Note: SURPRISE! And happy first update of 2024!

THIS YEAR WE ARE BACK TO WEEKLY CHAPTER PUBLICATIONS! So Close will come to an end on April 27, 2024. I wanted to finish writing in 2023 and had half a chapter left to write at the start of December. Then I wrote multiple short stories and put it off until 11:15pm on December 31st, like my usual procrastinating self. Finished with 15 minutes to spare before the new year.

Thank you to everyone who stuck with me through 2023's biweekly schedule. There were times your kudos and comments, even comments of frustration, made my week. I just like reading reactions of any kind.

It was bittersweet writing parts of the upcoming chapters. I modeled some of the friendship dynamics throughout this story on myself, especially the way Duo first assumes if someone who should love him is mistreating him, they're probably going through something. Meanwhile, the other half of my IRL Duo-Wufei friendship misdirected anger at me and decided to die on that hill. He even admitted to hurting me on purpose. Whenever I reached out, he did it again. I understand people make mistakes, but I have self-respect, too. I'll admit when I deserve backlash. And I didn't deserve that.

There were many years I had no friends growing up, and that's not the case now. But it's been strange being without a ride or die bestie for the first time in 15 years while writing about a group of friends who show up for each other like I believe friends should. Like I always did, flying across the country to hang out /clean his house with him just because he was struggling through a divorce. I regret none of the times I went above and beyond. I don't regret answering every single phone call, taking time to make him gifts, giving up my vacation to see him when he was depressed, and the monetary cost of flights and hotels and rental cars. I'd do it all again, given the option to redo my life. And I wanted to make something clear in my year-end wrap up: If we allow a bad ending to cloud how beautiful something was while we had it, then so much of life would needlessly become a series of bad memories.

AND I JUST REALIZED THIS COULD BE MISINTERPRETED AS SUBTEXT SO NO, I'm not trying to prepare you for a terrible end to this fic! I just had a weird year and thought my experience might be useful to someone else. But if the ending of this story DOES let you down, tell me! It's not like I have editors or a team of people to steer me away from any direction I choose to take. This whole thing's been produced in an echo chamber in my head. I had a vision from the start and always stuck with that. No one has to like my writing. I only did this because it was fun. So much fun that on January 1st I couldn't deal with NOT having a project, pitched myself a second one, and by the end of the day I had all the major plot elements for a GW murder mystery /crime drama in my brain. I'm already 12k words into this thing, though it won't be nearly as long as So Close.

If it pans out, or starts to feel like it's something other than nonsense, I'll be dropping a new "main" fic possibly this summer.

My point is: don't let anyone take away the best times of your life, not even the people who were part of them. Keep those brilliant memories with you and move forward. That's what I always do, at least.

And hello, 2024!


Chapter 84: Quatre

"They're right that he's the info leak, but he didn't betray us. I can't prove it yet, but whatever's going on it's not what it seems. Trowa didn't betray us. He wouldn't. I don't believe it, not even for a second."

The conviction in Duo's voice turned Quatre inside out, and tears welled in his eyes.

He watched as Duo turned his attention back to Heero. The shift in his voice from adamantly insisting Trowa would never betray them, to sweetly affirming he would prove Trowa innocent of all accusations, to tenderly asking what he could do to make things easier for Heero, was just so very him.

Guilt surfaced as it dawned on Quatre that Duo had more faith in Trowa's innocence than he did. He loved Trowa with all his heart, but he learned a long time ago that love didn't fix everything. Love didn't guarantee trust. Maybe it was time he took a page from Duo's book and learned to have some more faith in the people he was closest to. In the past several months he'd lost sight of that when the steadiest parts of his life came into question.

He thought, by the time the war came around, he'd shed his mistrust. But it turned out that everything he built was fragile.

If he could manage to find a middle ground with Duo, he could do anything, and that included opening himself up to the possibility that love might be strong enough to weather unforeseen storms. He was ready to shed the trust issues that followed him from his youth, back when he didn't know why he was alive, or if he was wanted outside of his father finally having a son as a trophy.

He needed to find a way forward.

He needed to find a way to face what came next.

He and Duo had taken a lot of steps towards a shaky friendship since Easter, and he was going to apply the lessons he'd learned.


As unsettling as it was watching Duo shift from speaking softly and sincerely to barking out orders at the others, there was something exciting about being asked to do him a favor. It was an opportunity to be brought fully into the fold and begin the healing process for their group.

"Sure. Anything."

The look Duo shot him, sitting across from him on the kitchen floor, derailed his hopes.

"Don't agree before you know what it is. Because you're really not going to like it."

Nothing about that statement was reassuring. Duo wasn't joking. His eyes held warning and Quatre steeled himself for whatever was next. This still felt like his chance for penance, and he was not going to back down because Duo was asking him something uncomfortable.

