Chapter 37: Were We Meant to Be?
Misato wanted control of her life back. This was what she could determine as she was left to linger another two days in her apartment after the attack of Zefon. If death would not come to claim her then she would at least hope to begin again on her own terms. It was clear to her that anyone she ever cared for was not going to come back into her life at this point.
She looked over to Pen Pen as she considered what happened two days ago. She put him through so much danger all out of her own sorrow. If she was going to continue living, she had to sever all ties she had with whatever her life might have been.
Misato stood up from the floor and brought herself to the kitchen counter. She had been pondering for days how right it would be for her to free herself from the sorrow she was enduring right now. Right beneath her was the key she had to rid herself of what tied her down.
She reached for the bottle in front of her but was stopped as soon as she heard a knock on her door. Misato had no idea who could have been showing up in the middle of the night like this and was afraid who it might have been. Even with such a crucial choice in front of her, she could not keep herself from wondering what might be trying to interrupt her now.
There were people at NERV who would want to make sure she was still safe and would not accept her silence as an answer no matter when they would receive it. It was that reasoning that made Misato let go of the bottle and make her way down the entry hall. It had to be important business and her current business could be resolved another time.
Making her way across the floor, Misato hoped her guest did not need to stay overnight. Her apartment was not as littered as it once was but the stains and puddles that could be found across the floors easily evoked memories of what her living place used to look like. It was a harsh reminder of something she would have to tackle once she was in control again. As soon as she turned on the lights and opened the door in front of her however, she discovered how difficult it would be to reach that day.
Misato's eyes adjusted before looking down and asked, "...Shinji?"
Indeed Shinji Ikari was standing in front of Misato again. His clothes were made dirty from the dust and debris he was in during the last Angel attack while his skin maintained a few traces of the same black smudges. His appearance was noticeable but a long look at him made Misato realize how much his arms were shaking at the thought of looking back up to her. It only took a few seconds before she would see why he was so shaken before he fell on his knees and arms right in front of her.
"Please let me come back! Please! If you take me back, I'll never hurt you again! I'll do everything! I'll never talk to anybody else! I'll only live for you and stop this whole thing from happening again! Just please let me come back!"
Shinji's pleas left Misato speechless. The source of what she once believed was her key to happiness was right in front of her and begging to be taken back into her life again. It was the other choice she was being given and left her taken aback at what she had just heard. And it was here in the form of the boy she once considered to be a potential lover.
Misato's choices were doubled in an instant and she was amazed that she consider one of them a possibility. She was brought back to the question of whether or not she could possibly consider caring for someone so much younger than her as she once did and was now just as troubled and broken down as she was. It was a question she could no longer say was able to hold her back however.
All of the consequences of what she tried to do for him and for herself resided in her womb. She had reached out to him before and she had the chance to do it again except he was begging for her this time. How could she say it was right that she would accept him after such a firm rejection? If she had any self-respect, she would have said no to the offer right then.
That reasoning was the best excuse Misato could come up with for why she took Shinji by the shoulder and guided him inside. He was still broken down, unwilling to look her in the eye, and at best had hope in his eyes that he would be received. She tried to raise his hopes by shutting the door behind him but saw him not even acknowledge what was happening. He would not accept anything other than a word of confirmation or denial before communicating again.
Misato knew this as she knelt down to Shinji and brought her hands to his face. Raising it up, she saw him in tears in a way she could scarcely remember him being before. Even if he desired an answer, this sight of such sadness made it a struggle for her to immediately give a response. She had no idea how he could have been driven to such sadness since the last time she saw him and was left without any idea what she should say to him.
As much as she struggled to decide how she could have made a decision, she realized how she was looking at herself. They were both now at what they could call the lowest point in their lives and they were desperate to reach out to what made their lives just a little better. All of the emotions Misato was struggling with now were reflected onto Shinji and she was given a task she could not imagine.
All of the sorrow she had the night of Kaji's death came back full force as Misato realized she was being asked to pay for what she took from him. The night where she felt as though she was on the precipice of never feeling happy again, she found herself clinging to Shinji just to temporarily feel better than she did. She did it all at the cost of destroying what little innocence he had left and bringing him into the adult world with her.
