat on it flying. She was frustrated, angry and feeling so utterly useless. If she had been stronger, quicker, more observant then Anna would still be here. It was Ziva's entire job to protect people like Anna and she had failed. Words her father used to scream at her when she was in training flew through her head. Words highlighting how weak and inept she was, how she disappointed him at every turn. 'He wasn't wrong' she thought.

Ziva was now curled in a ball and sat in the eye of the hurricane of her destruction. A fitting metaphor she thought 'I cause devastation wherever I go.' She glanced down at the pieces of the mirror scattered around her. The familiar face of a broken woman met her. Sat there, staring at her fractured image the thoughts she fought so hard to keep quiet returned. ' everyone around me dies, I cause so much damage, everyone would be safer if I died'

These thoughts had followed Ziva throughout most of her life.

They started after her mother left and Tali died, filled with grief and guilt she agreed to join the Kidon unit. Although at the time she didn't see what she was doing looking back now Ziva knew it was a promise of a young death and one she wanted to fulfil. The thoughts became much quieter after this, life in the unit required absolute focus leaving no room for her to dwell. Killing Ari though brought them back and much louder. To kill your own brother is something you can't come back from. In the weeks following his death Ziva came close to fulfilling the promise she'd made many times and in a way she did.

One night in those weeks as the dark storm clouds in her brain were closing in she saw a glimmer of light shine through in the form of a book. To attempt to quiet her mind Ziva had gone to the library, picked up a book and found a quiet corner to sit in. It wasn't until she looked down she realised what book she was holding. Frankenstein. In the book, it is not the monster who is the evil entity but the Dr who creates him. Ari was not evil, her father was. Eli created Ari, moulded him into the monster he became. Ziva thought back to the conversations had long ago running around the grounds of the family farm. One late evening after Ari had helped her climb a tree, they spoke in length about the future. They must have been no more than 12 and 8 at the time but Ari already knew what he wanted for his life. He wanted to become a doctor, to help people. That was who he was at heart not what he became. It was at this moment Ziva made up her mind, she would not become like Ari, she would escape her father's control and help people just like he wanted to do. She would live for her siblings and live the life they deserved in their memory. To do that though she had to let part of her die. Her ties to country, to Eli, to Mossad. They had to go. She had to leave the unit far behind. It was that day she went to speak to Director Sheppard to become an official liaison officer.

After this, that voice all but vanished, and Ziva had assumed she would never hear from it again. Until now. It had returned like an old friend sitting heavily on her chest, slowly draining the life from her. She had failed in her promise to Ari and herself, and now she had no defence against the screaming in her head. She was naïve to think she could escape it.


Tony pov

Tony had arrived at her apartment in record time and took the stairs two at a time. He paused for a moment to quiet his racing heart. He had to be calm and deal with the situation delicately if he had any hope of Ziva letting him in. He knocked. "Zi, Ziva it's me, please let me in". There was no answer. he pressed his ear against the door and could hear the quiet sobbing from the other side. "Ziva please" he knocked again. No answer. He twisted the door handle in an attempt to get in not expecting Miss Paranoid to have left it unlocked. To his surprise, it swung open revealing the pit of despair inside. His eyes moved from the mess of the room to his partner's small huddled frame curled up in the corner. Her head was lowered staring at the shard of glass in her hand with no sign she had noticed anyone else was there.

Tony approached slowly; lowered himself to her level and gently, without saying a word, prised her fingers off of the glass. "Ziva?" he said as quietly and calmly as he could manage " I need to know if your hurt." Almost imperceivably Ziva shook her head but still did not look at him. Tony let out a breath and got to work. He righted the table and put everything back where it belonged. He put the sofa back together and then got a dustpan and brush. He worked around her picking up all the broken pieces, never going nearer than necessary. Once the room was mostly back to normal tony lowered himself back down in front of her and offered her his hands "come on Zi, let's get you somewhere more comfortable". She did not take his hands or look up from the grain of wood she seemed to be studying so intently.

"I…..I do not deserve comfort" her raspy shaky voice responded under her breath.

At this comment Tony sat down still holding out his hands. "Ziva, what, of course you do why would you even say that"

"BECAUSE I FAILED TONY" She met his eye line this time, her eyes full of rage. "I could not do my job and because of that someone is dead, someone who deserves to be here much more than I do."

