"STEP RIGHT UP FOLKS! TAKE YOUR SHOT FOR A CHANCE TO WIN!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"DEEP-FRIED DONUTS! GET YOUR DEEP-FRIED DONUTS!"
"PETTING ZOO! COME SEE ALL THE CUTE ANIMALS!"
"Isn't it great?" an 11-year-old white haired boy said to the screen. "The Royal Woods County Fair."
Indeed, Lincoln stood amidst the hustling and bustling fairgrounds of his local county fair. All around him were rides, game booths, flashing lights, and guests of all shapes and sizes.
"It really is like a discount Dairyland," he went on. "All the fun and thrills of an amusement park and only half the cleanliness and safety regulations."
As if to prove his point, another ear-splitting shriek came from the rattling roller coaster behind him. "Eh, they're fine," he assured. "They haven't had an accident in over a month."
He stopped for a moment to take a big bite out of the foil-wrapped, grease-spewing, donut-burger in his hand, ketchup, cheese, and cinnamon glaze caking his lips.
"Ah, where else can you find such morsels like deep-fried donut burgers?" He licked his fingers clean. "And what's great about county fairs is that there's something for everyone, even in a family as big as mine."
"Lori's favorite thing is the Ferris wheel."
"Oh Boo-Boo Bear, this is just like our nineteenth date," Lori said lovely before pressing her lips once again to her boyfriend's… over the phone screen. She was completely oblivious to the fact that she'd been stuck at the top of the ride for the last thirty minutes.
"Leni and Lily both love the prizes."
"Oooh!" the ditzy blonde bounced on her feet as she looked over the line of ducks floating in front of her. "Which one, Lily?"
"Duckie!" From the carrier hitched over her stomach, Lily pointed at one on the far left. Leni picked it up and turned it over, squealing in delight.
"Yay! Three reds! Oh, you're literally the best good luck charm ever!" She planted a kiss on her sister's head. "I'll take the bunny!" She greedily snatched up the giant, white, fluffy rabbit from the attendant's hands and hugged it. "I'll call you Gianni."
"Ma'am, this is your twentieth prize," the attendant said, looking over at the huge net bag filled with stuffed animal prizes. "I'm happy for your luck," he placed a hand over his nose, "but could you please go change your sister?!"
"Not until I win you, Calvin Klein," Leni eyed a large teddy bear, ignoring the stench coming from Lily's diaper.
"Yep, that's Leni," Lincoln went on. "Luan loves the hall of mirrors."
"Blah! Bleeeeh!" Luan squeezed and stretched out her face in front of the trick mirror. Already distorted, she now looked absolutely hideous. "Yep, that's a face only a mother could love. Hehe!"
Chuckling at her own joke, the young jester turned to another mirror, this one making her stomach bulge out. "Oh Benny!" She cried in mock distress. "What will we tell our parents?! Hahaha!"
"For Luna, it's whatever old band they get to perform."
"We got the beat, we got the beat, yeah!"
"I LOVE YOU, GO-GOS!" Luna screamed, watching the aging female singers with absolute glee.
"For Lucy, it's obviously going to be the haunted houses."
"AHHHHHHHH!" Guests and costumed characters ran screaming out of the haunted house. Onlookers watched in shock as the culprit emerged, revealed to be one tiny little goth girl.
"All I said was boo," she chuckled.
"For the twins, it's all the games that pit them up against each other."
"I'm beating you, Princess Pouty!" Lana taunted.
"You so are not, Grub Gushler!" Lola shouted back, only to see her sister's boat reach the top first. "DANG IT!"
"Haha!" Lana triumphantly jumped from the water shooting game, "That's three for me!"
"Grrrr!" her sister looked rabid, much to her amusement.
"Careful, you'll ruin your makeup."
"Wac-A-Mole," Lola hissed. "Now!"
"Even Lisa has something she likes, the spinning rides."
"Stratosphere… Mesosphere… Thermosphere." Pinned to the wall of the ride, the four-year-old genius squealed in delight as she neared the final layers of the atmosphere in her astronaut fantasy. "Exoph-Huh?"
She opened her eyes as the ride slowed down and she slid back into her seat. "No! I was almost there!" Grabbing another ticket from her pocket, she angrily tossed it at the ride operator. "Susie, another spin!"
"Lisa, that's your fourth cycle," the operator argued. "Don't you think you've had enough?"
"I've had enough when I reach Jupiter! Now fulfill your minimum wage duty and start this circumferencing contraption!"
"As you can guess for me, it's the deep-fried foods," Lincoln polished off his donut-burger, giving his fingers one final lick. "So far today, I've had three corn dogs, two chocolate churros, an order of mac-n-cheese bites, an order of bacon-wrapped jalapeño poppers, six pickles, a pretzel, a large order of BBQ nachos, twelve Oreos, an extra large cherry cola slushy, an extra large funnel cake, and a double-stacked donut-cheeseburger, all deep fried to perfection." As he sighed with satisfaction at the feeling of glut, something came to mind. "Wait, did I forget someone?"
"HEADS UP, STINKCOLNNNNN!"
Lynn Jr landed on her brother, knocking him flat on his stomach.
"Oh yeah," he sputtered, "Lynn loves the climbing walls."
"Seriously, who are you talking to, bro?" Lynn gazed forward at the screen, unable to see the reader like her brother. "That's so weird."
"Ugh," Lincoln stumbled to his feet, the contents of his stomach now swirling around like a tornado. "Says the girl who wears a butt plug to her games," he muttered, trying desperately not to gag.
Lynn scoffed. "Hey, I told you that was just a stupid rumor!" Loosening up, she smiled and slapped her brother on the back. "Now come on, let's head on some coasters!"
Lincoln groaned, along with his stomach, "Lynn… I don't think I can-whoa!" He was yanked towards the nearest ride.
After several jerky rides on coasters that probably shouldn't have been approved, Lincoln finally managed to free himself from Lynn and head for the one place he wanted to be more than anything: the bathroom.
"Told you all that fried junk would be bad for you," Lynn said as she listened to her brother retch over and over again. "If I ate even a quarter of the stuff you did, coach would send me off to boot camp."
Lincoln walked out of the boy's room, hands on his stomach and traces of green still visible on his face. "I think I need to sit down."
At the moment, Leni emerged from the ladies' room, Lily in her hands. "All clean, my stinky little lucky charm!" She and her sister rubbed their cheeks together in affection before she noticed their other siblings. "Hey guys, having fun?"
"You know it!" Lynn said, her brother weakly nodding along.
Concern appeared on Leni's face. "Wow, you're not looking too good, Linky. You wanna come home with me? Lily's getting a bit tired…" their baby sister yawned, "and the twins have been banned for fighting," a fight cloud hovered into frame, both twins wailing at each other, "so I'm calling it quits for the day and taking them home."
It was tempting, but Lincoln felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Eh, he's fine," Lynn said, pulling him close. "I'll keep an eye on him."
Lincoln sighed. He didn't have the energy to argue with Lynn, much less try and run from her.
"Okay, bye guys!" Waving, Leni turned and grabbed the handle of the red wagon carrying her bulging net of prizes… which she'd also won. "Come on girls!" She strolled out of the park, the sisters' fight cloud following her.
"Man, look at all those silly little plushies," Lynn smiled and sighed as she shook her head, "What is Leni, sixteen or six?"
Lincoln blushed, he himself being the owner of a stuffed animal. "W-what's wrong with that?"
"Come on, bro, that stuff's for babies." Taking her brother by the arm, Lynn lead him down the row of game booths. "Everyone knows the best prize is winning." They passed by the ring toss game. "I can assure you I'd never waste my time trying to win a silly stuffed-"
What Lynn thought was stuffed and silly, Lincoln never learned. His sister had glanced over at the wall of prizes and seen something that caused her to freeze mid-sentence. Letting go of her brother, Lynn turned and slowly approached the wall, her eyes wide, glossy, and focused on one single item near the very top.
"Custom jersey and shorts… personal arm weights," she gasped, "he even has his headband!" She bit her lip, squealing in excitement. Lincoln followed her gaze to a large, stuffed monkey on the top.
"The… monkey?" he asked.
Lynn froze. Her head spun to the side to stare at her brother, her wide eyes narrowing. Lincoln gulped.
To his relief, her angry expression turned to a look of realization. "Oh yeah, you were a baby at the time. Duh Lynn!" She smacked herself for apparently forgetting the obvious, smiled, and warmly wrapped an arm around her bewildered brother.
"Lincoln, that is not just any monkey!" She pointed up at the beast. "That's Jumbo the Jungle Chimp!"
Lincoln looked closer. The monkey was around his size, with black fur and eyes. He wore a red jersey with a pair of crossed arm weights on it, shorts, arm bands, and headband. In both of his hands, he clutched a small arm weight.
"From Jumbo's Jungle Gym!" Lynn somehow knew what he was going to ask. "It was only my favorite show in the whole world as a tot! Jumbo taught me everything I know; lifting, pressing, stretching. Oh, he was my first idol."
Before Linc could say anything, his sister suddenly fell to a squat and began to jump and cry like a monkey. "Oh-oh-oh ah-ah-ah!" As if it wasn't awkward enough on its own, her act was starting attract stares from passing guests. "That's Jumboese for "You can do it too!" It was his catchphrase!"
