Chapter 13: Let The Wedding Commence, I Guess?
[Early Morning, East Miracle City. A man enters his car, straps himself in and tries to start his vehicle]
Man: I am really going to be late for that meeting!
[Suddenly, the sound of glass breaking alerts the man and notices someone entering a porsche and hot wiring it]
Man: Excuse me, but that's my neighbor's car!
[The appearance of a Beretta M9 changes his mind]
Man: On second thought, I'm going to pretend I never saw anything! Okay!
[The man is shot 4 times in the chest and falls down. The shooter reveals himself to be Dealin' Dan Hawke II]
Hawke: Sorry, bub! You're a witness and I'm the type of fella who "ties loose ends"! If you survive, feel free to visit one of my dealerships! Other than that, I bid you farewell!
[Hawke leaves the scene in the stolen porsche before the man gets his phone and dials]
Man: (clutching his chest) Hello. Hartman Accounting Firm. I'm going to be in the hospital or a casket. Feel free to send me my pink slip in the mail soon. (beep) I am glad my neighbors are safe, though.
[The man dies as the sun rises with his neighbors mistaking his death for sleeping inside.]
[Intro]
[Morning. Royal Nickelbottoms Tower. Jeff Bennett District. Inside, the wedding venue is being set up as both Carmelita and Esmeralda are checking to make sure everything goes according to plan]
Carmelita: (nitpicking) No! No! No! NO! NO! NO! These flowers are terrible! I ask for red roses and you give me carnations! This a wedding for VIP's not slumlords! Are we going to have problems here or are we going to set this wedding right!
Esmeralda: No, my niece! You, the flower girl, need to throw the flowers in both directions. Even if the groom's guests never arrive, it's tradition for some reason.
Jennise: Oh, thank you for that, aunt Esmy.
Esmeralda: Of course! Now we need to talk about the ring bearer. My nephew, Rodrigo, might be too energetic for that position. We'll have Manchego take over the role.
Jennise: I don't know. My big brother was really ready for this, Esmy. Are you sure we should leave it to our chauffeur?
Esmeralda: I just want things to go smoothly. Unlike your aunt Carmela over there.
[Esmeralda points to Carmelita throwing a fit at the catering crew]
Carmelita: This champagne is 10 degrees Celsius. 10 DEGREES CELSIUS!
[She throws the bottle to the floor in a fit of rage]
Carmelita: I DEMAND YOU IDIOTS TO CHILL THIS CHAMPAGNE TO NO MORE THAN -10 DEGREES CELSIUS! AND THESE TABLES BETTER BE ACCURATE!
[Carmelita counts the items set on each table while Candi arrives to judge the food]
Candi: Hi. I'm Candi and I'm here to check if the food here is adequate for our guests. Let's see here.
[Candi opens a lid to find boiling hot gazpacho. She takes a spoon and sips it]
Candi: Needs a pinch of salt! I know a certain police chief who's going to arrest someone for abysmal gazpacho!
[She opens another lid to find steaming paella. She takes another spoon and eats it]
Candi: Way too much tomato! And the saffron tastes funky! Not going to bother eating those shrimp. They look undercooked!
[She opens another lid to find al-pastor meat. Candi immediately goes livid]
Candi: WHO THE FUCK PUT THIS HERE!
Caterer: I did. We are in Mexico after all.
Candi: How many times must I tell you people? I HATE TACOS! I HATE THOSE FILTHY, LITTLE SANDWICHES! I WANT TO DESTROY EVERY TACO STAND I SEE! I ONLY WANT REAL SPANISH FOOD AND ONLY REAL SPANISH FOOD! TAKE THIS TRASH AND THROW IT IN A HOMELESS SHELTER!
[Meanwhile, outside the tower, several armed guards stand near the entrance as they permit attendees of the wedding.]
Guard: You got a pass?
[Guest shows the guard his pass]
Guard: Okay. Next! You got a pass?
[Guest shows the guard his pass]
Guard: Okay. Next! You got a pass?
[Guest shows the guard her pass]
Guard: Okay. Next! You got a pass?
[Guest shows the guard her pass]
Guard: Okay. Next! You got a pass?
[Behind the guards, the backdoor to the tower has a guard who permits the event employees (cooks, guards, waiters, etc). Django, using a fake mustache, and some Vampiros try to infiltrate by posing as new hires.]
Guard: Hey! Who are you people?
Django: We're the wait staff assigned for this wedding. We just arrive for work real early.
Guard: Funny, according to this schedule here, everyone has already arrived.
Django: We're the backup. In case things go south, we got your back.
Guard: Uh-huh? I'll just call management to see if you guys are legit.
