Chapter 40: No regrets
Shizuo had never really bothered to leave Wall Maria. It had been his hometown and the urge to go and look at different landscapes, buildings or social constructions had been close to nonexistent.
That fact had not changed. Yet here he was.
"Pull it up!"
Agonizingly slow the gate leading to Wall Sheena was pulled from its enclosure.
Pulling a round leverage a few men were breaking a sweat as they turned the wheel over and over again.
Usually just moving up the wall with the small lift to the side would have been more than enough, but for their captain on his horse they obviously opened the grand gate.
Neighing impatiently Izaya reached for the side of his horse's neck. A few strokes quickly calmed the animal down until the shutter came to a screeching halt.
Shadow encasing the two of them they slipped into the new region. Shizuo had never set foot in here before and he didn't exactly know why Izaya was taking him here either.
But if he had learned something about the flea by now then it was not to ask too many questions, or he might as well clam up entirely about the inquired subject.
"Captain Heiwajima!"
Greetings resounding heartly from the side startled the blond and for a moment irritation struck him.
Right.
He was the new captain. On Shiki's orders. The idea made him feel like retching, but there was nothing he could do. Nothing except acting with the same caution that Izaya had executed so far as to not endanger him, his sisters or his own brother.
And yet-
Despite knowing all that, the exclamation caused his hands to tighten on the reins.
It was a shorter ride than Shizuo had expected.
Before he knew it Izaya had halted his horse and gotten off its back.
Regarding their surroundings not much had changed to be honest. Finer materials had been used for the buildings and a general sense of cleanliness held the upper hand but apart from that Shizuo merely spotted what he saw everywhere.
Glances of disgust. Malice and a general sense of dissatisfaction of seeing the survey troop inside this district.
The funny thing was this time it was not only directed at Izaya, but also Shizuo.
Was it because he had become the new captain? Or because they had heard about how he negotiated with those damned uppers at the court?
"We are here." Izays suddenly announced, tearing Shizuo from his thoughts and analysis.
They were facing a large building. White and decorated with all kinds of ornaments. Almost seemed like it used to be something important. To Shizuo it seemed cold and somewhat out of fashion.
To Izaya these walls meant the world.
The heavy wooden door was opened and before he knew it Izaya heard the most precious sound in the world.
"Iza-nii!" A staircase was revealed upon entering and before Izaya even got to abandon his coat and attire he was already encircled by two sets of short arms.
"Hey, Mairu, Kururi."
His sisters.
Izaya let himself be overtaken by a wave of happiness of the bittersweet moment. He didn't exactly have a lot of chances to drop by and since the last time he saw them they already grew a few centimeters again.
It showed how time passed way too fast- and yet their delight at his sight did not die.
Glittering eyes of joy sparkled at him as Mairu raised her face. "Welcome home!"
This.
This was what he needed perhaps. At least every now and then.
When the world came to an end this was the only spot on earth that made him feel like everything was going to be alright. A short smile of stupor rudely overtook his expression as he realized the thought felt out of place.
It wasn't the only spot anymore, was it?
Shizuo was having a similar experience, yet different in its entirety.
Just by calling Izaya's name he figured those two girls were his sisters. Noone needed to be a genius to understand as much.
The sight was heartwarming, sweet and yet sad.
He could see that they were siblings. They all shared the same enticing pair of eyes, full of curiosity and vigilance. Mairu was smiling from one ear to the next. Brown braids were dangling from her head and a cute little sweater that was too big by at least three sizes was swallowing her almost whole. Her sister looked strikingly similar - with a single downside.
Burn marks.
They were everywhere. On her face, her neck, her right arm.
Shizuo tried his best not to stare but couldn't stop looking. What had happened to her to leave such scars?
She had not talked at all either.
Sure she seemed delighted about her brother's visit, yet had said not a single word.
No greeting. Nothing.