"Whatever it is, I think I can manage."

Their eyes locked for a moment, each studying the depth of commitment in the other. For Quatre it felt like a monumental turning point was happening. He was being trusted with something important, and if Duo felt he passed this test they might truly repair their relationship. When he finally spoke his request, so soft it was barely audible, he stunned Quatre into complete silence.

"I need you to pick a fight with me today. I need you to treat me like you did at the potluck. Or like Relena did on the ski trip."

The blank stare he got from Quatre propelled him to elaborate.

"You need to hurt me. Cause me problems. The guys saw us sitting here, they'll suspect we're patching things up. We need to create another scene. And you can't let on to anyone, not even Trowa, that it's on purpose."

Quatre finally found his voice.

"Why would you ask me to do this?"

"Because Chevalier is getting personal information about me from someone, and he's using it to try to convince me to help him kill you."

The tile floor of his kitchen suddenly felt immeasurably colder.

"What?"

"Une knows everything. I've been getting texts for months, and he came to threaten me in person."

"In person? Hasn't he disappeared?"

"He came to find me."

"And this has been going on for months?"

"Yeah."

"And Une knows?"

"Yeah."

It didn't take long for Quatre to connect the dots.

"You're weeding out an information leak."

"We are." Duo corrected. He then handed Quatre something from his pocket. It was a phone. "Use this and only this to contact me about the case. Anything else? Use normal channels. Apologize for your bad behavior through your regular phone and email if the others make you or if it feels narratively right. Everything needs to look on the surface like you're none the wiser and you're repeating your past behavior. But confidential information goes through this channel alone."

Looking at the device in his hands, Quatre felt a void open up within himself. "They'll hate me for this. That potluck nearly broke Trowa and I up, and you want me to do it again?"

The serious look on Duo's face told him his answer. Quatre didn't like it at all. Then, something hit him like a punch to the gut.

"You think one of them is a mole." He didn't need to say Trowa and Heero were included for Duo to understand what he meant.

Across from him, Duo hesitated before answering. "I'm ruling them out as suspects, along with everyone else close to me."

It wasn't denial, but it was kinder than the truth.


They met in a park. Quatre was supposed to be in a late meeting so Trowa wasn't expecting him. Duo had no one to keep his schedule. Not after what happened.

"You said there's an update?"

Duo rubbed his hands over his face vigorously. "Yeah." He dropped them at his sides and into the grass. They were sitting on the ground at the edge of a wooded area in a park on the other end of town. Duo figured the only bugs out there would be actual insects. "Cleared Lena."

Quatre was kind enough to look surprised.

"How'd you manage to clear yur other mortal enemy?"

His words pulled a small smile from Duo, and he was glad. It didn't escape him what happened not even a week ago. Heero updated him.

Heero called him a lot.

Heero was a mess.

With a heavy sigh that held intense frustration and grief, Duo clarified. "I uh, got a text that referenced what went down at Easter. The guys and Sally all know what happened, I confirmed Wufei told her about it. But I asked Heero if he'd talked to Relena... not about Easter, just in general, lately. And he said no."

"And you... trust him?"

Duo seemed to somehow both deflate and tense up at the same time. "Yeah. He wouldn't lie about... that part. And I feel like scum of the Earth for leveraging information out of him in that moment."

It was obvious Duo didn't want to elaborate on his current fight with Heero. Whether he knew how much was told to Quatre during agonizing phone calls was left unsaid. He might not even be aware of how Heero called, torturing himself over a scar he gave Duo years ago. No part of him wanted to be the person to confirm to Duo that his personal business was known by everyone in their circle. Especially not when it was Duo who was the least willing to discuss his personal life and feelings out of all of them. Even Trowa and Wufei had moments of sporadically opening up. Duo was still largely closed off unless someone asked the right questions.

Feeling a need to offer up something as conversation, Quatre asked "This is going to take a long time, isn't it? We're going to keep this up for a while."

Duo looked down to the grass, then nodded. The stretch of silence that followed burned at Quatre's skin until he couldn't allow it to remain.

"Listen, Duo. I know you don't want to talk about it. Certainly not with me. But he loves you, and he'll get over this. You both will."

The air didn't feel particularly uncomfortable, but Duo brought a hand up and quickly swiped his knuckles across his nose, sniffling before leaning backwards with his face to the night sky. He looked different, but Quatre couldn't pinpoint how.

"Yeah, everyone keeps saying that. Heero doesn't seem to be a very subtle guy anymore when it comes to feelings and you all just buy it hook, line, and sinker."

Quatre took a second to let those odd words settle.

"Are you... okay?"