Rabbi Vampiro: Now listen here, bub! We are going inside this wedding and cater our services to the people inside! I am not waiting for some unnecessary red tape just so we get our foot in the door!
Guard: Now you listen here, pal!
Rabbi Vampiro: No! You listen! What I have inside this catering cart is challah bread! Freshly baked challah bread to make this shlock of a wedding seem majestic by ordinary standards! Ordinary if you're circumcised.
Guard: Wait. Can I . . .
Rabbi Vampiro: You don't believe me, huh! Fine then. I'll prove it to ya! (takes a chocolate challah, breaks a piece and stuffs his mouth) Here! Let me stuff ya face with it! My challah is the envy of every bakery this side of town has ever heard! If you are too selfish to permit us then we might as well attend the wedding next door! I heard they want my delicious food.
Guard: Wait. Can I . . .
Sikh Vampiro: Or maybe this spoonful of curry with rice.
[Shoves the spoon onto his mouth and the guard's face turns red from the spicyness]
Sikh Vampiro: Perhaps some lassi to quench that mouth of yours.
Guard: Wait. (coughs) I . . .
Mexican Vampiro: Perhaps these tamales will change your mind!
Guard: WAIT A MINUTE! CAN I PLEASE SPEAK!
Django: Go.
Guard: I'll let you in the building but you need to show me this food first!
[The Vampiros pull the veil and reveal an assortment of foods from challah bread, to tonkotsu ramen, phaal curry and mole poblano tamales. The guard lets them in, stuffed and sleepy]
Django: Hmm. To think feeding him was enough to go inside. Too bad. I really wanted to fight if things went south.
Mexican Vampiro: We can't risk an all out brawl right now.
Ramen Vampiro: If this wedding commences, we need to focus on rescuing the victim first.
Sikh Vampiro: In the meantime, we need to replenish the foods that guard voraciously gulped!
Rabbi Vampiro: Don't worry. I have enough challah where that came from. Besides, isn't phaal from Bangladesh?
Sikh Vampiro: Curry is curry. Borders are stupid!
Django: True dat!
Ramen Vampiro: Says the boy who partook in my Sake Ramen challenge!
Django: I still won! The snake wine was cheating! You can ask Sushi Vampiro if you want the truth.
[Still morning. Meanwhile, a Porsche skeers the driveway and stops near the tower. Out comes Dan Hawke with a tuxedo and a present.]
Guard: Um, can I help you, sir?
Hawke: Yeah! Dealin' Dan Hawke II. I'm the V.I.P guest for the wedding! Here's my pass if you're snippy about it!
[Hawke pulls out a lanyard tied to his neck to reveal the invitation in it]
Guard: I see. "Welcome to the 'Suarez/Sinestro' wedding ceremony. This invite belongs to the V.I.P. guest and must be treated with utmost care." Okay, you can enter!
Hawke: Thanks, bub!
[Hawke enters the building and walks a narrow corridor to find the concierge waiting for the VIPs]
Concierge: Hello, sir. Are you one of our VIPs?
Hawke: Yes! Dealin' Dan Hawke II, dealership extraordinaire! Owner of 9 dealerships in Xocolitzo! I'm here for the wedding!
Concierge: It's on our top floor, the 50th.
Hawke: Any reason why here instead of that banquet hall from the previous invite?
Concierge: Ask the Suarez family, sir. We're just the front desk.
Hawke: I see. (walks to the elevator while grumbling) No good dingbats! I like to tie their coattails to the wringer for speaking to me like that!
[Pressing a 50th floor button, he waits patiently until he reaches the wedding reception. There, he meets the Suarez family as they continue preparing the ceremony]
Carmelita: (flustered) You're here early?
Hawke: Early? I arrived on time. Also why the change?
Carmelita: The wedding doesn't start until 3 p.m! Also, the groom disliked the previous location.
Hawke: It's Mexico! Time here is as wonky as Japan. The only major difference is that I made it with a tie this time!
Carmelita: (confused) What?
Hawke: It makes sense in context. Now where's the police chief? I have to discuss our police car deal. I just acquired a new shipment of "hybrid" vehicles, if you know what I mean?
Esmeralda: Frankly, no. And as for my brother-in-law, he's busy with police work. Also, what "hybrid vehicles"? Isn't global warming a myth?
Hawke: Of course it is! Only buffoons with PHDs think global warming is real! Besides, these "hybrid vehicles" only look clean but still run on gasoline!
Carmelita: So, they're regular cars?
Hawke: Yeah! They just look "clean" to get those EPA morons out of the way! After all, ever since they built their new office here, I've been getting numerous court orders over my vehicles being the source of air pollution in the city. Hopefully this will detract those twits from the real problem; volcanic eruptions.