"Ziva, it's not your fault. What happened was awful and you were lucky to escape with your life"

"I did not deserve to." She repeated pronouncing every syllable

"That's not true, Zi if you weren't sat here right now I'd…..I just don't know what I do, you deserve to be here and what happened to the petit officer is not your fault. It is the bastards that attacked you they're the ones who don't deserve to be here" But Ziva had lowered her head again Tony's words seemingly going unheard. From the look in her eye, Tony knew that nothing he could say would change her mind. Ziva is nothing but strong-willed. So instead of trying to change her mind, he came up with a plan. He got up and went into her kitchen to make a phone call and then simply sat down next to her and waited.

It was around two hours later when Gibbs knocked on the door. Tony and Ziva had sat on the floor next to each other, neither saying a word. But in that time Ziva had inched closer to Tony and was now sat with her knee touching his.

"It's open" Tony called out. Ziva glanced up, inquisitive as to who was about to come in the door.

"Hey Ziver." Tony watched as she curled even further into herself. Gibbs, sensing this, didn't approach anymore but beckoned Tony into the kitchen. "Talk"

"I don't know boss, she's a mess. I think what happened this week has been a trigger for everything bad in her life. We both know she's never fully dealt with Ari, her father, her capture hell anything really.

"hm" Gibbs's gruff reply summed up what Tony was feeling. He passed Tony the file he'd been carrying. "why'd you want this?"

"The only thing she's said since I've been here is she failed. She thinks she failed the petit officer or something and is now doubting herself a lot. I'm hoping this can remind her of all the good she's done."

Gibbs nodded slightly "Call me" and with that, he went to leave. He stopped in front of her. Looking down with a pained expression. Tony knew the relationship between the two was much closer to father and daughter than co-workers and looking at Gibbs now he saw how much he really cared for her. He very slowly crouched in front of her and whispered something in her ear. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and left.

Tony noticed the slight sag in Ziva's shoulders. He had no idea what the boss man had said but it seemed to have helped a little, she was beginning to relax. Time for the plan.

He approached slowly and sat himself in front of her. Tony took out the contents of the file Gibbs had given him and began to lay each picture on the floor in front of her. Ziva subtly glanced up, curious as to what he was doing. Surrounding her were images of cases she had solved, victims she had brought justice to, people she had saved. A sob caught in her throat.

"Very special agent Ziva David" Tony began "These are just a few of the people whose lives you have made a positive impact in. Without you, some of them would not be here. Without you, some of their families would never know peace or justice. You, and you alone are responsible for this."

Ziva stared at each individual picture and Tony could see the fog begin to clear from her eyes. "There is one picture missing from this though." Tony pulled out the last photo taken of the team at Ducky's Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone smiling, happy, with their arms around each other. "Us Zi. You saved our family so many times. Our lives without you would be meaningless. I mean come on if not for you who else would I have to pull practical jokes on McGee with, the boss?" Ziva chuckled slightly at this and Tony let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. "You have helped me more than you know Ziva, please, let me return the favour, let me help you"

With this Ziva broke down into sobs and fell into Tony's open arms.


Ziva pov

Ziva was unsure exactly how long but the orange glow starting to shine through the window told her that it had been hours since Gibbs left. Tony was asleep with his arms wrapped securely round her on the couch. Ziva leaned into his chest more, listening to his steady heart rate. It helped to calm her. She didn't remember everything that happened the night before, or that week really. She felt like she was waking from a very long sleep and becoming re-acquainted with her own mind She had, however, awoken with a renewed sense of purpose. She would find the animals responsible and make sure they would never hurt anyone else.

Tony must have sensed her movements and began to stir. Ziva felt his arms wrap tighter around her,

"mornin" Tony quietly muttered, "how are you feeling?"

"I am not completely fine, but I am better than I was thanks to you Tony"

"that's all I can ask for. Did you get any sleep?"

"A little. Tony?"

"Yeah zi"

"Do you think Gibbs will let me back on the case?" Ziva felt Tony smile at this

"I'd love to see him try and stop you, want to get to work ninja?"

"Yeah"

"Well then grab your gear, let's get these bastards."