He watched as Duo barked out a desperate laugh all while keeping his eyes on the sky.

"Sure. Why not?"

"You don't seem okay."

"Got a lot on my plate and not one of you is making things easier." The words came out with an edge to them Duo hadn't intended. Quickly he added, much more softly "Thanks, anyway. For askin."

Something about the way Duo made a point to thank him impacted Quatre. He still was not one of Duo's favorite people, but he was trying to meet in the middle somewhere. On Easter, once he knew what favor Duo was asking of him, Quatre felt they hadn't made actual progress. The moment they had in the kitchen was marred by duty and planning. There was always the chance Duo was being kind because he wanted that favor. But here in the park there was nothing to gain from playing nicely. Here their bridges were built out of a willingness to put the past behind them with no ulterior motive.

"Sure thing, Duo. If I can make anything easier, let me know."

The comment earned him an odd look.

"I mean it. I want you to be happy." He smiled wryly. "And if you don't believe that, then you should at least believe it matters because people I love care about you."

He felt Duo lightly punch him in the shoulder, and heard him chuckle to himself.


"Yo, what's happening? Something wrong?"

Quatre was pacing in a remote area of his garden, where no one would think to look for him. So far he hadn't used his second phone to ask to meet and instead only used it to reply to Duo. But after what happened he couldn't not ask. He felt foolish, using that phone and asking to rendezvous while they were under the same roof, but after how things escalated, after he was unable to really corner the braided man with certainty they were alone, his burning need to talk to Duo in private finally eclipsed his fear of overstepping boundaries.

He turned at the familiar voice greeting him, not quite a whisper but low enough not to carry. Even here, in the far reaches of his garden, Duo was worried about someone hearing them.

Quatre knew better. He didn't guard his volume nearly as much.

"Yes! Obviously something is wrong! I'm worried about you! When I saw that bruising while helping you change... how could you hide that you were shot in the chest from us! I know we have to fight when other people are around, and I played my part, but you were shot!" He ran a hand though his hair and gestured wildly. "I'm so angry you kept that from us! Don't you see? No one went after Relena. They went after you. Aren't you worried? How are you holding together like you are? Are you really okay? Because I can't imagine being okay in your position."

The resignation in Duo's eyes, and the soft smile playing on the corners of his lips baffled him.

"I'm not okay. But I'm getting there."

"Duo, no one came after me. My team and I walked out of that summit easily. They went after you."

"Yeah, I know."

"They didn't even give chase!"

"Yeah."

"And that's just... fine with you?"

Duo shrugged with his good shoulder. The other was held in a sling, freshly confirmed by Quatre's physicians to be without permanent damage.

"Goddamnit, Duo! Why don't you care more about yourself?"

After a pained laugh, Duo explained his position. "I care, Quat. But I'm not always the most important person in my own life."

"You should be!"

He could see the surprise on Duo's face. His words came out more angry than he intended, but he couldn't help himself. In his opinion, Duo needed to get his shit together and care more about what was happening to him. Though he was aware that his anger was rippling off him in waves, he didn't attempt to reel it in or hide how he felt. He didn't want to. He wanted Duo to know exactly how upset he was and not just when they snapped at one another for show.

Duo walked past him and examined a peculiar statue. Quatre turned around to watch him.

"Maybe I'm too much like this thing."

He gestured to the statue, one Wufei gifted him years ago.

"Given the subject, and where it is, I bet you hate it. But it's here. You didn't throw it out, you didn't destroy it. You gave it a place. So I'm guessing this thing is tied to someone you care about. But just like this ridiculous joke isn't actually important in the scheme of your garden, I'm not really important in the bigger picture of the world."

"You're important. And you're an asshole if you say otherwise."

Duo shot him a strange look.

"I won't stand by and let you devalue yourself just because you've been hanging out with Wufei and have taken on his sometimes-cryptic speech patterns. If you're not making a plan right now for whomever went after you, then we need to start. I'll help."

"I think it was a warning shot."

Quatre stilled.

"Warning?"

"Yeah. Chevalier gave me until the day of the summit to let him know if I was going along with his plan. Une wanted me to wait as long as possible to reply. And honestly? I ignored his text so I could respond later in the evening, after the summit ended. You know? To give it my full attention. Within minutes of that text the alarm went off in the building."

They stared at one another, the silence hanging heavy.

"Fuck."

Duo chuckled.

"Yeah, exactly."

"You think he knew you were wearing a vest?"

"I mean... it stands to reason. It's protocol for bodyguards."

"Fuck!"

Duo just smiled a little. Maybe it was because of the cursing.

"You report this to Une?"

"Of course I did."

Not knowing what else to say, Quatre turned to the statue.

