Chapter Thirty-Five
Weak and Wanting
Author's Note: Double feature this weekend because I don't want to be too cruel to you~ HEAVY HEAVY HEAVY adult content ahead, 18+ only. Check Ao3 for tags if you need a content warning! Love you!
Remus slumped down onto the floor as soon as Lucius had left the stable. His mind was racing, but his body seemed to be shutting down in response to his panic, so he could barely feel his legs even as his mind ricocheted between two extremes. Half of his thoughts were focused on the way Lucius's body had responded to his advances; the other half was numb and emotionless in the face of his captor's sudden departure and the unavoidable horrors that Remus was certain would be coming next.
He leaned his head back against the wall and stared out his window at the snowflakes falling steadily outside. His mind wandered to the way he'd begged the Order to save him, not long ago, before the situation could get any worse—and then he remembered Lucius's spiteful accusation that Remus had abandoned the Order first, and Remus wondered if that was how they felt, too. If they truly didn't want to save him.
Questions and memories looped over and over again until Remus felt as though his head was full of cotton balls, as though there was no more space to consider anything else that might come next, because every single outcome ended in the same horrible knot of suffering and failure.
He wanted to speak out loud, to apologise to the Order and anyone who might've been listening—but he wanted to scream at them, too. To demand answers he knew he'd never hear. And he didn't have the strength to face that inevitable silence.
In time, he became cold. He did not move.
Lucius could barely recognize himself when he looked in the wardrobe mirror. He was back in the guest room, alone, and he wasn't sure he knew who the man in the mirror was. He looked unkempt, as if he'd just run away from some unexpected danger; his eyes were wide, wrinkles deepened, and his hair had fallen out of its low tail into a great mess around his shoulders.
"Fuck," he swore to himself, reaching his hands up to rub his face before turning away from the mirror and beginning to undress. Maybe if he could get the werewolf's smell off of him, his sweat and dust and hay, Lucius would feel better. He'd already tried drinking something on his way into the house, to wash away the way Remus's mouth had tasted—like the leather of Lucius's gloves—but it hadn't done much for him.
Lucius undressed quickly, heart pounding as he remembered that he'd wanted to take his clothes off in the stable, too—to take his clothes off in front of the werewolf. With the werewolf? And what? Lucius had come to terms with the urges that his captive had brought out of him up to that point… but this interaction had been different. There had been flashes of sadism, but not just that, and Lucius had not been prepared to grapple with those desires.
He tried to shake the thoughts from his head and started to retie his hair, but that reminded him of Remus, too—the way the werewolf's fingers had rested in Lucius's hair right before he'd begged for more. Begged. Pleaded for the werewolf to keep going, to do whatever he wanted to with Lucius until the Death Eater was left in a quivering heap on the floor.
Lucius had begged a creature who wasn't even human to keep going, and he knew, in his heart, that he would do it again if given the chance.
Lucius cursed again, clenching his jaw and collapsing, still naked, onto the bed. He wasn't going to be able to sleep, but he certainly wouldn't be able to manage anything else, either; not while the werewolf consumed every one of his thoughts. Not even staring at the ceiling was safe, because it just made Lucius think of what it might feel like to be on the bed, under Remus—
Lucius felt a wave of nausea so profound that he worried he might actually vomit and he let out a gagging cough as he rolled onto his side, curling into the fetal position, eyes starting to water from the fought-off wretch.
He'd known this would be the effect the werewolf had on him, if they got any closer. He'd said it to Lupin. He'd said he couldn't do what the Dark Lord had asked without losing some part of himself. His sanity, specifically, and there he was, completely out of his mind. He was certain at that moment that if he couldn't find some way to overcome his obsession, it would be the thing that killed him.
Overcome it. The idea was laughable. Every single day he'd spent with the werewolf had made it worse, deepened whatever fixation Lucius had been developing. There was no escaping from that, especially not if the werewolf had lost his mind, too, and decided to give in to whatever was happening between them.
To give in.
The idea made Lucius flinch, because the Dark Lord had asked him to get closer, had advised that some kind of physical relationship might fully compromise Lupin—and Lucius had barely had to lift a finger to make that happen. Whether or not Lupin really was conveying information to the Order, he was playing into Lucius's game. For once, Lucius had followed his orders from the Dark Lord to a T. There were other emotions, sensations, cravings that the Dark Lord would absolutely not have approved of—but then again, Lucius wasn't sure if Voldemort had ever fully approved of anything to do with him.
Lucius took a slow, shaking breath, considering his options. The Dark Lord would be pleased when he found out—and he would find out. If Lucius had been unable to hide his desire before, he knew that it would only be more obvious after what had happened in the stable. Lucius would be the court jester, a dark wizard so depraved he allowed himself to become sexually involved with a half-breed. But if he kept at it, got actual answers, knew for sure whether or not the werewolf was still communicating with the Order…
He rubbed his eyes. He might die if he continued on this way—but there was a tiny, infinitesimal chance that it might keep him and his family alive. That he might even be able to regain Narcissa's trust. There would be no chance of those outcomes if he gave up.
Lucius curled his toes, flexed his fingers. His thoughts indicated that he'd already gone mad, and if Remus had been leaking information to the Order since his arrival, it was really only a matter of time before it all blew up in their faces, anyway.
He needed a shower and a stiff drink.
...
Lucius squared his shoulders and clenched his jaw, staring at the stable, pausing to consider if he'd forgotten anything in his spell work. His newly cast magic had made the stable blurry, as if he was looking at it through warped glass, and the already dim windows had gone dark. Whatever the werewolf was doing inside, Lucius would have no way of knowing.
He swallowed, another wave of anxiety hitting him as he considered what he wanted the werewolf to be doing.
Lucius stared at the building for a moment longer, keenly aware of how fast his heart was pounding and the way his vision seemed to be going dark at the edges, as if he wasn't getting enough oxygen.
"Fuck it," he whispered under his breath.
It didn't take him long to reach the stable, feet crunching in the snow that had continued to fall for the last couple of hours.
"Are you awake?" Lucius called out as soon as he was inside.
Lucius heard the shuffle of hay in the cell as he approached, and then Remus appeared through the bars, shoulders scrunched with hesitation.
Lucius paused when he saw the werewolf. He'd considered what might come next at length, had enough Fire Whiskey to give him the nerve to initiate it, and he'd had the foresight to protect both of them with the newly placed spells. But getting to what might come next, offering an explanation to the wolf, something to justify Lucius's exit and his sudden return... he hadn't come up with a satisfying plan for that.