His return was at once both a punishment and a reward for what she allowed to happen over the last few months. She was left with a choice of how she would decide which of them she felt she deserved more. Or rather whichever she wanted to see her life go now that the choices were in the form of the boy she once loved.
This conflict within Misato caused her stern face to tremble as she continued looking at Shinji and tried to keep herself from releasing tears in response to the sight of him crying. The longer she waited, the more she feared what allowing her emotions to take control would do to both of them. She could not tell in the moment if they finally hit a boiling point or if it was her response to his pleas, but the tension between him and her had a resolution.
Misato forced her lips against Shinji's and thrust her tongue into his mouth while wrapping her arms around his smaller form. One hand locked behind his head and the other wrapping behind his back and clutching his side. The two were separated from one another for so long and Misato was determined to make her conditions understood.
Shinji was at first taken aback as he found himself being kissed while being overtaken by the woman who was once his guardian. Every time he kissed her before came flooding back to him to the point where he did not even think about Kaworu or Asuka. He even found the grief of being separated from her to be a less significant event than he remembered. The happiness he once received from Misato seemed to be right in front of him once again.
There was so much that Shinji found himself questioning but tossed aside all concerns as he accepted one thing, that he wanted Misato to be his again. He brought his arms around Misato's body and did what he could to imitate the kiss between them. He found himself rewarded as Misato clung him to her harder than before.
Shinji expected the moment to be a solitary one but found himself lifted up as soon as Misato brought a hand under his bottom and ran through her apartment. Neither of them took the time to observe their surroundings but it took a short while before Shinji realized he was in Misato's bedroom again. It was clear to him that he was welcome back in this apartment again but he knew there was one thing he would be expected to give in return.
Lying on his back, Shinji could see Misato loom over him in the darkness as she began to throw her clothes to the side. Shinji followed suit by frantically unbuttoning his shirt and reaching for his waistline to remove his pants and underwear. It took more time than either of them would have hoped but they were once again naked in front of one another.
There was no break between the two as Misato reached her hand down to Shinji's shaft and stroked it with abandon. The feeling was familiar but also more comforting for him than he could ever remember. He was reminded of the time Kaworu did the same thing to him but felt feelings of blissful familiarity that he had been denied for a long time. It did not take long for his erection to be built as Misato finished her motions but then came the moment for her to do what Kaworu could not.
Misato impaled her womanhood onto Shinji's recently hardened penis and did not hold herself back. She lifted herself up and slammed herself down again while letting out pants from the sudden gyrating of her hips. The gratification she gained out of feeling herself filled again was only a temporary reaction but more than enough to make her keep going.
It seemed like seconds ago that Shinji found himself kneeling in front of Misato for her to forgive him. There were no words shared, no indications of denial or acceptance, only being thrust into her arms and into her demands. He was instantly reminded how overwhelming the sensation of sex was when he did not anticipate or plan for it. Even more intimidating for him was that he could not decide how he or she actually felt in the moment.
Were they happy? Were they frustrated? Were either of them too weak to commit to an answer? Neither of them could make themselves give an answer.
All they both knew was that they were accustomed to the familiar penetrations they dealt to one another. They were indeed hedgehogs who hurt one another with their approximation. And they both wanted to feel more of it rather than what they just experienced.
This knowledge was what Shinji was willing to accept as he felt Misato continue to slam herself onto him and keep him pinned down from moving another inch. His hands were free though and he was not going to let this exchange be a one-sided affair. He brought his hands up to Misato's waist and did his best to bring the upper half of her body down to his.
Misato realized what Shinji was trying to do when she felt his hands touch her and found herself more excited than before. She knew he was nowhere nearly strong enough to pull her down on his own but willingly engaged with his attempts. She crushed her breasts against his chest and locked lips with him again at the gesture. The two of them were both in complete darkness now that their eyes were shut but their continued union was more than enough to keep them reminded of what was happening and where they were.
The feeling of Misato's body pressed against his left Shinji without any other thoughts as the two continued to grind away at one another. He threw his arms around her and hugged her as tight as he could. He could not bring himself to care about what either of them were afraid of, only what would relieve him of the fears and troubles of the world outside.