"Wufei gave that to me." He saw Duo try to hide a grin, but it wasn't working out the way he wanted. It looked an awful lot like he was trying to suppress laughter.

"I think it's..." Duo did laugh, as he spat out the word "dignified."

Quatre shook his head. "You're right that I kept it because I care about the person who gave it to me. I try to make room for the things and people my friends love. So when I reluctantly agreed with Trowa that you could stay for however long you need while you recover, know I was only reluctant for show. You really are welcome here. I mean it, stay however long you like. We'll take care of you."

From the corner of his eye he saw Duo purse his lips and take a moment to let his words sink in.

"Thanks, Quat."


Quatre was shocked to get a text asking him to meet for lunch in the middle of the day. Duo picked a remote park and claimed he'd bring sandwiches, but it was the middle of the day. Meeting in a park, outside of the city or not, was a strange request for mid-day. Naturally he agreed and canceled his afternoon plans. If Duo Maxwell was asking him to lunch he wasn't going to squander the invite, especially after the call he got from Heero on his way to work.

He heard someone approaching and was ready to joke about congratulations being in order when he saw the look on Duo's face and stopped himself. He looked... happy. Much happier than Quatre had ever seen him.

"Duo?"

"It's not Heero!"

"What?"

"It's not Heero! I ruled him out. Thank fucking god I ruled him out."

Duo dropped onto the ground beside Quatre, swinging a bag with lunch inside towards the blonde, who caught it with two hands. The food was instantly forgotten.

"Wait, you ruled him out as a suspect?"

"Yes!"

"How did you—?"

"It was Trowa."

Quatre's heart nearly stopped.

"What?"

Something shifted on Duo's face as he realized what his words implied and rushed to amend them, his hands coming up in a gesture of surrender. "Oh fuck! No! I'm not saying Trowa's the leak! I'm saying it was Trowa who helped me eliminate Heero."

Letting out a breath he didn't realize he was holding, Quatre deflated and laid back in the grass, the bag with their lunch tossed to the side. He was getting used to meeting in public parks with Duo, but he'd never get used to the way Duo phrased things so carelessly. He could feel eyes on him, and after a few seconds of silence, his shoulder got nudged.

"I'm sorry for my shitty wording."

He nodded in response.

"It's just... I'm relieved. It's the first break I've had in weeks and I owe it to Trowa. When I was drugged up I thought I managed to ask him to not let you guys tell Heero anything that happened, but I couldn't really recall. Everything was hazy. But Tro actually did it! Heero had no idea I dislocated my shoulder. Was fit to tie about it."

"How does that clear him?"

"Chevalier knew. Mentioned it in a text."

"Fuck."

Duo smiled, and by now Quatre knew it was definitely because of his cursing.

"Yeah, fuck."

They remained in place, Quatre laying with his arms spread out and Duo sitting with his knees up and his arms resting on them. The sun was bright, and the sky clear. Quatre smelled fresh cut grass from somewhere, and breathed in deeply. In spite of the news that Chevalier knew even more personal information about Duo, there was something to be said about the peaceful nature of their meeting. And something more to be said about the timing.

"Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"That's not the only reason you wanted to get together, is it?"

Something different hit the air between them, and Quatre sat upright, curious for Duo's answer. He found him smiling widely, his eyes brighter than he'd seen in the past. Duo ducked his head a little, then turned to meet Quatre's gaze.

"No, it's not. But I guess I can't hide it from anyone, even you."

It wasn't meant to be an insult, and Quatre didn't take it as one.

"So?

That smile got more intense.

"It's Heero. Quat, I just had the best weekend of my goddamn life!" Laughter began to bubble up from him and he talked through it, determined to tell someone how he felt. "He loves me! Like he really loves me! How did this even happen? What the hell went down while I was gone for him to turn into this sweet and confident guy?" His eyes got wide. "He plays this instrument called the koto! And it's beautiful!"

Duo was vibrating with contagious excitement. Quatre couldn't help grinning back at him. His heart felt light. Heero placed a short call to him in the morning to gush over how happy he was but he hadn't expected for Duo to trust him enough to do the same. After talking Heero through what seemed like unrequited feelings so many months ago, he was overcome with happiness to find Duo just as excited and in love. Heero deserved that. They both did.

"And when the hell did he learn to talk so well? He was so expressive, Quat! He talked. He listened. He was so goddamn present. Our silent, sullen Pilot 01 is like, actually in touch with his feelings!"

"He's been able to do that for a while now."

Fully turning to face Quatre, Duo looked like he'd just been handed the missing piece to a Gundam rebuild. "Tell me!"

"What?"

"Tell me! I need to know it was real and I'm not imagining things. Tell me about him opening up and make this change feel less like a dream and more real."

There was hope in violet eyes, deep and wide as the galaxy. If Quatre thought for a second that Duo would be sad to find Heero changed while he was missing, that thought was banished. Duo was reveling in who Heero became, and for Quatre that was terribly satisfying. For a moment he recalled telling Heero to give up on Duo, and felt a pang of guilt. If he'd any idea at the time how much Duo loved his friend he'd never have suggested giving up.

"I can only speak to my own experience, but Heero's been... he's been working on that for a long time now. He was..." Quatre paused for a second and decided to go for it and be fully honest. "Crushed for the first year you were gone. Honestly we kind of thought it was because you left before he could tell you how he felt. We all sort of figured he had feelings for you, and he played the part of heartbroken, unrequited love well. He was in pieces, and very angry. For months he reverted back to his wartime self. It was hard to get him to do anything socially."

The light in Duo's eyes changed into something heavier, but he didn't interrupt.

"About half a year after you disappeared he started to call me for things. You must remember that he and I weren't particularly close before," Duo nodded "so it came as a pleasant surprise. He'd gruffly ask me something, or for advice, and hang up. But slowly he began to have real conversations with me. He got serious about therapy, and told me about it. He knew he needed it, but put off finding a therapist while he shut down. For Heero it took several more months to find a therapist who clicked with him, but once he did the changes came about quickly. You know how he throws himself into things, and he treated therapy like a self-improvement mission. It was an interesting time to watch him come into his own. I think..." He knew the next part would be unpleasant but it was an important fact, and he looked away as he spoke. "I think the empath abilities that divided you and me were what brought Heero and I closer as friends. He couldn't really hide how he felt, and I picked up on that and kept him talking when he otherwise wanted to stop."

For a moment he was afraid Duo would be upset. He kept his gaze down until he felt a nudge against his foot and looked up to see grateful eyes staring back at him.

"That's great, Quatre. Thank you for that! I'm real glad Heero's got you lookin out for him."

"You mean that?"

His tone made it clear he'd not intended to ask the question, but his face said he needed to know the answer.

"Yeah. I really do. Even though I hate myself for not bein there for those changes, for not being able to help him learn expression, I'm glad he got there. For a real long time I wanted to be the one who got him to open up and relax a little. But it's okay that he didn't need me. I'm just... So happy for him."

Quatre let out a breath, relieved, and looked to his friend. "Well I'm so happy you love him properly. It's been in the works a long time. Back before you disappeared I think we all kind of felt something was going to happen, so when you were gone it pulled the rug out from under us. We thought for sure, especially after Heero got drunk on my birthday, that you two would finally admit feelings for each other. If we'd only known..." He didn't finish that line of thought. Looking back, it was wild to him how long his friends hid their relationship from everyone. "Heero needs to be seen, heard, and loved. You both do."

He watched as Duo's face shifted into something a little pained, but there was an underlying mix of wildly different emotions to accompany it.

"I was so afraid to really let myself feel, yanno?" He looked away to the sky. "What if he was the information leak? How could I really open up my heart to him while he was still a suspect?" Duo sighed heavily and lifted a hand up to his chest. "I was kinda the worst, though. He was being so open, we were being so open, and still I calculated how to get information from him." Duo's hand clenched into a fist above his heart. "I faked pain in my shoulder to see his reaction. I mean it hurt a little when his hand gripped me, but I made this split-second decision and pretended it was worse than it really was. Like an asshole I pretended he physically hurt me, knowing how much he's always hated the idea of him causing me pain, and how much he desperately regrets the few times he's hit me while playing roles during missions, or when we were young in the wars. All this, right after he poured his heart out. Right when we were about to have sex. Right when things were taking a big step forward and I should've been reveling in happiness, I faked injury just to weed him out as a suspect. I'm definitely scum, Quat."

Duo stretched his arms out above his head and yelled "But it was such a fucking relief!" before easing back into his relaxed position. "Fuck, just being able to feel without doubts was so damn good. I hadn't realized how long I'd waited for that pressure to be gone. Honestly I hadn't even realized until right then how much that doubt held me back and made me keep a distance between us."

The American smiled up at the sky. It was the first time in forever that Quatre thought Duo looked at peace.

"Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"How did we end up here?"

Violet eyes shot him a curious look.

"What'd ya mean?"

"I mean you and me. You called me because you're happy." When Duo still looked like he wasn't understanding, Quatre elaborated. "Don't you know that I went back and forth for months over whether it was the right call to tell everyone I found you? Don't you realize the reason I was excited to tell the others I found you was because I'd simply forgotten over time how uncomfortable I was having you around for long periods, and that I've wanted more than once for you to just disappear again?"

Duo nodded, looking relaxed in a way that was incomprehensible given the subject at hand.

"Then why call me and not Wufei? He's your actual friend. What are you getting out of this?"

Towards the end of his small rant, Quatre knew he sounded like a desperate man. But he couldn't hide his feelings. Each time they met and Duo behaved like things were normal between them, he'd leave wondering what transpired to put them in such a position. They hadn't really made up. They hardly spoke one on one outside of these meetings. He just didn't understand.

Duo frowned, then rolled his eyes and shifted his lips into a smile. It irritated Quatre.

"Of course I know I'm a problem. I'm always a problem for everyone. An' I don't think we'll ever be real close, like me and Wufei. But you're a powerful ally to have. Not for your money or name, but because you'd do anything for your friends." He tilted his head a notch and gave Quatre a sideways glance. "You'll even bring back someone you can't stand into your life, all because your friends want that dumb bastard around."

His words didn't sit well, and Quatre boiled over.

"What kind of dim witted, backwards thinking is that, Duo?"

The braided man just shrugged.

"Fine. How's this, Quat? I fuck everything up. I ruin all my relationships. I ruin people's lives. Who says I'm not accepting you back into my fold just to bring you misfortune?"

"You hate me that much?"

"I don't—" Duo took in a breath to calm himself. "I don't hate you Quatre. I'm mad at you. But I don't hate you."

"Why the hell not, when I've silently wished for you to be alone again, without friends or support? I've thought some horrible things about you when Trowa and I fell into hard times, and when Heero was so heartbroken! I blamed you and I wished terrible things!"

Duo burst out in a manic laughter that gave Quatre pause. "Holy shit, man. This is so fucking familiar."

"What?"

"You know, when we were kids I thought you'd start sayin your own lack of effort was the reason there's no air out in space."

"What are you even talking about?"

"I'm sayin without someone to tell ya otherwise, you blame yourself for everything!" He grinned. "At least when you're not blamin me."

"I didn't—"

"Wufei told me that we're allowed to think things we don't act out. Told me to get my head out of my ass. Said it was some depressive episode, echo chamber of one bullshit I was spewing when I hated myself for my thoughts." He smiled widely and it held an air of self-deprecation. "There's no thought police, Quatre. No one gets arrested for thinking."

"But—"

"Listen!" There was fury in Duo's voice. "I don't fucking hate you, okay? You're an annoying son of a bitch and you drugged me and nearly got me killed, which is why I'm angry with you. Like I'm really angry with you a lot of the time. You insult me on the regular even without it being for show and what makes me so pissed about that is I know, like I fucking know you don't do it intentionally. But still, you never seem to respect me. You're frustrating and difficult and I'm angry with you. Sometimes I can't quantify my anger. But I don't hate you. I'm a grown ass man, Quatre. I know the difference between anger and hatred!"

Duo grabbed a fist full of grass and threw it at his friend.

"You're not just your worst parts any more than I am mine. You and I have a unique problem that I think we're starting to work past, but I can't hate you, I could never hate you when you're good to my friends. You're kind, even if you have a problem figuring out how to be kind to me. Don't you realize you just admitted your worst thoughts about me happened only because you're protective of two men we both care about? Heero relies on your friendship. You are so good to him, Quatre. There's not many people he'd call when he's heartbroken but he trusts and calls you. And Trowa loves you, and—"

He suddenly looked tired.

"Tro's got so little in this world, Quat. It's been 13 years since Meteor and all he's got is his job, Heero, Wufei, Cathy, and you. If he wants you, and you keep making him happy, I'm not jeopardizing that for anything. I'm gonna champion you two all the way up until the day you can't make him happy anymore. And until all this shit between you and me? You made him really goddamn happy. And it's so fucking obvious he loves you, just like it's obvious the shit you did to hurt him wasn't remotely intentional. His feelings were collateral. Even I, with all that anger, know if you'd put your words about me into the context of Trowa you'd never have said them. You love him, and you aren't cruel. I've seen you with the Zero System," Quatre flinched "and even after that, I know you don't have a mean bone in your body until you're defending the people you love."

It was clear he meant every word, and it sparked something in Quatre. He felt, for a moment, like he really understood Duo's emotions.

"What about when he wanted to break up with me?"

"Hm?"

"I didn't make him happy then. I made him incredibly unhappy. But you told him to try again to make things work."

Duo stared at him, his eyes softening some.

"Everyone fights sometimes. But it was obvious to me that you and Trowa never really had a fight before. He didn't know what to do, or how to feel, and that's why he left. I wasn't gonna let him throw away the best thing he's got because he was confused for the first time."

Quatre let those words settle into him. He'd known that Duo was looking out for Trowa's best interests but it hadn't been confirmed from the source until now. Something about that gave him an unexpected sense of harmony with Duo.

"You really think I'm the best thing he's got?"

Duo laughed. "Yeah, Quatre. I knew he was into you years ago, before you got together. I saw how you affect him. How you bring out the best in this quiet, awkward guy we both care about. And being gone for the first few years of your relationship means I can easily see how he's changed for the better. Heero and Wufei were here for all those changes. They saw it in real time and I don't think it's so obvious to them. Tro's… not just happy. He's grounded. He's found peace. That's a byproduct of bein with you. And yeah, sometimes I'm just certain he can do better than you. But I'm not an idiot. That's just me wantin him to be with someone I get along with better. And we're workin on that, yeah? I think we're makin progress, you an' me."

He smiled a crooked, sincere smile.

"The only thing that actually matters is if you're better together than apart. And I'd be hard pressed to say there's anyone out there in the world who fits better with Trowa than you. I'm sorry for all the times I've misdirected my anger at you towards your relationship with him, but I swear I never once misdirected it in front of Trowa. I've said some negative things about you to Heero, and probably Wufei, and that was shitty of me. I got angry remembering how upset Tro was when he stayed at my place, but I conveniently forgot everything else as I let my protective instincts kick in. I was much more clear headed with Trowa. No way I'd jeopardize what you've got, or fill his head with my own opinion about what he should do, or worse... a bunch of misinformed lies born from anger."

Quatre was floored.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. When Tro stayed with me he was a wreck. But it wasn't because you were an asshole to him, it's just that you bein an asshole to me rocked his world. He saw a side of you he didn't know was there, and it was a little frustrating and endearing, honestly. That idiot put you on a pedestal, you know?" Duo smiled wickedly. "Kinda like Lena did with Heero back in the day."

Quatre couldn't help himself, he laughed and when he tried to stop it came out like a snort. Duo's eyes lit up in response.

"Tro couldn't deal with you not bein this perfect image he made up in his head. We had a lotta talks about that. How no one's perfect, and if you think they are, you're foolin yourself. I assured him that seein an uglier side of you just meant he was getting the whole picture, and it didn't mean you were someone unrecognizable. Asked him if he thought of himself, or anyone else as perfect. Asked if he could love you knowin ya have flaws. Because if he did still love you, and I knew he did, then you were worth tryin to work things out."

The air between them was relaxed, and Quatre wondered for the hundredth time just how they found themselves behaving like, well, friends. It was nice. Increasingly he saw what his friends saw in Duo. He'd been accused of doing anything for his friends, because he brought Duo back into their fold even when he didn't like him much. But Duo was just the same, supporting his relationship with Trowa even though he didn't like him, either. They had a lot more in common than he initially thought.

"You know," he spoke softly, finally reaching for the discarded bag Duo tossed at him earlier, "you forgot yourself."

"What?"

"When you said Trowa has very little in this world. He's got you. And he's damn lucky he's got you. Anyone would be lucky to have you on their side in this life." He paused. "Me included."

Though he looked genuinely surprised, Duo's mischievous grin assured Quatre. That, more than anything, made him feel like they would one day get along just fine.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. And... you said you hated yourself for not being there for Heero while he grew into the man he is now... but... you shouldn't. Don't hate yourself, for that or for anything. You were there every step of the way. He changed for himself, but he changed because he loves you. There wasn't a single part of his journey when you weren't on his mind."

When Duo blushed and looked away, Quatre felt good. Their tentative connection was important to him, but he wasn't quite ready to explain why just yet. Or he didn't think he was, until he sneaked a glace to Duo and felt something in him gain strength.

"You said you're a problem for everyone. That's not true. Please stop saying that, so maybe one day you'll stop thinking it, too. Even for me, you aren't a problem. You're... A challenge, yes. But I've had this cheat code" he held a hand over his heart, knowing Duo would recognize his own words from months ago at the cabin, "and I never really faced anyone challenging before. You aren't a problem any more than basic life lessons are problems. You told me I couldn't stand to have to read people like everyone else, and you were right. But I'm learning. And I'm glad for the lesson. I'm glad to learn that my empathy can exist without any special ability, because after the cabin I spent a lot of time thinking. And I wondered if maybe without that ability I was as empty as the test tube I came from."

"Shit, Quat, I never meant—"

"Shut up, Duo." He didn't speak those words with malice, and Duo complied. "You were right about me. I relied so heavily on my cheat code that I never really learned to play the game. Your friendship, and that's what it is, friendship, forces me grow into someone better. I'm finding things in myself that I never bothered to see. I'm looking back and..."

"It's okay, Quat."

"It's not!"

Duo's nonchalance was pissing him off, but when he turned to him he realized Duo's eyes held empathy. He wasn't brushing anything off, he was just empathizing. His own little cheat code, Quatre supposed. He calmed himself and fiddled with the bag in his hands before he spoke again.