"You didn't tell us you were coming!" Mairu complained loudly, and Kururi merely nodded with the faintest hint of a pout on her face.
"Sorry, it was a rather spontaneous idea." Izaya apologized. Genuity marked his words while the sister's response seemed somewhat acted.
It seemed as though they didn't mean for their brother to take them seriously at all.
"Is it true that you aren't captain of the survey corps anymore?"
To say Shizuo was startled by the upbrought topic was an underestimation.
Those two were young, maybe seven years old- he had expected them to be sheltered from all danger, including worries for their mind.
But that didn't seem to be the case as they clearly got the picture of their current situation.
"It is." Izaya confirmed.
An adequate reaction of fear mirrored in their faces as the siblings faced each other.
"Then-" they faded out, and Shizuo realized with a sting of pain that these two were very well aware of the consequences this degradation held.
But Izaya smiled quicker than they could jump to conclusions.
"You can stay here. See him?" pointing towards Shizuo their gazes quickly followed. "He saved you."
To say Shizuo felt awkward being presented as some kind of hero like this was an underestimation. Especially considering he had done close to nothing to receive their admiration.
"Thank you!" And gratitude certainly wasn't something he wanted either.
Especially when he was causing Izaya more trouble than he liked.
Lips tight and void of response, Izaya was very well aware of the mixed emotions Shizuo probably felt right now.
"How about you get us some tea?" he turned and asked the siblings. Glances were exchanged and smiles traded as the couple quickly nodded. "Sure!"
And with that they hurried off like a little storm in the midst of a field.
Looking at the two dash away Shizuo couldn't quite help but feel his heart clench. The burn marks spread all the way down to Kururi's palm. The terror of what might have happened for her to suffer such wounds heavily weighed on his mood.
"She got caught in a fire when wall maria was broken." Izaya suddenly said, as if having read Shizuo's thoughts.
The familiar fire of having been caught doing something he shouldn't somehow caught up to Shizuo's face as he quickly broke his stare.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry." Eyes relocating to Izaya, Shizuo searched for hints of anger or maybe slight dissatisfaction, but instead all he offered was a smile.
"I brought you here, I am prepared," he said, without a single shred of offense. Eyes far and voice low he whispered, "She can't speak a lot as it strains her throat. A few words are okay, but a full sentence is quite painful for her," he paused midway as if having remembered something and quickly turned to look at Shizuo. "Ah, but don't underestimate her though, she is just as witty and mischievous as her sister, if not worse."
Shizuo couldn't help but smile at that. Yeah. "I wasn't planning to."
He could totally see these two causing chaos on a daily basis.
Letting his gaze traverse the actual room not much really caught his attention. Sure this was quite the fancy building. Probably already stood for a century or something. Simply sustaining it was probably a chore already but he suspected Izaya had done his utmost to preserve it.
Which somehow clashed with Shizuo's idea of Izaya's relationship with his sisters.
"Why do you tell them?" he asked, glancing towards his former captain once more.
He didn't really understand. Judging from this house and the carefree manner the two girls approached them they seemed far too innocent.
And yet the moment Izaya had mentioned Shizuo saved them there was not even a second of confusion as if they had been filled in on everything that happened so far already.
It was a weird mix, and Izaya was aware as he sighed. "So they can act." The walls and interior of the house were held in warm colors. Soothing red, calming gold, beige- and yet Shizuo's body went cold at the words. "Being kept out of everything may keep their mood but certainly not their lives." Izaya continued, and the iron weight in Shizuo's chest only grew that much heavier.
It reminded him of Kasuka more than he liked to.
Before the time the titans attacked. Way back when their parents told them to stay wary on their way to the market and the way their mother pushed them away from the alleys with silly tales of fairies and goblins instead of the bitter truth.
They had been kept in the dark as long as possible, but had figured out what was going on anyway.
Which was better?
Shizuo couldn't tell, but the comparison seemed suffocating.
Slowing down he came to a halt. "... why did you bring me here?"