Esmeralda: Ahh! I'll make the case that volcanoes are the reason for the city's smog alerts and they'll have to leave us alone.
?: Exactly! We don't need those bean counting, red taping, educated bastards from interfering with this city's expanding profits for the next quarter.
Hawke: (ecstatic) Ha-ha-ha. If it isn't my favorite customer! How are you doing, Mr. Koch?
Koch: That's Mr. Ulysses R. Koch IV, to you, Dealing Dan Hawke!
Hawke: That's Dealin' Dan Hawke. The only G's I want to see are the ones in my pocket. Like the commission I receive whenever a customer buys a "discounted" vehicle.
Koch: (smokes his cigar) Precisely! We need no EPA, Greenpeace or any of that environmental garbage! Nature is a vile and useless part of our society! I should know, I went to the woods as a kid to "have fun" and wound up losing a boot in a swamp. So I returned with a bulldozer, tore up the swamp, chopped down those wretched trees, killed the filthy vermin living there, and opened a parking lot in its place. After all, why find your way out in a forest when a parking lot is easier to walk through?
Hawke: I couldn't have said it better myself!
Esmeralda: (disgusted) Ugh, men! At least with him around, we'll keep whatever outside force stands in our way.
[Inside the building, the team encounter the catering crew]
Caterer: Hey, who are you!?
Django: Catering?
Waiter: We're already staffed here! Which union do you belong to?
Django: Union 888.
Waiter: Never heard of it.
Django: We're a private union.
Waiter: I find that hard to believe.
Django: We don't operate with other unions due to our exclusivity.
Caterer: How do I join?
Django: You do the thing.
Caterer: The thing?
Django: The thing.
Caterer: The thing?
Waiter: Which thing?
Django: You know. The one with the crotch.
[The staff looks at Django with bewilderment]
Waiter: And you survived?
Django: Survived? That's a funny way of saying it. Now, will you excuse me? I need to deliver these liquor bottles to the guests. Bye!
Caterer: Wait! Who are these guys!?
Django: Private staff! Also, never address them as guys! That's offensive!
Ramen Vampiro: Yes! Show some manners, you disrespectful, underpaid worker!
Caterer: Underpaid! We're working for $20 per hour!
Django: Mine's $100 per hour.
[The staff gasp at the revelation]
Waiter: That's it. I'm joining their union!
[Meanwhile, in another room, Frida is being dressed for the wedding]
Candi: Hold still, tonto! You are so fidgeting lately!
Frida: Get this dress off me! I'm not marrying that filthy pedophile!
Candi: (infuriated) Pedophile! That's such a strong word coming out of that decent mouth of yours!
Frida: Where's Manny! I want to leave this farce of a family!
Alanna: Hey, niece!
[Alanna slaps Frida in the face, grabs her bra strap, and proceeds to threaten her]
Alanna: You listen here right now! You were kidnapped and raped by that miscreant, saved by your father's right hand man, Astra, and sent here, unharmed, for your blessed day! And nobody here wants to listen to some far-fetched, drug-induced tall tale you spoke to Astra before! Now, shut your mouth, put on your dress, go out there, smile and shut the FUCK up!
Frida: Manny was right. You people only care about image more than God themself!
[Alanna slaps Frida again before D'Angelo puts duct tape on her mouth]
D'Angelo: There! That'll keep her from speaking nonsense for a few hours.
[Suddenly, the doors slam open as Sergio walks into the room, alerting the Suarez family]
D'Angelo: Hey! You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding! It's bad luck!
Sergio: Shut up! Where's my soon-to-be wife!
D'Angelo: My in-laws are taking her away to preserve tradition. As for you, your dressing room is a few doors that way!
[D'Angelo points to the exit before Sergio grabs his finger and presses it down, breaking it]
D'Angelo: OW!
Sergio: I am trying to be patient with you idiots and you order me to leave! Maybe my wares aren't worthy for you people?
D'Angelo: (in pain) No, no, no, no, no, no! I was kidding. I'm kidding. Your bride-to-be is inside this room.
[D'Angelo opens the door and reveals Alanna and Candi holding Frida as she keeps resisting. Sergio, upset, rips the duct tape, places a bridal veil on Frida's head and pushes a button]
Sergio: Now you listen to me, sweetums! You are going to get married. Right!?
Frida: AS IF, YOU MOTHER . . . (goes from outraged to obedient) Of course, my love.
Sergio: You will admit to everyone that you were kidnapped by a terrorist. Right!?
Frida: Yes, my love.
Sergio: Any you will agree to me ripping out your vagina to prevent our eyes from leaving. Right!?
Frida: Yes, my love.
D'Angelo: What did you do to her?
Esmeralda: He made her obedient, my husband. Like a niece ought to be.
Sergio: Now, let the wedding commence!
[The entire venue is filled with guests as they sit in their chairs waiting for the bride and groom to walk down the aisle. Suddenly, the choir plays "Wedding March" as Sergio enters the aisle in a tuxedo, the in-laws then enter while holding Frida down a straight line, while Alanna's children gloat and brag about their ring bearer and flower girl roles. The Vampiros and Django then enter the venue while still posing as staff.]
Django: Damn. That wacko is still alive. And no band-aids, too. Guess the blood inside him regenerates whenever he gets shot.
Jewish Vampiro: More importantly, the victim is going along with the wedding without cursing the bastard! I mean, he is a pedophilic, misogynistic murderer! At least kick him in the nuts!
Sikh Vampiro: Shh! The people might hear us. We need to grab them and bring them back to the compound. The powers inside them might go rabid if left unchecked.
Ramen Vampiro: We might need more liquor than we imagined.
[Suddenly, Hawke interrupts the conversation]
Hawke: Excuse me! I like a glass of whiskey on the rocks! I'm a VIP!
Django: Sure.
[Django scoops some ice, pours some whiskey, and gives it to Hawke]
Hawke: Thanks!
Django: What, no tip?
Hawke: Yeah. Here's one; win the lotto!
Django: Cheapskate!
Hawke: What was that!?
Django: He said it! (points to a waiter)
[Suddenly, the front door opens and in comes Municipal President Rodriguez holding a law book as he walks down the aisle to finalize the marriage. Django looks at him in disgust before the little tyrant stands on the podium to commence]
Rodriguez: Dearly beloved, we are here to congratulate the union of these two lovers as they enter their lives in holy matrimony.
Jewish Vampiro: More like "sacrilege shitshow".
Rodriguez: We begin by discussing how Sergio came to our little town and built the majority of our infrastructure without taking a break. We went from an obscure tourist trap into a tourist destination that rivals Dubai itself.
Django: I went to Dubai once and the local police chased me everywhere in the city before I jumped out of the Burj Khalifa.
Jewish Vampiro: And this all started because you and Manny wanted a vacation.
Django: It's not my fault that they assumed I was the gay one.
Rodriguez: Do you, Sergio, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife. For health, richness, and whatever else is in this stupid book that I'm reading.
Sergio: Yes, I do!
Rodriguez: And do you, Frida, take this wonderful man to be your husband. For all the same reasons I stated before.
[Frida doesn't reply until her mother responds]
Carmelita: She says yes!
Rodriguez: Okay, who am I to judge? Now kiss already!
[Sergio grabs Frida and proceeds to kiss her on the lips. Before his slimy, wet mouth touches Frida's, the front doors slam open and Manny Rivera with an army of Vampiros enter the venue and he shoots Sergio in the forehead. Sergio collapses while pointing his gun at the veil and destroying it clean. He then aims the gun towards Rodriguez and shoots him in the chest. The guests are astonished at the sudden appearance before Manny breaks the silence]
Manny: You motherfuckers forgot to say "Does anybody have any reason why these two shouldn't be wed, let them speak now before holding their peace"! It's tradition!
Priest Vampiro: The mere fact you skip over that is unforgivable!
[Manny walks down the aisle and picks up Frida, now free, as she wakes up and sees Manny carrying her, bridal style]
Manny: (comforting) Are you alright?
[Frida doesn't reply until Manny takes off the veil and crushes it]
Manny: (comforting) Can you speak?
Frida: I can now. Where's Sergio?
Manny: He's dead!
[Frida looks around and sees Sergio lying dead in a pool of blood. Rather than reacting in horror, she smiles in relief.]
Frida: Thank you.
Manny: Don't thank me yet. We need to leave this dump before anything else goes wrong. Besides, your powers are still growing as we speak.
[Manny turns around and notices several guns aimed at him by the wedding guests. Before anyone can pull their triggers, the Vampiros aim their rifles at the would-be shooters.]
Hawke: Guess you still haven't learned your lesson! Time to end you once and for all!
[Hawke pulls his gun and aims at Manny until Django pulls his magnum at the sleazebag and presses it onto his skull]
Django: The last time this happened, you witnessed that we're impossible to kill. What makes you think this'll work!?
Hawke: Better try than do nothing!
[He shoots his gun and the bullet flies towards Manny's forehead until he catches it with his teeth.]
Hawke: (embarrassed) I think some errors have been made.