"Listen, I know you're not holding a grudge against me. But let me own up to my misdeeds. You were right that I used you in the war to dump my sorrow onto because there'd be no emotional backlash for me to feel. That was... terrible. Absolutely terrible, and selfish, and not the type of person I want to be. It's not even the person I remember being, but I still did those things! And somehow you were still kind, and I know you were just at a loss and didn't know what else to do, but thank you for taking care of me. Thank you so much for staying kind when I was ignoring how things impacted you. Especially when we thought Heero was dead. I didn't see or feel your pain, and I'm so sorry."

With a little puff of air through his bangs Duo stated "It's cool. That was ages ago."

"Still..." Quatre noted how his friend appeared to be feeling a little off kilter, and he reveled in it. That meant he was receiving the message, despite how hard Duo tried to appear unaffected. His mask was slipping in a good way. "Afterwards I just tried to avoid you when I could. That was wrong of me, too. It became easy to play this role with you and never really stop and think about your feelings. I spend so much time viscerally aware of how others feel, and I just dove into never being aware of you. I should've taken the opportunity to get close to you but instead I pushed you away. Talking with Trowa when he came back home from your place opened my eyes to the things I said about you, things I said to you, and how dismissive I've been. That's why I contacted you so many times after HQ. I felt... like a monster. And I wanted to do better by you and let you know how concerned I was for your well-being. I wanted so badly to extend friendship in the way I should have for all those years." He shot Duo a weak glare. "And you ignored all my texts."

He saw how Duo failed to hide his amusement under a glare that had zero effect on him after years with Heero.

"Yeah, well... I ignored Une, too."

Quatre rolled his eyes. "It's a wonder you still have a job."

The way Duo's posture straightened and his face lit up as he declared "I know, right?" made everything feel better.

"Just... know that for all the times I wished you away... I don't anymore. I'm gad you called me today. It's... nice to be someone you call when you're happy. I look forward to more days like this." He paused. "Maybe not exactly this, with the heavier discussion. But more days when you're in such a good mood you'll share it over lunch, even with me. More days when you're honestly relaxed with me, like now."

"I'm always relaxed."

"No, you're not." Duo turned to him, and Quatre realized he really was clueless. "When you're relaxed you speak more casually. Otherwise you're a bit more formal, like when you're trying to get a serious point across. But today you're dropping off ends of words, using some slang, and not minding your grammar. You're comfortable with me. It's nice."

They sat there in the grass quietly for a moment.

"Yanno, in some other timeline, I bet you and I woulda been great friends, Quat."

Quatre smiled. Kowing Duo was thinking along the same lines as him felt somehow reassuring.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Stars align a little different and I can see you an' me bonding as teenagers over our crushes, givin each other emotional backup, the kinda shit friends do outside of missions, and generally just... really getting one another."

Quatre reached into the bag with their lunch. He felt around for a bag of chips and tossed the first one he found in Duo's direction, take the second one for himself.

"And in this timeline?"

Duo looked at the bag and frowned.

"Well it's not looking good if these chips were intentional" A crooked smile crossed Duo's face. "Really, just... fuckin gross, man! I wanted the jalapeño!"

Quatre couldn't help grinning back, even through his confusion.

"You think I wanted…" he turned his head to get a better look at the bag Duo was holding and made a disgusted sound. "Sweet relish flavored chips?"

"No, but they only had two flavors left."

"What the kind of store has only two flavors left, mid day? What kind of company makes sweet relish into a chip? If I'd known what it was, I'd have assumed you picked up this monstrosity because you wanted it! If you didn't, why not just get two bags of jalapeño?"

"I dunno. Variety?"

Quatre chuckled and opened his bag, then held it out.

"How about you toss yours and we share?"

Duo smiled and nodded enthusiastically. They spent the next half hour eating their sandwiches and sharing stories along with their one good bag of chips.


Quatre knew it was inappropriate, but when Heero, laid up in his hospital bed, told Duo the members of their friend group were more than willing to take them outside and shoot them, he couldn't help laughing. And when Heero asked a blushing Duo if he'd met their friends, the laughter it elicited from Duo was wonderful. He felt for the first time in hours that things weren't as bad as they seemed.

Seeing his two friends being so sweet with each other was giving Quatre's heart a reason to beat again, and he almost wanted to hit Wufei for following through with their objective and suggesting they all take leave. He wanted to stay longer. Heero and Duo gave him hope that he could be the same way with Trowa, soon.

Once the shock of Trowa's arrest wore off, once he realized he was letting fear dictate his emotions, he saw in Duo what he needed to find in himself to get through whatever came next.

Hope.