"Cooooool," Linc droned. While he could definitely appreciate some hero worship (between Ace Savy, Spectre Hunter, Rip Hardcore, and David Steele, he was one to talk), this type of behavior was not something he'd have ever expected from one of his older sisters, let alone the typically tough, level-headed Lynn. "So… I take it you want it?"
"YES!" Lynn cried, making Linc (and several onlookers) jump. She rushed over to the booth and slammed down all her tickets. "How much for the monkey, bud?!"
The young, meek-looking attendant behind the booth looked on nervously at the girl. "Uh… you have to land five rings on five bottles. It's five tickets."
"Say no more, I'm a whiz at throwing!" Lynn cracked her knuckles as the attendant placed five small, plastic rings on the stand. Picking one up, she nonchalantly threw it, landing precisely on the bottle with a clink . "Yeah baby, one!"
Clink !
"Two!"
Clink !
"Three!"
Clink !
"Four!"
Lincoln watched, both in awe at his sister's cheerful glee and in bewilderment that a stuffed monkey of all things could mean so much to her.
"Bring it on home, daddy!" Lynn tossed the final ring. It flew towards the bottle… before suddenly dropping and hitting the side. Lynn's smile faded.
"Ooh, sorry kid," the attendant said. "Don't worry, most folks can't make it. Here, you're welcome to any of our Tier 4 prizes."
"NO!" Lynn cried, making both boys jump again. To their surprise, she forced herself to breath and said in a calmer tone, "I mean, no thank you. I'd rather just try again."
"Ooookay," the attendant said with uncertainty as Lynn pushed five more tickets forward.
"Was careless," she muttered to herself. "Aim this time, Lynn." Closing one eye, she aimed carefully and threw. It landed.
"Yes!" Another toss, another land. Three, four.
"Gotcha!" She tossed the fifth… and watched it miss and hit the side again. "DANG IT!"
As both boys winched, she forcibly calmed herself and said, "Maybe I'm using the wrong hand."
Five more tickets. Four more lands.
"Come to Mama, Jumbo." Miss. "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF CRUD!"
Another breath, another reassurance. "Maybe I'm going at it from the wrong angle."
Aiming from a different direction, she landed one, two, three, four… four lands.
"DING DANG IT ALL! Maybe try a lighter throw?"
Once again, the last bottle went ringless.
"DRAT! Maybe with my eyes closed?"
Nope.
"DARN! Maybe if I toss them from the side?"
Nada.
"D***!"
People were staring and Lynn didn't even try calming herself down this time. Instead, she turned to the attendant and shot him an accusatory finger. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE, BUB?!"
"Lynn!" Lincoln piped up, only to recoil as his sister's look of angered frustration. "It's not his fault. Maybe you're just…" he struggled to think of something that wouldn't result in his sister tying him into a human pretzel, "tired?"
To his shock, this actually worked. Lynn's eyes unfurled, her cheeks relaxed, and her teeth parted. Letting out a sigh, she placed her hands on her hips.
"You know, you may actually be right, Stinkcoln," her voice was calm, but still tinted with frustration. Regardless, it was a relief to her panicked brother, whom she starred out in contemplation. "I mean… I did that climbing wall like thirty times. Maybe I'm just a bit pooped."
"Exactly," Lincoln felt a bit more confident, knowing his sister wasn't going to pummel him. "I say, take a rest, go on one of the slow rides, maybe grab a bite-"
"and THEN come back and win Jumbo?" She asked with all the maturity of a child.
"Y-yeah, if you feel like you're up to it," Lincoln agreed, not wanting to push her.
"Good choice," the attendant agreed sheepishly.
"Only," Lynn turned out her pockets and her face fell. "Aw man, I'm out of tickets! And I spent all my money too!" She looked to her brother and cupped her hands together. "Linc, can you… give me the rest of your tickets. You said you wanted to leave, didn't you?" She put on puppy-dog eyes and Lincoln's stomach rumbled again.
"Yeah, I guess I'm not feeling that great," he put a hand to his stomach and reached the other into his pocket. "Here, take them."
"YAY!" She snatched the bundle from his hand and threw her arms around him, tears in her eyes. "YOU THE MAN, LINCOLN!"
Lincoln sighed. Genuine affection from Lynn was rarer than a 2nd place trophy in her trophy case, so he warmly accepted it. "Just try and be back by dark, or else mom and dad will be angry."
"No prob, Bob." She gave her brother a friendly jab on the arm. "I'll be home and I'll have that cutie," she pointed up at Jumbo, "with me." Turning, she bolted deeper into the fairgrounds. "Later dork!"
Lincoln smiled… and then promptly threw up.