Misato was not in any better frame of mind than Shinji as she eagerly accepted his tightening embrace. Locking her hands to both sides of his head and forcing her tongue into him as hard as she could while continuing her gyrations, she kept herself from being concerned about anything else. Anyone could come in and discover what she was doing for all she cared, she only wanted to have this moment to free herself and could not even think about the consequences.
As she remembered what she had already done to herself, Misato began to feel the first indication of what got her in this moment in the first place. She felt Shinji thrust up and down as fast as he could while sloppily moving his mouth around hers as they continued to kiss. The intensity of their thrusts continued to increase as they felt themselves tense and continue to slap against one another.
Shinji paid little attention to what was happening in the lower parts of his body but reached the point that both he and Misato had been waiting for. With another thrust upwards, he felt himself buried to the hilt at her entrance and felt himself release within her. There were no words exchanged other than grunts before, but this time they proclaimed their elation of the climax with a mutual harsh breath at their union.
Misato felt her own mutual release at the final few motions and felt her womb filled. There was nothing she could do about what came from such an acceptance but it was fine for her. They were no longer able to prevent the accumulation of their previous unions, neither of them were even capable of thinking about what might happen afterwards.
The mutual release between the two eventually came to an end but they both remained entangled in one another by their union. Shinji and Misato both opened their eyes to find themselves looking at one another after a length of time they lost track of. The resolution finally established and forced them out of their state of perpetual uncertainty as they were left with only the assurance that they were in the arms of one another and not about to be separated.
Shinji felt an overwhelming flow of emotions overtake him as he realized how he brought himself to this point. At once he felt happy and relieved but lost and confused as well. He could not imagine what he could say to Misato in a union as intense as the one they just had right after he was asking her to take him back in. It was that conflict he held within him that made him decide he would make sure Misato would know he was not holding himself back anymore.
Misato could not find the words necessary to break the silence but did manage a yelp if surprise when Shinji flipped her on her back. She felt him lock her lips with his again but continued to grind his hips against hers again. His penis was not erect by now but he was doing everything he could to reinvigorate himself. She then felt her head tap the wall as she realized her sheets were being dragged across the floor by Shinji's attempts to recapture what he felt earlier.
Deciding it was time for her to assist, Misato brought her hand down to the lower regions where she felt herself moistened by the recent union. She had to go by feel but then found Shinji's flaccid penis in her fingers. She could see Shinji acknowledge his organ was being touched again but did not give him the time necessary to make sense of what she was doing.
Neither of them were able to tell how long it took but Shinji found himself erect again and positioned right over Misato's womanhood. He only now realized he was not on the futon where they started and saw much of the wall darkened by some substance. Seeing these details captured his attention for a moment as he realized he was now in a place that he did not even recognize. In the moment he could not say he was in absolute certainty what his relationship with Misato was now.
Shinji forced the confusion from his mind as he made a plunge downwards and entered Misato again. For the second time that night the two were united in a bind of absolute isolation as they focused themselves on one another. It was easier for Shinji to make his thrusts again as he felt himself slide in and out of her and hoped his reunion with Misato would not end any time soon.
Finding herself with Shinji inside her again was not something Misato expected to happen twice in one night. It seemed to be something he was not intent to reestablish even if he had it in him all along. It may have been his youthful energy being released or he intended to prove himself in that moment. The only thing she knew was that she would not deny letting it continue for the remainder of the night if possible.
Much to her disappointment she found out it would not last so long as she felt Shinji give a final thrust into Misato. Deep within her, she could feel herself being filled a second time until Shinji finally stopped. As soon as it ended, Shinji fell on top of Misato and brought his arms around her. Buried within her and embracing her tightly, he did everything to make sure she would not leave him that night.
Misato kept Shinji to her chest as she breathed rapidly after having sex a second time and returned the embrace. She was in absolute uncertainty when it came to the world outside and wondered about how difficult it would be to explain her thoughts. It was also something she could not bring herself to care about when she received the same sort of relief she received from Shinji all those nights ago. Together they fought against the pain and suffering the world was dealing them on a constant basis and it was the preferable option no matter how challenged they would be afterwards.
There was no exchange of words that night now that they were together and neither were intent to break the silence. After so much confusion the appeal of certainty was the only thing they both wanted. That embrace they both took came as they lay together on the floor in their union and allowed sleep to overtake them for the remainder of the night.