Izaya stopped. Mairo was talking to her sister, despite never receiving much of an answer and nothing but her muffled words from the next room were heard for a few minutes.
A sad smile spread across Izaya's face.
He felt caught. Yet glad for the question.
"So that they recognize you. You know, in case you ever have to fulfill what you promised to me." Wine, music and Shinra making a fool of himself resurfaced in Shizuo's mind as he recalled their previous conversation. Izaya had asked him to take care of his sisters if something were to happen to him.
The silence grew and Shizuo's fists tightened next to his body. He was mad. But not at Izaya.
At the situation. The necessity of such words.
A quiet gaze was cast towards the blond. Izaya very well realized that he was putting quite the burden onto Shizuo and sighed. "... and I just felt like I wanted you to see what it is that you are protecting," he whispered quickly, with the faintest hint of a shrug. "I find it easier to make hard decisions when I envision those two's smiles."
Lifting his gaze Shizuo met Izaya's.
Smiles.
… they were the same, weren't they?
Right now Izaya looked anything but happy. He looked troubled, a bit awkward perhaps and guilty- none of the things Shizuo liked to see.
Right.
A smile suited him better. A smile like the one he showed when he showed him his favorite book.
Shizuo was the same. Imagining those precious to him being happy served as infinite fuel.
Although it was not his sisters' smiles he was imagining.
"Well, then, shall we join them?" Izaya quickly added falsely judging the mood to be solemn and Shizuo felt the weight of his chest lift.
Izaya had asked him to protect two people.
But as long as Shizuo made that three everything was going to be fine, wasn't it?
"Sure."
It was then that the door they had come from stuttered open in a hesitant fashion.
"You can't just come in-"
Turning around Shizuo faced the entrance and a very troubled maid trying to keep a man at bay. He was dressed in military attire and obviously not here to ask for a cup of tea.
Eyes clear and stance straight he quickly strided forth, past the maid, as his eyes fell onto Shizuo.
"Heiwajima Shizuo?" The tune in which he asked a question that obviously was none made Shizuo's body jerk into tension. His eyes narrowed and he caught a mere glimpse of Izaya nodding towards the maid to leave.
"Yes?"
"For you." A letter was handed to Shizuo by the stranger and quicker than he had entered the mansion he was gone again as he retreated with a polite nod.
A messenger of course.
And the addressee of the letter-
Shiki.
The envelope was ripped roughly and the contents pulled so fast the paper crumbled as Shizuo read the first few lines of the message.
The paper was lowered and Izaya's tension spiked in a burst of action as he quickly snatched it from Shizuo's hands.
His heart was racing and his eyes were flying faster than he was able to read as he made sense of the contents of the letter.
A lump formed in his throat and Izaya re-read what he had seen.
But there was no changing the contents.
"... I didn't think he would call you so soon." The words came after a short pause, almost shocked, but all in all just vibrating with exhaustion. "Guess the tea has to wait."
Unnatural silence followed. Irritated by the lack of response, Izaya looked at Shizuo, but his gaze was avoided.
And then he saw it. A second paper, still in Shizuo's hands.
"... not for you."
A quick, assuring smile spread across Shizuo's face and the moment it did Izaya's blood froze.
Snatching the paper fast enough to rip his eyes flew over the content.
It was a mission.
Shizuo was being called on a mission. That much he had learned from the earlier piece.
But the specifics on the second part made his hair stand on ends.
Alone.
He was being sent alone.
Well not alone, alone. He was of course to take his entire troup. Everyone.
Except Izaya.
Swallowing hard, Izaya's gaze directed at nothing as the hand holding the paper dropped to the side.
He was being held behind. On purpose.
Fuck.
"... that asshole." Swearing was not exactly of Izaya's nature, and Shizuo had become very well aware of that.
"Izaya," he said quickly, "It will be okay."
A tired smile spread across Izaya's expression as he swallowed.
