Disclaimer: The original characters and plot are the property of E.L. James. I'm just having a lil' fun. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter 1 | Do You Understand?

GREY

I can't remember life before Ana, those days have faded to black. I was alone and lonely, angry and miserable, misguided and confused for a long time. I shake my head. I thought my "closest friend" had my best interest at heart. What a fucking joke. After all the pain and sorrow, Elena still won't leave me the fuck alone. Now, I've seen love. Simple, pure with no need for embellishment. I only ever want my Ana.

I sigh, staring out of the floor to ceiling window in my GEH office, remembering the best decision I ever made. My heartfelt plea. I poured my soul into the second proposal. It wasn't just a matter of a romantic gesture. I gave her my reasons, told her how I felt, told her my intentions and ask her to share what I have, "Anastasia Rose Steele, I love you. I want to love, cherish and protect you for the rest of my life. Be mine, always. Share my life with me. Marry me." I meant every. Fucking. Word.

She said she'd never leave me again. She told me to never let her go. Now, she's feeling overwhelmed and smothered. She wants time to herself, away from me, so she can think things through. I don't understand what there is to think about, unless she feels she made a mistake by saying yes. We told our friends and families. Hell! I even got Ray's permission. So what's there to think about? She knows I just want to protect her and make her happy. To see her fabulous smile, hear her sweet, innocent giggle and have her beside me, safe and sound, but she said she had to go...for now. What have I done wrong? I don't understand.

Ahem, allow me to explain. You're over the top. You expect too much of the mere human population. When you finally concede you've made a mistake, you over compensate.

Pause. I've heard this all before and I knew it long before I met her. I also realize she's young and we haven't known each other very long. So, unless you have an original point of view, keep your fucking comments to yourself.

I kept to my word. Ana asked me not to influence her thoughts and feelings in anyway, so I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I contact her at least once a week whether it's by email, text message or a phone call. I still need my Ana. But I've forgone any of the sexy banter we exchanged throughout the day or grand gestures she could misconstrue as my conspiring to win her affections. I know she could give a fuck less about my money and I'd be disappointed if she changed.

My thoughts drift back to our last conversation…

…"Hi Beautiful." I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I loved knowing she's on the other end of the line.

"Hello Christian. How are you?" Instantly, my smile slipped with her tone of voice. Dry and crisp, like I was bothering her.

"I'm good. I could be better", which was the truth. Life with her beside me would be fucking fantastic.

"Christian, please don't do this."

"Don't do what baby? I'm just calling because I miss you and I wanted to hear your voice." I wasn't gonna hide my feelings. If she didn't want me anymore, I might have approached the situation differently, but she hadn't said we should end things so, I wasn't giving up.

"I guess." Okaaayyy! "I know Christian, I apologize. I just…" She stopped abruptly. I wondered if I had caught her at a bad time?

"You just what baby?" I said with caution.

"I just need time to think." I sighed, same ole, same ole.

"I understand. I miss you and please don't forget how much I love you." She broke into my declaration.

"I'll never forget how much you love me Christian. I feel the same way about you." Well, that was good to hear. I was beginning to wonder.

Next on the list, although I already knew the answer, "Ana, you remember the gala is this Friday evening, right? Grace is looking forward to our being there. How would you like to do this." I didn't want to cross some imaginary line she may have. "Should I pick you up after work? You can get ready at Escala then we can leave together or would you rather we meet at the venue?" I said a silent prayer over and over…'Please say we can leave together…please say we can leave together.' I've managed to keep my family and the press at bay. We haven't been seen together since after her birthday and I haven't felt like answering any questions. I just wrote checks to the organizations of the few functions we missed. They didn't care if I showed my face or not, as long as my check cleared the bank.

"Oh no, Christian! I totally forgot. You're being recognized as well. right? I apologize." For some reason, although I wasn't entirely surprised, I was disappointed it slipped her mind. I thought she might miss me and want to use the time to be together. Clearly I was mistaken.

"Yeah, I am, but don't fret. Taylor and I can pick you up at the publishing house after work. You have gowns at the apartment, any of them can be delivered to you or you can set up an appointment with Carolyn Acton." I wanted to give her as many options as possible. Hell, she could have whatever her heart desired.