Manny: (muffled) No shit, sherlock!
[Manny lets go of the bullet and spits it out as it ricochets several corners until it hits Esmeralda's left eye.]
Esmeralda: (in pain) Augh! My left eye!
Manny: That's for giving me a bad review and treating her like some degenerate, you bitch!
Candi: This is for my sister!
[Candi's fist almost hits Manny until Shadow Manny grabs her arm, twists it, lifts her and slams her on the banquet table. The guests react in horror as the dark figure points his finger at Alanna signaling "you're next".]
Rodrigo: (scared) Mommy.
Alanna: Run, son.
[Rodrigo and Jennise run away before Jennise bumps into Django]
Jennise: My family's not afraid of you! We beat your grandma and we won!
Django: I was robbed of my slumber by a witch who lied to everyone while your family made deals with a vile nazi! By the way, you want to see a dead body?
Jennise: No.
Django: Too bad!
[Django snaps his fingers and the Vampiros on Manny's side exit the room and come back with piles of corpses filling the empty seats. The horrified guests are disgusted with the corpses until Manny speaks in a booming voice]
Manny: THIS IS ALL OF YOUR FAULT! THESE WERE PEOPLE! INNOCENTS WHO LIVED! SOME LIVED BROKEN LIVES WHILE OTHERS WERE MINDING THEIR BUSINESS! YOUR GENIUS, SERGIO SINESTRO, IS A VIOLATOR OF ETHICS, HUMANITY, AND TRUST! HE PROVIDED EVERYONE OF YOU A BREAD AND CIRCUS PARTY IF YOU GAVE HIM PERMISSION TO KIDNAP, KILL, AND EXPERIMENT INNOCENTS.
[Shadow Manny dissipates and brings back Quintina with a camera crew signaling them to record the events happening instead of a basic marriage. Quintina, defiant, picks up her mic, aims it towards Manny and reports]
Manny: (still livid) THOUSANDS OF PROSTITUTES IN MEXICO WERE STOLEN FROM THEIR FAMILIES AND PAINFULLY TRANSFORMED INTO FRIDA SUAREZ LOOKALIKES TO SATISFY HIS LECHEROUS FANTASIES! PEOPLE WERE FORCED TO WEAR HELMETS TO CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIORS! THE POLICE CHIEF AND UNITED STATES ARMY WERE IN CAHOOTS WITH HIM AND DID NOTHING TO STOP THIS! IF THEY WERE YOUR DAUGHTERS, WOULD YOU JUST SIT HERE, DRINK CHAMPAGNE AND PARTICIPATE IN THIS SHAM WEDDING!? I DON'T THINK SO! PEOPLE OUTSIDE RICHTOWN ARE STARVING AND PARCHED WHILE YOU SIT HERE LIKE ALL RELAXED AND SHIT! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DECENCY OR ARE YOU THAT UNDERDEVELOPED! ALL OF YOU ARE AT FAULT ESPECIALLY THIS BITCH! (points to Carmelita) SHE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ABUSING HER DAUGHTER, DENIGRATING HER LIKE SOME DELINQUENT, AND ALL THE WHILE MAKING HER UNDERAGED DAUGHTER MARRY A 35 YEAR OLD MAN!
[The crowd gasp at the revelation]
Guest: He's 35?
Guest: She's underaged!
Guest: Those corpses were prostitutes?
Quintina: There you have it, folks! Our top tier savior of E.M.C is nothing more than a shallow, vile, repulsive molester who performed experiments to his unpleasant fetishes. To this reporter, Sergio, you make me sick!
Carmelita: Yeah, so! She needs to be married!
Manny: That's pedophilia! You're a judge! You should be ashamed of yourself for thinking this is appropriate!
Quintina: And that's a fact!
Carmelita: We have a reputation to keep up! I can't ask every suitor of hers what age they are.
[Manny, disgusted, grabs a chair and puts Frida in one, clenches his fist and tries to strike the matriarch's face until a guest intervenes, gets struck in the gut, falls down, and reveals to everyone that it was Anita, disguised as a wedding guest in case things went south, with an orb floating in the room. Suddenly, Carmelita's expression goes from stoic to terrified.]
Carmelita: Give me that! Give me that thing!
[Manny grabs the orb and sniffs it knowing it's another one of Frida's fractured soul fragments. He prevents Carmelita from grabbing the orb by holding her down only to let go of her and then tripping her to the floor. He then walks towards Frida.]
Quintina: (rationalizing) What is that thing?
Jim-Bob Vampiro: Something you aren't supposed to see.
Hawke: It's you. Those gremlins fellows.