"You say that as though you are just going out for a drink, instead of war."
Shizuo hesitated. His voice was low, but comforting. "Maybe I am? Some missions are pretty quiet."
Izaya snorted, nothing Shizuo said would soothe his mind. "Yeah and some end up slaughtering the entire troup."
"Iza-nii, the tea is getting cold!" The usually cheerful voice of Mairu, capable of washing away all of Izaya's worries, was suddenly triggering nausea. The scenery seemed surreal. What was ahead was too cruel to endure.
"Go, they are calling for you," Shizuo whispered and suddenly Izaya felt nothing but despair. The inability to act, the direness of the situation, like a choking hold.
Too soon.
This kind of scheme he had expected Shiki to come up with one, but not so soon.
Right now-
He hadn't come to terms with the idea of Shizuo dying.
"Don't worry, I know what I am fighting for. Even more now than before." Shizuo said and Izaya snorted. Yeah. Wow.
What a great superior he had been. He had merely increased the weight on Shizuo by adding his sisters. Their smiles were supporting him as their brother, but Shizuo?
He lifted his face, wanted to protest, wanted to tell Shizuo that he didn't have to pretend that he wasn't shaken.
But then he saw his gaze and it clicked.
Somehow, he wasn't sure why, but at that moment, with those eyes directed at him and the words previously spoken-
Shizuo wasn't talking about his sisters.
He was talking about him.
Not a shred of doubt crossed his mind and his chest tightened to the point it hurt.
The pieces of paper were gently preached from Izaya's grasp and Shizuo turned.
This guy-
The entrance opened and Shizuo grabbed his coat while Izaya stood caught in utter stupor.
This idiot-
Feet spurring into motion he quickly followed before the door could slip shut. Hands braced themselves against the doorframe as Izaya spoke quickly.
"Don't die, you hear me?"
"Not trying to, but…" hesitation marked Shizuo's words. "In case I do, give Kasuka a nice funeral. I don't want to regret not having given him a proper grave."
The words sounded like a last wish. The kind of resolve someone ready to part would utter. And yet they weren't.
The way Shizuo looked at him just screamed that he had not given up at all. That he was dead set to return.
He was merely asking what Izaya had asked of him as well and somehow the words resonated within the raven.
A moment of quiet and peace followed as Izaya swallowed.
"Regret, huh?"
Regret not having done something. He certainly didn't want to live with one. A short smile popped to his lips before disappearing quickly. "You say surprisingly smart words sometimes."
Feigned offense followed by Shizuo as he smiled. "What is sometimes supposed to mean?" And then it was there.
A hand on his collar.
Quick, and agile Shizuo was pulled down just a little bit and a pair of lips met his own.
Chaste, soft and surprisingly gentle.
The moment was short, the kiss even shorter and Shizuo was pushed away quicker than he was able to react as Izaya's eyes flickered upwards to meet his own.
"Don't die. That's an order."
… fuck.
A bittersweet cocktail of heavy emotions stirred in Shizuo's chest. Want. Fear. Craving. Sadness. Love. He wanted to do nothing more than grab Izaya and his sisters and run.
Right now. Anywhere. Any place they were safe. Just away. But he couldn't.
And the shackles having kept Izaya in place for all these years suddenly became visible to his own eyes.
They were heavy. Too heavy to carry for a person alone.
But he was strong. And even stronger now that he knew what he was carrying them for.
No iron could weigh him down.
Confidence radiated off his words as he answered.
"I will return." Because that's what was going to happen, no matter what.
to be continued
Sorry people, I took ages to update I know xD Had some major family troubles going on at home and yaaahhh- Long story short, I'm really happy to look forward to a drama-free 2024 now haha
On that note, happy new year! And late Merry Christmas xD I will make sure to update next Saturday again haha You know, new years goals and stuff xD Number #1 priority: Update weekly - RELIABLY xDDDDDDDDD
Well then, see you next week C:
