I Dream of Meanies

Nogla: That's Tex? She looks like Church!

Church: Get out of my body right now, Tex!

Tucker: Technica-

Tex: Your body? This isn't your body, I stole it.

Church: Yeah, but I stole it first!

Sheila: I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed.. and I like it!

Barrus: Oh man, this sci-fi Love Show just got interesting.

O'Malley: I know how to get her out of there.

The Blue Man raised his pistol.

O'Malley: Wink.

Surprisingly the Sky colored Scott raised his pistol as well.

Scott: Sure, I can help out.

Cunningham arrived

Cunningham: Hey guys, I'm ba-.

He stopped as soon as he saw two of his forced-acquaintances about to friendly fire their squad leader, Again. Even more surprised to see Scott participating.

Cunningham: ... Uhh, Bad moment?

Tex: Nope.

Cunningham: Oh shit, Tex!

Church: You Two, don't. Look, Caboose, just go explain this to Sheila, and Scott, this to Cunningham.

Caboose left with Scott being the hesitant one, soon lowering his arms.

Scott: Alright.

Scott briefly left.

Church sighed

Church: Okay Tex, now what's it gonna take to get you out of there?

Tex: Well ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys a lot.

Tucker: Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time? Like even when we're alone?

There, far aside, a rock fit to cover a whole human body, had a marker, a name, and a hole. The words were written: "PRIVATE! KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!"

Barrus: Oh, you know the Rock…

Tex: Yes, Tucker, and you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

Tucker: ...It's very lonely out here…

Cunningham spoke out of the blue.

Cunningham: You Couldn't order a Fleshlight?

Tucker: …

Cunningham: Shit's free when you're in the military, man!

Tex: Anyways, I've noticed a change in one of your guys. Caboose.

Barrus: Change?

Barrus looked at the aforementioned blue baboon with Jon, now cartwheeling in front of the fem-tank.

Barrus: Seems the same to me.

Church: Yeah like what? Did he finally learn the alphabet?

Cunningham: Can he count up to 5 now?

Nogla: Can he cook mashed potatoes?

Tex looked at the green idiot, and faced back at the others.

Tex: You haven't noticed that he's become increasingly aggressive lately?

Tucker: I have! Started about the same time Sheila got disabled and you got blown up. I tried to tell Church and the others but they never listened.

Scott: Nobody listened to you after you stole my mop.

Tucker: I told you I didn't do it!

Scott: …Yeah~ Whatever.

An Unnoticed eye roll proceeds.

Church: Ya know, there's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

Cunningham: No shit, No wonder you suck with the sniper rifle!

Church: Hey, my aim has nothing to do with this!

—[FLASHBACK]—

Tex: I had just finished repairing the tank when I overheard Church's plan to warn the Reds about me.

Church: (faint echo) I guess I'm gonna do the only thing I can do. I gotta warn the Reds.

Tex: From what I could tell, the A.I. calculated the odds of survival and didn't like the results. Once Caboose turned on his radio to call Church, it took its chance.

Caboose: (echoing) Calling Private Church. Come in, Church.

—[FLASHBACK]—

Barrus: …Shoot, you did listen.

Cunningham: I'm gonna punch Jon again.

Tucker: And that's when he said his name was O'Malley. So the A.I. that was in you infected Caboose?

Church: Right, everyone's armor has one slot for A.I. and Caboose's would've been vacant.

Tucker: I think there are a few of his NON-artificial slots that are empty too.

Cunningham: Takes one to know one.

Tucker: Ye- Wait what?

Tex: And before I could figure out what happened, that bitch hit with a really lucky shot!

—[FLASHBACK]—

Tex: (echoing) Ah crap!

—[FLASHBACK]—

Tex: And the next thing I know.. I'm a ghost.

Church: Alright, I get it. Caboose has your precious little A.I. So let me guess, you're holding my body hostage until I help you get your A.I. back, right?

Tex: Wrong. You're gonna help me kill it.

Barrus: So two ghosts are gonna attempt to kill a robot equivalent of a spirit?

Tucker: Sounds like a one niche plot for a story.

—[RED]—

Sarge: Ladies, it has come to my attention that we are in need of a new robot type person. Who here wants to volunteer?

Fong burped

Fong: Sorry, volunteer for what now?

Donut: Are we going on a trip? I love trips! Can we play I Spy and license plate games?

Grif: Shut up, Donut!

Patterson: Think the only place we could go on a trip is in the middle of a canyon.

Donut: Please!

Simmons: Uh, sir-

Donut: -or Punch Buggy?

Grif: Why won't this guy shut up?

Donut: Or-or alphabet with the signs game?

Fong: Haven't you tried punching him?

Simmons: What exactly do you mean by volunteer?

Sarge: Quite obviously we are without a robot or any other type of recruit with mechanical training or dexterity. Therefore, the only solution is to turn one of you into a robot and/or freaky cyborg thing.

Patterson: Uhhhh…

Flores: I'm just gonna go back in the jeep.

Hanby, Simmons, Grif, and Fong spat out at the same time.

Hanby: Abso-fucking-lootely not! You cazy ass!

Simmons: Have you gone crazy? What the hell?

Grif: Wh-What!? That is the stupidest idea I ever heard.

Fong: OH Cyborg Program? Count me in!

The latter 3 looked at Fong, and yelled at the same time again.

"FONG!"

The aforementioned amber laughed.

Donut: Cool! I vote for Simmons!

Simmons: What?!

Sarge: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure really.

Incoherent ramblings from the 4

Sarge: Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot.

Patterson: Aren't all guts useful?

Fong: You can technically live with just one kidney.

Grif: But That's just one!

Fong: Why would you care? You drink grease from the pan every single day.

Sarge: If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.

Simmons: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that, instead of doing it?

Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing so I think we stick with that.

Hanby: Yeah…. Nahh.

Grif: Yeah, sir, I hate to agree with the kiss-ass and the nerd sometimes, but wouldn't it be better if we just got Command to send us another perfectly good, brand new robot instead?

Sarge: Negative, meatsack. Another new robot could be reprogrammed by our enemies just as easily as Lopez. We need someone we know we can trust.

Pan to Donut Grif Hanby Flores on the Warthog Fong Wine in the silent treatment Simmons

We stop at Simmons.

Simmons: Aw, fuck me!

Sarge: Or someone whose mental capacity is so unbelievably tiny that he could never be turned against us.

Everyone looked at Donut

Donut: Hey, pink suit, guys! I think it's somebody else's turn in the barrel!

Grif: He admitted it!

Fong: Great Character Development everybody!

Sarge: Then again maybe we just stick with the trustworthy thing.

Simmons: Ugh, you backstabbing ass monkeys.

Hanby laughed.

Hanby: Looks like being a Kiss-ass finally got to you buddy.

Fong: You know… Two robots are better than one right?

Patterson: Huh?

Grif: Ah shit!

Sarge: That's an even better idea! We can have 2 half robots to compensate for the 1 whole robot!

Hanby: What?

Fong: Cool, I vote for Hanby!

Hanby: WHAT?!

Now this, Wine took notice.

Sarge: Now, Grif, I'll be needing some things from my medicine chest for this operation. Two quarts of vodka-

Grif: Check.

Hanby: Fuck this!

Sarge: Eight pounds of Vaseline, condensed.

Grif: Check

Hanby: I'm going AWOL!

Sarge: An old tire iron, preferably metric.

Grif: Y-You know, I might have left that in the bathroom.

A long zap was struck

Hanby: Harghkglglgl!

Sarge: The latest issue of Easy Bake Oven for Kids Monthly.

Grif: I'll have to check.

Wine: You're not going no-where buddy!

Sarge: Check, you mean we have it?

Grif: Check. What no, not check, I mean I'll have to check. Look, we don't have it.

Hanby: You asshole!

Sarge: C'mon, make sense! I don't have all day! I gotta gut this fish!

I'm back everybody, happy new year to all

sorry about the hiatus, month was a little hectic, but it was a little fun.

Saw that Moo decided to retire, he's not that gone, he can still play with the others, he's just gonna update less.

Also, I'm pissed at what Rooster Teeth is doing, privating the old RvB Content.

Anyways, hope you guys have a wonderful day.