"I would be now, if I hadn't been before," the werewolf frowned, cutting through the silence. His voice sounded groggy, as though he'd either been sleeping or crying.
"Right," Lucius muttered, tightening his grip on his wand and glancing out one of the windows. "Well, I couldn't sleep."
"Is everything alright?" Remus asked, eyes flickering across Lucius, as if his next steps might be written somewhere on his person. Remus's concern was enough to thaw Lucius and get him walking again, though his legs felt shaky underneath him.
"Fine," he answered, aware of how deadpan his voice sounded as he tried to puzzle out what to say next.
"Alright…" Remus narrowed his eyes and took a step back from his cell door. The movement looked like a confused invitation—that Lucius could come in, if he wanted to.
Lucius reached the door of the cell and stopped, staring through the bars with clenched teeth. Remus's lips still looked red and puffy from earlier in the night. Lucius felt his throat tighten.
"I thought you needed time to think," Remus muttered, breaking the silence again.
"Well, clearly I wasn't doing much thinking in the house, was I?" Lucius sneered.
"Do I owe you an apology?"
Lucius startled, eyes widening. "No. Why would you?"
Remus made an impatient, shocked face. "Because I kis—well, I did that, and then you ran off."
Lucius winced.
"I didn't leave because of what you did," Lucius managed to force the words out, though it felt like he was pulling up some terribly heavy anchor from the bottom of the sea with his tongue alone.
"Then what was it?" Remus pushed, voice still thick. "Do I need to be worried?"
"No?" Lucius pondered aloud. "I mean. Unless my erm…"
He stopped, swallowed hard, and wondered if he should say what came next.
"Unless my cowardice is worrisome."
Remus raised his eyebrows in response, almost looking as surprised as Lucius felt.
"That's a difficult question to answer without actually knowing what you're talking about, sir," Remus noted, lips drawn tightly together.
Lucius's chin jutted back, and he felt a flash of hot anger in his chest. Sir?
"Don't call me that," he snapped, not pausing to think twice about the order.
Remus stared at him blankly. "Pardon me?"
"Don't call me that," Lucius repeated through the bars, shoulders inching up. "I don't want to hear it."
"I'm having an incredibly difficult time keeping up with you here, Lucius," Remus sighed in exasperation, running a hand over his face.
"I don't want you to apologise and I don't want you to go back to calling me sir. Not… not when we're alone, anyway," Lucius explained, the words coming more easily than he'd anticipated. It was an embarrassing admission, but it was easier than addressing the reason he'd come back.
"Then what do you want?" Remus asked.
Lucius's respite had been short-lived. He grimaced and looked down at his feet. His boots were muddy.
"I want…" Lucius began, but his voice cracked, forcing him to stop.
He took a breath and looked back up to Remus. Although the werewolf was standing completely still, it almost looked like he was vibrating—as if every cell in his body was buzzing in nervous anticipation. The sight shifted something inside of Lucius.
"I regret leaving. I want to finish what we started."
Remus stopped vibrating. Instead, he looked dumbstruck for a moment, wide-eyed and slack jawed, as if that was the very last thing that he'd expected Lucius to say. For a minute, Lucius wanted to take the words back, terrified of what he might've just done.
And then Remus blinked and dropped his shoulders.
"And you…" Remus looked away, body tense. "There won't be any consequences from this?"
Lucius was unable to stifle a sharp bark of laughter at the question.
"Of course there will be," he chuckled. "But I don't plan to be the one exacting them."
Remus offered a tired smile back to Lucius and then inclined his head and took another step back. There was no confusion in this unspoken invitation: he wanted Lucius to join him.
Lucius started to lift his wand to open the door, but then he caught a small shadow pass across his captive's face.
"Do you want to?" Lucius asked, heart skipping a beat.
"Want to what?"
"To… continue?"
He was aware of how pathetic he sounded, somewhere in the back of his mind, but apparently it wasn't as much of a turn off to Remus as it was to Lucius. For a moment, the werewolf looked impossibly tired and empathetic, and he let out a small, breathy laugh, as if it was the most heart-wrenching, ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.
"Yes," he answered, voice hoarse, eyes wide.
Lucius felt a thrill of panicked, pleased energy spiral up from his groin to his chest, and that was all that he needed to finish unlocking the door.
Remus's head hurt from how high his blood pressure had skyrocketed, and he found himself unable to move as Lucius walked into the repurposed horse stall. Remus's breaths were coming in slow and deep, but shaky, as if he were waiting for a predator to pounce.
He had been honest when he'd said yes—but that didn't diminish the panic that accompanied it. Of every outcome he'd considered in the time since Lucius had left, an immediate return and direct initiation had not been on the list of options. If anything, Remus had been grappling with resignation that it wouldn't happen—because the longer he'd sat alone in his cell, the more he'd found himself longing for those brief moments when he'd stopped thinking about anything else, when Lucius was in his arms. It might've been an unhealthy distraction, more poison than tonic, but it had been something. No risk of seeing Sirius's features in Tonks's, no painful loneliness when he pushed her away. Just the sense of knowing, in the core of his being, that Lucius wanted him, regardless of the consequences.
And here he was, offering that relief back up on a silver platter.
Lucius stood frozen in the open doorway. His cheeks were red, a sharp contrast to the purple circles under his eyes and the prickly hairs growing on his cheeks. There were little wet spots on his skin and shirt where snowflakes had landed on him and melted. Remus had spotted him casting spells on the stable before he'd come inside; the dark wizard had dressed himself in only a shirt, high-waisted trousers, and tall boots, and it made him look like an absurd Byronic hero. It was almost enough to make Remus laugh.
Instead, he considered how strange Lucius would've looked crossing the grounds in the middle of the night, had anyone been looking on from the Manor.
"Is it safe?" Remus asked, glancing over his shoulder at the window. "No one followed you? You obscured us?"
Lucius nodded, rooted to the spot. Another wave of insecurity seemed to have washed over him, shifting the dark wizard into something weak and wanting, and Remus felt his blood start to move in different ways as he stared at his fumbling, pathetic captor.
"Shut the door, then," he murmured, and Lucius let out a surprised, shaky breath.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes. Shut the door."
The instruction seemed to light something inside of Lucius on fire, and he let out a low, needy sound before flicking the door shut behind him and then sliding his wand into his pocket. His hands were shaking.
They stood still for a moment, staring at each other.
"Come here, then," Remus continued, trying to ignore the anxious twisting in his gut.
Lucius's eyebrows turned upward, an expression of relieved surrender.
"Alright," the dark wizard whispered, and then he pushed forward and closed the space between them.
Lucius wrapped his arms around Remus's neck and kissed him, hard, hungry, messy, as soon as he could, and Remus felt his body spark in response. He gave into the kiss immediately, pulling the dark wizard close and trying to stifle a smirk as Lucius let out a soft grunt of excitement.
Remus intended to keep kissing deeply like that for a moment, but then Lucius shifted his weight, and his hands moved down Remus's chest, coming to rest on the younger wizard's belt loops. Remus let out a surprised sound, shocked at the implication that Lucius might be jumping straight to that.
"Oh, please," Lucius mocked in a raspy voice, pulling free of their kiss as his hands slipped under Remus's shirt and began to lift the fabric up. "Do you really think I wouldn't take my time with you, after everything you've put me through?"
Remus smirked as Lucius started to lift the shirt.
"What I've put you through?" Remus breathed, and Lucius paused, shirt resting along his ribs.
"Don't play coy, now," Lucius hissed, and Remus was surprised again when the white-haired wizard leaned down to kiss Remus's chest as it was slowly exposed.
His lips were hard with their thinness, but Lucius was good with his tongue, tracing it in a soft arc along Remus's pectoral muscles, pausing to suckle gently as he went. Remus managed to stay composed until he could feel Lucius's lips dragging over one of his nipples, and he flinched away from the sudden flash of intense sensation.
Lucius blinked, looking up at Remus with questioning eyes, but the younger wizard refused to dignify the unspoken question with an answer. Instead, Remus turned away and bit his lower lip, pretending that he couldn't feel his cheeks turning dark red.
Lucius let out a small, amused laugh, and then lapped his tongue along Remus's nipple once, slowly, causing Remus's knees to buckle before Lucius opened his mouth to speak.
"Lift your arms," he instructed, and Remus did as he was told, not eager to attempt to speak while he could still feel Lucius's breath on his bare skin.
Lucius dropped the shirt and looked like he was about to return to exploring Remus's chest, but then Remus remembered how he could stop Lucius in his tracks. The younger wizard bit his lip and raised a hand to Lucius's head, tucking his fingers gently above his low ponytail. Lucius immediately softened and tilted his chin up so that they could look directly at each other. His lips were wet with saliva.
"What have I put you through that's so bad?" Remus asked in a soft, deep voice. "Surely you've done far worse to me."
Lucius practically trembled, swallowing hard and leaning back into Remus's hand. Remus couldn't tell yet if that was a silent plea for Remus to do something more, or an attempt to get relief from even the small amount of tension that Remus had applied as he tangled his fingers in its length.
"You can't be that blind," Lucius managed, though his voice was so torn it almost sounded like he was about to cry.
"Tell me as though I am," Remus murmured, lowering his face so that his nose gently touched his captor's. Lucius half-closed his eyes, hands coming to rest on Remus's bare torso again, nails digging gently into his flesh.
"You've tempted me since the day you got here," Lucius admitted, opening his eyes again so that he could search Remus's face. "You must know that?"
The confession sent Remus's head spinning. He did know that—or, at least, had guessed at it. But to hear Lucius confess it, to admit that it went back that far…
"I want you to tell me," Remus growled. The sound, or perhaps the command, seemed to send Lucius reeling, and the dark wizard groaned, leaning his face against Remus's chest for a moment. Remus let him, seizing the opportunity to tilt his head back and take in a deep breath of cool evening air, thoughts still racing.
"I think… I think I have wanted to make you mine since the first moment I pushed you up against that wall in the cellar," Lucius whispered, voice ragged, breath coming out hot and teasing on Remus's skin. "Since I put my mouth to your ear and tasted your sweat while you struggled against me."
Remus felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand, gooseflesh spreading up and down his arms and across his chest. Lucius seemed to feel it too, because he straightened up again, wiping his mouth as he looked Remus in the eyes.
"I didn't want to admit it, at first," Lucius continued, sounding more confident by the second. "But you never stopped being so… I've never wanted to make someone… submit as much as I want to make you."
Remus felt his breathing go shallow again, his grip on his captor loosen.
"Submit?" he asked, trying to keep his voice even. "That's all you want?"
"No," Lucius answered, fast, leaning in. "I thought that was all I wanted."
"But?" Remus asked, barely able to speak.
Lucius looked to be at war with himself for a moment, eyes wide and lips parted. Remus wanted to say something, to end Lucius's misery somehow, because it did look miserable, but Lucius seemed to fight through it.
"But then you kissed me," he choked out, and the dark wizard looked angrier somehow, as if he were annoyed with Remus for the effect that the werewolf had on him. The expression caught on something in Remus's chest, tugging him forward, away from his shock.
"Another thing I've put you through, I presume?" Remus asked, face darkening as he lifted a hand and rested it on the back of Lucius's head again. The other wizard flinched, but didn't stop him.
"Yes," Lucius answered in a hoarse whisper. "Another thing."
Remus let his fingers find the tie holding Lucius's ponytail in place and pulled gently on it until he could release the wizard's long hair. Lucius made a quiet sound in response, but Remus ignored it, moving instead to grip Lucius's hair at the base of his skull, allowing him to pull the dark wizard's head back in one tug.
"What if I'm not ready to stop making you suffer?" Remus growled, half-aware of the many potential meanings of his words.
Lucius froze, and then the fire in his eyes brightened, and his face contorted into something closer to a snarl.
"I'd like to see you try," he rumbled back, and he obviously meant it to sound derisive, but it was far from hurtful.
"Oh you foolish, foolish man," Remus answered, softening his voice with mock pity. "What an idiotic thing to say."
Lucius looked like he was about to keep arguing, but Remus didn't give him the chance. Instead, he moved quickly, knowing he had the element of surprise. He grabbed at Lucius, flipping him around and pushing him forward until Lucius was pressed face-first into the nearest wall and Remus was pressed up directly behind him.
Lucius struggled as Remus went, but Remus used his height and momentary control to keep Lucius in place. By the end of it, Remus had both of Lucius's hands held behind his back with one of his own, left hand still tightly wound in Lucius's hair.
"What are you doing?" Lucius asked, thrashing his shoulders.
"What you asked me to," Remus answered, pretending to be confused. "Trying."
"I didn't ask for this," Lucius protested as he tried to shove out of his position using his hips. Remus let out a low hiss at the sudden pressure against him, and Lucius froze, obviously registering how close they were to each other for the first time—and the fact that Remus's dick, though still soft, was very obviously between them.