Jim-Bob Vampiro: We're Vampiros. We are not gremlins but a species from a long time ago.
Manny: Hey.
Frida: Hi.
Manny: Got you something.
Frida: Is it a wedding ring?
Manny: (smirks) No. Something that doesn't make this conversation awkward.
Frida: What?
[Manny gives Frida her soul fragment and she gulps it immediately. Suddenly, a beam of light flashes forward to a past event. Somewhere in a dirty lab, surrounded by mutilated corpses and used bandages, the eyewitness spots a scientist tinkering with materials until the individual wiggles itself, shaking some chains. The scientist walks towards the eyewitness and mutters something]
Scientist: Are you finally awake? If so, then why didn't you break these chains by yourself silently?
[The individual closes their eyes until we flash forward to see the subject in a closed room standing up from their chair and listening to the same scientist talking with someone behind a locked door.]
?: What's taking so long!? I want results immediately!
Scientist: The subject is still in transition. Right now, we've made up to sitting down. Soon, we'll make eating with a fork possible. Even so, try to maintain some patience.
?: You keep telling me to be patient, but that'll only buy a meager amount of days! I expect results by the time I return!
[The individual closes their eyes until we flash forward to see the subject in a white room surrounded by people in hazmat suits. The scientist puts their hands onto the subject's shoulder and speaks to their ear]
Scientist: What's your name?
Subject: A. A. A. A. An. An. An. An.
Hazmat 1: Subject is still incapable of speaking. We must restart the procedure!
[Suddenly, the one person who spoke gets dragged by others and is never seen again.]
Scientist: I need you to speak actual words! Now, say your name!
Subject: A. A. A. A.
[Suddenly, the scientist slaps the subject hard]
Scientist: WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS FOR 2 WEEKS! SAY YOUR NAME!
Subject: Anne!?
[The scientist slaps them again]
Scientist: NO!
Subject: An?
[They slap again]
Scientist: NO!
Subject: Ani!
[Fed up, the scientist punches the subject in the face.]
Scientist: 2 WEEKS! 2 FUCKING WEEKS WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS SHITSHOW! YOU KNOW YOUR NAME! SAY IT!
Subject: Anita!
Scientist: Ok? But, Anita who?
Anita: Anita. Anita. Anita!
[Infuriated, the scientist delivers a punch to the face which flashes forward to the same room but with the scientist coming in with another individual.]
Scientist: You see, after some time with our subject, you will see my brilliance within your child.
?: And you're sure this one will be obedient? I want my children to be obedient, forever and ever!
Scientist: Of course! If our projects continue and nothing will bar our progress, I shall provide you with obedient ones like our subject here.
?: Can I speak to it?
Scientist: Yes. I'm sure it will listen to whatever you say.
[The individual walks towards the subject and commands an order to them]
?: Stand up!
[The subject stands]
?: Good! Now, walk in a straight line!
[The subject walks before the individual changes their command]
?: No wait! Instead of walking, hop on one leg in a straight line!
[The subject complies and does the order]
?: Do 100 pushups with only your thumb!
[The subject proceeds with the order and once they finish the individual speaks another command]
?: Now, tell me your name!
Anita: My name is Anita. Anita Suarez! And I'm the eldest daughter of the Suarez family!
?: Brilliant! Now, what's your purpose in the family!?
Anita: I will enforce the law and regulate the safety of our city from those who dare impede our way of justice! From petty criminals to high profile terrorists, nobody is above the law and nobody should ever take the law into their own hands for any other purpose!
?: Brilliant! Now, who am I!?
Anita: You are my mother! Carmelita Suarez, Supreme judge of Miracle City. Married to Evaristo Suarez, Chief of Police of Miracle City under the brilliance of Municipal President Rodriguez and those in power! I, also, am the first lieutenant of my father's force!
Carmelita: Enough! Now look at the mirror and tell me what you see!
["Anita" looks at the mirror and sees Frida wearing her clothes. She then proceeds to mutter one word]
Anita: Brillant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant! BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT! BRILLIANT!
[We then zoom back towards the ruined wedding where Frida tries to make sense of what she just witnessed. Suddenly, a staggering Anita tries to confront Frida until Manny punches her chest and plops out another orb with Anita collapsing to the floor. Sniffing the orb, Manny gives it to Frida and she gulps it while the guests interrupt the silence]
Guest: Is she dead?
Manny: What do you mean, dead?
Guest: You killed her. So she's dead, right?
Manny: She's not dead! Her existence was a fabrication brought by dark magic and unethical experiments! If anything, this body is a corn cob brought to life.
Guest: You compare us to corn!?
Manny: If that's your interpretation, then yes!
Guest: I'm a human!
Manny: (thinking) Idiots!
[Carmelita, frantically, tries to reclaim the orb out of Frida by strangling her. Shadow Frida grabs a piece of it and heads to Anita's corpse. Carmelita continues strangling until Manny tries to slice her back but slices Frida's arm instead.]
Carmelita: Idiota! You can't fathom the hard work me and my associates have made! The sacrifices we undertook to make our dream come true!
Manny: What dream? All I see is some bitch taking her child's soul and making false children to enact some power fantasy!
Frida: Manny, my arm!
Manny: (thinking) Shit! I need to heal that wound!
[Shadow Frida shoves the orb fragment back into the corpse. Outraged, Carmelita aims towards Frida and slams them on the floor while stomping her stilettos onto Frida's flesh wound.]
Carmelita: (angry) This. Is. All. Your. Fault. You. Just. Had. To. Interrupt. My. Entire. Wedding! Ceremony! We! Had! No! Use! For! A! Weak! Defenseless! Cowardly! Ugly! Worthless! Sniveling! Piece! OF! SHIT! LIKE! YOU!
[Manny shoves Carmelita aside and slashes her in the chest numerous times until she drops dead on the floor]
[Frida, terrified of their mother's wrath, tries to crawl towards the door only for her aunts, uncle, and cousins to end Frida's life. Upset, Manny defends her.]
Esmeralda: That's right! You are very ugly!
[Manny punches Esmeralda in the face]
Manny: SHUT UP!
Alanna: Such a shame you have to have the proud name of Suarez!
[Manny kicks her in the face]
D'Angelo: I would display some sympathy towards you but you killed Anita and that's terrible.
[Manny grabs him and throws him off the building]
Manny: Judas!
Jennise: Die, Frida!
Rodrigo: Why are you so unkillable!
Shadow Frida: Because you kick like pansies!
[The people gasp in shock as Shadow Frida appears and scares them with a giant maw. Only Manny, Django, the Vampiros, Frida, Quintina and her crew, and Hawke remain. She then returns to Frida and scoops up some of their blood to pour it at the corpse.]
Quintina: What are you doing!?
Shadow Frida: Something mystical.
Manny: WAIT! You don't know the outcome of what you're doing!
[Django aims his guns towards the shadow]
Django: Drop the blood and move away from the body. What you're thinking will be the biggest moronic move ever!
Shadow Frida: Says the skeleton pointing his magnum towards a shadow.
Manny: Move away from the corpse. They need to be properly trained before we can enact such propositions!
Shadow Frida: We don't have time, this corpse may revive her and make any attempts to remove said orb impossible and she already gave me her consent.
Manny: How do you know it'll be impossible to remove stolen souls!?
Shadow Frida: The Tiger's blood you injected inside her has synchronized with the soul fragments you gave back. That and our powers are evolving at a rapid pace.
Django: That still leaves our question unanswered.
Quintina: I'm confused. What is happening?
Shadow Frida: Ugh! It's like this. When you remove part of a soul or the entire orb, the person itself stops responding. However, if you were to reinsert that soul back into that person, then . . .
Manny: Then the person's spiritual energy will do everything in its power to prevent more fragment losses or, in my case, that one time in Iceland, never again, have its soul plopped out.
Shadow Frida: Exactly! Except in this case, if you reinsert a soul back into the corpse that was never theirs to begin with, then be lucky that you'll receive one fragment out of a hundred. Or a thousand.
Django: Crap! But still, you're doing a reckless action. The mixture is still immature and who knows what might appear if you shove it down.
Shadow Frida: Yeah. Only one way to find out.
[Shadow Frida shoves the blood into Anita's corpse and Django fires two bullets towards her only for her to dissipate as the bullets hit the wall.]
Shadow Frida: Okay, one, I am trying to save you people. Two, that was very rude of you. And Three, again, shadow. Totally immune to bullets.
Django: It worked on Manny's.
Manny: Yeah, but that was a drunken dare and my bud was carrying a rocket warhead for some reason.
Frida, the news crew, and Hawke: (in unison) How many of these stories do you two have?
Manny: When you live like us, you lose count after the 50th absinthe shot.
Hawke: Absinthe? Even the one with the underwear and applesauce?
Manny: Depends? Pasta dinner or taking medication?
Boom operator: Does it involve a rainbow elephant?
[Everyone looks at him with confusion]
Boom operator: Yeah! Um, I had a different life before becoming a boom operator.
[The corpse, meanwhile, starts wiggling until light starts appearing out of Anita's eyes and mouth. The trio, Quintina, several Vampiros, and Dan Hawke watch as the corpse starts convulsing, the skin begins to show cracks, the corpse flails erratically, and more light starts appearing out of the cracks of the corpse. Eventually, the corpse subsides before ballooning into a giant bomb until it expunges air out and starts disintegrating. Before anyone can move, the corpse's chest jumps and rips open a finger. Said finger comes back with a hand and tears open the chest for the being to come out. To the shock of the trio, Quintina and Hawke, the result is a Frida clone. Said clone looks like her, from her face to the hair and the skin. Before anything can happen, the clone speaks]
?: Hey!
[The crowd gasps]
Manny: Yo!
?: You got a minute?
Manny: Yeah! What's up?
?: I seem to be nude. You got any clothing?
Manny: Yeah, let me check.
[Manny rips the wedding presents and opens some stylish clothing. A white blouse, a black and gray short skirt, a literal gold belt, some navy blue stilettos with diamonds, gold, silver, and platinum bracelets and geode earrings.]
Manny: Here. That should be it, right?
?: I don't know? Something doesn't feel right. Like something's missing.
Manny: Like what?
?: A mirror.
[Manny gives her a mirror. She takes it and looks at the items she's wearing]
?: Ugh. These clothes are so bougie! Too much flashy stuff!
Quintina: Gloria Santa!
?: What did you say?
Quintina: Oh, nothing!
?: You said Gloria. Is that my name?
[Manny shrugs]
?: You know, apart from these clothes, I think that's what's missing. From now on, my name is Gloria!
Hawke: Gloria who?
Gloria: What's your name?
Manny: Manny Rivera.
Gloria: Then my name is Gloria Rivera!
Manny: Woah! Hold on. I never approved of you taking my last name.
Hawke: Then that makes you brother and sister, right?
Gloria: NO! That makes me this guy's wife!
Manny: Excuse me?
Gloria: This is a wedding, right?
Manny: Yes.
Gloria: And you happen to be the first guy I ran into, right?
Manny: Yeah, sort of.
Gloria: And you gave me gifts on our first meeting?
Manny: Because you were naked.
Gloria: Also, you're wearing a ring.
[Manny spots a wedding ring on his finger]
Manny: Huh? How did that happen?
[Gloria shrugs]
Manny: Alright, by the laws of marriage, we are married.
[Manny kisses Gloria on the lips with Rabbi Vampiro and Priest Vampiro giving them the ceremonial arrangements in the short time they have while the other Vampiros run towards Frida to patch up their wounds.]
Quintina: Did anyone get footage of this?
Camera operator: The camera stopped rolling after that fight and that talk about absinthe. But we got footage about Mr. Rivera's R.Y.S.S.
Quintina: R.Y.S.S?
Boom operator: Reason you suck speech.
[Suddenly, a random guest interrupts things]
Guest: Hey! Where are the corpses?
[The two bodies that Manny shot point blank along with the ones occupying the seats disappeared while numerous policemen burst open the door and point their assault rifles towards the group]
MCPD: STOP! THIS IS POLICE! SURRENDER THE GIRL OR GET SHOT!
Manny: So, Strategic Bail #14?
Django: Clean or Dirty?
Rasta Vampiro: Super!
Manny: You sure?
Ramen Vampiro: At this point, anything involving boiling water shall suffice.
Gloria: Boiling water?
Django: That was a one time thing.
Frida: Are we ever going to leave!?
Manny: Of course we are. Now let me carry you, bridal style. Gloria!
Gloria: Yes, hubby?
Manny: Get on my back. Flashbang!
[A Vampiro throws a flash grenade towards the police and the blinding light stuns the armed men, tv crew, guests and Hawke while the group leaves the venue.]
Hawke: Ahh! My eyes! Argh! I need to find the exit!
[Hawke fires his gun and it hits a random guest]
Hawke: That was a slip of my finger! Sorry!
[Somewhere in the East District, Manny is flying while carrying both girls with him.]
Frida: That enormous sprawl happens to be the west side of town, Miracle City?
Manny: Yup.
Gloria: Strange? I keep having fuzzy memories about that place. Some of which involve kicking people in the face?
Manny: Yeah, we might have to discuss that at some time. We need to fly back towards the base before things get screwy.
[Before Manny can cross the border, several mortar explosions erupt in the afternoon sky.]
Manny: Shit! What now!
M.G. Luke: THIS IS THE UNITED STATES ARMY! SURRENDER THE GIRL OR DIE!
Manny: What else is new?
[Suddenly, several Sinestro Bots barricade the border between East and Middle Miracle City. One of them hurls its hand towards the trio before turning black.]
End of Chapter 13