The sun found its way onto Misato's face as she woke up on the morning's arrival. She knew she would have to at some point but right now was the closest she had to a hangover in a long time. She was heavy, dazed, and aching from the position she was in. It took a few more seconds for her to remember what caused her to have these sorts of feelings.
Lying on her chest as content as she ever saw him asleep was Shinji Ikari. Indeed the two had reestablished their connection to one another on some level but could not comprehend in what way. She could not deny that she wanted last night to happen somehow but the lack of words the two exchanged left her fearing the incoming storm of uncertainty she would have to make her way through.
Trying to adjust herself to a more comfortable position, Misato slid her back against the wall behind her before noting she seemed to capture Shinji's attention. It seemed to be a struggle for him to open his eyes at first but still managed to give an indication that he was in fact conscious of the situation around him. While he was awake, she could tell it was going to be just as difficult for him to wake up as it would be for her.
Misato could see Shinji's eyes and face crusted with the trail of tears that he evidently shed last night. The sweat and sexual fluids that were exchanged between the two felt just as solidified. It was this determination that made her decide she would not be able to face the remainder of the day until either of them were willing to stand up.
She tried to gain some semblance of relief by finding a beer can nearby but was disappointed as soon as she picked it up. It was empty and its contents had already been tossed across the room. Placing her other hand on Shinji's back, Misato looked out the nearby window with resignation to where she was now. Indeed with Shinji leaning his head against her breasts but hardly happier or with a sense of fulfillment. She had everything she wanted to happen in her arms right this instant but she could not say she felt as though there was a resolution to her final choice. Really, could she have expected any other outcome?
The two eventually released one another from their grasp as they left Misato's bedroom. It did not need to be said that they both needed to clean themselves if they were going to face the day ahead of them and allowed each other to take their turns. Misato was brief but Shinji took longer and did not use any warm water.
Despite the conditions, Shinji found himself amazed that he could feel refreshed after being left to the elements for the past few days. It was a temporary comfort, however, as he remembered he would have to step outside and meet Misato face to face again. He had a chance to step out of reality for a while and now he was being thrust back in.
Shinji and Misato sat across from one another at the kitchen table and a long silence hung over them. They both had a difficult time determining what their first words to one another would be. Shinji was surer it was a fear of breaking the simplicity that was between them.
Misato looked up and prepared herself as she broke the silence, "I'm...glad you decided to come back..."
It was a weak opening and she knew it. Even knowing this, Misato could not think of what else would make Shinji feel just a little more welcomed. The rollercoaster of avoiding one another and desperately clinging to one another was a whiplash that neither of them could imagine they were beginning to fully comprehend.
Shinji knew there was no way he could maintain the silence any longer however as he told her, "I... I didn't want you to die... I thought you were going to..."
Thinking back to the day where the Angel seemed to stare her right in the face, Misato agreed, "I have to admit I should have gotten out before that happened."
It was an awkward subject for both of them to consider and wondered how much they were going to resolve by focusing on that moment. The most important thing for them was discovering what sort of reunion they were having. Was this supposed to be a happy moment or one that would only be temporary? Neither of them were certain what it would be.
Trying to bring them back to the subject, Shinji asked, "So did you... Was that you saying yes?"
Misato thought about what Shinji meant before she remembered the plea last night that brought him across from her. He was so moved to despair that he not only wanted to come back to her but surrender his own individuality if that was what it took. Her relationship with him was already a questionable situation she should not have been having second thoughts about but here she was past the point of taking anything back. She could question all she wanted just how right it was but found herself fearing what the alternative might have been if she said no at any point.
Looking down, Misato answered, "You came here wanting to be with me. You really think you can't do anything else?"
Shinji revealed more of his fear for what made him come to this place and explained, "I can't. I don't even know who everyone is anymore. You're the only one I trust."
Misato was not so pleased with the explanation as she asked, "All I've ever been is a drain on you Shinji. How can you be fine with being dragged down like that?"
"I'd rather have that than be where I was."
"Is it what you want or are you just worried about me again?"
"Why do you care? It means I get to be yours again doesn't it?"
Those questions were all Misato needed to hear as she shot up from her chair and disrupted the relative peace that was established earlier. They might have been at a delicate point in getting back together but it was also a potential trap she did not want to fall into. It made her just as uneasy as Shinji was startled by her rise but it needed to be clear by now how seriously she was going to take this.
Misato revealed her intentions as she told Shinji, "Shinji you can't think like that!"
The sudden burst made Shinji look up but try to keep himself from falling back as he asked, "And why not?"
Placing her hands on the table, Misato explained, "You're a person Shinji, I'm not taking you in like you're a possession of mine!"
"I might as well be now."
"And you are not! I'm not building this whole thing on a giant lie! I don't want to end up back where we started!"
"Well I want to be there for you and that's it!"
Despite the trembling in his voice, Misato realized it was the closest she was going to get to hearing him stand up for himself. He had become so desperate that he was willing to toss aside whatever sense of individuality he had if it meant he could be with her. She was the only thing that was keeping things from considering the idea that Instrumentality might have been the best choice for everyone after all.
Misato tried to understand his thoughts as she asked, "Really Shinji? It's because you want to be one?"
Shinji looked down as he began to tremble but managed to answer, "I do... I've never been normal before... I can't start now... If I'm stuck this way... I'd rather be with someone I care about... Someone I actually trust and wants me around..."
Misato knew she would reduce Shinji to a quivering mess if she did not address the fear he had in that moment. She could not deny that she wanted Shinji back but seeing him return to her this way was not one she hoped to answer for. He might have been sure and he might have wanted it more than anything but she could not determine how he would take back what he was hoping to achieve. It took a second for her to think before she realized how she would have to address his hopes.
Misato made her way over to him and placed her hands on his shoulders. It was enough to capture Shinji's attention and look up to her with a sense of hope. A sense of dread flushed through her as she realized she was about to risk a very fragile anticipation that the one she still had feelings for was potentially about to be crushed. For the sake of them both however, she revealed her condition.
"I don't want you to live for me Shinji."
Looking up at her with his hopes being placed even more in question, Shinji tried to remind, "But Miss Misato... I promise I won't care about anyone else. Really."
Misato dropped her right hand to take hold of Shinji's left and brought it to her stomach. It was a decision she was still struggling with and one she almost did not have to make. But in the end she decided it was the best way both of them could ever keep themselves from separating again. Her life would never be the same once she bound herself to this commitment, but she could not say she was the same ever since her first night with him.
Keeping hold of Shinji's wrist and preparing herself for a direction in life she did not prepare for before, Misato sealed her decision as she corrected, "I want you to live... for us..."
Shinji was lost for a moment as he heard Misato's request. He made it clear already that he was willing to toss aside everything if it meant he could be with her again and did not understand what she wanted now. It may have been possible that she did not trust him but her open offers before when he was in NERV was all the indication he needed to know she was not placing that condition on him. Those words, "for us," however provided him with a substantial clue about what Misato was appealing to.
It was another second before Shinji realized what Misato meant all along. He should have expected it would be the case after the multiple times he found himself in bed with her before, but receiving the news was still enough to astonish him. The revelation was so great that he looked at her stomach with widened eyes and let out a small gasp at what the accumulation of his relationship with his former guardian had achieved.
A/N: So here we are folks, this is a chapter I was really looking to get out of my system ever since I started this fic. I always had an image of Shinji begging Misato to take him back into her apartment when I first imagined writing a story with these two and always wondered what would lead up to that point. I'd say I'm pretty pleased with how I built everything and the results, I also hope you're all looking forward to what starts off the final cour.
Another source of inspiration for this chapter is an old image from 2011 by an artist named Adun who made an image of the morning aftermath scene I used as a reference. It's not a 1:1 depiction mostly from the background but it is what I was effectively going for. If you look around in the right places, you might be able to find it.
Apologies for anybody who thought this chapter was too much lemon and too little plot progression, it just ended up going that direction and I thought it was proper to end the chapter where I ended it. It felt like the right amount of progressing and setting up of the characters for what is about to come. Also I hope it serves as a grand payoff for all of the tension that had been established for the past number of chapters.
That being said this is definitely not the end and just a heads up I plan on checking up on the situation at NERV as well. Hope it doesn't feel like it's going in too far just yet but I do plan on making a greater overall story progressing. Whichever side you have been anxiously following and whichever one you are attached to right now, I hope to see you all in the progressing chapters.