"You don't have to lie to me anymore, Lucius," Remus whispered, bringing his lips to Lucius's ear.
"I'm not lying," Lucius sneered, turning his head so that his left cheek was pressed into the wall, making his right ear even more prone to Remus.
"Then you're telling me you don't want this?" Remus asked, letting his tongue slip out and trace along Lucius's earlobe while simultaneously tightening his grip on the dark wizard's hair. Lucius yelped, but it was a sound made of pure pleasure, and Remus felt a warm tingle of satisfaction in his abdomen.
"N-no…" Lucius struggled to speak, and Remus noticed that the older wizard was looking frantic, cheeks red, eyes starting to water from the hair pulling. The expression was enough for blood to start rushing to Remus's cock, and he smiled gently before he spoke.
"No, what?" Remus hummed. "Do I need to stop?"
"Don't you f-fucking d-dare," Lucius tried his best to speak with command, but then Remus moved his hips gently, just enough to make his slowly hardening cock rub against Lucius's backside, and the wizard stuttered.
The words and reaction egged Remus on, and he ground harder into his captor, pulling his head back so that he was arched into Remus—and then Remus remembered the first dream he'd had about Lucius, when he'd fucked Sirius in a position very similar to this, on a bed, until Sirius had dropped down onto the sheets…
"Wh—I just told you not to stop, wolf," Lucius growled, stretching to look over his shoulder.
There was a shadowy look in the werewolf's eyes as he refocused on Lucius, as though he'd just seen something disturbing. Lucius tried desperately to slow his breaths, embarrassed by the way he was practically panting, heart pounding so hard in his chest that he could practically feel it slamming into the wood wall.
"Sorry," Remus muttered, his dominant tone slipping for a moment. "I got distracted."
"Distracted?" Lucius snipped, feeling his body stutter to a halt. "I don't want this if I can't even keep your attention."
Remus stared at Lucius's face for a moment and then offered a small, troubled smile.
"That's hardly the problem."
"Then? What is it?" Lucius asked, trying to turn around to face Remus although the werewolf was still loosely holding him in place.
"It's nothing," Remus shook his head, letting go of Lucius's hair and using his free hand to tuck some of it behind Lucius's ear, instead. "You're just not the only one who's… thought of this before."
The idea flowed like warm water into Lucius's abdomen.
"What do you mean?" he muttered, breath quickening again.
"You can't be that blind," Remus repeated Lucius's own words.
"Don't mock me," Lucius hissed, trying to flex his wrists under Remus's grasp. He knew he wouldn't win, but the feeling—
"Fine," Remus murmured, running the back of his free hand along the curve of Lucius's shoulder. Lucius let out an involuntary shiver. "Would you rather we stop talking?"
"Yes," Lucius admitted, twisting his head again to look at Remus, trying to summon every drop of false anger that he could. Because he wasn't angry at all—just needy. He needed to lose his mind entirely, to forget about everything, to be swept up in his lust and want and to forget, for a moment, that the werewolf was his prisoner, and there was a war, and Lucius had a wi—
"Use your manners," Remus interrupted Lucius's train of thought, leaning closer. The feeling of his breath made Lucius trip on his words for a moment, his eyes rolling back in his head.
"Please," Lucius managed in a hoarse whisper.
"Good boy," Remus cooed, and Lucius felt a flurry of emotions he'd never felt before, and he wanted to say something—but it was too late.
Remus moved fast again, he was far too good at that, and lifted Lucius's hands up, pushing them against the wall as if they were there to brace the dark wizard.
"Keep your hands there unless I tell you otherwise," Remus ordered, and Lucius let out a muffled sound of agreement.
"Good," Remus hummed, and then he pushed in closer, placing his hands on top of Lucius's, grinding into the older wizard and burying his face in his neck for a moment. Lucius gasped, both at the relief of Remus being pushed up against him again, and at the fact that he could very clearly feel the other wizard's cock pressed against him, now. Contrary to what he'd told the werewolf earlier in the night, Lucius hadn't ever felt that feeling before; he'd never let a man get that close to him. But it felt… good.
Lucius didn't have long to linger in the sensation, though.
"Tell me what you want," Remus spoke in a low, urgent voice, mouth directly up against Lucius's ear again.
"What? What do you mean?" Lucius shuddered, hips rolling back into Remus of their own accord, a lewd motion that made his breath catch in his throat.
"Where do you want me to touch you? How far do you want to… go?"
"Oh," Lucius muttered, blinking rapidly as he realised what Remus meant.
Remus chuckled in his ear.
Lucius already knew the answer to that question. He'd known since he'd left the house to walk to the stables.
"Everywhere," he whimpered. "And as far as you want to."
Remus made a low, guttural sound, and then he began to trace his hands down Lucius's arms, onto his chest and torso, tugging at his shirt until it slipped out of his trousers. Remus's rough fingers touched his skin, and the sensation made Lucius jump with pleasurable surprise.
"Move," Remus instructed, and Lucius obliged without needing any further instructions, shifting so that Remus could take Lucius's thin white blouse off.
And then the also shirtless Remus was up against him again, and their bare skin was touching for the first time, and it was intoxicating. Lucius arched back into him, reaching up behind his prisoner's neck so that they could be closer to each other while Remus's hands clutched tightly to Lucius's middle. And then the werewolf's breathing changed again, and his hands began to move lower.
"Oh—" Lucius exclaimed as Remus's fingers reached the button on his trousers and began to fiddle with it.
"Alright?" Remus paused.
"Yes," Lucius responded, and he squirmed a bit, gently knocking his head backward as if to admonish Remus. "You don't have to keep asking me."
"I'm not going to do anything you don't enjoy," Remus murmured, fingers dancing down and beginning to trace over the line of Lucius's cock through his trousers. If it hadn't already been hard, it got that way quickly under the werewolf's touch. Lucius let out a sharp gasp at the touch and leant forward, supporting himself on the wall again.
"I don't like feeding full dogs, either," Remus finished his thought.
Lucius snorted at the reference, even as he had to squeeze his eyes shut out from the sheer thrill of the sensation. "I promise I'll tell you if I don't like something, mutt."
It was Remus's turn to snort, although his was harsher. It took a moment for Lucius to realise through his haze that Remus must've been annoyed to be called a mutt again.
"Fine," the werewolf muttered, but Lucius had the distinct feeling that Remus had no intention of listening to him.