"I think it's best for me not to go." What!? Why!? I felt an icy, cold vice closing around my heart. Was this the end? Had she decided to break off our engagement? Was she leaving me for good?

"Ana, why don't you want to go?" I sounded confused and heartbroken even to my own ears.

"Well, the paparazzi will be in full force and we both know what that means." It sounded like a lame-ass excuse to avoid me. Just wanted her to put me out of my fucking misery already. I was getting annoyed with the bullshit.

I tried a different tactic. "It means the same annoying photoflashes and off-the-wall questions baby, that's all. You know I don't have a problem handling the press. Just stick with me Kid." I tried to lighten the mood of the call, but somehow, it was a little too late. She'd already decided not to go.

"No Christian, it means questions about our engagement. It means questions about when we'll get married, a Prenuptial Agreement and speculations about the novelty wearing off after the wedding." Yep, she'd already decided and yep, she was using a lame-ass excuse.

"Ana, do you think that little of me? Do you think press questions or innuendo are going to affect how I feel about you, about us? Do you think I give a fuck what people say?!" Again, she stole my moment.

"I know you don't give a fuck Christian, but I do give a fuck. I always seem to be the topic of discussion. Why can't you understand this isn't about you? Why can't you consider my feelings in all of this? Why can't you be sensitive to how this all affects me?"

I was flabbergasted. What the fuck was she talking about? I bust my fucking ass trying to show her I love and I always stressed the ridiculous opinion of the rest of the fucking world doesn't matter. I told her if my wealth bothered her so much I could arrange to be bankrupt in thirty days. What the fuck did that offer get me? A fucking jaw drop and deer-in-headlights expression. It took all I had not to laugh at her though. I guess, she's was right, I didn't understand. I didn't see how this affected her, but I did after our conversation.

I let out a long sigh and asked the million-dollar question…again, "Ana is there anything I can do to prove my feelings and devotion to you and our relationship?" I willed her to tell me what I could do. I'd jump off this fucking building if that's what she said she wanted. I needed her to talk to me. Just give me a chance to fix this mess.

"NO! How many times do I have to tell you? I. Love. You. Christian Trevelyn-Grey. I want nothing more than to spend my life growing old with you. I want to be your best friend. I want to be the mother of your children. This is about my insecurities with having to fit into your world. I need time to get my thoughts straight. I need to figure out where Christian Grey ends and Anastasia Steele begins."

My frustration was building. I had to end this shit. Time for her to make her decision and for me to take a stand. I wanted to clear the slate, be certain we both understood her position once and for all. So, I shifted into CEO mode and began my questioning. "Anastasia, exactly what do you mean by need time to get your thoughts and feeling straight? Have your feelings for me changed? Are you calling off our engagement?"

"No, my feelings for you have not changed. I am a simple girl Christian. You knew that when you met me. I've always been very self-sufficient. I don't want your money or to be praised because of my relationship with you. You of all people should understand. I want to bring something to the table other than my student loans."

I can stop my gift giving, big or small, if that was what she wanted, but I felt like there was more than just my money causing the issue. I am so fucking sick of this speech. I love Ana and would gladly lay down my life for her. I deliberately didn't touched her fucking student loans so she could be Miss Independent. What the fuck did 'bringing something to the table' have to do with loving or sharing her life with me? I have more money than Croesus

"I can't be in your shadow Christian. The world won't take me seriously when it turns out I have what I have because I'm engaged or married to "the Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Incorporated."

I was biting my fucking tongue so she had the opportunity to get all of that shit out of her system. It was definitely a first for her, because usually I only got that type of conversation by email, so I relished her verbal dialogue. "Anastasia, I want to be certain I understand what you're saying to me. Is that alright?"

"Yes Christian." she hissed.

My inner voice had to give me strength.

Deep breath Grey. That is right. Now let it out slowly, slowly. Don't let her hear you.

Anastasia, what I hear you saying is that your feelings for me haven't changed. Correct?"

"Yes Christian." she hissed again.

Easy Grey.

I ignored him that time.

"You've always been a self-sufficient woman and you don't want my money. Correct?"

Not a news flash

"Yes Christian." I could feel her fucking eyes rolling?

One day they're gonna get stuck too.

I kept my comments to myself.

"You also don't want to be praised because of your association with me, you want to be an equal partner in our relationship and not live in my shadow. Correct?"