Remus refocused the both of them quickly, though, undoing the button on Lucius's trousers in one smooth movement. He didn't miss a beat before hooking his thumb under the band of Lucius's underwear and tugging it down, and Lucius thought he might lose his mind with desire as he waited for Remus to touch him.
And then he did.
All these weeks of desperate, utterly foolish lust and seemingly unrequited obsession—and it was finally happening.
"Fuck," Lucius whispered to himself as Remus's fingers danced along the length of his shaft, pausing for a moment before he wrapped his large hand around Lucius's entire width. Lucius shuddered at the touch. The werewolf made a low, satisfied sound as his thumb made contact with the tip of Lucius's cock, sliding into the pre-cum that had already gathered there and teasing it away.
Lucius felt his nails dig into the wall and his teeth grit as he bucked forward into Remus's hand. Remus followed him, chest pressed against Lucius's back, making more low sounds as their bodies moved together.
Lucius was lost in the sensation for a moment until their weight shifted, and he became aware of the sensation of Remus's hard dick against his ass again, and it made him feel as though he might be the only one who was truly a beast between the two of them.
"More," Lucius growled as Remus continued to slowly jack him off.
"Hmm?" Remus hummed, as if he was lost in the moment. "What do you want?"
"More," Lucius repeated. "You."
"Me?" Remus teased, easing the tension on Lucius's dick. "What part of me could you possibly want?"
"Fuck off," Lucius snapped. "Just—"
"Just what? Remember your manners," Remus cut him off, stopping his movement entirely.
"Please. Just. Fuck. Me."
The words were out of Lucius's mouth before he could think about stopping himself, and he felt as though he might vomit out of the sheer horror of having admitted it. Both men were quiet for a minute—and then Remus began to laugh, leaning his forehead into Lucius's back.
Lucius turned bright red as Remus let go of his dick entirely, moving his hands to Lucius's hips as if they were the perfect handles to hold onto while he cracked up.
"Excuse me?" Remus asked, and there was enough laughter in his voice that Lucius wondered if he might've brought tears to the werewolf's eyes.
"What?" Lucius snapped, taking the moment's reprieve to shove Remus's hands off of him and turn around.
A bad idea.
The werewolf was resplendent, smile genuine and body at ease. His eyes were hooded and his face and chest were red, and Merlin's beard did he look good without a shirt on. It was hard to fathom how Lucius had seen Remus naked twice before and managed to keep his hands to himself. His eyes strayed further down. Remus's small tummy rested over his own trousers, which were barely containing a very obvious hard-on.
Seeing it was enough to send a bolt of nervous energy through him, leaving Lucius to force his eyes upward again.
"What's so funny about it?" he muttered as Remus lifted a hand to brush some hair off of Lucius's face. Lucius winced.
"Oh, don't be cross," Remus chided, tucking the hair behind Lucius's ear as his smile turned mischievous. "I'm just not used to you being so… direct. It was nice."
Lucius grimaced, embarrassment creeping up his neck. Nice. That hadn't been his intention.
"I would be happy to," Remus continued, tone still good natured. "I'm just… well, I thought you'd want to fuck me."
Lucius gulped, heart skipping a beat, feeling rooted to the ground. "I do," he spoke in a shaking voice. "Soon enough."
"But this is what you've been thinking about?" Remus asked, tilting his head to the side, smile starting to fade. "Since I kissed you?"
Lucius felt another wave of nausea overcome him at the question, and he clenched his fists in an attempt to gain control over himself. He wasn't sure he could say it again, so he just pursed his lips and nodded at Remus.
The werewolf's body language changed in an instant, eyes growing darker, shoulders cocking. He was staring down his nose at Lucius like… prey. Lucius's mind flashed back to Remus in his wolf form, panting and drooling, waiting to attack, and Lucius felt his breath stop entirely.
"And how do you want me to fuck you, exactly?" Remus asked, reaching down to Lucius's hands and guiding them to the button and zipper on Remus's own trousers.
Lucius glanced down at their hands and found himself unable to move his fingers. He couldn't move anything. He was suddenly acutely aware of the fact that his bottoms had been undone, his pants pulled down so that his dick was fully exposed, and his heart fluttered when he processed that yes, the werewolf had just been jacking him off a moment ago.
He took a shallow, shaking breath and looked Remus in the eye again.
"I don't want to remember who I am, or where we are, or what comes next," he spoke under his breath, and the fact that he was managing a full sentence looked just as shocking to Remus as it was to him. "I want you to fuck me wherever and however you want me until I'm shaking and spent."
Remus's eyes searched Lucius's face, and Lucius had the distinct impression that he was imagining all the outcomes, visualizing all the ways he could fuck Lucius senseless. The idea made Lucius want to give in and let his knees buckle. Instead, he looped his index finger inside the band of Remus's trousers.
"I can arrange that," Remus murmured a moment later. "But I need you to tend to this," he let go of Lucius's hands, drawing his attention back to Remus's still done-up trousers, "first."
"Of course," Lucius answered far too quickly, far too eagerly. He worked quickly to unhook the button, to unzip the zipper, until he could see Remus's grey boxer briefs and the spot of liquid that had gathered there. He was struck by the smell of him—the salty tang of pre-cum already gathered. For some reason, Lucius felt himself salivating.
Turning bright red, he let his hand run down the outline of Remus's cock, and the werewolf let out a pleased hiss before lifting a hand up to the wall behind them to hold himself upright. The movement emboldened Lucius, and he moved quickly to tug Remus's underwear down.
His cock fell out easily, Lucius's pride seeming to disappear at the same moment. He stared down at it with wide eyes, lips parting as he reached out to touch it. Remus murmured encouragingly as Lucius rested his hand underneath Remus's balls, enjoying the silky softness of the delicate skin. The werewolf had several freckles along his pubic bone, just before his pubic hair, and Lucius had the overwhelming urge to kiss them.
"I want to—" Lucius felt gooseflesh spread across his skin again as he glanced up, still gently cupping Remus. The werewolf's eyes flickered open, and he was still staring at Lucius with that deadly seriousness that had come over him after Lucius's latest admission.
"What?" Remus asked. His cock twitched in Lucius's hand, sending a thrill up his spine.
"I want to taste you," Lucius whispered.
Several tortured expressions flashed across Remus's face before he landed on something more closely related to irritation.
"You want an awful lot, don't you?" Remus murmured, leaning down again and hovering near Lucius's face.
Lucius nodded and closed his hand around Remus's cock. Remus flinched and his body tensed—but it was obvious to Lucius that it was because the other man was trying to control himself.
"We can't always get what we want now though, can we?" he continued, breathing deeply as he rested his lips directly on Lucius's. The dark wizard fought not to squirm, not to give in and lunge for the kiss that the werewolf was so obviously tempting him with. "So I'm afraid you'll have to ask me to fuck your mouth some other time."
Lucius let out an embarrassingly needy sound at that, and he could feel Remus's self-satisfied grin as he leaned in and started kissing Lucius again. Lucius melted into it, doing his best to keep himself upright. He had almost managed it, until Remus pressed close enough that he had to move his hand—and then their dicks touched.
The sensation was intense and sudden enough that he let out another loud sound, and Remus started to laugh again, but it wasn't nearly as wholesome, now. He ran his teeth gently against Lucius's lip as he chuckled, shifting his hips so that the two of them could rub up against each other, and Lucius had to shut his eyes and lean his head back to keep himself breathing.
This was a wholly new sensation and he was experiencing it with Remus Lupin. Some sane part of him, comfortably tucked into the back of his mind, knew that he should be disgusted. If he was going to be with the wolf, he should be the one in control—already deep inside the wolf, fucking him and calling him names until he was done and left. But he didn't want that. He couldn't have wanted anything less. He wasn't disgusted, and he wasn't afraid, and for a moment, there wasn't a sadistic bone in his body.
"Please," Lucius whimpered, because there wasn't anything left for him to do but beg. "Please, Remus. I need it.
Remus had to shut his eyes and revel for a moment in the way that Lucius was trembling under him. The dark wizard almost sounded like he was crying, with the little sounds he made every time their dicks stroked against each other, every time Remus kissed his mouth or jaw or ear.
"Tell me again," Remus growled, completely consumed by the head rush that came with knowing how badly someone wanted—needed him. "Tell me what you need."
"Please," Lucius actually sobbed, the kind of dry, whimpering sound that comes from total desperation. "I need you to fuck me."
"You do, don't you?" Remus growled, cock throbbing with the intensity of the moment, of the way that Lucius was squirming against him. He hadn't expected it, but now that the offer was in front of him… "Come here."
He used Lucius's half-on trousers as his leverage, tugging the dark wizard forward and then shoving him toward the cot. Lucius looked shocked as he went, but he didn't protest, not even when Remus roughly guided him down and back onto the cot and instructed him to take off his boots. He looked absurd as he laid there, propped up on his elbows, chest heaving and cock bouncing as he waited for Remus's next move.
"You need to get your wand out of your pocket and then take your trousers off," Remus breathed from where he stood over Lucius, knowing very well that his own chest was heaving, too.
"Wh—why?"
"Lubrication," Remus muttered. "Get it out."
Lucius blinked several times and then scrambled into action, pulling his wand out and actually clenching it between his teeth as he struggled to get his trousers and underwear off. The sight of him so nervous and excited was enough to make Remus's cock twitch again, and he reached down to start playing with it, waiting with a pounding heart for the dark wizard to notice.
And notice, he did.
Lucius looked up at him for a second as he finished kicking his clothes off. His legs were pale and covered in white hair, and his cock was, regrettably, gorgeous. Remus was a bit annoyed by it until Lucius realised what Remus was doing and did a double take, going totally still and staring at him.
"Do you know the spell?" Remus asked, still not willing to lower himself down onto the bed yet, not while Lucius stared at him as if he might literally be the saviour of all wizardkind.
"N-no," Lucius answered, sounding so impossibly fragile.
"That's fine," Remus offered a thin smile, and then he bent down and grabbed tightly at Lucius's hair. The wizard yelped in surprise, but his hips arched up, too, as if he might be able to thrust his way into something, and Remus let out a dark laugh.
"The charm is Lubricare," he instructed, keeping his voice low. "You think you can manage casting it on my fingers?"
"Your fingers?" Lucius whined through the obviously enjoyable pain of having his hair pulled.
"Yes," Remus snarled, reaching his left hand out in front of Lucius. "Can you do it?"
"Mmhmm," Lucius whimpered, and then he was drawing his wand up and doing exactly as he'd been told.
The lubricant came out smooth, light, and warm on Remus's skin. It was an ingenious charm, something that cleaned as it went, didn't need to be reapplied, and formed a protective barrier against any potential infection. Remus would've kissed the inventor, if he knew who it had been. Probably some delightfully crafty lesbian.
He smiled at the thought, and then let Lucius go. The dark wizard slumped back onto his elbows again, dropping his wand and looking up at Remus.
For a moment, Remus was distracted by the one dark spot on Lucius's pale body—the tattoo on the inside of his left forearm. It was an ugly, dark thing, and for a moment, it was enough to make Remus freeze—and then he glanced back up to see Lucius's facial expression again, and he gulped and shook the discomfort from his mind.
Remus said nothing, just eased himself down onto the bed, between Lucius's legs. He used his right hand to lift one of Lucius's legs over his lap, giving him the access that he needed to Lucius's ass, and then glanced up.
"This isn't necessarily the best angle for this," Remus explained, getting himself back into the moment, running his nails along Lucius's thigh and making the other man shudder again. "But I want to be able to see your face."
"For—"
"I'm going to make my way inside of you, if you're ready for us to begin?" Remus interrupted, raising his brows and willing his eyes to look as dangerous as he could. Lucius's reaction would suggest that it worked. The dark wizard's eyes went wide, lips parting again.
"Are you?" Remus asked, taking some of the lube from his left hand and sliding it onto his right before he moved toward Lucius's cock.
"Yes," the other wizard whimpered through his still covered face.
"Look at me," Remus commanded, and Lucius did so immediately, focusing on Remus's face. Remus rewarded him with a pleased smile, and then he got to work, not wanting to waste a second longer.
He quickly wrapped his hand around Lucius's annoyingly beautiful cock, beginning to gently tug at it again, using his thumb to stimulate anything the rest of his hand wasn't wrapped around, and Lucius immediately bucked up into his touch.
"Hold on, hold on," Remus hummed in a calm voice, and Lucius reluctantly lowered his hips, propping himself back up on his elbows again and staring down at Remus with wide eyes. Remus's cock ached from that look—so excited, so nervous, so trusting.
"What did I do to deserve that expression?" Remus murmured, smiling calmly, far more calmly than he felt, as he lowered his left hand and sought out Lucius's entrance. It didn't take him long to find it—his middle finger was dancing up against the taught skin before Lucius even had a chance to answer him.
The dark wizard's face flushed, and he grabbed at Remus's cot sheet as if it was the only thing keeping him in one piece.
"I can't say that I'm aware of my expressions right now," Lucius whimpered, eyebrows turning upward when Remus began to place the slightest amount of pressure against Lucius's hole. Hearing the dark wizard use his name was odd, but not unwelcome.
"I'll have to show you sometime," Remus breathed, tightening his grip on Lucius's cock.
Lucius didn't have a clever answer; he just hung his head backward and groaned, thrusting his hips upward instinctually. Remus let his finger follow along with him, rubbing and pressing gently against the opening as he pulled at Lucius's cock. He kept at it for a couple more involuntary thrusts, until Lucius started whining like a puppy.
"You ready for more?" Remus murmured.
"Yes," Lucius panted.
"Good," Remus smiled, running his thumb along Lucius's urethra again, sending Lucius's eyes rolling back in his head.
"I need you to take a deep breath now, okay?" Remus coached, pressing ever so gently against Lucius's hole. "Nice and slow. Keep breathing, even when I go in."
Lucius nodded fervently, obviously unable to speak, and Remus waited until the dark wizard began to exhale—and then he slipped his finger inside.
"Fuck!" Lucius exclaimed, one hand snapping to Remus's forearm and digging his nails into place.
Remus bit his lip as he slowly pushed farther inside. Lucius was warm, and smooth, and Remus could feel his muscles undulating, but not in a way that seemed painful.
"Does that feel good?" he hummed, slowly beginning to draw his finger back out.
"Yes!" Lucius exclaimed, tightening his grip on Remus's arm. "Strange, but good. Don't stop."
"Greedy, greedy," Remus smirked, but he obliged, letting his finger slide back in, deeper this time, and pressing up. Lucius bucked again as Remus applied the tiny bit of pleasure, and Remus closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the sensations as he slowly readied Lucius for more.
"Should I bother asking if you want a second finger?" Remus asked, reopening his eyes and looking up to Lucius.
He was surprised to see the dark wizard watching him, lips puffy, eyes wet, breath coming in shallow huffs. The dark wizard's abs clenched when they made eye contact, as if it turned him on even more.
"No," Lucius whispered. "I told you I don't want to think anymore."
Remus offered Lucius a confident smile and slipped a second finger inside while they were still staring into each others' eyes. Lucius cursed, bending forward as if he wanted to kiss Remus, but Remus pushed him back, knowing it wouldn't be comfortable for the other man—and that he might lose control if they were any closer to each other. His cock was already aching enough as it was.
"Then don't think," he whispered, and he let his fingers slip in a bit farther before he sought out his mark—the small bulb of tissue that marked the prostate. It didn't take long until he was pressing the pads of his fingers up, gently, moving in the tiniest of circles, and Lucius practically roared at the sensation.
The dark wizard cried out, grinding down into Remus's fingers, and Remus could feel the blonde wizard's cock starting to harden in a new, risky way.
"Ah, ah, ah," Remus tutted, backing off of Lucius's prostate slightly, waiting for Lucius to look at him again. The wizard was, undoubtedly, finished with thinking. His eyes had glazed over, and his face was a mask of ecstasy, lips and eyebrows trembling. "Are you sure you want to finish before I'm even inside of you?"
"No!" Lucius objected, trembling. "No, I want to feel you—"
"Good," Remus smiled, and he let go of Lucius's dick, but pressed up on his prostate a couple more times for his own personal satisfaction. Lucius writhed, a free hand rushing down to his cock, and Remus batted it away without a second thought.
"You may not touch yourself unless I say so," Remus growled, and Lucius let his hand drop to his side immediately, nodding furiously, as if he would listen to any command Remus gave him in that moment.
"Turn over," Remus whispered, sliding his fingers out of Lucius. "Get on all fours."
It took Lucius a moment to even process the instruction. He felt like he was trying to drag himself up from deep, deep below the surface, a quiet place in his mind he'd never visited before—and in resurfacing, he discovered that his arms and legs had turned to jelly.
"I can't," Lucius whimpered, "I can't move."
"Oh, I think you'll be surprised," Remus purred, hand drifting down to Lucius's thigh and gripping it tightly.
Even this touch was enough to send another jolt of pleasure through Lucius, and he felt himself curl in on himself for a moment, as if trying to hide from how good it all felt. He'd been seconds away from an orgasm only moments ago, and that feeling wasn't lost on him. It felt like every part of him was tingling with adrenaline, as if he'd come right up to the edge of a cliff but jumped back at the last minute.
"Move," Remus instructed, and the tone was enough to make Lucius try.
His efforts were fumbling and imprecise, and he nearly kicked Remus at one point, but he managed to get himself turned around, face pointed toward the cell door, limbs shaking as he held himself upright.
"You tell me if you're in pain or need to move at any point," Remus breathed, and some distant part of Lucius marvelled at how comforting the werewolf's voice could be when he wanted it to.
"I will," Lucius muttered, squeezing his eyes shut and looking down at the dirty floor, suddenly aware that Remus was perched right behind him, watching him.
For a moment, Lucius felt more naked and vulnerable than he had in his entire life. His wand was on the floor beside them. He was completely prone, while Remus still had his bottoms and shoes on, as far as Lucius knew. He had made the werewolf's life a living hell, mocked and belittled him since the moment they'd been together, and Remus had every right to take advantage of the moment—
And then Remus's cock was resting at Lucius's tailbone, a little drip of pre-cum dripping out onto his bare skin, and Lucius's mind went quiet. He didn't care what Remus did to him. Not as long as he could feel the werewolf fuck him, first.
"Take another deep breath for me," Remus instructed, and Lucius did so without hesitation.
And then the head of Remus's penis was pushing against Lucius's hole, and he was being told to breathe more, to relax, as Remus's nails tickled along Lucius's spine.
And then there was a gentle shift in his muscles, and Remus was inside him, and the low grumble that came out of the werewolf was like thunder. The feeling took Lucius's breath away, and he rolled his hips back in silence for a moment before Remus shivered and gripped at Lucius's love handles again. The sensation was enough to shock breath back into him.
"Yes," he moaned, low and shuddering, arching his back so that Remus could go even deeper. The werewolf groaned back in response, somewhere between appreciation and praise, and then he held Lucius's hips still for a moment, pushing in until Lucius could feel the werewolf's scrotum rubbing against his bare skin.
"Oh fuck," Remus whispered, hips twitching forward a tiny amount as if he might be able to get even deeper somehow, and then he began to slip out again, dick moving smoothly against the lubricant, nails digging tightly into Lucius.