She sighed, more heavily than I liked. "Yes Christian." I begged God to get me through the conversation.

"Finally, you want "the world" to take you seriously because you're Anastasia Steele not because of our relationship. Correct?" She wasn't listening to herself.

"Pre-fucking-cisely Christian." She almost snarled.

I sighed to myself, more hurt than anything. All I could do was shake my head. Did she realize what she just admitted? Yes, she should have a name, a face and a voice all her own. Yes, she should be recognized based on her own merits and not feel as though she was only being regarded because of who I am. How-the-fuck-ever, she didn't realize, no one under God, could run the fucking world?

At that time, I chastised myself…This is why I don't give a fuck about what other people think. Everyone, all of my life assumed I was some arrogant-fuck. After I dropped out of Harvard to start GEH I became some stupid, arrogant-fuck. Now, since GEH is more than some fucking wet-dream, a force to be reckoned with, I'm the elitist, arrogant-fuck who got lucky after dropping out of Harvard.

I shook my head, threw up may hands up said 'uncle'. She won. I had to give her the time and space she needed to figure this out on her own. I'm going to miss her. I prayed our relationship could survive. "Are you sure you caught that last point Anastasia?" Then I heard crickets on the line. I believe she realized she was putting her life, our lives, on hold. For a looonnng . Tiiimmme. "Anastasia, are you still there?" I knew she was. I could hear her breathing.

"Yes." She said timidly.

Yep, she knew she fucked up.

"Do you understand the last statement I clarified?" I wasn't trying to be pissy and I wasn't trying to intimidate her. She's a bright woman. She knew what she admitted.

"Yes." Her voice was smaller than before. I sighed, a little louder this time.

"Then, for the record, would you please go over it once more for me? I really want to be sure we're on the same page?" I was gonna bleed this one dry. It wasn't about women ogling me, it wasn't about Elena and the BDSM bullshit, it wasn't about my money or a prenup. It was about how she looked and how comfortable she felt in the world.

"I said I want the world to take me seriously because of who I am and not my association with you."

B-I-N-G-fucking-O!

"The world huh? Not the man you want to grow old with, not even the family who loves you? The world's view of Anastasia Rose Steele is what's important?" I felt like someone punched me in the ribs. I couldn't compete with the world and I refused to try. I could, however, assure her the world was what you make it. If the world acceptance was what she wanted, then the world was what she could have. I just have to learn to live without her.

"Yes." I believe she understood too. I had to make a huge exception to not point out that the world doesn't count for a fucking thing. She matters to me and I thought I mattered to her. Our families and her friends think she walks on water. I'm absolutely worthless without her, but she was worried about how she looked to the world. Well. excuse the fuck out of me. It was nice to know her priorities.

"Alright Ana, I won't pressure you or interfere with your introspective time anymore. You know I love you, I know you love me, that'll have to be our light at the end of this tunnel and hold us through whatever life has to dish out."

"You know how the press will behave when they see me without you, right? Our relationship will become suspect and the tabloids will have the time of their lives." I wasn't trying to use this against her. I wanted to get all of this shit out in the open. I didn't want her wondering what was going on and why the world had us under a microscope all of a sudden. I'll be considered Seattle's most eligible bachelor, again, and women will be even worse than they were before.

"Why are you telling me this Christian? Is this some kind of a warning?" She had the vague sound of indigence in her voice.

"Quite the contrary my baby. I want to prepare you for what the world takes seriously. I don't want this to affect your time away from me. I don't want you to question my love or fidelity to you no matter what the situation is between us. My heart is always in your hands baby. I love you," with that, I ended our call…

Taylor thinks he knows what's wrong. He's been quiet and stayed out of my way all day. I am sure he thinks I'm gonna go ballistic any second now. Granted, I'm not happy and I'd like nothing better than to stay in my office tonight, but duty calls.

All I can think of on the ride home, is be careful what you wish for. I love Ana and I am going to miss her horribly. The world can be a dark, cold and cruel place. If she's looking for worldwide acclaim, she's gonna be waiting a lifetime.

"I'll miss you baby." I whisper to myself on the way back to Escala.

FOOTNOTES

[1] Miss Independent, by Ne-Yo, Year of the Gentleman, 2008

[2] Croesus, Ancient Greek king of Lydia renowned for his wealth

~ Laters