"Yes," Lucius moaned again, arms starting to give out, so that he had to drop down onto his forearms and hold his ass even higher in the air. Remus groaned in approval at this too, starting to move in longer, deeper strokes.
Lucius got his wish.
For some indeterminate amount of time, absolutely nothing else existed. There was just this werewolf's hard, perfect cock, rushing into him and filling him up and making him feel a kind of pleasure he'd never felt before. Sometimes, Remus's rapturous sounds broke through, and Lucius rolled his eyes back, body on fire, unable to speak, to think, to do anything but curl his toes and bite his lip and beg the heavens that this feeling would never end.
Somewhere, distantly, Remus's voice cut through the ecstasy.
"What?" Lucius grunted, opening his eyes, suddenly aware of how drenched in sweat he was.
"I'm close," Remus murmured, almost slurring his words, and some part of Lucius registered that Remus had to be enjoying this, too, and that sent Lucius's eyes rolling back into his head again.
"Then fucking cum inside of me," Lucius responded, having had no idea what he would say before he opened his mouth.
Remus's hips shuddered. "Yeah?" he confirmed, voice husky.
"Do it," Lucius growled, looking back over his shoulder without meaning to.
Another bad idea.
He felt like he was going to faint when he saw the way Remus looked; looming, broad, slick with sweat, red with effort, eyes sparkling with unrestrained desire. He was still fucking him, and his eyes sparked when he caught Lucius staring back at him.
Remus just nodded, and then he was leaning down, and Lucius wasn't entirely sure what he was doing until he felt the werewolf's fingers wrap around his cock, and whatever momentary awareness Lucius had, it spiralled away from him.
The dark wizard had briefly been disappointed when Remus had told him to get on all fours, annoyed that he wouldn't be able to watch the wolf. But now, rushing toward climax, he knew that it was for the best. Lucius wasn't sure he'd ever be able to look Remus in the eyes again if the werewolf saw the face Lucius made as he finished, covering his own stomach and the cot in his mess, shouting from the intensity of it.
"Fuck!" Lucius swore, shuddering with the orgasm.
"Fuck," Remus groaned in response, and then he was finishing too, hips tensing as he emptied inside of Lucius.
Lucius nearly collapsed as he felt the hot, thick cum spurt into him, unable to do anything but shake and bend forward, whimpering like a frightened animal until Remus was done too, and they moved as a unit, shifting into a spooning position on the mattress, both of them twitching whenever their hips moved too suddenly.
They laid there breathing together for a while. Remus's chest was sticky with sweat from being pressed up against Lucius's back, but Lucius didn't protest. He only complained when Remus finally pulled out of him and shifted his body so that air could reach between them—and even that complaint was stifled when he could feel the liquid starting to seep out of him a second later. It was a foul feeling… and so, so satisfying.
"Well shit," Remus whispered, breathless. It sounded like he was staring at the ceiling.
Lucius let out an airy chuckle and lifted a hand to peel some of his hair off of his face. He couldn't imagine how ridiculous he looked.
"Indeed," Lucius muttered, not sure what else to say.
"Are you alright?" Remus asked. "I didn't… hurt you?"
"No," Lucius kissed his teeth. "No, I uh… I think I'm more than fine."
"Good," Remus mumbled.
They were quiet for a while longer, until Lucius felt his sweat starting to cool his skin. He shifted, wincing at how sensitive his cock and ass both felt. He was certainly returning to reality. The older wizard blinked several times and then twisted his neck to look at Remus. The wolf seemed to be deep in thought.
Lucius watched him for a second, taking the opportunity to drink in his features without being afraid of some consequence. He'd been worried about the wolf's reactions before, afraid of what Lucius might do himself, what stupid choices he might make… but the stupid choice had been made, now. He was free from it. The worst had happened.
"This… complicates things," Lucius murmured, turning away again, his stomach sinking.
Remus paused for a moment, and then turned his head toward Lucius, breath striking the back of Lucius's head.
"Were they uncomplicated before?" Remus asked, dry humour in his voice.
Lucius glared back over his shoulders at Remus with deeply unimpressed eyes, but the werewolf seemed unaffected. He just let out another snort of mirthless laughter and reached a hand up to wipe the sweat from his moustache.
"You should get going," he murmured a moment later, face relaxing. "We can't risk you being found here."
Lucius felt his stomach sink even further at the suggestion, and for a moment he wanted to lash out, to bark at Remus for pushing him away even after everything they'd just gone through—but then he imagined what it might be like to walk into the Manor and find any of his comrades waiting for him. That was more than enough motivation. The Death Eater grimaced and lifted himself upright, gingerly, a first step to leaving.
"You're right," he muttered, looking around for his wand, first, before starting to get dressed.
Remus watched Lucius in silence until the older wizard was fully dressed and staring down at Remus, still naked in the bed, candlelight causing his sweaty skin to shimmer.
"Well, I suppose I'll… see you tomorrow," Lucius muttered, wand in hand.
"Do you mind?" Remus asked, gesturing at the mess on the cot.
Lucius felt himself turn a completely inhuman colour, and he nodded, clenching his teeth and waving his wand to clean up the entire area in an instant.
"I'll see you tomorrow, then," Remus said, offering Lucius a tired smile once he was done.
"Right," Lucius mumbled, and then he returned to the Manor, moving as though a monster were at his back.
Remus stared at the ceiling, body still a mess of sweat and endorphins, trying to comprehend what had just happened.
"Fucking hell," he groaned to himself as he sat up, rubbing his eyes and trying not to get too distracted by the way his limp dick felt. "What a mess."
Literally and figuratively.
He looked around the room, searching for his shirt, first. It felt so far away, all the way against the back wall of his cell. He was about to force himself up to get it when he went to scratch at his ear—and found his nail catching in his piercing.
"Ow," he grunted, holding pressure to the piercing for a second as the worst of the pain passed. And then he came crashing back to earth from whatever planet he'd been on, and remembered the purpose of the piercing, and he rocked forward as though he might be about to pass out.
"No," he muttered to himself, shaking his head as he stood up. "No, this isn't my fault."
He stumbled over to his shirt, pulling it on first before finding his underwear and shaking the hay out of them.
"This wouldn't have happened if you'd saved me," he hissed. "I'm only here because you left me."
There was far more poison in those words than he'd expected there to be, but he knew he couldn't take them back once they were out of his mouth. He couldn't take any of it back.
"I can use this," he continued as he pulled his trousers back up, facing away from the stable window, as if someone might be able to see in. "I can save myself."
Or die a horrible death trying.
